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On a balmy spring evening in 1977, a comedy of errors was unfolding in the hazy, pillow-piled bohemian bastion that was the Divination Tower.
The infamous Sirius Orion Black had discovered that every Friday, Professor Tisane would abandon his classrooms/sleeping quarters for a sojourn at the Three Broomsticks to ‘inspire his subconscious self’ (read: drunken debauchery). Upon realising this, Sirius broke into the Divination classroom and revived a cherished (and banned) tradition with his inner circle: strip poker.
Within weeks, Regulus Arcturus Black, Prefect, caught wind of it, and resolved to quash Sirius’ illicit excesses — perhaps Regulus’ last chance to catch the Marauders before they graduated.
You may be under the impression that you’re familiar with the famous Marauders. I dare say over-eager fangirls and -boys before me have stirred the dregs of history and completely misread the tea leaves.
At a time when ideological tensions were taut, the truth was that a bizarre, multi-house assortment of students had conglomerated around the disinherited Black heir like sun-melted candy forming an incongruous blob.
What follows is a faithful, unfiltered preamble to our slapdash account. It highlights many Marauder misconceptions, and is presented in the timeless format of an (out of place) dramatis personae.
~~~
Slytherin
REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK — First interloper ever to the Marauders’ Poker Night. Considers his brother’s friends complete idiots, yet R.A.B.’s gaze gravitates to the only other romantically unattached teen in the group, Peter.
SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE — Exhibit A of the Marauder misconceptions; years of throwing hexes and pulling pigtails culminated in Sirius and Severus enjoying vicious hipbone-bumping escapades. Dating for one year.
DORCAS ANN MEADOWES — D.A.M., she is hot. Clever Slytherin who slithers into any appealing situation. Currently working on convincing Lily and Pandora she’d be their perfect third.
Gryffindor
SIRIUS ORION BLACK — This S.O.B. is Regulus’ inheritance-less elder brother. Rebellious, charming, and deeply committed to chaos (and Severus). Dog Animagus.
JAMES HENRY POTTER — Stag Animagus. Nothing else notable.
REMUS JOHN LUPIN — Ah, wait, yes; James and Remus have been together since fourth year, after a love triangle no one dares to mention.
PETER PAUL PETTIGREW — Wait, I forgot to mention Remus is a werewolf!
LILY JEAN EVANS — Brilliant at Potions and Charms, besties with Sev. Very gay for Pandora.
Ravenclaw
PANDORA — Unclear if she’s ever had a surname. Perhaps ‘Pandora’ is some sort of stage name? Ethereal blonde who is — by today’s nomenclature — a thriving neurodivergent. Dating Lily six months.
~~~
One conception that is not a miss about the Marauders is, yes, Everyone Is Gay. This account is founded only on truth. Also, it was tagged.
When Regulus threw open the hatch to the incense-infused tower, no one batted an eye. He glowered at the congregation of couples seated on cushions around a low table, reminded by their canoodling that he must sleep in his four-poster with only his hand for company.
Peter blinked at Regulus, pale eyes swimming with expectation.
Regulus had come to apprehend these scoundrels. Instead, within minutes he had joined them, all because Peter patted the cushion beside him and suggested, “You can sit here if you want.”
So Regulus huddled beside Peter, glancing over at the mousy-haired Gryffindor’s cherubic cheeks and the adorably baffled way he fumbled with his hand of cards.
This briefly bolstered Regulus’ confidence, as he presumed that with Peter here he wouldn’t be the worst player.
Oh how spectacularly Regulus’ expectations were shattered.
Many Marauders’ fans write Peter into the footnotes of their sordid PWP fics, or blandly position him as the default villain. Only his negative traits remain rooted in collective memory.
In fact, the awkward teen had a surprising array of beneficial characteristics. Peter could read emotions with ease, wiggle his way into his friends’ good graces, and play any role while remaining calculatedly cautious. These traits coalesced into the perfect arsenal to disarm, then destroy. With his facade of befuddlement and innocence, he was ready to strip Regulus like sticky post-wank bed sheets.
