Archive of Our Own ^beta

At the age of ten, Riku made his first friend in a foreign country. 

Riku’s family had just recently moved to Seoul, South Korea. He transferred into a wealthy elementary school where he struggled finding ways to communicate. His teachers spoke to him in broken English, and he would respond in equally broken English. 

Riku spent his first week struggling to keep up with the other students. He doodled in the corner during free time, rolling a soccer ball around on his own during recess.

He often went home with teary eyes and a frown on his face. Instantly seeking comfort from his mother who cradled him and whispered soothing words into his ear. She promised him over and over that it would get better, and he believed her.

Every day before walking into class, he mustered up the courage to use the little Korean he knew at school, but the moment he stepped into his classroom, the room always felt smaller and the students always seemed bigger. So he tiptoed quietly to his seat and remained silent.

One day during recess, just after Riku had just turned eleven, a tall and lanky boy walked up to him. He had a short bowl cut with a bright red soccer jersey on, reminding Riku of a bright tomato. 

The boy glanced down at the soccer ball Riku was kicking back and forth between his feet. Riku pursed his lips, thinking that the boy wanted the ball but did not know how to ask him, so Riku kicked it his way.

“Here, for you,” Riku muttered, nervous about his bad Korean skills.

The boy shook his head and picked the ball up, and pointed a finger at Riku. “No, I… play…” Riku could only pick up a few words, but he instantly knew that the boy was asking to play with him.

Riku perked up at the offer. He turned around to look at their teacher, who nodded her head encouragingly. Riku faced the boy and nodded rapidly, “yes!”

The boy cheered and grabbed onto Riku’s wrist, tugging him towards the crowd of other students near the soccer nets. Upon seeing the large group, Riku tensed and dug his heels against the ground once he realized he had to play with other students. 

He had thought it would only be him and the boy.

The boy stopped his movements at the feeling of Riku resisting, and turned around with a questioning look. “What?”

“Too many… people,” he muttered. He tugged his arm again, but the boy had a tight grip on him.

“It’s okay! Play,” The boy smiled. 

The boy’s reassuring smile made him untense and he took hesitant steps towards the field. The boy smiled as Riku seemed to be more comfortable, and continued dragging him onto the field.

The boy shouted a few words at the group of students, pointing at Riku every now and then. He rushed a few more words out towards Riku, grabbed him by the shoulders, and moved him to his position in the field. Riku happily followed, and the game began.

Every day for the next week, Riku would join the boy on the field, sticking to him like glue whenever there was a time out called. 

Riku learned that the boy was named Daeyoung.

He looked for Daeyoung every morning when he stepped into class, relaxing as soon as he spotted him and would steer the opposite way to sit by himself again — too scared to talk to him outside of recess. 

One day, Riku accidentally tripped another student during their usual soccer game. “I’m so sorry!” He sputtered as he ran towards the boy rolling on the ground.

The short boy wailed as he gripped his knee, and pointed an accusing finger at Riku. “It was his fault!” 

All the other kids glared at him, accusing him of tripping the boy on purpose. Riku raised his arms defensively, not knowing the words to defend himself correctly. 

The circle of kids closed in. Their voices rose in overlapping accusations, each word sharper than the last. Riku shrank under their glares, heart pounding and tears welling in his eyes.

“Hey! Stop it!” Daeyoung pushed his way into the circle. He stood in front of Riku as he hugged the soccer ball to his chest. “Back off!” He shouted to the other students.

Riku sniffled as he watched the students listen and take a few steps back, some breaking away to go tend to the injured boy on the ground. 

“Riku said he was sorry. It was an accident,” Daeyoung explained to the other students, reaching a hand behind him to hold Riku’s hand.

The students glanced behind at Riku, all of them sporting different emotions. 

“It was an accident, right, Riku?” Daeyoung pulled Riku towards his side, their bony shoulders bumping against each other. 

Riku nodded furiously. “I’m sorry,” he apologized once more.

“It’s okay!” A girl with pigtails shouted. “Let’s just keep playing,” she pouted, annoyed that the game had been paused for so long.

All the other students agreed, dispersing from the circle. The boy he had injured earlier was back on his feet and ready to play again.

Daeyoung giggled and turned to face Riku with a beaming smile on his face. “You okay?” 

Riku wasn’t the one who got hurt, but he nodded his head softly. 

“Good! Let’s continue playing,” Daeyoung repositioned Riku back into his spot.

—

At the age of fifteen, Riku became aware of how his heart fluttered around a certain someone.

“Do you want that?” Daeyoung asked, pointing his fork at the watermelon on top of Riku’s sorbet.

“No, you can have it. It’s for you. I saved it for you,” Riku replied with a mouth full of sorbet.

The two of them had just finished a long day at school, and Riku decided to treat the two of them using his dad’s credit card at a nearby cafe. Daeyoung had already inhaled his sorbet and was now eyeing Riku’s.

“We should’ve gotten more than two,” Riku mumbled as he watched Daeyoung eat another bite of his sorbet.

“But you paid,” Daeyoung pouted.

“Technically, my dad did.” Riku patted his leather wallet on the table.

“That makes it even worse,” Daeyoung groaned, dropping his head onto the table. 

“It’s okay, you know he doesn’t mind.” Riku swatted his hand in the air, dismissing the topic. “Are you still coming over to my house?” He asked.

“Of course!” Daeyoung sat up straight. “I can’t sleepover today though, I have soccer practice early in the morning tomorrow.” 

Riku pouted. “Oh, okay.”

“Hey, don’t pout,” Daeyoung frowned. “I’ve slept over like two times this week already.”

“I know,” Riku sighed. “It’s just… my sisters left for a school retreat yesterday so I’ve been lonely.” It wasn’t a lie. His sisters did leave for a retreat the previous day, but he could stand a week without them. He just wanted another reason to have Daeyoung sleepover again. 

“Oh, right. I think you mentioned that last week,” Daeyoung replied. “But I can’t. Not today, sorry,” Daeyoung sighed. 

“It’s okay. Next week?” Riku tilted his head.

“Next week,” Daeyoung nodded. 

The two of them made their way home to Riku’s place. Bellies full of sugary sweets and backpacks heavy with overdue homework, but the only thing they talked about was which character they would get to play in Super Smash Bros .

“You were Steve the other time!” Daeyoung groaned into his hands.

“Okay, well, I want to be him again,” Riku rolled his eyes.

“That’s not fair!” Daeyoung whined.

Riku hummed, kicking a rock along the way. “What do I get in return if I let you have Steve this time?” Riku smirked.

“Um…” Daeyoung stared off into the distance in thought. “How ‘bout a kiss?” He replied cheekily, bringing his face a few mere centimeters from Riku’s cheek.

Riku froze.

His heart stuttered in his chest.

There was a moment – a beat too long – where the world seemed to quiet around them.

And in that moment, all Riku could think about was how the sunlight hit Daeyoung’s cheekbones, how warm his breath felt on his skin, how everything inside him suddenly bloomed and ached at the same time.

“What?” Riku squeaked. His neck quickly picked up heat and it traveled up to the tip of his ears. The grip he had on his backpack straps tightened.

“A kiss!” Daeyoung repeated as he unfolded his fist in front of Riku, revealing a silver droplet in his palm. 

He meant a Kiss. Like the chocolate brand.

Riku flushed even harder and whipped his head the other way, pushing Daeyoung away from him. “What the hell, man!”

Daeyoung stumbled as he released a devious cackle. “You should have seen your face!” he heaved in a big breath as he clutched his stomach.

“Ugh, whatever,” Riku groaned, shoving Daeyoung once more. He picked up his pace to be a few steps in front of Daeyoung.

“So do you want the kiss or not?” Daeyoung shouted from behind as he jogged to catch up to him.

“Yeah, why not!” Riku threw back over his shoulder, a giggle slipping out as he did so.

—

At the age of sixteen, Riku nearly missed Daeyoung’s final soccer game of the year. 

The younger had stressed how important this last one was. How their team barely managed to scrape by and make it to finals, so it was important that Riku was there to support him. Not like Riku ever missed the other ones anyways.

The bouquet Riku had planned to pick up was not done yet by the time he stopped at the local flower shop. The older lady that ran the shop apologized profusely, but Riku could only laugh and reassured her that it was okay, as she reminded him deeply of his mother. She managed to whip the bouquet up in a matter of minutes before shooing Riku out the door before he was late for his event.

To make matters worse, Riku decided to take the subway. Taking the subway should have saved him ten minutes, instead, it was running late, adding an additional fifteen minutes to his schedule. If he were to go by foot now, there would be no difference, so he sat and waited for the train. 

His phone blew up with text messages from their mutual friend Sion, who was also in attendance of Daeyoung’s game and saved a seat for Riku. Sion spammed Riku’s phone with photos of Daeyoung’s team warming up on the side of field and Riku went through them, saving the ones he liked the most.

Sion: where r u?

Riku: gonna b late. the train is running late again oops

Sion: jeez, u know how dae gets if he doesn’t see u in the crowd

Riku felt a blush rise up his neck as he read Sion’s message, and if the younger were here right now to see him, he’d tease him like no other.

Riku: lol stfu i’ll b there soon ! just save me a seat :)

Sion: way ahead of ya

Sion sent a picture along with his text. Next to Sion was an empty seat saved for Riku, and the next seat over sat Yushi who had large cutouts of Daeyoung’s face clutched in his hands. 

Riku bit his lip to hold back from laughing out loud in public from how ridiculous his friends were. They had mentioned last week that they planned on printing giant cutouts of Daeyoung’s face, but Riku really did not believe they would go through with it. The two of them were so addicted to their online video games that Riku was surprised they even came to today’s game.

The train eventually arrived, and Riku shuffled onto the train as the mass amount of people flowed around him. He made sure to check his reflection in the window. Adjusting his recently dyed hair. It was a bit of a lighter brown than he wanted it, but Daeyoung had said it suited him so he kept it as is.

Riku made it just as the teams began to shuffle out onto the field. He wiggled his way through the bleachers with the bouquet tight in his grip.

“Woah, that’s a nice bouquet,” Sion commented.

“Isn’t it?” Riku admired the flowers.

“Yeah, glad you aren’t late… like always,” Yushi slapped a hand on Riku’s back as he snickered.

“I’m not always late,” Riku rolled his eyes, placing the bouquet gently underneath the metal bench so they were safe.

“You were late to almost all his games this year. You also barely made it to halftime during his last game,” Yushi said pointedly

“I had excuses!” Riku defended himself.

“Yeah, yeah. We believe you,” Yushi waved him off teasingly. “Anyways, was he nervous for today’s match?” Yushi asked. 

