Work Text:
Jiseok likes feeling cared for, protected.
Jooyeon’s hand, bigger than his own, makes him feel that way when their fingers are intertwined.
Jooyeon, his boyfriend for almost two years.
Jooyeon, the guy he met purely by chance on a packed bus ride home one random Thursday, who stopped him from falling.
"Woah, looks like you're a bit too short to hold on properly. Can I hold your hand so you don’t fall?"
Jiseok likes feeling heard, loved, understood.
Jiseok likes sharing time, food, secrets, hugs with those he loves.
...
Jiseok doesn't like his boyfriend’s attitude lately.
Spending time at Jiseok’s apartment had become routine, they would go straight from class to Jiseok's place, do their homework, eat, shower, and fall asleep in each other's arms after a lazy kissing session.
Jiseok loved the feeling of his boyfriend’s lips on his own, loved how that big hand rested on the back of his neck or how his thumb stroked his cheek. He loved rushed kisses when they were late and long ones used as excuses not to say goodbye yet.
"I don’t want to leave, Seokie," the younger boy whispers against Jiseok’s lips, then kiss him again, lightly biting his lower lip at the end.
"Will you miss me?"
"Every second I’m at least a meter away from you."
However… Jiseok hasn’t liked where Jooyeon’s kisses have been heading lately.
Now they’re a little more desperate, hungry, messy.
He tried to keep up at first, but then Jooyeon started kissing his neck, touching under his shirt.
Jiseok didn’t like being touched like that.
So he would usually pull away abruptly? Surprised? Uncomfortable?
At first, he didn’t understand why Jooyeon had a hint of disappointment in his eyes. But now, as he sinks into his bed and his thoughts, he gets it.
He understands that Jooyeon wants to go further, wants to take the next step.
What Jiseok doesn’t understand is his own negative reaction to the idea.
Why has he been avoiding his boyfriend’s touch?
Why has he been avoiding letting Jooyeon sleep over?
Why, when Jooyeon starts kissing him, does he gently push him away and kiss his cheek instead?
Anyone would say it’s natural, that it’s okay not to be ready, that it’s okay to be nervous.
But Jiseok doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready.
Sighing, he grabs his laptop and searches:
Why don’t I want to have sex with my boyfriend?
Of course, there are thousands of results. From possible trauma to one word that sticks in his mind.
Asexuality.
Jiseok tries to say it out loud, but the words get stuck in his throat.
Tears fill his eyes as he continues reading.
He realizes then that he doesn’t want to be touched like that, doesn’t want to be seen naked, doesn’t want to see Jooyeon naked, doesn’t feel desire, doesn’t feel the need.
Is something wrong with him?
He gulps as he reads people’s "opinions" on the subject.
'What a joke. Every human needs to satisfy themselves, to reproduce.'
'You hippies keep inventing more nonsense every day.'
'I just see people making excuses for trauma.'
'Intimacy is one of the most fundamental parts of a relationship...'
Intimacy?
Jiseok and Jooyeon do have intimacy!
Intimacy when they’re lying under the blankets late at night talking about everything and nothing.
"...and maybe, just maybe, we could adopt a kitten," Jiseok whispers, just centimeters from the younger one’s face, gently stroking his long hair.
Jooyeon giggles softly, showing just his front teeth. "You know you're allergic to cats, love," he replies in the same tone, brushing Jiseok’s eyebrows with his thumbs, then his eyelashes. "A hamster is the best I can offer you, take it or leave it."
Intimacy when they talk about their feelings and feel safe opening up to each other.
Jiseok pulls Jooyeon closer and rubs his back in slow circles. "Things usually happen for a reason, you know? Maybe it didn’t work out now, Joo. But soon you’ll get a new job opportunity — an even better one, I’m sure of it."
Jooyeon, hiding in his boyfriend’s neck, pulls away slightly to look him in the eyes, trying to smile and nod, but he knows Jiseok isn’t fully convinced.
"Joo... you know it’s okay to cry, right? You’re here with me. You can do it."
The moment the words reach the younger’s ears, heavy tears stream down his cheeks.
