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“This isn't working.” Toji is Dazai's first boyfriend, but not his first lover. He's tall and strapping and eighteen years old, a year older than Dazai, and he can't even meet Dazai's eyes as he dumps him in the booth of the fast food restaurant. Dazai is shocked; he had really liked Toji and he felt Toji had liked him, but even as Dazai asks for an explanation, he knew the reason why. Toji had asked him for the story behind the scars on his wrists, and like an idiot he had told him.
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“I'm sorry, I can't deal with this.” Kenshin is Dazai's second boyfriend, the both of them barely twenty. He's short, cute, and loves drinking green tea. Dazai is shocked again; he'd braced himself for rejection, but he had thought Kenshin would at least think on it a few seconds.
He knew it was a lot to take in, his suicidal thoughts (“As long as people keep an eye on me I'm fine”), his fantasies about The Girl (“It's not anyone in particular, she's just an imaginary girl without a face”), and his connection to the Mafia (“I keep my work and private life separate”). Still, he had hoped that with Kenshin's own strange powers, he would have understood.
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“Are you listening to me?!” Kunikida snaps and wacks Dazai over the head with the soft-cover book he was holding. Dazai screws his face up in irritation and waves his co-worker away, telling him to be sympathetic; he was going through a break-up after all. At twenty-three, Shun was two years older than him, his third boyfriend and his eighth lover in total. They'd been going out about two months.
Kunikida's face softens, but only a little. To the untrained eye he would appear as stern and irritated as ever. “Eh, what happened? You were all gooey over this one a few days ago.”
Yeah, Shun had been fun. But then he'd tried to talk seriously for the first time in their relationship. The faces of all his previous girlfriends and boyfriends had flashed in front of his eyes and then he made a decision.
Dazai shrugs. “He asked me about the scars.”
Then Dazai had ended it.
“And what, it was too much for him?”
Dazai hadn't even told him.
“Probably.”
He didn't need to get accused of cheating on his partners with a thought any more, he went through enough shit for being bisexual as it was without the compulsive thoughts caused by his powers being brought up.
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Atsushi is young, at eighteen he's a full four years younger than the twenty-two year old Dazai. He's also short and skinny for his age, emotionally unstable, covered in dirt, and he smells like he hasn't bathed weeks, but he has beautiful eyes and delicate features. As he turns back into a human and falls into Dazai's arms, Dazai can't help but notice how long the shapeshifter's eyelashes are. He catches the thoughts that are forming, remembers Toji and Kenshin, and drops Atsushi to the ground.
“I have no such tastes in men.” The announcement is to himself; Atsushi is too far gone to hear him. As long as The Girl in his thoughts remains, as long as he continues to fantasize about dying hand-in-hand with Her with their backs to the setting sun, dating any men was pointless. Dating was a precursor to love, to marriage, to a future, and the only future he could see was in the ground with Her.
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