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It had been a very long day. The two members of Valkyrie spent the weekend preparing for their show in France, near where Shu was currently living, and both had been utterly exhausted after it finally ended. So much practice had hardly left any time for the pair to spend time together that was unrelated to the event, and all they wanted to do that night was unwind.
Mika opened the door for the both of them and flopped right onto the couch.
“Kagehira,” Shu followed behind him, taking his boots off, “have some manners and take your shoes off! And don’t lay down like that in your costume, I need to wash it and hang it up properly so it doesn’t wrinkle.”
“Ah… right. ‘m sorry, Oshisaaaan,” He dragged himself over to his partner to place his own shoes alongside his. “‘m just so tiiiireeddd…” He dragged out his words to make a point, but it only made Shu roll his eyes as he helped undo the buckles on Mika’s boots.
“We should get you to bed then, yes? But I won’t have you lying in my bed in your dirty clothes.”
"Aw… We should prob'ly get in the bath first, huh?"
"That would be wise," Shu straightened out the ribbon on Mika’s costume, despite the fact that the show was already over so no one would be able to see it. “But allow me to go first this time, would you? You remember that you went first last time, yes?"
"'f course I do, but... um..." Mika's eyes glanced up at Shu's and then down at the floor. "Oshisan..."
"What is it? I'm not letting you cut in line again."
"W-Well it's just... 's been so long since the last time I've seen ya... And we don't know when we're gonna see each other again so..." Shu noticed the tips of Mika's ears turning pink.
"So...?" He crossed his arms, growing anxious.
"So can we please take a bath together? I jus' really missed ya..."
"Together?" Shu’s eyes darted around the room, trying not to lose his usual calm composure.
Uh oh. He was worried that Mika would suggest something like this, and even more worried about his own desire to fulfill his request. It has been a long time, about two months by now, since the two have gotten to spend any time together, unrelated to idol business, outside of calls or texts. To both of them, these months felt like years.
However, unbeknownst to Mika, Shu couldn’t possibly show himself bare to him now. Not that it was something the two of them weren’t already used to, and it’s not that he had suddenly stopped liking his partner either, as Mika might imagine if the news was broken too harshly.
The problem wasn’t related to Mika at all, actually. It was with Shu himself: he had relapsed. Bad.
He had cut all the way from the top of his thighs down to his knees mere days ago, and he couldn’t dare let Mika see, especially after all the lectures that he had given to the younger boy about “taking utmost care of one’s body” and “treating your body as if it were porcelain.” At the peak of his desperation, he would give anything to stop Mika from hurting himself. The same couldn’t be said about how Shu views himself.
It had been a long time since he had even considered self harm, especially in such a way that would “taint” his skin, as he believed to be the case. The pressure of his upcoming group activities had gotten to him, along with his own perfectionism and self loathing. It can be easy to mask it as self absorption around others, but it’s nearly impossible while you’re alone. At least that’s the case for Shu.
He knew he shouldn’t have kept the razor out in the open like that, he knew he shouldn't have reached for it, and he knew he shouldn’t have told himself it would be fine. But by the time he had really thought about it, the damage had already been done. One cut turned into another, and his heartbeat only steadied once his legs were covered in wounds.
He had been lucky that he had no reason to expose his legs in front of others, in or out of professional attire, but in the bath he would have nowhere to hide. The bath is where this all happened in the first place, even more reason for Shu to find a way to avoid sharing it with Mika and just take a shower on his own instead.
Shu missed him dearly, desperately, but there was no way his shame, and especially his pride, could agree to indulge in his partner. He knew he was a hypocrite, and nowhere in his brain did he have the courage to ever admit that, especially to the person who’s had it the hardest from him through the years. It would take a miracle of a superego to work this out, and that was something that Shu just did not have.
