Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sunny leaned onto the railing by the sundial, feeling the wind blow through her hair.

It was a late night in Harbourtown, most residents having gone to sleep - the only form of night activity being some of the rangers who were keeping the nearby monster populations at bay. The town was lit up by the lamp lights put up around the walkways, and the pale glow of the moon hanging overhead. A sight that was a bit odd to some, but one that comforted Sunny.

She couldn’t sleep. Normally, it wasn’t a big deal for her - she didn’t need to do the same things as most everyone in Harbourtown seemed to. Sleeping was one of those, alongside eating. It was something that would take away from her work as a former Landkeeper; Mammon likely thought it unnecessary. But it was something she enjoyed, and preferred to do now that she had the freedom to do so.

But it was hard to not think of things, how she ended up here - especially not with the rare nightmare involving Mammon.

The nightmares still happened, from time to time, ever since they first started happening. They’d lessened more recently, at the news of its proper defeat alongside the other Archangels gathered by Aleph - it was unlikely that Mammon would return, in that exact state. And even if it did, Sunny had others to rely on to make sure nothing happened to her if things went astray. At least, that was what everyone else had told her in some way, when asked.

And for a while, it put her at ease. She still couldn’t erase that dread she felt, not with how the nightmares still came back or how she could still hear the other Landkeepers’ thoughts, how they were still clinging to what Mammon instilled in them. How stubborn they seemed to be, in moving on. But it was something, and it did help lessen the nightmares, just a bit.

…until she heard the voices.

The plans to do something to revive the company, to return the Landkeepers’ Association to its former glory…whatever that meant. There was nothing glorious about what they were doing, Sunny had come to realise ( we were just trying our best for the people, y’know… ). It was hard to not fight back and argue within their shared link - it was hard enough when she was fighting with her own internal voice (one of them, maybe?).

She knew that internal voice well - the one that always tried clinging to the Landkeepers’ Association, the one that was desperate to go back to how things were. The one that always put up something of a fight when Sunny had thoughts about getting rid of her old uniform for good. Of course, it never fully won out - Sunny was Sunny , not another number, not another Landkeeper…but combined with the dread, it was hard to ignore that part of her.

Maybe it was similar for them. That little voice kept her tied down, in a way - perhaps the other Landkeepers were dealing with the same thing, but more intense. Maybe that was why it was so difficult for them to let go, especially without any outside help like Sunny had. But it was hard to not think of as a little weird - while it was a part of her, it never sounded like her . Perhaps they shared the same voice once, but now…it was hard to see Sunny and the Landkeeper she was before as the same person. It…was weird, to have such a strange yet familiar voice always fighting her over ditching the Landkeepers’ Association. 

That wasn’t even talking about the resurfacing headache that came after seeing her body’s previous owner through the wheel - how jumbled up her thoughts felt, how scrambled her sense of self felt when thinking about it too much…not too dissimilar to when she initially figured how separate that ‘Landkeeper voice’ of hers felt from her-

“Hey, buddy-”

Sunny looked up to see Eugene walking over to her - he sounded a bit more tired than usual. Looked the part, too. Huh. Usually he’s asleep by now…

She gave him a small smile. “Hi, Eugene…I didn’t expect you to be up this late.”

“Eh, I couldn’t sleep.” He shrugged, looking off to the side. “Needed some fresh air to clear my mind, y’know?”

“Yeah…I’m doing the same thing, I think. I…couldn’t sleep very well, either.”

Eugene was now standing beside her, hands in his pockets. “Wait, I thought you didn’t need sleep?”

Nodding, she frowned. “I don’t…but I do like being able to sleep. It’s nice…”

He chuckled softly. “Yeah, for sure.”

Neither of them said much else for a bit; while it was a bit awkward, being up like this, it was still nice. Somewhat comforting, in a way. As Eugene also began to gently lean against the railing, Sunny inched a little closer to him - the wind did make it a bit cold out, and it was hard to fully resist the urge to lean against him entirely. It wasn’t exactly like her body had any warmth to it, unlike his.

Eventually, Eugene spoke up first; he looked a bit nervous doing so.

“So…any specific reason you couldn’t sleep?”

