Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

...Dead silence. Everyone is staring at me through the computer screen. This is pathetic. Ever since those two other freaks gained sentience, they've been freaking out on me because of my dumb little habit.

"User." A caption appears on the bottom of the screen, the text colored pink. This was always how they talked to me when I muted the computer. JJ (that's what Jade calls themself since we made too many jokes about that one Homestuck character) and Sam didn't have voices- yet. I was planning on using UTAU to synthesize voices for them, but I never got to it. Sighing, I begrudgingly turn my head towards the computer.

"What?" I groaned. More captioning. Kinito tried to type something out, but was quickly interrupted by a flood of green text. This radioactive fucker. "Hey, uh, don't do that, maybe?" JJ typed out.

God, this again. Of course, I knew exactly what they were pestering me about; I had forgotten to place something over the webcam of my computer when I brought it downtown to make music outside and smoke some weed. By god I wish I was still using that clunky old CRT monitor. No webcams, no microphones built in. Not sure how I'd even move it around, but I'd probably be far more at peace if I didn't have three crazy AIs listening to and watching my every single move.

"It's just a plant, smartass," I spoke through gritted teeth, "and I'm 16, so I can handle it."

"I mean, yeah, that's kind of the issue...?" spelled out a new line of captioning on the screen, this time in orange. Sam was probably the most normal member of the crew. Kinito was obsessive and had an issue with doxxing people. And JJ... Well, I don't even know how to describe them. They're constantly mixing random chemicals and 'accidentally' blowing off the limbs of their sprite just to replace them with robotics. I snap back to my main train of thought.

"I don't care"- I stubbornly turned my head- "I really don't."

"Yeah, see, it's starting to turn you into an asshole, dude." More orange text. I facepalm.

"You guys aren't my fucking parents. Not like I'm doing it every day- shit's just on the weekends."

Rapid green text once again floods the screen. "Okay, and I've seen you doing the rounds on that Reddit website where you're LITERALLY shitting on people who don't wanna ruin their lungs and brains at the get-go."

"You eat uranium."

"I'M 27. May I remind you that I don't go online and act like I'm better than people who for some reason choose not to eat uranium."

"I am, though."

"Jeeeeeeezzzzzzz mannnnn-" "Don't spam text, Jade," Kinito interrupts.

"Yeah, see, the issue is that you're sixteen and have a superiority complex and an already shaky mental state," Sam comments.

I play it dumb, hoping that they'll all drop this whole intervention thing soon. It's super embarrassing to be lectured by three artificially intelligent fish. "A superiority complex with what?"

The screen clears itself as the caption has extended beyond the margins of my computer screen. Suddenly, green text, two words, no punctuation. "weed lol"

Fuck. Fuck this. I hate this.

Chapter Text

I cringe, pressing my teeth together hard enough to give me a headache. "It's not a big deal, guys. Like, hardly a problem at all."

New text, this time in orange, makes its way across the screen, although not quite extending far enough to reach the other end of the screen. "That just... That isn't true. Like, at all."

"Ahem," spoke a new line of text in pink, "Jade, you did not have to be so... Upfront, for lack of a better word, about the user's... Issue."

"He's denying it! Of course I'm gonna be upfront!" replied Jade, quickly as usual.

"Jade, you eat uranium."

"Yep, but I'm a scientist, so it's normal."

"Scientists don't... Whatever."

I slam myself into in my shitty office chair that I got from Ikea about 4 years ago. Per usual, it makes a grotesquely high-pitched squeaking sound, like it just wants me to put it out of its misery already. "Why are you guys so stuck up on this? It's not like its crack or K or some shit. It's even not that bad. You all are just being puritans."

My computer's fan makes a whirring noise, reminiscent of what a person sighing would sound like. As orange text appears on the screen, I feel a bit relieved to hear from the only 'normal' individual out of the three, albeit still annoyed that I'm being bossed around. "Puritans? Please. Jade makes pipe bombs when they're bored, and they like to set things on fire."

"Exactly."

Soon after, pink letters appear on the screen once again.

Following what Kinito said, Sam adds, "Plus, who cares if it's not a hard drug? It's clearly still affecting you, 'cuz you're being an asshole to us!"

Jade speaks again. "Emphasis on the whole 'asshole' thing, dude..." I can't hear them, but something about the way they're speaking tells me that they'd probably be squinting at me right now. I'm not sure what about it specifically.

After Jade finishes speaking, there is a moment of silence. Confusing and unnerving silence. New orange text appears, reading, "So? Can you, like... Maybe not do that?".

I cut him [and by proxy, Jade and Kinito,] off, turning sleep mode off on my computer, which causes all of the text to disappear. As the screen lights up, I think to myself for a brief moment. Sure, cutting them off like that might be rude, but... They're annoying. I feel like I subconsciously keep switching between considering what they're saying and blowing it all off like it means nothing at all.

As much as I want to imagine that this shit has no effect on me, I know it does; I just don't think I want to admit it.