Work Text:
Day 1
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: a new way to look for ban-san???
check out this website!!!! https://pythagoreantheorumpictures.com
it’s a service for people working in the entertainment world exclusively, they say that for a fee they can get pictures of any celebrity past or present, and they charge a fixed rate + extra for how hard it is to get
do you think they might be able to get us recent pictures of ban-san? your birthday is coming up after all!!!!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
It might be a scam from Yamato and his friends. Their fans call them Pythagoras, after all
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
does yamato-kun know you’re looking for ban-san?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
No, I don’t think he knows that Ban exists
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
let’s give it a shot then!!!! I’ll go fill out the form on their website now :D
Day 3
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
Forwarded Message:
Dear Valued Customer,
Your payment has been processed and your order for candid photographs of Ogami Banri alias “Ban” will be delivered at your convenience. Due to the nature of your request, you have two options for delivery: physical [dead drop] or digital [NFT]. Please respond promptly with your preference and we will provide instructions for how you are to receive your order.
Best wishes,
The Pythagorean Theorem, Your Number One Source of Celebrity (and Magical Girl!) Photographs
yuki!!!!! we got a response!!!!!! and so fast too!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
That’s great. Which delivery option do you want, Momo?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
physical, we should save the nft for if we can get ban-san’s nudes from them
plus a physical picture would probably help track him down
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
A nude would be helpful too. For research purposes. And if there’s someone else in it, then we know who our enemy is.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
thats true. unless ban-san has an onlyfans, then it might just be a business decision
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
I want to be on Ban’s OnlyFans :(
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
me too :(
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
Forwarded Message:
Dear Valued Customer,
We are sorry to inform you that we cannot fulfill your order for nudes of Ogami Banri alias “Ban” or the link to his OnlyFans if he has one at this time due to logistical difficulties. Unfortunately, these photographs are currently inaccessible because that’s our fucking office worker you perv. We are not able to provide a refund at this time, because play stupid games win stupid prizes. We will update you if nudes of Ogami Banri alias “Ban” or the link to his OnlyFans if he has one becomes available. Thank you for your understanding.
Best wishes,
The Pythagorean Theorem, Your Number One Source of Celebrity (and Magical Girl!) Photographs
Bad news :(
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
ban-san works for a secret celebrity photographs website????
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
He wouldn’t do that, so they’re probably operating out of an office somewhere
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
i didn’t think ban-san would ever be an office worker. is he okay??
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
I don’t know.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
well, at least his coworkers aren’t selling his nudes :(
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
I wish they were, he’s never given me any himself
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
Forwarded Message:
Dear Valued Customer,
Your order for candid photographs of Ogami Banri alias “Ban” is currently out for delivery. It can be found in a baggie taped to the top of the tampon bin in the unisex bathroom on the third floor of the TV studio where NEXT Re:vale is filmed after 02:30 tomorrow and will remain there for the next 24 hours . Once 24 hours have passed, if the photographs have not been collected, they will be destroyed. The Pythagorean Theorem is not responsible for lost or stolen orders once they have been transferred to the dead drop . We are grateful for your business and hope that you order from us again soon.
Best wishes,
The Pythagorean Theorem, Your Number One Source of Celebrity (and Magical Girl!) Photographs
good news!!!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: a new way to look for ban-san???
If they really want our business, why won’t they sell us Ban’s nudes?
Day 4
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: got the photos!!
but was not able to see anyone using the dead drop. i think they might have interred them before even sending us the email :( :( :(
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: got the photos!!
Next time we’ll have to stake out the bathroom as soon as we order our pictures
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: got the photos!!
but what if they put them somewhere else next time?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: got the photos!!
We’re repeat customers, we can ask for it to stay the same
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: got the photos!!
they’ll see our stakeout though
maybe if we put cameras up in the bathroom?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: got the photos!!
Sure, that sounds like a reasonable plan of action to me
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: got the photos!!
perfect! i’ll order the cameras and once they’re in we can make our next picture order :)
Day 12
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: bad news again
Forwarded Message:
Dear Valued Customer,
We are sorry to inform you that we cannot fulfill your order for more pictures of Ogami Banri alias “Ban” at this time due to the subject of your request not being a celebrity. Unfortunately, these photographs are currently inaccessible because we only sell pictures of celebrities and magical girls. We are able to provide a refund at this time, because we have already filled a similar order in error. We will update you if more pictures of Ogami Banri alias “Ban” becomes available. Thank you for your understanding.
Best wishes,
The Pythagorean Theorem, Your Number One Source of Celebrity (and Magical Girl!) Photographs
If you think you have received this message in error, please fill out this form on our website explaining why Ogami Banri alias “Ban” is an actual celebrity.
currently filling out the form!! dw we will get our pictures!!!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: bad news again
Forwarded Message:
Dear Valued Customer,
We have received and processed your explanation for why Ogami Banri alias “Ban” is a celebrity. Your explanation, because he looks like a god and has the voice of an angel and i want him to sign my lucky underwear and because i have his name tattooed with Yuki’s on my ass, was not accepted, because what the fuck is wrong with you. While we at Pythagoras Theorem agree that Banri-san is great, we are beginning to worry that you and your partner might be stalking him, or, worse, planning to poach him from us. He isn’t yours, he’s ours. We are sure that Okazaki Productions has plenty of great office workers of their own that you can play with. If you really can’t live without seeing Banri-san, I’m sure that you could invent a reason to have a meeting with our company president. Banri-san serves our president coffee regularly, and you would probably be able to see him then.
Your case is not eligible for a re-examination, because Banri-san said that if he caught us taking secret pictures of him again we would be in charge of cleaning the toilets in the office for the next six months.
Best wishes,
The Pythagorean Theorem, Your Number One Source of Celebrity (and Magical Girl!) Photographs
yuki oh my god
we need to figure out who pythagorean theorem is ASAP
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: bad news again
Forwarded Message:
Dear Valued Customer,
We regret to inform you that The Pythagorean Theorem is shutting down. One of our supervisors at work noticed that we were taking and selling photographs of him, and now we are grounded. We are grateful for all of your business and wish you well.
Best wishes,
The Pythagorean Theorem, Your Number One Source of Celebrity (and Magical Girl!) Photographs
NOOOOOOOOOOO
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: bad news again
Why didn’t you invite me to get tattoos? I want your and Ban’s names on my ass too :(