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"Again?"
Jisung's cautious steps stop when he hears Chan's sleep-drenched voice. He suppresses a sigh and closes his eyes slowly as he thinks of some excuse to get out of any kind of interrogation. He smacks his lips as he realizes he doesn't see himself capable of lying, not to Chan, who looks so vulnerable and worried.
"I can't help it," he mutters.
His voice shouldn't have come out so broken.
A dim light illuminates the foyer and it is at that moment that Jisung finally catches a glimpse of Chan's worried face. He swallows some sage due to his nerves and is ready to take off his shoes and go back to bed when Chan lets out a heavy sigh, as if he is regretting something.
"Will you be all right?" Jisung remains silent and Chan shakes his head slightly. Will you be back in time for the interview we have in the morning?
Jisung nods quickly as he ignores the sudden anxiety that digs into his chest. He notices that Chan's look is still uneasy, but he can't think of a prayer to ease his worries. He approaches a little hesitantly before leaving a soft kiss on her left temple, Chan snorts almost sarcastically. Behind him is Changbin, who looks just as worried as Chan. You raise your eyebrows, trying to communicate to him to be cautious. Before he can say anything, Chan pulls him aside and tells him to get the hell out of here before he regrets letting you go.
Jisung doesn't have to hear it twice.
He runs to Chan's car with a big smile on his face, joy running through his entire body until it ends at his fingertips. He accelerates faster than he should, but all he can think about is cutting that 45-minute drive in half. He drives to a shabby hotel, but where he keeps many of his best - and perhaps also worst - memories. The blond guy at the front desk watches him walk through the door almost with boredom, but as soon as Jisung plants himself in front of him, a smile infused with mockery creeps across his face.
Jisung doesn't need to be told twice.
He sprints to Chan's car with a huge grin plastered on his face, joy coursing through his veins and electrifying his fingertips. He floors it, exceeding the speed limit, but all he can think about is shaving off those 45 minutes of driving time. He pulls up to a dingy motel, the kind of place that holds a lot of his best - and maybe worst - memories. The blonde kid behind the reception desk looks up as Jisung bursts through the door, his expression a mask of boredom that quickly gives way to a smirking grin as Jisung plants himself in front of him.
"Have you seen the time, Han?" the blonde asks with a sneer. Jisung sighs and shoots him an annoyed glance. "If it were up to him, I'd have left three hours ago, or five."
"Just give me the key," Jisung mutters impatiently.
"Of course! Room 505, your usual spot."
Jisung ignores the sarcasm in his voice and starts climbing the countless stairs of this dump of a hotel. He doesn't let Felix's comments get to him, even if they're valid - he doesn't think it's any of Felix's business. Step by step, Jisung climbs with a smile on his face, picturing his partner waiting for him, lying on his side of the bed with his hand resting between his thighs. Such a familiar pose, such a mundane image, yet it sends a swirl of happiness radiating from Jisung's stomach.
He'd love to come home to that sight every night.
He pushes open the door, and even though things aren't exactly as he'd pictured them, Hyunjin is still awake, waiting for him, sitting up in bed with an almost ethereal gaze that locks onto him the moment he steps inside. Jisung has to freeze for a beat, taking a moment to drink in the sight of the young man before the tidal wave of emotions threatens to overwhelm him.
"Hyunjin..." Jisung breathes.
It's hard to tell, with the way Hyunjin looks at him, what he's expecting. Maybe he wants Jisung to rush to the bed and wrap him in his arms, or maybe he wants Jisung to kiss him and never let him go. The silence is deafening, both hearts pounding hard, and all Jisung can manage is to close the door with a gentle motion, his feet seeming rooted to the spot as he watches Hyunjin's fingers toy with the sheet like he's desperately searching for something to cling to. Jisung lets out a faint gasp when Hyunjin fixes him with that piercing stare of his, the kind that seems to see right through skin and strip away any lies.
"It's three in the morning... again," he says finally, with a small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Is this your favorite time for breaking hearts?"
There's no need to ask if Hyunjin has been crying, no matter how hard he tries to hide it and look serene. Jisung knows him too well, has memorized every detail of his eyes, and notices the slightest difference - the faint puffiness, or the piercing in his eyebrow that wasn't there the last time they saw each other. The tension in room 505 is thick with a painfully familiar ache, the same one that arises between them when their love is worn out but refuses to give up.
Jisung finally moves forward, but it's a clumsy step, and he almost stumbles under the weight of Hyunjin's words. He drops his backpack to the floor, not caring if the gifts he's brought get crushed, his shoes make a soft thud on the carpet, and Jisung ends up there, on his knees in front of Hyunjin. He reaches out a hand, gently tucking a strand of Hyunjin's long hair behind his ear. Hyunjin closes his eyes, letting out a sigh that sounds more like exhaustion than pleasure, as if the simple gesture has stirred up more than any words could.
"I don't want this to end between us, Hyunjin."
Jisung's voice is barely a whisper, a fragile thread that could snap at the gentlest breeze. The pain fills his chest, his words hurting because they're true. Fear wraps around his body once more as he realizes that with the moment so close, the bomb about to blow up in his face, what he fears most is losing him.
Jisung slowly lowers his head until his forehead rests on Hyunjin's knee. His entire body shakes, holding back all the emotions he's been accumulating for days, weeks - hell, even months. Hyunjin's hand doesn't tremble for a second as he reaches out to place it on the back of Jisung's neck, his fingers tangling in his hair without any force, as if the gesture was just to confirm Jisung was still there.
A traitorous tear escapes Jisung.
"Make it worth staying, then," Hyunjin murmurs before gently pulling him towards the bed.
