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Snow trickled down from the ceiling. It would stop soon. Horror found it distracting; distracting enough to target the machine producing it first thing every mission underground. Killer never helped, but he did better when it was off as well.
As of currently the monster in question was flailing around like he always did. Cross watched him from afar, because while flailing around and looking like he doesn’t know what he’s doing is normal for Killer, it’s always just a facade. A ruse to distract his victims and make them undermine him. But all his movements were too.. Perfect. It looks like what a soldier like Cross was supposed to aim for but it was so painfully unusual for Killer it had to be unintentional. Cross glanced over at Murder. He was fighting like usual, smooth movements to dodge attacks while keeping his distance and firing off so much magic the snow was starting to melt from the heat of it.
Cross frowned. He smoothed his hand over his jacket, finding relief in the comfortingly familiar action. Maybe Killer was just trying something new. Who was Cross to judge if the other wanted to change his style of fighting without a word of warning or giving time for them to adjust? It’s none of his business.
“Do something already,” Chara drawled at his side, “Why are you just watching?”
Cross glared at him. He whispered into his scarf, “Nightmare gave us a goal. I’m not joining a fight for no reason. I need to focus.”
“You sound like Ink,” Chara spat. He crossed his arms, “Joining this team was a mistake. It’s been months and we’re nowhere near closer to getting our universe back. He’s lying to us.”
“You’re being paranoid. This isn’t like XGaster. Or.. Ink. We just need to do our end of the deal. It’s our own fault it's taking so long.”
Chara scoffed disbelievingly.
Another burst of magic had Cross staggering back. He internally scolded himself for getting distracted. He scanned their surroundings again and..
A flicker of orange came from behind one of the town’s broken doors. It was bright enough for its glow to be shown in the melting snow. It looked like the snow was glowing.
Cross removed his hack knife from behind his back. “Over there.” He gestured to the ruined building right as a bit of Murder’s next attack made a dent in its side.
There was more mush than actual falling snow in the air with how many explosions were going off. Chara nodded and Cross moved.
Creeping closer to the shed made him realise it was emitting some kind of static. The sound grated against his ears unpleasantly and he resisted the urge to shield them. With each step he sunk further into the snow, his shoes doing nothing to keep out the moisture. He took in a shaky breath from his teeth and readied himself for whatever was behind the door.
He staggered back when a beam of light immediately was sent towards him. Whatever it was it made his head swim like it had taken him out of his own body. A grunt escaped from behind his teeth and despite his training his body curled in on itself. The static was overpowering, buzzing beside his brain until it was like it was vibrating from the inside. Bile rose in the back of his throat and he was powerless to stop it from coming out.
An image of his knees dropping onto the dirt played in front of him but he felt nothing. He blinked and there was a creature in front of him.
It wiggled around, form unstable and Cross almost mistook it for Nightmare.
An appendage protruded from the creature, twisting in the air until it reached the tip of Cross’ chin. Despite the numbness in the rest of his body, every second he was in contact with the thing sent a sensation of the likes he had never before experienced through his body. He felt his spine straighten and his head be slanted up. The creature didn’t have eyes. It didn’t even have a face.
It’s touch was cold and it lingered on his chin even as it sunk towards his teeth. His eye sockets felt heavy and he couldn’t move even if he wanted to.
“Don’t cry.” an airy voice whispered. His body slumped forward, further into the creature. “Don’t panic. What will happen is nothing more than you deserve.”
It slithered in between his teeth and dipped into the back of his mouth. It pulled at his magic until an extreme warmth extruded from him and his magic became skin. It was purple and bright but Cross didn’t mind because now everything seemed okay.
It caressed the back of his throat. He gagged, an instinctual reaction and it didn’t pull away. It whispered something again, in it’s lovely distinctly unnatural tone and Cross felt too good to pay attention. It stayed in the back of his throat and dripped down. Cross felt it go, felt it sink further into him. It didn’t stop, not until it started leaking out from the gaps in his teeth.
And then it was gone. It didn’t whisper again. It pulled away from him and he fell forward, breaking him out of his own mind.
