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If he was going to be completely honest with himself, Amane didn't not like dinosaurs. Not even a little. They were massive and violent and scary. He would wake up from bad dreams where they chased him down, never catching him but it always felt like they could. They were the scariest kind of reptile and the worst thing to visit.
But Tsukasa liked dinosaurs. Tsukasa loved to stare at their skeletons and show him pictures of what they might have looked like alive and talk about how big their teeth were, how sharp their claws were. He lit up like a star when he heard even the smallest mention of them.
So Amane pretended he didn't hate dinosaurs and he wasn't scared in the slightest when they went to that exhibit on them. He didn't hide behind their father or cling to their mother and avoid so much as glancing at the bones of the ancient reptiles.
That didn't mean he showed any enthusiasm towards them. He approached with caution like you would a stray cat, staying just behind the more excited twin. He listened to Tsukasa chatter the same way Tsukasa always listened when Amane talked about space. He tried to enjoy it for his sake.
Because Amane hated dinosaurs, but he loved Tsukasa.
_______
Some things, Hanko reasoned, never get easier.
This was true. In 50 years, plenty of things had gotten easier to deal with. He wasn't scared of dinosaurs anymore. He could handle blood better than he ever had when he was alive. His responsibilities got easier with each passing day and he could juggle being the happy-go-lucky Hanako-kun and the serious and steadfast Honorable Number Seven with ease.
The ongoing combat with his feelings, though? He hadn't managed to gain any ground on that. It wasn't an easy thing to grasp. He couldn't just say it out loud. He couldn't talk to anyone about it to start with. When he was alive, he swore he would take it to his grave and take it he did. He didn't expect to have to deal with it after the fact.
Hanako wanted so badly to detach from it all. Step away from the conflict, the confusion, the nausea, the twist in his gut, the self hatred, the knowledge that he was wrong and he was sick. He wanted to forget about all of it and be normal. He wanted to be able to look people in the eye and not worry that they could see his sickening thoughts. He wanted to stop replaying his life and wondering how many people around them knew. How many times did he accidentally hurt him with it? How many times did he cross the line? How many people insisted it wasn't his fault, but Tsukasa's?
Oh, God. He always got hung up on that part. People possibly blaming his brother for his twisted perversions. Tsukasa didn't do this. He didn't do anything. He'd always been an innocent party to Hanako's- no Amane's- messed up fantasies. Tsukasa didn't know what went on in his head. Tsukasa just wanted to spend time with his brother. To feel cherished by someone. It was never Tsukasa's fault that Amane had wanted more.
Hanako clutched his stomach as it turned and covered his mouth with his other hand. He made himself sick. That would never change.
_______
Tsukasa had said he was curious. Tsukasa was always curious, though. It didn't matter what was brought up, he wanted to know. It was in his nature. His big, round eyes were always looking out for something new to ask a billion questions about until their parents’ voices were tired and they asked very nicely for him to go and play with his brother, please.
Amane thought it was sweet. Exhausting, but sweet. His twin never seemed to be out of questions or exploration ideas or games to play. He'd say that Tsukasa was the creative one between them. The one drawing the sky while Amane tried to study it. The one pulling people in while Amane naturally shut them out. His better half.
His curiosity was verging on a line Amane was positive they shouldn't cross though.
I don't understand why it's such a big deal! How is kissing someone else any different than kissing Mom or Dad? Tsukasa said it so nonchalantly, so innocently. He didn't know that Amane's brain was going Into overdrive trying to comprehend what they were talking about.
Well you wouldn't feel the same way about kissing a girl as you would kissing Mom, would you?
Ew. Tsukasa's face twisted, his nose scrunching up and his lips pouting as he thought about it. Amane felt like a knife pierced his stomach but he didn't say anything. Kissing a girl sounds gross.
Maybe that's your answer?
But then why does everyone else talk about wanting to kiss girls if it's gross? C'mon, Amane, you gotta know something right? Do you wanna kiss girls?
Girls were the last thing on Amane's mind right now. He squinted a little harder at his book and made a conscious effort not to look at Tsukasa no matter how hard he was trying to get in his face. The tips of his ears were hot and he hoped for the third time since this conversation started that his brother didn't notice his distress.
I don't really think about it much, Tsu.
There was silence for a moment. The fan blew quietly in the corner and the soft chime of the ornaments in their window echoed softly. Cicadas screamed and if Amane focused he was sure he could hear their parents shuffling around after finishing cleaning up.
…Do you wanna kiss boys, then?
Tsukasa said it so softly, so quietly, like he knew it might be a strange concept. There was no judgement, no shame behind it. Just a real question. The words of the page blurred and Amane choked something down.
Maybe? I told you I don't think about it.
