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Chapter Text

The Next day, Pinkie Pie feels terrible. She feels so bad that she starts doing more ketamine and also crystal meth (She eats the crystals because in Equestria, all crystals taste like rock candy.) She gets so high and cries so much that she creates a kiddy pool’s worth of tears. She proceeds to hallucinate a kiddy pool of tears, then she wishes it into existence so she now has two kiddy pool’s worth of tears. Suddenly Jesus appears. Pinkie Pie isn’t sure if he is real or if she hallucinated him too. Jesus says:

“Always remember to pay your taxes”

A fanfare plays. It is ‘Every Move I Make’ by Hillsong Worship music. He speaks once more.

“Remember that doomscrolling is not a substitute for food when filling the void in your heart left by everyone you knew and loved that are now gone and will never be here or the same again.”

Pinkie Pie looks up through tear stained eyes. “My Lord, why do you say these things?’

“They are the truth, my child.”

Pinkie Pie is now in love again. Parasocial love, with Jesus. He departs and ‘Every Move I Make’ by Hillsong worship fades as he ascends at the rate of a yeeted piece of broccoli. Pinkie Pie is taken to pony hospital where she is treated for drug overdose.

When she wakes up, she doesn’t remember anything from more than a month ago. She feels a strong urge to eat rock candy. Pinkie Pie is examined for mould poisoning and in the process, finds out she is pregnant. She cannot wait to tell her loving boyfriend, Lord Farquaad, the good news. A dramatic music track plays and Pinkie Pie is confused. “Can anypony else hear that?” She asks. The nurses think she is back on the ketamine + meth grind again and she is taken to the pony psych ward.
Pinkie Pie does not like pony psych ward. She hatches an escape plan. She sharpens all the pencils during designated colouring time and goes ham on all of the residents, nurses and patients. Blood is everywhere. She manages to disembowel a security guard. Nopony is left breathing. Pinkie Pie stands in the midst of it all, heaving and whinnying with fury before her face stills. She knew what had to be done.

She took to the streets and everypony went quiet and started whispering. Pinkie Pie is covered in blood and various fleshy, meaty bits. Her hair is matted with the stuff. Every hour she grows more pregnant. She must find Lord Farquaad quickly. Her desire for rock candy meth overpowers her desire to see Lord Farquaad, so she decides to take a pit stop somewhere with a stash first.

Pinkie Pie finds Gru’s secret stash of meth and eats it all. She is higher than the sun on the summer solstice. Her newfound energy makes her crave violence again. She finds Gru’s prize pink, bedazzled handaxe. This is the perfect weapon. She starts to vividly remember Jesus’ wisdom. She must remember the truth about doomscrolling. She drops the axe and falls to her knees dramatically.
Just then, Gru comes in with his hubby; "Jschlop". They are staring lovingly into each other's nasal cavities, a gesture of sexual affection. Just then, Gru notices her. Right next to his special handaxe. “Noooooo! My perfect child has been tainted by your touch!” He yells. He is pissed at Pinkie Pie. Gru pulls out his hot topic machine gun from the waistband of his underwear (he is skinnythick so he can't wear mens pants, so he wears womens pants which don't have pockets. The girlies get it.) and starts shooting at Pinkie Pie. She is out of ideas, there is nowhere to run, she is looking right down the barrel of a gun, so she dreams of the voices in her head, delusions mock her, her best friend is dead. Wait, she never had a best friend. What the fuck was that (please if you get that ilyyy). Pinkie Pie is hit. She is hit again. She is hit once more. She is hit another time. She is hit even more. She is hit again for good measure. "Jschit" gasps dramatically, one hand on his forehead another on his chest. “Great heavens! What should we do, Gruky-Pookie?”
Gru thinks long and hard. Many hours pass.
“Let’s display her body so everypony knows what happens to ponies that mess with my axes.”

Pinkie Pie is crucified on a wooden cross stuck into the dead ground of Gru’s front yard. Below her, a sign reads: “ This is the fate of those who touch my axes.”. By this time Pinkie Pie is sober once more. She feels herself getting dangerously close to birth. She must escape and find Lord Farquaad. Suddenly she feels her heartbeat slow and her insides make way. She is giving birth. Her abdomen starts splitting in two and her child emerges from her womb like a bird from an egg, clawing it’s way desperately to daylight. Pinkie Pie feels the life ebb from her body.

Pinkie Pie is dead.

The child, fresh from the womb, calls itself Sans Undertale. Megalovania starts playing obnoxiously loudly from nowhere in particular as Sans stands triumphantly. The child, who does not know language, sniffs out the nearest library and reads a dictionary. It is not very interesting, but Sans Undertale understands that he needs to learn more. He then reads several books on demonic rituals and practical necromancy. He returns to his mother’s corpse with a plan.

