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Oikawa Tooru is unusual.
It may sound a little odd coming from Iwaizumi, who has been friends with him for years, but it’s true.
Oikawa is the type to run around while holding a sticky, dripping ice cream in one hand and a jacket in another. He is the only person Iwaizumi knows who makes a child cry for the reason that they are way too mean with another kid and still be brazen when the parents confront him. He will pick a fight with him, and beg on his knees once the consequences catch up to him. He is an asshole, but a tolerable one. Perhaps he is even an asshole Iwaizumi would like to keep.
The only thing, however, is that Oikawa is not consistent. Sometimes he is nice. Sometimes he does things that make Iwaizumi stare, mind in awe while Oikawa is blissfully unaware. There are times that he can count on one finger when Oikawa would just quietly gaze upon him. He would ignore it, but he knew it was there.
Of course, moments of heated anger didn’t slip past their fingers. When Iwaizumi is already at his wit’s end, and Oikawa would add up to the piling turmoil in his heart, they would argue. It would either be a quarrel loud enough to make the neighbor’s dog bark, or a silent standoff of intense gazes and sealed lips for days.
Those are the moments that Iwaizumi knew for sure that they were friends. Just friends. People who are more than that don’t fight like tomorrow is ending. People who are more than that are consistent, and their feelings show.
Oikawa’s don’t.
Iwaizumi isn’t dumb, nor was he dense. If Oikawa did feel something for him, he’d know. Except he couldn’t, because there were no feelings involved. It’s just how he is.
Playful. Full of love. Oblivious to his influence.
Iwaizumi wished that he could find a narrow crack to his evidently high walls. A small pathway for him to squeeze himself in.
For example, an accidental slip of tongue. A faint ‘you’ when Iwaizumi asks what he wants. Something to tell him that he is willing to open his heart for him.
This is not to confess that Iwaizumi feels something for his best friend. It’s easy enough to admit it if he was, but he always felt as if there was something holding him back. He hadn't fallen yet, but he might as well have.
Because when Oikawa looks a lot like he was painted by the sun itself, it makes it harder for Iwaizumi to breathe. When Oikawa looks at him like this, he can’t find a word to begin his sentence with.
“Iwa, you’re staring again.”
Oikawa blinked twice, then again when Iwaizumi’s gaze just dropped to his own lap instead of replying. Iwaizumi is sure that the former is overthinking things again. It's evident just from the way he’s swinging back and forth. He can't exactly tell him off though, because that will only trigger him into asking questions.
Iwaizumi timidly smiled at the thought. It’s funny how he can already read what’s going on in his mind despite not being able to see him. He wonders when their minds started to collapse into one.
He twitched when Oikawa suddenly leaned in, leveling their heads and finding a way to catch his gaze. Oikawa looked like he was gauging his reaction, his gaze travelling from one corner of his face to another.
“Earth to Iwa-chan? Hello?” He called out once again, and this time around, Iwaizumi sighed as a response.
He stared at Oikawa, feigning ignorance.
“Why?”
Oikawa’s brow shot up. Iwaizumi readied himself for his questions, but he heard none. Instead, Oikawa's neck craned around as if he's scanning the surroundings.
When he finished, a smile popped out of his lips.
“Wanna go downtown?”
Iwaizumi stares. Partially because the way the wind blew his brown hair painted a beautiful scenery, and partially because there's nothing more captivating than a guy whose eyes are always trained on him.
“Your ride.” Iwaizumi simply replied.
They took Oikawa's scooter. It was coated in a bright mint green color, just like how Oikawa always wanted his things to be. Noticeable, striking. Iwaizumi refused to drive, so Oikawa was left with no choice but to take the handlebars.
Iwaizumi was quiet for most of the ride. He just let Oikawa blabber while he listened. His eyes were focused on the side mirror where the face in front of him was reflected on. It was quite weird since the sunset is beginning to dampen the sky with its hues, but he can't take his eyes away from the view of Oikawa's mouth.
The streets of the town were slowly becoming bare, with the people rushing back home after a long day. Somehow, it feels like the perfect place to lounge about. Maybe Oikawa knew this, and maybe it's the reason why he asked him.
Iwaizumi glanced at the back of Oikawa's head when he halted to a stop. He removed his helmet, then signaled him to remove his too.
Oikawa ran his fingers through his hair. “We're here.”
Iwaizumi’s eyes glazed through the establishments with confusion. “This is it?”
A laugh burst out of Oikawa's mouth, and it took Iwaizumi all his strength to not drop what he was holding.
“Yeah! This one here has the best view of the whole town.” He pointed to one of the old buildings.
“This better be worth it.” Iwaizumi grumbled.
“It already is.”
Iwaizumi raised a brow, but Oikawa just shrugged and quickly ran up the stairs beside the property's wall. “Come on!”
