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"Fine! Suit yourself!"
With a loud banging of the door being shut, there ends their 4 year relationship, the night before their 5th.
The first thing that settles within JL's bones is anger, hot and red. Fiery and still burning. He and Juwon just fought about the possibility of their futures, where their careers are at stake.
Juwon had wanted to stay for their relationship and JL had wanted him to go. It was a conversation they'd always had that resulted in full-blown fighting, always. The fights had started small, from a few eye rolls that could have been resolved by cuddling the night away, to ones that had been loud and destructive with things falling to the ground, cracked and broken.
It could've been resolved with a simple talk, a conversation between two grown adults. But things started escalating when JL himself also got an offer, on the other side of the country, away from Juwon.
Juwon had been willing to stay, but JL was not.
This is the thing that he has always been waiting for, once his sole drive for living. A dream that has always seemed so far fetched is now knocking at his door, waiting for him to overcome the only hurdle that is keeping him away from that doorknob—his indecisiveness.
But he can't open the door, not now when he is hesitating, not when Juwon was with him. He wants to stay, badly for the two of them. But he also wants to choose himself. To fight for the dream that is always put on a pedestal. To risk it all, for something that has no certainty but will definitely keep him alive. Keep him burning.
And so he burns, he yearns to open that door. Even if it means leaving Juwon alone.
The fight started silently and ended with shouting and messiness with their picture frames knocked down on the ground. Some with glasses shattered, some still intact.
And Juwon walked out of it.
The second thing that settles on his chest when the burning finally sizzles down is emptiness. A harrowing hole left in his heart, gaping, with nothing to fill it with.
So he kneels, throat clogged with something he can't name, and starts gathering the scattered bits of what was left of their relationship, an attempt to fill the void that is ever so present in his heart. He picks up the knocked down frames, sweeps the broken glasses, arranges the messy couch—now devoid of Juwon's things, his coat gone, and bag nowhere in sight.
But even after cleaning up their apartment, he doesn't feel satisfied.
So he kept going.
Maybe their countertop needs a new scrub. He picks up a brush and scrapes at it until his knuckles ache. He even finds an old toothbrush, working it into the tiny crevices, hunting for grime that may not even be there. When he finishes, he steps back. Only to feel the stickiness of the cold marbled floor.
He can feel the dust clinging to the sole of his feet, suddenly hyperaware of it. So he sweeps the floor of their whole apartment clean, one. Two. Three times. And when he’s done, he starts mopping, vacuuming, before sweeping all over again.
He takes a step back to admire his handiwork, only for his eyes to fall on the sink, bare of any dishes, but still, somehow, dirty. And that is his next task.
The night stretches on and JL continues cleaning their apartment. Their countertop, twice. Their sink, thrice. Their bathroom, twice. Their floor—he's now sweeping it for the fourth time. He even rearranges their pantry two times, tearing it apart to arrange it all over again.
Everything is cleaned, except for one room.
He can't enter their room, he won’t.
Because after all, this was their shared apartment.
And he doesn't know how Juwon's absence in their shared bed would affect him. Therefore, he keeps the door closed.
JL doesn't sleep, he doesn't get a wink. He is distracted, hands raw from relentless brushing and his eyes are burning from the chemicals he used to clean their apartment.
‘I just hope Juwon will like it when he gets home, he always gets mad when I make a mess.’
The thought makes him freeze.
What is he doing?
Juwon is not coming home.
And eight hours after Juwon left—at five am in the morning—JL let his first tears fall, still clutching the damp cloth with his blistered hands.
Juwon doesn't have it easy, he walks out with a sore throat from all the yelling and a stream of tears rolling down his cheeks. He feels selfish and unheard. And he doesn't like that.
JL has always made him feel heard, always made him feel deserving. But now he's not sure.
Juwon does want to grow for himself but he wants to stay with JL more. He wants what he currently has, their shared apartment, their nightly routines, he doesn’t want to lose that, especially not when they started planning the life ahead of them.
Juwon knows that they promised to never hinder each other when opportunities for their careers appear. They both have dreams, and they both share new ones. But Juwon is ready to leave his behind if it means staying with JL—because for him, there will always be better opportunities that will align with his stars.
