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Gotham's central bank, its main point of commerce and frankly rather shady business dealings, is in a state of pandemonium.
Citizens and clerks alike run amuck, hiding or trying to outrun the c-list rogues chasing after them. Joker had enlisted the help of some of the others for this, and he could see Harley knocking out the security guards with her giant mallet. He beams at her. “Nice work, girlbuddy!”
Harley glances back, returning his gleeful look with her own. A guard tries to take advantage of her distraction, but she hits him square in the head without even looking. “Thanks, Mistah J! The path to the vault should be wide open now, hurry!”
Joker's grin only widens, and he quickly scurries down the more secluded hallway past Harley, the chaos and screaming of the main foyer area slowly dissipating as he ventures deeper and deeper.
True to Harley’s word, the path was completely clear. The guards were all unconscious, much to his delight. Now, to get to the vault door and use his villainous genius to break in.
Just as he reaches the large, almost comical vault door and skids to a stop, he hears a familiar gruff voice behind him.
“Joker.” Batman steps forward, batarangs at the ready, his pose as eloquently dramatic as it could possibly be.
Joker's grin turns borderline dreamy, and he leans against the vault door, almost tripping on his own coattail. Clearing his throat, he ignores that even happened. “Batman.” He echoes. “Here to stop me from stealin’ all this money?”
“Of course. Why else would I be here?”
“Oh, I dunno, some other, special occasion that one might celebrate with their greatest enemy of all time?” Joker crosses his arms and rolls his eyes. Isn't it obvious what day it is today? “Maybe you wanna fight me in a, ahem, historically significant place?”
Batman looks at him like he's talking nonsense. “I have literally no idea what you're talking about. Can we just get to the fighting? I'm super pumped after taking down all those other guys in the foyer, I don't wanna lose the hype. I've got a totally sick beat I can play to this too, just wrote it.”
The earlier grin melts into a huge frown. Did Batman seriously forget what today is? Did an entire year of being greatest enemies mean nothing?
His thoughts were interrupted by the sight of a batarang being thrown at his face. He instinctively jumped out of the way, quickly counter attacking with a can of silly string, rigged to expand, a concoction sticky enough to trap even the most annoying of heroes. Well, except for Batman, who expertly jumped, using the wall to propel himself forward towards Joker.
The villain in question can only groan, his upset clear in how he defends against Batman's offensive, but doesn't attack himself. “Uuuuugh, I don't wanna fight you today! I can't believe you forgot!”
“Forgot what!? You are literally not making any sense right now, J-bird.” Annoyed, Batman tries to lunge and grab Joker by the coattail, but he manages to jump out of the way, resulting in the vigilante face planting into the floor.
“Figure it out! Just- argh! Just check the stupid vault, you dumb brute, I'm leaving!” He'd been planning to lure the Bat into the vault with the threat of explosives (which did exist, not that Batman needed to know that), but now he doesn't even want to bother. Batman's confused and borderline concerned look goes ignored as Joker sets off a smoke bomb, disappearing in a cloud of purple.
Batman gets up with a groan, rubbing his side. He turns back, cautiously cracking the vault’s security with his super-awesome bat lock picking technology (trademarked), heaving open the door. Inside, it seems fairly untouched. He steps in, waltzing past the stacks of gold and money, until his eyes land on a large box of chocolates, set precariously atop a pile of gold bars.
He approaches it like it's going to jump out at him, cautiously pulling off the lid to inspect the chocolates inside. Just one piece is as large as the palm of his hand, and judging from the smell, it's all just regular chocolate, milk, dark and white in different variations. Engraved on the tops of each are different, cheesy messages, the type one would find on those little heart candies around Valentine’s.
“I hate you”, “True hate”, “You're insufferable”... He takes them each, inspecting them for more reasons than just curiosity.
Batman bites his lip, turning around to see if he can maybe catch up with Joker still, until he hears a faint ticking.
He only barely manages to dive out of the vault before the entire thing explodes. Coughing, he takes in the wreckage, wincing at the sight of the large piles of money engulfed in flames and the gold nearby melting. Well, there's been worse. Luckily, he managed to save a few of the chocolates in his hands. For… Evidence, of course. Batman is quick to whisk off into the night, leaving the police to deal with the mess and himself with the anticipation for the events of later tonight. And the hope that Joker will forgive him later.
