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It happened like all great things tended to happen, deliberately accidental and entirely a victim of prophecy.
William Jakrapatr should have seen it coming from a mile away. He should have known that the night would have gone the way it did, especially when his eyes had caught the way Est’s lips had glistened with the sheen of Tose’s strawberry lip balm under the purple-pink lights of the Songkran festival.
Est had been smiling then, a genuine smile, toothy and on the cusp of laughter. He had been looking at William with a spark in his eye that threatened to set him aflame.
If only he knew that William had already burned for him a hundred times over and was now revelling in the still-hot ashes of his own slow demise, waiting for whatever pieces of him that were left to be incinerated to nothing.
He didn’t think much about what he had done or even why he did it. Not really. All William knew was the ache in his chest that had been gnawing at him for what felt like his whole life had sharpened to such an intensity he would have done anything to assuage it.
So when Tose had finished applying the very same lip balm on him, William had turned and immediately made a grab for Est, lacing his fingers through his hair, grasping at him with a desperation he had up until now been suppressing before crushing their lips together.
It had been an inelegant kiss, wet, all teeth and tongue, erasing whatever vestiges of the lip balm there had been. Tose’s efforts were now rendered moot, not that William cared. Not when Est responded immediately, drawing him in by the waist. Not when Est was kissing him back with the same fervour William felt.
It wasn’t their first kiss. Not if you counted their time on the set of ThamePo. The kisses had been more curated then, meticulously choreographed, meant to entice a third party, meant to be business as usual for them. But that hadn’t made Est’s lips any less soft, sweet or any less addictive. That hadn’t stopped the heat rushing through William’s entire body or the bright red colour from blooming in Est’s ears. William had exhibited a masterclass in restraint. Not that anyone appreciated it then or ever will. But now…
Now, the heat of Est’s hands seared through his soaked shirt and wet skin. When they pulled away from each other, Est had an indiscernible expression on his face, but he was smiling in disbelief, smiling as if William had given him the world.
William could have lived in that moment forever.
[The moment does not last for long. Est’s eyes dart behind them, and William turns to see their friends looking back at them, jaws slack, frozen. The reality of what he has done hits him all at once. But when he looks back at Est, wondering if he would push him away like he had done all those months ago, when their lives were filled with so much uncertainty, Est smiles, pulls him closer and lets out a laugh. It is delirious, infectious, and William cannot help but mirror.]
~~~
It is the start of something they never would have envisioned. Precarious, teetering on a cliff’s edge. Both of them willing to take the jump. Both of them holding back unsure if the other would follow.
~~~
They had spent the rest of the night together, holding each other, splashing water, and exchanging a few more kisses when they were sure no one else could see. But William had two work events the next day, and Est had wanted to spend more time with his friends.
Just like that, they'd parted.
The moment played on loop in William’s mind long after, a recurring phantom of a memory hell-bent on haunting him to the point of insanity, leaving behind nothing but regrets.
[The questions, the doubts, come racing to his mind when he least wants them; they plague him at every turn. Why had he left early? Why did Est let him leave? Had he missed his chance for something more, even if it was only for one night? Would he get that chance again, or had every thread slipped away from him entirely?]
The doubts and fears were only exacerbated when William, bone tired after a day at work with LYKN, had collapsed on his bed, still in his performance outfit and had opened his phone. Almost immediately, he was bombarded with clips of Est from the night before. Clips of Est after William had left him.
William hadn’t meant to get upset. Really. He hadn’t. He understood that Est had lived almost twenty-four years on this earth perfectly fine without William in his life. He knew it was entirely irrational on his part. But he couldn’t help it, he felt betrayed.
He watched as Est grinned, thoroughly drunk, chewing on a wad of gum with such careless abandon. Outer-shirt discarded, dangerously soaked, moving his hips in a way that would turn a saint into a sinner.
There was a strange sort of beckoning, a distant welcome. William’s own personal brand of death by lethal seduction.
Except it wasn’t Williams’s, not really.
He kept scrolling, watching again and again how Est smiled and moved with everyone but him. It was its kind of masochism, intentionally letting himself scroll, dooming himself to an endless purgatory as he watched every clip of Est there was available on the internet.
Est was having the time of his life. And he was doing it all without William there.
No one tells you about the pain that comes when you realise you meant less to someone than they meant to you. It is an excruciating heartbreak, tiny cracks emerging from things you had once thought to be unbreakable, slow enough to deny, deep enough to resent.
Even now, the second night of Songkran, Est was getting ready to go out celebrating with his other friends. All the while he hadn't even bothered to contact him.
And William could not help it. The tendrils of jealousy curled in his chest, unwanted and unutterable. It choked at any goodness that was left in him.