But now it's pointless, Juwon can leave his own dreams behind for JL but JL doesn't feel the same. He feels childish. Because they’ve always talked, they’ve known each other enough to mend things within a few hours of the fight. But for the first time in their relationship, it seems like love is not enough for them to understand each other.
Juwon knows that he has to, and he does. But can't he be hurt? Can't he let himself feel this anguish of being left alone as you watch your most precious person chase for something they've always dreamed of?
It's nice watching them grow, seeing them achieve their dreams. But Juwon has never thought that it was this sorrowful to watch JL chase a dream that he is not a part of.
So Juwon lets himself weep, he lets himself cry even as he walks out of their apartment, away from their building with no destination in mind. He walks until his feet are raw and his eyes bloodshot from all the crying it did, no longer able to shed any tears.
He doesn't know where he’s going, but his body probably knows where he needs to be because he finds himself in front of Shuaibo’s apartment, 12 km away from theirs.
Juwon feels lightheaded with all the crying as he stands at the door of Shuaibo’s shared apartment with Steven pushing the doorbell button twice. The night air seeps into his clothes wrapping him in a cold embrace as he stands by the door waiting for it to open. The moon is already high up in the sky but the cold breeze of the wind did nothing to his flushed face.
Juwon stands still, in a daze as he rings the doorbell once more. His legs aching as he waits once again but this time, he hears rustling on the other side of the door that is soon followed by a click. The door opens which reveals Shuaibo with a messy bedhead and eyes squinting from the light, brows knitted, looking at Juwon. Shuaibo opens his mouth, about to say something only to stop himself, because whatever he sees in Juwons face makes him rethink the words he’s about to say as he just resorted to hurriedly ushering Juwon inside the apartment with quiet urgency.
Juwon enters their apartment with a throbbing headache and blurry vision. Shuaibo gently sits him on the couch before disappearing into the apartment. Juwon isn't sure where—he only hears soft murmurs as he leans back and closes his eyes, hoping to dull the pain in his head.
"Babe get up, Juwon's here."
A mumble.
"I swear to god, Steven Kim, if you don't get up right now I'm gonna have you sleeping outside."
Then a crash and tumble.
Juwon couldn’t help but chuckle as he hears the couple bickering silently. That's what he and JL do as well. Playfully bicker and endlessly tease each other.
He remembers teasing JL about their karaoke date when the said man cracked his voice when trying to sing a very high note that was so out of his range.
He remembers when JL repeated Juwon’s vocal stims when he got one. It could be from a movie they just watched or a very ridiculous sound he finds ringing in his head. JL teases him about it as he repeats the same sound.
He remembers when they first met through a dancing crew, how they bickered left and right about the proper execution of moves. Only to find compromises on each of them that they felt satisfied with.
He remembers when they had little arguments about how strawberry is better than matcha which JL heavily disagreed on, only for him to buy the same flavour that Juwon’s drink had.
He remembers how he used to spend their night together, just laying in each other's arms, sleeping their fatigue away, resting in each other's embrace. Feeling safe, feeling home.
He can't argue with JL anymore, can he?
And this time, with eyes still closed, Juwon sobs once again as he feels arms wrapping around him.
It is Shuaibo, caressing his head.
Juwon clutches on his shirt like a lifeline, burying his head on his chest and pouring his heart out. Mourning for the loss of something he can never replace.
Juwon wakes up on the couch of Shuaibo's shared apartment with Steven. For a moment, he couldn’t open his eyes. It’s hard to. His eyelids feel heavy as he tries to pry them open, and when he does, he can’t help but squint at the harsh light that welcomed his vision.
Exhaustion clings to his body as he slowly sits up and glances at the window near the couch. The sun is already up, about to reach its peak. He’s not sure how many hours have passed since he went to sleep, he didn’t bother to check the time. He just sits there and stares at the window.
His mind is still hazy, his feet dully aching, his throat dry. And eyes? Definitely puffy. He's not sure how many hours he stayed there, quietly looking out the window, letting time slip through his fingers.
He's not thinking about anything. For once, he doesn't have the energy for anything. All his reserves, used up. He just stares outside. At nothing, blinking occasionally when his eyes screamed at him to blink.