Riku nodded. Daeyoung barely slept a wink last night. The evidence was all in Riku’s phone as Daeyoung blew it up with text messages throughout the night expressing his nervousness. 

Before Riku could reply, the whistle blew and the players were taking off down the field. Riku understood very little about soccer. Despite all the matches he’s been to and all the long explanations from Daeyoung, his brain could never fully comprehend the rules and regulations of the game. He knew that Daeyoung was some sort of midfielder, and that was about it. 

The first score was done by the opposing team. Their side of the stadium gloomed with heavy frustration as the bleachers across from them celebrated. Riku worriedly looked for Daeyoung, and found him standing with his hands on his hips, gnawing at his bottom lip. It was only the first point in the game and Daeyoung’s anxiety was overtaking him. 

By the time halftime reached, they were tied 2-2. Riku wasn’t the one on the field, but he could feel his heart thumping rapidly against his chest the entire first half. He had never taken a game of soccer so seriously before.

The last two minutes of the game remained a two to two tie. The second half consisted of no scores from either teams, causing both teams to look relatively stressed. Neither of them wanted to go into overtime, as the weather today was absolutely atrocious. The sun blared down heavily on them, and the heat consumed them all.

The last minute of the game consisted of the ball being kicked back and forth down the field. Riku was on the edge of his seat as the ball rolled towards Daeyoung. He swooped it up between his feet and ran it all the way towards the next. The crowd started to get louder as they realized it may be a possible goal.

Daeyoung reeled his leg back and sent the ball straight towards the net. The goalie missed by a hair, leaving the ball to land right in the net. Daeyoung fell onto his side heavily as he used all his might to kick the ball. 

The crowd erupted in cheers as the first few rows began to bleed onto the field. Riku jumped up from his seat, arms in the air as he screeched. Sion matched his energy, throwing his body into Riku’s arms as he jumped up and down.

“Holy, I didn’t think Daeyoung would take the last shot like that!” Sion screamed over the crowd.

Riku laughed. “Me neither!”

As the crowd slowly dispersed onto the field. Riku and his friends slowly mingled into the crowd to find Daeyoung. He gripped his bouquet as he stood on his toes, searching for the brunette he was so used to.

“Daeyoung! Over here!” Yushi shouted as he jumped up and down, waving a hand in the air.

“Guys!” Daeyoung pushed his way through the crowd. His eyes immediately landed on Riku, his smile seemingly getting ten times bigger. He screamed as he threw himself onto Riku, crushing the bouquet between them. 

“ Oof !” Riku almost got the wind knocked out of him.

Daeyoung’s stupid bowl cut clung to his forehead and neck. His jersey was drenched in sweat and he smelt absolutely awful, but Riku took it all in. His loser of a best friend managed to somehow win the finals for their school, and the first person he hugged was him.

He reeled back. “Riku, did you see that? Oh my god, I didn’t think I was going to score!” He wailed and drew Riku back into a tight hug.

“Uh, Dae, I think you might kill Riku,” Yushi said from the side, placing a hand on Daeyoung’s shoulder.

“Oh! Oops, sorry,” Daeyoung released Riku and took a few steps back. He raked a hand through his hair, revealing his forehead.

Riku’s eyes immediately followed the action. He lingered on Daeyoung’s forehead for a bit. Maybe for a bit too long, because Sion ended up elbowing him in the ribs to bring him back to reality.

“Here. For you,” Riku smiled as he handed the bouquet over. “It’s a bit crushed now…” He frowned at the sight.

“It’s okay! I love it,” Daeyoung beamed, taking the flowers from him. 

Another player strolled over to greet them. He was good friends with Sion and Yushi as they played video games together. With the other’s attention wrapped up with someone else, Daeyoung turned back to Riku and slung an arm over his shoulder.

“So how was I?” Daeyoung asked, full of confidence.

Riku scoffed. “You did alright. I think I liked number seven better,” he teased.

“What?” Daeyoung sagged against him. “I thought number thirteen did pretty good. He scored the last goal too,” Daeyoung pretended to ponder up in the sky. 

“Whatever,” Riku shoved Daeyoung off him.

Daeyoung laughed as he clutched his arm from where Riku pushed him. “But really, how did I do?” Daeyoung asked once more, his demeanor becoming more serious.

“You did great,” Riku smiled softly. 

Daeyoung chuckled. “That’s what I like to hear.”

—

At the age of seventeen, Riku experienced his first realization.

“Riku, check out this cute dog,” Daeyoung shoved his phone into Riku’s face.

“Ew,” Riku scrunched his face up at the ugly dog on the screen. 

“What?!” Daeyoung pulled the phone away and stared down at Riku. The pair were rotting away on Riku’s bed after class, and the Japanese male was minutes away from falling asleep before being interrupted by Daeyoung. 

Daeyoung’s face was hovering above Riku’s as he ranted about how cute the dog was, and that Riku had no taste in anything. Riku scooched over to avoid staring at his friend for too long, and pushed himself up to lean against his headboard.

“Doesn’t it look like me though? How could you hate something that looks like me?” Daeyoung sat on his knees and held the phone against his cheek, sticking his tongue out in imitation of the droopy dog on the screen.

Riku scoffed, but his chest tightened in a way he couldn’t explain. He looked away too quickly.

“I think you’re more of… a beagle.”

“A beagle?”

Riku nodded.

“But I don’t wanna be a beagle,” Daeyoung pouted. “I'm pretty sure a bigger dog represents me better,” he returned his focus to his phone in search of another breed.

“Mhmm,” Riku trained his eyes to the ceiling, thinking deeply of another breed. “Maybe a golden retriever then?” Riku suggested.

“Really?” Daeyoung perked up. His eyes wide and happy from Riku mentioning a bigger breed. Riku stifled a laugh, he could imagine fluffy golden ears popping out from the younger’s head everytime he got overly excited.

“Actually, maybe you're a beagle right now, but in the future you can be a golden retriever,” Riku teased.

“What? Why later?” Daeyoung slouched.

“Because you’re still a baby,” Riku cooed as he reached over to squish Daeyoung’s cheeks together. He did it to distract himself, anything to avoid thinking about how cute Daeyoung looked when he pouted.

“I’m not a baby,” Daeyoung mumbled as he shoved Riku’s hands away. “Besides, what do you know? You’re not even a dog person.”

“If I were to have any dog breed, it would only be a golden retriever,” Riku stated. “I would have like two cats and then a golden retriever.”

“Why? Because it would remind you of me?” Daeyoung teased.

Riku fought the urge to blush. “No… it’s just my favorite breed, s’all,” he mumbled, suddenly avoiding eye contact with the other.

“Whatever. Just admit you miss me whenever I’m not around” Daeyoung scoffed playfully and shoved Riku’s shoulder. 

“Not possible – I see you everyday already,” Riku shoved him back, maybe a little harder this time.

“You’re lying!” Daeyoung laughed as he shoved him back again.

Riku moved to stand on his bed in order to jump on the younger, but his foot got caught on his comforter and he landed directly on Daeyoung. The two rolled off the bed and crashed into the ground. Riku's chest pressed against Daeyoung’s, and for a second, he froze. His heart stuttered in his chest. 

Why did this feel so different?

Daeyoung, being the person that he was, had quickly shifted so that Riku cushioned his fall on top of him. Daeyoung took most of the force from falling, and he let out a loud groan as he shifted beneath Riku.

“Daeyoung! I’m so sorry,” Riku quickly stood up, his face bright red from just embarrassing himself like that and hurting the other.

“All good,” Daeyoung said, sounding out of breath. “Just help me up,” he reached his hand out for Riku to grab.

The moment Riku’s hand was close enough, Daeyoung gripped his hand and pulled him back down onto his chest. He threw his head back laughing as Riku let out a small scream.

Riku pushed himself up, lining his face with Daeyoung’s. “Dae! You can’t —” He stopped. His breath caught as he realized just how close they were. He could count every mole on Daeyoung’s face, trace each fluttering eyelash with his eyes.

Daeyoung wasn’t moving away. He looked entirely at ease.

Riku, on the other hand, felt like his lungs had stopped working.

“I can't do what? ” Daeyoung whispered with a smirk, inching his face closer to Riku.

Riku reeled back with a squeal and landed with a loud thud on back. He cupped his hands over his face and groaned. He heard some shuffling, and when he peeked through his fingers he could see Daeyoung’s school uniform floating above him. He peeled his hands away as Daeyoung opened his mouth to tease him once more.

A knock echoed against the door to Riku’s bedroom, causing Riku to flinch and sit up, while Daeyoung just froze in place and looked towards the door.

“Boys?” Riku’s mother gently pushed the door open. “Is everything alright in here? I heard a bunch of loud noises.” Her eyes scanned the room, before they landed on Riku who was still on the ground. “Sweetie, what are you doing on the ground?”

“I was just… stretching.”

“Oh, okay,” she drawled, not believing him. She turned her attention to Daeyoung. “Daeyoung, Honey, could you come help me grab this pot in the storage room? I usually ask my husband but he’s not home at the moment, and Riku’s never been able to grab it.”

Riku groaned. “Mom, I’ve grabbed it for you before.”

“That was with the stool, but your sister broke it the other day, so now I need Daeyoung to grab it. Come on now,” she waved towards Daeyoung and disappeared behind the door.

“A stool?” Daeyoung smirked down at him.

“Shut up. Just go help my mom,” Riku groaned for what felt like the millionth time, and waved him away.

“Do I get anything in return?”

“I’ll buy you dinner later.”

“Just for me?” Daeyoung faked a gasp and held a hand up to his chest.

“Just for you,” Riku grumbled.

Daeyoung cackled as he rushed out the door. 

Alone now, Riku flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling, his heartbeat thudding in his ears. Warmth crawled up his neck to his cheeks, and he let out a muffled groan into his palms. 

He felt like he was short-circuiting.

This wasn’t a first time experience. Riku and Daeyoung play-wrestle all the time. Over the dumbest things like food, games, and who gets shotgun, but today felt different. Daeyoung was much more playful, his teasing was out of control, and Riku wanted to ball up and die in a hole.

He rolled over onto his stomach and let out a long sigh.

Daeyoung, Daeyoung, Daeyoung.

Daeyoung with his cute eye smile. His sweet thoughtless gestures. His dumb pouts and shy little smirk.

Daeyoung, Daeyoung, Daeyoung.

Ah, Riku was so screwed.

—

At the age of eighteen, Riku learned about Daeyoung’s new girlfriend.

Within the first month into university, Daeyoung began talking to a girl in his history lecture. Riku liked to think Daeyoung’s new appeal to girls had everything to do with the makeover he’d forced on him. He was sick of seeing that same damn bowl cut everywhere he went, and the same graphic t-shirts that were too short on him now.