William didn’t have any special claim to Est. How stupid was he to think that he ever did? Even more stupid to feel upset about it all.
He was about to fling his phone across his room when a notification pinged.
He immediately shot up. It was a text from Est.
Est: Hope work was okay today! Cant wait to see you tomorrow night rest well okay? xx
William checked the time. It was 6 pm, which meant Est was probably with his friends already, ready to head out for the night.
William should have been happy that, through it all, Est had thought to check in on him, even if it was an afterthought. On any other day, he would have been over the moon. But today, William was too filled with bitterness to see past himself.
What he did was petty at best. Downright vengeful at worst. But the ache in his chest would not go away, and the only thing left for him to do was to lash out.
William: Was thinking of going out with Nut and Hong instead, maybe some other time?
William did not wait for a response; he put Est’s messages into his archive folder and turned off his phone. He couldn’t look at them.
Couldn’t bear the anticipation of a response. Could not bear the weight of his own actions. He knew Est like he knew the lyrics to his old favourite songs. Est, for all his bravado, had a gentle, breakable heart. He was going to be hurt by the message. Hurt beyond reason. He was going to overthink and draw the most terrible of conclusions.
William had thought that he would feel pride, or at the very least a sense of satisfaction for proving to himself, and to Est, that he was perfectly fine without him. Instead, he felt a hollowness in his chest that was quickly welling up with shame.
He had hurt Est.
And the worst part was that William had done it all for nothing.
Vengeance, it seemed, was no cure for a slow-breaking heart.
~~~
By the third day of Songkran, there were two things on Est Supha’s mind, and they all had to do with one person.
William.
Of course, it had to be William.
Whether his mind oscillated between the kiss or the message from last night, it all came back to William Jakrapatr. He did not dare dwell in the silence in between.
[If he was being honest, it was not like his mind had ever escaped the remembrance of him. He was always there, behind every thought, every decision; a holy ghost, haunting his very consciousness. But he did not have to be honest. Least of all now, when honesty was a knife to the throat.]
Est had been looking forward to this night. They had planned this together. Planned it for weeks. The anticipation of it had made everything else, the exhaustion, the thankless hours, and the loneliness, worth it.
Spending some more time with William outside their scheduled work, being in his orbit always put Est’s mind at ease. He needed it more than he needed the air or even water. But it seemed that William was drifting away, slipping through his fingers no matter how hard Est was trying to hold on for both of them, no matter how many times he had promised he wouldn’t be weak anymore.
[And that was the worst, most shameful part of it all. He could do all he liked, build himself up higher than the rest, but he could never be strong enough.]
If it had been any other time, any other moment, Est would’ve gone running to him as he’d done many times before. They had broken through each other’s walls. They had stood together hand in hand against a world that had wanted to tear them down. This should have been nothing in comparison.
But William hadn’t answered his calls since last night. He hadn’t replied to his texts.
Est wanted to assume he had been asleep. After all, his schedule was packed to the brim, handling both his acting and music gigs. He must be exhausted. It made total sense. Or at least, that line of thinking was an easier thing to swallow than the alternative. That his love for William was too much. That he was too much. That William now realised that he wanted nothing to do with him. That perhaps William even hated him.
The thought was ridiculous, but it was the only other logical conclusion he could come to. What else was he supposed to think when William was kissing him senseless one night and ghosting him the next?
[And how happy he had been in that moment, how ecstatic, thinking his feelings had been reciprocated. It seemed, however, in the end, he would always play the role of the fool. It was as if the universe had written the part especially for him.]
Besides, if there was one thing Est had complete and total faith it was the fact that, as careless and as young as he was, William was not cruel. It wasn’t even that he had deified him in his mind or had absolved him of all fault. He knew William. He knew the way his mind worked. He knew him better than himself. William was not doing this to be malicious.
Est must have fucked up somehow. He just wasn’t sure what he had done.
The lights festival pulsed above,, the Songkran festival was in full swing, water being thrown in all directions, the music deafening if you paid it too much attention. All the while, Est continued to ponder the conundrum that was William Jakrapatr. He continued to stare at his phone as if it could answer all his questions. And maybe it would, eventually. So Est waited. Hoping for a sign. Anything. But nothing came through. All he could see was a blank screen and his wallpaper - his dog PB - staring back at him. If it had been up to him, he might have spent the whole night like this. Unfortunately- or perhaps fortunately- the night had other plans for him.
“Dude, you need to stop checking your phone,” Daou said, sidling up to him, drinks in hand with an all-knowing smile on his face.
Est sighed. He really should listen to Daou, but he couldn’t help it. He continued to stare at his screen.
“Or…” continued Daou, nudging his arm playfully. “Are you still thinking about the kiss?”
