Cross-Cultural Media Analysis

In the interest of cultural sharing between two planets recently at peace, Karkat Vantas has opened a blog on a shared social media site, to schoolfeed humans on the nuances of quality cinema.

In the interest of doing some dumb bullshit and making hella money, Dave Strider has just released Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff: The Movovie, the latest in his oeuvre.

The thing is though, SBaHJ has never just been dumb bullshit. And somehow, Karkat Vantas is the first person to notice. A revelatory review somehow snowballs into a whole new era for Earth-Alternia diplomatic relations, and said dumb bullshit lands Karkat and Dave right in the middle.

Notes:

Inspired by The Worst Goddamn Movies Ever Fucking Made by writerbot

Homestuck fic? In MY 2025???????

After rereading HS this year I've been dipping back into reading fic, and I could NOT stop thinking about The Worst Goddamn Movies Ever Fucking Made from the moment I started it. And so naturally, I was inspired to attempt something both Dumber and Worse.

This fic relies HEAVILY on a custom workskin I've cobbled together myself, in a rough approximation of what Tumblr looks like. (pls be niceys to me my css is bad) If you have custom workskins turned off the fic should still be perfectly readable, though the images will likely look a bit jank. The prologue and chapter 1 are both social media chapters, and after that the fic will alternate between narrative and social media.

The fic is set in 2019, with the main cast being approx. the equivalent of 23. Beyond that, the alternate history of the AU should unfold throughout the story itself.

Chapter 1: Prologue: #HUMANS HAVE ALREADY PROVEN UMPTILLION FUCKING TIMES OVER THAT YOU CAN NOT BE TRUSTED #TO KNOW YOUR HORN FROM YOUR BULGE WHEN IT COMES TO CINEMA #AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE EITHER OF THOSE THINGS

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

carcinoGeneticist reblogged turntechGodhead

ectoBiologist

omgomgomg wtf i was just trying to uh shall we say ACQUIRE (hehe) color out of space because NEW NIC CAGE MOVIE HELL YEAH!! but when i downloaded it i got something completely different theres NO WAY

NO FUCKING WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! d strider strikes again!!!! its not even out in theatres for another month!!!!!!!!!

im gonna watch this immediately!!!!! if you wanna snag it go pirate color out of space quickly!!! and even if you dont get the movovie you will have a sweet nic cage film to watch, which is almost as good!!!

castiels-sopping-nook

bullshit lol

turntechGodhead

nah this is exactly how the sbahj movies are always released

the the film was available like two months early but only a couple of people ever found it cause youd only get it if you tried to watch the room on a thursday between 6 and 7 am lol

best way to experience sbahj tbh

first thing in the morning birds chirping bright new day being born

you think hell yeah motherfuckers look at me go im gonna start this day off right with my best friend tommy wiseau slowly losing his mind perfect breakfast treat

oh whats this

early morning preview of the greatest fucking masterwork cinema has ever produced

other than the room of course

now thats a quintuple espresso to wake your shit right the fuck up

carcinoGeneticist

I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE TALKING LIKE THATS A GOOD THING! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MARKETING GENIUS LEAKS THEIR OWN MOVIE EARLY IN THE MOST OBSCURE AND HOOFBEASTSHIT WAY POSSIBLE? EVEN IF THESE “MOVIES” WEREN’T ABSOLUTE TRASH, THIS WOULD BE A STUPENDOUSLY MORONIC STUNT TO PULL. DAVE STRIDER IS THE WORST EXCUSE FOR A “DIRECTOR” YOUR NOOKITCHINGLY TERRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A CINEMATIC TRADITION HAS EVER PRODUCED. IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE A REAL FILM FROM A CULTURE THAT HAS PERFECTED THE ART, A GOOD PLACE TO START IS;

IN WHICH TWO HIGHBLOODS UNKNOWINGLY SIMULTANEOUSLY EXPLORE THEIR CONSCUPIENT LEANINGS TOWARDS A MEMBER OF THE RUSTBLOOD CASTE, WHILE DEVELOPING CALIGNIOUS FEELINGS FOR ONE ANOTHER AS A RESULT. THIS LEADS THE RUSTBLOOD TO ATTEMPT TO AUSPISTICISE BETWEEN THE HIGHBLOODS, HOWEVER IN THE PROCESS OF QUADRANT VACILLATION SHE ACCIDENTALLY ENTERS INTO A MOIRAILLEIGANCE WITH THE FIRST HIGHBLOOD, LEAVING THE SECOND HIGHBLOOD FREE TO PURSUE A MATESPRITSHIP WITH THE RUSTBLOOD UNCHALLENGED, AND THE TWO HIGHBLOODS TO EXPLORE THEIR KISMESITUDE IN A HEALTHIER FASHION. CONTAINS SIX FIGHT SCENES, TWO SCENES ALLUDING TO OFF-SCREEN PAILING, ONE EXPLICIT PALE SCENE WHICH BORDERS ON PORNOGRAPHIC, AND THREE INSTANCES OF ACCIDENTAL HORNPLAY.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

