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Mom thinks I don’t know. But I’ve seen her write in that little black notebook of hers! I’ve always wondered what’s inside of it…
My first memory of the notebook was from when I was four.
I was playing in the kiddie pool with a few duckies when I turned around to ask her, “What mommy doing?”
She stopped scribbling in it and smiled at me, not answering my question.
“Which one’s your favourite ducky?” she said instead.
I immediately brightened up, forgetting what I asked, telling her all about my favourite (it was a pink ballerina ducky of course).
On my tenth birthday, I saw that fateful little notebook again. The exact one from six years ago.
“Mom?” I asked after the guests left. “What’s that notebook you’re always writing in?”
“This little thing?” she shook it, showing me some blank pages. “Your father gave it to me for our first wedding anniversary.”
She held it close to her heart. It was as if I had disappeared, and Dad was right there with her.
It was important to her, I knew. But not important enough in my younger mind. Ehh sure, Dad gave it to her, but it wasn’t interesting enough to keep my curious mind entertained.
Until I saw it again.
My grandfather passed away three years later. She was picking me up from school when she heard the news. I was walking with my friends when I heard her cry and immediately rushed over to her. She clutched her phone, tears streaming down her face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, frowning as the tears fell faster.
“… he’s gone” she quietly whispered. “Your grandfather… is gone…”
I threw my arms around her, “Let’s go home, Mom. Let’s go.”
She began quivering in my hug and I hugged her tighter.
I couldn’t cry. I had to be strong for her. Strong… strong…
After hearing the news, she became absorbed in the notebook, barely eating or sleeping. I tried to coax her with food, but it was like I wasn’t there. It was like that notebook was the only thing she had.
I became increasingly more worried as her frame started to become slimmer. Her eating habits started to improve but she barely got up from the bed, her eyes always on the notebook. God during that month, I had the urge to snatch that notebook out of her hands to get her to look at me again. I missed her. I missed my mom. And she was fading away every day.
School started to pick up as I began walking to school and taking care of her. It became so overwhelming that I broke down in front of my best friend. She knew that I recently lost my grandfather, but she didn’t know I was slowly losing my mom. She voiced her concern to my teacher, managing to get me a school counsellor. I told her about my mom and what I could do to get her a doctor or something, anything to make her better.
“Help me!” I cried. “I’ve tried EVERYTHING, but she won’t look at me. She won’t eat. She-she...”
I blacked out. I still have no idea why I did. Perhaps it was the pure stress of everything. Maybe I was falling sick with the same illness Mom was.
When I woke up, my best friend, Chiara, and her mom (also my mom’s best friend) was in front of me. They gave me a warm smile as they saw me blink aggressively to get the sleep out of my eyes.
“Where...?”
“Shhh, sweetie,” Chiara’s mom, Nora, said, “it’s okay. Your mom is fine now.”
I didn’t see Mom for a month or so, and Nora took care of me. Even to this day I am so so grateful for her help. I don’t know what would’ve happened to me, if I couldn’t…
Mom came back to herself as if nothing had happened. She increasingly kept writing in her notebook in her free time, but she tried to hide it from me. I think she didn’t want me to worry about her anymore. She never said it out loud, but I think she was embarrassed that I took care of her during that time. Despite her carefulness, I caught her writing in it multiple times.
That’s when my curiosity grew. I didn’t want to upset her by asking what’s in it, because obviously it was something important to her. So, I watched her write in it. She kept it in her drawer.
Once I was 15, Mom had gotten way better. She had started going out with friends and being extremely bubbly like she used to. But I unfortunately started getting worse.
It started with a friendship breakup. During my time with taking care of Mom, a nice talkative girl started talking to me enthusiastically, making me forget a bit of my growing problems. Her name was Maeve. Maeve always greeted me and even started accompanying me during my walks home. She loveeeeeddd talking about her day, the guys she liked and complaining about teachers or her parents. She said she hated how her parents were so overbearing with her and how it was so so stupid that they did. I liked listening to her talk, because it managed to drown out all the other voices in my head. We became close friends, and I began hanging out with her more and more.
I loved my best friend, Chiara, but Maeve was truly something else. The thing about Chiara was that she had a keen eye. She knew when my cracks in my demeanour began showing and her constant worries drove me even closer to the edge. Maeve was the breath of fresh air I needed at the time.
