Chapter Text
The gently rippling, grey-blue water laps at the hem of his silver robe as he sits on the grassy bank of Dongting Lake, uncaring of the dirt, his sharp chin resting on long, pale fingers interlaced together. The lazy sunlight of the autumn afternoon bathes him in a preternatural glow – making him appear like a jade statue – one crafted by the old, heavenly masters.
But if someone says that to the person concerned, they will coax nothing but a bitter laugh from him, that wouldn’t reach his deep eyes or make them crinkle at the corners.
Run Yu has forgotten to laugh like that a long time back.
“Little fish fairy, it’s ok to be a deer herder,” she said, looking at him with earnest, round eyes.
Run Yu stared and stared. And then, he stared some more before stealing a glance at his wrist. She had wrapped the red thread of fate around it so that he was a little less lonely. No one had ever given him something so precious. His lips curved up involuntarily.
Run Yu was not sentimental by nature. If anything, he was the exact opposite of sentimental. When your worldly possessions (and your life, and your freedom) could be taken away anytime, at someone’s whim, one could not afford to be sentimental. But this girl! Run Yu felt a tug in his heart when he looked at her. He was not made to desire anything – but to always be content with whatever he was given, like he was a cast-away second thought. He was told to be grateful for whatever he had, and even sometimes for things he didn’t have, but others claimed that he had – a sheltered life for example – which, if someone asked him, was not what he had been living. Everyone just assumed that he was happy gamboling with his little brother all around the Heavenly Palace, that it did not hide a belly-full of trauma at every corner – no, no, no one cared – but told him that it was his imagination only, except for the scars, but he never showed them to anyone, did he? He was proud. He did not want anyone’s pity.
The girl saw his scales and his scars. But she did not recoil. Nor did her eyes darken with sorrow. She treated him like a friend.
Who was she?
Run Yu found out soon enough.
She was his brother’s page boy. She was stolen by him from the Flower Realm. She was a grape demon, or a fruit fairy…or probably a reincarnated butterfly. She had tried to seduce the Second Prince…and there were many other rumours.
When Run Yu ran into the infamous pair in the Demon Realm and he wanted to buy the cute, little fairy those rabbit ears, Xu Feng came running and stood between them – closed off and a little angry.
“I have a bigger pearl for you,” he said to the startled vendor, threatening and low. “Sell it to me.”
Run Yu smiled at the little pout his brother displayed. But there was also a sudden burn at the back of his throat. Run Yu tried to brush it off. He had learnt to ignore a lot of things.
Then, they were off to catch the demon and Xu Feng, his chipmunk cheek little brother who had lost his baby fat and become a hardened warrior but Run Yu still saw the plump child in him, nearly got himself killed.
Run Yu panicked but did not let it show. Like always, he reined in his fear.
There was only one person in the world who stood up for him. What would he do without his little brother, the sweet boy who got hold of his little finger one day when he was lost and crying, crouched in the corner of the palace (because mother was mean to him again), who blew on his left cheek which was still red and the mark of five slender fingers stood out against his moonlight pale skin? His little ant who grew bigger and bigger, and became his chess partner, his soulmate who could read his thoughts, his partner-in-crime who would stand back-to-back with him against any enemy that came at them.
Xu Feng lived, the danger averted, Run Yu heaved a sigh of relief. Then, everything went back to normal. Xu Feng returned to light and Run Yu…to his darkness. He would lie if he said he did not enjoy the peace and quiet. He was a night person anyway. He enjoyed his work too much. It was tricky – with hardly any room for error. One tiny mistake, a hair-breadth of difference while placing the moon and the stars and calamity would ensue. Run Yu, being the perfectionist that he was, never made mistakes. He did not heed to the voices in his head whispering he was bestowed the job of Night Immortal to be forever away from everyone’s sight: his existence shameful in itself, being the bastard son of the Heavenly Emperor, always reminding everyone of the royal indiscretion. Run Yu had tried not to mind that he would never be allowed to shine, the great achievements or glories are all meant for…other people and he had no right to crave those things. He tried so hard that he convinced even himself how unworthy he was.
