Chapter Text
Per usual, she’s driving past the tall housing, speckled in nothing other than perfection. Fully white, looming over her busted dark blue Ford Festiva, pale pillars, and familiarity but never comfort. The prison that holds captive her best friend, the one whom Shauna has spent an embarrassing amount of time pursuing, one who is consistently in her life. She could never bare to ignore the natural blondish brunette hair, small yet full lips, sharp cheekbones, light hazel eyes, and the wide eyed beauty who somehow is her best friend. The girl walks with such youth, and her usual signature perfection, with her backpack piled over a singular shoulder as her hand slowly opens the car door, she sits casually looking comfortable, fastening her seat belt, the shut of the door cutting off the daze Shauna wore. Causing her eyes to open a little more as she turns to her best friend forming a sheepish smile as Jackie says
"hey there Shipman", it's her usual charming self, the soft tone, the sweet notes of her perfume, and the regular dull response from Shauna.
"hey Jax". She's occupied staring until she realizes that perhaps that it's not the move to stare blank mindedly in a trance, when she's probably only there for the drive to school. She hovers her foot over the pedal, doing as she does practically every morning other than weekends, when even then she has to drive Jackie somewhere unless she finds that forgiveness is the virtue and it must be the best virtue of all, as she always is back in that dusted, beat up wagon of Jeff's, even after their countless fights. Arguments that cause Jackie to confide in Shauna for the umpteenth time, beginning in sighs of relief until as time passes on she knows were meaningless to express, when the next day Jackie would be held in Jeff’s arms once again. As with their relationship, Jackie and Jeff seem intertwined, not only because they have the same initials that their names share, but because they’ve been dating on and off since Freshman year. It's such a bitch to deal with, she'll probably never admit it to Jackie but it's annoying after awhile, she's going to become uncaring by the fiftieth time they break up. In all honesty despite how weird it sounds she may have kept count. She knows she has, because each time they break up, is each time she has to unwind the mess they both made, typically due to some dumb shit Jeff did, said, or even didn't do. Though it's been over the twentieth time she's handled coddling Jackie, as if she herself doesn't wind up going back to him, leaving the same mess with scattered tear and mucus filled tissue, containers of ice cream, if she even managed to eat it without any more thoughts that filled her head of her mother's shaming of all kinds, and her bundled in either Shauna's attic bedroom covers, with constant ranting, speaking of ways that Jeff irked the shit out of her and basically how fucking miserable she is with him. That or it takes place in Shauna's living room watching whatever movies she brought over or Shauna put on to distract her (typically beaches), and most rarely moments of which Shauna is in Jackie's bedroom comforting her with a warm embrace, despite the annoyance of it all. She still finds herself there nonetheless, half listening to whatever Jackie speaks of, about her not buttering his biscuit or vice versa, either way it's the same things, he's horny and she's waiting and he's unknowingly dived himself off the plank by not knowing a morsel about Jackie, what she likes and whatnot, and that upsets her. Leaving her riled up, upset, walking away from him or confiding in Shauna leaving him with this stupid dopey look, as he confides in Randy Walsh, ensuring that it wasn’t his fault, he did no wrong, and as he claims
“fuck, I think Jackie was on her period or something”. He'll scratch his head and stare at the floor like it'll respond with the same reassurance Randy Walsh has to say soon after.
"She's probably hitting that time of the month man." Randy will reply with, and pat Jeff on the back, giving him a knowing look, like he's a wise all knowing bachelor, and as if Jeff's a second place holder at a race, receiving advice from a first place master. Despite Jeff not knowing shit about chicks like he seemingly believes.
Jackie will look over at Shauna once again, with her tear filled spectacles being the light brown eyes, big and all, asking the same question again.
"you know everything about me, so why can't Jeff know my favorite flower—” her eyes become small resisting the big globs of water nearing their descent.
“Shauna . . What's my favorite flower?" Jackie asks, blowing her nose loudly, abruptly, face in hands.
"Poppies" Shauna replies dully, knowing damn well what her favorite flower is, knowing her favorite food, quote, car, soccer tactic, movie, color, e.t.c. She could name it all. Yet Jeff can't give enough of a damn to remember or notice, it's rather sad really, but she can't get too sad when she realizes that either way Jackie still runs back to him.