But after Mom got better, Maeve began… changing. She started hanging out with more boys and became a lot crueler. I liked this one boy at my school named Kai. He was this sweet guy, who after became my friend. Well, Maeve didn’t like the attention I was getting from him. For some reason, she began resenting me. He wasn’t even the type she liked in guys!
She then confessed to me that he had told her things about me. I frowned, weird, that’s out of character for him. So, to be sure, I asked Chiara.
She shook her head, “I’m telling you, Juliette. She’s bad bad news. You know Kai. He would NEVER say such things about people. ESPECIALLY you.”
She winked at me with a knowing look. I looked at her weirdly, not getting the implication she was trying to make.
Still, I talked to both Maeve and Kai. They were both close to me, so I enjoyed their company. But Maeve became increasingly more jealous. She kept trying to put herself between me and Kai, seemingly shielding him from me.
One day I had enough and asked her, “What’s your problem with me, Maeve?”
She rolled her eyes, “My problem with you? God, Juliette! Don’t you see? You’re pretty, amazing and everything I want to be. Everyone loves you but who loves me? I want to be loved too! I want to be loved by YOU!”
I stood there shocked, her words seeping in.
She continued on, “I want you to love me the way you love Kai! … Don’t look at me like that! I see the way you look at him. And the worst part? He loves you too! I hate him! And I hate you for the way you make me feel!”
She stormed off, leaving me in pure shock. That wasn’t what I was expecting from her.
Her unexpected confession and breaking our friendship left me spiralling. Did she just want to date me? Was our friendship ever real?
Maeve always looked like she was crying, coming to school. But she refused to talk to me.
Mom started to get back in her habit of her notebook. I became scared that she was getting sick again.
Kai began being more distant to everyone. I then found out he was suffering through depression, when he sent me a goodbye message at midnight, professing his love for me and his regrets. I immediately rushed to his house, barely making it to call 911.
Chiara had recently had a bad breakup. He had become extremely abusive towards the end of their relationship that I had to intervene, earning me a punch in the face from her then boyfriend. She caught him stalking her a few times after their relationship ended, and I did my best to try and console her. In the end, the cops had to be called.
My constant worry about Maeve, Mom, Kai and Chiara started affecting me. A girl can only do so much.
I started spiralling badly. Worse than when I was taking care of Mom. I started collapsing after school, blacking out as I barely reached my bed.
How much longer could I take before I cracked under pressure?
Everything I did to keep everyone together in perfect pieces… would it be for nothing? Was it all just temporary?
... I had to be strong though. How was I supposed to help my loved ones then?
I struggled for a year with my exhaustion. I tried to keep it hidden for Mom and Chiara (damn their insightful eyes!) but my mask started slipping again.
I caught Chiara whispering quietly into Kai’s ear and he nodded, staring straight into my eyes.
After his attempted suicide, he decided to keep away from me. Every time he saw me in the hall, he scurried away. What was he afraid of, honestly? I had told him when he was in the hospital bed, that I reciprocated his feelings.
He looked at me nervously as Chiara pushed him towards me, “Uhm… Juliette?”
I looked up from my book, “Yeah?”
“Could I talk to you for a sec?”
I sighed, packing my book into my backpack, “What’s up, Kai? Finally decided to stop avoiding me?”
He flinched, “Chiara says she’s worried about you that you’ve been-”
“Chiara’s always worried,” I interrupted. “Besides why do you care? It’s not like we’re friends anymore.”
He looked hurt, but I didn’t care. Where was he when I needed him? Worried about his ego no doubt.
“Juliette… I, uhm, I-”
“If you don’t have anything else to say to me, then leave. I’m kinda busy right now.”
“Right, uhm,” his eyes were downcast, “have a good day.”
I rolled my eyes. The nerve to pretend to care after being there for him! He ghosted me for a year straight! What was the excuse there?
I walked straight to the bathroom to cry. Why couldn’t I be left alone? I know Chiara had a good heart, but sending Kai to me as if that was supposed to help? When he was one of the reasons, I was worried!
What was I supposed to do now? In my delirious crying session, I suddenly remembered Mom’s notebook. I was not sure why it came to mind, but I suddenly had a strong desire to know what was in it.
The bell rang as I rushed out of the bathroom. End of day. End of day. If I was sneaky enough, I could get to see the notebook. End of day. End of day. I bumped into Kai on my way out.