Jiseok sets the laptop aside. He has to talk to his boyfriend about this.
Suddenly, there’s loud knocking on the door. It can’t be Jooyeon, he has classes until late today.
Jiseok considers not opening it for a second, but the knocking gets louder and more persistent. Frowning, he cautiously opens the door.
A flustered Jooyeon with his hair half-tied rushes into the apartment without saying a word, heading straight to Jiseok’s bedroom.
Jiseok is speechless at the sudden visit and his boyfriend’s behavior, frozen for a second before reacting and following him.
"Joo? Hey, I wasn’t expecting you at this hour..."
"Where is he?" the younger one interrupts, frowning with anger.
Jiseok is confused.
"What? Who are you talking about?"
Jooyeon doesn’t answer, he tears off the bedsheets, opens the closet, checks under the bed.
"Excuse me? Can I know why you're suddenly going through my room like this?" Jiseok insists, demanding an explanation.
"Where did you hide him?" Jooyeon asks from the bathroom after finding nothing.
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Jiseok raises his voice slightly, his patience thinning.
"The guy you’re seeing behind my back!" Jooyeon finally explodes. Now they’re in the living room, the coffee table between them.
"E-excuse me?" Jiseok asks, wide-eyed, thinking maybe this is some kind of joke.
"Come on, Jiseok. I’m not stupid. I’ve noticed your attitude lately. You don’t want me staying over anymore, you don’t want me kissing you or being affectionate..."
"And so you just assume I’m cheating on you!?" Jiseok yells, his voice more forceful than intended. All the emotions he’s been bottling up are spilling out, and Jooyeon is clearly the same.
"I mean... yeah? You weren’t giving me any explanation, so I thought maybe you were seeing someone else."Jooyeon breathes deeply, looking calmer now, maybe even ashamed of the scene he just caused.
"It’s because..." Jiseok lowers his voice too, taking a deep breath. "It’s because I noticed you wanted to go further every time we were alone."
He avoids Jooyeon’s gaze, nervously playing with his fingers. He knew he had to talk about this eventually, but he didn’t expect it to be so soon.
Jooyeon sighs with relief. "Why didn’t you tell me, Ji? I... I thought you wanted it too. It’s been almost two years, and I figured maybe it was time. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I thought you were ready."
"That’s not it, Joo..." Jiseok finally dares to meet his boyfriend’s eyes and not even when he came out to his parents did he feel this nervous.
"I... I don’t want to have sex..."
Jooyeon interrupts with a comforting smile. "Yeah, I understand baby, we can wait until—"
"...Never."
Jooyeon’s smile fades into a confused frown. "What do you mean?"
"Joo... I-I think... no, I know I’m asexual." Jiseok confesses, his voice trembling.
Even though he feels a weight lifted, a knot tightens in his stomach when he sees his boyfriend’s expression.
"What? No... Ji, that can’t be," Jooyeon says, as if Jiseok just made a joke. "I-I’ve seen how you get when we kiss... you get hard."
"Y-yeah, well, that’s just a natural body response. But it’s not something I want to act on," Jiseok answers, now a little more sure of himself.
"B-but... how do you know you don’t like something if you’ve never tried it?" the younger asks, now sounding a bit desperate.
Oh come on.
"I just know, Joo. I don’t want to sleep with you..."
"You don’t find me attractive?" Jooyeon asks, fear in his eyes. Now it’s Jiseok’s turn to panic.
"No! That’s not it. It’s just that... I don’t want you to touch me like that. It’s not that I don’t love you," he says, lowering his head.
Jooyeon looks away, running his hands through his hair. Jiseok hears his shaky breathing.
"I thought you’d maybe understand... is it really that important to you?" Jiseok asks, afraid of the answer.
Jooyeon looks at him for a few seconds before replying. "Since the day we became boyfriends, I’ve dreamed every night about that moment, about making you mine, about how you'd look, how you’d feel... you can’t imagine how long I’ve craved being close to you that way."
Jiseok hears the desire in Jooyeon’s voice, but he doesn’t feel the same, he can’t visualize what Jooyeon sees.
