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Yushi wouldn't say he was raised without love.
When he was a kid, his mother would always stroke his hair whenever he was feeling sick, her slim finger slowly massaging his scalp until he had fallen asleep. She would then quietly hum an old Japanese song that she learned from her grandmother, and Yushi would always wake up feeling a lot better the next day, as if healed from his mother’s voice.
His father wasn't affectionate like that, but whenever Yushi had said that he liked the taste of some chocolate snack or that this new series of frozen yogurt had an interesting flavor, the fridge would have filled itself for the next day, both bought in such quantity that it would last probably for a whole next month.
The youngest brother, too, has shown Yushi some kind of love. This was the hardest to identify, hidden under constant bickering, crying, and bruises on arms fading after a few days. It was only shown in the middle of the night, when the younger would show up in Yushi's room, getting under the covers and hugging him tightly, the only sound being his muted sobs. And Yushi would never ask what or why. Instead, he would just pull a blanket over them, stroking the other's back until they both had fallen asleep.
Yushi can't say he was raised without love. But when every family dinner started, everyone getting busy with their conversation and talking about a life that wasn't even his (because how can you tell someone who already has a full portrait of your future in their head, that no one of this is true?), in moments like this, he just wished he was known .
The first time Yushi felt like he was known, was before his first performance on lastart. The past month was incredibly hard for him, all these years he spent working hard finally seemed to pay off, and he was offered a chance to stand there, on a big stage, and prove to everyone that he deserved it.
But did he? Who is he, to shamefully say that he deserves something, that something that is a dream of many, belongs to him like to no one else? There must be a reason, however sad or disappointing it must be, for him to wait for so long to even touch an opportunity like that with the tip of his finger.
"Yushi, you're shaking."
The boy slowly looked down at his own hands. He hadn't realised that he started trembling from all this stress and chaos inside his own head.
"You're overthinking too much."
Soon, his cold hands were met with something warm, someone calm and steady. He could feel them slowly brushing his knuckles with a thumb, his heartbeat slowing down with every minute and every stroke. It felt like a ray of sunlight that came out into the gloomy, oppressive day, bringing a bit of hope and happiness, finally letting him feel that he could take a full breath into his lungs. Which he did–took a deep breath, lifting his head up and meeting the source of saving light with his eyes.
"I know that you feel like this is too good to be true, like it's some kind of goal that should be out of reach for the rest of your life, but it is real, Yushi. And nobody deserves this chance like you do, not even me, understand?"
Sion's eyes were like honey, Yushi realised back then. Thick and sweet liquid dripping from the iris, falling into his ones, and he could almost taste the sugary savour in it, how it spread on his tongue, causing a pleasant feeling in his stomach a second later.
"I'm happy to do it with you, you know?" It was barely a whisper, but loud enough for Yushi to hear it. "You always know what needs to be fixed or which parts need more energy and which ones allow you to relax and bring the fun in it. And you never stop being so passionate about it. It makes me wanna be like you, at those times."
"You underestimate yourself, hyung," he finally responded, involuntarily lifting one corner of his lips upwards.
"No, you are the one underestimating yourself." Sion's hands moved to Yushi's shoulders now, holding him in one place, making him look straight into his eyes. "I know you. Trust yourself. And if you can't, then trust me, okay?"
The younger one just nodded, leaning into Sion's side and wrapping arms around his waist, hiding face in the crook of the other's neck. Yushi’s eyes burned, and he blinked rapidly, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over. He wasn’t used to this – to being held, to being comforted just because. It felt foreign, but at the same time, it felt like coming home. It was so easy, suddenly, to be here, in this moment, every sharp thought disappearing in the deep dark of his mind. Because Sion knew him. Knew what he needed to hear and what he needed to feel. And Yushi never wished for less since that day.
Two years have passed since that moment. And for some reason, Sion's eyes looked the same.
When Xiumin walked into their practice room and Yushi had frozen, his thoughts focusing on the fact that his idol is right in front of him, Sion's hand was constantly on his back. When he was lost for words, for breath, void in his mind, Sion was the one speaking up on how much Yushi appreciated the idol, giving him a chance to talk to him. And when everything got too overwhelming, everyone wanting something from him or asking questions, Sion's hand stayed on his back till the end.
When they woke up late one day, everyone in hurry and their manager already angry, Yushi was trying so hard to not forget anything. Sion was then the only one calm, helping all of them while sipping his favourite black coffee. And when Yushi searched through his bag in panic realising that he forgot his anxiety meds, Sion already had a pill blister ready and stretched out towards him.
"How did you know I forgot them?"
"I didn't," Sion then shrugged. "I just always carry them with me. Know how hard it can be for you without them."
When he finally came back from filming content with Kai, after holding his tears for what felt like hours Sion's welcoming arms found him almost immediately, the warmth and comfort enveloping Yushi whole, as he sobbed in the older's chest, letting it all out.