—
“Puddin’, are you sure you still wanna unleash all this other stuff? I mean, we don't hafta if… Y'know, you're still upset at the Bat for forgettin’ your big day.” Harley glances over at Joker with a raised brow.
In front of them sit the other two ‘gifts’ Joker had planned to give Batman for their extremely important 1st nemesiversary. He's been thinking about this for weeks now, and Batman forgot!? This is their first year ever being official arch nemeses, and Batman doesn't even care about him enough to remember one stupid day!?
The giant robotic teddy bear and comically sized bottle of wine seem to stare at him mockingly. He could picture Batman's face, exaggerated with disdain—like, real disdain, not their kind of it, but the type that would put a pit in his stomach and hollow out his lungs—at the sight of his other schemes.
“Boo-boo, why don't we just put all these away and do somethin’ else? Like… we can watch a movie! Who's up for Nightmare Before Christmas?” Harley's voice rings out, a big smile on her face as she tries to cheer up a moping Joker.
Scarecrow, on the other side of the living room, groans. “But it's not even Halloween or Christmas… and we watch that movie every year anyway.”
“How ‘bout Serendipity?” Crazy Quilt pipes up, only to be met with a chorus of boos. He slumps back down, deflated.
Other suggestions are thrown around, Jaws, Stranger than Fiction, Fast & Furious (all of them), until Joker finally lets out an angry noise, akin to a whine mixed with the dying screech of an animal.
“I'm not just gonna let all this good stuff go to waste! And you all have terrible taste in movies!” Joker hops out of his chair, staring the teddy bear dead in the eye like it personally offended him. There has to be some way he can still cause havoc without having to fight Batman…
Slowly, he turns to his loyal gang of C-tier villains. A wicked smile makes its way onto his face. Harley raises a brow at him, but he ignores her as he taps his fingers together. He has all these bad guys at his disposal, doesn't he? Batman will just have to celebrate their nemesiversary without fighting him at all.
—
The Batmobile sped through the streets (and the sidewalks) Batman behind the wheel, Robin in the newly added passenger seat, nestled in safely with the also newly added seatbelts. The situation at the bank had been resolved, while he, erm, dealt with the Joker, he had Robin tie up and apprehend the defeated criminals, ensuring they wouldn't be able to make off with any valuables. His kid was, as always, impressive in his ability to enact orders like a well-oiled machine.
“Hey padre?” Robin suddenly speaks up, leaning forward, as if to peer out the windshield.
“Yeah?”
“What's with that giant teddy bear?”
“What's with that giant what!?” Batman slams on the breaks, just in time, only inches away from crashing into some sort of… robot, stuffed bear monstrosity. The thing was absolutely towering, each step echoing through the streets and crushing cement. There were more of them, to his horror, mowing through the city, ripping up anything they could get their stubby paws on. Batman groans, banging his head against the steering wheel.
He sits up after a second of reflecting on his life choices, finally front flipping out of the car, Robin in tow.
“Holy guacamole! There's so many of them! Joker's really going all out today, huh?” Robin stands at the ready, awaiting directions.
Batman pulls out his grappling hook, looking back at his son. “I'll go find Joker. You go help Barb round up these monsters.” He points towards the police cars, sirens wailing as they surround the area, trying to contain the bears. Robin nods and scurries off, while Batman grapples away. He activates his bat sensors, deducting that the teddy bears are being controlled by some sort of remote signal. But where is the question…
Finally, he spots it. A flash of green, at the top of a building just a few blocks away. Batman grapples up to the rooftops, jumping between buildings until he finally lands behind…
“Joker!” He yells, looking up, only to find… the Riddler? And Condiment King, standing in front of an elaborate portable computer system that seems to be sending orders to the robot bears.
Riddler yelps, cane at the ready to attack. Condiment King is already firing, and Batman only jumps out of the way to avoid getting mustard on his cape. That stuff's hard to clean off. Joker's absence leaves him… Disappointed. Guess he'll just have to wait until later.
