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The sound of the sea was soothing, and the gentle rocking of the boat was tempting me to sleep. I had to remain vigilant, however, and I scrubbed my face, focusing on the light offered by the single candle nearby.
As I moved, Yuna mumbled in her sleep, and clung to my sleeve. She hadn’t left my side since I returned to Bevelle. Even for her bath and other private business she would hurry out afterwards to make sure I was still there.
We stayed only a single night in Bevelle before setting out for Besaid. It was easy to find passage, we had some amount of notoriety now.
Not that I wanted it.
‘Legendary Guardian’, they called me. They whispered my name in reverence, the same people that would have spat on me for my excommunication. I couldn’t linger on their fickle hearts, though, or I feared I would drink myself into oblivion.
Something moved in the shadows, and I had my hand on my sword before I realised it was just the hammock of our other companion. A Ronso was travelling with us, by name of Kimahri. He had travelled from Gagazet, and met me on the road back to Bevelle after… after the Calm. He had been banished from his mountain home, and had nowhere to go. After he helped me back to Bevelle, carrying me part of the way, I suggested he come with us. He obliged, and seemed quite fond of Yuna.
The ship that we were on was largely a food delivery ship, but it also seemed to deal in flowering plants. Yuna couldn’t be more delighted, and often helped the attendants water the plants.
She was cheerful, despite the circumstances. Her strength shamed me. My heart couldn’t adjust so easily. Not when I remember—
I shook my head, and sat back, leaning my head on the wall as uncomfortably as I could. I needed to stay awake. I needed the light. I couldn’t be comfortable in the darkness. As a result, I’ve been sleeping during the day, and watching a candle through the night for fear it would go out and leave me in the dark.
Jecht would laugh at me. Maybe…
Braska… he would keep a Holy spell ready for me.
The Legendary Guardian, afraid of the dark. It really was laughable.
But it was dark when I woke up in the Calm Lands.
o-o-o-o-o-o
The stars twinkled into place, one by one, until the sky was alight.
Wait… Not stars. Pyreflies.
I sat up, blinking away the oppressive darkness that pressed against my face like a smothering cloth. Pain throbbed down the left side of my face, the wind whispered against my cheek and I felt the chill of wet blood.
My thoughts churned in my mind, and I tried to recall how I had come to be here. I remembered Gagazet, and Zanarkand…
I gasped, and got to my feet, looking around wildly, dizzy. The pyreflies smeared over my vision and I stumbled forward, disoriented and clumsy.
“My Lord,” I gasped. “Braska! Jecht!” I called, and my voice was lost in the darkness. Fear began to creep into the edges of my panic, and my heart pounded. I wanted to clear this darkness, and find them.
I ran over the ravaged ground, nearly tripping several times. The only destination I could focus on was the large gathering of bright pyreflies over several hills. A shimmering form was in the middle of them.
Braska… He was in the light. I was so close.
I stumbled, and tripped, landing hard on my left shoulder. The pyreflies scattered, and Braska turned around.
“I was waiting for you, Auron.”
“My Lord!” I got to my feet, taking in his insubstantial image. “Braska, what’s happened, where’s Jecht, what—“
“It’s over, my friend,” Braska said softly, pyreflies blossoming from his lips. “I wanted to thank you… before I left.” Braska stepped forward, and wrapped his arms around me. His arms were barely visible, and his hands less so. But the warm feeling of his face against my neck was real, tangible.
He drew back, and gently took my hand. His eyes were too bright, glowing with the light of the pyreflies that surrounded us. He was the sun, surrounded by stars.
“Take this to Yuna,” he said, his barely-visible fingers pushing his silver beaded bracelet into my hand. “It’s all I have.”
I cried, clutching the bracelet, and pulled all that was left of him to me. “Braska, please…” My breath caught in shuddering gasps, and I trembled, feeling the heat of the pyreflies intensify.
“Thank you for being my guardian.”
He was gone.
I didn’t cry. Not at first.
Everything was still. There was barely a breeze, but the fresh scent of wet grass wafted past me. Ordinary. Calm.
