Work Text:
Today I had someone walk up to me and say
“Hey. You’re beautiful.”
And I smiled but inside I cried because
I do not want to be beautiful.
Beautiful is a soul that is not mine,
And a body I do not own.
This soul has tarnished off its shine,
And this body of mine is someone else’s skin on my own.
I do not want to be beautiful.
I want to be good enough for the word,
Or maybe even just good for the world,
But I am not
So I am not.
I think they call this self-loathing
But I have no self to loathe.
Just someone foul wearing me like clothes,
And I wish they’d take them off,
To prove darkness within to people who don’t
Can’t
Won’t understand when I say
No
Please
Don’t.
Do not call me beautiful,
Do not call me kind,
Do not say these words until you’ve seen
The black in my mind
That thrives to end me
And do evils against me.
I am not these words you say
In hopes of making my day brighter,
For there is a sorrow in my head
That fills me with dread
And I dread the day I’ll be dead and gone
When they say “Wow,
You were beautiful.”
They do not know my heart
And the struggles that ripped me apart
When I saw the dark and ran scared
Because there are monsters in there.
I have accepted that my soul hurts
And aches
And longs for a break,
But you call me beautiful,
And beauty is a soul that is not mine.
You do not see me,
Just the meat on my bones
And the Not-Me wearing my skin like clothes.