“Riddle me this, Batman! How did you find us so fast!?” Riddler hoists his cane up and goes in for a blow, but Batman grabs it with both hands and knees Riddler in the stomach. While Condiment King is… er, Condiment King, Riddler is a more adept foe, in his opinion. Just… not on the front lines. Riddler's never been built for hand-to-hand combat, always preferring to work from in the shadows. That makes this fight both laughably easy and embarrassingly quick.
Condiment King takes up the role of trying to hold off Batman by any means necessary, while a winded Riddler attempts to pack up the computer and run. Unfortunately for both of them, they're easily knocked out by well-timed karate chops to the neck. He pulls out his bat-rope and ties them both up. Time to meet back up with his kid, and hopefully, his platonic co-worker buddy too.
Back on the ground, Barbara and Robin have just finished rounding up the last of the robot bears when they all suddenly go limp. Their daunting forms fall over and land with a cloud of dust and a resounding thump.
Barbara glances up, watching as Batman lands a few feet away from her, two tied up villains in tow. Riddler and Condiment King.
“...Huh. I don't think I've ever seen these two partnered up.” She comments, a small but amused grin on her face.
Condiment King, coming to consciousness now, speaks up. His dazed state makes for a looser tongue, apparently. “It was Joker's idea.” He beams, only to be met with a sharp glare from Riddler. Way to give up the secret.
While they're being loaded into the back of police cruisers, Batman steps back to think. Joker, huh? He knew the villain was up to this, there's no way those two would be kanoodling otherwise. Woah. Okay, back up there. Not kanoodling, more like, cooperating. So, then, where's Joker? He subconsciously feels at his pocket, before shaking his head. That annoying clown has to show up eventually. He has to.
—
Joker does not, in fact, show up later.
Bruce (Not Batman, even though Batman is the coolest and would have made this stupid thing tolerable) had been forced to attend a charity gala celebrating the creation of some… orphaned pigeon relief organization. He, of course, stood in front of cameras and gave them his signature poses, facial expressions varying form sly to ‘cute’, satisfying the press with his charms. On the inside, he's dying.
Joker hasn't popped up anywhere all day, and he's starting to worry he might have missed his chance there, at the bank. Although, the moment in his mind was a lot more dramatic than some bank hallway. Only the best for his greatest enemy, even if he does have to pretend to be a jerk for a bit.
Did he really forget about their nemesiversary? Maybe old Bruce would have, but new, cooler Bruce never forgets anything important like that. Joker is… Important to him, in more ways than one. His arch nemesis is such an integral part of his life, takes up such real estate in his mind, that he wouldn't dream of forgetting. Probably wasn't a great idea to pretend he forgot, but he panicked! What was he supposed to do!? Pop the question right there!?
His thoughts are interrupted by one of the attendants passing by, a woman with glasses and blond hair in a bun. She gives him a pleasant grin.
“Wine, Mr. Wayne?” The attendant, holding a tray of glasses and a bottle of expensive wine, looks familiar. He could have sworn he's seen her face before somewhere…
“Uh, sure, whatever. Thanks.” Bruce holds out a hand to accept a glass, but is instead met with the sight of her once pleasant grin turning malicious.
“Coming right up! Now!” She yells back towards the back of the stage where the orchestra is performing, now in a much more recognizable tone of voice. Harley Quinn! Bruce jumps back, about to yell for the other attendees to run, but he's too late.
Three absolutely gigantic bottles of wine are wheeled out from backstage, forcing the orchestra to pick up their instruments and run, screaming. The villains behind the bottles, Crazy Quilt, Killer Croc and Bane, tip their respective ones over. Wine, in absurd quantities, starts to spill out from the uncorked tops. It's enough liquid to flood the event space. Bruce quickly whirls around to try and open a door and prevent that, only to find Ivy barricading them with her vines. Shoot! He needs to get out of here.
Within the chaos, he manages to sneak off to a dark corner, pulling out his ultra-secret emergency grappling hook, for emergencies. He needs high ground, then he can call for backup and build his way down. That number of villains is enough to justify ripping a few buildings apart for a Scuttler, at least…
His grappling hook is quick to zip him up onto the top of Wayne tower. The wine had gotten to about halfway up his shin, and his once pristine white slacks are dripping with wine, not to mention stained red. Ugh, that's probably never going to come out. Bruce reaches up to his ear to call Alfred, when he looks up, and, to his shock, is faced with Joker.
