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The distant sound of an alarm clock chiming woke Lexa with a fright. Her jade green eyes sprung open as she shot up from her bed. Small beads of sweat stuck to her forehead as she tried to control the rapid flutter of her heart beat.
"It was just a dream, just a dream." she reassured herself, her hands clutching tightly to her bed sheets.
One single tear escaped her eye, leaving a cool wet trail down her left cheek. She looked over to her alarm clock, 6:30am on the dot. She reached over with shaking hands and ripped it from its socket, silencing it immediately. The room was silent once more as she collapsed back into her mountain of pillows. She dare not close her eyes, afraid of falling back into the nightmare she had woke from. Instead she stared at the white of the ceiling.
Two years, she thought to herself. How had time gone so quickly? Two years since the love of her life Costia, had been ripped from her life, leaving nothing but an all consuming void where her heart used to be. Two years ago they were planning their future together, where they'd raise their kids, what house they'd buy, where they would holiday in the summer. Two years ago the world was at Lexa's feet, and now she walked through life without knowing where her feet would carry her, no real goals to aspire to, stuck in a dead end job that she hated just to pay the bills.
Her friends had supported her, stood by her for so long, told her that it wasn't her fault, but it was. She knew that they shouldn't have gotten in that car, knew they should have waited for the taxi to take them home. But they did and the last thing she remembers before the world turned black was Costia taking her hand and whispering sweetly in her ear, "You look beautiful tonight."
Then a bright flash filled her eyes, she later realized that was the headlights of the oncoming car. That was the last thing she saw before waking up in the hospital.
As she lay there basking in the quietness of the early morning sun, Lexa swallowed back tears, knowing that if she started she would not be able to stop. She'd drowned in oceans of them for months. Eventually her eyes went dry and baron like a summer drought. She had nothing left, though her body shook, her eyes stayed dry, though her fists punched holes in the walls, still her eyes stayed dry. And she thought she'd never cry again, but the first anniversary of the accident came around and the flood gates opened once more.
She didn't leave her apartment for a week. Eventually her best friend Anya pulled her out of bed and made her act like a functioning human being again.
Without Anya, Lexa would have simply wasted away. It was Anya who was there for her when she woke, it was Anya who held her when she got the news, it was Anya who had stood by her the entire time. Lexa didn't know what she'd done to deserve a friend like her, but she always thanked the universe for finding her.
This time was different, Lexa could feel it. Though she could easily have dissolved into a puddle of her own tears, she had grew tired of feeling week and helpless. So she rose from bed, her limns no longer her own. Like a cold emotionless robot she made her way through the apartment getting ready for her day.
She walked outside and caught and walked down the road to the little cafe by the corner of the street. She ordered two coffees, and waited for Anya. This was their every day routine, coffee, chatting (Anya mostly) and then off to work for eight hours before going home again. But today was different. She saw it written all over Anya's face the moment she walked through the door. Her face was flustered and her eyes were puffy. She smiled, a small sad smile before walking over and taking her seat.
"Sorry, I know, I'm late." Lexa slid Anya her coffee across the table.
"It's fine, I wasn't waiting long. Coffee should still be hot"
Anya sipped from the cup eagerly making a satisfied sound, " Arrrr, that hit the spot."
Lexa gave a small smile and looked down at her own hands wrapped around her coffee cup. A far way look crossed over her face and disappeared quickly as she brought the cup to her lips. Anya pursed her lips and her eyebrows furrowed slightly.
"How are you, this morning?" Anya says gently.
Lexa understood the double meaning behind the seemingly innocent question. Translation: 'Are you going to fall apart?'
She nodded before answering.
"I'm good." she tried to fake confidence but Anya saw right through it.
'Lex....."
"No really, I'm doing fine. I'm up, I'm out. The sun is shining outside and the birds are chirping. I'm doing fine."
"It's ok if you're not." Anya reached over and placed her hand on Lexa's, their eyes met and Lexa looked away afraid that her walls would crumble to the floor and turn to dust.
"I know." Lexa swallowed. "But really Anya, I'm fine."
Anya did not press Lexa, instead she looked at her in that way she did when she understood what Lexa was saying even if she couldn't actually bring herself to say it. They'd been friends since childhood and knew each other inside out, Anya knew when to push and when to leave it be.
"Ok, well Mike is making his famous spaghetti meatballs if you wanna swing by after work and eat with us." Anya offered
"Raincheck?"
"I'll save you some."