The dirt dug into his skull. He groaned into it, unintentionally rubbing his face in all the muck. He felt heavier, like a thousand weights were attached to his limbs. He pushed himself off the ground and felt his face flush when he caught sight of the purple glow beneath his clothes. He quickly unsummoned the flesh, trying to brush off his embarrassment by hiding his face in the fluff of his hood.
Dots littered his vision and he blinked. He glanced around the room and frowned at its emptiness. What had just happened? Where was he?
It didn’t take him much longer to realise Chara wasn’t by his side. Maybe that was for the best. He would be mortified if he had his.. body summoned in front of him.
He jumped to his feet and brushed off the dirt that stuck to his clothes. He frowned at the stained white fabric, a pang in his heart that screamed at how wrong it was now. How destroyed. He swallowed the feeling. He would wash it as soon as he could.
His steps crunched against the snow of the universe. There was only a small margin of it left, leaving behind dead grass and pools of water that clung to the pads of his shoes. How inconvenient.
Something slapped his shoulder, causing him to gasp and turn around sharply to defend himself. He couldn’t help the way he instantly relaxed upon seeing Killer’s face. He was grinning, as always but he looked like he was struggling to stand up right.
“Where were you? You don’t get sent on missions to slack off you know?” The grin on Killer’s face was surrounded by black tears, streaming down in thick globs. His soul was shifting and there was something in his demeaner that screamed dangerous. Cross recognised it and closed himself off, prepared to duck his head and roll over to avoid Killer’s wrath.
“I was-” he caught himself off and raised a hand to cover his teeth. That was not his voice.
Killer faltered too. He didn't laugh like he usually would, seemingly not in the mood to pretend. "Why do you sound like that?"
Cross stood on edge at the clear threat in his infliction. He forced himself to breathe. "Sorry. I don't know."
He flinched at hearing a voice that wasn't his own coming from him.
Killer examined him closely and Cross shifted under the feeling of the other's eyes. Killer looked back at his face and before he could realise what happened Killer had kicked his stomach. Cross groaned in pain but it sounded weird and Killer grabbed his collar, dragging him closer. He spat, "Who are you?"
Cross pushed him away with a grunt, "I'm Cross. There was something in that shed that.." his words failed when he glanced over to where the building should have been. His face tightened and his gut swirled.
Killer didn't look very impressed.
"I swear!" he insisted.
“Prove it,” Killer replied, crossing his arms. Cross scowled. At least he wasn’t trying to kill him.
“How am I supposed to prove that?” Cross deadpanned.
Killer hummed thoughtfully. He suddenly brightened up, “Nightmare can tell.”
Cross tensed up at the mention of him. Killer seemed confident in his decision; he grabbed Cross’s arm forcefully and pulled him to where Murder and Horror were dawdling in Snowdin. It seemed every creature from the universe was hiding. Or they had killed them, which they were explicitly told not to do but Cross would keep that to himself because they hated when he acted like a rule follower.
Horror looked like he would rather be anywhere else. Cross wasn’t surprised. Murder, on the other hand, was looking at Cross like he was a yet to be discovered insect.
“Who are you,” he said flatly. Cross felt his face heat up for some reason and turned his gaze to the ground.
“She claims to be Cross,” Killer drawled, slinking to stand behind Murder.
“She?” Cross questioned, sure to make it sound as unimpressed as possible.
Killer turned back to look at Cross again. He laughed. On the bright side of things, his tears had turned thinner and his soul wasn’t spinning anymore. Not that Cross was paying that much attention or anything. “You sound like a girl.” He said.
Cross huffed. His bones prickled but what truly irked him was the fact that Killer wasn’t wrong.
“You look like a girl,” Horror added. His input was bizarre because one, he usually wasn’t grounded enough to add to conversation and two, when he was grounded enough to speak it was going to be an insult.
Murder shuffled, looking off to the side uninterested, “I’m surprised you know what girls sound like.”
Cross felt his eye socket twitch. He should say something. “I’m not a girl.”
None of them looked convinced.
“You don’t sound very sure of yourself,” Killer stated. He looked like he had just caught someone out on a lie and was way too proud of himself.
Cross scoffed and reached for the whistle that hung around Horror’s neck. No one was supposed to use it but Horror, Nightmare stated he didn’t trust anyone else with it. Probably because he knew Horror would forget about it.
