Work Text:
hongjoong stares at herself in the mirror, tears rapidly filling her eyes each time she tries to wipe them away.
“fuck,” she mumbles to herself, her voice quiet and shaky. she squeezes her eyes shut, wiping away her tears again. what’s wrong with her? why is she even crying? she feels pathetic. she is pathetic
hongjoong fell asleep at the studio last night — and now it’s midnight and she’s still here, at the studio. she wants to stop crying- no she needs to stop crying, she has work to do.
she doesn’t let herself cry anymore — no matter how much she needs to. she’s done.
she sinks back into her chair, slouching over herself as she stares at her computer, stares at her unfinished work — god why does she feel like this? why does she feel like such a failure? she works so hard, she does everything she can for the members, but she still feels like this, still feels worthless.
hongjoong just blinks at the screen, tears already filling her eyes again — god what is wrong with her right now? she doesn’t ever cry, she’s never been such a failure. she can’t focus on the screen, she can’t do the one thing she’s good at.
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hongjoong wakes up and it’s still dark out, she glances over at the clock.
3:00.
she attempts to blink away her sleepiness but fails, closing her eyes again. her cheek is squished against her arm, drool dripping down her chin and her laptops open still. she really didn’t mean to sleep here again — she doesn’t even really remember closing her eyes but here she is.
she sits up straight, her back cracking like an old man when she stretches, she rolls her neck, listening to the pops before she grabs her phone, seeing all the unread messages from a very upset seonghwa — but she can’t bring herself to answer, so she just shoves her phone into her pocket, puts her laptop in her bag and leaves — she needs to shower anyways, she feels gross.
she walks back, the night air cold against her skin even through her jacket. her short hair is frizzy and greasy — she feels so disgusting.
she gets to the dorms, opening it silently. she tosses her bag onto her bed and goes straight to the shower, praying it makes her feel better.
but her brain just stops in the shower..
she stands in the cold water, letting it run down her body — it’s like she feels nothing. she’s desperately trying to feel again, wanting her brain to atleast think of something — but nothing comes up.
she’s just awake.
⋆˚࿔
hongjoong’s body is moving on it’s own. she’s walking to seonghwa’s room. hongjoong knows seonghwa’s sleep schedule, she’s well aware she’s asleep but she needs her. she needs her more than anything.
she pushes open the door, silently shutting it. her eyes land on seonghwa, her pretty long hair spayed out all over her pillow and one of her legs out from under her blanket — she’s only in underwear and a tanktop.
hongjoong can’t look away, not even if she wanted to - she loves her so much, she tells everyone about how pretty seonghwa is, how beautiful her soul is. she’s perfect.
she’s looking down at seonghwa, watching the way chest moves up and down with each breath, looking at her pretty lips that are parted, staring at how pretty her lashes look when her eyes are closed.
all hongjoong can do is stare. she stares until seonghwa begins stirring in her sleep — seonghwa always wakes up when hongjoong’s home, it’s wired in her brain at this point, all of hongjoong’s late nights have been driving seonghwa crazy since forever.
seonghwa’s eyes open, her arms going to stretch over her head, body arching like a cat. she hums, still trying to blink away her sleep as she looks at hongjoong, trying to process the fact she’s in here, staring at her.
“joong?” her voice is raspy with sleep, but still so, so pretty. she uses the back of her hand to move her hair stuck to her forehead, blinking up at her confused.
hongjoong stares at her silent for a few moments longer before her bottom lip wobbles and a small “hwa..” leaves her mouth. hongjoong is trying her hardest to stay composed, but, god all she wants is seonghwa to take care of her, to coddle her and praise her, tell her how good she’s doing and how pretty she is.
she just wants seonghwa.
seonghwa’s brows furrow, her gaze softening as she looks up at the shorter girl. she’s still exhausted, but hongjoong comes first. she moves over, reaching her arms out and helping her lay down, pulling her close and resting her chin on her wet hair.
“joong? baby, talk to me” she says softly, one of her hands resting on the back of her head as the other traces her nails up and down her back — hongjoong just in a sports bra and sweatpants.
seonghwas confused. she’s tired, she’s frustrated, but most of all she’s so concerned. she hasn’t seen hongjoong in two days and she comes back in pieces and seonghwa is the one who picks them up — not that she would have it any other way. all she ever wants is hongjoong to take care of herself,
hongjoong takes a shaky breath, her face tucked away in seonghwa’s chest, her cheek squished against it. her fingers running through seonghwa’s hair, twirling the ends around her fingers repeatedly.