And he plans to do so for the whole day, until he feels a cold glass of water pressed on his cheek, snapping him out of his daze.
He glances at the glass of water, looking up at the one who gave it—Steven, he notes—before accepting the water. He cups it with both hands feeling the coolness of the glass in his palm but he doesn’t drink.
He hears Steven sighing before feeling the couch space beside him dipping.
"What happened?" The older man asks as he watches Juwon fix his gaze on the ice cubes floating on the water. Five ice cubes.
Juwon doesn't answer. He doesn't want to. Because saying it out loud will make it real. Confirming it with words will make it irreversible and he can't have that. Not now, not ever.
But curse Steven for being the perceptive man that he is, "Did you and JL break up?" He asks. Stabbing Juwon's gut deeper than he expected.
Still, he stays silent.
"Still the same problem?"
He doesn't nod, he doesn't say anything.
But when he sees the first ice cube dissolving in the water, he lets his first words sink with it.
"He got an offer as well," he says, watching the second one slowly melt, still floating. "Far from here, away from me."
Plop. The second one follows.
"Good for him then. But why break up?"
The third ice lingers longer than Juwon likes. It's bigger and takes more time to melt than the other ones. So he says nothing.
"You feel like you're being left behind?"
He offers no reply.
"Or do you feel like your love is not valued the way you thought it was?"
The ice clinks sharply in the glass, the surface of the water trembling. His hands mirroring the storm inside him.
"No it's not like that," he says in defiance, "I just feel hurt."
"Why?"
With the third ice cube finally melting, came with it the remaining two that just sank at the bottom of the glass, mixing with the water.
"I just can't believe that I have to watch his back walk away from me," he said as he feel the tears once again prickling his eyes. "I know he won't do the same as I did, I'm not asking him to. Can't I just feel hurt because I am not part of the future he's now gonna build by himself? Because I'm not part of that dream?"
"So what? You decided to fight him, break up, to let him know that you're hurt?" Steven asks, "Did he even get the message? No—let's rephrase that, did you even hear what he has to say?"
Juwon's shoulders tense at the question. He tries to remember what they were fighting about. What they were screaming at each other for. He can't even remember the words that were thrown.
The only distinct memory that he has of their messy night are the picture frames being knocked off of the table, the sound echoing in their apartment making both of them stop screaming at each other. Juwon doesn't even remember JL's face that night, he didn't want to look at his face.
He remembers hearing the words out of JL's mouth, soft and quiet, hurting but gentle, "We should break up."
Juwon's eyes were glued on the broken frame, his shoulders up in his ears as he swallowed the lump in his throat. "Fine! Suit yourself!" He replied, grabbing his coat and bag before storming out of their shared apartment.
"God, I'm so stupid," Juwon whispers as he grips the glass in his hands tightly, his figure shaking as he lets his heart out once again.
He should've told JL that he loved him. He should've told JL that he was hurting not because he doesn't feel loved, but because he's just hurt. He should've said clearly to JL that he is not at fault. He should've told JL a lot of things, assured him, and given him the support that he needs.
But Juwon didn't. He didn't 'cause he was hurting. And now they're both hurting.
“You know, just because you’re hurting doesn’t mean you get to throw JL’s feelings under the bus,” Steven adds as he sits closer to Juwon, their shoulders rubbing off of each other.
“T-that’s not what I wa—”
“But it is,” Steven cuts him off. “It’s probably not an easy decision for him, but the man has a dream, Wony. You’re not in any position to stop that regardless if you’re in a relationship with him or not.”
Juwon lowers his head, hiding his eyes behind the curtain of his hair that falls on his forehead, “I didn’t want to stop him from achieving his dreams…” he whispered, small and barely audible.
“But you wanted him to stay,” Steven says with certainty, twisting the knife lodged between Juwon’s ribs, “because you did.”
Juwon hates that Steven is right. He hates the fact that Steven got to read him like an open book, able to pull the truth out of his mouth before he even dared to admit it in his head. Because it makes him feel awful. It's not right feeling the way Juwon does. It’s immature and selfish. But he does feel like he is being left behind. And he wants JL to stay just like he did.