"We can be even closer in other ways," Jiseok insists, but the other shakes his head.
"You don’t understand, Ji..."
"No, you don’t understand! I feel like some kind of freak, like everyone around me is talking about a dessert they’ve tried that tastes amazing, but I don’t want to try it because I’m not hungry." Jiseok wipes away his tears and clenches his fists.
In contrast, Jooyeon looks calm.
"Then what are you suggesting?" he asks.
"I’m not going to give in, Joo. I’m sorry."
The room falls completely silent, but something louder than their thoughts lingers in the air:
Breakup.
Jooyeon walks over and wraps his arms around his boyfriend in a comforting hug.
"I’m sorry for how I acted earlier, for the way I spoke to you, for everything, please forgive me..." he whispers, stroking Jiseok’s blond hair.
"I’m sorry for how I spoke to you too... I should’ve talked to you before I exploded like that. Forgive me too." Jiseok hugs him back, hiding his face in his lover’s neck.
"We’ll find a way to work through this, like we always do, okay?"
Jiseok loves when they make up, but he knows there's still a lot to talk about. For now, though, he just nods.
It’s been almost a month, and it seems like everything has slowly returned to normal. Jooyeon is sleeping over at Jiseok’s place again, they’re going out on dates, kissing like nothing ever happened.
Jiseok feels calm when his Joo goes back to being Joo: sweet, funny, adorable, and not trying anything else.
It’s late at night; they should already be asleep, but they stayed up watching a movie Jiseok had been wanting to see for a while.
“Do you mind if I sleep without a shirt?” the younger one asks. Summer has begun, and the heat is becoming unbearable with each passing day.
“Sure, no problem,” Jiseok replies from the bathroom as he finishes brushing his teeth.
Jiseok doesn’t notice Jooyeon’s wide smile at the affirmative answer.
After finishing his nighttime routine, Jiseok lies down next to his boyfriend, who pulls him close to his chest and hugs him tightly. Jiseok lets out a couple of giggles and returns the gesture.
Jooyeon doesn’t say anything, simply gazes into Jiseok’s eyes before cupping his face and kissing him softly. Jiseok kisses him back just as gently, enjoying the touch, wrapping his arms around his lover’s neck to bring him even closer. Jooyeon shifts, now hovering over Jiseok, supporting himself on his elbows.
“God, you look so beautiful...” Jooyeon whispers. The older boy glows under the moonlight, his big eyes turning into crescents as he smiles, and his full lips are slightly red.
“You look beautiful too,” Jiseok whispers back, admiring how the younger boy’s shiny hair falls like curtains over his face.
Jooyeon kisses him again with all the tenderness his hunger allows. Jiseok slows down a little, feeling odd, but tells himself he’s probably just overthinking. He tries to stay calm as Jooyeon traces circles with his thumbs on his waist, kissing along his jaw and down his neck.
He’s exaggerating, he tells himself. Joo is just trying to kiss him, like all the times before.
When Jooyeon slips a hand under his shirt to caress his lower belly, Jiseok convinces himself it’s still okay, but when Jooyeon moves a hand under his shorts to touch him over his boxers, Jiseok panics and pushes him away abruptly.
Jooyeon’s eyes go wide; he’s suddenly out of his trance and his heart shatters at the sight of how scared Jiseok looks.
He realizes what he’s done.
“Hyung…” he says, voice trembling.
Jiseok swallows hard, hugging himself, his lower lip quivering. He can still feel Jooyeon’s touch on his body.
And he doesn’t like it.
“Hyung, Ji, I-I’m sorry… I—damn it, I’m so sorry.” Jooyeon takes a step back, then another, ending up at the edge of the bed. “I scared you, didn’t I? I’m sorry, I must have scared you.” He repeats it over and over, clutching his hair tightly, the idea of having hurt Jiseok destroying him.
“I thought… I had changed your mind.” Jiseok finally says after a long silence. Jooyeon doesn’t take long to reply.
“I thought so too.”
Jiseok doesn’t dare get out of bed. He looks at the boy standing in his room.