“Looking a little cocky, Brother-O’-Mine,” Sirius mused as he dealt the cards.
A cascade of knowing glances flew over Regulus’ head. The rest saw it coming clear as the Hogwarts Express, their reactions ranging from glee to exasperation.
It took the bare minimum number of rounds; Regulus tumbled from grace in an impressive string of losses. Soon, R.A.B. was looking quite N.S.F.W., with only his silk pants and the table guarding his virtue.
Well, if Regulus had known he would be playing strip poker against Peter the Poker Savant, he’d have worn trousers and a vest, or at least a slip under his robes.
Regulus inwardly fumed, shivering. This was a set-up!
Lily thought, pityingly; It’s not like Regs was set-up... he just predictably blundered in, tailing Sirius like a duckling follows a dog.
“It’s only 9:30!” James exclaimed, downing the last of the elven wine nicked from the kitchens. “Hasn’t anyone brought something stronger than butterbeer or wine?”
Oh, yes, there was something stronger. Both Sirius and Dorcas jumped to their feet.
“Let me Accio the good stuff!” Sirius exclaimed as he hurried to the window, filled with innocent glee at the prospect of getting black-out drunk with his mates.
“Girls, let’s mix some cocktails. There’s lots of counter space in the loo,” Dorcas suggested, brimming with impure thoughts which spurred her devious plan.
What plan? As mentioned, the ambitious Dorcas was keen on insinuating herself between Pandalily, not to break them up, but to become their third. Dorcas’ reckless strategy hinged on a pricey bottle of Centaurian vodka (the moniker was purely branding — no actual centaurs involved). She had laced this spirit with a mild love potion known as a Fawning Draught.
Yes, leave it to a Slytherin to douse her love interests with vaguely legal substances to further their interest in her. I am not about to turn a blind eye on this historical detail, even if I risk reinforcing stereotypes, as this part is crucial to the plot.
Unfortunately, as Dorcas tugged Lily and Pandora to the hatch leading down to the toilets, Sirius had already cast Accio towards Gryffindor Tower. He snatched the exact same Centaurian vodka from the night sky — pureblood taste is nothing if not predictable.
Time for another timeless trope; the Ol’ Switcheroo. Sirius, on his way back to the table, slammed into Dorcas as she descended the ladder. Their bottles toppled, clinking to the floorboards, but — tipsy and over excited — they each grabbed the wrong one.
“Shouldn’t we wait for the girls?” Remus asked as Sirius triumphantly opened the vodka.
James cuddled up to his honey. “There’s plenty, they can do shots when they’re done mixing their fruity drinks.”
Severus transfigured ‘energy’ stones into six shot glasses.
“I don’t drink,” Regulus announced, crossing his arms as if framing his Prefect badge.
James shrugged. “More for us.”
The Fawning Draught — now in every glass but Regulus’ — works like this: whoever the drinker is looking at while they imbibe will become the target of their adoration, and the dosed person will preen over their newly beloved.
Sirius, Severus, James, and Remus raised their shots. Peter held his halfheartedly.
Sirius beamed. “Bottoms u—”
With perfectly horrid timing, Peter piped up. “Actually, I’ll abstain with Regulus this round.”
His nervous declaration drew everyone’s attention, just as Sirius, Severus, James and Remus’ tongues stung with the bite of the potion-laced spirit.
Peter set his untouched alcohol on the table and grabbed the cards, intending to deal.
Yet, a strange silence alarmed Peter; he looked around, and his friends were staring at him as if the scales had fallen from their eyes.
Sirius swallowed thickly. I’ve never noticed how perfect his mouth is... Imagine those teeth nibbling my neck.
James’ hands slid away from his boyfriend. Godric, all this time Peter’s secretly been a feral little sex beast. How did I miss it?
Remus felt an urge verging on carnivorous. I could swallow that rat whole.
Severus rubbed his sweaty palms on Sirius’ trouser leg. What secret knowledge his sharp mind must possess...