"I... I'm afraid we shouldn't do that today. You're able to wait your turn, can't you?" He couldn’t bear to lie, as easy as it might have been. But he knew being vague wouldn’t work in his favor either. He turned his head to face away from Mika in an attempt to avoid the boy’s sad expression, but it was no use.
"Ngaaahh but whyyyy…” Mika whined and tugged on his partner’s sleeve. “Pleaseee…”
“You can speak normally, you know. I don’t want you to make a habit of talking so improper.” Shu always acted as if he hated when Mika dragged his words out in such a whiny manner, but he secretly thought it was adorable. And it was proving very effective at winning him over. “I just don’t think it would be necessary, is all. It would be more efficient if we were to shower separately.”
Mika grabbed Shu’s cheeks to turn his face to his own again. Shu couldn’t hide behind any sort of facade with those giant blue and yellow eyes staring at him. The shorter one, his height being even more apparent without his boots on, got on his tiptoes to give his partner a kiss. He’s gotten pretty good at persuading the taller one.
“We don’t haf’ta…" He says, inches away from the other's face, "But if yer so worried about it, we would use less water if we went together, ya know?" Ugh. He was right.
"We'd end up going to sleep past midnight with how long you take in there. Besides, your fingers will prune as well."
"Then..." Mika ran for Shu's phone on the coffee table and handed it to him. "Ya can jus' set a timer on yer phone! It won't take too long... Pleaseee?" Still on his tiptoes, he wrapped his arms around the other's shoulders. He looked like a puppy by the stove begging for boiling water.
"..." Shu rolled his eyes and sighed. "Go turn the water on."
"Really?!"
"Don't take too long before I change my mind. It isn't going to take more than twenty minutes, you hear?"
"Okay!!" He was practically jumping for joy, giving Shu little kisses all over his face. Shu swatted him away, even though he couldn't help but smile. "Thank ya lots, Oshisan!"
Mika ran to the bathroom to start the bath while Shu stayed put. Maybe this was for the best. The less time he gave himself (and Mika) to dwell on his failures, the better. As he stood there, listening to the water running from a few rooms over, his mind started to wander.
What would Mika think? What would he say? Would he be angry? Would he think Shu isn't fit to be with him anymore? Not fit enough to be Valkyrie's leader? Would he yell or call him names? As easy as it usually was to predict the younger boy, having known him so well, Shu was frustratingly drawing a blank.
Maybe, he thought, if Mika saw such a thing on his own teacher, he would take after him and undo all the progress they've made together on keeping him clean for so long. If anyone in the world was a model for the type of behavior Mika were to strive for, it was Shu Itsuki. And if he knew just how badly he had hurt himself, it would be inevitable that he would do the same. Maybe even worse.
This wasn't just an accident. It wasn't something he could easily lie about even if he wanted to. No cat could scratch him up like this, no sewing needle could do this much damage, and no Mika would ever believe such a bad liar like Shu anyway.
"Oshisan, are ya comin'?" Mika poked his head out into the hallway to see Shu stuck in the same spot as before. It looked like he hadn't moved an inch.
"Oh, sorry. I'll... be right there." He shook his head and headed to the bathroom. If he was terrible at lying to Mika, he was even worse at lying to himself. He hoped this would be the quickest twenty minutes of his life.
"Could ya please?" Mika gestured to the back of his corset as Shu walked in. Shu quietly untied it for him and helped take off the rest of his costume, hanging it up on the door. "Do ya need me ta help too?"
"No, thanks. You can get in now," He listened to the sound of Mika getting in the water as he slowly took the top half of his costume off, trying to prolong as much time of Mika's blissful unawareness as possible.
His chest now bare, he noticed that the splashing noises had stopped. He quickly turned behind him to see the younger boy staring at him from the water, looking like the world's least threatening shark.
"...Turn around."
"Ngah..." He pouted and sat up. "Ya look really nice, why won't ya let me stare at ya..."
"Well..." He avoided eye contact for a few seconds, racking his brain for an acceptable answer, "I need to be facing the back of your head to wash your hair. Is that okay?"