They were finally growing into their long limbs and out of their baby fat. Riku’s arms were toning out from volleyball, and Daeyoung was getting leaner by the day as his soccer drills became more intense.

Since they were little, Daeyoung was always busy with soccer practice. But now that Daeyoung was a division one soccer player, practice seemed to have consumed his whole life. Riku had no idea how the guy managed to balance all of that with school and his friends. 

Daeyoung was a computer science major. For what reasons? He said it seemed like fun. He didn’t really need to find a passion in a major, when all he wanted to do was go pro in soccer.

Riku was an international business major. When he was applying for colleges, he hovered his cursor over the graphics design major, contemplating whether or not he should defy his parents’ wishes. He decided against it, and chose international business instead to please his parents.

In the third month of college, Daeyoung announced he was officially taken.

“I’m dating Hyewon now, by the way.” Daeyoung said casually as he chopped up a carrot in Riku’s apartment.

Riku sat at the island table across from where Daeyoung was cooking. He was swirling around in the spinny chair when Daeyoung decided to randomly announce his relationship status. He paused, furrowing his eyebrows at his best friend. “You mean that one girl from your history class?”

“Yeah, Hyewon. You’ve met her a few times already. Don’t you remember her?” Daeyoung asked, pausing his chopping motion.

Riku pursed his lips. This weird feeling stirred in his chest. He knew exactly who she was. What kind of best friend would he be if he didn’t keep track of all the girls who have tried to talk to him. 

“Not really,” Riku muttered, tracing idle circles on the counter.

“Oh… well the three of us should hang out sometime then,” Daeyoung suggested 

Riku hummed, not wanting to fully acknowledge the suggestion. 

Daeyoung sighed, placing his knife down on the cutting board to draw his full attention to Riku. “Aren’t you happy for me? I’ve been talking to her for like months.” Daeyoung looked disappointed.

“I am happy for you,” Riku replied, but it seemed forced. He looked down at the granite table, trying his best to avoid Daeyoung’s eyes.

“I know what’s wrong,” Daeyoung stated, his mood peeking up a bit.

“Um, you do?” Riku asked hesitantly.

“Yes! You’re jealous,” Daeyoung smirked.

“J–jealous?! Of what?” Riku sputtered.

“Of me!”

“Oh,” Riku sagged. “Yes, that could be the case I suppose.”

“You need a girlfriend too,” Daeyoung pointed.

Riku threw him a look.

“boyfriend. You need a boyfriend,” Daeyoung corrected himself.

“Is it really that hard to remember that I’m not into women?” Riku muttered.

Daeyoung paused. He knitted his eyebrows together at Riku’s words.

“I’m just kidding,” Riku followed. He felt guilty asking that. Of course it was hard to remember. They’re living in South Korea for crying out loud. A country that was known for being conservative, so he couldn’t blame his friend for forgetting.

“Sorry,” Daeyoung apologized. “It’s just… you’ve never dated anybody before so I forget sometimes.” He scratched the back of his neck, awkward with the subject of homosexuality.

“It’s fine. I don’t blame you,” Riku waved it off. “I don’t really make it a main point of topic that often,” he grimaced. 

“Well, I do think you should look into dating someone. You’re eighteen now and in college. You don’t need to be worrying about your parents anymore,” Daeyoung said as he resumed chopping up the carrots.

It wasn’t his parents he was worried about. His parents both knew about his lack of interest in women already, and they were open to it. As long as Riku brought home good grades, showed an interest in their business and called every other night, then they were fine with whoever Riku wanted to date. 

“I guess you have a point,” Riku replied as he set his chin on the palm of his hand. “That doesn’t matter, I need to focus on getting my degree and then start training to take over my dad’s position.”

Daeyoung gave him a pointed look. “Riku, I think you should maybe reconsider taking over for them. I mean, they said they didn’t mind if you ended up doing other things, right?”

Riku sighed. It wasn’t that easy. Parents always say one thing and mean another. Riku also was the type to please his parents. “Dae, you know it’s not that easy for me,” he muttered.

Daeyoung furrowed his eyebrows at the sight of his best friend wallowing from the topic. “What’s your type anyways?” Daeyoung asked, transitioning the subject.

“My type?” Riku echoed. “Um… I’m not really sure. I haven’t really thought about it.”

“Come on! Don’t lie, you’ve definitely thought about it before,” Daeyoung prodded, a sly smile forming on his face.

Of course Riku had thought about it – plenty – but saying it aloud to his straight best friend felt like crossing a line neither of them had acknowledged existed. 

“I haven’t. Trust me,” Riku said. He hopped off the chair, making a beeline for the fridge. “I stocked up on those juices you like, by the way,” Riku said over his shoulder as he scanned his fridge.

“For me?” Daeyoung pretended to act flattered.

Riku rolled his eyes. “Yes, for you,” he mocked.

“You’re so generous.”

“Well, I assumed you’d be over often anyways,” Riku shrugged, shutting the fridge.

“You sure you don’t wanna have lunch with me and Hyewon sometime?” Daeyoung blurted.

Riku ran a hand through his hair, and leaned his weight onto one leg. “If I say yes, will that make you happy?” Riku tilted his head.

Please say no. Please say no.

“Yes, it would.” 

“Okay, fine. I’ll have lunch with you guys sometime.”

“Yes! How about tomorrow after our 11AM class?” Daeyoung suggested.

Riku heaved out a long breath. “Fine. That works.”

“Great, I’ll let Hyewon know tonight,” Daeyoung smiled.

“Okay. I need to pee,” Riku mumbled as he shuffled towards his bathroom.

He shut the door and pressed his back to the door. He sucked in a long breath before slowly exhaling.

He wished he’d said no.

—

At the age of twenty, Riku realized he was deeply, madly in love with his best friend.

“You’re going out again?” Riku questioned Daeyoung over the phone.

“Yeah. The boys invited me out to drink with them tonight after winning our first game of the season,” Daeyoung’s voice filtered through the phone.

Their team had just won their first game of the season last week. Riku, of course, was there to watch it. This time with Sion by his side, cheering on number thirteen. 

“You just went out like last week. Isn’t your next game in two days? Why are you going out so close to it?” Riku clipped the phone between his ear and shoulder as he folded a shirt.

“The last time I went out was before the first game, so it's been a while. I thought it would be nice to spend some more time with my teammates,’ Daeyoung said. 

“Well, I just think it would be better if you rested up for your next game, s’all.”

A short pause came from Daeyoung. “Are you upset?”

Riku’s heart nearly skipped a beat from that question. “Upset? Why would I be upset?”

“I don’t know. You seem to not want me to go out. Hyewon was fine with it.”

Riku’s mood soured.

“Well, I’m not upset. I don’t care if you go out,” he clipped.

“What’s with the sudden tone?” Daeyoung sighed, like he’d just worked a ten hour shift .

“There is no tone. Stop blaming me for random things. If you want to go out then go out. I don’t know why you need to televise these things to me,” Riku huffed.

“Jeez,” Daeyoung groaned. Riku could imagine him squeezing his eyebrows together. “You’re blowing this out of proportion. I just wanted to let you know that I would be busy tonight, so I probably won’t be answering my phone.”

“Well I don’t need to know these things. Stop acting like we’re a couple,” Riku snapped.

“Wha–what’s wrong with you? Did something happen today?” Daeyoung stressed.

“Nothing happened. Just – just have a fun night.” Riku ended the call, and set his phone on do not disturb.

He chucked his phone onto the chair beside him, flopping down onto his bed. 

Fuck .

It wasn’t that Riku was upset that Daeyoung would go out with his teammates; but he was more bothered by the fact that he was spending less and less time with him. For the past month, Daeyoung had gone out every weekend with his teammates to the bar, and during his free lunches, he spent all of them with Hyewon. That left Riku with the leftover time Daeyoung had left – if he even had any.

Riku did not mean to come off rude over the phone, but he could not help it from slipping out.
He had been feeling upset for the past few weeks about the situation already, and just when he thought Daeyoung was spending a weekend at home for a change, he was proven wrong.

Riku’s phone buzzed on the chair. He chewed on his bottom lip as he weighed between ignoring it or checking the notification. He let his urges get the best of him, and he picked up his phone.

Daeyoung: im sorry :(( lunch at ur fav place tmw?

Riku hearted the message. He was weak for his favorite Japanese restaurant (or maybe he was just weak for Daeyoung), so he had to agree. 

Riku: im sorry too

Riku: see u tmw, have fun

Daeyoung heart-ed his message in return.

When the next day rolled around, Riku could feel his palms sweat as he approached the restaurant. He wiped them down on his pants. Riku did not understand why he was feeling this way. Lunch with Daeyoung was not out of the ordinary, but maybe it was because it had been so long since it was just the two of them.

Sure, they called when they could and shared a few classes together, but it was not the same as finding time in the day to be around one another. 

The inside of the restaurant was dim and warm, reminding him of the fond memories he had during freshman year when he and Daeyoung visited the restaurant regularly. 

The owner of the place beamed upon seeing Riku. “Maeda-kun! You are so tall now. I almost thought I would never see you again,” she laughed. “I’m surprised your parents haven’t locked you up for good to run their business,” she whispered teasingly.

Riku chuckled. “I still have another two years before that happens,” Riku joked.

The owner threw her head back in laughter, slapping him on the back. “Charming as always, Maeda-kun. You guys want the usual?” She asked.

Riku nodded. “Yes, please.”

“Okay! Your friends are in the corner where you usually sit.” She pointed to the back of the building.

Riku paused at her word of choice: “friends.”

Please, don’t let it be her.

Riku turned the corner. His lips curled up as soon as he spotted Daeyoung sitting at their usual spot, but it was quickly replaced by a frown when he noticed a chair was pulled up to the side. Long, wavy hair greeted him and he wanted to turn back around and bolt out the door.

“Riku!” Daeyoung waved him over. Hyewon turned around too, sending a shy wave his way.

Riku forced a smile, making his way over towards them.

“What a surprise. I wasn’t expecting you here, Hyewon,” Riku said. He meant for it to come out casually, but instead he ended up sounding spiteful.

“Uh, yeah. I invited her, hope you don’t mind,” Daeyoung scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I don’t mind.”

“Anyways… Hyewon said she could make it to my next game. Do you mind if she tags along with you and Sion? None of her friends are really into soccer like that and she doesn’t want to go alone,” Daeyoung took Hyewon’s hand into his. It did not go unnoticed by Riku.

Riku really wanted to say no. But he couldn’t. Because that meant he was saying no to Daeyoung too, and he couldn’t do that.

“Yeah, sure. That would be fun,” Riku shrugged.

“Perfect! That works for you, right babe?” The pet name made Riku tense in his seat. 

