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The door locked behind him as he stepped into the bathroom, stopping before the mirror. His gaze settled on his reflection, growing accustomed to his self hatred whenever he saw what stared back at him. He was sickly pale, and he was thin, but he couldn't see that. In his eyes, he wasn't skinny, yet he wasn't fat either. He was a healthy weight, but he couldn't stand the necessary fat that his body had. His thighs were too big, and so was his stomach. He found an oddly comforting sensation in the emptiness of his stomach.
Whenever he ate, he felt such an overwhelming sense of guilt, but he loved food too much to avoid it. If he could, he would starve himself, or force everything back out of his system by making himself throw up. However, he knew he physically couldn't bring himself to do that. He spent most days forcing himself to eat like a 'normal' person, otherwise his friends would worry about him. He didn't want that. He didn't want to burden them with his problems, as they all deserved so much better than him. When he was associating himself with people that day, that's what his routine would be. On other days, when he was completely alone, he wouldn't eat a singular thing. It was another one of those days, where he stood alone in the confines of his house, to be left with nothing but his suffocating thoughts.
Sunghoon looked blankly at his reflection. He raised his hoodie, subconsciously lowering his gaze to his stomach. If others saw his body, they would immediately comment on how visibly his ribs were protruding from his skin, since he was close to underweight. In Sunghoon's eyes, this simple feature went unnoticed. His mind clouded his vision, seemingly manipulating him to only pick out his flaws, leaving him entranced in a hypnotic state that left him blind to any signs of how ill he really was. He just wanted to look better, to be thinner, yet he didn't realise how painfully oblivious he was.
His fingers slipped to his stomach, pinching the skin between his fingers. If he was a healthy weight, surely his skin wouldn't rest between his fingers with such ease. Sighing to himself, he pulled his hoodie back down, fiddling with the hem as he made his way out of the bathroom. He didn't have the energy to deal with these thoughts right now. Oh how much he wished for just a momentary state of serenity, where he could place himself into another reality, no longer imprisoned by his low self esteem, or all of his issues pulling him down to the bottom of his sanity, to the limits of his patience and ensured safety.
Slowly dragging himself to his bed, he settles under the covers. Mindlessly picking up his phone, he turns it on. To no surprise, he had no notifications. It's not like anyone wanted to message him anyway, it would just be a waste of their day, so why should they bother? He goes onto Spotify, opening his favourite playlist, relaxing when the music blasts from his speakers. Finally, something to drown out his overpowering thoughts.
Almost as if trying to merge with the sheets, he pulls them closer to his body, desperately seeking the warmth from them that his body couldn't satisfy him with. He snuggles into the thick covers, closing his eyes, solely relaxing from the comforting music making him feel like the only one currently existing. Some time passes, and he's drawn into the warm embrace of his slumber, despite him not having intended to fall asleep. Not that he minded though, as his sleep was the one true chance to escape his thoughts. Sometimes he wished he could remain asleep forever, without having to physically drag himself out of bed to face another day.
The next day arrives, and Sunghoon groggily rubs his eyes, stretching as he sits up. He blankly stares at the floor, unsure what to do with himself yet again. He didn't have a job, nor any hobbies he could remain interested in, without losing all motivation to do them. Sighing defeatedly, he climbs out of bed, trudging over to the bathroom. Avoiding the cruel gaze from his mirror, he washes himself up, and brushes his teeth. He stretches his arms above his head, before catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror once again. Quickly lowering his arms, he tugs his shirt back down. He runs a hand through his hair, before stepping out of the bathroom, before his haunting thoughts lead to him having a breakdown.
He dresses himself in a simple baggy shirt and sweatpants, then slowly makes his way downstairs. Reaching the cosy confines of his kitchen, he brews himself a cup of coffee, whilst leaning against the counter. He had no idea how to occupy himself today, so it was best to start off small. He takes a warm sip of his coffee, savouring the bitter taste that rushes down his throat. Setting his mug down onto the counter beside him, he gazes out of the window. The rain was cascading down from the sky, lightly hitting the ground below, soaking into the pavement. Moments like this were peaceful, if it weren't for the humiliating thoughts being yelled from the terrors of his mind, destroying every chance he had at being content. It was extremely debilitating.
