Chapter Text
For most of his life, he held one singular goal…study abroad. From the moment his parents separated, and from the day he and his siblings were left to fend for themselves. No parent is in sight to help them, and they can only provide for themselves. They struggled, as many kids would, without the support of a parent. That singular goal helped him cope with some of his issues. For all of his life, he knew one thing: he had to be an excellent student, because if he was not, then he could never accomplish his goal.
Shane was in his room completing assignments for his classes. His siblings were in the common area, doing and completing various activities. He focused on the math problems before him, one of the only things he had most control over. He could complete these problems that had an answer and not have to question things. The world was not like that. He could not have a solid solution, and that frustrated Shane. Life was unfairly complicated, and Shane could not afford to play around.
Life seemed simple for others, and Shane felt envious; no matter what he did, it was never enough, and he had to go on to the next task. He was often frustrated with his siblings and how they could mess around; Shane did not understand how they could be that way, especially considering they were alone. He watched his friends, though sometimes he barely even considered them that way, and wished he could be more like them, but knew he was not allowed to be.
The school was no different. Shane would look at the students and wonder how they could be so okay. He sat in his class and paid attention, ignoring his friends’ tactics to distract him and putting all of his focus on the assignments at hand. This was his daily life: never having fun, always having some problem, always studying, and always helping his siblings with whatever money he had. They needed to survive, and that was the best they could do.
At least when Shane was at school and studying and focusing on the tasks at hand, he was not distracted. Allowing himself just a moment of “freedom” before being forced to face the reality of their situation. He watches his siblings and yearns for the ability to just breathe, without worrying about their situation. So, Shane turns his attention back to the assignment, the math problems on the page, and the life he knows and is used to. He finishes the assignment, double, triple, and even quadruple-checking every answer and ensuring they are correct. They usuallly are.
The next morning, Shane puts on his uniform and goes to school. Always arriving early to prepare for the day. The day continues like normal, his friends mess around, and he pays attention to the teacher. Every day is the same, and Shane is used to his routine. Shane, despite being incredibly smart, is not the most observant. He has a one-track mind, always focusing on his work, so he does not notice things about his friends or the other students. He knows that Kim is always seemingly in love with someone. But he does not notice much else about his friend. He knows that Tar and Per are super close, sometimes suspiciously so, but other than that, he does not notice much. Shane also does not notice another student from another class observing him.
This routine and these habits continue to happen, even during the break. Then the beginning of Senior Year happens. Shane sees the other students causing a ruckus and playing around, wearing regular clothes since the dress code was gotten rid of by their principal. Shane met his math teacher, Mr. Tan, who rambled on and on about the dress code policy. He can only hope not to grow up as fussy as Mr. Tan. Shane listened before, asking why he needed him. He was told of a tutoring gig that only runs until midterms. Just get the kid to pass the exams, simple enough in theory. The pay is a great motivator, especially considering Shane’s goal to study abroad.
The file contains information on a student named Kit; Kit is in a class that tends to play around, Shane noticed. Shane had a feeling that the task at hand might be difficult. He asked where Kit was, with no proper response, asking again until a student wearing a pink shirt with writing on it came into the class. This student was Kit. Shane held no feelings then and informed Kit that he was his assigned tutor. He gave Kit his Instagram after informing him that he would see Kit after school. Shane proceeded to go to his class, not noticing Kit looking down at his phone and smiling.
When they meet for their first tutoring session, Shane realizes even more how potentially difficult this task will be. He witnesses Kit playing around instead of taking things seriously, almost like he does not care about anything. Shane thinks Kit has it easy; he is rich and has everything he could want. This makes Shane hate things about himself. After a while, Shane gets fed up with Kit, not wanting to waste his time with someone who does not care.