He watched as Oikawa ascended the steps before following shortly. When they reached the rooftop, both of them were chasing their breaths. The building was goddamn tall, and even with a player's stamina, there's no way that they'd reach it sweat-free.
Still, Oikawa is right and the view really did compensate for the amount of energy it took them to get there.
Oikawa pulled an abandoned chair and positioned it near the railings. He sat there without so much as a glance at Iwaizumi. The gesture didn't matter for Iwaizumi who was already way too familiar with his actions. Even if a part of him longed for him to look back.
Iwaizumi slowly walked up to him with a broken table in his hand. His eyes are glued to the sunset cascading over the entire town as he sat down beside him.
“Iwa-chan.”
There it was. His voice paired with that damned nickname. He always thought that it sounded a bit too ambitious, especially with people always misunderstanding them simply because of its existence.
And yet he hasn't done anything to stop it from coming out of his mouth.
“What.” He flatly replied, refusing to let any of his thoughts bleed out.
“What are your plans?”
There was no context to his question, but it clicked right away for Iwaizumi. They have been dancing around this topic for months now, and with graduation looming over them, it's getting harder for Iwaizumi to keep on rejecting the idea.
It's just that… his decision will probably be a hard pill to swallow.
“I'm going to college,” he settles with the easiest answer.
Oikawa did not react to that. Iwaizumi glanced at him, but his eyes were focused on the scenery in front of them.
“I'm planning to take sports science.” Iwaizumi added after a minute of pure silence.
“I see.”
Iwaizumi was surprised with his lack of concern.
No.
It's not a lack of concern. It was more like he already accepted it. Like he foresaw the path Iwaizumi was going to take.
“That's it?” Iwaizumi couldn't help but ask.
Oikawa gave him a side glance. “That's what?”
“You're not… pissed off?”
Oikawa laughed, which made Iwaizumi even baffled. He faced Iwaizumi, his chin propped against his palm.
“Why would I be?”
“Because—well, I thought you'd want us to be together, like, with volleyball…”
There was a moment of silence. Then Oikawa laughed again, but it was harder this time.
“What the fuck?” Iwaizumi threw him an old rag, but Oikawa was able to shield himself while still laughing.
“My God, you're so funny,” he wheezed.
Iwaizumi's brows tightened. “You were always dramatic. The hell. I thought you'd at least beg me not to go.”
Oikawa wiped the tears in his eyes, before properly facing Iwaizumi.
“I knew, Iwa-chan.”
“Knew what?” Iwaizumi replied, still a bit annoyed.
“What you wanted,” he smiled.
Iwaizumi paused. His eyes looked for any indicator of a lie in his expression, but the way Oikawa was smiling up at him prevented him from finding any.
This is unfair. He never had the chance to truly get mad at him because he always does this. Flashing a smile. Rendering him speechless. How are they going to have one decent argument if he always finds a way to flame down his anger?
“Aaaah,” Oikawa stretches his body. “You’re so easy to read.”
Iwaizumi couldn't formulate a comeback to his teasing. He remained seated, posture straightened, eyes once again fixed on the sky. He tried to watch it. Attempted to watch something that isn’t any part of Oikawa’s face.
“Are you not going to ask what I'm going to do after graduation?” Oikawa suddenly asks, voice tinged with expectancy.
“You're continuing volleyball.” Iwaizumi says as a matter of fact.
Oikawa chuckled. “Well. Yeah. In Argentina.”
He knew it. Of course he's continuing his passion, that was who he had always been. Volleyball was— wait. Where?
“Huh?” Iwaizumi sharply turned his head in his direction, eyes questioning.
Oikawa shot him a brief, sideways glance, “I'm going pro. In Argentina.” Then shifted his eyes away.
Iwaizumi dryly laughed. Okay. So what was he expecting, dropping this important information just now when they have only like what, a month left before graduation?
It was faint, but Iwaizumi felt a bitter pang in his chest. Fuck it. He's proud of him. He’s always going to be happy for any decision Oikawa might set his heart on. But why?
Why say now? Why not a year ago? A few months before the end of this year? Last month? Yesterday?
Iwaizumi clenched his fist before slowly unclenching it. He could have given them enough time, but instead he decided to just say it now.
“Iwa-chan?”
“Congratulations.”
He faced him after calming down his expression. There was an obvious tension in the air, but neither of them chose to acknowledge it.
A hesitant smile perked up Oikawa's face. “Ah.”
Iwaizumi sweeped his gaze over his body. It might be unrecognizable to some, but it was clear as day for him. Oikawa is trembling.
“So, have you found a place to live in?” Iwaizumi decided to direct the topic somewhere positive. He might be disappointed, or even mad, but he also cannot bear to see his best friend shaking over something he should be glad about.
It's a small compromise. Just befitting the small time they have left.