He was not lonely; he just had some wistful thinking. Like meeting with the grape fairy again. He always felt cold and this coldness had nothing to do with him being an ice dragon. He was actually terrified of cold which was somehow connected to the deep and unpleasant memories that were always on the edge of his consciousness. He did not recall his childhood, but Run Yu doubted he even wanted to remember. Some of those scars were too old – from before, much before he was brought to the Heavenly Palace.
Run Yu’s hands shook lightly when he tried to reach back into that memory. Yes, yes, it was better not to remember.
But when Grape fairy was nearby, somehow, the cold receded like magic.
Things were happening so fast around him. One day he was told that Jin Mi was his sister and he was not shocked. He had seen and experienced too many things to be taken by surprise easily and unlike Xu Feng, he knew their father well. He was not…disappointed.
It was, in fact, better. Run Yu was not sure if Xe Feng actually liked Jin Mi or if he was merely being competitive, being the epitome of ‘boys will be boys’, just posturing – like a peacock, because he wanted the pretty girl, the novel thing that entered their lives like a meteor, to take more notice of him. It was infinitely better if she was their sister. This way, both of them could share her affection – instead of competing for it.
Run Yu really did not want to compete with Xu Feng. Not only because he loved his brother, but also because he knew he would not be able to win in a fair match because he was set up to fail from the beginning. In a fair match, everything would be tipped in favour of Xu Feng – Run Yu just knew it. Their parents, their uncle: the Moon Immortal, and everyone near them had always favoured Xu Feng, the legitimate child, the one who had always had everything without asking, who was never spied upon round the clock, had never had to mind his every little gesture and speech and action all the time because one unintentional mistake and he would be obliterated. Xu Feng, who was naïve, bright as the sun – the one who did not need to hide his feelings because being honest and upfront could get him a beating or, worse still, locked up in a cold dark place without food for days. He, who was never an afterthought.
Run Yu had known for a long time, there was no ‘fair’ fight in this world.
Xu Feng could afford to be straight as an arrow because he would never be punished or punished too severely for any apparent transgression. Whatever he wanted he would do without thinking about consequences, weighing pros and cons carefully. He could rebel without being harshly reprimanded while Run Yu being the epitome of gentle obedience would get wrongly accused and punished so routinely that it had almost started not to bother him anymore. Almost.
But Run Yu also had wanted to rebel at times. He was made of flesh and blood after all. But he had always held back.
So, it was good that she was not someone who could be desired that way by either of them. This way, Run Yu could always share her warmth, bask in her affection, without a jealous Xu Feng charging in and shoving him away.
“Sister,” he whispered to himself when he was alone, tasting the word on his tongue. He smiled to himself. They had a sister to protect now: one who did not understand the difference between a man and a woman or what ‘romantic love’ was. Yes, Run Yu realized it with just a few brief meetings with her. He did not know how Xu Feng could be so blind. He laughed a little bit at his dumb brother.
But then…
He overheard what he should not have.
Turned out, she was not their sister at all, but the daughter of Water Immortal, the one who was promised to him before both of them were born.
He was flabbergasted and he almost came out from his hiding place to confront Water Immortal, but something held him back. The habit of acting on impulse had been…beaten out of him, if he put it mildly.
Run Yu had to think quick and fast. He did everything before he realized what he was doing. Later, when he thought back on what he had done, his skin crawled. At the same time, he also vaguely remembered the desperation: he must secure Water Immortal’s blessing because Xu Feng had already muddied the water by appearing in front of Jin Mi before Run Yu, now the only chance for him was to convince her father first: of the fact that Run Yu would give the blood of his entire heart and even more for Jin Mi. His method was underhanded but his words were absolute truth, he consoled himself.
When one went down the wrong path, one could find a lot of excuses, as he found out later.
