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A darkness loomed over her at the precinct. If most people had seen what she saw in the bright lights of the train station, they would have found the contrast of the darkness oddly comforting.
Unfortunately, she's never been one to feel safe in the dark.
It was horrifying enough to see her brother killed before her very eyes, for the blood to splatter onto her face and coat, and to have to phone the police in the midst of trauma. But here she sat, being questioned and interrogated by the very men she called to for help. She'd been such a wreck, she didn't even remember telling the policeman her name.
“And the victim's full name? Your...”
“My brother,” she let escape from her mouth. She had only just been pulled back to reality by the cop's jarring tone of voice. “M-Matsuno Choromatsu.”
“How old was he?”
“He just turned 31 today. We both did.”
“You were twins?”
“Sextuplets.”
“Heh. A strange case indeed.”
None of this is laughable, you stupid fuck. Just let me go.
The cop cleared his throat. “That means your four other siblings had a birthday, too. Where were they?”
“My brothers and I all met up at one of their places,” She tried to remember. “Choromatsu-niis-- Choromatsu... he left early to go out drinking. One of my brothers, the host, had to kick us out an hour later. I guess everyone else went home. Choromatsu left his jacket before he went out, so I set out to find him. Eventually I did, a-and we were supposed to go home on the train together. But he was drunk, and lost his balance on the platform. And then...”
She couldn't handle this, retelling the nightmare after having just lived it. She could feel the room closing around her, her hair still caked in his blood.
Get me out of here. Get me OUT OF HERE--
“Ma'am.”
“Huh?!”
“Why did he leave to go out drinking?”
She bit her lip. “He recently lost his job, and... I don't know, he didn't really have anyone or anything to fall back on except his family. He was too proud, though. He didn't want any of our help! Maybe if he was sober, he wouldn't have paced back and forth so close to the edge, like he had a death wish!”
“Hmmm...” The cop rubbed his chin. “You say your maiden name is Matsuno?”
“Yes, why?”
“It's just that I've been checking my files, and your family came up in the results. Something about a kidnapping and robbery over two decades ago.”
“I don't remember much of it. It was my oldest brother who was kidnapped. Why?”
The man raised an eyebrow. “As of that time, the Matsuno family had four sons and two daughters. Your name matches neither of the two girls. Are you telling the truth when you say that Matsuno Choromatsu is your brother?”
You have got to be fucking kidding me!!!
“Look again,” she replied, gritting her teeth. “Matsuno Todomatsu is my deadname. The other two 'girls' I consider my brothers.”
He lowered his brow again, struggling to believe that a family could have three trans children out of six. “Of course, of course. So you and your brother were the only ones on the platform at the time of death?”
“Yeah.” She admitted it was a little strange that nobody else was present to witness the fatal accident other than her, the passengers, and the conductor.
“You say Choromatsu was in despair over having no support other than his family, which he refused help from.”
“Yes, why?”
The cop's face tightened. “Are you sure it was an accident and not a suicide?”
She was livid. “IT WAS NOT! HE FELL BACKWARDS, IF HE WANTED TO KILL HIMSELF HE WOULD HAVE JUST JUMPED IN!”
“Please calm down, Miss, uh...”
“Totty.”
“Totty. I'm asking, because it brings up another possibility.”
Just shut the fuck up! I want to go home! I want to cry on my husband's shoulder! My brother just fucking died in front of me and you're keeping me here just to make baseless accusations! He fell in by accident! Just leave it at that!
The policeman leaned in closer. “Alcohol in his system and recent misfortune also make for good scapegoats.”
She froze. “E-Excuse me?”
“Were you close to your brother?”
“I guess. I didn't see him as often as I used to but we didn't really have any kind of animosity toward each other in the past few years.”
“What about before then?”
“I always thought he was a hardass with rising self-awareness, but!!! I don't see what this has to do with anything!”
He changed the subject again. “Did he try to attack you when you were on the platform?”
“No! Why would you--”
“Did he provoke you for any reason? Insult you, or maybe your lifestyle--”
The cop had stepped on an enormous landmine. Totty shot straight up out of her seat. “HOW DARE YOU! HE'D NEVER! My brothers love me dammit, so did he! Don't you ever, EVER suggest that he disrespected me like that!”
