Chapter Text
If the Dead Feel No Emotion, Then Why Do I Feel Everything?
The sky sobbed, its teardrops a beautiful azure, contrasting sharpy against the gloomy atmosphere. Despite the subtly of the gentle tears, the emotion was impactful. Sorrow had cast its dreary shadow over the surrounding area quieting birds and insects alike. Their unusual silence a song of melancholy and mourning. The only discernible noise was the soft tapping of the rain and the dancing of the wind. It was the outskirts of the city, a park that usually at this time would be semi-populated but was now completely barren. Most civilians were snuggled up in their homes, escaping the miserable chill that hung in the air. All except a certain individual who was positioned on a bench, eyes staring blankly ahead, fixed on nothing in particular.
The individual in question did not have an umbrella nor did he have the appropriate clothes for the situation. Despite the cold he wore a simple suit with no coat, showing no reaction even as the rain pelted down from the sky with a growing intensity.
This was because in his mind… he deserved it.
Chuuya wasn’t one to wallow in grief. Because something unhuman like him can’t grieve. He could do nothing for those who had already departed from the realm of living. The only thing he can do is keep moving forward and keep the people currently in his life safe no matter what. However, horrible guilt often found a way to worm itself into his brain, inhabiting it and making his thoughts unbearable. Even with his extraordinarily powerful ability he couldn’t even save those he cared about. His only use was to help them and yet he failed…
He tried to believe that he was human, he really did, but life was making it quite difficult.
Dazai believed he was no longer human while Chuuya might never had been human to begin with.
Another parallel to his partner, as much as he hated to admit.
Normally Chuuya wasn’t so existential but on certain days he couldn’t quite quell his intrusive thoughts, instead letting them run rampant. Especially on one specific day in particular…
The day the flags, his friends, died. No, that would be disrespectful to their suffering. They hadn’t as much as died as they had been brutally murdered. And it was his fault. Verlaine may had been the one to bring their lives to an end, but it wouldn’t had happened if Chuuya had not existed.
Chuuya dug his nails in the fabric of the couch he was sitting on. He was suddenly overcome with an array of emotions. Greif, fear, sadness, longing, rage. A soft noise escaped him, but he quickly silenced himself, even though he was completely alone in his apartment, he hated displaying any signs of weakness. Instead, he closed his eyes, trying and failing to keep memories at bay.
He still remembered when the very human light faded from Albatross’s eyes as he died. It wasn’t fair that he someone who wasn’t human survived when they didn’t.
Chuuya hardly registered that he left his apartment. He just needed to move. Rain pricked his skin like needles, but he didn’t notice as he was completely trapped in the prison that was his brain.
Eventually after wandering aimlessly, he settled on a bench, underneath a Weeping Willow. A rather fitting tree for the situation, but Chuuya wasn’t in the right mind to appreciate the irony. Still completely wrapped up in his thoughts, he sat beneath the fading stars.
The remaining light began to fade, the sun long gone and the moon disappearing almost completely behind the ever-multiplying clouds. The sky began to cry with more passion as if feeling the mafioso’s pain. The silence, however, was now broken with the growl of thunder. Thrashing as loudly as the man’s heart.
When the Gravity User pulled himself out of dissociation, he was just left feeling numb. Like he had exhausted all of his emotions. It took all his strength to rise to his feet and begin the long journey back home.
He had been walking for a few minutes. Making progress towards being back to his apartment but still in intense mental agony.
He was tired of being so strong. He was tired of moving on despite the never-ending cycle of pain. He was tired of losing people around him.
He just wanted it to stop.
He didn’t want to die but he wanted it to stop.
And maybe he had to die for it to stop.
Chuuya drew in a shaky breath. He was really starting to sound like stupid Dazai. But Chuuya wasn’t like Dazai, he couldn’t be like Dazai. Chuuya quickened his pace, nearly tripping over a pebble.
I have to live. I have to keep on going. I have to live. I have to survive. I have to live. I have to keep on going.
I can’t die.
Chuuya was now basically running, his heart speeding up, and his eyes pricking with tears unshed through countless hardships. He closed his eyes trying in vain to dispel the thoughts.
Chuuya felt his legs give out beneath him and he fell, so lost in his head that he did not activate his ability to stay upright. He hit the ground so hard that intense pain radiated through his ribcage. It turned out that he had not fallen on solid ground however, as he tumbled down into what appeared to be a ditch. He lay there for a moment, stunned. Had he, the greatest ability user in the mafia, just fallen into a ditch? Through his broken voice he let out a bitter, humorless laugh at the situation. He must look pathetic right now, covered in mud, tears in his eyes, broken and vulnerable.
He tried to get up but found he didn’t care anymore just couldn’t summon the energy. Instead, he lay on the ground watching as the moon passed in and out of the clouds and rain fell like miniscule diamonds from the unforgiving sky. His brain was fuzzy and heavy, but he didn’t care to drag his brain back into reality. However, right as he felt his body begin fade out of consciousness, he heard a dreaded voice.
“My my, Chibi, it seems you got yourself in some trouble!” exclaimed a certain bandage-having idiot.
Oh, just great. Chuuya had time to think before the switch turned off on his drained exhausted brain and he was greeted with a veil of darkness.