He reminded himself how he had waited for her for a long time. Yes, he did not despise his loneliness, and yes, he loved his work, but he dreamed…ah, how longingly he dreamed of a beloved figure, shadowing his movements, the cosmic dance he danced every night to hang the constellations in the night sky. How many centuries had he thirsted for a single touch…slim, delicate fingers touching his brow, a sweet little face, hiding in his chest, a pair of small feet tangled with his own in the milky-white, morning light – a pair of shy, hesitant lips caressing his throat – how many times he had hugged his knees to his chest and imagined how it must have felt to be truly desired, to be touched like he mattered the most in the entire universe – how many, many long afternoons he daydreamed away thinking what if…what if…
And there she was in flesh and blood.
Run Yu decided he would not let her go.
She did not know what love was, and he would teach her. He would love her so much which will be enough for both. He would make her the centre of his own cosmos, his personal moon. He would love her to the brim.
He plotted. Because his mind was all that he had. He wove his net like a spider and when the dominos fell, he was a little horrified at what he had done.
There was blood in Jin Mi’s hands. Xu Feng's blood.
It was not supposed to be like that.
He did not…he could not look at the body lying on the floor – bloodied and so pitiful. That was not his brother who cried when he could not find Run Yu when they were playing hide and seek and Run Yu hid so well because he knew all the best places as he had practice hiding from the Heavenly Empress.
No, that was not…
No, Run Yu would not look.
No one looked when Jin Mi’s mother was molested and imprisoned, humiliated and forced to throw herself into the abyss. No one batted an eyelid when his birth mother, driven mad by grief and rage, mangled her own child’s body or was finally killed with casual cruelty even when Run Yu begged and begged on his hands and knees until his voice grew hoarse…no one came running when Run Yu begged again, humiliated and prostrated himself in front of his mother’s killer, the heavenly empress, and declared how his mother was a criminal just to save his adoptive brothers and his mothers's innocent tribe…
No one came and sought justice when he suffered through the punishment of thirty thousand heavenly thunders simply because he was weak and defenseless and had no power to stop the evil from triumphing. It was a miracle that Run Yu lived through that. The heavenly empress knew that and so did his father, who was a silent spectator all along - looking on and calculating what would benefit him the most - and, of course, Run Yu's life did not have that much value in his eyes, or the fact that he might be unjustly tortured to death...
No one came. Or even put up a mild protest. And it had gone too far - ruining too many lives.
Xu Feng certainly never came. Except for a perfunctory "sorry your mother died" and even then, the real purpose of that visit was not offering Run Yu condolences but to request (order) him to break off the engagement - even knowing very well, breaking off the engagement that the Heavenly Emperor made would be punishable, and of course, it would be Run Yu, who would be punished. This time, it would probably be a death sentence. Or an exile to the mortal world and then death by the hands of the assassins sent by the Heavenly Empress when Run Yu was vulnerable.
Run Yu had enough. With the entire charade and with Xu Feng too who was still bent on supporting his mother.
It was either this or that – you cannot have it both ways.
If his brother did not die, he would not have let it pass. He would have defended his evil parents to death. And Jin Mi, poor, sweet Jin Mi, would have supported him all the way, and in turn, would indirectly support her parents’ rapist and murderer.
Sui He just happened to hold the crystal fire. The murderer was the Empress.
Run Yu was not the least bit sorry.
He could have killed his father, instead of giving him a drug, he could have given him poison. But he only planned to imprison him and bring his myriad crimes to the light – and to hold a trial. Death was too good for him.
He could have easily forced the former Heavenly Empress to fall to her death, like she did to Jin Mi's mother, but he saved her instead. Because death was too good for her.
In the end, both died, but never repented.
Not. Even. Once.
Of course, Run Yu was branded as the murderer, the usurper, and many things beside, by the Xu Feng brigade. Maybe, he was, but he could not bring himself to regret what he had done.
As for Xu Feng, though…
Run Yu saw his ghost every night. Sometimes they drank together like they used to do. He told the ghost Xu Feng conversationally how he wished him not ever to be born – the burning envy, where did it even come from? He used to adore his brother.