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Any whom it's nearing the time the warning bell rings as she is raring up to the school, the whole car ride was the usual, Jackie constantly talking about who knows what, probably whatever rager/party Jeff had let her know about or gossip that fills the halls. The game they had previously won, and tactics they need to go over. She was somewhat listening and adding snarky replies, sarcastic, and genuine comments here and there to show she was attentive. She would pay more attention, but she does this everyday and as nice as the routine is, it gets tiring playing the same charade each and every time, the same dumb music or what feels like the exact same music as all the bubbly pop blares in her ears meshing together to sound like one big song that plays each time Jackie instinctively turns the nobs of the radio and lightly nods her head or sways occasionally when she really feels the rhythm or whatever; despite it being too bubbly and overbearingly, sugary sweet in her ears. She picks her hands off the steering wheel, taking the keys out of her car gently, grabbing her backpack from the back seat, stuffing her journal roughly along with it. Jackie persists with whatever she was talking about in the car, all the way to their lockers. Shauna knows it's about time for Jeff to come along, his stupid smile as he puts his arm over Jackie's shoulder and stares at whatever skin she bared to show that day. Occasionally, He glances at Shauna when he notices Jackie is caught up in Shauna's presence or her own conversation, she feels a mixture of guilt and disgust at the stare that bares into her, dragging large, haggard, stumpy fingers into a wound. The memory of a lingering past mistake. He stays unassuming to the threats, punches, and rejection Shauna fills her eyes with and spits upon his presence like acid, Jackie never seems to notice, she's too busy presenting herself lovey dovey for the whole school to watch, a way of putting on a play, one that involves her being the perfect girlfriend an A+ candidate for a housewife and whatever it follows. Funnily enough Jackie could never be a housewife unless she improved her shitty cooking skills and her inability to listen to anyone but herself. Shauna will think of Jackie as what she is to her, how selfish and blatantly rude she could be and still Shauna feels guilty about it, removing it from her brain despite the truths it bares. Though she knows that's far from it, Jackie works hard, she could be anything, if she spent time on worthwhile things, by that she means everything but Jeff and she knows Jackie is sweet at heart, she just sometimes is caught up in herself, too much to notice how it affects Shauna. Nonetheless, either Jeff got the hint, or it was the force of a baseball buddy, pushing away from Jackie, as Jackie presents hime with a farewell kiss, like they won't see each other later. She distracts herself and in the process a different blonde settles into her peripheral vision catching her attention if not just for a moment. She watches Natalie Scatorccio settle herself against her locker, chill, a smile running across her face, Shauna sees her crooked teeth and they enamor her in a way that holds no explanation, a friend she sees around her often Kevyn Tan is what caused the smile it appears. Once again, she forces her eyes away and finds another yellowjacket, her eyes darted away from Natalie, then to another girl across from her, of a darker skin tone, a beautiful caramel, with jet black hair and long legs that stood on a pedestal themselves alone. The clear difference in class demonstrates itself among the dingy walls that don't shine. In comparison to all the teens walking around her bubble they seem to be of a lower tier, separate from her. While she stares something halts her from the sight, a tan hand but not the same caramel that she’d had in vision up until now. The hand moves motioning over her eyes to gain her attention back to the supposed conversation she was apparently a part of?
"Earth to Shauna, hello are you there?"
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Well I was discussing what I should wear for my date with Jeff or at least I was, until you seemed to disappear, staring at who knows what"
"Okay, so what were you thinking of wearing?"
"Well I was hoping I could stop by before I go, y'know considering my mom doesn't let me have the clothes I like" Jackie rolls her eyes as she does at the mention of her mother.
Jackie typically stores whatever clothes she knows her mom will comment on at Shauna's, before every party they always head to Shauna's house almost like tradition. She so desperately wishes to deny all of her needs to come over before she heads out with Jeff, she hates the idea of them clung together and Jeff's pathetic attempts to "score" as if he had the ability to, he can't even hit a home run or anything other than a strike, ball, or whiff, what makes him think he can reach that base? (He couldn't even make contact with a ball if his life depended on it and somehow he's on the baseball team.) It's a pain in the ass but once she sees the usual smile of a girl perched in front of her, shining at her, the beautiful squinted eyed girl. She can't deny the visit.
A sigh escapes her lips, "Yeah, just drop by like you always do, did you have anything in particular in mind?" She engages in the conversation despite her lack of curiosity towards this topic in particular. She really doesn't care to know what outfit Jeff will try to get his slimy hands underneath.
"I don't know cause I was thinking the pink dress, cause I like the way it hugs me right, but I also like the purple blouse but I'm not sure cause I'm trying to think of what'd look better" her eyebrows narrowed as she's deep in thought, envisioning the countless items she has and what she can wear to impress.
"What do you think Shipman?"
"Umm..." how is she supposed to respond? She doesn't know how to answer such a simple question herself, and guilt continues to wave over her knowing things her friend doesn't about her shit boyfriend.
Just then the warning bell rings saving her and they both know it's about time to pack the conversation up along with whatever books they need out of their locker. Shauna's first period is one of the plethora of AP classes she has and even though the teachers trust her enough to believe excuses she gives them she'd rather not deal with the hassle of explaining a fake story especially if they're in one of those shitty moods where nothing can get past them and they feel the need to scorn a teen just to make their misery a little bit better.
"Okay I've got to go" Shauna starts with.
"Okay I'll see you during creative writing right?"
"Yeah of course Jax"
She replies in her usual soft tone reserved for her best friend. Jackie walks away her usual walk filled with her confident nature and without the thoughts that consistently fill Shauna, the ones that are pure guilt and unadulterated self loathing. For reasons unbeknownst to Jackie, that of the secret that lies in Jeff's sticky, dingy back seats and the acceptance letter hidden in a drawer she knows Jackie won't go through, one that doesn't interest her enough to rummage in even if she's got nosy tendencies. Each time she goes through it, the hazy vision, her inability to walk straight, her red dress (the boob dress) riding up her thighs as she walks over to the battered station wagon, tipsy, no drunk. The feeling of vomit, brimming the edge of her throat ready to escape, acidic and unbearable. Clogging her throat, making it hard to swallow the lump in her throat and simply breathe. Ready to run despite the blur, nausea and headache that’s been pounding since the speakers echoed through the house and when Jackie whispered into Jeff’s ear and his smile reappeared. The look of determination in her eyes and pride that she would finally commit to the base she’d kept avoiding. Jackie unfortunately wasn’t the one who committed to losing their v-card that night, though Shauna hadn't wished for it to end the way it did.
