Chapter Text
Things weren't supposed to end up this way. They weren't meant to go the way they're going now, but here they all were. Sitting down in the conference room with their manager and discussing the future of the group.
Sungmin hated the way it all felt so familiar.
That same tense feeling inside the conference room where no one didn’t know what to say or to respond while their manager was talking for minutes ever since that fateful day, and even until now, he still wouldn’t have a clue what their manager just said because of how muffled his voice was in his mind.
Ever since they became Fantasy Boys, things haven’t been going well for them. He didn’t know how to explain, but comeback after comeback, everything just seems to start falling apart. He didn’t know if it was their fault for not giving it their best, or if they were simply just held back so many times before when they had the chance to be recognized by the public.
He couldn’t count the many times he and his members had been berated and shamed by the staff, nor the many times he felt his confidence spiral down to rock bottom behind the company walls. He couldn’t even keep up with the scandals that followed wherever they went, and even if they weren’t about him, it was still about one of his members and those news hit a major blow to their name.
And as if losing Junwon before their debut and waiting for Soul until they found out that he was already gone through the news wasn't enough, some weeks prior to the meeting, he found himself in that very same room with his manager, discussing about him joining another survival show.
If anything, he wasn’t really planning on going on one, not when his group is still trying to get themselves back on their feet, but he found himself scrolling through application periods to join certain survival shows and eventually applying to the one he kept drifting back to.
He didn’t know what to think anymore, other than “if I do well here, maybe we could be loved again,” and “it shouldn’t be a bad idea right?” but his chest would end up getting heavy with guilt as he tried to find some bright side to his decision.
Had he become so desperate now to save his group’s reputation? He didn’t know anymore.
Whatever he thought of, his mind would always drift back to the fact that he had applied to, auditioned to, and got accepted into the survival show called Starlight Boys. But he couldn’t bring that up yet. Not when he was worried about what the other members were going to say.
Were they going to be critical of him, dismiss his reasoning for joining the show, or would they at least understand him and cheer him on at least. He wasn’t sure, but now, he knew that he couldn’t hide his soon participation in the show now.
But before he could even say a word, he heard something that made his heart drop deeper.
“Hanbin and I won’t be promoting with you guys for a while.”
All the attention went to their leader, Minseo. He seemed particularly cool-headed throughout the meeting, or at least that was what Sungmin thought, based on how he noticed the older nod along to what their manager was saying and appeared a little more engaged in this meeting than everyone else. But, he knew that there was something on his mind. But Sungmin didn’t expect to hear his next words.
“There was this survival show, Project 7, and we auditioned and got accepted." The words echoed loudly in Sungmin's ears, and he found himself shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Did he really hear this right?
"I’m not entirely sure when it’ll start airing. Maybe not long, but still.” Minseo says, swallowing slightly. “It has been something that has been on our minds for a while now but we never got the chance to really tell you. I know this isn’t the right time to say this, while we’re still discussing the future of our group, but if not now, then when? Besides, I think it’ll be good for the group if we went out and promoted ourselves in a way. But still, I’m sorry that I’m only saying this now.”
The room fell quiet again, but Sungmin can tell that Minseo seemed a little more relieved now. His expression remained cool, but Sungmin could see him exhale softly, as if he was finally free from the burden of hiding such a big announcement.
For a moment, he wanted to ask why they would even think about joining another survival show when their group isn’t at the best position right now, but meeting his gaze, he realized that his leader was also thinking the same thing; maybe it would be better to keep their group afloat by joining another show and hopefully attract new fans and gain more recognition for the group.
Both he and Minseo understood that this was the best way to save their group. But before he could think of anything else, he would hear Hikari say, “Actually, us too.”
What?
“Me and Lingqi also auditioned for a survival show, Starlight Boys. We thought of going together.” Sungmin felt a lump in his throat. Was this for real? Hikari and Lingqi were also participating in a survival show, and in the same survival show as he did? His mind immediately went blank as he looked at Hikari and Lingqi not far off from him, and he began to realize just how dire the situation was for the four of them to also apply and audition for survival shows.
The rest of the somewhat happy announcement from Hikari and Lingqi were muffled in his head as they drowned out in his flood of lingering thoughts, now wondering how things were going to be now if half of them participated on survival shows. Like, what happens now? Do Wooseok, Hikaru, Hyeontae, Gyurae, and Kaedan just wait for them until they all get miraculously eliminated, or will they continue schedules as usual. Although, it seemed to be the former rather than the latter option considering they haven’t done anything after their comeback last May.
“It wasn’t an easy decision, but as Minseo-hyung said, maybe it might be good for the group.” Sungmin finds himself singling out Lingqi’s last statement, turning to meet his gaze. He could tell how quite excited he was, but at the same time, not. His tone was almost happy, and his smile never reached his eyes.