“Joo…”
“Yes, hyung?”
“Joo.” He says again.
Jooyeon understands this time.
They tried. They tried to save themselves. But now, there’s nothing else they can do.
They know that if they force it, they’ll just end up in the same situation again, a vicious cycle.
Jooyeon’s eyes fill with tears.
“I’m so sorry, Ji.”
“I don’t hate you, Joo. I never could,” says Jiseok.
That’s enough to make Jooyeon cry, and he awkwardly grabs his shirt and puts it on.
They don’t say the word, they don’t like it but they know it’s over.
“I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m sorry I couldn’t be him,” Jooyeon says with a bittersweet smile, though his tone is sincere.
Jiseok nods. “I hope you find someone who loves you with the same passion you love… I’m sorry I couldn’t be him,” he replies.
Jiseok only starts crying once the door to his apartment closes.
Jiseok likes to feel cared for, protected.
Jungsu’s hand, which is bigger than his, makes him feel that way when they hold hands.
Jungsu, his boyfriend for a year now.
Jungsu, the boy he met in a library in the romance aisle. “Woah, you’re kinda short, let me get that for you.”
Jungsu, the one he walks hand in hand with down the street.
“Hyuuung, tell me where we’re going already.” Jiseok pouts. The older boy laughs sweetly and leans in to kiss his boyfriend’s pout.
“I already told you, it’s a surprise,” he replies with enviable calm.
“Does it include cats?” Jungsu laughs again.
“You know you’re allergic, love. But it might include puppies.” Jiseok opens his mouth in surprise and keeps chattering away, trying to guess what surprise his boyfriend has for him.
They arrive at the subway station, and while they wait, Jungsu wraps his scarf around Jiseok’s neck, it’s already February, but the cold is still unbearable.
Jiseok thanks him with a kiss on the cheek. They get distracted for a while watching something on the older boy’s phone. The train passes in front of them, people getting on and off, and Jiseok gets lost in the scene.
Suddenly, he sees someone get off the train who looks familiar—brown hair, a bit shorter than he remembers, front teeth sticking out.
He’s holding hands with someone else.
They make eye contact, and he immediately notices how Jooyeon tenses slightly, then smiles and walks over.
“Hyung! It’s been a while…”
Jiseok smiles back, noticing how Jungsu lifts his eyes from his phone.
“Jooyeon-ah… yeah, it has been a while. How have you been?” he asks.
“Good, everything’s been good. I went back to Ansan for a while, but I came back because I finally got the job I always wanted.” The younger boy says cheerfully, and Jiseok is truly happy that Joo fulfilled the dream he once cried over many times. “How about you?”
“Uh, well, everything’s been good for me too. I’m studying for a second degree and have a part-time job at a library near where I live now…” Jooyeon nods, looking cheerful as well.
They fall into silence for a few seconds, and the air grows a bit awkward.
“Oh, right. Hyung, this is my boyfriend, Seungmin.” Jooyeon finally says, introducing the red-haired boy. He’s wearing thick glasses and is dressed really well.
Seungmin smiles and greets him with a respectful bow.
Seungmin is very handsome; Jiseok can tell he suits Jooyeon well.
“This is Jungsu, my boyfriend,” Jiseok says, and Jungsu stands to greet them with a smile. The other two are a bit intimidated by Jungsu’s height but return the gesture politely.
Jooyeon looks at Jiseok with nostalgia. He’s happy that he found someone else, someone who truly understands him.
He knows because he notices the asexual flag pin on Jungsu’s backpack, matching the bracelet Jiseok wears.
“I’m glad I saw you, Jiseok hyung,” Jooyeon says as a goodbye.
“I’m glad I saw you too, Joo.”
Jungsu walks up to his boyfriend and, in a shy gesture, says, “Sorry to interrupt, but the train is coming, baby.” Jiseok snaps out of his daze and nods, taking his boyfriend’s hand again.
Jooyeon nods and says goodbye one more time, wrapping his arm around Seungmin’s waist as they walk away.
Neither of them looks back.
They don’t feel the need to.
They’ve both already found who they needed.