Chapter Text
It’s New Year’s Eve and The Arrows are enjoying their time off after finally being able to record their new single and the whole Christmas debacle.
“You know, I think I’m finally going to quit smoking.” Paul said.
“What? Really?” Jake exclaimed from his seat at the table.
“What do you mean, what ?” Paul shot back.
“Nothing,” He replied, shrugging. “It would just be more believable if you weren’t smoking as you said that.”
“Oh right, yeah.” He flicked the cigarette onto the floor and Alan quickly stomps it out because someone around here has to make sure the place doesn’t set on fire. “But seriously I will. This is the last day I smoke. Hand on my heart and everything.”
“Get off the table.”
Paul jumps off the table from where he was making his heartfelt speech and picks up some pans instead.
“Please don’t tell me…”
“Yes! You know what’s about to happen! My other New Year’s resolution!”
As he says that, Alan walks in at just the wrong time to be hit on the head with said pan as Paul swings it around. It crashes into his head with a resounding thud.
“OW.”
Alan’s body immediately crumples, small hands holding his face.
“OH NO! I’m so sorry Alan,” Paul says, flailing around while Alan stands there, a single beautiful tear sliding down his cheek. “Please don’t cry.”
“Oh no, Alan!” Jack repeated Paul, and rushed over to his side as well, arms outstretched. He waved them around Alan’s face helplessly. Paul started scowling at him.
“What?”
“Do something useful!”
“This is useful!” He protests, doing some more waving.
Alan started crying harder.
Later, after Alan had recovered with an ice pack on his face and a sugary drink in hand, Paul is back in the kitchen with slightly more cautious enthusiasm.
“Ok, so,” he began. Jake rolled his eyes. “No, seriously. Jake, stop laughing at me. Instead of smoking, I’m going to take up cooking.”
“Cooking.” Jake deadpanned. He vaguely recalled Paul banging on about taking up cooking on Christmas, but he had mostly blocked the thought out after seeing his dessert contribution.
“Yes. Yes! Oh my god, Alan, please don’t start laughing too. I’m serious, guys. This is my New Year’s resolution!”
“Wasn’t it also your resolution last year?” Alan asked innocently.
“Yes, but this time it’s actually going to happen!”
Jake and Alan politely looked away.
A few awkward coughs later, Paul continued on. “I’m about to make the most delicious meal ever, trust me.”
“Sure, we trust you,” Jake said as he stood up to clap Paul on the shoulder. “And while you do that, me and Alan are going out.”
“Out? To do what?”
“Definitely not getting out of the mansion before you burn it down.” Jake said at the same time Alan said. “I have to walk the fish.”
“He’s joking of course,” Jake pushed a pouting Alan out of the way and behind his back, out of sight from Paul. “We’re going to go shopping.”
Alan spun around with his hands full of coupons and waved them in front of Paul’s face. “Shopping!”
“The shops are all having sales because it’s no longer Christmas but they’ve still got Christmas items to sell, see?” He tapped his nose like he was really clever and had discovered some crazy secret. Paul frowned at him. “Not to mention, we have a bunch of super savers coupons that Alan’s saved. We’re practically rich.”
“They’re from my scrapbook!”
Why Alan is scrapbooking with old receipts Paul has no idea, but if it means they’re saving money, all the better. Alan and Jake go off into the other room to grab their matching Arrows coats, before popping back in to say bye.
“We’ll be back in basically an hour.”
“Toodaloo!”
“Please don’t spend too much money.” Paul called after them, but they were already off and left Paul in the kitchen, armed with only his frying pan. “Guys, seriously, this house is expensive!”
Neither one of them replied, apparently very eager to get out of the house. Paul couldn’t possibly imagine why.
“Alright, which stores should we hit first?”
Alan consults the list he hurriedly made as they were leaving the mansion and walking down the flights of impossibly long staircases to the garage.
“Uhhh.”
He’d actually only put down one store, MusicLand, where they got all their gear from. He was fairly sure they didn’t have any Christmas items in.
“C’mon, surely you know a few good places we can go to? We need to be gone for at least two hours so we have an alibi in case Paul kills someone.”
“Paul would never kill anyone!” Alan defended heartily. “At least, not on purpose.”
They took a sharp corner, and the view outside the windows disappeared into dirt until they turned into photos and paintings, none of which the Arrows themselves had put up. Alan was convinced it was haunted. He was probably right.
Jake stepped in front of Alan when they reached their destination, an old wooden door that led into the garage.
Jake stood up as tall as he could and cleared his throat. “I’ll go first.”
He tapped the door with his hand (it didn’t close, no matter how hard they tried) and it squealed open.
For some reason, the person who had built the house had included a small corridor in between the last staircase and the garage. Unlike the rest of the house, it wasn’t taken care of very well, clearly degrading to the whims of time, and definitely 3 quarters of Alan’s argument as to why the house was haunted.
Jake stepped his foot in tentatively, and Alan instantly sprung after him, almost jumping on his back.
“Please don’t leave me behind,” He whispered.
“I wasn’t going to!”
The corridor got darker and darker as they continued down it. Eerily, every light they had tried to install down here had blown. They’d tried torches next, but they’d stopped working as soon as they came down here. Even matches were blown out by some mysterious, non-existent wind.
“I swear, I can feel something on my back,” Alan said right into Jake’s ear, making him jump.
“I thought we agreed; no talking in the corridor!”
“This seemed important. If I die from a terrible spider bite, remember I always loved you and Paul. But I love Paul a little more right now because you don’t seem at all concerned that I’m going to die .”
“Stop that!” Jake didn’t really have time for Alan’s dramatics. “Just go back to making a shopping list in your head.”
The corridor suddenly dipped down, bringing them further into the dirt. Another weird design flaw of the house, because why the corridor seemingly went under and then up again like a wombat burrow Jake had no idea.
Eventually they stopped at a set of stairs which they quickly climbed, and finally emerged into the garage.
“Oh, finally! I really hate that place.”
“You’re such a drama queen, Alan. You didn’t die, let alone get hurt!”
“I could have!” Alan defended. “I could be dying right now! I heard that some spider bites actually take a long time to kick in, with the poisons and venoms and what-not. Basically, I could drop dead at any moment.”
“Did you actually get bitten by a spider?”
“...No.”
“Then you’re fine,” Jake grinned, and slapped him on the black. Alan just scowled.
They both walked over to the ArrowMobile, which was sleek and shiny after Jake had meticulously cleaned and waxed it over the weekend, his own New Years Resolution. He probably loved it more than his own children, not that he had any, but if he did the ArrowMobile would come first. He was one of those people.
“I’m driving!” He suddenly interjected, and leapt over Alan to get to the driver's seat, even though Alan hadn’t remotely tried to stop him. “Wipe your hands before you open the door, please!”
Paul may never kill anyone on purpose, but Jake definitely would if someone laid a finger on his precious car.