Work Text:
As If I’d Be Anyone Else
The office door to the fukutaichou’s office of the squad eleven barracks opened with a loud creak. The office was old, the hinges were worn, and it was more than a bit misaligned from the countless times Ikkaku had smashed Yumichika up against it in fit a of passion.
Ikkaku was annoyed and exhausted — they had all been since the war — and unless it was Yumichika coming through that door, he was ready to start a good old-fashioned brawl, and not the fun, sexy kind that ended up with him and his husband naked and sweaty, wrestling on the floor.
“Ikkaku?”
For fuck’s sake. It wasn’t Yumichika.
“Dammit Rukia, don’t you have your own damn squad to boss around?”
“Not when it’s so fun annoying you.” Rukia’s tone matched the cool gaze in her eyes and statuesque, almost stuffy, posture.
Ikkaku puffed out an exasperated sigh, never lifting his gaze to acknowledge the new taichou of squad thirteen as would have been appropriate for a fukutaichou. This was his and Yumichika’s last day of work before they had two days off in a row, which meant he could finally take Yumichika somewhere fun and they could let off some steam. But, apparently, he was going to have to deal with whatever shit squad thirteen had going on, first.
“Whatever this is about, it’s not stopping me from leaving here at four pm sharp,” Ikkaku barked as he scribbled down notes on a loose square of paper.
Curious, Rukia inched closer to him and snatched the paper out from under Ikkaku’s pen, clicking her tongue on her teeth. “What’s this Madarame-fukutaichou? Doesn’t look like work to me.”
Ikkaku lunged forward from his chair, fingers grazing the edges of the paper, before Rukia pulled it up over her head.
“Oh I’m sorry, Taichou,” he growled, insincerely bowing a little too much, even taking his colleague’s rank into consideration. “I didn’t realize that Zaraki-taichou hired you to snoop and make sure I’m doing my job.”
“You’re so defensive!” Rukia sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “That’s nonsense. Of course he didn’t.”
“So why the hell are you mousing around here, then?”
“I wanted your help…regarding Renji?” The cool tone in Rukia’s voice dissipated toward the end of her statement. It was a little less knowing, less exasperated.
It was supposed to have been a statement, not a question. Ikkaku could tell by the tone. She sounded almost uncomfortable or unsure, which wasn’t something Kuchikis were known for. Sure, she’d never be able to beat her brother in terms of his resting bitch faces, but usually she was more haughty than this, which could only mean…
She better not be asking about relationship stuff. “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“What?”
“If you have a thing for Renji, you’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The response was shaky, almost embarrassed sounding, and Ikkaku could see the discomfort on Rukia’s face and her tight little fists clenching her taichou’s haori.
“Umm…” A loud, nervous chuckle bubbled up from small woman as she waved her hands in dismissal, but there was a sort of frantic energy that Ikkaku picked up on. “No! No! I don’t. Not anymore. But, I guess I was wondering if…”
After giving Rukia a few seconds, Ikkaku assumed that the trailing off either meant that she didn’t know what she wanted to say, or she was too nervous to say it. “You’re asking me to use my gaydar?” he asked bluntly.
“I guess…”
“Did you just come to the only living gay guy you know and assume he knows who all the other gay dudes are?”
He mostly could, but it was so fun to tease Rukia. Plus, he was already on a roll. He’d probably eat shit from Bya later, but it’d be worth it.
“No! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean…”
Ikkaku knew his brand of humor wasn’t for everyone. Thinking about it, on a good day, the only person he didn’t offend was Yumichika — and maybe Zaraki-taichou. Yachiru used to think he was funny, too. They could make each other laugh so hard.
A pang of grief drove a steel knife through his windpipe as all breath was punched out of him. He wished Yumichika was there with him. Thankfully, the comical panic in Rukia’s voice pulled him back to the present. “Shit. It’s okay! I’m just being an ass,” he laughed.
Rukia’s expression instantly snapped back to ice. Most of the Gotei 13 members were completely enraptured by her gorgeous bankai. She was the snow queen of squad thirteen — appropriate given their insignia. But, Yumichika always joked that she reminded him more of a Yuki-onna just waiting to lead unsuspecting Gotei members into snowstorms to freeze to death. Looking at her face, Ikkaku thought his husband was on to something.