She was beyond tears. This wasn't questioning, it was a personal attack.
“Ma'am, please sit down. I'm only asking because the paramedics at the scene were able to recover your brother's jacket. If we find any handprints...”
She was shaking too hard to sit.
Oh god, he thinks I did it. He thinks I killed Choromatsu-niisan. Oh god, oh god, oh god...
“O-Of course you'll find my handprints,” she choked out, “I was the one who gave him his jacket. You'll find Ichimatsu-niisan's-- You'll find another one of my brother's handprints on there, too.”
“Are you pinning this other brother of yours as a murderer?”
Are you for real?! Maybe when he was scarier but not now! Not to our brother!
“No! H-He handed Choromatsu's jacket to me when he told me to look for him. The birthday celebration was at his place. Please,” she begged, “you have to believe me. I would never wish this on any of my brothers. I just want to go home.”
A female cop burst through the door of the dark room, at least, shedding some light inside. “I have the footage,” she announced, handing a tape to the policeman. She turned to Totty. “You don't have to watch it, but you should know it's the security footage from the station at the time of the accident. It confirms that the victim fell in the tracks by mistake.” A pause. “Are we done questioning?”
“One more question,” the policeman said sternly. “If you knew your brother was so close to the tracks, why didn't you hold on to him?”
Totty collapsed in the chair. “I... I don't know.” It never even occurred to her to hold onto Choromatsu.
I could have prevented this. I could have saved him.
I let him die.
She lay in bed with the lights on that night, clinging onto Atsushi tighter than ever before. Neither slept. All she could think about was coming home and nearly collapsing, how she was forced to retell her trauma once again, how she stayed in the shower for almost 45 minutes before her husband finally knocked on the door, just to make sure she was okay. She couldn't leave the stall when she realized the blood hadn't washed out yet.
Why is there so much red?
Down the drain, the red kept coming in streams-- against the wall, against the floor, in her hands. She scrubbed at her skin as hard as she could, but the blood just wouldn't. come. off. How long had it been already? Shouldn't it have washed out by now? Totty stepped out of the shower to glance at her reflection. In reality, she was probably completely clean, but all she could see was red.
No. No. No no no NO NO NO NO NO--
Back in the bed, she tried to distract herself with happier thoughts, albeit still grim. “We used to die all the time, you know,” she thought aloud.
Atsushi wasn't sure if he believed her, but he knew from past experience it was always better to humor Totty than to argue. “Is that right?”
“Yeah, but we'd always come back. Maybe... m-maybe Choromatsu-niisan will come back, just like the old days. Why would all that suddenly stop now? Maybe I'll see him tomorrow.”
“Maybe.”
She didn't.
That was last year. Nothing changed since, save for the tensions between Totty and the rest of her brothers.
Jyushimatsu visited the most, either because he was a reliable friend or because his two-year-old kid preferred her home over theirs. Despite what anyone else may have said in the past, he was a great listener, who'd gotten much better at reading the atmosphere of touchy situations. If anything, he was good for empathy. He missed their big bro just as much as she did.
Karamatsu came over about twice a month, just to help out any way he could. All she felt from him, though, was pity.
You really are a Guilt Guy, you know that?
Osomatsu usually wouldn't visit but he always called. He'd dealt with trauma before and it was nice to talk to someone who personally understood.
Ichimatsu refused to contact her at all. It hurt more than she cared to admit.
What did you ever care about Choromatsu-niisan, you two weren't even that close! And how was any of this my doing?
Yet again, Ichimatsu had been the one to make her promise she wouldn't let Choromatsu do anything stupid that night.
Like let him fall into the tracks instead of holding onto him.
Ah, no wonder.
Ten months passed since she transferred to a different department store; she couldn't work or even walk near a train station anymore. After a number of episodes from hearing the sound of the trains running outside the building, she realized it was impossible to function at her old location.
Part of her birthday today was spent with a friend from her new workplace; she planned to spend the rest of it at home. Although she'd been driven there, returning home required crossing underneath the large overpass in the center of town, all on her own. There was no way to walk around it.
