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Okay Philip, calm down. It's just a duel and you'll just do what Pa said, aim for the sky, don't take Eackers life even if he deserves it.
Yet that awful nagging feeling that he’ll shoot simply does not leave Philip. If he shoots then he's a goner, yet he won't if he's truly a man of honor; Eackers a lawyer, they are honorable so maybe there really isn't anything to worry about, maybe he's just overreacting.
Price said that the duel with Eacker went well yesterday, why wouldn't it go well now? He'd be fine, he has to be, he promised Pa he'd do this in a way to make him proud, he will make Pa proud. Gods he will.
Walking down the streets of New Jersey has never felt worse, as if he was walking down the path to death and misery, as if he was never returning back to his parents ever again, his siblings. He couldn't leave them, he couldn't leave Angie for God's sake!
He finally made it to where they agreed to meet to follow through with the duel, Eacker already there, looking ready as ever, confident, confidence Philip didn't have right now and he doubted he will ever have.
Come on, get it together Philip! You're supposed to be confident! Stop being so fucking nervous! What would Pa think seeing you shake this much for a simple duel, sure they never covered this in boarding school, but get yourself fucking together! This'll go just like it went with Price and then the two of you can go out for some drinks, it's as simple as that, yet it didn't feel that simple.
“Mr. Eacker! How was the rest of your show?” They could at least exchange pleasantries before they go face to face.
Eacker scoffed at that and glared at Philip with a look his Pa only gave Jefferson. “Skip the pleasantries, let's go!” Okay so no pleasantries after all.
After conferring with their men for a few minutes and Eacker refusing to apologize again, it was time for the duel.
“The duel will commence after we count to ten..” Philip said that mostly to himself, to reassure his heart that was beating like crazy and to slow down the adrenaline rushing through his veins.
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They turned around when the count to ten was ready, both of them just looking at each other, not knowing what to do with their guns.
They would have to shoot eventually, who would do it first was the real question and where they would aim. At the ground or at the enemy?
The first one to move after a solid minute of staring at each other was Eacker, before Philip could even comprehend what was happening, a bullet was shot in the side of his hip, causing him to also hit the trigger, though unlike Eacker, his bullet hit the ground.
Philip hit the ground with a thud, not really able to move from the bullet that was currently inside of him, not even really feeling the pain that should be blossoming inside of him at this moment, it all just felt… numb.
He didn't know why he didn't hit the trigger first, his best guess was the shock of actually being in the moment, of actually dueling someone and not just stories from his Pa explaining how it really was.
That's the thing about stories, isn't it? They seem so heroic, like such big acts of bravery, and maybe they are. Maybe having the courage to not only challenge someone to a duel, but actually also go through with it was true bravery. You could speak as much as you like, but it's all empty promises most of the time.
Maybe he was the coward, he was so sure in challenging Eacker to this god forsaken duel, yet in the heat of the moment he couldn't do anything, but stare. He was so scared, so frozen by how ridiculous this whole ordeal was.
How ridiculous he was. He couldn't have just let it go, this wasn't his battle to fight and even if it was, his decision to a duel was so spontaneous. He barely knew anything about duels and yet challenged a 27 year old lawyer who is bound to know more than him.
Oh, how stupid he could sometimes be.
He barely felt the hands grabbing him and the pressure being applied to his gaping wound in which more and more blood seeped out through the fabric of his clothes.
He could faintly hear someone—most likely the doctor—giving out orders to everyone else with them on this truly grey day. His ears were ringing and his heartbeat was too loud in his ears, thumping and making it hard to even think about anything at all, encouraging him to surrender to the bliss and mercy sleep gave.
He could feel being lifted upright which he had to admit hurt like a bitch, everything aches so much, guess the adrenaline was slowing down, making him feel his body too much, too vividly.
The last thing he remembered before passing out was being put on some kind of boat, probably the one they used to cross the Hudson. His last thoughts being of his family and how he let them down, how he couldn't stay alive for them.
I'm sorry Pa. I'm sorry Ma. I'm sorry Angie. I'm so so sorry that I must depart from this world so soon and leave you guys so early. Leave you before I have even entered my twenties, yet there is no use of lying to ourselves, my earthly career has ended and I must say my farewells to all of you while I still can, as I am sure I am not surviving this, I want you all to know how much I love and value you all and that this was not my choice, but simply how God wanted it, I shall depart for now, but am looking forward to seeing you all again in heaven. Till then I bid you goodbye and wish you all luck while you all are still here.
– Philip Hamilton