He finds it surprisingly hard to get the nails out of her hooves, but he manages. Sans Undertale carries Pinkie Pie off Gru’s property and to the top of a mountain that he has already prepared. Five living ponies sit in a circle. The only reason they stayed is because Sans Undertale promised they would be tax-free after the ritual. Candles and blood are strewn about like confetti. It doesn’t look professional but it will suffice. Sans places his mother in a 5-pointed star in the middle of the ponies.
The ritual requires the deceased’s favourite item, so Sans Undertale brought a mix of meth and ketamine mixed with holy water ( holy water is present for the ritual). He pours it over Pinkie Pie and starts reciting the incantation: “Ta mère est une milf, et ton père est un dilf.” He repeats this until he feels a presence among them. The six ponies are now levitating with their legs slack and mouths and eyes open, light streaming from them. The presence is not who Sans Undertale expects. Jesus appears. ‘Every Move I Make’ by Hillsong Worship starts playing.

“This app has been blocked by your administrator.”

He says calmly whilst floating in a T-pose. When he finally gains movement and looks down, he frowns unhappily.

“Bummer, I really liked that follower.”

Both Sans Undertale and Jesus sit in another two moments of silence before Sans asks “Can you do the ceremony if you like her so much?”. Jesus looks over at Sans like he’d just performed his own set of miracles (chat did i dangle my participle?).

“You know, I never realised I could.”

With a wave of his hand, Jesus resurrects Pinkie Pie.

“My work here is done. I must experiment with my new free will.”

‘Cornerstone’ by Hillsong Worship plays as Jesus ascends, symbolising a change. He ascends slowly this time. He ascends at the speed of a rhinoceros when it sleeps.

Pinkie Pies eyes open. She lives. All six other ponies begin convulsing on the ground. Jesus is still ascending, he reaches the lithosphere within a few hours.
Sans Undertale greets his mother. They do not need to talk because occasionally they are able to speak telepathically. Pinkie Pie gets up and walks slowly away from the scene and down the mountain. Sans follows briskly. They leave the gruesome scene behind for the Equestria janitors.

They head for Ponyville to search for Lord Farquaad. Along the way, they run into a fair. Pinkie Pie and Sans Undertale decide that they must complete some mother-child bonding objectives. They go on another killing spree. Nopony runs. Nopony screams. They know that they are done for. Pinkie Pie and Sans Undertale get bored very quickly and they shift back to finding Lord Farquaad.

They find him in his house in his bedroom in his bed with red amogus. Pinkie Pie gasps dramatically. This is the biggest, hottest cup of tea in all of Equestria. She gets out the phone that she stole from "Jschweetly sings the donkey" and starts filming. She doesn't care that he is cheating, as she is starting to remember the horrible, vile things he has done.
She streams live on twitch. Almost immediately the entirety of Equestria is watching and betting on what will happen next. Pinkie Pie is making a lot of money. She just passes one million dollars when red amogus looks up and screams. It screams so loud that it is heard all throughout ponyville. All the ponies run to the scene at the speed of black friday shoppers. They are gossipping. One of them yells “Hey is that the imposter?”. Red amogus is now a sussy imposter. Farquaad gasps and starts bawling loudly, “I thought what we had was real!”. Red amogus sussy imposter opens up it’s chest cavity and consumes Lord Farquad.

Pinkie Pie (still suffering brain injury from her resurrection) rips the tibia from the nearest pony’s leg and starts absolutely whaling on red amogus sussy imposter to properly kill Lord Farquaad. Red amogus sussy imposter hisses and writhes, becoming an amorphous eldritch being of many limbs, arms and faces. Pinkie Pie runs to the center of the house and presses the emergency meeting button. An alarm sounds and everybody appears at the meeting. They all vote to eject red among us sussy imposter.
Red among us sussy imposter reaches the lithosphere at the same time as Jesus.

Pinkie Pie is regarded as a hero. She is marched to Equestria and a democratic preferential election is held between Pinkie Pie and Celestia. Pinkie Pie wins because of the sheer amount of propaganda flooded though Equestria.

Pinkie Pie’s first decree is that methamphetamine and ketamine become legal. Sans Undertale’s first decree (as prince) is that Gru and "Jskibidi dop dop dop yes yes" are jailed for obstruction of resurrection.
Sans Undertale begins his plans for pony earth domination. He turns all citizens of Equestria into either soldiers or slaves for the nation of Undertale. Pinkie Pie’s reign is one of terror. She holds absolute control.