As if I could turn around, and they would be standing behind me. I convinced myself that they were, and slowly turned, holding tight to the bracelet. I would give it back to him. We would return to Bevelle He would be the first Summoner to defeat Sin and live. People would rejoice.
There was only dark. Even the lights I thought were stars had gone out.
I stared into the darkness, and it glared back, and laughed. I was sure I was alone. Jecht had long disappeared and Braska took the rest of the world with him when he left.
They left me in the dark.
I cried then.
o-o-o-o-o-o
Dawn crept through the grates above us, and Yuna began to stir.
“Byby…” she mumbled, reaching blindly around for me. I quickly closed the distance, and she wrapped her arms around my forearm. I could see tears glistening on her eyelashes, and I stroked her hair. “Are you there, Byby?”
Byby, Al Bhed for Papa. She would speak his name like that without thinking.
Suddenly, she opened her eyes, and looked up at me. I always looked at her blue eye, and my heart skipped a beat when I did.
She was calm for a moment, and then she squeezed her eyes shut, and pressed her face into my arm. The tiniest sound escaped from her lips, and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. “Ahh, Byby-!”
I lifted my arm, and she quickly moved to bury her face in my chest, clutching my robe. My arms were too heavy and rough to comfort her properly, but I still held her close, as I had seen Braska do. My mama would comfort me on dark nights, when the threat of Sin tore through my dreams. I could remember how that felt, and tried to replicate how she moved and spoke. My movements still felt clumsy, as if it was obvious I was trying to be something I wasn’t.
“I’m here,” I said softly. I couldn’t lie to her with platitudes, with promises and whispers. I couldn’t say it was alright, because it wasn’t. My only reassuring truth was that I would stay with her. She seemed tiny in my embrace, and the smallness of her voice made it all the worse.
“Auron…!” She cried quietly, I could feel her tears soaking into my shirt. “Don’t leave me! Please!”
I called those words to her father, when I was alone in the dark. I pressed my hands together on her back, and rested my lips on the top of her head, rocking her. “I won’t leave you, my Lady. We’re going somewhere we can be together.”
Yuna didn’t reply, but nodded. Braska’s bracelet shone on her wrist. I couldn’t stop staring at it, and my hands shook.
Braska… if you could see what you’ve done…
o-o-o-o-o-o
“Auron!” Yuna’s cheerful voice woke me, and I opened my eyes slowly. Bright sunlight filtered through the straw roof, and I could hear the tropical birds in full song. I slept well on the feather bed supplied by the villagers. Better than I had slept in a long time. Braska was right. This is a wonderful place to live. “Auron, are you awake?”
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and sat up quickly. I hurriedly swept my hair back, trying to look somewhat presentable. “My Lady?”
Yuna took my hand, and hopped excitedly, obviously not caring about my messy hair. “There’s other children here, Auron! May I play with them?”
I was taken aback for a moment, feeling a spike of abandonment, and then nodded. “Of course,” I said, and then brightened my tone, lightening it with a smile. “Of course, my Lady. But please, don’t go too far.”
“Um, Auron…” Yuna fidgeted, playing with the edge of her bright yellow sash. “You can call me Yuna, okay?”
It seemed improper, like when Braska asked me to call him by his name. I couldn’t deny her, though. “Yes, my- Yuna.”
She smiled, the sweet smile I hoped to see more of.
o-o-o-o-o-o
It had been a week since we arrived in Besaid. Yuna had made fast friends with the island children, and the villagers were already setting up a house for us to live in. My fatigue was catching up to me, from my disorganized sleep and the injuries from the Calm Lands. The warm afternoons coaxed me to sleep easily, and Yuna often had to wake me for dinner.
Her smile seemed more sincere, and she only had one nightmare this week.
I could hear her laugh mixed with the other children’s, and it soothed me as I drifted to sleep.
o-o-o-o-o-o
When I awoke, it was dark. I was paralyzed with fear, and my heart strained to beat. Usually Yuna had lit the candles. She knew my fear, and she would combat it for me. There was something she was doing today, at the temple. Helping the old woman. It must have gone on longer than she thought. Or maybe she trusted me to be brave. She gives me too much credit.