"Have I ever told you that you're the most amazing best friend in the world." Lexa forced a smile that did not meet her eyes.
"You could say it more." Anya teased, taking another sip from her coffee.
They finished their coffees and went their separate ways for the day. Work was a welcomed distraction, though she despised her colleagues and the work itself was soul suckingly boring. Each day she sat in front of her computer and punched numbers in her tiny cubicle. The pay was crap and there always seemed to be a stale odor that filled the floor. People would sit in their small cliques in the lunchroom and talk about who was having an affair with who, or about their kids. It did not interest Lexa in the slightest. She hated her job. It was Anya who had found her the job after she had quit her journalism job, too depressed to leave her bed after the accident and the endless operations.
A year later and a 'temporary' job seemed to go on forever. But today was different. Today she spoke to her colleagues, eager for human interaction. She powered through the pile of work that sat on her desk. Soon it was time to knock off and she stood outside of the office building torn. She had almost made it, all she had to do was go home and lock the door behind her. Her body took over once again. She flagged down a cab and gave an address that was not her own.
She walked into the florists shop and bought her favourite flowers, lillies. She walked the rest of the way, her feet carrying her ten blocks a left a right and through a rusted gate. She walked past all the head stones and angels looking over from above, past the willow tree standing ominously, it's branches swaying in the breeze. Then her feet stopped. There were fresh flowers laying by her headstone. Brilliant shades of pink and yellow roses. A teddy bear holding a heart, a framed picture of the old gang at graduation and envelopes with her name on it. Lexa placed down the flowers among the others and bowed her head in respect. She wanted to say 'I love you' ,'I miss you', 'I can't breathe some nights without you'. But today was different. Instead she stood there her hands in her pockets and she smiled. She smiled at the memory of Costia and the time they had together, though short, they had loved each other like a blazing fire. She remembered her and for the first time since the accident she did not cry.
That could not be said for the woman two rows over from her. The sound of her sniffling seemed to fill the cemetery. Lexa tried not to look up, she tried to be respectful and to ignore the sound of the grieving woman but the sound was heart breaking. Lexa looked up to see a blonde woman kneeling in front of a gravestone. At that same moment she stood and dusted her knees off. Lexa should have looked away then, but still she stared. The blonde turned to leave and caught Lexa staring. Her eyes were the brightest blue Lexa had ever seen from crying. Her face was a bright red from crying and the pain, god the pain written on her face. Lexa knew that pain, had lived with that pain every day for two years. An understanding seemed to pass silently between the two as they stood before someone they had both loved and lost. The blonde nodded, tears freely falling down her slender cheeks. Lexa nodded back before the blonde walked away. Lexa sighed and went back to staring at Costia's headstone. She felt a sudden splash of water on her nose, followed by several more heavier splashes. She held her hands out and looked up at the now black clouds. The heavens opened. One last look at her headstone and Lexa ran to the street. She flagged down a taxi. As she was getting in she noticed the blonde woman standing by herself in the rain. Something about the way she had looked at Lexa before seemed to stick in her mind, the understanding of pain.
"Stay here," she told the cabbie before running over to the blonde woman, "Hey, are you waiting for someone? Do you wanna maybe split a cab?"
"Oh no, it should be fine. My friend is picking me up." the blonde replies.
"Are you sure? You'll freeze if you do." The blonde looks to the cab and back at Lexa.
"Where are you headed?" The blonde asks
"24th on main."
"That's only a few blocks over from my place." the blonde said, her lip shivering in the cold rain. She looked to the cab and back to Lexa, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, come on I'm freezing."
They made a quick dash to the cab and piled into the warmth of the back seat. Lexa gave the cabbie directions and off they went. It was silent to begin with, neither one of the two women spoke as the rain continued outside,. After a few blocks the blonde spoke first,
"Thank- you." Lexa turned her head to face the blonde. She did not make eye contact with Lexa, instead she starred at her feet.
"It's no bother." Lexa replies casually. It was silent again for a few moments more before she spoke again. "I'm Lexa by the way. Lexa Woods." She offered out her hand to the blonde.
This time their eyes met. "Clarke Griffin."
A warmth shot through Lexa's hand and worked it's way up her arm and over her body. Her shivering ceased and her cheeks found their colour again.
"Nice to meet you, Clarke Griffin. Sorry it's not under much happier circumstances. " Clark gave a small smile in agreement.
"My Dad." was all Clarke said, looking away and down at her lap again.
"Girlfriend." Lexa replied, her throat began to close up.