“You’re obnoxious, and I don’t understand how anyone would voluntarily spend time, much less their entire life with you,” she said in a tone that could have frozen rain mid-air. Byakuya would’ve been proud.
“Hell if I know. Just got lucky I guess,” he sighed dreamily. Damn he was lucky. “So what? You want to know if Renji is gay? Yes.”
The answer didn’t seem to pacify Rukia. She still gripped her haori, grunting like she was a constipated baby, and Ikkaku really wanted this conversation to be over. Now. He didn’t know how to talk to people that didn’t hit first and ask questions later. Well, except Yumichika, and he only asked questions half of the time.
“And my brother?”
Oh no. Not touching that with a ten-foot pole. “Ask your own damn brother.”
Rukia sputtered out some sort of spastic, exasperated something or another, and all Ikkaku knew is that she had spit on his face and badly needed a breath mint.
“I know he’s your friend!”
“Correction — ” Ikkaku leaned off to the side, forehead in the palm of his hand, eyes wide open. His head hurt…and his eyes. “He’s my friend by transference because he’s Yumichika’s best gal-pal. Also, your breath smells like ass. And not the good kind.”
“I don’t understand how you’re not forever alone,” she deadpanned, massaging her temples.
Seeing the expression had Ikkaku waiting for another bite, but Rukia moved right on. “So is my brother also your good friend’s…boyfriend?”
“Ding, Ding! You hit the nail on the head. Good job, detective Taichou, but if you want anything more, you’ve gotta talk to them.” Feeling a little guilty about giving a sarcastic smile and thumbs up, Ikkaku softened his tone just a bit. Yes, he was still a crabby hermit after all these years, but he should probably try to play nice with his husband’s friend’s little sister who was also his good friend’s good friend. This was too much for his exhausted brain. He just wanted to get the fuck out and see Yumichika.
“Sorry, Rukia. It’s not that I don’t want to help you, but there’s a lot of fucked up shit going on with your family and there’s the whole Bya being Renji’s boss thing. It’s a little convoluted, and I think they would appreciate it if you’d talk to them.”
“Oh, okay…” The tiny woman nodded her head slowly, and turned toward the door. But, just when Ikkaku thought he’d be free to sneak away, she turned back. “Aren’t you Yumichika’s boss?”
Funny. Really it was, and Ikkaku’s lovable but slightly eccentric expression showed it; however, he didn’t say a word. Evidently, the silence made Rukia even more tense as she forced a laugh, trying to shake off the awkwardness.
“So…you’re planning a date?”
Finally grabbing back his notes, Ikkaku chuckled warmly. “What? Are you surprised I wanna take my husband on a date?”
“Sorry! I know I’m not good at making conversation, but no I’m not surprised you want to take Yumichika on a date. I think it’s sweet.”
It was time to throw Rukia a bone. It was obvious she was uncomfortable or confused and just looking for conversation, but Ikkaku knew he wasn’t a stellar conversationalist either; he could probably talk about Yumichika. It was that or start a fight in his office. As much as he loved throwing down, he didn’t think Rukia would appreciate it as much as he did, so Yumichika it was. “He bought a gorgeous little dress that he’s been wanting a reason to wear, so we’re hitching a Senkaimon to the US. I wanna take him to his favorite gay club. It’s a surprise though.”
“So…how does that work?”
“What? Going on a date? You’ve never been on a date?”
Apparently he’d said something wrong again, because Rukia lifted her little clenched fists, looking like she was about to have a damned aneurysm.
“I’ve been on a date before!” Rukia growled. “Maybe…”
She looked nervous again. Being this open with anyone wasn’t something that Rukia did. Not unless your name was Kurosaki Ichigo, and even then, that took a pair of hydraulic jaws to get her to open up.
“So you’re gay, but your husband is basically a woman, so how does that work? Sorry, I’m not trying to be rude. I don’t have a lot of exposure, I suppose. I mean, Yumichika is basically Byakuya’s best friend, too. I guess, I want to understand more.”