Usually, Est would have brushed him off, denied it ever happened with a smile that indicated otherwise, but tonight he didn’t have it in him. The ordeal, this thing with William, had him weary to the bone and the spirit beneath it.
“Did P’Tose tell you about it?” he asked.
Daou frowned at him, seemingly surprised at Est’s rather blunt response. Est supposed it must look strange to him. He had always been stoic, if a little coy and cynical about matters of the heart. A beloved tribute to the classic anti-romantic. It was what he was known for, and he had once revelled in the role.
Daou did not answer him straight away. His eyes met Est’s with the look of a sceptic. As if he couldn’t believe what was before his eyes.
“ Everyone’s been talking about it,” Daou said carefully, deliberately, as if he was trying to measure Est’s response. As if Est was something fragile. God, he must look so pathetic right now, pining after someone who probably wanted nothing to do with him. “There were like, at least four witnesses,” Daou’s eyes did not leave Est's. “Seriously, what’s the deal with you two?”
Est did not know how to answer that. The uncertainty of this very question had struck the core of his entire universe and had tilted it on its very axis. All he had ever wanted to do was to remain by William’s side for as long as he could. But now he wasn’t sure he was going to even do that.
But above all that, he had only one concern.
“Do you think William’s okay?”
Because if William was fine, he could eventually learn to be too.
Daou gave him a look that could only be described as incredulous.
“He’s fine. Seriously, Est, he’s not a baby anymore.” He sighed. “Question is, are you okay? Maybe you’ve had too much to drink.”
“I’m sober.” But that sounded terribly unconvincing even in his own ears.
As if to prove a point, Est put his phone back in his pocket and turned to Daou, taking the other drink from his hand.
He considered his words as he took a sip of whatever unholy alcoholic concoction his friend had found. As much as it hurt to admit Daou was right. William was not a baby anymore, and yet he was still so young . Est remembered what it was like being twenty years old. He had been half fire, half dreams and oh-so naive.
Suddenly, the four years between them feel like an eternity, and it hit Est like a ton of bricks.
William had a whole life ahead of him, so much more left to experience. Tying himself to Est in any capacity would only serve to cage him. And maybe William had realised that yesterday when he had sobered up. And maybe the best thing for him to do was to let William go.
And he would do it, let him go if that’s what he truly wanted.
Est would break his own heart, break every promise he made to William, he would do it a thousand times over if it meant he could watch him fly as he was meant to.
~~~
When William arrived at X festival with Nut and Hong on the third night of Songkran, the first thing he noticed was how the music pulsed through his veins - the rhythm unholy, enticing, luring him to the depths of something unknown and terrible. He was not a stranger to this, he was, after all, a musician first and foremost. But this was no clinical observation, it was the first time he had felt like it could sway him from his bearings and unmoor him entirely.
He readjusted his cap and drew closer to Nut and Hong’s side. He did not miss the way they exchanged worried glances when they thought he wasn’t looking. They had been surprised, to say the least, when William had called them earlier that day to tell them he was joining them instead of Est. They had said nothing about it to him then, but now it seemed that William had to brace himself for an interrogation.
They had only just entered the premises of the festival when Nut turned to William. The look in his eyes could have burned through a wall of iron. William tried to avoid his gaze to no avail.
“Did you get into a fight with Est?” Nut asked.
William looked up at Hong, but the other man had his arms folded against his chest. Their stance reminded him of the way his parents would scold him. William felt himself beginning to crumble under the weight of their gaze.
He glared at them both. “We’re fine. Completely fine.”
“You told us you had plans with him,” started Hong. “What happened?”
“Can’t I hang out with you guys instead?”
Nut and Hong exchanged a look. “I mean, of course but-”
William didn’t let Nut finish. “Great, then, let’s go.”
If they made any protest, William did not hear it, nor did he turn back to see if they followed. He had come here because he had not wanted to think of Est, and he was intent on keeping it that way. He didn’t care what he had to do to forget him, even if it would only be for one night.
[One night. He would have been happy if he had been his for just one night.]
~~~
He lets the rhythm get to him. He lets it drive him into what could only be called a hedonistic bender.
He abandons all sense of apprehension, draws himself into the neon lights, the water splashing against his burning skin, the alcohol running through his veins and the music…God, the music. He feels it all like a sharp injection of something illicit in his veins, it is in his lungs in every movement he makes. He does not know if this is a sin. It might be. Though… it feels an awful like it should be a blessing.
Yet the gaping hole in his chest won’t go away. He drinks and dances and laughs. He is the brightest thing there. A guiding light for all to see. But it’s too sharp, too bright, too cruel. And who could blame him? He is empty of everything that had once made him smile.
So he finds himself again traipsing through his old haunts, losing himself to familiar patterns and bad habits.
~~~
William ended up doing the one thing he swore he wouldn’t do. He called Est.