Regulus furrowed his brow at their suspiciously love-struck expressions, surprised to realise the lot of them were as dense as he’d believed. “What are you all...?”
They pounced; Sirius lurched across the table, toppling bottles as Severus and Remus swooped along behind him, and James yanked Regulus off the cushion to claim the spot closest to a squeaking Peter.
Four sets of hands were pawing over a perturbed Peter, as the boys babbled around half-moans.
“Your hair — it’s so soft.”
“Your nails make me so hot, can you scratch me, just a little?”
“Your scent, it’s delectable.”
“Ignore these degenerates, Pettigrew. Let us leave this rabble, and immerse ourselves in activities more stimulating — intellectual, and... otherwise."
Regulus was horrified. “STOP! ALL OF YOU! WHAT IN SALAZAR’S WANK-SOCK ARE YOU DOING?!”
For Regulus, the true horror was not the older boys’ lechery — it wasn’t even the betrayal of his body, half-hard in his silk trousers.
No, the most horrifying thing was Regulus’ bubbling jealousy, bringing a flush to his milk-white skin.
Luckily, the others were too far gone to notice. Peter cast a desperate glance at Regulus, but as Regulus drew his wand — mind racing for a hex to scatter the randy boys — Peter panicked and transformed.
Regulus gasped — he had no idea about the Animagus situation. He barely had time to process it before a black dog was tearing after the rat, knocking crystal balls to the floor.
Remus was clutching James’ shoulders, yelling, “No, James! You’ll crush dearest, sweet Peter if you transform!”
Severus was snarling and hurling hexes at his boyfriend, shrieking, “BAD DOG!” Thankfully, his drunken swaying meant he hit nothing except the delicate Divination instruments lining the shelves.
Lily, Pandora, and Dorcas arrived on the scene feeling respectively exasperated, amused, and enraged (at her foiled plan to drug Pandalily). Lily promptly delivered four rapid-fire Petrificus Totalus.
Peter transformed back, panting from fright. He flung his arms around a stunned Regulus. “I was terrified!” Peter half-sobbed, slipping into his well-worn role of hapless victim — while shamelessly copping a feel of Regulus’ bare, Quidditch-toned back.
The girls dragged the immobile pairs of boyfriends back to their cushions, Sirius still a hound frozen mid-chase. Lily then proceeded to grill Dorcas about what happened. Lily rightly assumed it was Dorcas behind the raucous — notorious chaos bisexual that she was.
“It was just a little party trick!” Dorcas insisted after her explanation of the Fawning Draught. Lily continued to chew Dorcas out for her immoral scheme, while Pandora nibbled on mixed nuts, a muffling charm haloing her.
Peter was still plastered to a mostly-naked Regulus, the close contact making the younger boy far too warm for comfort. Regulus turned his attention from the girls and unexpectedly locked eyes with Peter, pale storm-blue meeting Peter’s watery look of adoration.
Peter gave him a (falsely) shy smile.
“Are you all right?” Regulus asked, throat uncomfortably dry.
“I’m used to people falling all over me,” Peter quipped. “Though it’s usually when I’m scurrying about as a rat.”
There was a flutter in Regulus’ stomach. The vodka had been spiked with Fawning Draught, but neither Regulus nor Peter had touched a drop. Which left Regulus with one uncomfortable conclusion.
I bloody fancy Peter! Regulus realised. He then wondered if Peter’s clinginess and adoring expression meant the sentiment was mutual.
And yes, Peter’s flirtatious attitude was also genuine. Well, as genuine as a people-pleasing, insecure wizard could be.
Boisterous chaos was restored as Lily’s petrifying charm faded and the other boys began shouting at Lily and Dorcas.
Through the mayhem, Regulus — having calculated a reasonably low chance of rejection — slipped his hand into Peter’s. “You can get anywhere in the castle as a rat, I assume? Fancy a look at our common room’s view of the Black Lake, sometime?”
Peter flushed a pretty pink and rested his head on Regulus’ shoulder. “It’s a date, then.”