His headphones blasted music into his ears, muffling the sounds of the world around him. He didn't necessarily have a destination in mind, he just wandered down the streets aimlessly. Silently cursing himself for not bringing a hoodie or a coat, he walks into the welcoming doors of a cafe, as he sought any means of warmth. Whilst he was there, he decided to sit down at a secluded table by the window, and he quietly watched the bustling streets filled with cars racing by, people desperate to get home from their morning shifts without getting soaked.
Rummaging through his bag, he pulls out a small notebook. Leaning back against the chair, he picks up a pen, before scrolling through Pinterest, searching for ideas of what to draw. Something stands out, peaking his interest. He clicks on a pin of a passageway surrounded by cherry blossom trees, and he immediately begins pouring his thoughts onto the paper. Engrossed in his drawing, he lightly flicks his pen in different angles, aiming to recreate the pin he saw, to replicate the beauty of what nature can portray.
Customers around him sneak glances at the boy, wondering why someone young like him was all alone, finding comfort in his own presence. If only they could get a glimpse into his life, revealing all of the hardships said boy truly faced and was forced to overcome. No one sat with him, only gazing at him occasionally. At a table situated a small distance from him, occupied by a group of girls, one's eyes in particular were fixated on the boy. She was silently admiring him, the way his hair fell in front of his eyes, the way the sun peeking from behind the clouds cast rays of light, which shone across his face, making his skin glow. In that moment, he looked breathtakingly ethereal. The girl was dumbfounded, and merely confused as to how a guy like him could be sat alone, rather than drowning in the chaos of a group of friends.
Adding the final touches to his drawing, he placed the pen delicately onto the table, almost as if it could literally break in his hand. Resting his head on his arms, he returns his gaze out of the window. The streets were no longer bustling with life, but instead were tranquil with only minimal forms of people travelling, with the odd car driving past. Playing with the sleeves of his shirt, he blankly watches nothing in particular. Sunghoon didn't feel like he was there at that moment, his presence seemingly like a third party, watching his life unfold from afar. It didn't feel like he was in control of anything that happened in his life, he felt like he was sitting back as someone did everything before his very eyes.
As he was focused on whatever was outside, his eyes fell upon a certain individual. He sat upright, smiling to himself. This person walked into the cafe, and their eyes met with Sunghoon's. They immediately relaxed, before walking over and settling on the chair across from Sunghoon. He smiled softly at them, leaning back into his chair as he gazed at his friend.
"Hey Jay, I wasn't expecting to see you today." He chuckled lightly, whilst Jay returned his smile.
"I was in the area, so I thought I'd pop in. I was with Heeseung this morning, we went shopping together so he could pick out something to give to Sunoo, you know how close they've been lately." Jay replied, grinning at his own words. The two friends conversed for a while, without a singular care for the world around them, their sole focus being the person before them.
Jay and Sunghoon are best friends, and would practically be inseparable, if it weren't for the both of them being busy with their personal lives - Sunghoon, because he didn't have the motivation or energy to socialise or do much - whilst Jay has a job, working at a restaurant not too far from his house. Due to this, he didn't have much time to himself, so he couldn't find the time to spend with Sunghoon.
Luckily, Jay had a two day break, so he asked Sunghoon if he wanted to stay over the night and spend some quality time together. Sunghoon nodded, smiling softly, feeling at home whenever he was with Jay.
The two continue conversing for a while, before Jay glances at his friend's notebook, his eyes lighting up. "Sunghoon, did you draw this?"
Sunghoon looks down at his notebook, before shrugging. "I did, but it's nothing really." He replied nonchalantly, before jumping slightly as Jay ruffled his hair playfully.
"It's beautiful, Hoon. You should have more confidence." Sunghoon turns his head slightly, diverting his gaze from Jay, trying to hide the way his cheeks were now dusted a faint shade of pink.
Enjoying the comfortable silence, Jay and Sunghoon were walking down the street, heading back to Sunghoon's house. The air was crisp, sending small shivers through his body, and he wrapped his arms around himself to try to stay warm. He failed to notice Jay's gaze, before he heard the soft sound of his friend's laughter, which never failed to make him melt. Tilting his head to face Jay, his eyes widen slightly as he's handed a hoodie. "Just put it on, you're cold. You need it more than I do."