The lip gloss that was still on his lips, perfume on his neck, that same sweet smell, intoxicating. She buried her head into it, small kisses on his neck as she envisioned it was Jackie she touched. The rough, dry coarse skin met her lips instead ruining the fantasy, ruining the anger, the obsession and yearning that needed to be released in any which way she could grab a hold of. The desperate pleas or rather demands for him to say “I love you” so she could use that strawberry lip gloss, the remnants of the girl who was with him to see her, feel her, love her, make it hers and have it back even if untrue. A fantasy made true through another person, through Jeff fucking Sadecki. The unbearable guilt that trembled in her body after, the resolve she believed in just before with the aid of alcohol and secondhand smoke, that she’d become satisfied, that the lust would dissipate along with the abrupt false narrative and makeup sex. Instead her self respect vanished, her belief that it would help even if a little was barricaded in a deep soul crushing regret, and a cheap, stale, overwhelming cologne. Her nose burned, engraved with the stench of his cologne and Jackie's everything that had been imprinted upon Jeff, like a marking each time Shauna went in for more of her, more of Jackie, met with more of Jeff as a result. She went home greeted by shame, she felt cheaper than Jeff’s cologne, grosser than the fluid that ran down her leg or the chapped lips that met hers. Messy hair, tangled when she ran her hands through them to sort herself out, make her image bearable despite the hate in her heart for herself that remained with the sticky residue from the lip gloss, that was overthrown by saliva from Jackie’s boyfriend. Nothing other than the bitter taste left in her mouth, what she’d thought would be sweet from strawberries became rotten, artificial, only a reminder, the memory of Jackie's remaining lip gloss muddled, tampered with a hatred for herself and for a girl who’d never reciprocate. A shower was needed, desperately running a rag to her body to scrub away the filth but she couldn’t erase what was mental, so she scrubbed till the red marks filled her skin leaving no trace of white but instead a red that matched the dress bundled up, dirty in a pile on the floor. along with her underwear and bra that had been touched by the one person she'd never have wanted to touch it, it’s innocence sullied. The marks on her skin kept coming with each drag and pull, more aggressive than the last, only stopping till it burned like a fire that danced and made its way as the rag did but she still couldn't forget. The rush of Jeff's clumsy hands, the rocking that shook the car, hot and heavy, and overbearing. His hands that made it's way every which way, seeing how far he could step over her boundaries, how far he could take it, how far he could push her. The taste of Jeff mixed with artificial strawberry wouldn’t leave her memory despite it being gone, the memory of a college that Jackie wasn’t invited to, and the yearn was still there, it wouldn’t escape her body until she told her or ended it all, even then it'd still sting, still haunt her.
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She walks blankly, dragging her feet unenthusiasticly to her first period sitting near the back, her seat that squeaks slightly each time she moves only furthering her insecurity revolving her weight and physical complexion. Even worse when her thighs seem to take up more space on her chair than she'd like. And when her chest hits the desk somewhat each time she inhales too much. Luckily for her she's not wearing a skirt or the chair would stick to her legs, making it hard to function in the almost hour long class that overwhelms her brain enough some days that she doesn't need that extra discomfort. She sighs on her way to class, passing by familiar rooms and finally the bell rings. It's after her 4th period, thank the lord, it's lunch. Constantly being in AP classes is fine and all but sometimes she craves the touch, smell, laughter, and overall presence of her best friend and the other yellowjackets as well
They all typically share a table except some Junior varsity players, like Allie who sometimes sits next to the senior Paul with a last name she doesn't care enough to remember, and Robin and Britt, and most importantly Natalie who sits beside the other burnouts, Charlie, Rich, and Kevyn Tan. Though Shauna only really knows two of them, mainly Kevyn who she has an AP class with. Funny enough for being so called "burn outs" he has an advanced class. The only proof of burnout is the outfits they wear and gossip spoken about them or rather about one blonde. Their dress code consists of their commitment to only funeral attire, black nail polish on Natalie that shines from certain angles, and Kevyn's shitty attempt to recreate that with what Shauna seems to believe is the residue of a black sharpie. It really depends though, some days like when they're not there or if there's a game or if she seems to feel like it, she'll be sitting beside Shauna. Shauna will bask in those rare appearances for a reason she doesn't quite understand. Maybe it's because she's kind of cool, she's good at being a winger, close with Shauna who plays midfielder and they work so fucking well together despite them not talking much. But it could be because she stands out, she's interesting, one minute it's as if she's not listening but then she'll recall a moment in the past, something specific and mention it. Almost as if she paid a great deal of attention to them. Shauna finds her enamoring