My breath came in short gasps, and I closed my eyes, to pretend the darkness was under my own control. When I open my eyes, there will be light. There will be light.
There was.
Yuna’s dark-haired friend, the one with the knowing eyes, was aglow from the fire dancing in her palm. A Black Mage then.
“You’re afraid,” she said. She passed her hand over the candles, and they jumped to life. Her hand was graceful, commanding the flames, until she snuffed them out with a twirl of her fingers.
I said nothing, but focused on the candlelight.
“What do you fear in the darkness, Auron?” She sat down, on the little wicker chair that a villager had made for Yuna. Her pale face was half-lit by the light. I remember her face. From before.
“I’m alone,” I said.
“You think the people around you stop existing if you can’t see them?”
“No…” I struggled to find the words, distracted by the frantic beating of my heart. “I just… just don’t want to be left behind.” I couldn’t cry, not in front of anyone but Yuna, and even then, I felt like a failure.
“Someone left you in the dark,” she said, and nodded. She looked directly at me, and eventually I met her gaze. “And you were alone. Truly alone. I know what that feels like.”
I knew that. She had already endured what I had, and she was only half my age. I marvelled at the strength of children.
“My name is Lulu.”
o-o-o-o-o-o
Yuna suggested we go for a walk to the beach. I hadn’t really left our house since we arrived. Lulu accompanied us, as did the rest of the children. I couldn’t remember their names.
The sky was clear, and the sea air was refreshing. More refreshing than the city air of Bevelle could ever hope to be. Lulu and Yuna each took one of my hands, and swung them as we walked. I had to slow my pace considerably to walk with them, but I did enjoy it, which surprised me. People often told me that children found me intimidating. My Mama would scold me for looking too serious, and expecting the younger children to behave like adults. Perhaps I was always too mature for my age.
But now… I don’t have to put on airs for anyone. The temple here doesn’t expect me to bow and scrape and serve. There’s no one to tell me how to act, or to judge me, so it’s easier to be kind. I can breathe easier, in more ways than one.
The sunny skies allowed me to forget the dark.
The red-headed boys were always full of lively energy. They always completed their devotions in the morning, and then ran to the beach to play, that is, to train, they would insist. Apparently they wished to be the ones to bring Besaid glory in a Blitzball tournament.
I tried to play Blitz with them, but found I was fairly unskilled at predicting the movements of the ball. Jecht would always catch me unawares with it. It was weighted strangely, and I could never seem to figure it out. More times than I care to remember it struck me on the side of the head. One time I had toppled over, knocking Braska down with me.
That was only a few feet away from where I sat on the beach.
The boys had given up on me being a good player, and I instead kept score for their mini tournament. Lulu and Yuna were next to me, brushing each other’s hair while sat delicately on an embroidered blanket. It must have belonged to Braska, I recall it being spread on his bed. My fingers traced the swirling patterns of red and gold birds, and a familiar weight sunk in my chest that even the sun and sea couldn’t diminish.
“Auron,” Yuna said, placing her small hand on my forearm. “The score is 6-2.”
“Ah?” I looked up, and the boys were both staring at me, their hair darker in the water. “Ah, yes. 6-2 to…?”
“The great Chappu!” The younger boy declared, showing off mock-pompously. “Wakka’s second best, as usual!”
“First the worst, second the best!” Wakka countered, and tackled his brother. They were laughing as they wrestled in the water, so I felt no need to mediate.
I returned my attention to the blanket, and felt sorrow drape around me like a shroud. Yuna noticed right away, and she motioned for me to come sit with them. Hesitantly, I got up, and took care to brush the sand off before sitting.
“You’ve got gold in your hair, in the sun, Auron. Did you know that?” Yuna asked, untying the ribbon that held my hair in place. My hair had been growing well since we came here, and was thick and strong. It was noticeable, even to me. Yuna liked to brush it, and she would help me tie it back in the morning.
Braska would too.
I could feel both Yuna and Lulu brushing my hair, and a smile touched my lips. These girls, they take such good care of me. I wished I could repay the favour somehow.