Sunghoon covers his face with his hand, feeling his cheeks heat up at the gesture. Hesitantly, he takes Jay's hoodie, before putting it on. Inhaling slightly, the aroma of vanilla wafted by his nose. Gosh, how he loved that smell, Jay's smell. He put that specific spray on whenever he went out, and Sunghoon loved it. It was his favourite scent. He put his hands in his pockets, smiling softly at Jay, before they continued back to his house. Walking inside, Sunghoon went to his room to pack a bag of essentials, whilst Jay waited by the front door.
Shortly after they arrived at Jay's, Jay sat down on his sofa, before patting the spot next to him, inviting Sunghoon to sit next to him. He wrapped an arm around Sunghoon's waist, resting his head on his shoulder.
"I missed you." Jay mumbled, which was barely audible, but it reached Sunghoon's ears.
Sunghoon chuckled lightly to himself, before he let out a small hum in agreement. Sat like that for a while, he could feel his cheeks heating up. It wasn't a secret to his friends about the small crush the boy had on Jay, unbeknownst to the boy himself. Both boys were clearly oblivious to the other's feelings, because their friends found it painfully obvious that both were longing and pining over each other.
Sunghoon excuses himself to the bathroom, when he quietly locks the door behind him. He slid down the door, putting his head between his knees as he pathetically attempted to hold back a breakdown. It didn't work very well, before tears silently trailed down his face, pooling at the bottom of his chin. He frantically wipes his tears away with his sleeves, or more specifically, with Jay's hoodie. The boy was still wearing his friend's hoodie, too cold to take it off, not that he wanted to anyway. Sighing in exasperation, he leans his back against the door, wishing he had an easier life. His heart catches in his throat a second later, when he hears a soft knock at the door. "Hoon, are you alright?"
His breath caught in his throat, as he wiped his tears away, before composing himself. Unlocking the door, he opens it, met with the worried gaze from his best friend. Not being given a second to process anything, Jay's arms wrap around his waist, holding him closely in his warm embrace. Sunghoon relaxes into the hug, using all of his mental strength to not fall apart in that very moment. When Jay pulls away from the hug, he can't help but to feel slightly disappointed, already yearning for the warmth that he had provided pure seconds ago.
The pair of them are sitting at the table, eating some homemade pasta, which was one of their favourite meals to share. Both of them were savouring the food, enjoying Jay's cooking. Shortly after they finish their food, Sunghoon leans back in his chair, his gaze falling to his best friend across from him. He looked so handsome in the dim lighting, and it was insane how he looked so stunning in the simplest of clothing, that only took him seconds to put together. Jay looks up from his bowl, grinning at Sunghoon, having sensed him staring. He quickly looks away, before grabbing both of their empty bowls, walking to the sink to wash up. He groans in fake annoyance when he glances at Jay, catching him laughing over his flustered state.
He sits beside Jay on the sofa after putting the dishes away, resting his head on his shoulder. Jay moves his hand to play with Sunghoon's hair soothingly, and he melts into his touch, slightly falling asleep. That was until Jay's voice called out to him. "Hoon?" Sunghoon sits up, looking at him.
"We need to talk." Jay holds his gaze firmly, his expression serious but calm. Sunghoon frowns, slightly nervous, which makes Jay sigh, realising it may not be the best time to bring things up.
"Nevermind, it can wait."
It was getting late, so the pair of them headed to the bedroom. Jay grabbed a pair of clothes for him to change into, and he stepped into the bathroom. Slipping on a thin shirt and shorts, he steps back out, his eyes scanning Jay's body at the sleeveless shirt and sweatpants he had on. Not wanting to get caught staring, he shakes his head, turning away. Jay walks over to him, before pulling him into a hug.
"You know I'm always here for you, hmm?" He whispers softly in his ear. Sunghoon hugs him back, nodding.
"Yeah, I know." He rests his head on Jay's shoulder, inhaling the comforting vanilla scent evading his nose.
"Why don't you eat? You're.. so thin. I'm sorry if I'm being invasive."
His head snaps up, looking into Jay's eyes. He couldn't know, could he? He shakes his head.
"I do, what do you mean?" This makes Jay sigh, before he sits down on his bed, Sunghoon following.
"Hoon, you're pale and thin. Your ribs are visible, and you're almost always cold. You're not well. Please, tell me what's going on." Jay frowns, his gaze full of concern for the younger.