“i don’t know” she mumbles, pressing soft kisses on the warm skin of her chest, just trying to get her to stop feeling this way, to get her to feel normal — she’s scared she’ll feel like this forever.
she doesn’t know what gets her in these moods. maybe it’s the lack of sleep or the fact she isolated herself, maybe she just missed seonghwa.
seonghwa sighs, her fingers scratch at her scalp. seonghwa smiles when she hears hongjoong’s breathing even. for some reason that’s just the sweetest thing to seonghwa, she smiles, placing a kiss on her forehead before closing her eyes again, still so tired herself.
“do you wanna sleep?” she asks, her own voice getting quieter, her fingers slowing too — hongjoong feels bad. she doesn’t wanna keep seonghwa up, but she doesn’t want her to stop babying her, she needs it.
“not yet.. i’m sorry..” she says quietly into her chest, unsure where she got the courage to say what she wants, to not just follow whatever seonghwa says — seonghwa immediately squeezing her tighter. she’s so proud, even if it’s such a small thing.
“good girl.” she mumbles into her hair, kissing all over head, arms wrapped around her waist, holding her close with a smile, “i’m so proud of you”
hongjoongs skin feels like it’s burning , pressing her face further into her chest and almost whining . “w-what? shut up-“ she bites — seonghwa can hear the smile in her voice.
hongjoong pulls away from her chest, reaching up to cup her cheek and pull her in for a soft kiss, something in her expression still off — and seonghwa can’t figure it out. she can’t tell what she’s feeling, it’s stressing her out.
hongjoong looks into her eyes, making note of the worried expression on her face, she wants seonghwa to stop worrying, so she speaks.
“i-i just-“ she takes a breath. “i get in these moods and-“ she doesn’t know how to explain it. “i don’t know. i’m sorry.” she gives up, pressing her face back into her chest, taking a deep inhale of her sweet scent.
seonghwa just kisses her scalp a few times, tracing her nails up and down her back, feeling the way she twitches when it tickles just a bit. “it’s okay.” she smiles. “thank you for trying, sweetheart” she whispers, wanting nothing more than to take away all of her worries, make her happy forever.
hongjoongs hums at the praise, her body slowly relaxing, no longer stiff and tense, just calming down from seonghwas gentle touches. hongjoong still doesn’t feel like herself, but she feels better , a lot better than she did before, and that’s okay.
hongjoong really wishes she could explain how she feels, she wants to tell seonghwa, wants her to not worry about her. she doesn’t want seonghwa to have to sacrifice her sleep when hongjoong spends days at the studio and needs to be babied.
she doesn’t wanna be a burden anymore .
she doesn’t wanna sleep, but her eyes are getting heavy, her brain is focusing on seonghwa’s nails on her back and the sweet words she whispers — seonghwa always just talks to calm her down, telling her about her day, complimenting her, she loves hongjoong, she would wake up every night for her.
“you can go to sleep..” hongjoong whispers, pulling away from her chest and looking at her with an eerily empty gaze, almost staring right through seonghwa — why can’t she feel better?
seonghwa frowns at her, the hand in the other girls hair moving to cup her cheek, watching her gaze immediately soften, her cheek pressing against seonghwa’s warm palm, her eyes closing.
hongjoong’s desperately trying to feel normal, just wanting to lay with seonghwa, sleep in her bed, in her arms and wake up next to her.
“it’s okay, honey, really.” seonghwa speaks softly, pressing her lips to her forehead again, watching her ease into her, letting her melt into seonghwa. she caresses her cheek with her thumb, her other hand wrapped around her waist, keeping them flush together, keeping hongjoong safe in her arms.
hongjoong doesn’t know what magic seonghwa just used, how she feels weightless. her blinks slowing down as she attempts to fight off her sleep, all of her weight against seonghwa’s hand. her arms are draped over seonghwa’s shoulders, fingers tangled in her hair before she eventually falls asleep.
seonghwa’s still tired herself but she wants hongjoong to fully fall asleep first, just wanting her to be able to sleep through the night for once . she wants nothing more than for her to get out of her own head, wanting her to love herself as much as seonghwa loves her.
after a few minutes she smiles, hongjoong still in the same position with her cheek squished against her palm. seonghwa leans forward, placing a gentle kiss on her temple and whispering, “i love you.”
hongjoong’s not fully asleep yet and she can’t help the smile that forms on her face, pressing her lips more towards her palm and placing very sleepy kisses all over the warm skin before whispering a sweet “m’love you more, baby.”
hongjoong falls asleep just like that, a smile on her face and wrapped in the person she loves most in this world.
she’s happy.