He felt Tsukasa leaning in more than he saw it. The presence his brother always had about him was noticeable even before Amane knew he was there. It was like he had a sense for him. The warmth of his brother's body was so much against the cool skin of his arm, and even more so the feeling of his tongue on his cheek, licking a stripe up to the edge of his eye.
Was he crying?
Its okay, ‘Mane. I won't tell anyone if you do. I think you should be allowed to kiss boys if you want to.
Amane couldn't tell him that it made him sick to think about it. That the idea of kissing anyone made his skin crawl and bile rise in his throat. That there was only one person in the whole world, the whole galaxy, that he would ever want to kiss. He couldn't tell him that the closest he was ever going to get were cheek pecks and foreheads bumping when he was feverish. Hands held in the dark when they couldn't sleep. Leaning on each other when they spent too long out at night.
Amane wished the sky would open up and swallow him whole.
_______
It was easier to pretend than it was to admit that he was desperate for things to stay the same. It was easier to close his eyes and tell himself that he was the only one with these feelings and they hadn't somehow grown in someone else. It was so easy to deny himself the things he dreamed of every day since he woke up in his boundary. That made it significantly harder when he was forced to face it head on.
Why couldn't they keep ignoring it? Why did he have to poke and prod and make a fuss about it? Things weren't fine but they were easy. Did they really need this?
Hanako still couldn't look him in the eye. He was flushed from head to toe, wrists clasped in familiar hands and his back pressed to a wall. He wanted to slip through the floor and find somewhere to hide. Tsukasa would find him again, of course, because that's how it had always been. Even a few minutes to compose himself would have been better than this.
Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. His chest hurt. He didn't need to breathe but he felt like the option was stolen from him. Tsukasa's gaze felt so heavy. Yet he still didn't feel like he was being judged. Even knowing what Hanako wanted, Tsukasa's eyes were filled with acceptance and fondness and that same extreme adoration they always were. It tore him up inside.
“Awwww don't cry, Amane! If you wanted to kiss me you could've just asked!”
That didn't make it better. Hanako's stomach churned and he felt his knees turn to jello. He couldn't just let Tsukasa do this. He couldn't let Tsukasa hurt himself to make him happy. Not again.
“Tsukasa we really shouldn't-”
Tsukasa whined loudly, cutting Hanako’s protests short.
“Stop holding out on me! I thought we were past that already.”
Hanako made the mistake of looking at Tsukasa. He was pouting, lips pushed out and brows furrowed. His eyes were as shiny as ever but he felt like his pupils had widened, even just a little. He had the faintest blush crossing his face and it made Hanako's head spin just a little.
Cute. He's so cute.
“If you want something from me, then you should just take it. Anything that's mine is yours too.”
“Don't… don't just say things like that.” Hanako looked back to the side, dropping his head to hide his face. His heart twinged with happiness, excitement, and he prayed for it to go away.
Tsukasa didn't know what he was saying. Sure they were dead now and there were hardly any consequences if Hanako did stop holding back. They couldn't be separated. Tsukasa wouldn't be pulled away from him. Hanako wouldn't be shunned for the way he loved him. There was even a much lesser chance of them being noticed. Hanako couldn't just let it go, though.
He squirmed against Tsukasa's hand and tried to find a way out of his grip. It wasn't a surprise that Tsukasa was physically stronger than him. He would always win against him in a physical match, but Hanako had hoped that he could slip out this time. The hope was squashed as Tsukasa tightened his grip.
“Amane.”
Shut up and do it.
Hanako couldn't tell if his stomach rolled because the thought of giving in made him sick with himself or if he was happy to be ordered around. He wasn't sure he wanted to risk unpacking that either.
In reality, it didn't matter if he was going to unpack it. Hanako felt Tsukasa's hand slip under his chin and force him to make eye contact. Hanako's heart dropped into his stomach. Tsukasa's half lidded eyes as he leaned into him had his head fuzzy enough that he couldn't think straight.
“Tsu-”
Their lips crashed together and Hanako swore time stopped. It felt wrong, but it felt right. He knew he was crying but he knew that he was happy. There was so much conflict inside of him and he wished for once it could go away.
Tsukasa let go of his wrists to slide his hand down to Hanako's waist and hold him there in place. Even with the new freedom, Hanako couldn't bring himself to move away. He let Tsukasa pull him in closer, let him nip at his lips and dig his canines into the skin. He felt grateful for the sting and the taste of iron that came with it. He whined when Tsukasa pulled away, reaching out pathetically to try and pull his brother back in.
“Please,” Hanako mumbled desperately “Please don't stop, Tsukasa…”
And when Tsukasa dove back in, Hanako let himself reciprocate.