He blew into it with so much force his ear buds would flutter at the dronning sound if he had any. Nightmare didn’t waste a moment in making his arrival. He sprouted out from the ground and looked at his subordinates like they were something unpleasant on the back of his shoe.
“I trust you’ve completed your mission.”
Killer nodded but brushed him off quickly. He pointed at Cross, “Who is that?”
Nightmare scowled and his tentacles twitched. “Do not speak out of turn.”
Killer wasn’t deterred, simply rocking back and forth on his heel as he waited for an answer. Cross would never understand how much gall Killer had. His blatant disrespect made him feel like he was about to watch a house explode.
Nightmare looked back at Cross and he instantly raised his head but kept his eyes away from the others. “Cross.”
Killer’s grin slanted.
Cross couldn’t keep the stutter out of words and spoke quieter than usual. “Yes, boss?”
Nightmare turned to face him fully. He looked confused. Cross had never seen that look on his face before. It flickered to something unimpressed within seconds. “Do not speak that way.”
Cross felt his face flush in embarrassment. He nodded quickly and fiddled with the sleeves of his uniform.
“So that is actually Cross?” Killer asked. Cross was surprised Nightmare didn’t rip his head off instantly.
Nightmare didn’t respond to Killer but his silence was enough. He didn’t waste his time on stupid questions. Without waiting for another chance for them to speak, Nightmare returned them to his castle.
Cross’s head swam at the change in temperature but he kept his composure, of course.
“Did you complete your mission?”
Cross felt nauseous when he realised Nightmare was asking him.
“Ah- yes, I think-”
Nightmare raised a hand to silence him.
“Are you aware that you are testing my patience?”
Cross winced. He forced his body still and kept his vomit inside his body. His voice wasn’t louder than a whisper, “Yes, boss.”
A tentacle darted forward and Cross held his breath as it struck the side of his head. “Then why do you continue to speak in such a way?”
The room was silent. Killer looked far too invested in what was happening in front of him. Cross didn’t speak, finding he would only enrage Nightmare further if he did.
Nightmare composed himself. “I will not let this slide again.” With that he sunk out of the room.
Cross didn’t let himself untense. The other’s eyes on him made him wish he didn’t exist and he desperately hoped Chara would take control of their body so he wouldn’t have to feel so mortified.
“What’s wrong with you?” Killer broke the silence. “Why are you a girl now?”
Cross sunk further into his coat. “Um.. I think… there was something in one of the buildings that.. sort of.. made me into this.”
Killer hummed. He meandered towards him, getting far too close for comfort. “Do you have a spore?”
Cross spluttered and pushed him back, “What?! No! At least I don’t think so.”
“Is it permanent?” Murder spoke.
“I don’t know.”
“Huh.” Killer examined him one last time before walking away. Murder left soon after and Horror didn’t seem to be in his body anymore.
Cross fled to the empty room he had claimed as his own and tried to make himself comfortable on the freezing floor. He would probably be normal when he woke up.
He opened his eyes to Chara in his face. He immediately kicked him away, “What the fucks your problem?!”
Chara’s face twisted into something disgusted, “You’re different.”
“Yeah, I dyed my hair.” He pushed himself off the ground, ignoring the permanent aches in his body.
“Har har,” Chara rolled his eyes but oddly enough let the subject drop.
He didn't see the others again until their next mission.
Murder walked beside him as they scouted the universe for any sign of life. Nightmare hadn't told them much, just to blow the whistle if they came across anyone. The lack of information made Cross an anxious mess. Killer and Horror hung further back. Cross considered himself lucky he didn't have to loiter around Horror.
"You're still a girl," Murder observed but didn't look in his direction.
Cross wringed his sleeves idly. "So it seems."
Murder didn't say anything else for a few minutes, scanning their surroundings with the same dedication he put into every mission. Cross liked Murder the most. Yes, he may be unpredictable but he was less likely to maim him than the other two and felt more emotion than either of them could.
“You don’t seem very bothered by that.”
Cross felt his heart speed up. He felt nervous but he didn’t know why. “Well.. it doesn’t change that much. My bones are just smaller and tilted in slightly different directions. And.. my voice isn’t that big of a deal.”
