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Lee Donghae is the perfect man. He is caring, sweet, thoughtful, and communicative. He works a stable corporate job, he recently got a promotion but still makes a point of not working overtime if he can help it. He has a healthy obsession with going to the gym and gladly babysits for family and friends so that parents can have some alone time. He has professional and personal goals: he’d like to be head of his department by the time he’s 40 and he wants a beach house and a dog and at least one kid.
Donghae loves loving people. So when this one fit guy from the gym who’d only go on the treadmill suddenly switches to punching sandbags, he gets curious. They were on a nodding basis as regulars at the same gym, and sometimes Donghae had the chance to catch a cute gummy smile after an incredible finish. He never tried anything because Donghae hated creeps who tried to pick people up at the gym. But one Friday night, the sandbag took a pretty bad beating and he couldn’t help but notice the redness in the guy’s eyes.
“Tough week?” He asked innocently. The guy lifted his face to meet his eyes and smiled without conviction.
“Tough year.”
“This place has great boxing classes if you ever want to switch to hitting people.”
“Do you work here?”
Donghae chuckled, he probably sounded like a salesman. “A friend of mine runs the place, but I don’t work here.”
“You could’ve fooled me.” Donghae’s breath caught in his throat when the guy winked at him. “I’ll think about it then. I’m Hyukjae by the way.”
They shook hands and Donghae awkwardly introduced himself after a few seconds. “I’m Donghae.”
“Alright Donghae, I hope I’ll see you around.” Hyukjae undid his gloves with his teeth and Donghae held back a dreamy sigh.
Donghae loves loving people and Hyukjae seemed so easy to love.
Lee Donghae is the perfect man to date after crying yourself to sleep thinking you’re worthless and undeserving of love. Hyukjae likes Donghae’s stable job, he likes that his life goals include having a personal life, he likes that he likes Donghae’s friends. Above all, Hyukjae likes that Donghae is imperfect. Donghae is a sore loser, he hogs the blanket during the night and sleeps like a starfish, he is non-functional in the morning, he has a childlike smile and a melancholic look in his eyes.
“Please let me be his rebound sex when you guys break up.” Kyuhyun says, staring at Donghae's ass while he stands at the bar waiting for their drinks.
“What do you mean ‘when’?” Hyukjae asks incredulously.
“Kyuhyun’s just horny. His booty call has no time for him.” Ryeowook sips his bright orange cocktail.
“I blocked his number.” Kyuhyun grumbles. As if he’d ever.
“Sure.” Ryeowook pats his shoulder. “Donghae seems great, hyung.” That’s why Ryeowook is Hyukjae’s favourite.
“Too great.” Kyuhyun adds. “I bet he hates puppies.”
“He wants to adopt a dog once he has a house.” Hyukjae frowns at the unfounded accusation.
“He’s perfect, hyung.” Kyuhyun sighs in his beer.
“So how’s he?” Hyukjae asks fiddling with his fingers and not looking his friends in the eyes.
“You’re sure you want to ask that?” Ryeowook sounds like Hyukjae is asking for torture.
“Ask what?” Donghae repeats, sitting next to Hyukjae and putting a beer in front of him. He links their hands under the table. Hyukjae secretly likes Donghae’s clinginess.
“Just wanted to know about a mutual friend I haven’t seen in a while.” Hyukjae half-lies, squeezing Donghae’s hand.
“He’s doing okay, his work is picking up again so he finally found a place.” Ryeowook looks uncomfortable.
“He lived at his brother’s.” Kyuhyun explains.
“Good for him, what’s his line of work?” Donghae asks and it’s so genuine Hyukjae gulps half of his beer.
“He’s a singer, he got a job to sing every night at some fancy place.” Ryeowook smiles, wanting to end this conversation. “What about you? Hyukjae says you got a corporate job.”
Donghae answers shyly and humbly. Hyukjae likes that Donghae has time to meet his friends and to get to know them.