Is it so wrong to ask to be loved the way you do? Is it too much to ask?
Before, Juwon thought that he and JL were on the same page, speaking the same language. But this? This makes him feel like they are not even reading the same book.
And Juwon knows, in his heart, that it's not true. Not when JL stayed with him for four years—almost five. Not when JL chose to rent a small apartment that they can live in. And definitely not when JL sounded so hurt last night.
He wants to stay by JL’s side as much as he does not want him leaving. Juwon wants to support him in every way, watch him take a step closer towards the dream he always wanted for himself. He has to take what he can get, to stay at JL’s side.
But it's too late. Words had already flown like knives, their picture frames were already broken. He has no place to go back to, nor any arms to lay rest with.
Steven is there the whole time as he watches Juwon break once more since he came into their apartment. He lets the man wallow in regret and agony, lets him pour his heart out, occasionally tapping his back, steady, patient, unwavering.
And when Juwon finally calms down, Steven stands up, walking towards their kitchen.
"You should drink that water, it'll soothe your throat." He says before leaving, "Shuaibo will arrive later with lunch, he's on his way here."
Juwon just nods silently as he finally takes a sip from the glass of water in his hand, no longer cold, just warm and salty.
JL is roused by the heat of the room, sore and aching. His muscles are throbbing and his eyes are still stinging. Either from crying or from the chemicals, he doesn't know.
He sits up from the floor of their living room, eyes roaming around the place only to find it messy, as if he didn’t clean the whole apartment last night. There were clothes scattered everywhere—Juwon’s—some of them piled together acting as a pillow, and some of them are just there, mixed with the rest of Juwon’s wardrobe. It was the only way that JL could think of to help him sleep.
He was so used to Juwon's presence beside him that falling asleep without the man proved to be a challenge. Something he doesn't even know if he can overcome.
Juwon used to be the only constant in his life, the only certainty in his reckless soul. Juwon never made him doubt, never made him waver, but now, he's second-guessing.
JL sighs, he stands, and walks towards the window, pulling the curtain aside. He’s expecting the sun to be high up in the sky, but it is the orange hues of it slowly sinking that met his eye. The sun is already setting, no longer bright.
For a second it makes JL freeze. Almost a day has passed since they broke up and he was asleep for half of it. He's not sure if that's a good thing or not. It makes him feel empty either way.
JL leaves the curtain open as he lets the glow of the sunset cast their living room in a soft orange glow that makes it look frozen in time. It looks ethereal, something straight out of a painting he once saw with Juwon. It’s ethereal and realistic. Especially with the mess of the clothes that lie on their floor. The thought makes JL laugh a little.
He subconsciously tries to look for his phone in his pocket, wanting to take a picture of it and send it to Juwon only to stop midway—he can't do that now, can he?
Right. He has to remember.
He always keeps forgetting. And he should remember. JL just sighs as he walks through the heaps of clothing that are scattered in their living room, not minding the mess, and no longer distracted. His footsteps are light and careful, avoiding stepping on any clothes that lie on the ground.
He feels the sweat clinging on his skin as he weaves his way towards the door of their room only to stop by its doorway, staring inside. He left the door open last night after getting Juwon's clothes out of their shared cabinet but he never really stayed long. He couldn't bring himself to.
But he has to enter, he has to face it. Juwon is no longer with him, he now has to learn everything by himself, again. He now needs to learn how to be alone, again.
His heart feels heavy, and the tightness in his throat is nearly choking. JL steps in and the silence screams at him.
God, it smells like Juwon.
JL didn't know that his heart could shrink even more. But here he is, feeling the world on his shoulders, all by himself. Juwon is no longer by his side to help him carry it. And he forgot how heavy it was.
JL rummages through their closet—no, his closet—looking for a pair of clothing he can change into. He can feel a new layer of sweat dripping on his back that makes him feel particularly uncomfortable, it's like his body is begging for him to take a bath. And strangely, for once, his mind knows what he has to do.
His hand stops at a hoodie, the one Juwon gave him three months ago, the new one he couldn't wear because they were too busy fighting. He grabs it mindlessly together with the black baggy pants that go along with it.