in an odd way, she's beautiful for one, no one really mentions it, all they mention is the rumors that shroud her, her nicknames that people use far too often. Nasty Natalie, slutty Scatorccio, and the burnout bitch that is slutty enough to surround herself with a sausage party at their little table of burnouts. Though Shauna has never called her that nor does she have the intention of bringing it up, she wouldn't like it if people said that type of shit about her or to her, especially if a good deal is made up of judgement, gossip, lies, or past mistakes. So why'd she judge Natalie for that, I mean it's not like she herself doesn't have her own pile of skeletons ready to spill from the closet. She'd never go out of her way to do something that shitty even when Shauna knows she's an asshole, an overall shitty person herself. She knows what it's like to have runaways that follow her, people branding Shauna with the obvious slurs and accusations of homosexuality. Saying she's a dyke and all because she hasn’t been seen with a guy’s tongue down her throat, Jackie always denies it, speaking of being gay or a lesbian specifically as if it's some sick disease or as if it's equivalent to cannibalism or murder, as if she would do that or has the intention of it. Though Shauna knows eating other people out is normal for the qualifications of a dyke, yet the idea alone doesn't seem to be right in Jackie's eyes or rather Shauna isn't that type of person apparently. So of course she defends Shauna's honor or at least that's what she calls herself doing every time someone murmurs it a little too loudly in the halls or some drunk teen mentions it at a party, or an opposing team at a game mutters "fag" loud enough for them to hear. Jackie will say that it's untrue and that it’s disgusting that they accuse her of such a thing, y'know the usual. But she can't deny that her stomach does a weird thing where it jolts and flips at the sight of girls sometimes, especially in the locker rooms when she's dodging the sight of half naked teammates who appear far too attractive in her foggy vision. Attempts to feign sight of beautiful girls that surround her. Pretending that their presence doesn't stir something inside of her, even when they come in contact with her and hug or do any sort of intimate act that is normal between friends. Though maybe all is not lost considering there is a girl her heart doesn't beat rapidly for and of course the girl would be fuck ass Becky Martin, she is an obvious skank bitch, and not the hot kind (unfortunately).
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It's the next day, a school day, and it appears to be lunch already, as she stands in line for food preparing her money to pay for whatever they seem to offer at the moment. On today's menu there's the usual, a tuna sandwich, cheese and ham, salad, and soup. She's deciding, rather lost as for what she should choose but ultimately decides for the safe option, one that is filling enough for afterschool practice. Though the good thing is that she has something to look forward to, her mother presented her with something in the morning that day. Before she had dropped off her best friend when her mom was preparing breakfast which happened to be French toast. It's simple enough to make, even when it's early and so it was sitting on the countertops on a white ceramic plate, with options of syrup and fruits of her choice. She usually adds a dollop of whipped cream but it's a school day and she knows better than to upset her stomach in such ways, so she settles for some bananas, syrup, and whatever berries are present. Her mom leans on the countertops staring at her daughter as she feasts on the stack in front of her. Knife and fork in hand conquering the mountain that is her portion of French toast.
"I knew you'd be hungry and I figure if you got practice, might as well go far for my kiddo-I mean it's been a while since I made breakfast right?"
"Yeah it's been a minute" She replies with words rather scuffed due to the food in her cheeks making it hard to chew, swallow, and talk all at the same time.
"Well I know how hard you've worked"
"Hmm?" Her mouth just briefly stuffed with a chunk of French Toast, lifting her head staring through her raised eyebrow.
"Well okay I'm just gonna say it, I wanted to reward you and I've been working enough overnight shifts, and guess I heard of a concert coming up" Deb Shipman rambles which is a characteristic that seems to have found its way to her daughter too. She then holds up two tickets, that say a name that Shauna can't make out, quite difficult when her mom is waving them in the air triumphantly showing them off to her daughter.
"W-what?, oh my god- wait who? What concert?" She’s still chewing the remnants of French toast in her mouth and swallows abruptly to speak clearer. She has a thought in her head of a few artists she likes, ones even her mom knows cause she’ll be caught listening to them sometimes when her mom comes home later in the day or because of her numerous tapes in her car that are filled with her favorite artists.
"I know you really like their music, I don't really know much about them but a few coworkers were talking about a concert and connections and guess what? I scored tickets!" Deb continues to wave the tickets at Shauna and she finds that her curiosity is killing her. She swiftly tries grabbing them to her success and looks at the big letters, it says Veruca Salt in fine print and Shauna's eyes go big.
"No way" her jaw hangs wide open as a big grin spreads to her face, this is the happiest she's been in a while.