Hyukjae hates to disappoint people he cares about. After 6 months, he more than likes Donghae, he cares about him. So when Hyukjae’s boss calls him for a last minute gallery opening on a Thursday night, Hyukjae accepts without looking at his calendar. Thursday nights are uneventful, Donghae usually goes to the gym and stays at his own place, Kyuhyun is at his gaming club and Ryeowook works the night shift at the hospital. So he does not expect the red square on his calendar decorated with little hearts and Donghae's terrible scribble of “6 months”. Donghae asked him to keep his evening free to celebrate. Now, he has to either call his boss back to cancel and look extremely unprofessional as someone who didn’t check his previous engagements before agreeing or call Donghae and be a disappointment.
He is still sitting on the coach with his calendar opened on the same page when Donghae lets himself in the apartment.
“Hyuk, I got your favourite… hey, you’re ok there?” Donghae dumps the delivery bags on the kitchen table and kneels next to the coffee table, putting a hand on Hyukjae’s knee.
Hyukjae looks into Donghae’s eyes and he knows the man sitting on his knees before him is the sweetest person to ever walk in his life, he doesn’t want to disappoint him. But another thing Hyukjae likes about Donghae is that he’s forgiving.
“I double-booked our anniversary date and an opening at work.” Hyukjae whispers, putting his hand on Donghae’s.
“Oh.” Donghae lets out. He’s disappointed, and he should. He bites his lower lip in a nervous twitch. “It’s alright, we’ll go on our date on another day, I’ll call the restaurant.”
“I’m sorry, I…” Hyukjae is at a loss for words.
“Don’t worry, Hyukjae.” Donghae likes to call him cute names: Hyuk, Hyukie. “These things happen, just double check for next time.” He smiles, but his eyes are so sad.
“I don’t deserve you. “ Hyukjae kisses Donghae’s hand. Donghae blushes at the move and closes on Hyukjae, hands on his cheeks.
“You do.” He kisses him on the lips. Hyukjae deepens the kiss and Donghae falls over on the coach. The kiss is momentarily broken by their laughter and they make out until the food left forgotten on the table turns cold.
Hyukjae likes going on dates with Donghae. Donghae insists on picking him up, pretending he has not spent the last few days keeping Hyukjae’s bed warm while Hyukjae came back late from organizing the gallery opening. Both of them clean up nicely and Hyukjae cannot help but smile when Donghae rings at the door. Since Hyukjae shared his password lock with Donghae, the latter has not been shy of using it. Still, he goes to open the door. Donghae is standing in black slacks and a white button-up, he parted his wavy hair in the middle and he looks gorgeous.
“Hi beautiful.” Donghae smiles, he brings flowers from behind his back and Hyukjae chuckles because he has never been a romantic but he can’t help but like it when Donghae is.
“Hi handsome.” Hyukjae takes the flower, and shows Donghae in. “I’ll put them in water.”
There are sweet peas of pastel colors and Hyukjae smiles as he sees Donghae hovering at the kitchen door. “You usually act as if it’s your apartment, don’t get shy now.”
“You secretly love when I invade your space, admit it.” Donghae smirks.
Hyukjae tenses at the use of words but gets busy with putting water in the vase. “You wish.” He still answers, teasing.
They leave the apartment once the flowers are in a vase in the middle of the kitchen table. Donghae offers his hand and Hyukjae takes it. He likes how light everything feels around Donghae.
“I parked right in front. We should only go on dates on weekdays.” Donghae strokes his thumb on Hyukjae’s knuckles as he speaks.
They walk out of Hyukjae’s building and Hyukjae’s eyes catch Donghae’s car right away. It’s his company car that only goes out of its parking space on special occasions. Donghae opens up the door for Hyukjae and closes it once he’s seated. He goes around the car and gets in the driver’s seat. He buckles his seatbelt and takes Hyukjae’s hand before starting the car.
“You look beautiful tonight.” Donghae says solemnly and Hyukjae’s whole body goes limp and gooey inside.
“You only say that so I say it back.” Hyukjae mumbles shyly. Donghae laughs out loud and pulls the car out on the street.
They drive downtown and go down in an underground car park service. Donghae gives his key to a valet, and they take an elevator up to the 34th floor.
“Welcome, sirs. Did you have a reservation with us?” The lady behind the counter asks them as soon as they are out of the elevator.
“Yes, the name is Lee Donghae.”
She checks the booking on her tablet before smiling at them and showing us to another waiter. “Please follow my colleague to your table.”