She frowned at him for a moment - should she say anything? He was aware of the nightmares she’d get from time to time, and was one of the people she’d go to if she needed to be comforted after one. Him and Kayleigh, depending on who was still up at the time. He’d be understanding, she was sure, but…it wasn’t just the nightmares any more, it was more than that. It was about her, and the events that happened to lead her to become Sunny. About how weird she felt, thinking it all over, and how that internal struggle she’d always felt at the thought of thinking it’d be better if she’d just never wandered into the cafe had gotten worse.

…but would anyone really get it, though?

He scratched the back of his neck during her silence, grimacing. “You don’t have to say if you don’t want to, though.”

“No, I…I don’t mind.” She let out a quiet sigh. “I’ve just…had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Another little pause. He probably expected her to say something more, Sunny figured; she wouldn’t mind, but she wasn’t sure what to add onto that. Or how to, really, without sounding weird.

Well, I’m kind of a weird thing already.

She blinked a little at that thought; she didn’t like thinking she was weird. In a more bad way, of course - she thought it was a little funny when people called her weird in a more affectionate way, really. She tried to avoid thinking about it in a more negative light, since it tended to just make her feel more uncomfortable in her own skin than it had any right to ( …it’s not like it’s your body ). Those thoughts didn’t occur to her naturally, she felt, so hearing it coming from herself…well, she tried to ignore it.

Glancing back at Eugene after a minute or two, she managed to look him in the eyes.

“Eugene, do…do you think I’m weird?”

He stared at her in shock for a second, before shaking his head. “What? No! If you’re any kind of weird you’re the cool and badass kind of weird-”

“Hehe, um…thanks, Eugene.” Am I really not weird to him, though? This whole thing is weird. I think I’m pretty weird-

She bit her tongue before she could fully finish that thought - she didn’t like those thoughts, she hardly thought of herself like that, why wouldn’t they stop-?! She likely bit harder than she needed to, though - Eugene was concerned as he stared at her.

“Are…are you good, buddy?”

“Y-yeah.” She had to resist the urge to feel her tongue to check if it was bleeding - her fangs were as sharp as the average Landkeeper’s, after all ( but I’m generally good about watching out for that…?) .

“Well, uh…alright.” He didn’t seem to believe her, but didn’t press; Sunny appreciated it, in all honesty. “But I really don’t think you’re weird at all, if it helps.”

She smiled a little. “It does.”

He grinned back at her, right before putting his arm around her shoulders. “Good! I don’t want you thinking otherwise if I can help it.”

“I try my best not to…it’s just been a bit harder as of late-”

“It has?”

“Yeah…” Exhaling softly, she let her shoulders drop slightly. “It’s been harder ever since…ever since what happened in the Landkeeper's hideout, I think…”

Eugene pulled back a little, frowning. “What happened?”

“Did um…did Asphodel tell you what happened there at all…?”

He shook his head. “Nah. I wanted to ask when you both got back, but…it seemed private-”

She couldn’t help but feel a little grateful for that. It wasn’t something she felt exactly… ready , to talk to the others about. Being in a body that didn’t always belong to herself. She’d made peace with it for the most part, but another part of her was still struggling to accept that. It was the same as the other part of her that would still try to cling onto her past as a Landkeeper, desperate for that same stability.

“It’s a little personal, yeah…”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don't want to.” He moved his hand down to her back, gently rubbing it. “I’m here for you either way if you need me to be.”

She leaned against him slightly, groaning a little. “I know…I just- it’s weird.”

“I won’t judge whatever it is, I promise.”

She blinked slowly at him. “You mean that…?”

He nodded. “I do.”

“Okay…” She inhaled sharply, straightening up slightly. “I…Asphodel and I found out what Landkeepers, um…are.”

He stood up a bit at that, eyes widening. “You did-?!”

“Yeah…we- they-” …getting the words right was harder than she thought it’d be. She sighed. “…this body wasn’t always mine.”

“…o-oh.”

“It…it belonged to a woman, I don’t know her name…I don’t know if I ever will. She…had her own life. Mammon took her and made her into a vessel, made her into me- ” Referring to herself and the Landkeeper she was as one and the same felt off, it made the one part of her want to peel off her skin, but she continued. “…she was miserable. She lost herself, chained herself to her work…it became her entire life, I think. That’s how Mammon got her…an easy target.”

An easy target - she tried to ignore how off she felt describing herself…that other woman? It was a bit of a blur right now. Either way, a part of her felt…uncomfortable, being described as such. It wasn’t wrong, it was the conclusion Sunny had come to since initially finding out…she wasn’t fully sure where those feelings of dissent came from.