Then, he looked at Jin Mi and he understood.
Jin Mi, who still loved Xu Feng. Jin Mi, who had given Xu Feng her body and her soul even when she was still engaged to Run Yu. And Run Yu could only look on helplessly and crush a porcelain cup in his hand, blood dripping on the white marble floor, but Run Yu feeling numb – and, finally, the coldness returning, the slow seeping of the frigid water into the marrow of his bones – drip by drip – drip by drip.
Jin Mi who would go through hell trying to bring Xu Feng back to life, and Run Yu could only, pathetically, look on, help cure her wounds, give her his life essence whenever she needed, however much she needed. Treating her, caring for her, again and again - when all she cared for was Xu Feng.
Run Yu had already laid his heart beneath Jin Mi’s feet and it was hers to trample on, wasn’t it? Run Yu had no reason to complaint.
Run Yu felt both relief and dread in equal measure when Xu Feng was revived. The tampering with his medicine was a new low even for him.
He laughed to himself, startling Kuang lu, who was serving tea. It was entirely mirthless.
“My lord?”
“It’s nothing.” Run Yu tried to wave her away, chortling until his eyes were blurry.
Kuang Lu was silent and motionless for a few moments before stepping closer. She made an aborted gesture, like she wanted to touch his hand, but thought better of it in the last second.
“If it’s nothing, my lord, why are you crying?”
Run Yu stopped and stilled himself.
“It’s late,” he said tonelessly. “Go home.”
Kuang Lu still did not move.
“I SAID, LEAVE ME ALONE!”
Kuang Lu started. This was the first time he had yelled at her so harshly.
Well, there was a first for everything.
Run Yu knew he had made her cry. That was probably his intention. She should not be here, or, more specifically, with the person Run Yu had turned into. And now, he could not go back. He could just go forward.
As predicted, all the hell broke loose. Everything Run Yu dreaded happened one after the other and Jin Mi was…she was looking at him with eyes that were drowning in grief and Run Yu, he had never felt so afraid in his life – not even when Su Li flayed his dragon scales, held him down and ripped them off one by one even as he kept on screaming because it hurt, and saw off his tender horns. Everything was coming undone – Run Yu was coming undone and the thread was held by Jin Mi – her soft little hands, her sweet doe eyes, now full of deep hate. But she did not know, she never knew.
From the very start, it was like that. Jin Mi could make him or break him to pieces. It was not her fault. None of it was her fault. Even when she left him – broken, distraught and not quite sane – Run Yu could not blame her. He was toxic; full of hate and greed for the things he never experienced: parental affection, family ties…a guardian angel to protect him, friends to soothe his scarred heart…a companion for life…peace, everlasting peace…a small fragment of this vast sky…a little, humble home and quiet laughter…
“Jin Mi, can you love me a little each day…and days will turn into months and months will turn into years…and years into centuries. Can you try? Just a little?” he had begged the morning after the night he witnessed his brother making sweet love to Jin Mi.
Maybe, Jin Mi was right. He was not human, but a monster. No human could endure what he had endured, including that vision in the dream bubble.
He wanted to burn down the world. His heart had turned to ashes anyway, so it mattered little anymore. He knew he was to die at the end of it all. May as well take down the world with him. He did not care for it any more than it cared for him.
Run Yu put on his armour or he tried to. His head spun and he fell on the floor in a graceless heap.
“Your Majesty!” Kuang Lu knelt beside him. “It’s the bloodletting ritual. I told you not to do it. I begged you…and yet…”
Run Yu raised a hand to stop her flow of words.
“It’s alright,” he whispered hoarsely.
“It’s not alright,” she protested. “You tended to Immortal Jin Mi again and again and gave her all your essence. If not for you, she’d have…”
‘Huh,’ a voice inside Run Yu hummed, ‘directly or indirectly, if not for you, she wouldn’t have been hurt so much in the first place!’
