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“I’m sorry I can’t be what you need. I hope one day you will forgive me.”
Pond’s last words never left Phuwin’s mind. His friend – no, his best friend, the closest person in his life, his partner, his smile on his saddest days, his light in the dark, his... everything. Gone. In the blink of an eye.
Phuwin remembers that day. He remembers it better than anything that has happened in his life.
They had been together all day, Phuwin had been the driver for them, picking Pond up early in the morning and driving them to the venue on the other side of the city. Pond looked as happy as ever when they were together, he cracked a joke or two, hugged Phuwin tightly and whispered some nonsense in his ear. They both laughed, and the people at the event loved it, probably thinking it was fanservice, when it was just them together, behaving in the same way, even when no one was looking.
After the event, they went to the nearest mall to get something to eat. The underground parking lot was completely packed, by some miracle Phuwin found a place to park his car, so they decided that after the meal they would go for a walk, leaving the car there.
Pond paid for the meal, as he always did, unless Phuwin made it clear that he would be the one paying. Pond loved to spoil Phuwin and did so whenever he could.
Back at the restaurant, Phuwin had already noticed that Pond was not himself, that his usual goofiness was slowly leaving his partner’s body, and that something dark was emerging in his eyes. Phuwin was worried but said nothing.
He never did. He always had millions of thoughts in his head, but he never said a word.
Phuwin grasped Pond’s hand, squeezing it lightly, and smiled gently, to which Pond just shook his head and whispered that he was fine.
He wasn’t.
The walk was long, longer than their usual walks, but Phuwin didn’t leave Pond’s side, staying close to him in case he needed him. He didn’t know that it was all planned, that Pond knew what he was doing and where he wanted to go.
“Phuwin,” Pond said as they stopped in the middle of the path on the bridge, “I love you.”
Simple words that Phuwin had heard many times and never got tired of Pond’s little love confessions. This time, however, he could hear the pain in Pond’s voice, he was on the verge of tears, so Phuwin, surprising them both, hugged him and whispered, “I know.” There was nothing more he could say then, even if there were words he should have said.
Pond freed himself from Phuwin’s embrace and touched his face, then stepped over the railing. Phuwin looked at him with horror in his eyes. “Pond?” he asked and stepped closer, but Pond shook his head and motioned him to move away. “Pond, please come to me,” Phuwin said in a trembling voice.
“I can’t,” Pond whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. Just come here, come to me, please,” Phuwin tried again, extending his hand towards Pond.
Pond smiled, tears streaming down his cheeks, and said, “I’m sorry I can’t be what you need. I hope one day you will forgive me,” before letting go of the railing and jumping into the river.
Phuwin was screaming, people were jumping out of passing cars, chaos was building up around him. Someone called the emergency number, someone else recorded Phuwin losing his mind.
All the media knew within minutes that Pond Naravit Lertratkosum, Phuwin’s partner, was dead.
Phuwin called Pond’s mother to tell her the news, his voice was weak and apologetic, begging for forgiveness. She was crying before Phuwin finished his sentence. “It wasn’t your fault,” she said, and Phuwin knew she meant it, but he would’ve preferred her to shout out to him how much she hated what had happened.
He did not leave Pond’s mother and brother’s side throughout the preparations and funeral. They and the people around them treated Phuwin like part of the family anyway, but even more so after Phuwin told Pond’s mother about his feelings. She never judged him for what had happened, never said a single bad word to him, but he knew that he was the only reason her son was dead.
In the last photo he was in, he was being held by both his mother and Pond’s mother, surrounded by family and friends, people close to them and co-workers. He wasn’t smiling, though he tried. He had lost everything and could not pretend otherwise.
Every day he came to the cemetery. He spent hours looking at Pond’s little picture, talking to him and cleaning up all the leaves that had fallen nearby. Phuwin could not find the energy or desire to be an artist and actor, he could only sit in front of Pond’s plaque in the columbarium and beg for forgiveness.
His smile was gone, his light was gone, his person was gone. He was all alone.
“I love you so much,” he says again, probably for the tenth time or so in the last few hours. “I can’t live like this any longer,” he whispers and touches Pond’s picture, smoothing it with his fingers. “I’ve forgiven you for everything, even though you never did anything wrong to me. Now I’m the one begging you to forgive me,” he says in a breaking voice.
The next sound, the sound of a gunshot, echoes throughout the cemetery. Phuwin falls to the ground, and a small smile appears at the corner of his mouth.
Peace and quiet. His love for Pond and the memories of their moments of happiness together are the last things on his mind.
He remembers them walking around the park, holding hands and giggling about being the only people there.
He remembers all the drinks Pond has bought him or made for him over the years.
He remembers the quiet moments in the car when it was just Pond and Phuwin and no one else.
He remembers the hugs and sweet words Pond showered him with.
He remembers their one and only kiss in Phuwin’s condo and how happy they were, it wasn’t a bad feeling but something that could have meant more if Phuwin had been brave enough to say what he wanted to say.
He remembers cuddles in bed and how many times Phuwin woke up with Pond’s head snuggled into the crook of his neck or how many times Phuwin treated Pond’s chest as his personal pillow.
He remembers the happiness and the unnamed relationship they had.
Death came quickly. Death gave him peace.
And later their fans and people who knew them said it was heartbreak that killed the two of them.