Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” Yelled Larry, red hair bouncing alongside the rest of him as he jumped on top of his older sister at the ungodly hour of…she glanced at the clock beside her bed: 09:00 AM.

Veronica Baudelaire was one of the world’s brightest thirteen-year-old electricians, but at times like this she seriously considered using said skills for a dark purpose. Like making a taser.

“Wake uppppppp!”

Or building an electric chair.

Larry stopped jumping, and slid off the bed. Veronica would be relieved, if not for the fact that she -as the fourth child out of twelve- had enough experience to know the ordeal wasn’t over. She managed to roll onto the floor seconds before Larry bellyflopped on top of the bit of mattress she’d been lying on.

“What?” She groaned.

“We’re going to the beach!”

“I’ll pass.” Veronica loved nothing more than to spend her time fiddling with wires, resistors, and bulbs. But at the beach she had to be careful of seawater splashing over her circuits and electrocuting her. Plus, it was always a pain trying to get gritty bits of sand back out of switches.

“Mother says you need the sunlight,” stated Klyde, appearing in the doorway. Nick appeared beside him and, leaning against the doorframe, added, “She doesn’t want you turning into a vampire like Li.”

“I heard that,” called a voice from a corridor nearby, as Lilac Baudelaire -carrying baby Susie in one arm and Sunny in the other- made her way downstairs to the kitchen.

“I wouldn’t mind being a vampire,” mused Veronica, still splayed out on the floor, “then I’d turn into a bat and sleep upside-down on the ceiling where none of you could bug me.”

“I’d steal Larry’s propellor hat then fly up and sing ‘row-row-row-your-boat’ on repeat,” Nick smirked, and tried to take said hat off Larry’s head. Larry batted his hand away,

“Don’t touch that! It’s my thinking cap!”

In the background, Klaus (who Veronica hadn’t even noticed was chilling in her window seat until this point) peered over the book he’d been reading and raised an eyebrow, “You have thoughts?”

“Hey!”

“You don’t need to fly for singing to be annoying, you could just ask Violet to invent a megaphone,” Klyde pointed out. Then, after glancing at the time on his pocket watch, he hurried away to do whatever part of his morning routine was scheduled for that minute.

“Alright, everyone out, I need to get ready. I don’t know why you all like to hang out in my room so much anyway,” Veronica stood, gesturing to the exit.

Once her siblings all left her room, she grabbed the first item of clothing she saw (which happened to be a dark purple button-down dress with deep pockets) and pulled it over her head. She wasn’t particularly interested in fashion  -that was more so Laurie’s kind of thing-  but Veronica picked up a long piece of coiled copper wire from her ‘hazardously cluttered’ desk (as Klyde had put it) and fastened it around her waist like a belt because you never knew what might come in handy.

***

In the kitchen, the Baudelaire children had gathered around the table, sipping hot mugs of tea -or coffee, in Lilac and Veronica’s cases- whilst their parents both fussed over Lil’ Linda in her highchair. Lil’ Linda was the youngest Baudelaire. She was only a couple of weeks old. Yet, despite being the size of an underdeveloped pumpkin (and slightly resembling one too, in that frilly orange bonnet she wore) Lil’ Linda managed to steal the majority of their parents’ attention for herself.

Or at least, that’s how Klyde felt about the situation. He was an eleven-year-old archivist, and as far as he was concerned, there was nothing fascinating about the newest addition to the Baudelaire family at all; all she did was snatch the glasses off his head anytime he carried her, as well as drooling all over his bowtie. Klyde’s brooding was interrupted by Laurie’s sing song voice as she swivelled round from the hob, making her way over to the dining table carrying a tray stacked high with freshly baked fruit pancakes. Klyde rushed over to help, worried that his sister might lose balance and slip and hurt herself.

They made it to the table just fine. Lilac helped their father to divide the pancakes equally onto plates for everyone, and their mother complimented Laurie on the food, “Oh, wow, Laurie dear these pancakes look and smell delicious.”

“They taste great too!” Larry cheered between mouthfuls. Klyde edged his seat out of the spray zone, almost knocking into Nick who was stretching to reach the syrup.

“Thanks!” Laurie smiled, untwisting a bit of cloth so her blond hair falls out of its bun, then she puts it back into her hair a different way so that now it functions as a hairband, “I grew the blueberries for them myself!”