It's connected directly to the station.
Totty stood at the corner for two solid minutes, paralyzed with fear. If she walked too soon, she would hear the train. If she walked too late she would hear the train.
If I chose another way around the overpass, the only way I'd make it home is by tr--
Evidently she waited too long, and the screeching of the connected cars blared louder than she'd ever heard. Totty took off sprinting under the overpass, heart beating out of her chest. She didn't even feel attached to her own body anymore.
I hate this city, I hate this city!!! Why did I come all the way out here?!
She wasn't sure how long she ran before she rested at the nearest bench, only that she thought she was dying.
Can't walk by myself in the dark, can't ever go near a station again! How have I survived this long?!
Hands unsteady, she reached for her phone. She needed to call someone, anyone.
Karamatsu-niisan? No, he'd talk my ear off. I've bothered Jyushimatsu-niisan long enough. I don't wanna interrupt Atsushi when he's at work.
It was late enough in the day. Osomatsu had to be on his way home by now. Totty inhaled deeply, then dialed the eldest brother's number.
ring........ring.........ring.........CLICK!
“Hey.”
“Osomatsu-niisan!”
“'S'been a while, Totty.”
On the other end, he sounded exhausted. She wondered what he could have been up to on their big 32nd.
“I, uh...”
He laughed softly. “You wanna wish your big bro a happy birthday? Right back at ya!”
“Y-Yeah.”
She heard a sigh. “No, I know there's more to that. I mean, it's been a year, since... I mean, how are you holding up? Is everything okay?”
“Sort of.” She decided she wasn't ready to tell him about the train incident. “I was just wondering how your day's been going.”
“Hmmmm... I met someone along the way. I think he's been having a worse day than us.”
You couldn't fucking know that.
“Totty... I know you're kinda bitter with him for never reaching you, but I really don't think he blames you for what happened. You two should at least try to speak.”
“...Ichimatsu-niisan?”
“Yeah, he's here. He's asleep, so I can't put him on the phone right now--”
She kicked at the bench impatiently. “Wake him up! I haven't heard from him in a damn year!”
“No, I mean it,” Osomatsu's voice sounded strained, “he really needs to rest. Totty--”
“What?!”
“--I found him outside, half-dead.”
Hearing the word “dead” made her jump all of a sudden. Even worse was hearing it in regards to one of her brothers.
“...How?”
She heard the creak of a chair, her brother must have sat down. “Ichimatsu had to kick out his partners recently. He tried to manage his expenses on his own, but... he couldn't afford any food or supplies. I don't think he's eaten in a really long time.”
I bet the neighborhood strays have, the dumbass.
“I-I mean, I fed him when I got him home-- my home, that is! I don't think he should be living alone anymore. I really, really don't want to go through all of this again...” his voice cracked.
…......Oh.
“You mean like when he was homeless, or are you referring to Choromatsu-niisan last year?”
“Either one. Please, Totty,” Osomatsu was desperately trying to hold it together and failing miserably. “He'll talk to you tomorrow, I promise.”
She smiled a bit at the thought. “Fine, on one condition-- Bring Ichimatsu-niisan over here. He has to visit me in person.”
“R-Really?” All excitement was evident in his voice.
Thank god, he sounds a bit better.
“Yeah, and I really don't care how he feels about it. It's gonna happen.”
Osomatsu was now giggling like a child. “Are you sure? I thought he was your least favorite brother.”
She scoffed. “That's bullshit and you know it! I made that list up years ago!”
The laughter subsided. “All right, all right. I'll tell him. Anything else?”
She tapped her foot, deep in thought. “Yeah. Tell Ichimatsu-niisan 'happy birthday' for me when he wakes up.”
Before Osomatsu hung up, he shouted: “You'll see him. Tell him yourself!”
The phone call did her a world of good; she nearly forgot how scared shitless she'd been just a few minutes ago.
Realistically, she knew she wouldn't be able to let go of last year, and the memories and fears would follow her to her grave. But if just for a while, instead of dwelling on the brother she already lost, she cherished the time with the brothers she still had...
...Maybe things would turn out okay.