Sunghoon sighs, leaning against the wall, before he begins to open up. He held everything in for way too long, and he knew he couldn't hold back any longer. Jay listened intently the whole time, comfortingly rubbing circles on the back of his hand. This helped him to open up more, and before long, he had told Jay everything he felt. Jay simply nodded, before pulling him into another hug.
"Hoon, you're perfect the way you are. It's perfectly acceptable to eat. You need to in order to survive. If you think nobody loves or cares about you, then you've forgotten - I'm here for you. I love you and care so much about you that it physically hurts. I wish I could take away all of your pain, and give it to myself. You deserve to be happy, and to have peace. I hope things get better for you soon." There was a momentary pause, before Jay continues.
"Please, let me help you. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to, but just let me support you. We can start off small, and work our way up, yeah? Your flaws are imperfectly perfect, and you're only human, so you're bound to have flaws. It doesn't make you any less of a person. I love you for who you are, and for everything about you. I mean it."
This is all that was needed for Sunghoon to break down, and he sobs in Jay's arms. It was rare for him to cry unless matters were bad, so this moment was clearly important to him. Jay holds him there for a while, whispering words of reassurance, whilst rubbing his back comfortingly.
When Sunghoon calms down, he pulls away from the hug, looking up at Jay. "Thank you, I really needed to hear that. It won't be.. easy to get better, but I'm willing to try, for you. I want to be better, I just needed to realise it. Thank you for bringing me to my senses." He smiles sadly at the older, leaning into his touch when he wipes his remaining tears away.
The older leans forward, before placing a gentle kiss on his forehead, causing the younger to blush. Jay's cheeks are tinted a shade of pink of his own as he moves back, realising what he did, before his eyes widen slightly when Sunghoon follows his movement. Their hands interlace perfectly with one another, before he leans in, softly kissing Jay. It was now or never. To his surprise, he kisses him back, and the pair of them melt into the short and sweet kiss. When they pull away, they gaze lovingly into the other's eyes, getting lost.
Jay looks down, before clearing his throat. "I wouldn't normally do this, but for you, it's different. I want you to know, you're not alone. I'm familiar with the taunting negativity, the thoughts that leave you broken, unsure whether you want to get better, or give up entirely. One thing I can assure you, is it gets better, if you try. It takes a lot of strength, but I believe you can do it. You're one of the strongest people I know, and you've made it so far. I'm proud of you." Those four words made Sunghoon's heart race, feeling a surge of warmth in his chest, feeling grateful to finally hear those words he'd been begging to hear for so long.
"We'll take every step together, and I'll support you through the whole journey. You will get better, I'll make sure of it. You deserve it, just like how you deserve happiness. Let me be the one who can show you how worthy you are. I want to be the one who brings back your smile, who can support you the whole time, and who can love you like how you deserve. It won't amount to the level you deserve, as that is inhumanely possible, but I can try my best." Jay chuckles awkwardly, looking intensely at Sunghoon.
The latter doesn't know how to respond, his cheeks heating up, as he gazes back at his friend. Breaking out into a soft smile, he nods. "You can." This causes the corners of Jay's mouth to tug upwards, as he holds his hands. Sunghoon looks down at their intertwined hands, before his gaze falls upon something he hadn't noticed before.
Faint scars were littered across Jay's arms, clearly healed. However, there were a few fresh ones. He frowns, looking up at Jay. He simply smiles sadly in return. "This is what I meant by how I understand."
Sunghoon nods, before leaning down, softly kissing one of his healed scars. "You're perfect despite your scars. They prove how strong you are, Jay. Let's recover together, yeah? If you're willing to try for me, I'll also try for you." Sunghoon smiles softly at the other, before pulling him into a hug.
They both nestled in the other's embrace, their relationship finally progressing into something more than just best friends yearning for one another. When they pull away, their smiles are bright and genuine. They cuddled into each other, getting comfortable under the sheets. Sunghoon rested his head against Jay's chest, whilst Jay soothingly played with his hair.
They gradually fell asleep, exhausted after a rollercoaster of emotions occurring that day. Finally at peace, they had one thought in common. They always had each other. A long road of recovery was finally around the corner, bringing a new start to their lives, a chance to feel the experience of living again. Their love and emotional bond was unbreakable, only strengthening them further, with determination to recover, and the desire to make the other happy. They would be each other's outlet, and chance of living life fully, enjoying every moment, together.