"Let's get you to bed, okay?"
Yushi nodded, afraid that his voice would break if he tried to speak up. But the reassurance hasn't stopped, not even when his back fell on the mattress–no, it stayed till his tears couldn't fall anymore, till his breathing finally calmed down and it remained still even the morning next day.
And it had always been like that – Sion knowing exactly what Yushi needed. He was the most steady presence in the younger's life, someone that wasn't going away under any circumstances. Whether it was Yushi's favourite food, movie or even his favourite pillow (because Yushi had one that felt the most comfortable), Sion always knew it.
And Yushi knew he had to be special in some way, because Sion cared a lot for all of his members (would do anything for them to be precise,) but the way he treated him was always different. Maybe it was the six years they spent together, maybe after that amount of time you just naturally become more aware of everything. Or maybe it was because Yushi was one of the first people to talk to Sion after he got accepted as a trainee–sentiment of some kind. Either way, Yushi had that awareness in him. It just never crossed his mind that it could mean something much more.
Feelings were always complicated to Yushi. It might have something to do with his family and their inability to talk about them or recognise that he is his own person with his own emotions. It just never occurred to him that expressing himself is something needed. Liking and disliking things is easy–he likes this specific ramen brand because it's tasty, but the other one is too mild so he never buys it, same with the color blue who always looks nice and clean, but the orange just hurts his eyes from being too bright. Feelings though? There's no simplicity in them.
Sometimes the members would tease him for it, making jokes – especially if they were in public – but all of them were harmless, just to lose the atmosphere. In fact, all of them were actually incredibly understanding and Yushi didn't know if he even deserved it, because he really was lost sometimes, always getting irritated at himself right after ( "is it really that hard, Yushi? maybe just try harder for once!" ). It was that easy to spiral into a world of unwanted and pessimistic thoughts, downplaying his own success and abilities just because of one mistake he made.
Sion was different. He teased him – of course he did, – but never in that matter. Instead, he would just smile at him, those eyes glazing him carefully, something incredibly warm hidden inside of them. He would look at him like they had all the time in the world, like the fans, members and their staff weren't looking at them and expecting something, like they didn't even exist. It made Yushi feel like he was the most important person in the world and fuck , he would be lying if he said that it didn't left a funny feeling in his stomach.
"So…" Riku's voice echoed in the living room, making Yushi lift his gaze from the phone he was scrolling.
"So?"
A silence followed before Riku finally sat down, his mouth constantly opening and closing as if he was looking for the right words to say. Jaehee was already sleeping, quiet snores making its way from his bedroom and becoming the only sound in their whole dorm. It was weird. Yushi and Riku were friends, best friends even and there were never wrong things to say when it came to them–they were always honest and open with each other. So seeing Riku right now, fidgeting his fingers as if he was calculating his chances of success, was weird.
"Did something happen?" Yushi finally asked, putting his phone down and turning fully to face the other.
Riku just shaked his head.
"No, it's just… I don't wanna sound like I'm overstepping."
"I don't think you could," Yushi answered honestly. "What is it?"
"Are you and Sion hyung together?"
Yushi blinked. At first he thought that he misheard the question, or maybe it was a product of his imagination, but looking at Riku again – eyes wide and unsure, patiently waiting for answer – he knew it had to be real.
"Why?" The question slipped from his mouth. He didn't know what he was asking for, if for an answer for why Riku even thought that way or if for the reason he brought it up in this particular moment and in this way.
It's not like it made Yushi feel gross or disgusted, of course not. His thoughts were only starting to process what he actually felt, because it wasn't surprise either, it was more of a big question mark hanging in the air and asking Yushi the question of what if they were?
"Sometimes I look at hyung and see him already looking at you and it's like… " Riku trailers, trying to describe it in the best way possible. "It's all in his eyes. I was never in love but whenever I see them, I start to understand how it feels. I don't think he even realises that but… I also think that he physically can't look at you in a different way."
Yushi took his time, slowly processing his friend's words. His mind took him back in time to every memory with his family, how the longing feeling of emptiness was accompanying him every time he was in their company. That kind of open wound in his heart that did not worsen, but did not heal either, keeping the same shape for all these years. And then he came back to the moment he was in, recognising how that ugly scar disappeared. Instead, there was a beautiful, purple tulip growing from inside of it, making him feel finally full.
"It's hard,” he finally said. It is hard–to understand, to admit.
"But it's never hard with Sion, right?" Riku smiled, taking Yushi's hand in his and squeezing it gently.
Yushi involuntarily leaned onto him, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Riku was right. Everything was indeed easy with Sion, even something as complicated as feelings.
Sion was so busy watching one of their performances on his phone that he didn't even hear the click of the front door closing. He was lying on the couch, one leg bent in half and the other hanging over the edge, with an adorable pout adorning his face as he kept on replying that one specific moment he failed to sync up with other guys. His perfectionism was his flaw and asset at the same time, always keeping him on his toes but also falling at giving him some time to rest.