He closes the closet before walking towards thei—his bathroom. He wraps his fingers on the doorknob and pries the door open only for him to reel back as a strong stench of bleach overwhelms his senses. He exhales sharply and leaves the door open before entering the bathroom.
He sets his change of clothes on top of the closed lid of the toilet bowl as he wordlessly enters the shower.
After stripping off his clothing he throws them somewhere before turning the shower on. The cold water falling on his hair as it cascades down his body, straight towards the drain. It feels like a respite, something that he longs to have after layers and layers of sweat that clung to his body which he never bothered to wash off, only now. For a few minutes, he just stands there, closing his eyes and letting the water hit his face.
What comes with water are the memories that he can't stop from resurfacing.
Juwon always hates it when JL just throws his clothes somewhere before taking a bath, always nagging about him being messy, asking him if he was a snake that leaves his skin somewhere after shedding which JL only replies with a half-hearted apology and a kiss on the cheek.
Before the memories could even continue eating his insides, JL opens his eyes, turns the water off, and reaches for the soap, only to stop midway because Juwon's bath wash is also there.
Juwon has always been particular with the bathwash that he's using. If JL is using a bar of soap, Juwon is using a branded one that smells like strawberry milk from a particular brand in Korea. Saying that it keeps his body hydrated and moisturized and was very insistent on sharing it with him. Something that he used to find childish, but is now, so endearing.
JL lets his hand hover over it for a second before grabbing his bar of soap, lathering his body with bubbles as he grabs his bottle of shampoo, ignoring Juwon's sitting right beside it. He scrubs his head with haste and intensity as if shaking the grime off his scalp would scrape the memories with it.
And when he’s done, JL just closes his eyes, turning the shower on once again, letting the soap and bubbles fall on his feet, washed off of his whole body, hoping that they take the memories with them down the drain.
JL finishes the bath as quickly as he can, walking out of the shower, wearing the hoodie that fits perfectly in his frame, and finding himself in front of the lavatory, the one he didn't touch last night, the one he couldn't touch last night. He faced his mirror. His mirror is full of Juwon.
He can't.
It's theirs.
Not just his.
It's theirs.
How can he own it by himself when Juwon's existence could be traced here? From the sticky notes on the mirror, the shared skin care products that sit on the lavatory, the toothbrushes, one for him and another for Juwon. Everything is either in pairs or shared.
With a cry bubbling in his throat, he goes out of the bathroom forcing himself to swallow. Only for his eyes to fall on the kitchen where two mugs sit at the countertop. JL’s hands shake as he walks towards the fridge, trying to ignore the mugs only for him to be welcomed by photos of them pinned neatly by two magnets—a tiger and a raccoon.
Everywhere he looked, Juwon was there.
The sink? Two water jugs.
The coffee maker? Two flavours.
The oven? Two pairs of oven mitts.
The pantry? Two jam spreads.
The shelves? Two stuffed toys.
The dining table? A pair of resin dolls.
He isn’t looking for Juwon but he can't help but see him everywhere. Every corner, every wall, Juwon left his trace like he was still here, living with him. Having fun with him, breathing with him. Every place holds a memory that he can't help but smile at. A smile that makes him feel warm and cold at the same time.
He's gone now, right?
But that doesn't mean he should let the memory fade as well. JL knows that he can only treasure them. Because that's the only thing he can do right now. He won't be able to relieve them or make new ones.
Even if he wants to.
He can't, he chose this. For himself, for a dream that has never been given the proper opportunity to shine. That’s why now, he has to own up to it and survive with it. That's the only thing he can do.
JL drags himself towards their living room—the sun’s glow no longer present—as he curls up in the pile of Juwon’s clothes once again, on the floor. He closes his eyes as he drowns his senses with the smell of them. Some of them smell like fresh laundry, and some of them smell like they’ve just been pulled from the back of the closet. Juwon’s scent clung to every piece, and JL wished it would cling to him, too.
For a second time, JL feels a cry bubbling in his throat but now, he lets it out. He sobs his heart out on Juwon’s clothes, hugging them tightly, keeping them close. As if he’s holding Juwon himself. JL lets himself fall apart, he lets himself cry for a memory, a love he still cherishes. A love he still holds on to. A love that he knows he will never let go of.