“If I was turned into a girl I think I would be uncomfortable.”
Cross startled at the words. He didn’t expect Murder to speak to him, let alone so much. He was really pushing the topic too. Cross wasn't sure how to respond. “Oh.”
“Nightmare hates it.” Okay now it seemed like Murder knew something he didn’t. Was he trying to get him to say something?
“Mmh,” he nodded, attempting to keep his focus on the woods around them.
“We should probably find a way to get you back to normal.”
Cross stopped. Murder turned to him when he did. His face was blank but so painfully judgemental and Cross forced himself to continue walking so he could avoid seeing the way he was looking at him. He bit out, “You think?”
Murder was still looking at him weirdly. “If you want. He’s probably gonna lose his shit if you don’t.”
He couldn’t find it in himself to think of a response.
When they returned and reported back to him, Nightmare dismissed them quickly. Cross was prepared to leave but-
“Cross. A word.”
Distantly, he was aware of Killer “oooo”ing but he was far too scared to be annoyed by it.
He lingered in front of Nightmare, ready to grovel like he had never grovelled before.
Instead of the instant physical violence he was expecting, Nightmare glared at him. “I’m giving you a chance to explain yourself.”
Cross startled and glanced up at his superior. “Oh um. I didn’t.. Well I was looking for the target on our last mission and-”
“And you removed it?”
“Mm, yes? It removed itself but it did something to me. To make me like this.”
Nightmare didn’t seem happy. In fact, he looked like he wanted Cross to leave. “Hm. And you’ve been this way ever since?”
Cross glanced down at himself and then back up to Nightmare, feeling the answer was quite obvious. “Yes, boss.”
“Ugh. I’ll make Murder look into this. He’s the smart one, isn’t he?” Nightmare complained, “What a pain. I suppose.. Just don’t speak until this is resolved. Or.. hm. A burqa would be a pain to retrieve. Don’t move around too much then. I don’t wish to look at you in such a form.”
Cross shrunk. He had never felt more uncomfortable in his life. He forced himself to nod, “Yes boss.”
“Stop it with that too. I’ll excuse your unprofessional behaviour if it means I don’t have to listen to that,” Nightmare added.
Cross nodded.
Nightmare raised a brow at him. “You leave now.”
He rushed out of the room before the magic he could feel burning at the side of his eye sockets turned into tears. He wiped at them for good measure, admittedly confused as to why he was tearing up; that had gone so much better than he had thought it would.
Perhaps they were tears of relief. Whatever they were, they wouldn't stop, even as Cross shuffled to his room and tried his best to melt into the wall. When he woke up his face felt wet and there was a dry feeling at the edges of his eye sockets.
For a while it had seemed like Cross's change was inconsequential. He still went on missions and he didn't get lectured by Nightmare anymore.
Sure, Killer teased him by calling him a girl and saying stuff like “pretty” and “she” and stuff to make him annoyed. But Cross didn't care. He was used to teasing. In fact, he didn't care at all. It felt like he'd been a girl all his life with the way he got used to it so quickly.
And eventually the teasing spread to Murder. Cross almost didn't notice it at first but it was undeniable. Murder was calling him a girl now too. Cross huffed at first when it happened but didn't play into their hand. They thought they were so funny, but little did they know Cross wasn't annoyed at all. If anything he enjoyed it.
But as time passed Cross started to feel antsy. More than half a year and his universe didn't seem any closer. Chara was constantly yelling and he was beginning to get concerned about the validity of Nightmare’s words.
“Killer,” he found Killer while wandering around the castle's twisting halls. He was hesitant to go to someone else about this but he couldn't wait any longer. He had to get a second opinion. “Could I talk to you about something?”
Killer looked at him suspiciously. “Why me?”
“Uh..” Cross looked away, “You were the first person I found.”
Killer deflated at his response, losing some of his faux enthusiasm. “And here I was thinking we had something special. What do you want?”
Cross fidgeted with his hands.”When Nightmare recruited you did he promise you something?"
Killer stared at him. His face heated up as soon as he realised how invasive of a question that could be. “Ah! Sorry. You don't need to answer that.”