turntechGodhead

ok ill be real that title is a masterpiece but the movie itself sounds dogshit lol

carcinoGeneticist

FUCK YOU

#HUMANS HAVE ALREADY PROVEN UMPTILLION FUCKING TIMES OVER THAT YOU CAN NOT BE TRUSTED #TO KNOW YOUR HORN FROM YOUR BULGE WHEN IT COMES TO CINEMA #AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE EITHER OF THOSE THINGS

ectoBiologist reblogged carcinoGeneticist

ectoBiologist

i finished watching the movovie!!!! it was SO FUNNY lol even better than the moive i think! no spoilers but just how HIGH do you even have to BE to MAKE something like that!

turntechGodhead

well with your taste in movies that might put me off lol

turntechGodhead

nah jk everyone knows dave strider is a genius with epic amounts of swag

carcinoGeneticist

EVERY WORD I READ FROM YOU IDIOTS MAKES ME REGRET ENGAGING IN THIS NEW CROSS-CULTURE SOCIAL MEDIA VENTURE. HUMANS WOULDN’T KNOW CULTURE IF IT CRAWLED UP THEIR NOOKS AND DIED A SLOW, ROTTING DEATH. WHICH APPEARS TO BE THE GOAL OF WHATEVER BULGEMUNCH IS PRODUCING THESE ““MOVIES””. IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER I WOULD THINK THE ENTIRE SBAHJ OUVRE WAS SOME KIND OF PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE TO DRIVE ALL OF TROLLKIND OFF EVER INTERACTING WITH HUMANS AGAIN. FORGET THE PEACE TREATY, HUMANITY SMEARED THAT THING WITH SO MANY SHITTY JPEG ARTIFACTS THAT NOBODY CAN READ IT ANYMORE. GUESS WE HAD BETTER SHUT DOWN THE TRANSPORTALIZERS AND CALL IT A DAY! INTERGALACTIC HARMONY RUINED FOREVER BECAUSE SOME DIPSHIT IN SHADES DEDICATED HIS CAREER TO ROTTING THE COLLECTIVE THINKPANS OF AN ENTIRE SPECIES!

ectoBiologist

dude chill out nobody is even making you read our posts! why do you have to come on every post i make just to insult whatever movie im talking about?

carcinoGeneticist

AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE TROLL POPULATION, IT IS MY DUTY TO EDUCATE YOU CULTURALLY CHALLENGED FREAKS ABOUT THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE. THIS INCLUDES ROASTING YOU ONLINE WHEN YOU EXPRESS OPINIONS SO TERRIBLE THAT THEY WOULD MAKE THE SHITTIEST OF CLOWNS NAUSEOUS.

turntechGodhead

dude i think hes trying to be your kissmeshit lol

ectoBiologist

OH um wow! i did not expect that! well, i have to say i am flattered! however i am not a member of the lgbtq community i am just an ally! also i think it would be a bit weird to date a troll i just met through arguing on the internet! i am still not really sure how arguing is even supposed to be a kind of romance, it seems a bit weird to me!

carcinoGeneticist

WHAT? NO. IN WHAT WORLD WOULD YOU THINK MY ROASTING YOUR TERRIBLE MEDIA HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH CALIGNIOUS LEANINGS, OR YOUR HUMAN LGBTQ? THIS IS ABOUT *TASTE*, AN ATTRIBUTE I HAVE YET TO SEE ANY EVIDENCE OF HUMANS COMPREHENDING. I WOULD RATHER FEED MY OWN BULGE TO A HORDE OF RAVENOUS BARKBEASTS THAN SOLICIT THE ATTENTION OF A HUMAN WHO THINKS THAT “CON AIR” IS THE PINNACLE OF CINEMATIC ACCOMPLISHMENT. DISGUSTING.

ectoBiologist

hey con air rules!

#youre just jealous theres no such thing as troll nic cage!