He exhaled softly. Maybe, mention it now before anyone else reacts? But then Hikaru beat him to it, as he would say with a heavy sigh, “So, this is it? The four of you are leaving?”
Minseo’s expression soured. “No, we’re not. It’ll only be a few months. It won’t be too long.” Hanbin would then add, “We’re not leaving the group, Hikaru. If anything, we’ll just participate on the show,” as he places his hands moving from the table to his thighs.
“But what if you debut?” Hikaru asks, and the two just kept silent. It seemed clear that they hadn't thought far into that, and Hikari and Lingqi too as they seemed to avoid Hikaru’s gaze. And the silence felt tense. And even more for Sungmin.
There was an already heavy weight on his shoulders ever since he entered the room, which kept adding on the more and he heard the announcements and felt each of the members’ gazes despite them being brief. He didn’t know their gazes felt so critical and pressuring despite knowing that they weren’t directed towards him, but he just felt like they were meant for him. Each contact made him question his own decision.
Would it do the group any good if he revealed to them that he was also going to participate in a survival show, or would it make things much worse now that four of their members — some may argue that Minseo, Hanbin, Hikari, and Lingqi were their strongest members too, will be away? Plus him, who was also another important member to their group.
Should he come clean to them now, or would it be better if he just didn’t say anything and leave for the show without anyone knowing? But the realization came creeping in instantly once Sungmin realized how bad that would look, knowing that it’ll appear as if he didn’t want anything to do with the group now. Or would it be better if he just left the show early? No, that wasn’t possible either, not when he knew this could help the group somehow. But would it really?
Everything piled up and it almost felt so hard for him to breathe as more and more thoughts drowned out his brain, but Sungmin found himself staring blankly at the white table instead, as if trying to gather up all his conflicting emotions so nobody knows what he’s feeling.
“It’s okay, at least we still have Sungmin.” His head snapped to turn to Wooseok, almost violently. "He'll be able to lead the group while you're away, hyung. So, it's okay." He could only see Wooseok’s small smile and slight nod as he looked back at him, and he could tell that Wooseok was trying to reassure himself that everything was going to be okay.
Were things really going to be okay? Or were they even ever since their debut?
Now, everyone’s looking at him. And the weight of holding the secret keeps getting heavier and heavier, but he knows it’s better to keep quiet for now. Until Sungmin finds himself blurting out, “Actually…”
And now, he’s blown his cover, especially as that weight starts to disperse slowly. And before he could stop himself, his body urges him to lighten up the load more and more, as it begins to disperse as he ends up confessing, “I actually auditioned for Starlight Boys too. And I got accepted. I didn’t mean to keep it from you all, but I just.. yeah. I thought it would be good for the group.”
He can still feel everyone else’s gazes on him, and it didn’t reassure him one bit. Most of them looked shocked, while the others, particularly Minseo and Hikaru didn’t look as pleased. And for a moment, he felt like he was the bad guy. But the weight on his shoulders was now gone. So, it didn’t feel as terrible as he thought it would be.
“That’s good news, right?” Kaedan eventually says as he leaned against his seat. Sungmin looked up to see a wide smile come across the boy’s lips. And he swore that Kaedan’s smile was the only bright thing that has happened in this meeting.
“Sungmin, Hikari, and Lingqi-hyung got accepted into a survival show, and Minseo and Hanbin-hyung too in another one. I think that’s great.” Kaedan says, humming softly as he looks at Hyeontae, then at Wooseok. Looking back at Sungmin, he says, his smile remaining, “I’ll definitely miss you, hyung, but I know you’ll do great.”
But Hikaru cuts through the youngest’s excitement. “What the hell were you thinking?” Sungmin swallowed hard. He would be lying if he said he expected this reaction, especially from Hikaru.
“I’m doing this for the group, hyung.” Sungmin reasoned out, but Hikaru interjects, “But still, you do realize that this group needs you. All of you?” he then says, turning his attention to Hanbin and Minseo. “But even so, did you think about our group? It would have been fine if one or two of you joined the show, but five? Didn’t you think about how much this affects the group? Don’t you realize that we’ll need you all the more now when we’re not at the best position right now?”
“You think we haven’t thought about it?” Minseo responds, and Hikaru keeps quiet. He continued on, “To be honest, I wasn’t really planning on it. Me and Hanbin really weren’t planning on auditioning for another survival show, but if this is the situation our group is in, then so be it. And I’m sure Sungmin, Hikari, and Lingqi have thought about that too.”