Well, not really faced. Joker has his back to him, coattails floppy on the concrete as he watches the chaos unfold down at the gala. The villain seems to carry a general air of misery, even at the sight of such unbridled destruction and havoc, the screams of the attendees carried up by the infrastructure that surrounds them.
Bruce bites his lip again. Well, no better time than the present. His heart is pounding in his chest as he clears his throat, stepping forward. “Joker.”
The man in question startles, turning around in the blink of an eye, clearly caught off guard. Joker crosses his arms, brushing his embarrassing reaction under the rug. “Oh, it's you.” He practically scoffs, clearly upset. “What do you want, Bruce?”
“Okay, ew, don't call me that. That sounds completely weird coming from you.”
Joker's glare is quick to shut him up. Now he knows how Condiment King felt earlier, that glare must be something they teach in villain school. Is there even a villain school? Okay, he's getting totally off track here.
“Right, uh, look, about me…Forgetting, and all of that…”
“What? You finally realized what day it is today? I had all this planned for our nemesiversary, and I expected you to at least care about me enough to remember! I didn't even expect you to get anything for me, but apparently, just remembering is too much to ask.” Joker turns back to look down at the gala, frown deep on his face. “I thought you hated me.”
“I do, I swear! I hate you more than anything on this planet, I just- let me explain-”
“There's nothing to explain, Bruce! It's plain and simple, black and white, you forgot our nemesiversary, you can't just explain that away! And an apology won't cut it!”
“No, J-bird-”
“Don't call me that! You don't get to act all casual like everything is okay-”
“I didn't forget!” Bruce finally yells, interrupting the Joker before they can get deeper into an argument that, frankly, won't get them anywhere.
The villain pauses, confusion seeping into his face and replacing the earlier anger. “... What?” He finally asks, breaking the silence, urging Bruce to continue.
So he does. “I didn't forget our nemesiversary, I marked it down on my calendar months before it even came.”
Joker seems to be trying to reconcile this fact with what happened at the bank, opening his mouth, but getting interrupted again.
“I panicked, and I said something stupid. Like, really stupid. Uper-stupid. Usually, my ideas are awesome and 100% foolproof, but this one… wasn't.” Bruce grimaces, but continues, avoiding eye contact with his arch nemesis, afraid of what he might see there. “I just… I had something big planned, and I didn't want to accidentally reveal anything before I had the chance to actually surprise you.”
His greatest enemy stands there, stunned. Joker seems to be calming down now, an almost giddy, wobbly grin forming on his face. “You did? You actually planned something?”
Bruce nods. He's got one shot at this, and hopefully, his mouth doesn't go tumbling before his brain can catch up. He reaches into his pocket, his fingers clutching around a smooth velvet box. With a deep breath, he gets down on one knee. Joker gasps.
“Joker, you are the worst, the most insufferable, and the most unlikeable person I have ever had the displeasure of being around in my entire life. Everytime I'm fighting you, all I can think about is just how goddamn annoying and frustrating you are. I hate you, with all of my heart, and… I want you to be my greatest enemy… forever. Batman and Joker. Will you-” He can't even finish, before he's being pounced on.
Joker practically latches onto him, shoulders shaking, his grip unforgiving in the bone-crushing hug. “Oh my God, Batsy, you're kidding!” He pulls back just enough to plant a kiss to Bruce's cheek, leaving a bright red kiss mark, but he could care less. His eyes are watering by the time Bruce slides the ring onto his finger, the band a deep, royal purple and the diamond carved into a skull. It's perfect. Joker plants more kisses all over Bruce's face, and as much as the other man frowns and complains, he can see the little smile on Bruce's face.
Well, he'd say the surprise was a success. They stay up there for a while, just holding each other as Joker bawls his eyes out and the police resolve the situation down at the gala, apprehending the confused villains who didn't know what the next step of the plan was.
He glances down at the villain in his arms, his greatest enemy, now forever. Bruce holds on a little tighter.