Despite them dating for two years already, Riku did not spend much time with Hyewon. He only ever conversed with her when she was with Daeyoung. He knew very little about their relationship, and it made his skin itch knowing that Daeyoung had another person in his life to tell his secrets to.

Riku probably didn’t even get to hear all of the secrets anymore. He wouldn’t know. Those were solely saved for Hyewon now, and he hated that.

Hyewon was a sweet girl. Too sweet. She made Daeyoung happy – and that should’ve been enough. But it wasn’t. And the way Riku’s gut twisted every time she smiled proved it.

Riku watched as the two of them giggled at one another. Their hands were still clutching each other’s, and all Riku wanted to do was sink into the ground and never come back up. Daeyoung reacted so brightly to everything Hyewon said. His eyes were filled with love as he tenderly gazed at her as she spoke about her day. It’s been two years and it felt like Daeyoung had just freshly fallen in love. 

It made Riku sick to his stomach.

Riku's forced smile wavered as he sat down across from them, his eyes involuntarily glued to their intertwined hands. He clenched his fists under the table, nails digging into his palms, the sharp pain a welcome distraction from the bitter sting of jealousy coursing through him.

“So, Riku, have you been to any good concerts lately?” Hyewon’s voice was soft and tentative.

He wanted to be polite, to brush off the gnawing irritation and engage in small talk, but the sight of Daeyoung’s thumb gently stroking Hyewon’s hand made his chest tighten. “No, not really,” he muttered, barely meeting her gaze. “Been too busy.”

Daeyoung’s laughter rang out, a melody that once was his alone to enjoy. Now, it was shared with someone else, and the exclusivity of their bond felt tainted. “You should have gone with us last weekend! Hyewon found this amazing indie band. They were incredible!”

Riku’s stomach churned. “Yeah, maybe next time,” he said, though the words tasted like ashes in his mouth. He couldn’t help but wonder how many other things Daeyoung shared with Hyewon now, things that used to be just theirs.

Hyewon beamed, clearly pleased by the memory. “Oh, it was such a great night! Daeyoung even got a picture with one of them afterwards.”

Riku forced a laugh, a hollow, empty sound. “That’s cool,” he said, his voice strained. Though it wasn’t cool. Not even a little. 

Daeyoung’s phone buzzed, and he let go of Hyewon’s hand to check the message. Riku felt a twisted sense of relief at the brief separation. “Sorry, it’s just my mom,” Daeyoung said, pocketing his phone and reaching for Hyewon’s hand again.

Riku swallowed hard, trying to keep his voice steady. “So, Hyewon, do you like soccer, or are you just going to support Daeyoung?”

“Oh, I love it! I used to play in high school,” she said enthusiastically. “I’m really looking forward to the game.”

Of course you did, Riku thought bitterly. You’re perfect, aren’t you?

“Great,” he said aloud, his smile tight. “I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”

Daeyoung glanced at Riku, a hint of concern in his eyes. “You okay, man? You seem a bit off today.”

“Just tired,” Riku lied. “Didn’t sleep well last night.”

Daeyoung’s brow furrowed. “You should take it easy, then. You still have classes for today, right?”

Riku nodded, unable to voice the turmoil within. He felt like an outsider, a third wheel in what used to be his closest friendship. The bitterness and jealousy festered, making every moment of their interaction feel like a dagger twisting in his heart. He knew he should be happy for Daeyoung, but all he felt was an overwhelming sense of loss and longing.

As they continued talking, Riku's mind drifted to memories of just the two of them. Late-night study sessions, shared secrets, and inside jokes that no one else understood. Now, those moments were diluted, shared with someone else. 

Someone who wasn’t him.

Riku watched them, his heart aching with a painful clarity. Daeyoung was in love, truly and deeply, and Riku was no longer the most important person in his life. The realization was a bitter pill to swallow, and Riku didn’t know how much longer he could keep pretending that everything was fine.

—

At the age of twenty-one, Riku watched Daeyoung experience his first heartbreak.

“We broke up.”

“What?” Riku straightened against the door frame, but caught himself. He didn’t want to come off too happy. “Why?”

“She’s leaving the country to study abroad,” Daeyoung whispered. He stared blankly at the ground. He was bundled in his beige parka, the fur of the hood barely revealed his eyes. “And she said that she couldn’t do long distance, so she broke it off.”

Riku had been eating dinner when a knock came from his front door. It was past 11PM, so he was on edge from the sound. He looked through the peephole only to recognize the figure, and pulled the door open.

Daeyoung looked at him with bloodshot eyes. His hair was still wet from showering, his pajama pants were thin, and he had on slippers despite there being a winter storm warning outside.

Riku grabbed Daeyoung by the wrist, pulling him inside. Daeyoung stood motionless by the entrance, like a little kid who had drained all his energy playing outside. Riku unzipped his parka and hung it up in his closet, and ushered the younger to slip off his soaking slippers. Daeyoung complied, not a sound came out of him. 

Riku could not deny that he had been waiting for this day. The day that Daeyoung and Hyewon were to break up. But he did not mentally prepare himself to witness his best friend experience his first heartbreak.

Riku’s fingers played with Daeyoung’s, before he dragged him in for a tight hug. Daeyoung was tense in his arms. Riku tangled his fingers into his hair, gripping it and shoving his face against his neck. Daeyoung’s hot breath hitched against his neck.

Moments later, tears began to hit Riku’s skin. He tightened his hold, Daeyoung doing the same. As the tears streamed, small hiccups followed and soon after. The two remained frozen in time by the entrance as Riku felt his own heart crush from seeing Daeyoung in this state. Daeyoung was sobbing into Riku’s shoulder, and eventually, heart wrenching sobs fell out of his lips.

Wet, snotty sobs echoed through the apartment. All Riku could do was hold him tighter. He wasn’t the emotional type, though Daeyoung did cry often, it was usually over small things like cute animals or sad movies. This was different. Riku could feel the heartache and sadness ooze off of his best friend. 

A random sob caused Daeyoung’s breath to hitch, and his arms fell to his side. He pressed his forehead into Riku’s shoulder as he struggled to inhale another breath. “Hey, hey, slow down. I’m right here,” Riku whispered.

Riku could feel Daeyoung nod against him, but the ragged breaths were still there. He brought his up to fist Riku’s t-shirt, taking in shallow breaths. “I–” Daeyoung tried to speak, but he could barely get a word out.

Riku shushed him. “Don’t try to speak until you have your breathing under control.” Riku peeled Daeyoung’s head off his shoulder, holding each cheek in the palm of his hand.

Daeyoung whined, trying his best to push Riku away to hide back in his shoulder but Riku refused. 

He picked apart the pain in Daeyoung’s eyes and dropped his head down with a sigh. He gently guided them over to the couch, allowing Daeyoung to sink down against the arm rest. His sobs had now simmered down to sniffles and hiccups as he stared emotionlessly across the room.

He gave Daeyoung’s leg a tight squeeze before he headed over to the kitchen to prepare a hot cup of tea. He grabbed a thin blanket from his room and gently draped it over Daeyoung’s long legs.

Riku held the tea a few inches from Daeyoung’s face. “Here. For you.”

Daeyoung muttered a small thank you, accepting the tea. He cupped it tightly in his palms, huddling it closer to him as a heat source but made no effort to drink from it.

“Riku?” Daeyoung whispered.

Riku hummed in acknowledgement.

“Can I stay here for the weekend?” Daeyoung’s voice was so, so soft. 

Daeyoung never asked to stay over. He always did it without question. Between the two of them, it was mutual when the other wanted to stay over for the night.

You know you don’t have to ask. Was what Riku wanted to reply with, but instead he simply responded with, “of course.”

—

At the age of twenty-two, Riku received the worst news of his life.

“Riku! Honey, are you alright?” His mother rushed through the bathroom doors, where he was slumped over the toilet seat.

“I think so. Just felt dizzy for a second,” Riku gripped the toilet seat and tried to haul himself up, but his legs gave out and he slumped back down.

“Oh gosh,” his mother’s voice wavered with panic as she rushed to his side. “This is the third time this week – and the past few weeks have been the same. I’ve thrown out everything in the fridge twice already, thinking food went bad. We’re going to the hospital tomorrow. No arguments.”

Riku wanted to decline, but all the energy was stripped from him and all he could do was nod in return.

“Kaito, help me out in the bathroom!” His mother called over the shoulder for his father.

Eventually, his parents managed to change his clothes and lay him down in bed, tucking him in gently. “We head straight to the hospital tomorrow morning,” his mother said sternly.

Riku hummed weakly in reply, his eyelids heavy from fatigue. 

He felt gentle lips brush against his forehead before the lights in his room flicked off and he was left to his own fuzzy thoughts.

“What do we do? This has been going on for weeks,” his mom’s soft voice resonated from outside his door.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, Honey. Let’s just wait and see what the doctor says tomorrow, okay?” His father tried his best to comfort.

“But he’s gotten so skinny. What if…” His mom’s voice faded as she walked further down the hallway, away from his door.

Riku didn’t get time to process anything that just happened, before his brain shut off and he was drawn into slumberland.

The initial hospital visit consisted of going over all the symptom’s Riku’s been experiencing for the past few weeks. A brief family medical review followed. An immediate blood test was done, and Riku was sent home to wait for the results. 

His days continued on like nothing happened. He had gone back to his apartment near campus  to wait it out. His cheeks were visibly sunken, and the pain in his back grew sharper with each passing day. But whenever Daeyoung visited, the pain seemed to vanish, if only for a little while.

Eventually, the results came back, and Riku was asked to return to the hospital. As an adult, he chose to handle the tests on his own, without his parents’ knowledge. With the end of the quarter looming, his parents were growing more stressed each day from work.

The second visit consisted of a CT scan and more blood tests. Riku’s suspicion began to grow. Luckily, being in a high standing family, Riku got to see his results quickly. The nurse had brought him back to a cozy room in the back, and he nervously tapped his foot waiting for the doctor to arrive.

The doctor was nice. He was different from Riku’s main provider, but he was gentle and reassuring nonetheless.

“Riku, Regarding your scans. There is something concerning we see on the scans — possibly a mass.” A slight pause was left for Riku to ask any questions, but none came. “We need further testing to understand what it is. We will need to schedule a biopsy right away. Due to your family’s status, we are able to get you in right now – if you would like, or else we can schedule further out based on your preference.”

In a flash, Riku’s life was turned upside down.

The doctor’s words hit him like a cold wave. Riku blinked, trying to wrap his mind around it. A mass. Cancer. He thought about the pain in his back, the weakness in his legs, the way his body had betrayed him. Everything made sense now, but that didn’t make it any easier to bear.

The office was cold and stiff when he was told the news, and all he could do was nod robotically. 

With treatment, he was given just over a year to live. 