They were quiet again. Their minds wondered to their lost loved ones.
"How do you live with it?" Clarke's voice was raw, her eyes brimmed with tears as she desperately tried to blink them back.
"You just do." Lexa says quietly, her eyes looking off into the distance.
"Does it get easier?"
Lexa considers this for a moment. A year ago her life was inside her small apartment, drinking away her sorrows and drowning in her own tears. Today she had a job to keep her busy, a mending social life which consisted mainly Anya and her boyfriend and well that was all she really had, but it was still more than what she had last year. The pain was still there buried deep within herself but it was still there. The hole seemed to never close. Does it get easier.
"I'll let you know. I'm working on it." Lexa replies honestly.
Clarke nods and wipes back a few tears that had managed to escape from her eyes. "Sorry, I really need to learn to keep my shit together and not have a breakdown in front of complete strangers."
"Don't apologise." Lexa says seriously. "The first year for me was hell. I didn't leave my apartment for weeks . I'd answer the door for the pizza delivery guy in sweatpants and sauce stained hoodies while balling my eyes out. Safe to say I don't order from there anymore."
Clarke breathes a sympathetic laugh. The taxi pulls over to the curb outside Lexa's apartment buliding.
"Well, this is me." Lexa says as she reaches into her bag and pays her half of the cab fee.
"Oh, right." Clarke clears her throat. "Thank you again, for the taxi and for listening to my mini breakdown."
"Don't mention it. It was nice to meet you." Lexa holds out her hand to shake Clarke's.
Clarke takes Lexa's hand and is met with an instant warmth that spread rapidly through their bodies. "It was nice meeting you." Clarke smiles through blurry eyes.
Lexa purses her lips and nods as a strange pang pulls at her. "Look," Lexa begins, "when I lost, Cos..." her voice catches and she too has to clear her throat, " Costia, I saw no point in living, somedays I still feel like that. If it wasn't for my best friend I'm pretty sure I would be dead too. She dragged me out of bed and put me into a support group. I think I've...." Lexa trails off as she searches her purse fro a pen and paper. She scribbles down an address and a phone number. "Here," she hands Clarke the paper. "this is the address of the support group I went to and their number. It sounds like a total drag and I hated it at first, but.... But it helped me realise I want to live."
Clarke takes the paper and runs her fingers over Lexa's wavy handwriting. "Maybe I'll give it a try." Clarke looks at Lexa hopeful.
Lexa gives a small smile and opens the cab door. "Oh good it's not raining anymore." Clarke sighs in relief.
"Huh," Lexa huffs, "fancy that." She steps out the cab and gives Clarke one final goodbye. She closes the door and the taxi takes Clarke away.
She watches the taxi until it disappears into the sea of traffic. The sun above shines brightly and kisses her cheek. She looks to the sky and for once she finds peace in knowing that Costia was looking down on her.
Lexa sat quietly reading the mornings newspaper waiting for Anya to meet her for their usual morning caffeine hit at the cafe. She nibbled on her blueberry muffin and sipped from her morning coffer. It was a normal day by all accounts, outside the traffic was loud as early morning commuters fought to make it to work on time, the cafe itself was a buzz with caffeine addicts , herself included. But she felt different. Three months ago she was stuck in a dead end job, miserable and deprived of joy in her life. Now she was writing again, in a new job. She woke each morning with a sense of purpose, something she had not done in a long time. She was trying to live in the moment instead of dwelling in the past. She'd started to go to gym and even had gone out with Anya for a couple of drinks. Things had changed, she was healing.
As she sat in her and Anya's usual booth she was surprised whena woman approached her. "Hi, Lexa right?" Lexa put down her paper and looked up, only to be greeted by blue. Blue eyes, blue sweater, golden hair. It was the woman she'd shared the taxi with. Clarke. Lexa's eyes lit up.
"Hey yeah, Clarke right?"
"Yeah that's me. I didn't think you would recognize me dry eyed." Clarke joked lamely.
Lexa smiled, "Would you like to sit?" Lexa gestured to the empty seat across from her.
"Oh, are you waiting for anyone?" Clarke looked at the second coffee on the table.
"No, she's late as per usual." Lexa sighs and looks down at her watch.
"Your..." Clarke's face falls slightly
"Friend.' Lexa says too quickly causing Clarke to relax and smile once again. Lexa clears her throat. "My best friend Anya, always late. But please sit. "
Clarke obliges with a toothy grin. "So, how have you been?" Clarke asks genuinely.