In jail, Gru and "Jschlieffen" form a plan to escape. They organise yoga Tuesdays for all the inmates in the prison. After a few weeks, the prison guards stop caring and all the inmates have a suitable thirst for freedom. On the eleventh of September, the prisoners kill all the guards with their yoga-kung fu mix of martial arts. Gru takes his handaxe out of his ass and starts chopping up the guards into small pieces. It is a bloody, brutal battle. Gru stands, looking over the mess with "Jschonight will be the night that I will fall for you". He is a hero from a superhero movie.

The prison inmates, led by Gru, rise up against Pinkie Pie.

Slim Shady becomes the anthem of the revolution.

The culminative (shut the fuck up it is a word google docs) day comes. Gru and "Jschim on tonight you know my hips don’t lie" storm the palace with all the slimmest and shadiest ponies. “Je m’appelle Slim Shady!” He yells as the hordes of Pinkie Pies soldiers bear down on them. After a brief and bloody battle, Pinkie Pie and Sans Undretale are captured. Order is restored.

The next day, Pinkie Pie and Sans Undertale are burned at the stake. Pinkie Pie’s fumes are bright pink and smell disgustingly like burning caramel.
Gru gives a speech while Pinkie Pie screams demonically in the background. Sans Undertale does not die. He is already dead. Gru’s speech is about the wonders and glories of communism. He decides to erect an elective monarchy.
Obama-Pony takes control and is declared king. Nopony complains. He is significantly better than Pinkie Pie.
The woke movement forces everyone to dye their hair blue and select a set of pronouns.
Equilibrium is restored and the hero’s journey arc is complete.

Chapter Text

In the wake of Pinkie Pies death, a nation celebrates. Pinkie Pie had rigged her house with explosives so that when people came looking for her stash nopony in a large radius would be alive, and any evidence against her would be gone. Except, she was most likely high when she rigged the explosives and so she rigged them wrong. Clouds of meth and ketamine, atomised by the explosion, float all over Ponyville. Everypony in Ponyville gets extremely high. Fortunately the drugs wear off before anyone gets violent.

Obama-Pony sits on Equestrias throne, stoic and smiling. Little did he know, Princess Celestia was back from her time in the north, fighting Fix-It-Felix. She bursts through the main entrance to the castle, as violently as Sans Undertale’s birth. Trailing behind her are six black male strippers covered in a white powder (please somebody understand that reference). She snorts and whinnies in a rage, but Obama-Pony doesn’t understand her as she has developed the accent of the north.

She yells for her strippers to charge, and they sure darn do. They run in perfect diamond formation in the direction of Obama-Pony. Obama-Pony shrieks in terror and runs to the highest point of the castle before letting rip the foulest scream ever heard in ponyville.

~*~

Gru’s ears pricked up. He knew that scream. That was Obama-Pony’s distress call. He jumps valiantly to his feet and prick up ‘Jschoke me like you hate me but you love me and you really want to date me’, who he had shrink-rayed to pocket size and puts him in his utility bumbag. He grabs his beloved bedazzled hatchet and heads for the castle.

~*~

Obama-Pony knows he is saved when he sees Gru on the horizon. Gru Rockets in on the same rocket used by his nemesis to almost kill his now departed ex-wife. Gru jumps off suavely and the rocket hits the northern tower and kills all six strippers. Their flesh flies in all directions, finally free of their bones and vital organs. Obama-Pony looks at Gru. Pink, cloudy hearts erupt around his head . Obama-Pony is in love with Gru. Just then, Princess Celestia bursts through the floor with her super-deadly-laser-shooting chest hair. This is the height of politics in Equestria. Gru rockets off again, powered by the sheer strength of his jump. Obama-Pony is not as good at jumping. He shrieks and begs for mercy, but Celestia is an unmerciful girlboss. She screams at him and raises her chest, ready to fire. Lasers shoot out of her chest in every direction. Obama-Pony is hit 47 times.
He falls in slow-motion. A sad soundtrack plays. Perhaps it is a sad overture from a documentary he narrated. His face shows both surprise and fear. He dies. Obama-Pony is dead. Democracy is dead. Long live Celestia’s hereditary monarchy.
~*~
The rule of law is enforced by Gru (the plural of Gru). They are morally grey clones of the man himself. They are vicious, strong and they will never give up. A special suit of Gru protect the castle. An even more elite and trusted few protect the queen herself. These Gru are all drones controlled by other Gru remotely. All aspects of the military are Gru.
Fear strikes Queen Celestia when she runs out of the original Gru’s DNA. She attempts to use the DNA of Gru that she has, however they experience generation loss. She now seeks The First Gru and his DNA.