“No. He didn't.” Killer didn't expand on his statement. “If he promised you something I would hate to break it to you but he was lying.”
And that was it. Killer had stomped on his hope without even noticing. “You really think so?”
“Oh I know so,” Killer said with such certainty Cross wanted to shrivel up and die.
He didn't need to look at Chara to see the breakdown that he was about to have.
“I'm going to fucking kill you.” Cross tried his best to pretend Chara was joking when he said that.
“He promised Horror he would bring food to his universe and get rid of their Undyne. ‘course, that didn't happen. Poor guy's probably too far gone to remember it even happened,” Killer scratched his teeth, lost in thought.
“Eight fucking months.” Chara seethed. “You've wasted eight fucking months.”
Killer shrugged off his musings and looked back at Cross. Something changed in the way he carried himself and if Cross looked very closely he could see a very faint eye light.
“Listen.. You're a strong girl but don't forget to use your brain. You can't beat him. Don't try.” Killer's advice cut into his soul. He wished he could sink into the floor
“I'm.. not..” he trailed off. He was tired… She was tired.
For a while it felt like she was floating. She drifted through her days. She made herself small and she avoided the truth Chara spat at her every night.
Her bones wouldn't stop shaking. Murder had brought it up to her. Cross was too tired to respond. She was too tired to do anything but follow her orders.
And then one day it was over. Murder approached her, creaking open the door to the room Cross had claimed and staring at her from the door.
“I found a cure.”
Cross met his eye. “What?"
“I found a way to make you a guy again. Nightmare wants us to go as soon as possible.” Murder spoke like it was nothing. Like he was talking about the weather.
“What?”
Murder hunched in on himself.
Chara scoffed.
Cross hesitantly rose to follow Murder out of the room. He led her to Nightmare and within seconds they were in a different universe.
Everything was green and overgrown. There were no monsters, no sign of life at all. Murder slithered through the woods like he knew exactly where he was going. Cross followed him with the utmost obedience.
While they maneuvered around the maze of trees something became clear to her. She was dreading it. She didn't want to be a guy again.
“Do you..” she stopped herself from continuing. Nightmare would never let her. Murder acted like she hadn't said anything.
Anxiety made its home in her gut. She had never thought of it before. How she felt about her body's change but maybe that was because she liked being a girl more. Magic dripped down the side of her face, a physical sign of her nervousness that she was too tired to wipe away.
She didn't want to go back. She didn't want to go back to being a man, she didn't want to go back to Nightmare, she didn't even want to go home anymore. She had moved on. She had mourned her family. She knew they were gone and she didn't want them back. She felt awful for thinking that.
“Here we are.” Murder stood before a vast pool of water. It was bright, glistening in the sun. “It's supposedly magic. Said to get rid of curses.”
“Oh.”
She looked into the water and her reflection looked back at her. She didn't want to go in. Murder was looking into the water beside her. He was waiting.
She forced her foot forward. And again. And again. The water was shallow. It sizzled and bubbled up around her.
She stepped in a girl and when she stepped out.. she still felt like a girl.
She looked down into her reflection and bristled at what looked back at her. She was back to normal.
“It worked,” Murder observed. He didn't look at her for long.
“..So it seems,” she croaked out. Her voice was deeper. Tears welled up in the corner of her eyes. She didn't brush them away. They rolled down her face before she even noticed she was crying.
Her knees buckled underneath her and she cried. She sobbed into the dirt and her tears dripped into the water, sending ripples through her reflection.
Murder sat down at her side. They sat there for a while.
When they returned to Nightmare’s castle their boss was pleased. He said something Cross was too tired to focus on. She was too tired to do anything.
Her bones looked different now. She was taller. Her voice was deeper. She would never be a girl again.
That night when she returned to her room she sobbed until her throat was horse and her tears stopped coming. She buried her head into her knees and asked herself what was wrong with her.
She was a guy. She would always be a guy and she had gotten too used to being a girl. Too caught up in her own delusions. She had never felt more stupid in her life.
Cross didn’t want to get back to her universe.
Cross didn't want her own soul.
Cross didn't want to escape Nightmare.
Cross wanted to be a girl.
He knew that would never happen.