"I've been doing great. Just started a new job writing for the online news outlet Zoom."
"That's fantastic! Congratulations."
Lexa gives a goofy grin and takes a sip from her coffee.
"Yeah beats typing numbers into a computer all day, my old job was torture."
"Oh what did you do?'
"To be honest I have no idea. I just copied and pasted most of the time." Clarke raises her eyebrows and laughs.
"That bad huh?"
"You have no idea. I'm just glad to be writing again. I didn't realise how much I'd missed it until I started again. Now it's like I get this twitch in my fingers and I have to write, all these words swirl through my head and..." Lexa stops herself and meets Clarkes eyes, they'e soft and amused. "Sorry, I get carried away and once I start I can't stop. It's a horrible habit." Lexa smile apologetically.
"What, no don't apologize, it's refreshing, to see someone so compassionate about their work."
"What do you do?." Lexa asks, she shifts excitedly in her seat.
"Photographer. Fashion shoots mainly." Clarke took a sip from her coffee.
"Oh wow. So you're surrounded by beautiful people all day then?" Lexa says playfully.
"Aha, the sacrifices we make for art." Clarke smiles and wiggles her eyebrows.
Lexa chuckles and blushes slightly as Clarke stares into her eyes.
The sound of a phone chiming breaks the moment. Lexa looks away bashfully as Clarke checks her phone. She sighs, "I'm really sorry, but I have to go."
"Oh no it's fine." Lexa reassures.
Clarke rises and Lexa watches her with puppy dog eyes.
"Why don't we do this again sometime?" Clarke offers.
"Yeah, that'd be great."
"Here," Clarke pulls out a pen and paper from her hand bag and scribbles down her number. "Text me. Ok?"
"Yeah, yeah. I will. "
Clarke grins and walks away as Anya enters the cafe. Anya sees the blonde beauty leave looking rather pleased with herself. Anya looks at Lexa and then at Clarke as she walks off down the street. Anya opens her mouth is surprise and takes her seat with Lexa. " Holy mother of mercy Woods. Did you just get that girls number?"
Lexa shrugs and hides her smile behind her coffee cup. "No big deal." She says casually.
"No big deal? No BIG deal?" Did you see her? Definitely a big deal."
Lexa simply rolls her eyes. "I haven't seen her in here before." Anya says taking a sip from her coffee.
"I shared a cab with her a while back."
"When?" Anya presses
"I was at the cemetery she was too, it was raining so i offered to split a cab."
"The cemetery?" Anya raises her eyebrows
"Yeah, and she saw me waiting for you just now, so she came over and said hi. No big deal."
Anya shakes her head.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Lexa laughs
"I just haven't seen you smile like that in a long time is all." Anya smiles warmly and steals a bite of Lexa's blueberry muffin.
"You're being dramatic." Lexa brushes her off.
"Me? Dramatic? Never." Anya teases flipping her hair to the side.
Lexa rolls her eyes but the smile remains. Her cheeks began to ache as her muscles are worked over for the first time in long time.
"So are you gonna call her?"
"Jesus, Anya I just got her number."
"You're right. Gotta play it cool. Wait at least three days." Anya nods and sips her coffee.
"Three days?" Lexa raises her eyebrows in surprise.
"Three days, trust me." Anya reassures.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Lexa takes out her phone and begins to add Clarke's number to her phone.
Anya swiftly snatches the phone away, "What are you doing!" Lexa exclaims in confusion.
"You are not fucking this up for us Woods!"
"Us?"
"Yes us, because I am not going to listen to you whine about how you scared away one of the hottest girls I have ever seen, because you couldn't wait three lousy days."
Lexa rolls her eyes "I was not messaging her," She snatches her phone back and holds up her index finger to silence Anya's protests, "I was saving her number."
Anya eyes her suspiciously. "You wouldn't lie to me?"
"No Anya, I wouldn't lie to you." Lexa says in a monotone.
Anya smiles, "Good." Its quiet for a moment between them. Anya cocks her head to the side and studies Lexa's intense concentration as she saves Clarke's number into her phone. "You really like her." She doesnt say it as a question, its written all over Lexa, a blind person could have seen it.
Lexa looks up at her best friend and smiles bashfully, "Maybe."
Anya smirks, "Maybe? Pfft ok Woods."
Lexa just shakes her head and sips on her coffee. She leans back in her seat and stares at Clarke's name in her phone. Try as she may she can't wipe the smile off her face.