When Shane got home that night, he noticed a cat that had not been there before. He initially wanted to find a new home for it, but he grew attached to the cat. Later in his room, he tried to end the tutoring gig, but Mr. Tan reminded him that 30,000 Baht is not easy to get rid of. Just do it for the paycheck, and he will be free of Kit after midterms. The next day, he arrived at Kit’s place early with a plan set in motion. He had handcuffs that his brother owned with him. he smiled at Kit when questioned and then handcuffed them together. He gets Kit to do the problems at hand until Kit asks for a break and is told he is too serious. Shane proceeded to insult Kit, feeling bad when he saw Kit look sad, he undid the handcuffs.
Shane watched as Kit went outside before eventually joining him to give him some encouragement. He was still feeling incredibly guilty for his words, which led him to be locked on the balcony for ten minutes. While he felt bad for his previous words, he was annoyed at the other boy, but something was changing in his heart. He did not understand. Once freed and back home, he sat and contemplated the events. After seeing things Kit posted, he decided to see what he was up to.
As he watched Kit, he realized he excelled at things other than math. Kit tried to get Shane to join him, but Shane refused. Shane smiled, watching Kit have fun, but he remembered that he did not know how to. Shane was always serious and so focused on his studies that he did not understand how to live life. He attempted the different arcade games to no avail, and it frustrated him. Why can he get math problems and things related to school, but not these games?
Shane does not notice when Kit approaches him as he continuously fails at the claw machine; he only notices when Kit takes over and wins the keychain thing. Another reminder to Shane that he could not do this. Kit repeated back words that Shane said to him while they were in a café, and Shane smiled. He still did not understand how he felt, but it was no longer what he felt. Yet again, Kit did not notice when he dropped the keychain into his bag while waiting in line. That keychain sits on Shane’s shelf and is still displayed in a new house.
For the first time since the beginning of the year, Shane decides against wearing the previous uniform. He shows his growth as an individual who does not want to be as serious as before and wants to live differently. He still did a session with Kit, and after finishing the practice problems, Kit noticed Shane’s lockscreen, asking if it was his cat. Shane denied this, but when Kit asked if he could have the cat, Shane got defensive because it was his cat, and he constantly rejected those who wanted it. Shane marked the wrong answers, getting annoyed when Kit was happy about the number he got right, since it was not passing. Kit improved, which was good, with Shane reviewing the problems.
Shane wanted something different, but each club they went to was too much for Shane. Eventually leading to an argument, and words being said that he did not mean. Kit is rich, but Shane’s hatred towards his situation leads him to say the words. Shane never knew how to live, and seeing Kit being so carefree makes him envious in so many ways. He wishes that he had a good life and that nothing was wrong. Shane wishes he could put his feelings properly and express how challenging his situation is without putting them into words.
Shane always felt guilty after his words to Kit; maybe he should not be as mean or serious, just figuring out how to balance is hard. Shane has always lived for one goal and does not know what he would do if he does not accomplish this goal. Eventually, Shane settled for the math club as he had in all the previous years. The club was safe, and he knew what was held, and Shane needed to play it safe. Shane knew he still had tutoring sessions with Kit and still felt guilty over his actions.
For the tutoring session, Shane saw that Kit was still upset with him and wanted to do anything to make him no longer upset. However, that meant being forced to dance, and Shane outright refused, causing Kit to retreat to his room. Shane begrudgingly danced, filming it before showing Kit. Allowing them to start their session led to another apology from Shane, the guilt still eating away at him. He tells Kit the truth, that he is always angry with himself for being so serious. He hates always being serious; he wants out of the loop but does not know how to escape properly.
This leads to Kit and Shane playing laser tag. This allows Shane to find a way to have fun and enjoy himself. These feelings are becoming more complicated, and Shane does not understand what to do with himself or what these feelings are towards Kit. Leading to a heartfelt conversation, ending with a kiss, with only a moment of separation before another one. These feelings are too complicated for Shane, so he pushes Kit away and runs away. He wants to pretend this never happened and continue his life, but everything is confusing.