“I…it’s been a while since I found out. I’ve mostly made peace with it, I think, but…it’s hard not to think about. I…I sometimes feel weird now, when I think about what led me to become Sunny…is that weird…?”

Eugene didn’t respond for a long moment; he stared at her for a bit, before glancing out at the sea. He was thinking over his answer, she guessed. Not that she minded - she often took her time in answering things when she needed to, anyways. That was to say, it still made her somewhat anxious as she wondered what exactly he was thinking. While he wasn’t always the most expressive, he wore his emotions on his sleeve more often than most. It was hard to shake off the creeping feeling of unease as he remained still, lost in thought.

…probably is thinking that the whole Landkeeper thing is weird-

It wasn’t that weird, was it…? It was something that made a part of her feel off when she thought too hard about it, sure, but it couldn’t be weirder than everything else on New Wirral, could it?

…it’s still pretty weird.

She tried to avoid frowning a bit more at that thought; she didn’t like thinking of herself as a weird thing.

Before she could dwell on it any longer, Eugene eventually spoke up; there was an awkward grin on his face, but the somewhat haunted shine in his eyes betrayed it.

“I…that’s a lot to drop on me at once, buddy.” He put a hand to her shoulder, still smiling. “But it’s not weird to think about. It’s why you’re you . I’d be more shocked if you didn’t think about it at all-”

She sighed. “I try not to…but it’s hard not to feel weird about it in general, sometimes.”

“I…can’t say I blame you-”

“It’s…it’s more like a part of me feels weird about it, really…” She shrugged, grimacing slightly. “Ever since I came back from the hideout, it’s been there, I think.”

“It was a lot to take in, though, wasn’t it? It makes sense that you might feel a little weird about it since it’s been a while.”

“I-I guess, but…they don’t feel like my own thoughts.” She tried to avoid cringing at her own words; of course they were her own, it wasn’t like Mammon was directing her any more.

“Maybe it’s a Landkeeper? You did mention a link-”

She shook her head. “No…I’d know if it was one of them. These thoughts, they…they sound like me, but aren’t mine . Sometimes it feels like I’m arguing with them, really…”

“Oh. …huh.”

“Is…is that weird?”

He blinked at her in surprise, jumping a little. “What? No! …at least, I um. I don’t think so.”

“Really…?”

“We all have thoughts like that from time to time, yeah? I mean, I get them! Mine are kind of annoying sometimes, but I get it. Your thing sounds pretty normal to me, besides the whole Landkeeper thing-”

“…so you do think I’m weird.”

“No-! I didn’t mean it like that, I-” he stopped himself, inhaling sharply. “You’re cool and badass! Not weird at all. I just…the Landkeeper thing, it…”

“It what…?”

He let his shoulders drop as he glanced to the side. “…it made me think.”

“About what…?”

“Sunny, do you…remember when Asphodel and I confronted Mammon at the Landkeeper Headquarters-?”

That…was a bit hard. It was always a bit hard when people asked her to remember things. She tried thinking back to the headquarters; being called there for a meeting of importance…the voices of Eugene and Asphodel, of Mammon, and the Landkeepers’ collective link all meshed into a blur…the hectic rush to escape the crumbling building…

…with some effort, she eventually could recall it as she mentally put herself back into that Landkeeper uniform. She could remember parts of it, anyways.

“It’s…a little fuzzy still…but I think so, yes…”

“Well, Mammon spoke directly to me for a bit. I wasn’t having any of it, obviously-”

“What did Mammon say…?”

He didn’t look at her. “Called me…empty. Useless without a purpose. Said I was just like the Landkeepers.” Lightly kicking at nothing, he scoffed. “Yeah, right. Like any of that’s true.”

Sunny blinked slowly at him as the weight of his words dawned upon her; despite the venom in his voice as he spoke of the interaction, the way he blinked rapidly…she could tell he hadn’t moved past it fully still. If Mammon was speaking to him like that, and if it rang even truer to him during that moment, then…

Oh. Oh god.

“…Mammon tried to make you into a Landkeeper.” …like me. “Is that what you’re trying to say…?”

He barked out a forced laugh. “ Yep! And you wanna know the worst part? It probably would’ve worked if Asphodel wasn’t with me, h-heh-”

Frowning, Sunny leaned onto his shoulder. “…well, it didn’t. I’m glad you’re still Eugene. I like him.”