His actions were interrupted by a sudden weight falling between his legs and making him groan – not really from pain, but mostly from shock – and finally, making him put down the phone and focus on the cause of this. As he looked down, he was met with very familiar black hair sprawled on his chest, hands holding him tight around the stomach, face buried into the white shirt he was wearing.
"Yushi?" he asked quietly, bringing one of his hands to stroke the younger's hair. "What happened?"
"Nothing," the boy muttered in response, his words muffled by Sion's shirt. "Just needed to hug you."
Yushi then raised his head, locking his eyes with Sion.
"he physically can't look at you in a different way"
In a different way than with love, because that's what Yushi saw in Sion's brown pupils the moment their gaze locked. They weren't just soft, or gentle, no, there was a full dedication in them, as if the older was ready to sacrifice his own well-being just to keep Yushi steady in his arms.
Yushi didn't even know when Sion's hand travelled to his cheek occupying it, but he leaned right into the touch, into the new kind of comfort that Sion offered him.
"I feel the safest in your arms, you know?" Yushi spoke up after a while, pushing himself more into Sion's space and closer to his face, carefully studying his expressions. "It's hard to leave them sometimes."
"Then don't leave," Sion whispered in answer, taking Yushi properly into his arms and letting the other melt into the touch. "Not now, not ever. Stay with me forever, Yushi. " Sion's voice was quiet, but the amount of emotions buried into this simple request made his stomach twirl. Sion wasn't selfish, asking for Yushi's love, no, he was asking for his presence. For opening his heart just by a little and letting Sion just stay there, nothing in exchange.
Yushi leaned back a little, taking a better look at Sion's face. They were both tired after a long day, the older one especially pushing himself harder at their practice today, and then monitoring everything right after (the phone abandoned next to them still had the screen open and Yushi couldn't help but notice). The man was visibly drained, but even if his face was still a little red and puffy, dark circles adorning the under eyes and with a two-day stubble that tickled Yushi's fingers every time he ran over his jaw line–that was probably the most beautiful he's ever been. The faint light of an orange lamp highlighted every important part of his face, starting from his long eyelashes and ending on the plump, shining lips and Yushi should curse himself from not realising the importance of the man beneath him sooner.
He hesitated at first, the sudden reality check hitting him out of the blue, making him aware of every touch, sound and taste – Sion's fingers that were now holding his waist, his grip stable but delicate, the ticking of the clock on the kitchen wall echoing throughout the whole room, the taste of strawberry ice cream he ate before deciding to come here – it all him him at once. But the familiar state of being overwhelmed didn't come, not this time, not when everything started to feel right.
"Hyung," he started, their noses brushing against each other.
"Yeah?"
Sion's breath was warm, that kind of warmth you encounter walking around the beach in the middle of the summer when the sun is pleasantly warming your skin.
"I'm sorry for making you wait.”
"I never asked you to come," his lips formed a smile. "But I'm thankful you did.”
Sion reached out, cradling Yushi’s face in his hands like something fragile, something worth admiring. His thumbs brushed the apples of Yushi’s cheeks, his expression so unbearably tender it made the other's chest ache.
The first touch was tentative, barely even a brush of the lips, as delicate as moving the feather against the skin. Then Yushi slightly opened his mouth, Sion taking an invitation and leaning in properly, tilting his head and deepening the kiss with a quiet urgency that made Yushi’s let out a soft sigh. Sion's hand moved higher, gripping the base of the other's neck, his thumb caressing it gently. Yushi hummed in response, relaxing into the sensation and freeing himself from all the thoughts gathered in his head–all that mattered right now was Sion.
They melted into each other, savouring every little kiss and every smile exchanged in between them, all slow and sweet, pouring every unspoken thing into that press of their lips – the years of longing, the quiet certainty, the way Sion's heart still stuttered when Yushi sighed into his mouth like he’s been waiting for this forever.
It could have lasted a minute or even an hour, Yushi had no idea, too lost in the other boy's lips and arms. When they finally pulled apart, Yushi hid his face in the crook of Sion's neck and exhaled loudly. The older's hand was still on his back caressing it gently, while the other travelled to his hair and ran through his tousled hair.
“Don't hide now,” Sion teased, but there was no harm behind it.
“I'm not,” Yushi mumbled back. “I'm just…”
So happy that he can not put this properly into words? That he feels fireworks exploding inside of him, shining in the most beautiful colors but still can not transform his thoughts and say it out loud?
“I know, Yushi,” Sion answered, that sweet smile adorning his face again. “You don't have to say anything. I know .”
So Yushi didn't, instead just tightening his grip on Sion's shirt and closing his eyes. Because he didn't have to explain himself, didn't have to pretend he is someone's else.
Because his actions spoke more than words and Sion loved him exactly for that.