~~~
The most terrible part of it all? Est actually picked up.
~~~
“William?” his voice came through the speaker almost immediately.
If William had been even a little more drunk, he might have missed the desperate longing in his voice. It was nice knowing that even now, only he was able to bring that out of him. It might just be the most beautiful thing William had heard all day.
He could have wept.
He almost did.
“P'Est” At the mere utterance of his name, William found he could not keep pretending; he felt the tears prickle in his eyes, and he practically choked out the next few words. “P’Est, I’m so sorry.”
[It wasn’t enough, there were no words in any language on the whole earth that could describe the depth of what he felt, the shame, the desperation, the painful longing. He was a creature unravelled, eviscerated, ready to give up his bleeding, still-beating heart; he just wasn’t sure how to do it.]
“Sorry?” Est echoed, he sounded genuinely surprised at the word. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
There was no accusation in his tone, and that made it all the more terrible. Because that meant even though William had hurt him, deliberately so, Est did not see it that way. He could not. He refused to. Truth be told, he was giving William far more grace than he deserved.
“We had plans today…together and I…” How could he explain the roiling storm in his chest? He had no words for it. “I was so stupid…I thought that you didn’t care, didn’t need me…”
He stopped talking. He didn’t know what else to say. There was silence on the other end of the line, and William wondered for a moment if he’d messed the situation up even more than he already had. Then he heard a sigh. It sounded halfway between relief and exasperation. It was an all too familiar sound, and something in it made William halt every train of thought he’d ever had.
“William,” Est’s voice was soft when he spoke. “Are you drunk?”
Was he? William wasn’t sure; he’d had a bit to drink, certainly, so maybe he was a little tipsy. But that was irrelevant to the point entirely. Why couldn’t Est see that?
“I didn’t drink anything.” He lied.
“I’ve told you before you need to limit yourself whenever you’re out.” Est said, adopting what William called his ‘dad-tone’.
It was something he used whenever he felt the need to scold William, which wasn’t often, but when it happened it was usually warranted. Normally, William would smile sheepishly and acquiesce to whatever Est said. But today, he felt a flare of anger rise in him.
“Not like you’re here anyway, why bother telling me now?”
There was a pause. And in the silence, every high he had been chasing fell away, every self-inflicted laceration started to bleed, and all at once William felt the pain. The neon lights were too bright. The music too loud. The alcohol debilitating. The water soaking his skin and clothes - too cold, sending chills that seemed to pierce every marrow and sinew in his body. Once again, William felt like crying. Or maybe he already was; he couldn’t tell. All he knew was that he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Phi, I want to go home.” The confession escaped him like a broken plea before he even had time to think about it. And if that wasn’t already bad enough, he added. “I miss you…I miss you so much.”
Est’s response this time was immediate. “Where are you?”
William frowned. He could have sworn he knew where he was, but the name was slipping his mind.
“Uhhh…” he answered with as much grace as he could muster, which admittedly wasn’t a lot.
“Do you think you can send me your location?”
“Yeah,” It should be simple enough. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Okay, good. Now stay with Nut and Hong, don’t wander off. Don’t go anywhere, I’m coming to take you home, okay?”
“Okay.”
A moment’s silence.
“Hey William?”
“Yeah?"
“I missed you too.”
[There is something to be said about how one small thing, a few words, a moment in time, can send you spiralling into a state of delirium. There is a high chance that the end could be fatal, that you will be crushed, falling from the height of all the expectations you had built. But in the moment you are soaring and that makes it worthwhile.]
The call ended, and William barely registered their goodbyes. All he knew was that Est was coming; he wasn’t going to leave him. He was coming and-
Oh God. William was drunk.
Really, truly brutally shitfaced, pissed to the high-heavens kind of drunk. If the hangover tomorrow morning and the possible alcohol poisoning wasn’t going to kill him, Est most certainly will.
He needed to sober up. He needed to do it quickly. He needed-
Coffee.
~~~
It had been a grand total of two minutes since their call ended, two whole minutes of feeling nothing but sheer elation. In the end, William’s voice and his words had been all the confirmation he needed. All the proof that William didn’t completely hate him, that he still needed him by his side, as much Est needed him. Perhaps he had been a fool all along for thinking otherwise.
Yet as each moment passed, the anxiety started to trickle in. Dark streaks seeping in at a slow yet sure pace, littering his newfound happiness, marring its visage.
Because William still hadn’t sent through his location.
Logically, Est knew he should probably wait a little longer, he knew he wasn’t being entirely reasonable. After all, William was the drunkest he had ever been, if his slurred speech was any indication. He was most likely still fumbling around on his phone trying to navigate the damn thing.