For hours he lets himself cry, wallow, and drown in his emotions. A part of him is still hoping, denying reality while a part of him is already accepting what he has to live with.
But he wants to be back in Juwon's arms so badly that it hurts.
Ting!
A distinct ringtone echoes in the room. For a second he doesn't recognize it, he thinks he’s hearing things. But it cuts through his cries like a knife, a drop of a pin he strains his ears to hear. He looks at the direction of the noise and there he sees his phone, lying on the couch, a few meters away from him, lit up and slowly darkening.
It’s the unique ringtone he set for Juwon's number. A customized one that will tell him that it's his priority and he must answer it at all times. Which in this case, textback.
He scrambles to stand up only for his feet to get tangled with the scattered clothes, he falls, loud and heavy with his knees hitting the ground. But he didn’t mind it, his eyes were focused on his phone, slowly darkening. He stands up once more, this time more frantic as he kicks the clothes off his feet. He rushes towards the couch and immediately grabs his phone before it goes to sleep, afraid that if he lets that glimpse of light die, he will never see it again.
JL clumsily opens his phone, some tears dropping onto his screen, wetting it in the process. He wipes it with his shaky fingers as his vision is blurry with tears still streaming down his face. He tries to type his PIN—incorrect. He tries once again—still wrong. JL can’t help but sob as he keeps trying to input his PIN, he can’t keep his hands still and refuses to cooperate. It frustrates JL because, goddammit, he can't open his phone.
So he tries one. Two. Three times. Until he couldn’t anymore. Because now, he has to wait for 30 seconds before trying all over again. JL wants to scream, to throw his phone out of the window. Because Juwon just sent him a text. He has to reply.
JL can’t help but pull his hair out of frustration. He wipes the tears off with the sleeve of his hoodie, then rubs the dampness on the couch. Disgusting, yes. But JL couldn’t really care less. He takes this little time to calm himself. This is the longest 30 seconds in his life and JL couldn't help but feel anxious every time that timer ticked by.
When the timer is finally up, JL tries to enter his PIN once again, hands dry but still shaking. It works.
And there it is—Juwon’s message.
From: Wonie
Hi love! I have a surprise for you for our fifth anniversary <3! We should meet at our fave place ya know! The surprise is there! I prepared it for months, I hope you'll like it.
And JL runs.
Juwon leaves the couple's place when the sun has already set. Shuaibo is insistent on letting him stay for dinner but he turns down the offer. He doesn't want to intrude in their lives more than he already has.
Juwon will be staying with his cousin in the meantime, Han already opened his vacant room for him. The only thing that's left to do is to gather his things and to do that he has to go back. To go home.
But he's not sure if he's ready to face it yet. He knows that he has to. But can you blame him for wanting to stay in a fragile illusion that he is still with JL? Even if it's only a part of him.
Juwon takes a cab and asks the driver to take him to a subdivision complex an hour away from where he is, where Han's apartment is located.
He sits quietly in the back, the soft hum of the vehicle filling the silence. His right hand wraps around his phone while the other fidgets with his phone charm—a small raccoon, matching JL's tiger one. Each represents the other’s favourite animal. Each a quiet reminder of the relationship they treasure.
Juwon sighs. He misses JL. The memory of how they picked the charms together flickers through his mind like a whisper.
So instead of crying again—which is embarrassing for him since he's in a cab—he turns to his phone instead, unlocking it. The screen lights up with a photo of him and JL, both smiling at the camera, their hands forming a heart.
It makes Juwon laugh a little. It was their first picture with their university jersey. The first one they did after getting to know each other more, forming a bond that they didn't think would break.
Juwon taps on the gallery application as he browses through it. There he sees thousands of memories with JL together, all in the form of images he never has the heart to delete.
There is a picture of JL with his ramen, the one he took for fun after they decided on a nightly getaway.
JL with Juwon, both of them wearing leather jackets and each throwing a peace sign.
JL and Shuaibo's silly photos they took on his phone when he wasn't looking.
JL's mirror selfies he often sends to Juwon when he suddenly feels dolling himself up.