"Okaaayyy... 'n' I can wash yer hair too right?"
"I don't see why not," Shu shrugged as Mika complied and faced away from him. He was tempted to instruct the other one not to peek, but that would draw even more unnecessary attention to himself. Still, he waited until he was absolutely sure Mika wasn't trying to sneak a look at him to start taking his pants off.
Damn. Some of his cuts reopened, presumably during the show earlier that evening. He wiped his hand across them and, luckily enough, they were just dry, and weren't still bleeding. He just hoped they wouldn't taint the water, or else Mika would definitely find out. What an idiot, he thought, to have done this in the first place. He was sure Mika would think the same.
After folding up his clothes as slowly as possible, something he could easily excuse as just being tired, he stepped into the tub behind Mika. He sucked in through his teeth from the sting of the hot water on his wounds; he didn't anticipate how much worse it would feel after a few of them had opened again.
"Oh no, did I make the water too hot, Oshisan? 'm sorry about that..."
"No, it's alright, close your eyes and lean your head back now," He sighed softly, relieved that the dried blood hadn't stained the water.
Mika hummed a tune as Shu started working the shampoo into his hair. Even though he would be going back to Japan soon, he could rest easy knowing that while he was with Shu, all his problems became microscopic. He was content to finally be spending time together after months of being apart, as if any sadness he felt before was being washed away by his partner, literally.
Shu, however, felt dirtier than ever. As much as he wanted to focus on Mika's comforting song, he couldn't help but stare down at his own legs, covered in red. His hands moved on their own, rinsing Mika's hair as his mind spiraled.
How disgusting, he felt, to attempt to cleanse someone else when he was really the one who was the filthiest. How stupid, he thought, he must be to react to his self induced stress in such a way, leaving scars that would last for months and let everyone who saw them know how idiotic he was. How furious, he imagined, Mika would be when he found out his leader had such little self control, despite scolding him for the very same thing. Mika had worked so hard, not only on today's show, but on himself for such a long time. It's as if Shu had spit on all the work his partner had done thus far, resorting to harming himself in what he thought was such a violent manner. And over what, practically nothing?
Maybe Mika would think it was his fault, as he usually did when something happened, despite Shu having nothing but praise for him now. Maybe, in thinking this, he would feel so guilty that he felt compelled to do the same to himself. Maybe, he too, would go farther with it than intended. Maybe, if he was upset enough, not only for this but for everything he had put him through, he would go as far as-
"Oshisan? Everythin' okay?"
Shu snapped back to reality, where he was resting his head on Mika's shoulder, arms hugging him so tightly he might pop. He loosened his grip, slightly embarrassed, "H-huh? Yes, sorry..."
"Aw, ya don't haf'ta be sorry. Yer really sweet, but 'm a little worried about ya," His hand was resting on Shu's head. "Ya much be really tired. Do ya still want me ta wash yer hair?"
"Would you mind?"
"'f course not!"
The two boys switched around so Mika was now able to wash Shu's hair, Shu hoping that the suds and bubbles from the water would cover his legs up enough. Somehow he felt this made them stick out more than they did in the clear water, where the bleak and hideous redness contrasted the white purity and cleanliness of the soap bubbles. He was thankful that he was a little taller than Mika, or else he might see them from peering down over his head.
"Uh, Oshisan, could'ja put yer head back please? I can't wash yer hair if yer looking down."
Shu complied, frustrated that he was unintentionally drawing so much attention to the place that he wanted Mika to think about the least. There was no way he hadn't figured out by now, he thought, and was just waiting for the moment where Shu was caught off guard to mention it.
"'m real glad today went so good, ya looked so pretty on stage like always, Oshisan,"
"Thank you. You did very well too, so give yourself some more credit, would you?"