But Est wasn’t a particularly patient person at the best of times, much to the annoyance of his more laid-back friends. He had gotten better in the last few months, a lot of that had to do with the fact that he got used to William running at least fifteen minutes late on most days. But it hadn’t gone away entirely, and it only got worse when William’s well-being was on the line.
[Right now, he had become a ticking time bomb, the blood in his veins slowly turning to pitch. He was volatile. He could usually tamp it down, preventing himself from going up in flames over the smallest sparks. But this was no spark, it was a wildfire. He would be damned lucky if he made it out intact.]
Est decided it was best to give in to his more base instincts early before he self-imploded. He took out his phone again.
“It’s barely been two minutes,” Daou - the unwilling witness to the entire call with William - was looking at him with what seemed like almost genuine annoyance. “Are you seriously calling him again?”
“He’s drunk, he hasn’t sent his location,” Est said by way of explanation, not taking his eyes off the screen. “And I’m not calling him . I’m calling Nut.”
Nut was the oldest member of LYKN and William’s closest friend. William often spoke about how he was one of the few people with whom he could truly be himself. In the early days, Est had felt a pang of jealousy every time William would bring him up in conversation, every time he would see them interact with each other. Est liked Nut; he felt like they had truly bonded during the filming of ThamePo, but he often felt like he could not compare. Nut and William had years together. Est and William had far less than that. But as of now, he was probably Est’s safest bet if he wanted to find William.
“Anyone ever told you how possessive you are of that kid?” Daou muttered.
Est pulled up short. Possessive? He looked up, frowning.
“I’m not possessive.” He said coolly. When Daou raised an eyebrow, Est let out a sigh of exasperation. “I’m just…worried about him.”
“Est. You wouldn’t let P’Tose hug him. You know your friend P’Tose.”
Fine, maybe Est was a little possessive. Who could blame him?
Everyone wanted to be in William’s orbit, and not everyone deserved it. Est wasn't even sure if he himself really deserved to be in William’s life. But he didn’t need to admit that to Daou of all people. Least of all now, when he had more pressing matters to attend to.
He looked back at his screen, Nut’s contact photo staring up at him. Est felt his stomach knot itself into an untangleable mess. Est didn't know what he would do if he didn't pick up. Call William’s mother and ask her to check her Life360 app? Scour the whole of Bangkok until he found him, maybe? It wouldn’t be the first time.
~~~
He was lucky the universe had decided to answer his prayers for once. He decided to count his blessings while they lasted, who knew when they would come his way again.
~~~
The call connected after two rings. A total of seven seconds, but to Est, it felt like seven lifetimes. Nut barely had time to breathe on the other end of the line before the interrogation started.
“Where are you?” Est demanded.
“No, ‘Hi Nut, how are you? Are you having fun?’ I see how it is,” Nut quipped. “It’s about William, isn’t it?”
He sounded mostly sober if his witty remarks were anything to go by. Of course, that could change over the course of the night. But as of now, Est was glad he caught him when he did. He almost breathed a sigh of relief. Almost. The tone in Nut’s voice, however, sounded resigned. Est did not need to question it. William was a handful on his more sedated days. Est could only imagine what he had managed to put Nut and Hong through while drunk.
“I’m taking him home,” Est answered. “He was supposed to send his location through right now, but he may have forgotten. Can you just tell me where you are now? I figured that might be easier.”
“Ah yeah, no problem, we’re at X festival,” Nut paused. “You know where that is, right?”
“I’ll find it.”
That was all the information Est really needed. He was ready to cut the call then and there and start making his way to William, by foot if need be, but it seemed Nut wasn’t done yet.
“Uhh, so I think William went to get coffee…he said something about sobering up and you scolding him.” Nut took in a deep breath. “Did you guys fight or something?”
“He’s getting coffee while he’s drunk?” Est was going to kill him when he finally sobered up tomorrow. “Is he out of his mind?”
“You didn’t answer my question Phi.”
Est considered it for a moment. If anyone else deserved an explanation, it was probably Nut. But it wasn’t like he knew the answer himself. He didn't have the heart to come up with a lie. So, as it had once been with Daou, he found great pleasure in asserting his autonomy. It was truly a glorious thing. Not having to answer just because he was asked.
“Hey, is that P’Est?” A familiar voice came through the speaker. It took Est a moment to place it, but when he did, he found himself rolling his eyes.
“Hello Hong,”
“You better be treating my brother right or I’ll kill you.” Hong practically shouted in his ear, he sounded almost as drunk as William. “I raised him for two years. All by myself. I’m basically his mother.”
Est let out a small laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. But there was also a certain warmth blooming in his chest, knowing that William was loved and protected, knowing that he had other people in his corner if the day ever came that Est needed to leave him. Besides, it wasn’t like Hong was going to kill him anyway. At least he hoped not.