"Thanks so much mom, I've always wanted to see them" she says this happily and goes and gives her mom the biggest hug. Her mom pats her head and says
"no prob kiddo, I got you two just in case you wanted to take anyone too. I mean I'd go with you but I fear I have a shift I have to cover that day unfortunately, cause I know how much you would want your mommy to go with you." She says jokingly, smiling at her teasingly, "Haha, Very funny mom" she says sarcastically. And Shauna automatically responds after a brief second with a sudden hug and an "I love you so much mom, thank you". She mumbles, loud enough for her mom to her clearly. Sighs a happy breath, the wind escaping her lungs in disbelief and comfort, it’s been a while since she’s gotten a hug from her mom, and since Shauna became a teen she never gave as much affection like she did when she was younger towards her. Sure there were hugs but when one becomes a teen they seem to happen less, and Deb missed the sensation and Shauna seems to have too, but they definitely were closer than Shauna was with her father. Not to mention Shauna hasn't looked all too swell as of recent and I suppose her mom really noticed, considering her grades are always good and she's always early and present to school even without reprimand or any need for her mom to remind or tell her, this leads her mom to really appreciate all the work she puts into her academics and being a good daughter. The small things Shauna does too, like wash her mom’s clothes when she’s been out for her shifts that last too long, even when they're blood stained from her nurse work, or her exemplary job cleaning the house so it looks presentable even when Deb isn’t around for a while. Despite how aloof or lacking in being exactly talkative, Deb knows that she's a teen and she respects that, she cares for her daughter, feeling bad enough that she can't spend much time with her considering the constant shifts, and she see's her daughters kindness. Shauna notices this, feeling grateful that even without a father present in her life her mom is there, it's better to have a loving mother than a shitty father who won't even give her the time of day, at least that's what she convinced herself to believe. Most definitely in these times as her mom does so much for her, Shauna feels bad, it's due to that acceptance letter from Brown and she knows it's the reason for constant shifts but the fact that she even cares enough to go this far is more than she'd ever thought she deserved.
Her mom breathes a sigh of relief as she returns the hug.
"I love you too kiddo"
So of course though she was listfull and uncommunicative in the car as she almost believed the morning was a dream, really just not caring too much for whatever nonsense her friend had to say, no offense to Jackie but it was not gonna snap her out of the happy shock she was having the whole morning and some of her class periods, that is until lunch, after the haze of focus for her Ap class wore off. When it all hit her that in two weeks she was going to go to the Veruca Salt concert, her grin had then returned while exiting the lunch line, she even handed the person on duty who takes money, a ten dollar bill when her lunch only cost five dollars. The pimple filled boy waved around her change as she dazedly walked away, she didn't care at that moment, her dreams of finally going to a concert was just ushered into existence. She sits at the yellowjacket table out of habit and not too much of her paying attention.
"Woah that is one crazy smile you got going there" van says with a smirk, her face amused.
"Yeah who's got you smiling like that?" Lottie says shortly after.
"Concert" Shauna says absent minded, still stuck in that trance of temporary happiness. A presence finds its way behind Shauna, a tray in hand asking a question as if she was sitting there the whole time.
"Whose it for?" Natalie asks as she seems to have overheard. She plops herself on the seat beside Shauna across from Lottie and Laura Lee.
"Veruca Salt" Shauna says rather abashedly, cheeks turning a light pink, because her taste in music is always put down when it's brought to Jackies attention, typically talking down on it to hype up whatever pop songs she likes at the moment, refusing the slight alternative music Shauna enjoys.
"No fucking way, you like Veruca Salt?" " I really didn't take you to be one who enjoys her music... damn Shipman I'm jealous as fuck right now" Natalie retorts.
"Wait, you like Veruca Salt? I didn't expect that —" "I mean Jackie always says they're too much, like emo or punk or whatever and I don't know but umm— yeah I'm like really excited I guess you could say"
"Fuck what Jackie thinks, Veruca Salt is totally bad ass– actually I think if anything I'm starting to respect you more Shipman" Natalie says with a sly smile she gives a wide tooth filled grin, punching Shauna’s shoulder gently and Shauna sort of blushes at the thought that Natalie respects her, rubbing her arm where Nat’s hand grazed.
"Nat has a point they are totally badass" Van says, Lottie nods, proving Natalie's point. Some JVs look at each other confused murmuring things like when Gen asks "whose that?" And Melissa replies "man I don't know" along with a few shrugs from their table. Though Taissa seems to agree with Van, so does Laura Lee and Lottie. Soon after they are giving accepting nods of approval and speak of the devil, Jackie walks over after having been sitting or rather hovering the other table of jocks, except they weren't soccer jocks like her but rather baseball, where her on and off boyfriend sat. Jackie would wrap her arms around him or whisper things into his ear as he displays his stupid smile that looks more dumb and hoping in Shauna's eyes than it should. After a few kisses between them and a goodbye kiss on the cheek Jackie gives Jeff, she just knows the sticky strawberry lip gloss is all over his lips and cheeks and it gets her rather annoyed to think of it any further so she just ignores the thoughts focusing on the happy news she has at the moment. Jackie asks why they're nodding and is greeted by the team as Shauna explains that she's going to a concert.
"Good for you Shipman, it's nice to see you'll finally get out of the house" Jackie adds with a big smile, the usual she presents with her shine that glimmers despite the crap lighting in the cafeteria.
"I went out with you to a party like last week, what do you mean?" She says rather confusedly as the way Jackie presents it appears as if Shauna hasn't even a morsel of a social life, as if they don't go out together and aren't attached to the hip.