How hopeful.

Riku had so much left to do. He wanted to watch his sisters get married. He wanted to be there when Daeyoung achieved his lifetime goal of making a premier soccer team. He just – wanted to be there. 

To be alive.

His parents’ had an expected reaction. He visited the following day of his diagnosis, and sat them down at their marble dining table. He explained all his visits and how he hid them from them. He explained how the doctor was weary at first, but when the diagnosis was confirmed things changed.

“I – I have cancer.”

His mother’s breath hitched in her chest before the tears came. She crumpled into her arms, sobbing, her body shaking with grief. Riku’s father, usually so steady, sat frozen, staring at him, his hands instinctively reaching out to his wife but unable to move toward Riku. The silence in the room was suffocating, but all Riku could hear was his mother’s sobs, echoing like a hollow sound in his chest.

Riku’s older sisters rushed in from all the commotion, finding out the same way as their parents. The Maeda family had never faced such difficulty before. They had been blessed with fortune and wealth. Three beautiful kids. The life to live how they want. Why now were they experiencing such misfortune? Why their only son and youngest? Why must he face such difficulties?

Riku stood, his body trembling, the words he’d just spoken still ringing in his ears. His father’s silent gaze weighed on him, but it was his mother’s tears that broke him. Yet, he couldn’t stay. Not now. Not in the face of their grief. He had to leave, to get away, to breathe. His feet moved without him thinking, and the cold air hit him like a slap in the face as he dashed out the door.

His phone buzzed in his back pocket, and he already knew who was texting him. He unlocked it to see Daeyoung spamming him with new messages.

Daeyoung: *insert picture* last day of practice for the year, and its gonna rain on us soon :( 

Riku rested his chin on his knees as his thumbs hovered over his keyboard, hesitant to reply. After contemplating for a while, Riku released a loud sigh and pocketed his phone. He got up from his spot, dusting off his pants before making his way back to his car, preparing himself for the quiet drive back to his apartment.

A week. 

That’s how long Riku was going to give himself before he had to tell Daeyoung. Hiding something this big from Daeyoung ate away at his consciousness. He was lucky Daeyoung had been so busy with practice the past few weeks to truly be skeptical of Riku’s odd visits to the hospital.

A few hours after Riku returned home, he received a follow-up message.

Daeyoung : riku????? where r uuuuuu

Riku chewed the inside of his cheek as he stared down at the message. He had not forgotten to reply, he simply just couldn’t bring himself to do so. After a while, Riku began to type.

Riku: im alive lol just busy doin sum things for my parents

Daeyoung: ohh >< i miss u, sorry i havent been able to come over often

Daeyoung: after this practice the boys planned a small retreat to celebrate. ill be gone for four days, afterwards ill treat u to dinner :p 

Daeyoung: also, i wont have service there cause they wanted to camp TT

Riku: dinner??? where???

Daeyoung: anywhere u want. u choose. i can pick u up friday then?

Riku: u promise?

Daeyoung: promise

Riku: ill see u on friday then :) 

Daeyoung hearted his message in return. Okay, so maybe he had a little less than a week to prepare himself. He might as well just tell Daeyoung at their dinner.

As the next four days passed, Riku continued on like normal. He went to class, returned back to his apartment to wallow away, and studied away to avoid thinking about his inevitable death.

His parents visited every other day, not wanting him to use all his energy to travel to their place. His mother still struggled to her tears back every time she saw him, and his father could only sit on his couch and stare longingly at him. His mother brought an overflowing amount of food over with each visit, filling Riku’s fridge to the brim. His symptoms had dwindled slightly, but they were bound to return. It was a cycle.

They had agreed to begin scheduling treatment after Riku tells Daeyoung about his diagnosis. Riku didn’t want the stress and fatigue of treatment to affect him before he got to tell his best friend. 

When did things get so complicated?

On Thursday, Riku stared at his own reflection in the mirror, inspecting his gaunt face. He tried his best to eat the things his mother brought for him, but it was hard to digest anything at this point. He wasn’t sure if it was due to his anxiety from having to see Daeyoung soon or just from his illness.

He went to bed with an empty stomach that night.

Daeyoung picked Riku up at 6pm sharp. Usually it was Riku driving since he had the better car, but Daeyoung insisted that he would drive this time around. The car ride was filled with Daeyoung rambling about his last couple days of practice and the retreat. Turns out, camping was not his forte and he would probably never agree to go camping again. The team struggled to light a campfire every night, a bear ate half their food the first day, and one of Daeyoung’s teammates sprained his ankle while hiking – luckily, soccer season was over.

Riku had opted for a casual bbq place near the edge of the city. Daeyoung cheered at his choice, always craving meat – a typical athlete.

Throughout their meal, Riku was half absent from their conversation. His mind kept wandering to the inevitable, and his palms were beginning to sweat like crazy. 

Daeyoung noticed Riku’s odd mood the moment he stepped into the car. He was less cheery and barely asked any questions, Riku always asked questions.

Daeyoung eyed the Japanese male as he played with the rice in his bowl. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Daeyoung asked softly. He lowered his head to meet Riku’s line of sight.

Riku paused before releasing a sigh and plastered a smile on his face. “It’s nothing. I just missed you, that’s all. Didn’t it rain while you guys were camping?” Riku rested his chin on the palm of his hand, trying to change the subject.

Daeyoung’s eyes lit up at the mention of that event. He stifled a laugh before diving into his extremely detailed story. Riku watched as the younger’s eyes crinkled when he laughed, and how his hair fell as he moved around. Daeyoung’s deep soothing voice nearly put Riku to sleep, he just wanted to wrap himself in a blanket as he rambled on.

“Oh, and guess what!” Daeyoung gripped the table excitedly as he cut off his story.

“What?”

“I wanted to tell you this in-person, it’s been so hard to not tell you over the phone, but I got scouted for a trial opportunity,” Daeyoung grinned.

Riku’s eyes widened, “no way… like scouted, scouted ? Like they reached out to you personally and everything?”

Daeyoung nodded his head fiercely. “I was called into Coach’s office on the last day of practice and I met the scout there. I nearly fell to my knees at the sight of him.”

Riku’s heart ached as Daeyoung’s words sank in. This was everything Daeyoung had worked for, a dream come true. But it also meant he’d be leaving – leaving Riku behind. The thought of it twisted something inside Riku, but he forced a smile, trying to mask his feelings. He couldn’t stand in Daeyoung’s way. This was what Daeyoung deserved.

“Dae, this is amazing,” Riku breathed, astonished. It was rare for scouts to offer such opportunities to university students, usually they focus more on the K-league, but Daeyoung was born for this. “I–I can’t believe this. So what’s next? When do you start?”

“I start three months after graduation. But the thing is…” Daeyoung scrunched his face up like it hurt to say it.

Riku gave him a look.

“It’s in Europe.”

Riku’s jaw almost hit the table. “Europe?” He echoed in disbelief.

Daeyoung nodded with a tense smile. “Yeah, that’s the thing, so I’m not sure if I’m going to accept it or not,” he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

Riku snapped his eyes up. “What? How could you not accept it? This is a one in a lifetime opportunity, Dae. You have to accept it.” It hurt Riku to say it. It was almost as if he was telling Daeyoung to leave him. But it would’ve hurt him even more to see Daeyoung give up on his dreams without a fight.

“But what about you? What about my family? And all my friends?” Daeyoung pressed his palms against his eyes. 

He’s always been the sensitive one. 

“We graduate in three months, Riku. Then I get three more before I just pack up and leave.”

“Dae,” Riku placed his hand on Daeyoung’s arm. “I want you to go. Your family would want you to go. All your friends know that you were meant for the bigger leagues. This is your chance.”

Daeyoung sniffled. Moving his hands to reveal his red eyes. “I’ll have to think about it still,” he croaked.

“You’re going to accept it,” Riku stated firmly. 

Daeyoung tightened his lips, but nodded softly. He could not deny that this has been his lifelong dream. He would have to be crazy to reject an offer like this. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick,” Daeyoung mumbled and excused himself.

Riku let out a long breath as he watched Daeyoung turn a corner. 

He wanted to laugh. 

Things never go his way.

—

At the age of twenty-two, Riku decided to change the trajectory of his life.

Graduation came with ease. Spring rolled in with the scent of fresh blossoms and the buzz of camera shutters clicking around the stadium. As Riku walked across the stage, diploma in hand, he felt an odd emptiness settle in his chest. 

He glanced at Daeyoung, catching a glimpse of bright wide eyes and a beaming smile as he tossed his cap into the air. Riku smiled softly. The future stretched endlessly ahead for Daeyoung. For Riku, it was foggier — carved out in hospital visits and white paper bags filled with pills.

Still, today was about them. About making it. So he smiled wide and threw himself into Daeyoung’s embrace, cherishing the last of what he could get.

Following suit, Daeyoung was months away from moving to England, and Riku was rolling through his rounds of chemotherapy. Since Riku was in mostly good physical condition, he only had to visit the hospital once every two weeks. Although the treatment took a toll on his body, Riku managed to mask it well in front of Daeyoung.

Riku had yet to tell Daeyoung anything. His parents, to say the least, were disappointed with his decision but ultimately could not do much about it. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it. If Daeyoung were to find out, no doubt he would drop his offer to stay in Korea. Riku wouldn’t have that.

“When do you plan on leaving?” Riku asked as he swirled the straw in his drink around. They were sitting across from each other at a nearby cafe, still sporting their graduation gowns.

“I think I’ll leave a month earlier than planned. I want to get situated over there before I’m thrown into practice,” Daeyoung replied. 

The graduation gown made Daeyoung look older. The little boy Riku met on the playground has grown into a strong fine man. 

“I have a proposal for you,” Riku blurted.

Daeyoung raises an eyebrow in return. “What is it?” He asked skeptically.

“Let me come with you to England.”

Daeyoung blinked at him, startled.

“Just for a few months,” Riku added quickly, heart pounding. “Not forever, but… now that I’ve graduated that means I need to start preparing to take over my dad’s position. I just want to travel a bit before I commit,” Riku bit his tongue hard after lying like that.

The lie stung. It didn’t taste like guilt yet, just copper and fear. Riku dropped his gaze to the melting ice in his drink. He could feel Daeyoung’s eyes widen on him — always searching him, always reading him.

“Riku, what do you want me to say?” Daeyoung titled his head, a glimmer in his eyes. Riku could see the wheels turning in his head getting ready to tease him.

“Yes?” Riku squeaked.

“You sure?” Daeyoung asked.

Riku nodded, the smile barely holding. It felt like a lie, but he couldn’t bring himself to back down now. “Yeah. I want to go. With you. Be there for you,”

Daeyoung’s body relaxed. “Yes,” he confirmed. “You think I could ever say no to you? Besides, I think I’ll need you by my side the first few months there.”