Jisung lies down beside him as Hyunjin wipes away the dampness left by the tear that fell. Jisung's eyes shine, perhaps a metaphor for the fragile glass that his heart has become, ready to shatter at any moment with the slightest carelessness. They lock eyes, and their hands search for each other under the rumpled sheets.
"Jisung... Every time you leave, I'm left in this room picking up the pieces of what we used to be, and... and I wonder if I'm crazy for keeping on doing it."
Jisung swallows hard and hates himself more than anything in the world because his Hyunjin shouldn't feel this way. He hates himself for not knowing how to make things right, for leaving him alone, for being unable to stop time, concerts, interviews, or the decisions others make for him.
"You make me want to come back, even if we are miles apart," Jisung says, gently caressing Hyunjin's cheek. "Even when I'm on the other side of the world... I'm always coming back to you, because if it's not you, there's no one else I can call home... But I feel like I'm always late, like... I know I arrive when you're already worn out, when you don't have the energy left."
Hyunjin doesn't pull away, but he doesn't hug him either. He doesn't move a muscle, just looks directly into Jisung's eyes as he talks, because he feels like sometimes all he can do is listen as the distance shatters them and their love crumbles painfully in front of them, giving way to helplessness because even though he can see it, there's nothing Hyunjin can do.
Jisung knows, knows what Hyunjin's thinking because he can see it in his expressions. He breaks down because he doesn't want to give up, he wants to keep fighting, even if it hurts. He understands the frustration Hyunjin feels, it's like a knife twisting in his gut thinking about having to tread carefully around the fragile scars they've left on each other.
"I'm tired, Jisung," he murmurs, his voice cracking, tears welling up in his eyes. "And you are too, can't you see?" he adds before Jisung can launch into denials. "This distance is killing us! The goodbyes are getting longer, the calls colder. And I... I don't know if I'm enough for you to stay."
Jisung allows himself to break down a little and leans in, pressing his forehead against Hyunjin's. Their fingers intertwine with the desperation of someone clinging to something they know they'll lose.
"You're the only thing that makes me want to stay," he affirms, his voice shaking. "But I don't know how to hold on to you without hurting you, and I don't know how to love you without wounding you."
The second tear of the night falls, but this one isn't shed by Jisung; it falls from the corner of Hyunjin's eye and disappears into the pillow. It's the most silent tear imaginable, yet it's enough to shatter everything. Jisung notices it, shining brightly, and feels it like a heart-wrenching scream, almost like a wordless goodbye. He feels like a rope is tightening around his throat. He can't help but wrap his arms around Hyunjin's waist, holding him tighter than necessary, as if with his bare arms he could prevent him from leaving. Jisung yearns to stop time, to leave everything behind.
The hug doesn't calm Hyunjin down; instead, it seems to break him, and he starts trembling in Jisung's arms. Then, without Hyunjin needing to say a word, Jisung knows he's doing it again. He's always late, always running to Hyunjin only to find him on the brink of goodbye. Jisung is always greeted with Hyunjin's angelic gaze, emotions swallowed, eyes puffy from crying before his arrival. And he... he always ruins the moment because he can't stay without falling apart.
Then another tear falls. Hyunjin barely pulls back, just enough to face Jisung, their broken breaths colliding in an attempt to mend. Hyunjin's long fingers rise to Jisung's face, caressing him with the most painful tenderness he's ever shown. Jisung sobs inevitably.
"I don't want to see you cry for me, idiot," Hyunjin murmurs affectionately. "Not when I know I'll wake up without you again."
It's the first time Jisung feels like he hates Hyunjin. He doesn't say it, it's a stupid feeling, he hates him because he's right. Almost always, he arrives with an "I missed you" when instead he should be asking for forgiveness. Then Jisung realizes he always ruins the surprises when they meet, that no matter how many gifts he gets or how many words of longing he dedicates to Hyunjin, it doesn't matter. None of it matters because Jisung always lets the weight of guilt outweigh the relief of touching each other again.
Jisung sees Hyunjin's palms heading towards his eyes, almost as if he wants to play, as if some part of the teenagers they used to be still remains, innocent and in love. Jisung doesn't let it happen; he moves and reacts too quickly, grabbing Hyunjin's wrists and lowering them.
He demands to see, to know, and to feel.
As he does, he's met with an expression that shouldn't be there - a mix of love and resignation on Hyunjin's angelic face, as if he'd been preparing to say goodbye even before Jisung arrived.
"Don't cover your eyes," Jisung whispers, leaving soft kisses on Hyunjin's hands. "Don't hide from me what you were already thinking. If you're going to cry, please let me see it, and if you hate me for this, please... please let me feel it."
But Hyunjin just gazes at him for a long moment, before snuggling into his chest, with a sigh so long it seems like he's saying goodbye to something that's hurt too much. Jisung is afraid that something is both of them, he wraps his arms around Hyunjin once more and doesn't know if he's protecting him or just clinging to him like a lifeline. The surprise has been ruined.
The distance is still there.
They know how to break it, and Hyunjin is the one who starts with wet kisses on his neck. Jisung follows, gasping at every touch Hyunjin leaves all over his body. They take their time, as if it were eternal, enjoying it as if there were no tomorrow. They love each other, and neither of them doubts it, not after every kiss, every soft laugh, or the climax that makes them believe that, as long as they keep loving each other, it’s more than enough.
Everything is perfect for a moment; they notice it in the way the distance begins to fade, as they see their love still flowing between them like it did on the very first day. And, as always, what hurts them most—and what neither of them is able to say—is that dawn is getting closer.