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The night was deep, all encompassing. Some sleepy sounds were cutting through the silence. The room was comfortably cooled. Chris had his face pressed to the pillow, lying down.
He had crawled into Nick's bed earlier, like he always did. It had become almost natural for him. No matter how old he got, sleeping alone was his least favourite thing, and Nick and Matt perfectly knew it. He always picked between one of his brothers' rooms, but somehow, in Nick's he felt the most comfortable. Knowing his big brother was near, he could sleep peacefully. No nightmare had a chance to take over.
But this night was just different.
Chris didn't know what was going on with him. Nick had fallen asleep about two hours ago, and he was laying down, exhausted from trying to pursue his racing mind and somehow shut it off. Every bone in his body had started to feel uncomfortable. The sound of a racing heart mixed with ringing in his ears was insufferable, almost painful.
The pressure from the whole week had gotten to him. The depletion was taking the rest away from him. He really wanted to fall asleep. He just couldn't stop thinking, his brain was spinning. In moments like that, when his head took over and the anxiety was catching up to him, he felt the most lonely.
And loneliness was his darkest fear. All he wanted was his brothers right now, but waking up Nick didn't sit right with him.
Sighing deeply, he sat up, his skin damp, sticking to the silky sheets. He felt his eyes going watery, the frustration colliding with everything he'd been feeling. He really needed Nick right now, needed to feel like he wasn't alone.
Chris laid down again, deep breathing. His hand made its way under the sheets, near the older brother's body who was snoring softly next to him. Chris searched for Nick's hand and gently grabbed it, hoping that it'd make him feel a little better. He closed his eyes, focusing on Nick's warm touch.
In desperate need for comfort, he leaned a little into Nick's side, hoping he wouldn't wake him up, breathing in his big brother's presence. After a minute he could feel Nick stirring a little.
"Hmm," Nick murmured, his voice thick with sleep. He could feel the unsteady breaths on his shoulder and the heat from the other body pressed to his.
"What's going on? Can't sleep?" he asked after some time, rubbing his eyes, trying to process what was going on.
Chris sighed and leaned more into Nick's body.
"Felt bad," he mumbled, pressing his face into Nick's shirt, feeling close to breaking down.
"I'm here. Try not to think too much, kay?"
Nick's arms embraced the younger's body. Chris just nodded softly, and they stayed like that for a while, eyelids closed, hoping the sleep would come, until the silence was broken by little sobs.
"Hey, hey, what's up, Chris?" Nick, still half asleep, worriedly opened his eyes, feeling his shirt wet and the younger's body shaken up by sobs.
"Shhh, it's okay. I'm here," he murmured, trying to gently lift Chris' head to see his face, but the youngest was glued to him, not letting go. So instead, he just sat up a little, leaning their bodies against the headstand.
He didn't push Chris to talk. Instead, he just hugged him tightly, assuring he wasn't letting go, massaging his back in a familiar rhythm that always calmed him down. Nick didn't ask, giving Chris space to feel vulnerable, occasionally just humming something under his breath to let him know he was present.
He wondered what could've happened, knowing it could be anything or nothing. Chris always felt things so deeply, no matter if they were actually significant, and always let it pile up in him, not letting go. Holding it in tightly, dimming it with his energetic demeanour, drowning it out with his laugh - but deep down, he was buzzing. And in the night, when everything went silent, his mind was running on fumes.
And Nick knew it. He always knew. Every little shift in Chris' mood, every hitch in his breath. He always knew if something was off, and he also knew to let his brother cry with no questions why, just being there for him.
After a while, he could hear little sniffles, the cries slowly fading away. Nick purposely slowed down his breath for the younger to follow, which he knew Chris subconsciously did.
Chris finally decided to lift his head up, just to rest it over Nick's shoulder, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his presence.
"Shhh, deep breaths. just like that..."
Nick's voice was heavenly gentle, shushing Chris' mind, closing the annoying tabs in his brain, drying his tears off as he focused on his big brother's breathing, trying to match its rhythm.