“Pfft. Thanks, buddy.” He put his hands into his pockets, still scowling a bit once his smile died down. “That didn’t feel very ‘Eugene’ of me when that happened, but…if you say so.”

“How so?”

He shrugged. “I guess I feel like ‘Eugene’ shouldn’t be letting his guard down like that. The enemy using your weaknesses against you is a common tactic for a reason! He should’ve known better, at the very least-”

“…it’s not your fault Mammon saw you as an easy target. It’s no fault of anyone targeted by it, really…”

There was a slight pressure in her head as she said that. Surprise, was it? Slight relief, maybe? It was always so hard to tell with those spikes, especially without anything else to fully go off of-

“Still. Eugene- I should’ve expected something like that from the head Landkeeper! Called myself the defender of Harbourtown just to fall apart like that? It’s…” he sighed; a quiet but nervous laugh escaped him soon after. “Talking about myself like this feels…weird, sorry.”

“Heh. I guess you get how I feel, then…”

“Right, you talked about that-” From the way his tone suddenly picked up from before, Sunny had to guess that the subject change was a relief for him. “Do you talk about yourself like that, then?”

“You mean when I talk about my thoughts, right…?”

“Yeah. You said they’re like your own, but not at all?”

“…mhm. It…it isn’t just with what happened in the hideout, too. The same happens with those thoughts I’ve had since no longer being a Landkeeper…I’ve just been calling those thoughts my Landkeeper voice, though.”

“Is that something all Landkeepers have?”

Shrugging, she lightly bit her tongue. “It’s not exactly like I talk to many Landkeepers to know that, Eugene-”

It’s probably not something all Landkeepers have, though. It’d be kinda weird-

Not weird! Stop that!

…uncommon?

She almost let out an audible sigh, before catching herself. It would likely just confuse Eugene; plus, he didn’t need to know the specifics of what was going on in her head.

Thankfully, Eugene didn’t seem to catch her almost slipping up. “Eh, fair enough. What’s the uh…‘Landkeeper voice’ like?”

“Still really…latched onto being a Landkeeper. Kind of why I freaked out that night when I came over to your place, if you remember…” She paused, thinking over her words; the pressure returned as she did so, feeling slightly different this time. “I was…really scared that I made the wrong choice, stumbling into Harbourtown like I did…I think I got a headache trying to convince myself otherwise.”

“O-oh. It’s not…trying to get you to be one again, is it?”

Like Mammon, she wanted to guess. If it was Mammon, she…she’d likely be aware. Probably wouldn’t have much choice in the matter, if Mammon had the same hold over her despite being away for so long. This voice…part of her, or whatever, it just seemed…much more attached to the security being a Landkeeper had, probably.

She shook her head. “No…just anxious about what life outside of the Landkeepers’ Association will be like, I think…”

Eugene opened his mouth to say something, before quickly closing it. He let out a quiet exhale once he seemed to think of something else to say. “Yeah, I guess being one for however long would do that to you-”

“Well, it’s all I- it- she knows-” the words came out rather quickly as she scrambled to figure out how to describe the voice; it felt better, acknowledging those thoughts as a person. Wasn’t sure if that was the right way to describe it, though. She sighed. “And the other one…she just seems really miserable and confused by everything going on. Thinks it’s weird…thinks I’m - or we’re, I guess - weird.”

“Well, that’s wrong! You’re not weird at all.” He made a wobbly motion with his hand as he glanced up at the sky for a moment. “Now everything else about New Wirral…I’ll give her that, it is pretty damn weird-”

She giggled softly for a few seconds, before frowning again. “But, um…yeah. I don’t know…I’ve had those thoughts for a while, from both voices. It’s…really confusing, honestly. It hurts my head a lot. Makes me confused on who ‘Sunny’ is supposed to be, sometimes, too…”

“Hey, that’s fine, okay?” Eugene put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her into a side hug. “Sunny can be whoever you want her to be. That’s always going to be the case no matter what anyone tries to say.”

“And…and if it feels like there’s multiple Sunnies…?”

“Not weird either. You’re still my friend no matter how many ‘yous’ there are, got it?”

She smiled; all sorts of happiness, relief, and slight excitement flooded her head almost all at once as her face lit up. “Got it.”