“Welcome sirs.” The waiter greets them.
Hyukjae nods and Donghae smiles politely. They sit down at a table near the window and the view of the city’s skyline.
“This is the fanciest place I’ve ever been” Hyukjae whispers once the waiter walks away.
“Half the openings you took me to were fancier than here.” Donghae smiles cheekily.
They order red wine even though they’d both prefer to drink beer. A man is playing piano and by the time their starters are served a singing voice has joined. Hyukjae’s neck almost snaps when he recognises it.
Suddenly Hyukjae's mind is back in the middle of the street in a familiar neighborhood. Rain is soaking him wet, his teardrops mixing with raindrops.
He is screaming at a frail figure, voice breaking. “I’m tired of having the same fight again and again. Look at me!”
The figure turns around to face him. The bags under Jongwoon’s eyes are the darkest they’ve ever been, he looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks, which is probably too close to reality. His dyed-blond curls are flat on his forehead and his body screams exhaustion.
“Then let’s stop.” Jongwoon sounds defeated, he doesn’t want to scream anymore.
“You won’t fight for us?” Hyukjae sounds hurt.
“We’ve been fighting each other, Hyukjae. This is not working anymore.”
“Fuck you! Oh my god! Fuck you! You don’t get to say that!” Hyukjae scratches his face in disbelief. So many emotions are flooding in, he doesn’t even know what he’s feeling anymore. “This is not working because you don’t put in the work! Relationships need work! This isn’t magically happening, life is not a romcom, hyung.”
“I’m hurting you! I’m hurting us!” Jongwoon’s voice is begging and Hyukjae hates that he has to do this to save them.
“Hurt me by trying to fight for us. I don’t care, just try.” Hyukjae is not screaming anymore. “Please, try for us.” Jongwoon admits defeat and nods. Hyukjae walks to him and presses his lips to Jongwoon’s. Their bodies fall into each other.
Hyukjae loves Jongwoon’s rumble of a voice, he loves bickering with him and making up, he loves Jongwoon’s soft hands, he loves Jongwoon’s quiet way of loving him.
More than once Hyukjae tried to think about life without Jongwoon. He imagined it loud, uncomfortable, dark and soulless. When they walked away from each other, Hyukjae walked away from the only source of light in his life. Jongwoon always had music to escape, Hyukjae had to deal with deafening silence.
Jongwoon is here, in the restaurant Donghae chose to celebrate their 6 months together. Hyukjae wishes he could just leave this instant. Instead, he tries to focus on Donghae’s starry eyes and the way he excitedly speaks about dog day at the office.
Hyukjae likes how Donghae understands his need for solitude. For all that clinginess, Donghae somehow feels when Hyukjae needs space and lets him be until Hyukjae reaches out again.
“How do you do it?” Hyukjae asks when they’re lying face to face in bed, after days of not seeing each other.
“Do what?” Donghae is straightforward, he doesn’t play games.
“You always know when I need time alone.” Hyukjae mumbles.
“You space out a lot, and you’re less touchy.” Donghae teases the last part by pinching Hyukjae’s hip.
“But you hate being apart.” Hyukjae scoots closer to Donghae’s warm body.
“But you need it.” Donghae hums. “And once you want me around, you call me and I’m right on your doorstep anyway.”
Hyukjae giggles in Donghae’s neck and breathes him in. “Thank you for calling.” Donghae whispers in Hyukjae’s ear, hugging him closer.
Hyukjae likes Donghae so he brings him to meet his parents. Hyukjae’s parents are over the moon with their son’s boyfriend. Donghae is a filial son, it shows in the way he behaves in a family setting. He always offers his arm to Mrs Lee, dropping a compliment on her hair or outfit, he laughs just loud enough to Mr Lee’s jokes and humors him with business talk. Hyukjae looks at his parents’ smile and he can almost see future family gatherings, Donghae’s mother with them, Donghae and him. And everything feels easy.
Hyukjae likes that he and Donghae do not really fight. Donghae says what he means when he means to and does not play and says half-truths. Hyukjae discovers that he’d rather be shouted at than being asked questions he does not have the answers to.
“The singer at the restaurant, you knew him.” Donghae is not asking a question, he knows. Hyukjae likes that Donghae is affirmative and straight to the point.