“Leave, I’ll take care of it,” he ordered brusquely.
When Kuang Lu still hesitated, he gathered all his strength and stood up – back ramrod straight, head held high.
“Leave,” he said icily and Kuang Lu obeyed but before she turned her head, he could see her long eyelashes were wet with unshed tears.
No more, he thought to himself. I would not make you cry anymore, sweet child. It would all be over soon.
But he was so weak. The question was how could he stand in front of Xu Feng and try to reclaim what was rightfully his?
‘What a joke,’ the voice hummed again. ‘There was nothing that was rightfully yours, let alone Jin Mi.’
‘Who are you?’ Run Yu asked, more curious than irritated. He was used to people spitting on him. Now it seemed his inner self had joined the fun.
‘I’m inside you,’ the voice said. ‘And believe it or not, I’m your friend.’
Run Yu wanted to laugh but his lips had forgotten how to curve upward. He just raised an eyebrow quizzically. Then, he listened closely. It appeared, the voice was wise and it had a novel idea.
Run Yu released Qiongqi and absorbed the demon into his self.
When he looked at Xu Feng, one bright phoenix among the dark sea of the demon soldiers, head held high, posture proud and regal, he thought he would feel small, and insignificant, not because he felt inferior or powerless; contrary to what people believed, Run Yu never felt inferior to his brother, because he never imagined competing with him that way, because both of them were polar opposite and had their own strength and weakness and there was no question of one being superior and the other inferior. No, it was not that at all. But because that was his kid brother; he caused his death once, even if he truly did not desire that particular outcome, and then, Run Yu wanted him to stay dead.
However, as it happened, he did not feel small…he did not feel anything, in fact. The numbness had returned.
He took one look at Jin Mi, across the battlefield, standing quietly behind Xu Feng like a shadow, her lips quivering but her eyes turned to flint as she bent her gaze towards him.
Was it worth it to try to kill his brother again?
‘It absolutely is,’ the voice gleefully answered. ‘Kill the bastard and take back your prize.’
This time, finally, Run Yu remembered the forgotten curve and smiled, a brief flash, that passed before it registered. He knew it was his demon speaking.
‘That doesn’t work on me,’ he said mildly. ‘I have too many of you inside my heart.’
The demon who was speaking with him was frightened and cowered in the corner.
‘Be gone,’ Run Yu ordered softly. ‘My brother is not a bastard, I am, and Jin Mi is not a prize but a piece of my heart.’
He charged.
Run Yu gazes at the placid lake and hums: a lullaby that Su Li sang to him to chase his nightmares away, most of which were induced by her anyway, but Run Yu would lie in his mother's lap, pale, still and hushed, like a porcelain doll.
He remembers it now.
Run Yu had also broken his yan pill himself, like Jin Mi. That was also fed to him by his mother. The Heavenly Empress was his mother too, who tricked him to forget Su Li and his entire childhood to take him to the Heavenly Palace to be a pawn in her hand to threaten the Emperor, and also to be a plaything to vent her anger at her husband whenever she pleased. While for Jin Mi the Yan Pill suppressed her emotion, Run Yu’s worked to suppress his memory. Run Yu did not know which one was worse.
He must tell Jin Mi about it one day. Then, he remembers he cannot just go to Jin Mi for a casual chat anymore. He has lost that right completely and irrevocably. And it was his own damn fault.
And now he would never be able to make amends, he bitterly thinks, as he turns into stone, bit by bit.
Suddenly, he realises he is floating in the air and he looks down and sees he is also sitting by the lake: Run Yu himself but not quite himself, an ivory statue seated with casual grace on the bank of the lake from where he hauled himself up, once a long time ago, so that he could stop breathing and his mother's suffering would end (his too, his too).
He has finally succeeded.
A lone tear has rolled down the statue’s left cheek and there it remains, frozen, until it disappears as the warm fingers of the afternoon sun caresses the lifeless face gently.
So, that is how it ends!