As the day went on, the senior members of the Besaid Blitzball team showed up and started some kind of ‘scrummer’ or something. I couldn’t recall the word. The girls had gone back to the village for food, and I followed, drowsiness pulling me down.
I was asleep as soon as I fell into bed.
o-o-o-o-o-o
The grass was red and black, glistening with the light of Braska’s Summoning circle. My feet slipped with every attack, and the weight of my sword seemed to increase with every swing. The Sinspawn were relentless, and so my will was too. I had been running around Braska’s circle for hours, cutting down the neverending tides of Sinspawn. My breath tasted like blood in my mouth.
From where I stood, Braska looked like a statue, proud and tall. I wondered if that was the image the temples would use. Certainly, he gave me strength, and I pushed on, cleaving another Sinspawn in two.
Something roared overhead, and I made the mistake of looking up. Before I knew it, Sinspawn swarmed me. Their dark tendrils wrapped around my arms, wrenching me down to my knees. I slashed wildly, and managed to dislodge the ones on my sword arm.
Braska had begun to twirl in his circle, and I had to get up. If he was performing a Sending… Sin must be…
We had almost defeated Sin. Almost there.
My heart was aglow, and I stood, dashing back to Braska’s side with Sinspawn still latched firmly to me like leeches.
“Braska!” I gasped. “Braska, you’ve done it!”
His eyes were blank, and his movements weren’t fluid and graceful like I had become accustomed to. Something was wrong.
“Braska,” I said gently, reaching out. Braska pivoted sharply, and I followed the quick arc of his staff until it connected with my left temple. I flew backwards, trailing blood and Sinspawn in my arc through the air. A monstrously large version of Jecht’s beloved sword plummeted from the sky, slamming into the ground where I had just been standing.
It felt like my skull had split in two where Braska’s staff hit me. I realised he had very likely saved my life, but--
“Braska… My Lord…” I needed healing… I couldn’t fall to darkness. Not now. Where was Jecht in this battle? What were we fighting? “Jecht, help Braska… I need a… Phoenix…”
Black spots bordered my vision, or were they just Sinspawn coming to eat my body?
I’d deserve it. Braska protected me.
Darkness was throbbing over my vision with every heartbeat, and I tried to get up but-
Rain fall blood mud help friend wake up can’t just look they’re dead dark wake up dream cry hands teeth sword fight fight fight-- wake up!
“Wake up!” Yuna’s voice was quiet, but frantic. “Auron, wake up!”
I heard my voice gasping before I awoke, and my breath stuttered through me. I hadn’t realised I was mumbling disjointed phrases until I fell silent.
Her voice was panicked just now. She needed me. I sucked in a deep breath, and sat up, looking at her shocked face. From the quality of light framing her, it must have been early morning. “My Lady, what’s wrong, what can I do?”
She shook her head, and pointed at my face. “Auron, you’ve been crying.”
I paused, and slowly touched my face. Tears shone on my fingers, and I looked at her again. My chest ached, and the memory of the dream hit me with full force.
Braska didn’t go peacefully into the light, neither did Jecht. There was blood and carnage, and the stench of death. The smell in my memory was enough to make me retch, and I leapt out of bed and out the back door, expelling the contents of my stomach in the trees behind our house.
“Auron! Are you okay?!” The fear in Yuna’s voice was shrill, and I wanted to calm her, but images of my dream overlapped my vision. I could see Braska and Jecht’s bodies, lying bloody and disturbingly open in the long grass at my feet. I dropped to my knees, my vision blurring over their bodies. This can’t be… real. But they’re…
I covered my face with my hands, and hid my eyes from the confusion. The darkness was frightening, but what I could see in the light was worse.
Come back… A voice resonated in the air, one that seemed familiar. Who was it?
“Come back inside, Auron.”
Yuna’s voice pulled me back to the light. When I opened my eyes, there was only the gently waving grass, albeit with a pile of sick in it.
“I got a healer, okay?” Yuna said, touching my shoulder. “Can you stand up?”