"Yeah- yeah, I know that, but like you're gonna be like out after that last time we went out y’know and who knows maybe you'll see a cute guy, oh my gosh we're gonna have to hang out before the concert so I can like totally doll you up for the cute guys" she says as if she isn't pretty or attractive without makeup or as if she even wants to look for any guys. Like the whole point of going is for the males she'll see there or almost like she is nothing without a guy by her side, a guy to hold her. Which in all honesty to Shauna is bullshit and she doesn't even care for guys like that, she makes it decently clear considering all the rumors that smack her in the head as the halls whisper not so silently the word dyke.
"I'm there for a concert Jax, not some stupid hookup" she says bitterly, gritting her teeth, biting her tongue to prevent venom from spewing, as this isn't the first time that a guy is being thrown at her, even if Jackie hasn't even seen the guys she speaks of Shauna needing to dress up for. She just likes the idea of proving the rumor wrong and showing the school and her parents that her best friend is normal and totally straight cause there's something wrong with liking the same gender it appears.
"Yeah why does she need to impress a guy anyway, also she looks totally hot without all that dressing up any who" Lottie says this giving Shauna a little wink while she smiles with her addictive grin her teeth slightly crooked and beautiful in all it’s glory, where her dark brown eyes slightly crinkle and it makes her appear confident yet playful. It's pleasant to see and instantly her face and ears get hot at the comment and gesture.
"Don't tease her too much, she's gonna explode any minute" van replies mischievously.
"Fuck you I—" "I'm not gonna explode" she smiles sheepishly while flipping van off, still red from Lottie's remark. But you can't blame a girl, with Lottie being so pretty and calling her "hot" while winking like that too. If she were to explode it'd be self explanatory and completely understandable in her book. Jackie looks at them rather annoyedly, as if someone spilled food on her favorite sweater, her face crumpled into a knot for a second before changing the topic. What really lingered in anger or annoyance for Shauna regarding Jackie was the idea that she seemed to almost force Shauna to be "presentable" or to be made into a makeover experiment, like a puppet or doll Jackie would have reign over. She said that they "must" hang out beforehand because apparently not only can Shauna not do anything right, but she also needs Jackie in order to do anything, and she can't even deny anything Jackie says because that's her best friend and she loves her and she knows she's completely right. But it can be a hassle to meet her standards when Shauna is her own person and has her own needs that are completely ignored, not at all respected like she'd wish. It's so infuriating but she let's it simmer as blowing up on her is not an option, she remembers that Jackie presently gives that smile with blissful ignorance and charm, or her adorable eyes that shone to get acceptance, a yes that will never be a no from the pushover that is Shauna, some of her anger dissipates. It's certainly not an option, though she so desperately wishes to grow a backbone hoping it'll allow her to gain respect from others and keep her ability to retain her own personality. While managing her silent growing resentment. The bell rings noting it's time for Shauna to head to the library for her free period, her study hall for moments in between the draining efforts that are required for advanced classes. It's finally a time to be at peace or just get shit done before she gets home.
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Though a presence lingers behind her and lightly hits her arm in a casual way. It's a bleach blonde mystery that enters her personal bubble as she tries to catch up to Shauna's quick pace. A hand that lingers over Shauna's shoulder is omnipresent and makes Shauna a little flustered as she isn't used to contact and never from Natalie at least.
"Hey" Natalie says coolly though her tone also appears a little nervous, but perhaps that's Shauna's imagination.
"Hey Nat? What are you doing here?" She asks curiously.
"Oh—" "well umm is it cool?" Natalie asks, scratching her head.
"Is what cool?"
"Like me being here, like talking to you or whatever— is it alright or?" "I mean like I can leave if you're busy or something" Natalie asks, becoming small and almost sad like she knows she'll be rejected but whatever rejection she expects is quickly kicked out of the picture as quickly as it was thought, as Shauna replies immediately.
"No it's cool no worries" Shauna instinctively says this, saying before thinking for once.
"Oh okay cause I just wanted to, you know ask if you wanted to hang out or something like that– it doesn't have to be right now unless you're free i mean" she stumbles it all comes out of her mouth either quickly like a mumble or slow when she is thinking, when she wants a response but also is scared to ask.
"Y'know you don't have to ask to hang out?—" "we're friends aren't we? I mean I'd never mind hanging out with you but um– just letting you know I don't want you to think you have to ask to talk to me or anything" She states this to Natalie smiling as she looks at her, Natalie's nervousness dims, she chuckles, a giggle emits from her at how adorable Natalie looks at the moment, she appears confused and staring, mouth open, jaw slightly slacked open to make an "O" shape. Despite her punk attitude she can be really cute huh?
"What's with the laugh" Natalie frowns playfully, "am I funny looking?" She says jokingly.
"No, you're pretty cute when you wanna be though?" Shauna retorts, smiling and laughing a little more. It was unusual for her to admit something like this out loud but she said it without thinking. Shauna's bunny-like front teeth appear as Natalie turns from her pale complexion, to a red that matches the red stripes paraded throughout her black shirt covered by a signature leather jacket. Now they both giggle with Natalie’s deep set of dimples making an appearance and Shauna steals a glance admiring her complexion in an awe or trance. They head toward the direction Shauna leads, the hallways more quiet than before, the feeling as if it's just them two in the school despite the reality being that the bell rang when they were immersed in conversation.