“Not sure yet. We're still looking.” He says as if the topic no longer holds his interest.
Iwaizumi wasn't sure what to say. Should he open another topic? Would it be better to just leave this subject behind?
“Hanamaki–”
“Which college–”
They both stopped. Iwaizumi stared at him, waiting for him to continue. Oikawa stared back at him, as if he’s also waiting.
Then a hiccup escaped Oikawa's throat.
“Pft.” Iwaizumi couldn’t help but cackle, and Oikawa was left red-faced in shock.
“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa covered his face as another hiccup resounded out of his mouth.
Iwaizumi just laughed. Oikawa continued to complain, one hiccup after another. The rest of the minute passed with Iwaizumi having the entertainment of his life, and Oikawa trying to regain his dignity.
When the hiccups stopped, Iwaizumi's laugh also wavered until it came to a halt.
Oikawa is covering his mouth, his attention somewhere else. Iwaizumi took this opportunity to watch him.
He kind of regretted not doing this often. He had the access, it was all for free. He could have sculpted every fiber of his being if he so wanted, but something always held him back. It was easy to just say that their friendship would suffer if he made the wrong move, except hearing it felt as cowardly as accepting it.
Would it be wrong to wish that he can hold him beyond fleeting touches?
“You’re staring.”
Oikawa peeked at him, and Iwaizumi only chuckled.
“You always do that.” Oikawa pointed out again. This time, he looked like he wanted an answer.
“I’m just thinking of how I can dumb down your dumbness.”
Oikawa stood up, his hands reaching out before his feet could catch up. He cupped Iwaizumi's cheeks gently in his palms.
“Yeah? You’re the reason why Hanamaki and Kunimi always say that we’re like the team couple.” He says as he pressed both his palms against his cheeks.
Iwaizumi did not reply and only looked away. He knows that staring too much will not lead to anything good. Not when they’re this close.
“Remember when we had a practice match with Karasuno? You didn’t leave my side, not even once! So now, even Chibi-chan thinks that we’re that!”
Oikawa pressed even harder, so Iwaizumi had to tap his arms. It seems like he got what the taps meant though, and quickly let go of his cheeks.
Iwaizumi placed a hand to his face. “It’s also because of you, dumbass. You keep calling me that nickname.”
Oikawa thought for a moment, then snickered. “It’s ‘cause you look like a kid. You look like some kid who’d kick an adult and still be the one who’d fall.”
Iwaizumi playfully punched his arm, the force just enough to make Oikawa sway slightly. Oikawa did not retaliate, but threw his head back and laughed, the sound of it lighter than his previous ones.
Ah.
Iwaizumi didn’t need a reminder to know that he’s staring. Again. Like any other times when Oikawa does something.
Isn’t this like, obsessive?
Well, he couldn’t care less. Best friend or not, Oikawa is someone who can easily get someone addicted. That’s not Iwaizumi’s fault.
“But honestly,” Oikawa said a moment after laughing. He sat beside the creaking table, and Iwaizumi had to compose himself that same moment to not get caught again.
“I can’t blame them.” He drawls out.
“For what?” Iwaizumi asks.
“For questioning our relationship.”
Oikawa turned his gaze to him, its intensity enough to burn his skin. He wanted to avert it, to look away, but it felt way too heavy to just ignore.
“Why?” He carefully replied.
“Just… if you weren’t my best friend, I could probably fall in love with you.” He explains in a quiet voice, eyes now fixed on the floor.
Iwaizumi wanted to punch his own chest as soon as he said that.
What the hell.
What the hell is wrong with him?
“You’re crazy.” Iwaizumi says, almost a whisper.
Oikawa let out a chuckle. “Am I?”
Iwaizumi’s chest heaved up and down. At that moment, he was thankful that Oikawa wasn’t looking at him. Because a sight of his eyes could possibly melt him down.
“You’re kind, Iwa-chan.” He traced the table where they were sitting. “You think I didn’t notice?”
A sigh came out of his lips. It was not angry nor was it sad. It just felt bare. Insubstantial.
“You were pissed off. Maybe not pissed off, but you were certainly not happy. I know, because I know you.” Oikawa’s gaze locked onto him, making him flinch.
“Me going abroad, it wasn’t sudden. I wanted it. I really do. It’s just that,” he lowered his head. “I was afraid to tell you.”
Iwaizumi bit the inside of his lower lip, not knowing exactly what to do. This was all a surprise to him. He was willing to forget whatever feelings he had for the whole Argentina thing, but Oikawa bringing it up himself was something he did not expect.
“You always told me to speak my mind out. To not be scared of saying things to you but…”
Oikawa smiled, and it looked sad. Maybe. Hopefully.
“I thought you’d be hurt. We were friends for so long, Iwa-chan.”