Then he turned his attention to Sungmin. His gaze wasn’t as harsh as Hikaru’s, but it was no less intense, causing the boy to look down to his lap. It didn’t help either that he was sitting next to him. And he was so sure that Minseo was going to be mad at him.
“Though Sungmin, I wish you told me you were joining a survival show.” Sungmin’s eyes widened as he looked back up at Minseo. Minseo’s gaze was still intense, but there was a soft glint of understanding towards him. And besides Kaedan’s smile earlier, it gave Sungmin a sense of relief.
“Maybe we could have talked something out together. You too, Hikari.” Minseo says, turning his attention to Hikari and Lingqi while his hand drifted to Sungmin’s thigh, which ended up grounding Sungmin from any more future heavy thoughts. “Hanbin and I were already talking about going together, but if I knew that you three were also planning on going on another survival show, I would have asked maybe only one member to go to another show, or if ever, join me and Hanbin instead in Project 7. That way, the whole group wouldn’t have to worry about losing half or more than half of its members for all we know.”
“Sorry,” Hikari apologizes sheepishly, though he ends up adding, his statement more towards Sungmin than Minseo though, “But, maybe you could have told us too? We’re joining the same survival show after all.” Sungmin smiles sheepishly, his hand finding Minseo’s and squeezing it slightly before letting go as he replied, “Sorry. I guess I was embarrassed to say something earlier.”
Silence fell upon the conference room again, but it wasn’t as heavy compared to earlier. Finally, Wooseok speaks up, leaning forward against the table as he looks between Minseo and Sungmin. “I understand that you guys want our group to thrive, but I wish you could have told us that you were auditioning for Project 7 and Starlight Boys beforehand. We would have understood.” Hikaru exhales softly, before looking at Sungmin and repeating after Wooseok, “Maybe we would have. But still, now half of the group is gone. What happens now?”
A sense of guilt spread throughout his chest, and Sungmin could only look away from Hikaru's gaze. But then he feels Minseo’s hand squeeze his own, as if grounding him and reassuring him. And he found himself squeezing it back.
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Sungmin doesn’t really remember what else happened during the meeting. Maybe a few awkward conversations about how long Project 7 and Starlight Boys would air had happened. Either way, he could only remember the unacknowledged tension between the group despite how understanding they said they were, and Hikaru’s hard gaze on him. The other boy’s gaze bothered him more than it should have, and Sungmin couldn’t help but feel a lump in his throat every time he met the other boy’s gaze.
“Sungmin?” He turned to see Minseo who was already packing up. Today, they all leave for their respective shows. Minseo and Hanbin were set to go to the shooting venue for Project 7, and he, Hikari, and Lingqi to Starlight Boys. And it only dawns unto him that he won’t be seeing two of his hyungs again in a long time.
He smiled at Minseo, simply acknowledging his leader, “Hyung.” Minseo just smiled back at him, though it never reached his eyes. “Still thinking about Hikaru?” he then asks.
Sungmin paused for a moment, debating if he should be honest or not. Because ever since the conference meeting, there was so much in his mind. Hikaru’s hard gaze on him only being one of them. Not entirely cold, but still hard and bothersome for him for the past few days. But it was a bit of an afterthought, most probably due to the fact that he had to think about how things will turn out now that he’s doing this all over again. Eventually, he nodded.
“Relax, it’s not like he’ll be mad forever.” Minseo reassured Sungmin as he stuffed a few shirts in his luggage. Turning back to him, he added, his smile wider now, “If anything, he should be more mad at me, the leader.” Sungmin frowned at this. They were both on the same boat that time, so to him, it didn’t make sense that Minseo would be blamed for keeping the secret more than he did.
“You’re our leader, of course he’ll understand. He knows the lengths you’re willing to go just to keep our group afloat.” he says. But Minseo interjected, cocking his head to the side, “Sure, but you’re his favorite.”
“Oh, shut up.” Sungmin snorted, rolling his eyes as he grabbed a sweater from his closet before going to his luggage and stuffing it inside. “I’m not wrong though?” Minseo defends, shrugging slightly as he continues packing, his gaze still on the younger male, “You’re technically his favorite, one way or another. He never shuts up about you, keeps asking about you. You know how much he has been looking out for you ever since, right?”
Sungmin closed his luggage and looked back at Minseo, seeing that smug look on his face. And he knows exactly what he's thinking. “There’s nothing between us.” he deadpans. Although, the other just smiles, “You sure? Because from where I'm standing, it seems like there might be.” Sungmin doesn't respond. Or rather, he doesn't know how to respond. He knows that he and Hikaru go a long while, but even so, there was no way that something could ever happen between them.
Why would there even be something between them? It's not like they were ever gonna happen. The line was clearly drawn between them, and Sungmin of all people should know that.