"Aww, really? Thank ya kindly, then. It's been a long time since us two had been performin' together, right? Naru-chan saw some videos of us today and she said it was amazin'! I was worried that I would be off or somethin' super noticeable, but I think I did okay..."
Shu sat, eyes closed, listening to Mika's voice ramble on without really registering the words. His voice was so comforting, in and out of song, and Shu wished he could just listen to him talk forever, without needing to worry about anything else, especially his own foolish actions. Maybe if he hadn't set a timer on his phone, Mika would just talk on and on forever.
"Hey, what're these?"
Shu opened his eyes to Mika's head over his shoulder, almost as he had done to him moments ago, only his hand was pointing right at the scars Shu had been so desperate to hide. He held his breath, hoping that if he stayed still and quiet enough, Mika would forget about him and he wouldn't have to face anything.
He wanted to say something, apologize, accept his demotion from pristine and polished leader of Valkyrie to a damaged and disgusting nobody, but no words would come out. Seconds of silence felt like hours, dripping with shame and self loathing. If he had been a better leader, no, a better person, this wouldn't have happened and Mika wouldn't have had to see anything. He can't possibly have any more sympathy for his poor excuse of a teacher at this point.
Mika hovered a hand over Shu's leg, "There's still some blood here, let me rinse these off for ya... Ah, they must sting a bit in the water, right? Don't worry, I won't be too rough."
"...?" He still couldn't say anything. Mika lifted up Shu's thighs one at a time and used the soapy water to clean the wounds.
"No wonder you've been actin' so weird. Even durin' practice yesterday I thought ya weren't feelin' so good. I wish I knew earlier so I could've helped ya more."
Help him? Why would he want to help him? He just made a mockery of all the work he's done to become a better person. All he's done now is drag the both of them down, why would he still be so kind about it?
"Why would you want to help after I did something like this?" His voice came out quieter than usual. His thoughts were leaking out more than he wanted them too.
"'Cause this sorta thing happens all the time," He rested his head on Shu's shoulder, "an' it's not like ya didn't do the same thing fer me when I was gettin' better, remember?"
It was true. Even at Mika's lowest, Shu was always there to dry his tears and clean his wounds. Why wouldn't the same be true the other way around? Shu could barely imagine a world where it was, despite already living in it.
"You aren't upset with me?"
"'f course not, but let me know if it happens again so I can help ya clean them properly. Ya don't wanna get an infection do ya?"
"No..." Shu cringed just imagining it.
"Yer not a doll either, ya know? Humans get cuts an' bruises all the time, no matter where they're from," He planted a kiss on Shu's neck. "An' if ya ask me, I think they look really nice on ya."
"You're such a creep," Shu rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed, but he couldn't help but smile. Maybe Mika really wasn't upset with him. Maybe he would be able to help him get better too. Maybe he would stick by his side forever, just like they always dreamed about.
"I still love ya the same as always, 'kay?"
"I... love you too."
A loud buzz came from Shu's phone, reminding the two of their strict twenty-minute time limit.
Shu let out a sigh of relief. How he hated to make Mika worry about him, or even let it happen in the first place. But if anyone is going to see Shu's weaknesses, it's most likely going to be Mika. And if anyone is going to stay regardless of them, it's definitely going to be Mika.
He was right anyways... Shu isn't a doll, as much as he would like to be sometimes. Even if he was to ever come close to it, he would always have a very kind partner to help take care of him. Hell, at this point Shu could kill somebody and Mika would be there to take his side. The thought, though rather morbid, made Shu smile.
"Ah, we should prob'ly get ready ta get some sleep, right? Here, lemme help ya dry off," Mika reached for a nearby towel.
Shu playfully snatched it away from him, trying to dry his own hair, "I can do it myself, you know."
"Aww... are ya sure? Pleaseeee?" There he goes dragging out his words again, pairing it with the same sort of look a puppy dog would give to its owner to beg for some treats. He must know it always works for him.
"Well... maybe just this once."