Riku grinned. The ache in his back suddenly disappeared and the hunger in his stomach was slowly coming back. The past few months had been so exhausting, but being able to bask in Daeyoung’s presence again made everything seem fine for just a moment.

“I’ve missed you,” Riku said softly. He glanced down the grill between them, feeling shy.

“I’ve missed you too,” Daeyoung replied, a soft smile on his face.

And just like that, it was sealed.

The day of the move arrived faster than Riku anticipated. Suitcases by the door. Tickets printed. One last breakfast together at their favorite cafe.

“You packed your charger, right?” Riku asked.

“Yes, Mom,” Daeyoung teased, nudging his side.

Riku smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Outside the cab window, the streets of Seoul blurred into one picture. It was loud, busy, and alive. He pressed his fingers against the window wondering if this would be his last time seeing his home in the spring.

He couldn’t afford to say it out loud. Not yet, maybe not ever.

They had shipped all their stuff to England already. Daeyoung originally was placed in a smaller apartment further from his practice field, but Riku insisted on getting a bigger place closer for the younger. With the help of his family’s connections, Riku managed to secure a place without much effort.

As for his parents, they couldn’t do much to stop him. Riku was firm about this decision, and his parents didn’t have the heart to say no to their precious son with a shortened lifespan. They ultimately agreed, and aided him with the planning — continuing treatment over there, setting up connections, and marking places that would satisfy their food cravings.

The symptoms from his treatment rolled through him in a cycle. There were days he could barely get out of bed, and days where he could inhale a whole buffet just to throw it all back up. The only good thing so far was that his hair remained the same — the doctors suggested it was a genetic thing. 

“Are you ready for a gloomy sky and fish and chips every day?”

Daeyoung laughed. “Only if you’re with me.”

As expected, England was cold and gloomy. 

Riku spent his first few days inside their new flat, dragging furniture into place, curling up in blankets during rainy afternoons, pretending not to notice the pain in his back and how cold his fingers were even under the heater.

Daeyoung rose early, came home late, he always smelled of grass, his hair was always wet due to sweat or rain. He talked a mile a minute about drills, other Korean teammates, and how his English was improving fast. Riku listened, but felt like he was fading into the walls, like he was becoming part of the background noise of Daeyoung’s life.

They fell into a routine quickly. Dinner was their ritual.

Riku always waited, no matter how nauseous he felt, how heavy his body was. He needed the sound of Daeyoung’s voice to steady him. Ground him.

“You look tired,” Daeyoung said one night.

“Jet lag,” Riku lied. He smiles through it.

“Your sister called me the other day, said you weren’t picking up her calls. She asked how your recent hospital visit went? Was it just a check-up?” Daeyoung tilted his head innocently, not a clue in his mind.

Riku froze. His eyes went wide, before he quickly recomposed himself. His sister must have slipped up, his family knew better than to get Daeyoung involved. He should respond to her calls more often now.

“Yeah. Just a quick check-up,” Riku shrugged.

“Everything okay then?” 

“Yeah. Never been better,” Riku beamed. Guilt was becoming more apparent in his life now. Maybe this guilt would kill him before his cancer could.

Daeyoung hummed in reply. “Wanna watch a movie together tonight?” 

Riku perked up. “Can I choose?”

Daeyoung rolled his eyes playfully. “You always do.”

Riku cheered.

They ended up watching one of Riku’s favorite animations, bundled up under a blanket together. Shoulders brushing against one another. Daeyoung’s shampoo was wafting through the air, lulling Riku closer to sleep.

Daeyoung shifted, drawing Riku’s legs over his lap. His hands brushed Riku’s bare feet. “So cold,” he muttered. Riku’s hands and feet have been cold for a long time – a common side effect from the treatment. 

Riku let himself relax and welcomed the slumber.

The days in England grew longer. Or maybe it just felt that way when Riku spent most of his days alone. 

Daeyoung had found his rhythm – morning practices, English classes, spontaneous dinners with his roommates. Riku had somehow become part of the background noise in their flat: the quiet flickering of the lamp, the rustling of blankets, the cough Riku stifled into his pillow every night. 

“I’m just tired,” he would say when Daeyoung asked. “Jetlag again, I guess.” But how could jet lag still be affecting him when it's been weeks since they’ve settled in England? It wasn't jet lag. It was the ache in his bones that had gotten worse. The nausea that lingered in the middle of his chest. They way his hands were never still anymore, tremors taking over. 

Still he smiled. Always smiled.

Daeyoung came home every night, whether he ate dinner with Riku or not, with a big smile on his face. The fears he once had about moving halfway across the planet had been diminished, now he was surrounded by supportive teammates, he knew his way around, life was blending together.

Riku couldn’t bear to take that away from him. One complaint from Riku and Daeyoung would not hesitate to skip a day of practice to stay home with him, keeping him company. Daeyoung had suggested he go hit the clubs or join him during his team dinners, but Riku didn’t have the energy for that anymore. He simply declined, reassuring the younger that he would rather be at home, embracing the vacation he had before he needed to go back home.

Riku was happy, or at least he told himself he was. He was happy that Daeyoung got to chase his dreams. He was happy cheering him on in the background. He was happy getting to live his last moments with Daeyoung.

And that’s all that mattered.

However, the bliss didn’t last for long.

The first time Daeyoung came home past midnight, Riku didn’t think much of it.

“Sorry,” Daeyoung whispered, kicking off his shoes and tossing his jacket onto the couch. “Leewon dragged me out for drinks with the team. Didn’t think it would run this late.”

Riku blinked from where he lay curled up on the couch, half-awake, a thin blanket tangled around his body. He nodded, “it’s okay.”

The scent of alcohol wafted into the room as Daeyoung got closer. Riku resisted the urge to gag, feeling sensitive from being awoken so abruptly.  

“You didn’t have to wait up, you know.”

“I wasn’t. Just couldn’t sleep.” He lied. He was waiting. Unsure whether it was too much to send a text asking where the other was and if he was okay – that it would come off as too overbearing. Riku was here to support him and provide comfort, not doubt him and baby him.

They didn’t speak after that. Daeyoung let out a long sigh, scrubbing his hair. He disappeared to go brush his teeth. Riku flopped onto his back, staring at the ceiling. Something about the cold in the room didn’t fade – even after he slipped into the comfort of his own bed.

He could hear Daeyoung’s snores through the walls, giving him a small comfort now that he knew there was another warm body in the house. 

After the fourth week, Riku’s mornings were spent half-curled up on the bathroom floor, willing his stomach to settle. He could hear Daeyoung rustling around for his stuff, before the front door clicked shut – he was off to training. Riku then dragged himself into the kitchen for water and his medicine. 

He flipped through a few channels on the television, before settling on a random show to keep him occupied.

Two males sat shoulder to shoulder with one another at a dimly lit bar. 

“Do you regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“Not confessing to her when you had the chance.”

“If I say yes, would that change anything?”

His friend sighed. “If you had confessed, I think we both wouldn’t be here right now.”

Riku switched the television off. He spent the rest of the day reading instead.

Daeyoung began to notice. “You look pale,” he said one night over dinner. The first dinner they had together in a couple of days. 

“Probably just a cold.”

“You’ve had that cold for a while,” Daeyoung shot back without a second thought.

Riku forced a smile. “Must be the weather here then I guess.”

He changed the subject before Daeyoug could ask again. 

The following day, Riku spent the entire day cooking, mustering up all of the energy he had left to do so. He felt bad for lying to Daeyoung the day before, he could tell the younger one was beginning to grow suspicious of him. He wanted to surprise Daeyoung – maybe remind him of the times they hung out at his house until sunset, eating the meals his mother made.

When Daeyoung walked through the door, the table was set, the food was steaming, and Riku’s stomach was rumbling from the nostalgic meal.

“Woah.” he said, startled. “What’s the occasion?” He dropped his bag to the floor, stepping closer towards the table. “Smells yummy.”

“Nothing. Just wanted to try the stew recipe that your mom sent me the other day,” Riku tried to hide his smile as he watched Daeyoung’s face light up at the mention of his mother.

Daeyoung smiled, but there was a flicker of hesitation. “Ah… actually, the team’s throwing a surprise dinner for Taejin’s birthday tonight. I told them I would swing by, but I won’t be long.” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

Riku’s hands, still holding a ladle, began to tremble. “Oh,” was all he could say. He turned his back to Daeyoung, facing the pot of stew, pretending to fiddle with it. “Of course, no worries. I can warm this up again later if you’re still hungry.” His voice wavered and tears stung his eyes, but he remained stiff.

“You’re not mad?” Daeyoung asked carefully.

“Why would I be?” Riku chuckled pathetically. He had no right to be mad. He had barged into Daeyoung’s life, dragging his own mess with him. He had no right to be mad. “Have fun,” he said a little too fast.

“I’ll be back before midnight, alright?” Riku could hear Daeyoung picking up his bag again.

Riku hummed in reply, back still turned. The door clicked shut minutes later. His legs weakened underneath him and he caught himself on the counter just in time. He let out a dry sob, no tears, just loud heaves and sobs.

Riku ate alone that night, the only noise to comfort him was the sound of the AC humming in the back.

—

At the age of twenty-two, Riku made up his mind.

Daeyoung came home earlier than usual.

He found Riku lying unconscious on the bathroom floor, a damp towel pressed to his forehead. It seemed as though he had collapsed there without realizing it. “Riku?” Daeyoung crouched down, gently shaking the Japanese male.

Riku stirred, his body was slow to respond. “M’fine,” he muttered with his eyes shut, voice hoarse.

"You’re not," Daeyoung snapped, his voice tinged with panic. "What the hell? Why didn’t you call me?" He yanked the towel away, pressing his palm against Riku’s forehead to check his temperature.

“Didn’t want to ruin your night.” 

Daeyoung expected the older to be hot to the touch, except he wasn’t. He was cold to the bone. Daeyoung rubbed his hands up and down Riku’s arms and legs – all cold. “This isn’t just a cold, is it?” He whispered.

Riku remained silent. Tired of lying. Instead he turned his head and stared at the tile on the wall.

“We should get you to a doctor. I know one really –”

“I’ve already been,” Riku muttered. “I go every other week.”

Daeyoung paused. “What?” He asked in disbelief.

Riku sighed, rolling onto his side to push himself up onto his arms. “Just drop it,” Riku said, suddenly cold and distant. “Please. Just… let’s not do this tonight.”

Riku wobbled onto his feet, limping back to his room, but not before snatching the bright orange pill bottle on his bathroom counter.

Daeyoung watched his every move like a hawk. He made no movements to chase after Riku, and Riku couldn’t tell if he was grateful for that or not.