This leads to Shane reorganizing his room, overthinking everything, and questioning why he feels this way. He ignores the text Kit sends and continues his frenzy despite having a school trip the next morning. Shane cannot leave himself alone with these thoughts because if left alone, who knows what he will do or act like? He has to continue this task at hand as a distraction. He is getting distracted and has to remember his goal.
The next day, while on the bus, Shane’s friend Tar mentions someone being in love, and without knowing how incriminating it was, Shane becomes defensive. Tar is discussing their friend Kim, preparing to confess to their crush. The idea is stupid, and Shane wants to voice that to Kim, but Tar cuts it off. The bus is full, but Kit boarded, with something in his hands, having missed his bus, causing a somewhat awkward atmosphere.
Shane, in his thoughts, told Kim that his way of confessing was not the best and that love was not important, much like an influenza. This led to more guilty feelings and the feeling that Shane was missing something. He does not understand anything, especially when it comes to love, and he is taking it out on other people. This is causing rifts between him and others, especially Kit, when he does not understand why.
The entire day was essentially them avoiding each other until Shane found Kit sitting down doing some math problems, getting increasingly frustrated. Shane offered to help, but was denied. Shane pushed anyway. Giving words of encouragement before Kit left again. Shane did not know what to do or what was causing Kit to act this way. Eventually, in an area meant to replicate the Arctic, Shane asks why Kit is avoiding him, to which Kit replies that he is so smart and does not know why he is avoiding Shane. Eventually, outside of the area, after Kit leaves, where he says Shane is acting like nothing happened, leaving Shane confused. Eventually, Shane deals with emptiness as Kit leaves after informing him he no longer wants him as his tutor.
After returning home, Shane was left with his thoughts, feeling guilty for everything that occurred today. He does not understand his feelings towards Kit and questions everything he has ever worked towards. He sits in the living room, treats his cat, and rethinks everything today. Despite being with his siblings in the room, he sits in thought before receiving a text from Mr. Tan about Kit’s father telling him that Shane is no longer Kit’s tutor. This caused Shane to go through the events these past few days again, deciding he needed to see Kit, rushing out his door, and unknowingly letting the cat out. He heads towards Kit’s home, wanting and needing to still be his tutor. Kit was not at home, but Shane received a call from Kit that he was outside his condo. Leading Shane to run back to his place, where he meets Kit on a bridge.
Kit wants Shane back as his tutor, and they have a conversation, where Shane admits he does not know his feelings; while he figures it out, all he knows is that he still wants to tutor Kit. Shane feels at ease again, and Kit will wait for him to figure everything out. Despite not knowing, Shane knows he wants to be with Kit in any way he can and wants to figure himself out fully. He does not have a name for this feeling yet, but he knows he wants to be near Kit.
Time passes, and every single day, Shane is with Kit, tutoring him and learning to have more fun; every day, the feeling he feels becomes clearer. Shane always struggled with love and thought it was not necessary in life. He struggled for years as he never knew true love in his life, while there was love in his family, he still struggled with the thought of love. He saw love daily but deemed it as an inconvenience, he previously would have just put focus on his schoolwork with his goal in mind.
They were approaching midterms, and Shane got anxious about them, not because he thought he would fail, but because he did not want Kit to fail. He saw that Kit was constantly improving and felt immense pride and joy at seeing him being able to solve the problems, but the anxiety was still existing that Shane did not do enough. He needed Kit to pass, not for the money, but for Kit to know that he can handle these problems. Without knowing it, Shane kept falling deeper and deeper for Kit, and eventually it would lead to this moment.
Midterms. Midterms are over, and students anxiously await their grades. No one was prepared for this moment, when the grades are finalized and put out there for the world. Shane passed his exams with near-perfect marks, and he felt a sense of relief flow over him before turning back into anxiety thinking about Kit. They would not see each other until later, so Shane will have to continue the day anxiously waiting to know if Kit passed or not. Despite being able to message each other, they decided to wait until they could see each other in person, choosing to talk about other things.