I nodded hastily, and stood up, embarrassed by my confusion. Between Yuna and the healer, I got back into bed with minimal stumbling. The healer mumbled a spell, and I could feel the nausea settle. Yuna lit several tall candles, and placed them on the small table beside my bed. I settled back into an uneasy sleep, dreaming of confusing images in the dark.
Someone was calling for me to come back.
Someone other than Yuna.
o-o-o-o-o-o
There’s another girl… I recognise her, but from where? Her name is Rikku, and she cries a lot. Yuna seems to like her, but she doesn’t speak to me. She seems afraid of me. I almost found it comforting, since that was what I was used to.
o-o-o-o-o-o
The village children had taken to visiting our house, and they would all play loudly while I rested. The sound of their laughter soothed me, and I would never silence them. Perhaps that’s why they congregated here.
I was feeling particularly fatigued, and hadn’t left my bed since late in the morning. I hadn’t seen the children all morning either. I wondered what they could be doing.
I didn’t have to wait long for an answer, as they all came barging in, laughing.
“Auron! Are you here--? Ah!” Yuna clapped a hand over her mouth when she saw me still in bed. She flapped her hands at the other children and they quieted down quickly. “I’m sorry, Auron,” she said in a hushed voice. “Are you well?”
I shook my head, too tired to reply properly. I must have some kind of illness. My body felt weak and heavy. There were days when I felt this way, too sick to move, and others where I was fine.
“Should I get a healer?”
I shook my head again. I just wanted to sleep, but I felt I should stay awake for Yuna. She made an expression that made me think of Braska. Quiet disapproval, but for whatever reason, she respected my wishes.
She and the children left, and I drifted to sleep again, a sunbeam warming me.
I dreamed of the sea, and a sparkling city protruding from the horizon.
Zanarkand. He’s there, in Zanarkand.
Who?
My son.
My other promise. To the man I loved as a brother. I… forgot?
I dreamed of a boy. A broad toothy smile, sparkling blue eyes, a mop of messy brown hair. His hands were always dirty.
His face was familiar to me.
o-o-o-o-o-o
“Auron!” Yuna came dashing up to the house, with Rikku and Lulu right behind her. “Auron! Help! A boy—!”
I turned away from the tomato plant I was repotting, and the girls were red-faced and out of breath. “Help? Are Wakka and Chappu chasing you with their underwear again?”
“No!” Yuna grabbed my arm, and tugged me back the way they had come. It must be urgent, she usually wasn’t so direct. I nearly trod all over the tomato plants. “On the beach, there’s a boy! He just washed up on the shore!”
Concerned, I picked up the pace, and scooped up Rikku and Yuna as I ran. By now, I was aware that Lulu was a strangely fast runner despite her long dresses. I wondered if that was because she was on a pilgrimage once before as well. Certainly, it was a useful skill, particularly in the areas near the Calm Lands.
A boy on the beach. They made him sound like a stranger. A stranger in trouble.
We crashed through the jungle clearing, and Kimahri was already there, knelt down at the beach. Yuna jumped out of my arms, and hurried down to him.
“Kimahri,” I said, joining him. “What’s wrong?” I looked down at the boy, who looked to be about Yuna’s age. He was laying disconcertingly still, his brown hair stringy and plastered across his face.
I had a brief vision of looking up at Kimahri, from where the boy lay. I shook my head, and knelt beside him.
“Water, in here.” Kimahri tapped the boy’s chest. “Kimahri can’t help.” He indicated his mouth, and I nodded. Ronso mouths couldn’t administer breath to a Spiran one. From my training in the temple, I recalled the methods taught to save someone from drowning. Urged by the children, I began to hit the boy on the chest harder than I was entirely comfortable with, and blew air into his mouth.
More often than not, a warrior monk would be lost at sea if they did happen to fall, or crushed by Sin, any number of tragic deaths. We were trained in helping civilians, not our own.
Rikku began to cry, and Lulu and Yuna both comforted her. I counted my strikes, and gave one more breath. The boy coughed finally, and I helped him roll on to his side, as he hacked up a generous amount of water.