“Sorry,” I mumbled quickly, rushing out of the school without hearing his reply.
End of day. End of day. Mom said she’d be at the bowling alley today with Nora.
“Juliette!” Chiara’s voice cried out behind me.
End of day. End of day. I had to get home quick. I needed to know what was in there.
“JULIETTE WAIT UP!” she cried again.
End of day. End of day. My stamina started running out. Oh god, when did it get so hot? Why was my chest suddenly so heavy? End of day. End of day. Oh no, I had to make it home, before I-
I felt my head hit the concrete before I heard Chiara’s voice again, “Juliette! Juliette!”
I blinked, looking at Chiara’s worried face.
“What happened?” she said, frantically looking over me, checking for any injuries.
“Tired that’s all.”
I heard a snort behind her, “Right and I was just sad.”
“Who’s that?” I asked her warily.
She smiled worriedly, “Kai. He told me what happened when he talked to you and when you suddenly ran out without glancing his way. He was worried about you… and rightfully so! What are you doing on the ground?”
I looked around me. I was in the middle of the sidewalk headed straight to my house, meaning I had to have run a good two blocks before I finally gave into my exhaustion. I looked back at Chiara’s worried face and then spotted Kai. I made eye contact with him and immediately stiffened.
Brushing off my pants, I said, “Thanks, I’m good now.” I nodded to both before starting to walk home.
After that, I did my best to keep my exhaustion under control, but they had to have said something to Mom. She began keeping a closer watch on me and spent a lot more time with me.
Kai kept his distance but occasionally tried to talk to me again. I actually appreciate his consistency, because I was extremely rude and short with him.
Our conversations usually went like this:
Kai: Hey Juliette!
Me: Get out of my face.
I never blocked his number, because I didn’t really hate him. I just… wished he could have supported me when things got rough for me. I wished he didn’t shut me out like I was some sort of... mistake.
One day I got caught off guard. And no less by Kai himself. It was a pretty rough day. Mom had started being quiet again and no matter what I did to get her to talk, she didn’t relent. Before I started freaking out in front of her, I left my house under the guise of getting some groceries and went to cry underneath a tree in the park nearby. It began raining while I was there, but I didn’t care. I needed a breather to try and recollect myself. I buried my face into my knees. Why was this so hard?
“… Juliette?” I looked up and saw Kai kneeling down in front of me.
“Hey Kai,” I sniffled, too tired to keep up my mean façade with him.
He stared at me, before offering a smile, “You’re beautiful, you know that?”
“Thanks.”
“No Juliette, I mean it. You’re even more beautiful than the sun peeking through the trees. Your beauty knows no limit.”
I smiled slightly, before a yawn interrupted me. Oh no, the exhaustion suddenly had hit me.
“Whatever you’re going through, you don’t have to go through it alone. You can share the pain with me, you know?” he squeezed my hand reassuringly. “I know the deep pain I’ve done to you. I can feel it through the tough face that you use to try and hide it from me. Your eyes never have lied.”
“Hmm,” I replied in thought, “how long have you known?”
“It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that ghosting you hurt you. I thought I was doing the best for you. I didn’t think you deserved someone like me.”
“Now what do you mean by that? I don’t deserve you!” I laughed lightly, “C’mon! You’re so kind, brave and strong.”
He laughed, “Stop making fun of me! I’m being serious!”
“So am I!” I countered.
“I hated how much I unloaded onto you that night," he finally said, his eyes expressing deep remorse. "You were so strong and brave and what was I? Weak and lonely. You don’t deserve someone as cowardly as me.”
Ahh, so that’s what it was about.
“Hey,” I tucked a whisp of his hair behind his ear, “I hope you know that I never judged you for that. I will always love you.”
He casted his eyes downward, “Ahh… seems I made a mistake.”
“Mhm, and how will you make up for that?” I teased him.
He looked up, smiling, “Like this.”
And he pressed his lips onto mine.
Everytime, I imagined my first kiss, I never thought it would be like this. Under pouring rain, under a tree. But I couldn’t ask for a better one. It was sweet and gentle. I still remember it, even a year later. God, I’ll never forget.
He quietly then asked me, if I needed his umbrella to go back home. I declined it, but he gave it to me anyways.
