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Lan Qiren felt his belly jiggle and wiggle. "What the sigma?" he pondered, arising from his restful slumber, stroaking his lucious glorious majestical goatee as he ascended out of bed. He looked down at himself, and noticed his belly bulging slightly, he poked it with curiosity, feeling something bounce around in his pooch, which previously was a completely flat 600 pack of pure alpha strong abs. "Am I, Gregnant?" Lan Qiren exclaims, with the force of a fish giving birth to 4 babies at once.
"Uncle, its late--" Lan Xichen says with worry in his voice until he was cut off by Lan Qiren Collap-ing onto the wooden floor. "Uncle?! Oh my golly goodness, Someone come help and take him to the position! (the doctor)" Lan Xichen yelled, as lan cultivationers flew over and into Lan Qirens living quarters to grab him and take him to the position (doctor).
Lan Qiren wakes up from being asleep because he collapsed and stuff to an awfully handsome doctor with the nametag Shen Quanrui. "Doctor Doctor help me!" Lan Qiren shrieks hands behind his head and mouth in an O shape, expressing his immense shock and surprise. "Heh you're pregnant, Mr goatee man." Shen Qianrui deviously smirks before ascending away like the god he is. then he comes back down to also add "you're having twins" before ascending again. "Ricky when i catch you Ricky... you're not that young and rich tall and handsome as me..." Lan Qiren mumbles whilst waving his fist in the air as if he was an granny yelling 'get off my lawn!' whilst their dentures fall out.
"Wait, if im pregant, then who's the baby daddy?" Lan Qiren wonders, suddenly remembering that last night, he had a 'dream' that his obviously 520cm long schlong had no where to go so it came alive and entered himself. Wait, was that not a dream, and was he pregnent, from himself?!
As Lan Qiren processed this insane information, Wen Ruohan for some reason suddenly burst into the room..? "No, I am the fertilizer of the child!" he ejaculates, (literally, like in the sense of yelling). "erm no ur not i am stop lying" Lan Qiren responds blankly, his goatee getting mad at the lie, suddenly freaking out and stabbing Wen Ruohan, chopping his balls off in the process?! "WHAT THE FLIBIDI?!??!" Wen Ruohan screams, before imploding into ashes just like Wei Wuxians old body, never to be seen again.
Lan Qiren is mildly shocked, but just assumes his goatee was going through a pregnancy mood swing or something so he shrugs it off and walks out of the position (doctors office.), picking up Wen Ruohans severed family jewels as a prize for getting rid of his meanie weenie ass, stroking his goatee with pride. But whilst exiting the position(doctors office) he inhaled some of Wen Ruohans ashes, and that formed another baby that was actually Wen Ruohans, oh no!! Lan Qiren doesnt know about this yet so shhh.
Lan Qiren wanders outside, holding his belly bump feeling as if it has increased in size rapidly, and goes back to his quarters, Lan cultivators staring at him in disbelief but too afraid to say something to him, so they just continue on their way.
On the way back to his quarters, he runs into Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, shock taking over both of their faces at the sight of Lan Qiren pregante. “Uncle… what happened to you..?” Lan Wangji whispers before Wei Wuxian bursts out practically sobbing laughing “pfftt Lan Qiren, who did this to you” he manages to force out before resuming to laugh, holding his abdomen giggling, whilst Lan Wangji’s ears go red with embarrassment. “how dare you ask such a question?! Go away!” Lan Qiren screams before throwing a book he spawned out of no where at him, before he ducked and it hit an unsuspecting lan junior, poor guy 💔. Wei Wuxian was now literally doubling over laughing as Lan Qiren glared at Lan Wangji with the most spooky wooky glare ever, before stomping off back to his living area.
“heh if he can do it then that means one day we might have literally like a billion little lans running around with the way we engage heh wink wink nudge nudge” Wei Wuxian sing songs after composing himself and beginning to pull Lan Wangji back to their quarters. “Mn” Lan Wangji replied with his ears redder than ever, as he took off his headband and pulled Wei Wuxian back to their quarters with it swiftly. “you damn rabbit” Wei Wuxian laughed before they like disappeared and like probably ascended into the sunset cause theyre like gods and everyone should worship them everyday!!
Lan Qiren finishes stomping back to his living quarters and decides to take a nap, all this pregnancy stuff is hard yk? "Honk mimimimimimi" Lan Qiren snores, vro is eeping now.
Meanwhile inside his tummy tum tum, the fetus' are battling.
“Gah! You fiend, how dare you encroach on my side of this human incubator with your obviously inferior goatee!” Fetus 1 growled, their goatee flaring in warning.
“How dare you suggest such a thing about my obviously more alpha goatee you absolute tootface, face my wrath!!” Fetus 2’s goatee tweaking out and suddenly going to pull out Fetus 1’s goatee, starting a full-on Fetus war!