“Okay, so yes, I am very gay,” Ikkaku chuckled remembering his first conversation with Yumichika about their sexuality — he got asked whether he liked women or curved swords. “That was never a question for me. I don’t remember a single damn time in my life where I thought I liked girls. I came out of my mom gay.”
Shit, she looked so uncomfortable. But, Ikkaku was using his warm, not-at-all-homicidal laugh, and purposely relaxed his posture. What else was he supposed to do to put her at ease?
“But then you’re attracted to someone that’s basically a woman?”
“He’s not a woman, though. Not to him, not to me.” Ikkaku just shrugged. He wasn’t sure what else to say, and hadn’t really ever thought about it. He was pretty sure Yumichika had never thought about it either.
“Okay, but I don’t really understand that either I guess?”
“You know, you’re probably better off asking Yumi about this.”
Rukia shifted uncomfortably in her seat again, lowering her gaze to the hands that were elegantly folded in her lap. “I don’t want to offend him.”
A loud, wheezing laugh burst from Ikkaku’s mouth and nose, the unexpected burst of emotion causing Rukia to fly off her chair.
“Trust me, there are PLENTY of things that'll offend Yumichika, but not that. He’d probably give you a damn dissertation with a presentation and then a fashion show. I mean, I’ll try to explain it as best I can.”
There was brief silence as Ikkaku contemplated his words. How did he explain someone like Yumichika? Sure, he knew how he felt about the love of his life, but that wasn’t what Rukia was asking. She was in essence, asking Ikkaku to label him so he could be better understood, but it wasn’t possible to slap a one-size-fits-all label on his husband or cram him in a box. Try to shove him in a box, and he’d bust out, glitter flying all over the damn place, screaming at Ruri, but still ready for a fight.
“Yumi wouldn't say he's not a man, but he wouldn't be offended if you called him, her. He'd roll with whatever. He's proud of his queerness and just likes celebrating beauty; he always has. He can find beauty in anything: music, art, books, food, weapons, his fighting style, but also fashion. When he finds something he thinks is beautiful, he doesn’t think twice about wearing it even though he found it in the women’s section somewhere, or if it was worn on the runway by a woman, or if it’s a makeup look that was modeled by a woman. All of that stuff doesn’t mean a damn thing to him. I mean, he wears men’s clothes, too. Sometimes with heels. Sometimes he wears a dress with a tie. He doesn’t care, and to be honest, I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him to care. It’s just how he’s always expressed himself. He’s himself, and he doesn’t give a fuck what other people think — no excuses, no apologies.
A chuckle puffed it’s way from Ikkaku’ s nose, and he beamed, vision glassing over, tears pricking at his eyes, but it was going to be a cold day in hell before he’d cry in front of anyone but Yumichika.
“He’ll be out in that club looking fucking gorgeous with his little silver dress and heels, all done up, long armpit hair in full view, men’s blazer, and not give a damn what anyone else thinks. Its one of the things that I love about him.”
A full belly laugh rumbled out of him. “Piss him off, and he’ll kick ass like that, too. Him and I sparred right after our wedding and he was wearing a huge, poofy-ass wedding dress. He won, too. And one time, we were in Karakura having supper, there was an attack, and he kicked hollow ass in stilettos. He’s fucking amazing.”
“You really love him a lot, don’t you?”
As Ikkaku smiled, he felt the warm and bubbly but fierce reiatsu entering the barracks and making it’s way toward them. “Hi!” he yelled before Yumichika even opened the door.
“Baby!” Yumichika squealed, perching himself on his husband’s desk, posing, purposely preening, apparently not caring that Rukia was sitting there like an awkward rabbit.
Laying his head in his lover’s lap to get his bald head caressed and pet was one of Ikkaku’s favorite things in the entire damn world, so he dropped his head to Yumichika’s thigh, snuggling into the warmth, just breathing as a soft hand and elegant fingers rhythmically smoothed back and forth from his forehead down to the nape of his neck and back again.
“Guess what?”
A giddy Yumichika could see his husband’s ‘I have a surprise face.’ It was impossible to miss with that ridiculously cute and doofy smile. “Ooh, What?” he squealed.
“Got a surprise for you.”