JL's picture in different hair colours—this man just can't stick to one.
JL and Juwon's cheeks pressed on each other, both of them striking goofy smiles.
JL on his specs.
JL on his onesies.
JL is everywhere.
Tucked in every picture. Evident in every memory. He is there. And Juwon can't erase him. He doesn't even know if he ever will.
Juwon never felt JL’s absence as deeply as he does right now.
He tries to keep his tears at bay, he really does. He swallows the wail in his throat that attempts to be screamed as he subconsciously presses JL's number, hovering over his keyboard, wanting to text the man. Maybe just to say how much he loves him, tell him how much he means to Juwon. And how Juwon is ready to support him even if from afar.
Anything. Just so he can have the best excuse to hear his voice again.
But before he can type anything, he stops. His fingers tremble as his eyesight starts to blur.
A message was sent thirty minutes ago.
Sent to: Jayjay
Hi love! I have a surprise for you for our fifth anniversary <3! We should meet at our fave place ya know! The surprise is there! I prepared it for months, I hope you'll like it.
He doesn't remember sending a message today. But he remembers scheduling one, weeks ago. When he prepared a surprise for JL on their fifth anniversary.
There, Juwon lets his tears fall.
“Please turn the car around—take me here, please, it’s an emergency.”
JL is panting as he arrives at the foot of a mountain, just below their favourite place—a quiet spot on a small mountain behind their old university. It used to be his hiding place before it became theirs. Five years ago, he had taken Juwon here and asked him to be his. That night, this place became a shared memory, one they both held close.
Now, JL finds himself running up the stairs, breathless, desperate to reach it. To find Juwon—hoping he is still there. His legs throbs with pain as his throat burns with every gasp. He runs for what feels like eternity as he storms up the stairs.
And when he finally, finally reaches the spot. Their spot. He stands there, staring at Juwon at the other side of it, equally breathless as him albeit looking down, not noticing him yet.
JL doesn't know why, but he stands still, his heart hammering on his chest. He wants to hug Juwon, to run to him, and bury himself in the younger's arms. He wants to feel the warm embrace of Juwon, to find home once again—tucked somewhere inside the man he loves. But his feet stay rooted on the ground. Unable to move, to step forward.
He doesn't know if he has any right to do it.
He used to be certain, so sure of who he was to Juwon. But now that they’ve ended things—he ended things. He doesn't know anymore.
However all his worries fade as Juwon looks up at him, tears streaming down his face, and a glint of yearning visible in his eyes. JL is relieved, Juwon feels the same as him. For the first time since last night, he feels like he can breathe again. Juwon longs for him the same way that he does. That's the only assurance that he needs.
Juwon is about to run into him, with no hesitation but before he can do so, the night sky erupted into a flash of light—a fireworks display that startled them both.
JL couldn’t look away. The words spelled out in the air above them are clear.
Will you marry me, Jay Lawrence Gaspar?
JL is stunned, bewildered by what he’s just read. His chest feels even heavier, and tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He’s never felt so full yet so weighed down. He feels everything all at once—shock, sorrow, love, anguish. It twists inside him, leaving him trembling.
When JL looks back at Juwon, the younger man is staring at him, eyes blown wide, frozen still. His heart breaks at the way his Juwon looks so hurt as he takes a step back involuntarily as if there’s an invisible force pulling him back, away from JL.
He’s about to walk away, again, but JL doesn't let him this time.
JL bolts.
He runs.
And when he reaches Juwon, he hugs him so tightly he thinks they might both shatter from the pressure.
Juwon melts into him. Like he’s home.
God, how he missed this man.
Juwon cries in JL’s arms. And JL cries on Juwon’s shoulder. They shake in each other’s arms, holding on like they’ll drown if they let go.
Juwon knows full well what JL’s answer would be. So he settled with something he can claim, something he can work with. As long as it's with JL.
"Happy anniversary..?" Juwon asks between hiccups, clutching at JL’s shirt. A plea wrapped in a trembling voice. A quiet hope that maybe—just maybe—they can stay like this. A prayer that whispers: Please, you don’t have to answer. Just let me stay by your side.
"Happy anniversary."