As the Fetus’ were engaging in their war, another fetus magically spawned and sat their watching the chaos ensue, pondering “where the flip am I and why are these two goatee things fighting 🥀” stupid dookie fetus pondered, as gazed upon the fetus’ battle which literally looked like that thing in the movies where they become a big scribble of smoke or wtv where a cat sound plays and also that one video of the babies fighting with a pole.
After a while, the Fetus’ noticed their womb feeling smaller than usual, before noticing that stupid dookie fetus was encroaching on THEIR womb. “that thing smells like wen ruohan, that guy lied to us, wanna like get rid of vro im kinda hungry :3” Fetus 1 asked sillily “sure gang, since we have a common goal wanna have a goatee of the same length n call truce n be equal cause we’re totally so much better than that thing :D” Fetus two yippied giddilay before they both probably ate stupid dookie Wen Ruohan fetus cause I think fetus’ like actually do that in the womb holy cow.
With all the commotion, Lan Qiren woke up.
“What the flip why is my belly jiggling AGAIN what is HAPPENING, is this my pregnancy hormones💔” Lan Qiren thought, tweaking out before punching his stomach to get the fetus’ to shut the toodly doo up. The jiggling stopped after that, Lan Qiren getting eeby sleeby once more before conking out like honk shoooooo againagaigainagain.
The sun rises over the horizon, blinding Lan Qiren awake, he wipes his eyes and straightens his hair before getting up and looking in the mirror, now realising his stomach had increased to full size randomly!? “WHAT THE FLIP?!?!?!?!” Lan Qiren exclaimes in pure unwavering shock before his water breaks. “HELP ME WHAY” he screams, before Xiao Pingguo bursts into Lan Qirens room as if he smelt an apple. “what the flip why is a literal donkey here” Lan Qiren questions, holding his stomach, preparing for birth. “im here to help with the birth” Xiao Pingguo magically speaks in a deep voice before preparing Lan Qirens bed for him to lay on for the birth. “ok since im literally giving birth I have no time to question this so orkay 🥀” He says before laying down on the bed, spreading his glorious legs to make way for the child.
“wait I never had the opportunity to ask anyone this, where will the baby come out of..?” Lan Qiren asks with fear. “Ur 520cm peanits of course :3” Xiao Pingguo replies, calm as if they said nothing of questioning. “MY 520CM LONG ABSOLUTE UNIT?? WHAT. ITS TOO LONG FOR ALLAT WAIT AHH I FEEL THEM COMING” Lan Qiren screams as he begins to push two whole ass babies out of his bichenshilt.
“PUSH!! PUSH!! PUSH YOU CAN DO IT HOTTIE YOU CAN DO IT” Xiao Pingguo yelled, encouraging Lan Qiren in his journey. “GYATTDANGIT IM PUSHING CANT YOU SEE ME” Lan Qiren replies as the babies make their way through his peeny weeny like a snake swallowing a bear whole, before the two fetus’ flew out of him and nearly splat onto the wall before their huge goatees stopped them from literally becoming Wei Wuxian’s Yiling Laozu body after he died. “wow, theyre just like me fr 🥺” Lan Qiren sighed in awe, stroaking his goatee, before no-longer-a-fetus 1 and no-longer-a-fetus 2 climbed over to him using their goatees into his arms to be cradled. “wsg papa” no-longer-a-fetus 1 spoke miraculousslsy, making Xiao Pingguo recoil in pure shock and faint like holy moly! Lan Qiren honestly could not care less cause the apple donkey just helped him give birth so.
Lan Qiren sat there cradling his no-longer-fetus’, before noticing the carcass of stupid dookie fetus laying on the floor. “what the flip is that ☹️” lan qiren frowned before looking to his no-longer-fetus’ for an answer “that’s Wen Ruohans thing, it spawned with OUT our consent so we got hungry 🤤” no-longer-a-fetus 2 replied, getting hungry again . “what the flip how did that get in me dude” Lan Qiren replies furrowing his brows. “idk dude but that guy sucked so we got RID of vro.” No-longer-a-fetus-1 says with conviction.
“changing the topic, holy molay your goatees are so glorious my dearest offspring, I knew trading my left ball with gang was the right choice, I have finally achieved the perfect offspring!” Lan Qiren proclaims with pure joy. “heh real, our beautifully equally long goatees are majestical.” No-longer-a-fetus 2 rizzes.
“well uhh what do we do now” Lan Qiren wonders. “idk dude maybe we should like sleep and then continue this in likeee later chapters” no-longer-a-fetus 1 suggests. “ykw good plan, lets all sleep!!!” Lan Qiren says, as they all sleep instantly in unison.
The end!! For now heh.