Work Text:
“What’s the point? There’s no guarantee that we'll be alive by tomorrow.”
Growing up, Fushiguro would’ve never thought twice he’d find himself in life-or-death situations. It only makes him miss his lack of childhood even more. He would’ve much rather spent his time doing things most kids his age did.
But it’s too late anyway. Reminiscing now will get him nowhere, so all he can do now is just try his best to survive.
“Did you ever have a girlfriend, Fushiguro?” Itadori had once asked him, out of genuine curiosity. However, he felt stumped, unable to answer such a simple question. “It’s okay if you don’t wanna tell me!”
“No. I never did.”
But it’s not like he wants a relationship. He just simply could never be in a relationship. He may be very stable for his age, but everything else in his life is a collapsing mess. He couldn’t stand making a promise to someone, knowing at any moment, he could die.
“But didn’t many girls confess to you in middle school? Kugisaki told me all about it!~” Fushiguro just shrugs, because he knew he’d never be able to give his honest answer to Itadori. Everyone here just assumes he isn’t interested in finding love.
Yet, deep down, he has many wishes. He wants to be a normal teenager, to be able to get stuck doing homework, or go outside and play with his friends. He wants to find love. He wants to be loved.
“Never thought about it.”
He lies through his teeth, hoping Itadori won’t notice.
“Have you?” Fushiguro thoughtfully asks, and Itadori’s expression falters for a second, before returning back to his usual smiley self. “No, I never really had any romantic experiences with anyone,”
But, after that conversation, Fushiguro went through a rabbit hole of emotions. At some point, he wondered what his love life would be like if he hadn’t been a sorcerer. Yet, no matter how much thought he tries to put in, his mind goes blank every time.
All he can see is leaving someone behind, with the burden and pain of loving him.
So, he decides to never think about it again. What’s the point of it, anyway?
These feelings of wanting only worsened as time went on. It especially gets worse when he realizes his newly developing feelings for Itadori.
It starts as simple as a warm feeling in his heart whenever he sees Itadori. He would feel more at peace with his existence by Itadori’s side, all his previous worries about surviving disappearing.
Whenever he’s alone, by himself, those feelings would return again, eating him whole. He can feel the gnawing feeling in his stomach, the words and synonyms of death lingering in the back of his head.
Itadori was his peace. At least for a while, until his feelings only got stronger.
He finds his heart skipping a beat whenever Itadori gives him his usual smile. He experienced what people call ‘butterflies’, for the first time in all these years. He can feel his stomach flutter when Itadori puts his arm around him.
He would find their close proximity suffocating, but peaceful. He’d smile more often, without realizing himself.
And for once, the world he’s been seeing in black and white for so long has some colour in it.
Except, this feeling is eating him alive. It’s painful to feel this way about someone, especially Itadori. He knows, very well, that neither of them had enough time.
Every time he leaves Itadori, his mind screams at him to tell him the truth. To hug him, cherish him, and love him before it’s too late. Even so, Fushiguro holds his composure, pretending he isn’t hurting inside.
Days pass, and the feelings only grow. He can feel sick to his stomach when he’s near Itadori because all he can think of is the pain he’s in.
He once felt at peace with him, but now all he can think of is his burdening feelings. The feelings that are slowly straying away from his friend, his life.
Yet…
Itadori would never know.
He would never know how much Fushiguro craves his love, his touch, his kindness, everything about him.
But why?
Because….
There’s too little time.