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I can kind of imagine Liam like this before a boxing match or something, psyching himself up, listening to some intense beats and then going out and beating the crap out of the other guy because at that moment this is the only thing going for him and the rest of his life is falling to shit and he just needs to take it out on something, to prove to himself that he can accomplish something, that he can win.
And then maybe, after he’s done it, while he’s getting his bruises and cuts treated and his sore muscles rubbed and iced, he’ll relish the pain a little bit, savor the ache, because it’s a small price to pay for feeling good about himself for once.
And maybe, when he’s back home lying in bed that night with dolls that he’s supposed to be too old to care about anymore, he’ll let himself dream a little bit of a better life - one in which he has friends who he can confide in and care about and they’ll do the same back; in which he doesn’t have to hit and hurt other people to prove his own self-worth; in which he can maybe find that special someone he’s been waiting so long for - someone who understands what it’s like, someone who doesn’t just pity him but really gets it, gets him, knows what it’s like to get stuck with the short end of the stick every damn time and have to try to be better than everyone else despite that to even have any sort of chance at all.
Because really, he knows. He tries to numb it out all the time, but he knows he can’t avoid his thoughts when he’s lying awake, attempting desperately to will himself to sleep. He feels so alone. His heart isn’t letting him block it. And really, what could be worse?
But at heart, Liam is a fighter. He knows it. Everyone knows it. He does things he’s got his mind set on, and he does them well. Liam Payne does not lose - at least not of his own volition. And in that last moment before he drifts off into soft snores under the thin sheets, he allows himself a little sliver of hope for something he’s never had, and the rush of imaginary contentment is enough to carry him into a peaceful sleep.