Est's mind was already racing to form a plan of action.
“I’ll be there in 20 minutes,” he told them before hanging up.
Daou sighed beside him. “You’re so fucking whipped man.”
Est did not hear him. Not really.
Because at that very moment, his phone pinged again. He looked down. William had sent his location through. It was entirely unnecessary now that he had gotten it from Nut, but there was still a certain loveliness to the fact that it had come anyway.
[And there it is again, the state of delirium, the free fall - now mirrored. And maybe this time the fall will not be fatal. Maybe this time the reality is you aren’t falling at all.]
~~~
While the coffee had made William’s head clearer, it wasn’t the miracle cure-all he had hoped for.
He still felt sluggish, like he was wading through quicksand; his mind felt like it came to logical conclusions three times slower than usual. He held the coffee cup in his hand, the last dregs of it now undrinkable, ruined by water from the festival. But it gave him something to do. He had been participating in the festival half-heartedly now, exhausted, wet and cold to the bone. A stark contrast to the wild, bright, cornered thing he had been only a few minutes before. He hadn’t known how much of the night had taken out of him until now.
Hadn’t realised how much of himself he had willingly burned away in his folly.
Not that it mattered now. Est was going to be here soon, and as long as he was by his side, everything was going to be okay.
His eyes routinely scanned the crowd for any sign of him. William knew he looked a little desperate and pathetic. He knew Nut and Hong were going to tease him ruthlessly come morning. But he truly couldn’t help it.
It was as if there was a string attached to his chest pulling him towards Est. Oftentimes, when Est wasn’t there, the thread between them felt taut, and the pull would be painful, as it was now. He tried to occupy himself by doing whatever he could, which was either nodding his head along to the music or adjusting and readjusting his cap, pushing his hair, now slick with water, back away from his forehead. It did nothing to distract from the ache and soon it would become unbearable.
[The wait is often more excruciating when it comes to the things you want most in the world. The torture is in the absence, and salvation is rarely ever guaranteed. The universe hardly has the time to conspire to your needs. But you wait nonetheless, you tether yourself to the longing because it can’t be all for nothing.]
“Hey! Isn’t that Est?” asked Nut, nudging William while pointing him towards the direction of the entrance.
William spun around, his gaze following the direction that Nut was pointing him in. It did not take long for William to spot him. It never did.. After all he was the eye of his storm, the centre of his eclipse. William would recognise him even if his eyes were torn out.
Est was dressed in a white tank top, his dark outer shirt hanging from his neck, showing off his broad shoulders. His features were obscured by a black cap, and he was still wet. He looked so beautiful. He had always been beautiful. But he looked especially so now. Radiant, yet soft like the last ray of sun before the night.
William had missed him so much. Too much for one person to bear alone.
And when Est’s eyes met Williams's, only a few seconds later, everything else fell away in an instant. The music faded. The people blurred into each other. Nothing remained in William’s line of sight, nothing, except Est Supha.
William wished he had the words to describe the look on his face. Wished he could memorise the way Est’s lips broke out into a wide grin, the way his eyes seemed to glitter, not from the lights around them, but with something far more incorporeal.
William couldn’t help it. He ran towards him, stumbling as he went, coffee cup still in hand.
[They were a fated collision, a thing so starbound it could not be rewritten no matter how hard either of them tried. There is comfort in the inevitability that no matter what happened, no matter where their paths led them, they still had this to come back to.]
What happened next could only be described as a crash landing. A controlled violence. A release.
William practically barreled into Est, wrapping his arms around him, grasping at whatever skin he could find, pulling him in with such ferocity that it would no doubt leave bruises come morning.
He buried himself in the other man, breathing in his scent, soaking in the warmth of his body, not caring for the dampness of his clothes, not caring for how it looked to everyone around them.
He held him close. Tighter than he usually would. But he had lost him once already, he was never going to let that happen again.
Est stilled at the contact, William could feel the way his muscles tensed, the way he drew in a sharp breath. He could hear the beating of his heart, rapid, irregular, jagged like the edge of a particularly sharp knife.
Fear threatened to strike the centre of the euphoria William had coursed through him, but before it could truly rear its ugly head, Est’s entire posture shifted. He snaked his arms around William, pulling him closer before practically melting into him, filling every nook and crevice of William’s body.
[His missing puzzle piece.]
Est buried his face into the crook of his neck. William couldn’t help it; the alcohol, the delirium, the sheer sense of relief, more than anything else, got to him. It welled up in his chest all at once, and unable to be contained in the realm of emotion, William threw his head back and laughed. It was not one of those pretty, manufactured ones with the almost musical lilt to them, composed entirely for an audience. It was far too loud, a little misshapen, slightly discordant, but it was genuine, resonating from his very ribs.