"Shit, I'm sorry Nat I didn't realize the bell rang"
"Nah don't worry, I wasn't gonna go to that class anyways, apparently there's a test and I'm looking forward to missing it" she gives a smile reassuring Shauna it's cool while also being cute as Shauna's heart squeezes a little, an unfamiliarity or unusual occurrence but the good kind. Shauna notices her dark roots exposed through tufts of somewhat messy hair that comes to light charming despite it, almost appealingly messy, the bangs hanging nearer to her eyes, swooping to the side of her head. Plump lips and fishnets underneath black denim shorts, her signature black combat boots making her appear taller than what she is. Her being slightly shorter in spite of that, all of it added to something that made her feel special, different from what's to be seen at this shitty school. Shauna had never noticed Natalie other than when she was mentioned at any point, but she was finally seeing her now and she wasn't against seeing more from now on. She actually hopes to see her more if anything, something she won't admit just yet out of fear that Natalie won't reciprocate. She bee lines away from the library for a second to ask Natalie if maybe she wants to go grab a bite to eat or hang out somewhere, but then she realizes they have practice after school so maybe today isn't the day for that. Instead she settles for a question that rolls off her tongue before she can overthink it.
"So, do you mind if I come with you? figured we could talk or something, whatever you want really" she practically whispers near the end.
"Yeah that sounds cool to me" Natalie replies without much thought or at least she appears calm.
They go to Natalie's signature spot which is underneath the bleachers, they say some people usually skip here but it becomes evident that it's just them sitting there as they arrive. Natalie tugs on her shorts, reaching into her pocket and grabs what appears to be a lighter, from within her leather jacket it holds for her a pack of cigarettes. She opens the pack gesturing to Shauna asking if she would like one. She shakes her head to say no and Natalie shrugs. She seems to struggle with the lighter for a second but then Shauna says something that she wasn't expecting herself to say.
"Here let me help you out" Shauna grabs the metal square, opens it with a flick of her wrist and an ember appears red, orange and yellow underneath the white ends of her cigarette. The sparks draw a flame and the smoke drifts off the cigarette. Shauna felt embarrassed, as if she herself didn't snatch the lighter and help her when she herself doesn't even really smoke. She may have tried it once during a shitty party to revel in intrigue, bask in the curiosity towards the foreign item. Though right now she kind of just wanted to understand Nat, get her view point, comprehend, get a glimpse of what she'd discern or perceived. So she asked Nat, taking back an offer because she realized she'd changed her mind again.
"Actually you mind if I?—" gesturing to the lit cigarette with her eyes, Nat got the point and directed her hand nearer to Shauna. Shauna reached for the cigarette their hands brushing as she grasped it, a flutter or nervousness embered like the end of the cigarette inside her, imitating what she had seen before and once done putting it to her mouth where Nat's lips once lingered and inhaled deep and slow then releasing when her lungs could no longer inhale anymore. The taste of tobacco was different from before, less unbearable, less disgusting to taste, and putrid to her nose. It was mixed with another flavor, what she believed to be Natalie's influence. Cigarettes and her, she understands the appeal now because if it always tasted that way then she'd become hooked, addicted to the taste and feel just as she was to the lingering of their fingers as they passed it around for each to inhale and exhale. They sucked the cigarette of its tobacco to its last bud, where Natalie then threw it to the ground beneath the bleachers, where she knew the custodians didn't care to clean, dragging her combat boot along its remnants to put it out. They began to speak, just idle conversation, once polite chit chat, then became a blur of amusement, and common ground. They both loved the same artists, and had similar ideas of fun. Natalie had laughed more than Shauna had ever heard from her, Shauna almost insisted upon hearing more, so she'd be funny anyway she could, just to see those full lips become thin as her mouth creased into a smile, a bewitching dimple, one deep enough to be seen, her face an irresistible stunning collage, her dimples being the rivers or pools of water, her eyes a geyser of grayish blue leading to the dimples like a waterfall, her dark eyebrows contradicting her light hair, being the trees or mountains that stood above the geyser that inhabit her eyes. The black makeup surrounding it highlights the color of bluish grey, only making her all the more attractive. An art piece to stare at, it is a waste that she’s wasted upon this shitty school who only mutters her faults, things she may or may not have done that she should not be blamed for. Everyone has mistakes they've made or decisions that affect them, it's unfair to glue Nat to hers. Why doesn't the same happen to those who do worse shit, why don't they get the same repercussions. It's unfair to think of the pain she's experienced, it makes Shauna want to hold her close but she knows of how Nat hates pity, what she feels isn't pity though but she knows it will be a feeling misunderstood in Nat's eyes due to past trauma and scars that have not yet healed. Shauna wants to pour rubbing alcohol onto a cloth and rub it against the wounds, then apply an antiseptic and bandages that will allow it to heal fully. She wants to hug the child inside her that she's locked away or kiss Nat on the forehead and tell her it’ll be okay, and that she has faults but so does everyone, that doesn't make her a piece of shit it just makes her human. But she of course does neither, instead they talk and enjoy themselves until the bell rings interrupting the world they'd created, composed amongst themselves.