Donghae’s eyes are sad and his shoulders tense. Hyukjae is not feeling anything, every single part of his body and heart is numb.
“I…” Hyukjae starts but nothing comes out.
“You clearly don’t want to talk about it or you would have months ago. I want to be with you, I just need to know you want it just as much.” Donghae stands without waiting for an answer. He knows Hyukjae enough to know he won’t get a straight one. Hyukjae would like to be more open, but old habits die hard. The door closes quietly and Hyukjae is alone again.
Hyukjae thinks back to days and nights spent between the sheets, morning breaths mixed with nicotine and coffee stains on t-shirts. He unlocks his phone and opens a chat that finishes on a string of unanswered texts.
Two hours later, he sits in an empty coffee shop facing the person he once thought of as the love of his life. Jongwoon doesn’t look as tired as he used to which somehow warms Hyukjae’s heart, he always wished for Jongwoon’s health and happiness.
Hyukjae cups his hands around the hot chocolate he ordered. It’s 2 am and it feels like one of their old dates making up after screaming at each other for hours like crazy people.
Hyukjae loves that Jongwoon’s eyes are still as soft as the day they confessed their feelings for each other. Even after everything fell apart, they still look at each other as if nothing’s changed.
“You look good. Better.” Hyukjae speaks quietly.
“I changed medication, I turned to something plant-based. It helps with sleeping.” Jongwoon explains, referring to the camomile he ordered minutes before.
“Not tonight, though.”
“No, not tonight.”
Hyukjae loves the way Jongwoon used to answer his calls or texts anytime of day or night, until he didn’t anymore. Something in the way Jongwoon looks at him, he knew Hyukjae would call tonight. Months of distance and radio silence did not obliviate years of familiarity between them.
“I’m sorry hyung.”
Jongwoon frowns at that. “About what?”
“Everything that went down between us. The way I ended things.”
Jongwoon hums and humects his lips with his infusion. “Ryeowook told me about Donghae. It seems like he takes care of you, the restaurant is a nice place for a date.”
“I don’t want to talk about Donghae.” Hyukjae interrupts.
“Why did you call me here then?” Jongwoon plays dumb and Hyukjae is irritated.
“To talk about us.”
“I think we said enough back then.”
“Sometimes it feels like a mistake, giving up on us..”
“Hyukjae…” Jongwoon sighs.
“I reproached it to you so many times, but in the end I’m the one who ended it. I couldn’t picture myself without you, sometimes I still can’t, it scared me so much. I couldn’t bear to lose you so maybe if I made it look like you lost me instead that’d be more bearable. Spoiler alert, it didn’t.” Hyukjae sniffles. “Sometimes I feel like I’ll never love anybody else the way I loved you. As if, my love was only made for you. I know it’s insane.”
Hyukjae doesn’t want to look Jongwoon in the eye. Jongwoon knows all the ugly parts of him, Jongwoon knows everything Donghae knows and everything he’ll never know.
“What about Donghae?” Jongwoon still risks, whatever the answer, it will hurt both of them.
“He’s everything someone could imagine to want to love.”
“But?”
“I don’t love him.”
“Not yet.”
“I’m not sure I can, hyung. You don’t decide these kinds of things.”
“You choose to let yourself love someone and you work for it. We were the right thing at the wrong time. But what you have now could be the right thing at the right time.”
“I don’t think I can stop loving you, not now, not one day. How can I look Donghae in the eye when I still love you?”
“I love you, Hyukjae. I loved you 3 years ago, I loved you yesterday, I love you right this instant and I will love you tomorrow and the day you choose to marry someone who isn’t me. But we’re not in love anymore. We stopped being in love the moment I chose music over you for the first time and you pretended you understood.”
Hyukjae loves Jongwoon, and he can’t bring himself to hate it anymore.
“Your love for me and your love for Donghae, they’re different things. We’re different people, you cannot expect to feel the same about us.”
“That’s what I liked the most about him.” Hyukjae whispers. “How different he is from you. That’s all I could see during our first date, everything you would’ve done and everything he did instead.”
“And how did it make you feel?”
“I loved every single second of it.” Hyukjae smiles thinking back.