Instead of responding, he simply holds Minseo’s gaze before resuming his packing, which he notices seems to shut him up about him and Hikaru. Though, after a short pause, a thought suddenly crosses Sungmin’s mind. But this time, instead of keeping it to himself, he calls out, “Minseo-hyung,”
“Yeah?” Minseo says with a small chuckle as he closes his luggage upon finishing packing. Looking back at him, Sungmin asks, “Have you ever thought about debuting again? Like, if ever you had the chance to, would you want to debut again?”
For some reason, it’s a thought that seemed to linger in his mind. Sure, Sungmin simply wanted to help gain more fans to make their group more recognized now, but now that he thinks about it, does he really want to debut again? The possibility of that happening isn’t that slim, but even so, does he really see himself debuting again?
“Yeah, actually.” Sungmin snapped back into reality as he turned his head towards Minseo, his eyes wide. Did he actually hear that right?
“If ever that was possible, I think I wanna debut again.” Minseo confirmed, as he zipped his luggage before preparing another bag.
Sungmin felt a little numb for a moment, but he heard Minseo continue on, “For one, I think people would recognize my group more if I did debut and maybe, they’d check you out. And once my contract with the company is over, I can go back with all the fame I got with the final group, and maybe we’d become even more recognized. Don’t you think?”
Sungmin ends up nodding. Seeing that he got his point, Minseo continued on, “Plus, I might end up in a much better company if I did debut.” And Sungmin finds himself chuckling. He clearly wasn’t wrong about that.
“And lastly, I want to be seen again.” Minseo says, facing Sungmin fully as he finished packing. “We all joined Fantasy Boys to debut and be seen, loved, and recognized by everyone, but there aren’t a lot of opportunities for that to happen. Not when we’re here. So, even if we don’t share the same stage together, maybe, just maybe, I could still chase the same dream.” he concludes, looking away as he places his hand on his luggage on the bed.
It’s clear to Sungmin that Minseo has clearly thought a lot about it - participating in another survival show. Whether he debuts or not, it’s clear to him that he’s willing to chase his dream again to debut and be recognized. Perhaps, it was an added challenge to try again, knowing that he’ll be going against other amazing and talented people and learn a thing or two coming here. Who knows?
And for a moment, Sungmin finds himself not only understanding Minseo’s reasoning for debuting again, but also reflecting on why he participated on Fantasy Boys in the first place. “You wanna be loved by many people.” he blurts out, though his voice is softer than usual and the words were more to himself than to Minseo. “Yeah, I get that.”
Silence only fills the dorm now, but it’s a comfortable silence. A silence that’s much lighter now compared to the last few days since the conference meeting.
Minseo then approached Sungmin once the other boy was done packing, and gave him a hug. “I’ll miss you.” he says softly. Sungmin hugged him back, his arms wrapped around his body as he buried his face slightly into Minseo’s shoulder. It would have dawned upon him that he was probably never gonna see Minseo and Hanbin again if they both debuted in Project 7, and Wooseok, Hikaru, Hyeontae, Kaedan, and Gyurae too in a long time, or ever again if he debuted himself. And for a moment, Sungmin felt like crying.
But Minseo suddenly says, bursting into laughter, “Yah, Sungmin. It’s not like I’ll be away forever. If anything, I’ll be just a call away.” he added, earning a chuckle out of the younger boy. Letting his arms fall from the other boy slightly, he cupped Sungmin’s cheeks instead and gave him a soft smile. “If you need anything, let me know, okay?”
“Then can I ask you how Hikaru-hyung and the others are doing?” Sungmin asks, his tone lighthearted despite the slight wetness in his eyes now. Minseo rolled his eyes in response. “Okay, anything but that. We’re both joining survival shows and we’ll obviously not see them in a few months or so.” he says with a mock pointed tone despite himself chuckling, but he held Sungmin’s cheeks firmer now. “Though, I can tell you how Hanbin’s doing. Would that be okay?” he added, earning himself a chuckle from the younger boy.
After a short pause, Sungmin eventually nods, flashing his leader a wide smile. He was gonna miss Minseo for sure. Maybe not the most at the moment since they leave at the same time, but he’ll still miss him either way. And definitely a lot more once they part ways.
“Okay,” Minseo says, dropping his hands fully to pat Sungmin's shoulders reassuringly. “Get some rest, you have a long day tomorrow,” he fully pulls away from the embrace and leaves, heading to his bedroom.
Sungmin finds himself standing there, alone. But he doesn’t feel a heavy weight on his shoulders anymore like before. He closes his luggage and stands it up, before setting it aside. Maybe for once, he might be sleeping well tonight, or not, he’ll never know.
Either way, he just knew that starting tomorrow, things were going to be much more different now.