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It's nice that for once she went a moment without thinking of Jackie, it allows Shauna to heal herself as well. She hopes Nat feels mutual, that she wishes for Shauna's company as much as Shauna wishes for hers, that when they spend time Nat heals too. What emerges is the craving she now has for it, an unsatisfied appetite to fulfill within Shauna, similarly to how she feels about Nat as of currently. Sixth period had already passed, as before they ignored the bell without realizing, they had far too good a time to care it seems. Though right now it's time for practice and they both know to go or else coach Martinez will have their asses handed to them. They'll be forced to run suicides or big mama's. They walk together still talking of what song is their favorite on an album they particularly like, walking into the locker rooms was interesting to say the least. The other teammates look at them funny.
"When did you two get so buddy buddy?" Tai is confused for the most part.
"Shut up" Natalie says, sticking out both of her middle fingers at them, lazily yet playfully. They continue where they left off, laughing as a natural blonde brunette girl enters looking rather upset. Shauna doesn't look up until she hears fiery filled footsteps that stomp towards her, the stomps are rather anticlimactic as Jackie is so thin she hardly makes sound doing so. One must blame the woman who constantly reprimands Jackie for her weight for no reason other than the pleasure bringing her daughter down brings her. Speaking of down how abut we speak of the amount of downers Mrs. Taylor takes to push away at the gaping hole in her heart that needs to be filled with something that bares itself is so evident. Shauna hasn’t seen her this angry in a while, at least not heading in her direction. The last she can remember was when she was playing with Jackie and some other girls in the sandbox of a playground, and Shauna’s head was turned away to play with the little toy car in her hand, it was blue and big, a van; she noticed a brunette who looked curious and Shauna looked at her inviting her to play. Soon after the slightly timid child beside her, with a button nose and pink cheeks, looked gleefully, as they got nearer, giggling amongst one another, the slightly blonde girl looked furiously at them. Shauna became small as Jackie began to hurl mean words, and despite how much more confident, and outspoken Shauna was when she was younger, It felt like her flame really began to die starting from that day on. The brunette had been suddenly taken back into what seemed to be her mothers arms, and Shauna’s eyes stayed locked on the girl as she left, waving her tiny hand at her, as the girl faced her, her hands wrapped around her mom, smiling and waving back. The small indent in her cheek appears and Shauna can’t help but reminisce now, with the familiar sight of an annoyed best friend and a dimple that makes it's way into the filing cabinets of her mind, replaying on a VHS tape again and again. Jackie slams the locker open pausing Shauna's VHS tape that was playing in a loop in her mind, and stares daggers into Natalie’s back. It doesn’t bother Natalie, she doesn’t seem to notice, and usually with such glances, Shauna would become antsy, frantic, attempting to mend an invisible problem, resulting in heartfelt apologies even when Shauna hasn’t done anything, and Jackie doesn’t even dive into the reasons for why she need Shauna to constantly beg for forgiveness. Yet at this time it doesn’t bother Shauna either, she has a bleached blonde standing in front of her, sharing words, gently reaching her ears, not sharp, blaring or demanding, digging into fibers of her being, like how Jackie speaks to her. A bonus being the sight, the lit rooms causing her skin to really make a scene in Shauna’s mind, her blinding skin, pale, white, beautiful, the blonde that contradicts the stormy skies, that have now calmed, like a shore or the aftermath of a rainstorm, when the world is ushered in whispers, and everything is silent other than the cool breeze that follows, and the light from the sun that gleams from the clouds, peaking through just as the light reflects off her eyes and leaves a glimmer. Her full lips looking at Shauna, she keeps glancing at them, they’re a lovely pink, a cross between the color of a bunnies pink nose, or the look as if she had just previously eaten blackberries and they left a slight hue of purplish pink that emerges on her lips. She wonders how they feel, and if they feel just how they look, soft, would they be tender on hers? She looks away briefly, her thoughts sending her into a panic, her ears feel hot again, she brushes away the thoughts to get away from whatever truth those statements hold for her and her new found friendship. She’s fucked up plenty, everything she does is fucked up except maybe her grades, so she’s not gonna fuck this up too, it’s far too soon to break everything when it hasn’t even yet begun and she doesn't even know if it will. But in the back of her mind she constantly asks the question, “but maybe it could?” who is to say, nonetheless Shauna has clearly gotten a tad distracted, immersed in the profile that is beside her.
“So, you want to do something afterwards maybe?”
“Huh?” Shauna wasn't listening too well when her mind was shrouded in the thought of a new found evolutionary development in their relationship, and when she was burning the image of Natalie into her retinas.
“Like after practice?” Nat says after a slight pause, sounding unsure, a little awkward.
“Yeah, that sounds— that’d be great.” Shauna's lips curve into a smile.
“I was thinking we could go somewhere, I’m not sure where yet but maybe we could figure it out?” Nat shrugs
"I'd love that" and Shauna truly does, a smile creeps up on her, almost never ending as It doesn't escape her every time she thinks about it during practice.
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