Riku did not sleep that night.

The anxiety of what he would have to face the next day ate away at him.

The sun began to rise as Riku was still shuffling around in his bed, so he picked himself up and curled up on the couch, the television casted flickering shadows on his face as he mindlessly paid attention.

Riku flinched when a sudden creak echoed into the empty room. The floorboards screeched from Daeyoung’s weight. 

“You didn’t tell me,” Daeyoung said quietly from behind him.

“I didn’t think I had to,” he replied without looking at him. 

Daeyoung stepped closer. “You’ve been going to chemotherapy alone. You’ve been sick for weeks. You let me walk out every night while you were–”

“What did you want me to do?” Riku snapped. “Guilt you into staying?”

“It’s not about guilt! It’s about trust!”

“I do trust you. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

Daeyoung groaned in frustration. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

Riku remained silent.

Daeyoung stepped closer, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “You should’ve said something, Riku. I can’t believe you kept this from me.”

“And then what? You cancel your contract? We fly back home for you to waste your life away, knowing that you had one foot through the door? I can’t have you wasting your time, worrying about if I’ll wake up tomorrow.”

“Don’t say that!” Daeyoung snapped. “Don’t say – don’t say that there’s a day you’re not gonna wake up. Because you’re going to get better, right? You’re strong, Riku. You can and you will get better.”

Oh, Daeyoung. 

Riku’s eyes softened. The silence was enough to answer him.

“You’re not getting better, are you?” Daeyoung asked, barely above a whisper. His eyes dropped to their feet.

“That’s not the point,” Riku got up from his spot, unsteady, turning to face the taller. “You’ve already made a life here, Dae. Friends, teammates, late nights out – I’m just… something you come home too. Someone to take care of the house for you.”

“That’s not fair,” Daeyoung exasperated.

“No,” Riku laughed bitterly. “What’s not fair is watching you become someone I don’t recognize anymore.”

Daeyoung’s eyes snapped to meet Riku’s. A sheer silence engulfed them. Riku unclenched and clenched his fists by his side.

“You know – you know I’d give it all up for you,” Daeyoung broke the silence, voice low.

“I know, and that’s why I couldn’t tell you.” He paused, his voice faltering. "And this isn’t fair, Dae. None of this is fair. Not the lies, not the nights I spend alone, but especially not..." Riku’s words trailed off. Then, like tearing off a overworn bandaid –

"It’s not fair that I’m in love with you," Riku said softly, his voice breaking with the weight of his words.

Daeyoung blinked, his mouth hanging in disbelief. “What?” He whispered in disbelief.

Riku cursed Daeyoung quietly for making him repeat it. “I’m in love with you. And I think I have been for a long time. I always have, since we were kids. Since the day you invited me to your first soccer game, since the day we had our first sleepover, since the day on the bed when you pulled me down and laughed like nothing else in the world matters. I alway have.”

Daeyoung stared at him, stunned.

“But we’re not those boys anymore,” Riku whispered, shoulders slouching. “And I don’t think you feel the same.”

Daeyoung didn’t respond right away. His silence said more than words could.

“Thank you,” Riku swallowed the lump in his throat. His nose burned. “For letting me come here with you. For being with me all this time. But I think… I need to go home now.”

The sound of the wind was the only thing that filled the silence between them.

Riku held Daeyoung’s gaze for a moment. His eyes were reassuring and soft, while Daeyoung remained rigid and unreadable.

Daeyoung didn’t stop him as he turned his back, and locked himself back into his room. 

—

At the age of twenty-two, Daeyoung finally understood that everything he’d ever needed had been right in front of him all along.

The next morning, Riku was already gone.

A single folded piece of paper lay on the kitchen table, its edges creased with care. Riku’s handwriting was neat, deliberate, each word carefully chosen as if rewritten countless times before being set to paper.

Daeyoung,

Don’t hate me. I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to you in person.

Take care of yourself. 

Eat well. 

Don’t stay out so late anymore now that I can’t wait for you by the door anymore.

You’ll be more than brilliant, I already know it. 

– R.

Daeyoung stared at the letter for a long, long time.

Daeyoung didn’t move. The letter trembled in his hands.

His chair scraped quietly against the floor as he sat down – slowly, like if he moved too fast, he’d miss something. Miss a piece of Riku still left behind.

And then, as if the weight of everything finally shattered him, he broke.

He bent over the table, pressing the heel of his hand to his chest, trying to ease the way it ached like something was being torn out of him.

Tears slid down his face silently at first, until the sobs came – raw, hoarse, helpless. The kind that didn’t stop once they started. The kind that made it hard to breathe.

Because now, in the quiet aftermath, he finally understood.

Riku hadn’t just walked away.

He had let go – quietly, gently, completely.

And Daeyoung hadn’t even noticed he was holding on until it was too late.

It had been a week since Riku left. 

A week of silence. 

A week of pretending like nothing had happened. 

A week of trying his best at practice, but still failing to keep up.

That morning, a text from Riku’s older sister lit up his phone.

Ririka: dae. he collapsed yesterday. hes in the hospital now, they say the treatment isn’t working anymore. stage 4, and its aggressive. 

Ririka: we didnt know anything either.

Ririka: he told me not to text you but i think u deserve to know.

His breath caught in his throat, the words blurring before him as he reread the messages, hoping they were just a nightmare.

He read it again, then again, then again. Hoping the messages would just disappear as if they weren’t real. 

He didn’t even realize he was crying until the floor beneath him began to blur, and the sound of his breath came out in a choke.

He collapsed onto his knees. Sobs echoed off the walls as he clutched his phone to his chest. He muttered nonsense to himself as he sunk further and further into the ground.

The first call to Riku went unanswered.

So did the second one.

And so did the third one. 

Daeyoung even tried Riku’s mother, older sisters, and even tried reaching out to Sion and Yushi who they had last seen waving goodbye to them at the airport. 

No one picked up.

He left voicemails. He slurred his words together, jumbled sentences, but never said the right thing.

His hands shook as he booked the flight home.

He didn’t care that he would be missing practice, or if he’d be missing the next week. None of that mattered now. 

On the ride to the airport, his thoughts didn’t stop. Every moment with Riku played back on loop. Riku waking up early just to make him breakfast. Riku staying up late, eyes heavy, just to hear about his day. Riku hiding the pain behind a smile so Daeyoung wouldn’t worry. Riku whispering “I love you” in a quiet room, hoping it wouldn’t break them.

And Daeyoung had let him leave. Had watched him walk away. Had said nothing.

Because he was scared. Because he didn’t know what to say. Because, deep down, he hadn’t been brave enough to choose Riku back.

And now it might be too late.

He curled tighter in his seat on the plane, hoodie drawn over his eyes, headphones in but no music playing.

He didn’t sleep.

Couldn’t.

Because if Riku didn’t pick up when he landed, he didn’t know what he’d do.

He gripped the letter Riku left him in hands tightly, scared it would disappear from his flight if he were to let it go. The seat next to him was empty. It should’ve been Riku.

He kept thinking back. To all the nights Riku stayed up waiting for him, dinner left cold on the table. To the gentle reminders to eat, the quiet looks when he came home late. The mornings where he found a water bottle and vitamins set out on the counter without fail.

Riku had always been there. Quiet. Steady. Suffering. Alone.

And Daeyoung had been too busy chasing something else to notice he was losing the most important thing he had.

By the time he landed, he had a dreadful feeling that it was too late to make up for anything.

Riku’s sister had texted Daeyoung the hospital address while he was on the flight. Nothing else said. 

He stumbled out of the taxi and dashed straight into the hospital, his mind whirling with what ifs and possibilities that could’ve been if he had just stayed home during those nights. 

The hospital room was pale and sterile. It smelled of cleaning supplies and sorrow. Riku, who looked smaller than he ever had, laid upright in his bed. He gazed out the window, the view perfect to see Daeyoung rushing out of the cab earlier.

His skin was pale, he was thinner, but his eyes – they still looked at him with that tender warmth. The crinkles near his eyes folded as his gaze landed on Daeyoung by the door, and his chapped lips formed into a soft smile. It looked like it almost hurt just to smile.

“Hey,” Riku rasped. His voice barely above a whisper.

“Hey,” Daeyoung whispered. He pulled the nearest seat to the edge of Riku’s bed and sat. Riku’s hand rested by his side, looking cold and frail. Daeyoung grasped it and did his best to warm it up. 

“Riku, don’t do this,” his voice cracked. “Don’t leave me. I – I can’t do this without you.”

Riku smiled tiredly at the younger. “I’m tired, Dae.”

“No,” Daeyoung shook his head in denial. “No. Be more greedy for once in your life goddammit, Riku. You family runs this fucking city yet you spend all this time and money on other people — why don’t you be greedy for once? If not for you, then for me .”

Daeyoung borrowed his face into the comforter of the bed. The sobs he was holding back tearing past his lips. “I need you, Riku. More than you’d ever know.”

A gentle hand stroked his head. “Dae, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Please, why are you so selfless?” Daeyoung croaked.

“I was greedy,” Riku mummered, eyes shining. “I chose to spend my time with you.”

Daeyoung couldn’t speak after that. His eyes welled with tears again and he buried his face into Riku’s chest and cried.

—

At the age of twenty-three Riku celebrated his last birthday in a hospital.

“Happy birthday, Riku,” his parents cooed as they stood by the doorway with a bouquet and balloons.

“Thanks guys,” he rasped. His voice wasn’t the same as it used to be anymore. When he tried to reach for the bouquet, even lifting his hand seemed to drain him.

“Have you guys seen Daeyoung?” He asked.

“We made him go home overnight so that he could get some good rest for once. That boy. Always looking out for you,” his mother sighed, busying herself by rearranging the flowers by the window.

It had been two days since Daeyoung came back to Korea. Riku had so much to ask him, but so little time and energy.

Daeyoung poked his head around the corner, his eyes brightening when he realized that Riku was awake. “Happy Birthday,” he smiled and rounded the corner. A small cake in one hand and a deep red bouquet in the other. 

“Thanks, Dae.” Riku smiled. His cheeks hurt from all the smiling he’s been doing today. His parents excused themselves from the room, using the excuse that they had forgotten some things at home. 

Riku shifted to grab the cake, but Daeyoung yanked it away before he could. “I got it,” he murmured. He set down the bouquet on Riku’s lap, and pulled the food tray over to place the cake on it. “It’s strawberry, your favorite.”

“You didn’t have to,” Riku said softly. His fingers twitched like he wanted to reach for it but couldn’t.

“Of course I did,” Daeyoung said, forcing a smile. “I wouldn’t miss your…”

His voice caught. 

Last birthday.

