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If he doesn't think about it, it's not true. If he just doesn't look at his reflection, he doesn't have to face it. N is so good at ignoring his problems, what's one more?
Okay. It's fine.
(How has he never noticed? Why now, when he's finally happy?)
It's fine.
Uzi's having a bad day with the whole zombie drone thing. Okay. N can deal with this. He knows how to deal with this. He can distract her and she'll forget all about her bad feelings. N ignores the sick feeling in his metaphorical stomach and cracks some jokes.
Distraction isn't working. She's acting off. Oh god, what does he do?? Distraction always works! It's fine. It's fine. Let's try this again.
Crack jokes, hold her hands, remind her that he loves her. Okay. It's fine. He can do this.
People keep staring at him. It's been months. N hides him and Uzi away from prying eyes and pretends it's for her sake and not his own. He holds her and pretends he doesn't keep noticing the height difference and he's never minded before why now.
God, he just wants to help his girlfriend.
Uzi's concerned about him but he just laughs it off.
(He remembers seeing a human cry once and wonders what that would be like)
Some days, the only thing that can get Uzi out of her self-hate spiral is a reminder of N's own... features. N really really hopes that this is not one of those days. He doesn't think he could handle it.
He cracks jokes, holds her, and brings her out of the shelter to go on a walk. Distract, distract, distract. He kisses her and he has to bend down and then she pulls away because she's not feeling it. The height difference is driving him crazy. Breathe, breathe, it's okay. He's fine. His tail is speeding up behind him and he kind of wants to tear it off. He doesn't.
Uzi keeps looking at him. N tamps down the sudden urge to tear her head off her body. He loves her. It's fine. He's okay.
N pretends everything is okay because if he doesn't he'll do something that'll prove everyone who doubted his civility right. The people who look at him like he'll snap at any moment will be proven right. He won't. He's fine. He handled everything before this, he can handle this too.
Nothing's wrong.
(He looks into Uzi's yellow-and-purple eyes and doesn't see himself)
N moves on. It's what he's best at.
(Uzi, a few days later, looks at his lashing tail and asks, genuinely, if he's okay. He wants to vomit.)
A few days later, he goes on a flight with Uzi. It feels great. (He hates it. He hates flying. He loves Uzi, though, so he loves it just for her.)
Uzi offhandedly asks about something she saw while in N's memory and it takes everything in N's power not to show how much he wants to impale her in that moment. It's fine. He can handle this. He gives a somewhat-jokey response and doesn't give it any thought. (He can't give it any thought)
It's fine. It's okay. He's happy now.
(He gets so close to cutting off his own tail one night but he thinks of Uzi and her tail and doesn't do it. He keeps his wings folded up every moment he doesn't need them. He hasn't taken out his claws in weeks.)
(He doesn't sleep in the compound and he doesn't have a mirror in his room.)
(Was it really necessary to make him taller?)
N helps Uzi through her bad days and her good days and her just kind of neutral days. He pretends all his days are good days. He's happy.
(He bites his tongue to stop himself from saying "I hate mine too" when Uzi says she hates her tail)
He deals.