It had been a long time since he had felt like he was allowed to laugh like that.
And the best part of it all? Est only held him tighter through it all, a tribute to the promise he had made a while ago. That he was never going to leave.
“You shouldn’t be having coffee after drinking so much,” he said quietly in William’s ear, still holding him when the laughter died.
All he could do was smile. It didn’t matter that Est was scolding him, only that he was here with him. For him.
“I’m so happy,” William told him, just in case Est hadn’t realised.
“Yeah?” Est’s voice was soft and uncertain. “Me too.”
They didn’t let go of each other now. Not entirely. Even when their friends arrived to join them, William still had his arm around Est’s shoulders, and Est had his arm around William’s waist. Both of them were leaning on each other for support, not that they needed it.
Daou, who must have arrived with Est, had his phone out, and he was grinning from ear to ear. He’d likely been recording for a while, but it was only now that William realised he had been calling out to them.
“Est, William, come on, look over here,” and when he managed to get their attention. “Just kiss already. We all know you want to."
Of course, William wanted to. He really did.
But that was the thing, wasn’t it?
A kiss was how this whole mess even began. Est turned back to him. There was an impossible tenderness in his eyes when he looked at him. Impossible not because Est wasn’t capable of it, but because William did not know what to do with it.
“Are you okay?” Est asked. “Do you want to go anywhere else?”
“Stay for a bit, then we go?” William suggested.
“Sure.”
Daou had moved on to singing whatever song was currently playing on the speakers, still recording them on his phone. All the while, Nut and Hong were talking amongst themselves again. For the first time that day, William felt like he could finally relax, finally let go of all the fears and disappointments he had let suffocate him for the last two days.
They became inconsequential.
Suddenly, Est pulled him in again, pressing lips against William’s cheeks. The shock made him almost miss the way his tongue peeked out, dragging until it reached his earlobe, before he bit down. To anyone looking on, it was a playful nip, born from drunkenness, but to William, it felt as if everything he had ever believed in, even his wildest dreams, had solidified, gaining form in his reality.
William’s first reaction was to laugh and pull Est in. But his breathing became short, his cheeks were burning, and he could still feel where Est had been. It was like he had left a mark, some strange invisible indentation that he doubted would fade with time. He looked to Est for some sort of explanation.
A ll he found was a smile.
Daou let out a yelp, stopping his singing, having only just registered what had happened.
“ Someone’s in love”, cooed Nut in response.
“Are you two dating?” Came Hong’s voice.
William didn't respond, at least not in words. He didn’t have a real answer, just a feeling, an inkling of some stupid hopeful possibility, a kiss shared two nights ago and a playful bite that meant more than it seemed. He pulled Hong in with his other arm, while Est let out a single word.
“What?’
He said it as casually as ever, feigning innocence. He even looked the part, eyes wide, eyebrows furrowed.
Daou pocketed his phone. “Fine, we get it. Honestly, fuck you both.”
~~~
The ride back to William’s home had been laden with silence; it had hung heavy between them, but strangely, there had been no discomfort. The effect of the coffee William had purchased had long worn off, and he had been half-asleep beside Est, who felt like he'd somehow conquered the world.
There was a beauty in the liminal, in the long stretches of seemingly nothing. The city lights had passed them by, reflected in the small pools of water, remnants of the late summer rains, their own small aurora borealis.
Est could not have been happier, but he knew first-hand just how fragile happiness could be.
~~~
By the time they stumbled back to William’s condo at some ungodly hour, William half-hoisted on his shoulders, the rest of the house seemed to be fast asleep. Est maneuvered them as quietly as possible. He didn’t think it would bode well for either of them if William’s parents found out their son had drunken himself to a near stupor.
Of course, Est was willing to take on most of the blame. He was, after all, the older, more responsible one. He should have been looking after William. He had promised them he would. He had failed even that.
As they made their way to William’s room, Est relived the memories of the night, their reunion, their conversations, the playful kiss and bite he had inflicted out of sheer joy and to quiet Daou’s teasing. William hadn’t pulled away from him then, in fact, he had pulled him in closer, but he briefly wondered if they were going to blame it all on the alcohol tomorrow or not speak of it at all like they did last time.
He hoped this time would be different. He would make sure it was.
Est opened the door to William’s room and entered.
It was still half in the throes of his teenage years, messy with posters of celebrities, little knick-knacks here and there. But the other half was something else entirely. For there was also a collection of expensive guitars hanging on his wall, contracts from various brands on his desk.
A few of the books Est recommended he read in his lifetime were on his nightstand. One of them, the Thai translation of Frankenstein, was bookmarked at the halfway point.