The girls cheered, and I could see Wakka and Chappu approaching from the direction of the pier.
I took my robe off, and wrapped it around the boy, who had now begun to tremble. His skin was icy cold, despite the warm sun.
“Th-thank you…” he said, his teeth chattering.
I rubbed his shoulders, and cleared his wet hair from his face. “What is your name?”
“Tidus.”
o-o-o-o-o-o
When Jecht talked of Zanarkand, he always looked to the sea, if somehow, subconsciously, he knew it was out there. His son, Tidus came from the sea. Washed up on the shore with no explanation.
‘I’m from Zanarkand,’ he had said. Just like Jecht claimed. It must be out there. Somewhere we have never gone, for fear of Sin. Fishermen that became too invested in the gil and ventured out were lost to the sea, and remnants of their ships would wash up in foreign ports.
Perhaps another Zanarkand really did exist, far out beyond the horizons we knew.
He joined us in our home, and he merged into the group of children effortlessly. He too had an interest in Blitzball, and the boys were all too happy to recruit him to their makeshift league.
We would watch their self-commentated games until night fell.
o-o-o-o-o-o
“Auron, may we go to the beach?”
“Auron, I want to see the birds! The birds!”
“Auron, you’re gonna blitz with us, right?”
“Auron, Lu won’t let me look at the thing!”
“Auron, he’s bothering me again.”
“Alright, everyone. One at a time.”
It became a beautiful Calm. Over time, even the darkness wouldn’t frighten me. I remembered Braska, and the stars, and the sparkle in Yuna’s eyes when she laughed.
There is always light.
o-o-o-o-o-o
When I awoke again, I could smell flowers.
Like the Farplane.
What?
“Shh, he’s waking up!”
“Hee hee hee!”
I became aware of the children around me, and felt something tickling my cheek. I opened my left eye, and I could see Yuna, smiling happily, with the sun blazing like a golden halo behind her. I moved a bit, and something slid off my face. A flower? Upon further inspection, it seemed the children had covered me with flowers of all shapes and sizes. My blankets were still tightly wrapped around me underneath, and I couldn’t move for the fatigue.
I had a sudden vision of red-wrapped corpses, decorated with flowers and prayers, floating beneath the water that Braska so easily stepped across in his dance.
I appreciated what the children meant, but I felt like a dead man.
A dandelion was thrust forward, in a chubby fist. Rikku. She looked like Braska’s wife. She leaned over the bed, and set the dandelion on my chest. I recalled seeing her years ago? She was only a baby then. At Braska’s tiny home in Bevelle.
“We were happy you came back, ya?” Wakka and Chappu both placed parrot tulips next to the dandelion. Those boys were energetic, happy despite the circumstances their lives presented them. Perhaps I would have been like that, if I hadn’t joined the temple.
A voluminous purple orchid rested gently between the tulips, and Lulu spoke softly. “We want you to rest well.” She had seen more of the world than the rest of them, even Yuna. This girl walked the same paths as I had. I remembered her too, a whisper of a memory in the rain. She was much too young to be tasked with that kind of responsibility.
Kimahri was also present, and he only said one word before placing a spear of pussy willows amongst the other flowers. “Honour.” His horn was broken, and his eyes were sharp and calculating. Like all of the children, he had to grow up before he ought to.
“Hey, Auron! I hope you’ve been having good dreams!” A boy’s voice, and a sunflower fell beside the rest of the flowers. The boy, Jecht’s son. Tidus. But how? This boy… I couldn’t know him, not here. Was this a dream? Was he just a dream? What’s going on?
“Auron, I love you,” Yuna said softly. She leaned in closely, and put a bright white lily in my hair. I noticed she also had one in her hair. “My Byby loves you. So try to smile, okay?” This girl, this beautiful girl. Braska would be so proud.
“I… I love you too, my lady,” I said eventually, and reached up, running my thumb over her cheek. She leaned into my hand, and smiled.
“I’m happy you’re here,” she said. I sighed, and a tear rolled down my face.
“As am I.”
The dream must end.
Even a dream without rage.