The word “last” hung unspoken between them, too cruel to say aloud.

“Your birthday,” he concluded.

He knew. They all knew. His time was getting shorter. The treatment no longer worked, and he had been in stage four for quite some time. The doctors all said he was lucky enough to be able to travel in such conditions. 

Daeyoung cleared his throat, and began shuffling through his bag. He pulled a small candle. “Make a wish.”

Riku gave him a look. “Really?” 

Daeyoung shrugged. Trying to smile past the tightness in his chest. “I’ll light it anyway.”

The small flame flickered alive, and Riku could see the light reflect off Daeyoung’s dark pupils. He stared at Daeyoung for a brief moment before he cupped his hands together and closed his eyes.

“I wish,” he began. A small pause in between. “I wish that I could’ve stayed longer.”

He blew out the candle.

Daeyoung bit his bottom lip. Tears immediately stung the back of his eyes, and he could feel his nose tingling. His throat burned, and he turned around to search for a few forks. Hiding the fact that he let a few tears sneak past. He wiped his eyes dry with his sleeve, turning back around with a small sniffle.

Riku’s eyes softened, but said nothing.

They each took a bit of the cake before Riku leaned back into his bed with a sigh. Daeyoung moved to pull the blanket up closer to his chest, brushing his fingers against Riku’s arms. 

“I didn’t mean to lie to you,” Riku blurted. “About England. About everything.”

Daeyoung looked at him.

“I didn’t want to hold you back,” Riku continued. “When you told me about the offer, you were so excited. It would’ve hurt me so much to see you not take that chance. You had so much ahead of you. I… didn’t.” 

Daeyoung shook his head. “You didn’t hold me back. I left you behind.”

Riku didn’t respond. The silence was enough.

“I should’ve noticed sooner,” Daeyoung whispered. “You were always there for me. Every night, every message, every quiet thing you did – god, Riku, you were always looking after me.”

Riku smiled faintly. “I always would’ve.”

“I didn’t deserve that.”

“You didn’t have to deserve it. I just loved you.”

Daeyoung froze.

Riku looked away, blinking slowly. “I didn’t mean to say that now,” Riku whispered, eyes fluttering. “Terrible timing, huh?”

Daeyoung shook his head, his fingers tightening around Riku’s hand. “It’s perfect timing. I just wish we had more of it.” He reached for Riku’s hand and held it in both of his hands.

“I don’t know when it happened,” Daeyoung said, voice trembling. “But I think I loved you too. I think I still do. Always have.”

Riku’s eyes softened. “Then that’s enough for me.”

Daeyoung bit his lip hard, fighting the tears.

“You idiot,” he said, voice cracking. “You always gave and gave and gave. Why didn’t you ever ask for anything back?”

“I did,” Riku said. “I asked you to let me come with you. That was the only thing I wanted.”

“And I let you down.”

“No,” Riku said firmly. “You gave me more than you think. You gave me something to live for, even if it wasn’t forever.”

Daeyoung leaned forward, pressed his forehead against Riku’s. “I would give you everything now, if I could. All of it. My future, my career, everything. Just stay.”

Riku paused. “Can you promise me something?”

“Anything.”

“When I’m gone,” Daeyoung’s grip on his head tightened. “Promise me that you’ll continue doing it for yourself. I may not be there for you anymore, but I need you to be there for yourself. Be proud. Be brave. Be greedy.”

Daeyoung released a watery sigh. “I promise.”

“I’m glad,” Riku smiled, eyes soft. 

Daeyoung leaned in and brushed his lips against Riku’s, searching his eyes for any signs of protest, before gently pressing their lips together. Riku’s eyes fluttered closed. The kiss was simple, a small press, but it made Riku weak to his knees. 

“Be more greedy.” Daeyoung echoed as he pulled away, choking on the words. “Why couldn’t you be more greedy – for me?”

Riku exhaled a soft laugh, barely audible. “Because you were always enough.”

They stayed there, holding on to each other, surrounded by faint candle smoke and the scent of strawberries and flowers.

Daeyoung didn’t know how many hours passed before Riku fell asleep again.

But he stayed by his side the whole night, his hand still wrapped around Riku’s.

Afraid to let go.

Not yet.

He wasn’t ready yet. 

Not yet.

He could still feel the warmth in Riku’s hands

Not yet.

As long as he could still feel him breathing.

He chanted that over and over.

—

At the age of twenty-three, Daeyoung held onto his world for as long as he could before it slipped through his fingers.

It happened quietly.

The next morning, Daeyoung was still sitting in the same chair. His head was bowed and fingers curled around Riku’s cold ones. The nurse came in for a vital check. She softly greeted Daeyoung before walking in, then, she froze. The monitors had gone still, not a sign of life left.

“Daeyoung,” she said softly, like he would have shattered if she had spoken any louder.

A sound escaped his mouth – something between a breath and a cry. He dropped his forehead to their joined hands, tears flowing freely as he gasped for air quietly, scared to disturb the rest of the hospital.

“I’m sorry,” she said. 

Daeyoung didn’t respond. He couldn’t.

The hours that followed blurred. Doctors and nurses came in and out, speaking in hushed voices. Riku’s parents arrived, completely devastated. They crushed him into a big hug, the three of them crying together. 

Slowly, the room was emptied of flowers. By the end of the day, even Riku was gone. A big empty space was left where his bed once was. The window was cracked open slightly, letting in a small breeze. The cool and clean wind made it feel close to a final goodbye.

The funeral was held three days later. 

It rained the entire morning, reminding him of the days he left Riku alone at their flat in England. He cried even harder at the thought. 

Daeyoung stood beneath a black umbrella, staring at the coffin, his knuckles white around the handle. Riku’s oldest sister stood by his side, clutching onto his arm for strength as she sobbed. The ceremony was beautiful, filled with the people Riku had once cared for – professors, family friends, classmates. So many of them had been touched by him, even in silence.

But Daeyoung barely heard anything. The only thing he could think about was Riku’s voice, quiet and steady, saying “ I just loved you. ”

He couldn’t remember if he’d said it back. Not clearly. Not properly.

He could only hope that Riku knew anyway.

Daeyoung returned to England two weeks later. 

He stepped slowly into their empty apartment – alone. He dropped his bags by his feet, and stared into the stillness of the apartment they once shared. Everything felt too quiet.

Riku’s cat slippers remained by the front door. He had never taken them with him when he left. Daeyoung couldn’t bear to look at them, so he stepped past them. 

He began to unpack. Slowly, piece by piece – leaving space for Riku in every room. A photo on the wall, his favorite mug in the kitchen, the copy of his favorite book on the coffee table. 

And just like that, he went back to training. His coaches were understanding enough of his loss. His teammates tried to cheer him up, but it was never the same way Riku did it.

He laughed sometimes. He cried sometimes. Ate when he remembered too. But nothing was ever the same. It was like the axis of his life had tilted slightly. 

On the nights where homesickness crept in, he would reread Riku’s letter to him.

Don’t hate me. I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to you in person.

Take care of yourself. 

Eat well. 

Don’t stay out so late anymore now that I can’t wait for you by the door anymore.

You’ll be more than brilliant, I already know it.  

His heart would ache so fiercely as he dissected each word that he would have to press a palm to his chest. 

But there were other nights, softer ones, when he’d sit at the window with tea, watching the rain streak down the glass, and he’d remember Riku’s smile. His laugh. The warmth of his hand.

And he’d whisper to the quiet: “I’m being greedy now. Just like you asked.”

Because even if he couldn’t have Riku anymore, he’d keep the love. All of it. Every last bit.

And for Daeyoung, that would be enough to keep going.

—

At the age of twenty-five, Daeyoung visited his beloved’s grave for the first time on his own.

“Hey,” Daeyoung said softly to the cold, gray headstone.

Two years had come and gone.

The Premier League badge on his shoulder still felt surreal, even after a full season of matches and locker room banter. But nothing felt more real than this moment — standing in front of Riku’s grave with the number thirteen pressed to his chest.

Dango, his golden retriever, laid patiently next to his heel. He rested his chin on Daeyoung’s foot, a reminder for him to stay grounded. 

“It’s been awhile,” he started. Shoving his hands into his pocket to keep him warm from the fall breeze. “Sorry I haven’t visited yet till now. I couldn’t gather the courage to go.”

A strong gust of wind nearly ripped the bright blue jersey out of his grip. “Here,” he whispered. He took a few steps closer and draped the jersey over the stone. “This is for you. My jersey. Number thirteen. I – I made it, Riku.” Daeyoung stifled a sob, his chin falling to his chest.

“Premier league. Full contract. Starter. You always said I could do it, and I did.” The wind whirled softly around them. On the back, his jersey read KIM. Below was the number thirteen. “Do you know why I’ve been wearing the number thirteen since I was young?” He paused, licking his chapped lips. “The team thinks it's superstition or something ironic, but it's you.”

He kneeled down, trying to remember the exact memory. “Do you remember that night? We were walking back from the station. You were sick and tired – we’d just missed the last train. It was freezing and we were starving, and we ended up wandering into that tiny corner shop.”

A faint smile flickered across his face.

“You bought instant noodles and two bags of jelly. The total came to exactly 13,000 won. You looked at the receipt and said, ‘Thirteen. Maybe today wasn’t so unlucky after all.’”

Daeyoung paused, his throat tight.

“You always said the worst days still had something good in them. Even if it was something small. You found it. Every time.”

He looked down at the jersey, smoothing out a crease.

“No one really wears thirteen on purpose in the league. They say it's bad luck and asked me if it was worth the risk. But you would’ve told me to be greedy for once, right?”

His voice wavered, remembering.

“So I picked thirteen. Because even now, when it hurts, when I feel like I’m losing everything again, I try to find that good thing. The jellies. The dumb jokes. The warmth. You.”

He caressed the engravings on the stone. “I wear it for you. Every match. Every minute.”

Dango nudged his knee, like he could feel the ache Daeyoung tried to mask.

“I made it, Riku. I wish you could see it. But I know you'd just roll your eyes and say you never doubted me.”

He looked up at the headstone, eyes glassy. “You were my lucky charm. Every time. Still are.”

He sat there a while longer, updating Riku on everything – the matches, the messy apartment, the sleepless nights, and the good days too. The ones where the sun hit just right and he could almost pretend Riku was still nearby.

Eventually, he stood. Dango rose with him, tail gently wagging, waiting patiently.

Before he left, Daeyoung pressed a kiss to the top of the headstone.

“I love you,” he murmured. “And I’ll come back soon, promise.”

The jersey stayed, draped across the stone like a flag.

And then Daeyoung turned and walked away, a golden retriever at his side, and Riku forever stitched into the seams of the life he carried forward.

He was doing it for them. 

For him.