Est proceeded to prop William up on his bed. The other man groaned and sprawled out. His clothes, the pinstriped black and grey shirt and his trousers, were still wet, they needed to be changed lest he catch a cold in the middle of the night, but he was clearly in no state to look after himself. Est decided then and there to enact a rare act of mercy; he was not going to give William an earful come morning.
The hangover was going to be terrible enough without him having to contribute.
He leaned forward and took the cap off William’s head. Somehow, they had exchanged caps during the night. He considered for a moment switching them back again, but decided against it. The selfish part of him wanted to keep a piece of William with him for as long as the night would let him. He placed the cap on William’s bedside table.
“Willy,” he whispered, pushing a lock of hair aside from William’s face. William’s eyes fluttered open at the contact, Est continued. “I’m gonna get your PJs. Can you change by yourself?”
“Yeah…” William croaked out. He didn’t sound convincing, but Est decided to trust him anyway. “My undies too, if that’s okay.”
There was something to be said about their familiarity, about the fact that Est didn’t find the request strange at all. He got to work sorting through William’s drawers until he found the items. He handed them to William before turning his back, both out of respect and because he needed to turn the heater on. When an ample amount of time had passed, Est turned back around only to see William, having changed, was now staring up at the ceiling, his blanket entirely untouched.
Est sighed, made his way towards William and proceeded to sit by his side and tuck him in. William didn’t seem to notice him at first, too focused on his thoughts or whatever had caught his eye on the ceiling above, but when he did, when he finally noticed Est, his expression became one of confusion.
He did not take his eyes off Est after that, watching his every move as if it could reveal the secrets of the universe.
If he was being honest, it was a little disconcerting.
“Why didn’t you say anything after?” William finally asked as Est brought the blanket up to William’s chin.
“What?”
“You don’t have to like me back,” continued William. “But you could have at least, you know, not pretended like it didn’t happen.”
It took a moment for Est to catch the meaning of his words.
[‘I miss you…I miss you so much’ William had said on the phone. ‘I thought that you didn’t care, didn’t need me…’]
Suddenly, the reality of the situation became clear to Est.
“I wasn’t trying to pretend,” Est assured. “ I thought you didn’t want me.”
There was silence. Est could practically see cogs in William’s head moving, taking in the new information. He knew William, knew the patterns of his mind like his own, he knew exactly how the last few days were being recontextualised for him.
Est decided then to move away from William at least physically.
Maybe he needed space to think about it clearly. It was what Est would have wanted. But as he was doing so, William grabbed him by the nape of his neck and pulled him back in. Their faces were much closer than they had been only moments before. He could feel the warmth emanating from the other man’s lips, now only a few centimetres from his own.
Est found himself looking back into those eyes. Soft and searching. All the adoration Est did not think he deserved.
“Don’t leave me again,” William told him firmly, the same eyes narrowing as if daring Est to challenge him.
But he could never do that.
“I told you before, didn't I?” Est said. “I’m not going anywhere”
William smiled. He wondered if anyone ever told how disarming that smile was.
That was the last thing Est registered before the other man closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against his own.
At first, Est did not move.
He did not dare to. Just as it had been when William had embraced him earlier, he feared that if he did anything, everything would slip away, and it all would have been some cruel dream. But then William’s hand slid up his neck and into his hair, and Est slowly found himself going back to what felt like an old rhythm. His hands cupped William’s face, thumb delicately brushing against his cheekbones.
William rose to the touch, deepening the kiss.
This was different from every other kiss they’d ever shared.. It was deliberate, meticulously placed. A ratification. A confirmation. An assurance.
Est might have lost himself in the moment, but when William’s other hand found its way under Est’s shirt, brushing against the bare skin of his hip bone, Est realised what they were doing and where exactly it was all heading. He jolted back, breaking away from the kiss, breathless, unable to truly gather his thoughts to any semblance of sanity.
And William, devil take him, had the nerve to look disappointed.
“You’re drunk,” Est reminded him, putting a hand on William’s chest, pushing him gently back on the bed.
“I’m not that drunk. I can consent.” William raised an eyebrow, his smile turned mischievous. “I give great head.”
Never mind, Est was definitely going to kill him in the morning.
“Your parents are here.” Est hissed. “Personally, I’m not keen on going at it while they can possibly hear us.”
William groaned. “God, you’re such a fucking buzzkill.”
But he loosened his grip on the nape of his neck nonetheless. Est wasn’t sure if it was because sleep was finally catching up to him or if he was finally listening to what Est had to say.
Est placed a kiss on his forehead. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, schedule in a stupid deep talk session, whatever, I don’t care,” William paused and looked back at Est again. His eyes brimming with something close to hope. “You promise?”
“Promise.”
~~~
Sometimes an ending isn’t apocalyptic. Sometimes it can be a gentle thing. A sunrise, not a sunset. A birth of something new, not the death of something old. A promise made, not broken.