When I woke up the next day, I was in my room with no recollection of how I got there. Mom excitedly started asking me questions about Kai, since apparently, he brought me here. Seems like Mom was getting better.
My year after that was amazingly peaceful. Mom was doing great again. Kai and I were together. Chiara was finally happy with a guy who deserved her (and she was so excited once I told her about Kai. She still keeps asking me to retell her our first kiss).
And suddenly, it’s grad day. Mom keeps fussing around me, wanting to make sure I’m all ready to go.
“Aww, honey,” she says, her eyes filled with tears, snapping a picture. “You look so beautiful. Your dad would have loved to see you.”
I smile, “I’m glad you’re doing better, Mom.”
She hugs me, “I’m glad you are as well. Kai helped you like you helped me.”
I nod, a bugging question lingering in my mind again. I hadn’t thought about it in so long that I forgot.
“Mom?”
“Yes, honey?”
I take a deep breath, hoping I don’t trigger her, “What’s in your notebook?”
Mom smiled, “I think you’re finally ready to look at it.”
I look closer as she pulls out her notebook from her pocket. She opens to the first page reading, for my beautiful daughter, Juliette.
I gasp, looking at her and she smiles encouragingly to continue reading.
For my beautiful daughter, Juliette,
When you read this, you’ll probably be graduating by now. I have started this notebook to give to you on your grad day. It has all my thoughts and memories of you. Of how you helped me and brought joy to my life.
I don’t know how many times you’d have helped me by the time you read this, but I know it’ll be a lot, because of how beautiful and kind you are. I look at you now and know that you’ll grow into a beautiful and successful woman.
My sweet, sweet Juliette. Did you know that your name means youthful? Your dad and I absolutely fell in love with that name when we first heard it. And it suits you so well, baby girl.
I love you so, so much, sweetie.
From,
Your momma
“Mom…” I say, tears threatening to fall.
“Turn the next page,” she says, looking so touched at my reaction.
I turn it and gasp, “…Dad?”
Mom looks shocked too as she reads the next page.
Dear Juliette,
From your momma, I’ve heard such marvellous things about you. She says you’re growing into a fine young lady.
Oh, how I regret missing you grow up. I’d have loved to see your first steps. Heard your first words. And seen your first heartbreak. I wish I could have seen you grow up, my beautiful girl.
I hear things are going well for you and your momma. I’m so glad as you see, I got a bit worried for the two of you. But you’re so strong, Juliette, and you helped your momma too. Oh, my brave little girl. How I miss you.
I love you. Stay strong.
From,
Your Father
“B-but how?” Mom stutters as my tears fall. Oh Dad, I miss you so much. “This wasn’t here before!”
I smile, “He’s always been with us, Mom.”
“I… I… uhm,” she cleared her throat, despite hot tears falling down her face, “check the next page!”
I flip the page, happy tears still falling.
Drawings. Drawings. So many drawings fill the page with small little words like brave, beautiful, smart, Juliette.
And it’s all of me. Over the years. When I first rode my bike. Me and Chiara. Me and her. Me and Dad.
“Oh, Mom,” I say, looking and seeing her cry. “This is so beautiful! You did this… all for me?”
“All for you, sweetheart. You’re the greatest joy and gift I’ve ever been given,” she says, taking my hands in hers. “You did so much for me and despite everything, you stayed strong.”
I give her a huge hug, squeezing her as hard as I can. We both hold each other as long as we can.
“I love you, Mom,” I whisper.
“I will always love you, sweetheart.”
Suddenly the doorbell rings, and Mom pulls apart to answer the door. And there is my boyfriend, Kai, holding my favourite flowers in my favourite colour (pink carnations!).
“How’s my gorgeous Juliette doing?” he says, winking at me.
“Amazing!” I cry, running to throw my arms around him. He twirls me around with one arm. “And might I say you look absolutely dashing right now?”
“Aww you’re so cute!” he laughs, placing me down, but not before wiggling my cheek. “But you look like an absolute goddess in that gorgeous pink dress.”
I blush, Mom giggling behind me.
“You don’t want to be late, lovebirds!” she says, gesturing to leave through the door.
I laugh, “Okay! Okay! Leaving now.”
“I’ll meet you there, okay? Just have to run some errands.”
“Okay, Mom, love you!”
Kai offers his arm as he gives me the flowers, he brought me.
“You ready?” he asks me, grinning.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”