A manhunt ensues for The First Gru. Dream manhunt music is blasted through every speaker in Equestria. Fueled by the music, Gru manages to escape to Equestria’s border, shrink-raying his house and wearing a cool disguise. He is about to cross the border when he hears “Jschat his pants” yell. He screams out in agony “GRUKY POOKIE! I AM DYING!” Gru quickly reaches into his backpack and pulls out his shrink-rayed house. He then shrink-rays himself and walks into the house.
Blood is everywhere. “Jschwait they dont love you like i love you”’s guts are hanging from the ceiling fan. His head is 2.6542 meters away from his spinal cord. Gru runs in, stricken with fear. He would never be able to hold “Jschou spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round”’s spine attached to all his vital organs again. Gru kneels down and picks up “Jschtick to me stick to me like caramel”’s head. “I’m here for you shnookums pookie bear.” “Jscharamelldansen”’s eyes roll to the back of his head and he begins to recite a prophecy.

“Skibidi dop dop dop yes yes. Skibidi Toilet. Ohio rizzler sigma fanum tax. Rizzler baby gronk sigma six seven six seven skibidi.”

Gru did not understand. He did not expect “Jschik tock on the clock but the party don’t stop” to speak the language of the ancients. Gru hastily scribbles it down on a napkin. Task Acquired. He needs to find someone who speaks the language of Brainrot. Gru stands up, leaving behind “Jschalifornia girls we’re unforgettable”’s body. As he exits the house, Gru drinks the “special potion” that makes him larger again. He leaves the house in search of a new destiny. A new life. Maybe he doesn't need to be burdened by things like love and prophecy.

Gru feels free and happy like he never felt before. He tears up the napkin into 5 and a half different pieces and skips merrily into the sunset. He was going to live in the woods past the borders of Equestria, building a house out of fallen, eventually hewn, trees and fishing in the lakes. Maybe he would make a waterwheel. Just for fun. Freedom never felt so good.

Suddenly, a shot rings out. Blood blooms from Gru’s chest. His arms fly upwards and outwards, as do his legs. Even more bullets find themselves in Gru’s body. Gru, leader of the rebellion against Pinkie Pie is bleeding out in the grass of the fields near the Equestrian Border. So close to the freedom he desperately craved, so close to the life he never knew he longed for. As he draws his final breath, he turns his eyes in the direction of the forest. The trees sparkle with morning dew. He sees a deer in the shrubline that borders it. Everything there is peaceful. He reaches out, maybe he could touch a blade of grass blessed with the diamond dew. Before his hand closes, he is gone.

As his character arc is not complete, God decides to let Gru live as a ghost with the instructions to find a translator for the prophecy. The napkin is magically reformed and Gru’s spirit descends back to earth. However, it has been hundreds of years since his body died. Equestria is very different. It is a futuristic dystopia, not unlike DEMA. Gru is cast back to the spot where his body died and is very surprised to see that grassland falls away in front of him to reveal a valley of gravel. At its mouth, and within it at the very bottom, almost underneath the gravel, water pools in almost a river. Gru sees many figures standing around the top of the valley. They wear green and yellow. “How odd.” Gru says, floating toward them. As he approaches, he sees they are dropping yellow things into the valley.

Gru peers over the edge and sees a figure running through the valley to its mouth. The figure is dressed in green with yellow stripes like the people standing on top of the valley. Something behind the running figure captures his eyes. A majestic white horse carrying a rider in a robe as red as the valleys of blood that trailed behind them like footprints through sand. He decides to jump down and float alongside the rider in red. The rider’s face is very familiar, though he can’t quite place it through the thin veil covering their face that flips about in the wind. He decides that the veil is superfluous and rips it off the rider’s face. They are very alarmed. They almost bring the horse to a stop.

Gru was right. It is Little Red Riding Hood, one of his many past flings. Unfortunately, Little Red Riding Hood cannot see him. Gru decides that this is no fun anymore and he wills himself into a more fun place. Or at least he tries to before God shifts him into limbo to tell him he must translate the brainrot prophecy. Gru grumbles and moans and groans and stomps his feet for good measure but God does not care. God yeets Gru into the most historical place on a specific earth.

Gru is sent flying through several stratospheres; colours, sounds and lights buzz past him as he is flung. He can feel several lifetimes pass in the different worlds and dimensions. When he lands in the present of the world he is yeeted into he is concussed, even though he is still a ghost. Above him is a visage more beautiful than the first roses of spring and more lovely than their smell. Is that… Freddy Fazbear?