"It's okay, sweetheart, you're okay now. I'm here."
The older's fingers were stroking Chris' back, drawing long, methodical lines up and down his spine. The other hand danced through his curls, thumb rubbing small circles on the nape of his neck. He started rocking them gently as if trying to regulate Chris' hammering heart.
"I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean t- to-" Chris whispered after a minute, his voice raspy, small, still filled with tears.
"No, no sorries. It's okay," the older assured, still massaging Chris' back. He could feel the tension slowly fading away, muscles relaxing under his touch as Chris melted into his body, holding onto him like a lifeline.
"I couldn't sleep and... and my mind was scaring me and I felt like I- I was going crazy and I just didn't wanna b-be alone." He sniffled. "Didn't mean to wake you up."
Nick's heart ached. He knew how vulnerable his little brother would get, especially at night. Holding him and feeling him uneven, so small and fragile in his embrace made him emotional. He hid his cheek in the younger's curls and placed a kiss on the top of his head - a small promise that he'd never leave, that everything would be okay.
"It's alright, now. I'm here, 'kay? We're okay."
He hugged him even tighter, as if trying to protect him from the world. He knew he had to. He knew it was his job to do so. But he didn't mind it at all. Being his brother's anchor and his light was something he has lived for.
"Don't worry about waking me up. Do it every time you need me and I'll be there."
A small mumble escaped Chris' mouth, something similar to "Thank you," but it disappeared somewhere between their united breaths and occasional sniffles. They stayed like that for a longer time, not even saying much, just focusing on each other.
Holding his brother, Nick never stopped making sure he was okay, listening closely to his breaths, feeling it under his fingertips while tracing lines somewhere on his ribs, listening for any shifts. Even counting the beats of his heart he could feel softly thumping next to him. And when he felt any unsteadiness, he just simply reminded Chris he was there, with little whispers or gentle touches.
"Do you wanna try to get some sleep, bub?" Nick asked, feeling Chris' body growing heavier in his arms. Chris' cheek was pressed to his shoulder. He was more steady now. The sleep was finally catching up to him, slowly but surely silencing his mind. His eyelids grew heavier as he listened to his brother's breaths that were lulling him.
"M'kay... but don't leave... please." Chris shifted, wrapping his arms around Nick even tighter, as if he were about to disappear.
"I will never leave you." The older placed a feather-light kiss into his hair, closing his eyes. "Now close your eyes and try to get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
Chris just nodded softly into his shoulder.
"Nick?"
"Hmm?"
"I- I think I'm better now, but I still feel kinda shaky," the younger admitted softly, lifting his head a little. Even though, the fear was gone and he felt safe in Nick's arms, his mind somehow was still trying to convince him otherwise. He was fighting the sleep, still not very sure he could let his body rest.
"It's okay. Can you feel me breathing?"
Nick knew what to do. They'd been there many times before. He smiled lightly, feeling the gentle nod.
"Good. Just try to match me. We'll go very slow. don't think about anything else right now but breathing - slooowly, like the little tired koala you are. Can you do that?"
Chris giggled a little, and too tired to even think of an answer, just snuggled more into Nick, absorbing the familiar warmth that felt like home, safe and content.
Nick started taking slow, deliberate breaths. Chris tried his best to follow him and focus on the moment.
And just like that, the anxiety didn’t stand a chance to break into his mind.
Not a moment had passed when Chris was out, softly snoring in Nick’s embrace. The older smiled to himself proudly, feeling the relief. Chris, all peaceful in his arms.
He didn’t let go, not yet. He simply just laid them down more comfortably, wrapping them up in blankets, making sure Chris was perfectly covered, still rubbing his back.
Nick didn’t let himself fall asleep until he was sure Chris was perfectly calm, feeling for any unsteadiness in his breaths, any tension in his body.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he didn’t mind.
With his little brother nestled into his body, slowly he let himself doze off.