“Really? It’s not my birthday, and it’s not your birthday, and it’s not our anniversary either.” Yumichika looked up at the ceiling, furrowing his brow, tapping the pointer finger of his right hand gently each fingertip of his left, as if counting. “It’s also not groundhog day, or greenery day…”
Rukia sat, completely dumbfounded by the list of ridiculous holidays being spewed from this otherwise intelligent man’s mouth. Who would ever need a surprise on groundhog day? No one.
At one point, she completely lost track the conversation, focusing more on what was wrong with Ikkaku’s face. He was a complete asshole with a smug, annoyed expression not even fifteen minutes ago, but now he grinned like some sort of weird poster child for relentless optimism that also had a few screws loose — like Pinky except there was no Brain.
“Ha! Don’t need a reason to spoil you.” Ikkaku smiled, nipping at Yumichika’s thigh.
Yumichika was of the opinion that his husband was the best at surprises, and couldn’t keep his excitement from bubbling over. “Ooooh! What is it?”
“Nope. It’s a secret. You have to wear your new dress though.”
Despite their company, he didn’t even try to pretend he was elegant, instead clapping his hands like a performing sea lion, beaming at Ikkaku. “My new dress? Really?”
“You’re gonna looking fucking gorgeous.”
“Can I dress you, too? I’ve got something hiding in the back of my closet that I may have saved for a special day.”
“I love how you always ask like I have a choice,” Ikkaku laughed, tilting his face upward to meet a steamy, open-mouthed kiss from Yumichika, who was bent at the waist, black hair falling down to tickle his husband’s skin as he looked down at him.
One kiss ran into another and another until they finally parted, gripping each other, breathless and gasping. Both turned their gazes to Rukia who was uncomfortably cemented in her seat, cheeks red, giving a disbelieving side eye. And Yumichika just cracked a smug smile, extending and flicking one perfectly manicured hand in a lazy, dismissive gesture.
“Are you seriously dismissing me? I’m a taichou! You should be bowing or something!”
But, Rukia was in the squad eleven barracks, and both Ikkaku and Zaraki knew who the real boss was. “Oh, honey, I don’t even call my own taichou by his title. Just this morning I called him a ‘monosyllabic pirate,’ because he only communicates with grunts of disapproval or overt displays of violence.”
“And you didn’t get some form of reprimand?” Rukia asked incredulously.
Ikkaku tugged at strands of his partner’s hair and chuckled. “Nah, my baby’s the boss of everybody, aren’t ya?”
The sound was sweet and proud, and it melted Yumichika’s heart. All he could do short of exploding in squeals was to nod, nuzzling Ikkaku’s nose.
“Alright it’s four pm, and we’re getting the fuck out of here! Piggy back ride?” Ikkaku jumped off his seat, crouching down to let Yumichika jump on his back and immediately slap his ass to spur him into action.
As they turned to the door, Ikkaku leaned in toward Rukia, smiling. “That’s a gigantic fucking understatement, by the way,” he whispered.
“Huh? what baby?”
“Nothing sexy, let’s go!”
The heat ed breath of a soft loving chuckle warmed the back of Ikkaku’s neck. “Hyah! We ride at dawn! Or…now!” Another fit of giggles tumbled from Yumichika’s lips as he kicked his heels into Ikkaku’s sides.
“Oi! Watch it, or I’ll be too injured for the surprise,” Ikkaku teased.
“Or I could ride you harder.”
“Yup, or that.”
With that, Ikkaku charged out the door, letting it swing shut behind him with a loud creak.
Rukia was left sitting alone — not to reflect on the important information she’d originally come to clarify, but to seriously consider how her brother could possibly associate with people who had such appalling manners and an obvious disregard for Gotei 13 hierarchy. Then again, there was something about them. Something… magnetic. Maybe that was what drew her brother in.
Ah! She knew exactly what it was!
They were just themselves, and she had a feeling they'd always been that way — something her brother never got to do.
Smiling to herself, she turned and left the office, leaving behind a drawing of two bunnies kissing, with one word, ‘Thanks,’ on Ikkaku’s desk.
♡ ૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა 🥕♡
ありがとう
♡ K.R.♡