Iwaizumi wanted to hold his face up. He wanted to make him look at him, but instead, he just gently tapped his shoulder.
“I wouldn’t be hurt by something that will make you happy, Oikawa.”
Was what he said, but it was a total lie.
It did hurt him. Not the idea, but the act itself. Being left behind, knowing that he will achieve greater things but Iwaizumi would no longer be there to see it for himself. It does hurt, and will probably hurt for who knows how long.
“It was sudden for me. You could have told me sooner. But that’s it. If you think that what you said was enough to hurt me, then maybe you don’t know me that much yet.” Iwaizumi added, to which Oikawa laughed.
“Thanks.”
They fell into a long quietude. Neither of them tried to break it, so Iwaizumi knew it was over. This is how the whole conversation about him leaving will end. Even if he wanted him to break his head open and read between the lines. Even if he wanted him to ask if it was really okay with him.
Even if he wanted it to actually mean something.
“You know,” Oikawa was the first to cut the thread of silence. “I still remember when you called me honey.”
Iwaizumi blinked, thrown off by the sudden memory. “Huh?”
“You don’t remember?!” Oikawa faced him, eyes wide with mock outrage.
“The fuck? Of course not.”
Oikawa snickered. “It was a dare, Iwa-chan. Ever since then, we’ve always talked about how it would be if we actually liked each other.”
Iwaizumi scoffed, shaking his head as he leaned back on his hands, gaze turning toward the orange sky. “Impossible.”
“Right.” Oikawa echoed silently.
Iwaizumi felt something sharp twist inside him.
“I’ll miss you.”
Oikawa was not facing him. Iwaizumi breathed a laugh.
“Yeah, me too.”
Iwaizumi would never admit it, but he actually remembered.
It was a late afternoon after a practice, much like now. The last few volleyballs they were hitting thudded softly onto the polished floor, the golden sunlight streaming through the gym windows. It casted long shadows across the court where Iwaizumi was standing.
Oikawa was behind him, his voice ringing out loud and clear. “Alright, Iwa-chan. No backing out now, okay?”
Iwaizumi turned to face him, a towel slung around his neck as he roughly caught his breath. Oikawa's face was bright, the hues of the sun hitting his eyes just the right way. It almost knocked the remaining air out of Iwaizumi's chest.
“I'm not doing it.” Iwaizumi grumbled, eyes somewhere on the floor.
“Uh-oh, Kunimi will be back later. He'd know if you didn't do it.” He grinned, hands on his hips. “Besides, it's just a word! I'm sure you wouldn't want to hand us a dollar each instead of just calling me a single pet name.”
Iwaizumi sighed as he glared at Oikawa. The latter did not respond, and just leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. He carefully watched him with bright, expectant eyes.
If there was a way out, Iwaizumi would know, and he would take it. Unfortunately for him, anything that involves Oikawa is a dead end road. He could either drive away or stay.
He did not want to leave.
“Just one word.” Iwaizumi repeated.
“Just one word,” Oikawa grinned.
Iwaizumi bit the inside of his cheek, his face warm. He then looked away, voice gruff but clear with intent.
“...Honey.”
A beat.
Then, Oikawa broke apart. His face contorted into something muddled as his laughter echoed through the four corners of the gym. “You— it, oh my God. You sounded so stiff, Iwa-chan.”
Iwaizumi snapped his towel at him, his neck burning red. “Shut up! You idiot–”
Oikawa doubled over, his hand on his stomach as he shook his head. “No, it's fine! It was adorable.”
“Adora– what the hell?”
His giggling fits didn't stop until a pair of men entered the gym. Hanamaki’s gaze flickered curiously between them, his brow raised, while Matsukawa let out a low chuckle. He was obviously amused without needing context.
Oikawa quickly jogged towards their way, his shoulders quaking with the remnants of his laughter. Iwaizumi stayed where he was, watching silently as Oikawa's bright smile softened the questioning look on Hanamaki's face.
He caught snippets of Oikawa's excited chatter as he waved his hands animatedly, recounting the moment. His palms opened expectantly, eyes wide as he waited to collect his winnings. Iwaizumi only shook his head, lips curling into a quiet smile.
Right.
They were like that.
For most of the time they were together, everything would be real except for one. Iwaizumi had always been strikingly aware of the difference between what they feel. Even now with the sunbeam directly hitting Oikawa's face, his lips pursed in a silent discourse, Iwaizumi knew this was the boundary of their relationship. Oikawa was dumb, and he was cowardly. But so was Iwaizumi.
A soft, weary sigh slipped from Iwaizumi’s lips as he kept his eyes away from the man. He thought hard about it. About how the events will unfold after all this. About the inevitable distance, the quiet drift, the things left unsaid. Then the corners of his lips curled upward into a bitter smile.
We joke about being in love all the time but I think I could really fall in love with you.