Finally, it was time to see if Kit passed, and the anxiety was eating away at Shane, but no longer for the midterm grade. He did not know why he was so anxious, but he felt like something was about to change in his life, and he was not fully prepared. He saw Kit before Kit saw him, taking a minute to admire him. Shane knew he was in love, but never took the time to admire Kit; he smiled when Kit noticed him, that beautiful smile. At that moment, Shane knew Kit had passed and, without properly thinking, kissed Kit when Kit got closer. But unlike the laser tag, Shane did not push Kit away; Kit just pulled Shane closer. At that moment, no one else mattered, and it was just them. They pulled away and smiled at each other.
Shane saw his future with Kit at that moment. They spoke and spoke and spoke about their feelings for each other. While they already knew the feelings each other had, they still felt the need to talk to each other before officially becoming boyfriends. They no longer need to have tutoring sessions; they can be together. Shane still holds the goal of studying abroad in his mind, but he also holds Kit a lot.
Being boyfriends was not much different. They spent a lot of their time together and just enjoyed being together. Shane never would have thought that his life would have changed as much as it has, and he genuinely could not think of anything better. He held onto the study abroad goal, but as long as he was with Kit, he was happy wherever he ended up. He knew that his love for Kit was meant to teach him many lessons, and he knew that if he could repeatedly redo these past events, he would without hesitation. They often spent time going to arcades or just existing together; nothing could change that. Shane still wanted to study abroad, but did not know if he would be able to leave Kit while doing so.
However, a moment came when Shane lost that goal of studying abroad and spent time crying as he took down his board with the goal. He also thought that he was not enough for Kit to give away his future to be with him, leading Shane to end their relationship. Shane had always had one goal in mind for most of his life, but lost both that goal and the boy he loved. He could not allow Kit to give up his future and stay with him, and he spent time alone for the first time in months. Shane sits in his room, staring at the empty board above his desk, and cries. He previously thought love to be dumb and unnecessary, but he sees after losing that love and knows just how necessary love is.
Shane was this way for only a few days before Kit went through the effort to prove that Shane is worthy of him. They spent so much time together, wanting to stop time as time was running out before Kit would leave. Shane held a lot of love in his heart and could be less serious and spend time with his friends without resenting how they were. He was especially able to feel the love from everyone in his life, no longer resenting others for being carefree and able to live their lives.
Years later, after everyone graduated from university, Shane stands in the living room of an apartment. The apartment was neither small nor large, but it was comfortable; it held two rooms, one of which was used by his friends whenever they wanted to come over. He took everything in and realized that this was ultimately his goal. He did not have to study abroad and knew what love meant. He could live freely and continue his studies with the ones he loves around him. The apartment was full of memories, a certain keychain was on display near the door, a moment for a relationship, without it being a relationship. Many pictures were taken at various times, but his favorite stood in the middle.
The picture was of him and Kit, taken by one of his friends; overall, it showed their love for each other. Shane smiles and thinks back to his life before and how he suffered with everything back then, only focusing on his previous goal in life. Always serious and did not know how to have fun, and if it were not for Kit, he may still be that way. The door opens, and Shane smiles, seeing Kit enter their apartment. Life was different, but it was happy. Kit held mail, passing an envelope to Shane—a wedding invite. Shane smiled. It was always going to be Kim and Mon who would get married first; everyone was surprised that they were not already married.
Shane knew one thing: he was ready to marry Kit, and seeing Kim and Mon’s wedding invite solidified that fact. He looked down at his hand with the ring on his finger, knowing they would eventually send wedding invites to their friends and family. Everything felt good, and for once in Shane’s life, he did not feel the burden of his family. His parents may have left them alone, but he survived, and without that, he may not have been as happy as he is today.
He finally gave in and hugged Kit, who held him tightly as if being away for only a moment was forever. Shane felt safe and happy, before slightly pulling back from the hug to kiss Kit. Nothing else mattered in that moment but the two of them together.
“So…that was your side of everything, Shane. What about yours, Kit?”