***

It took quite a while for a trolley to arrive which had enough room for all twelve Baudelaire children to squeeze in. Once they were inside, and the trolley began to make its rickety way along the tracks, Laurie tried to brighten everyone’s day by reading from her stack of daily affirmations like she did every morning.

Clearing her throat, she announced, “‘Murder is okay.’”

Lilac, who had previously been attempting to pry the end of one of her plaits out of Lil’ Linda’s iron grip, paused to glance up in Laurie’s direction, “Are you sure that’s right-??”

Laurie nodded, showing her eldest sister that the slanted handwriting on the card did in fact say the same thing she had read. At the same time, Veronica (whose fingers were slightly ink stained) responded to Lilac’s question with, “Absolutely.”

Violet, joining in on the mischief, added, “Oh, one-hundred percent.”

“Sounds legit to me,” shrugged Nick.

“Hmmm,” hummed Lilac, raising an eyebrow.

“How about I give you an extra affirmation, Lilac,” Laurie smiled at her goth sister, not quite grasping the trick that was pulled, “that way everyone’s happy!”

“…Sure.”

“Alright!” Laurie picked up the next card in her affirmations pile, “ ‘Do arson.’ -Klaus, what does arson mean?”

Chapter Text

“-and this stop is Briny Beach!”

Lilac rang the bell, and all of the kids stood as the trolley pulled to a halt.

“Oh, my!” exclaimed the trolley conductor, “there sure are a lot of you! Are you kids on a school trip?”

“No, we’re siblings,” Lilac responded politely.

“In that case, aren’t you going to the Festival Fun Fair, with all the jolly rides and games and snacks? ‘Festive’ means fun!”

“We know what ‘festive’ means,” stated Klyde, a little bluntly. He didn’t intend to sound annoyed or anything; that was just how he spoke.

“Thank you, but it’s the perfect morning to go to the beach,” said Violet, hoisting Sunny higher up on her hip when the infant began to slip.

“It’s grey and cloudy,” the conductor gestured to the sky, which was so foggy it looked as though the entire sky was made of swirling smoke.

“That’s what makes it perf-”

Laurie interrupted Violet, “Great point, trolley man! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I personally think that the Fun Fair with rides and games beats dull-and-empty-beach. Who’s with me?” Laurie stepped back onto the trolley, high fiving the conductor, who beamed at her (anyone who met Laurie always seemed to take a shine to her).

“Laurie! You know what mother and father think of us splitting up, not to mention that rides cost money, which you haven’t brought with you.” Lilac would have put a hand on her hip to say this, but she needed both hands to hold Lil’ Linda, who had begun to squirm and bounce without any sign of stopping.

Veronica shoved her hands in her pockets, “didn’t mother and father give you money, Li? I thought I saw them hand you something as we were leaving.”

“That was for in case we stayed here past lunch time and got hungry, not for games.”

Laurie tucked a long lock of hair behind her ear, “He- sorry, what’s your name?”

“Con. Con Ductor.”

“Thank you,” Laurie turned to Lilac, “Con said there’s snacks at the festival. And snacks count as food. Plus, who’s to say mother and father will ever find out we split up~”

Behind Lilac, Klyde raised his hand, which Violet promptly tugged down again with a ‘don’t you dare’ glare. Klyde may be a bit of a tattle-tale, but he was usually honest about it.

“Fine,” Lilac relented, “but you’re not going alone and you have to be careful.”

“Woohoo!” Laurie fist pumped the air.

“I’ll go too,” said Veronica, “my friend Ben says one of the arcade games is broken, so I want to see if there’s a problem with the wiring. I can take Lil’ Linda with me too, since I won’t go on any of the rides.”

Lilac nodded, and handed the baby over whilst giving a bunch of reminders and advice on where to meet up with them again, and how not to get murdered or kidnapped.

“Ooo!” Larry jumped up and down again and again, the propellor of his hat spinning, “I want to come! I want to come! I love rides! And I love games! And I love-”

“Alright, alright,” laughed Laurie, “hop on quickly now, we’ve held Mr Ductor back long enough!”

Klyde, Susie (who was in Klyde’s arms), Violet, Sunny (who was in Violet’s arms), and Klaus all waved as the trolley departed. Lilac, meanwhile, had a mini-panic attack when she realised Nick and Solitude had wandered off when she wasn’t looking, and was relieved to see they haven’t gone far; Nick was staring at a tide pool, with Solitude chewing a rock beside him.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now based off stress-levels alone, Lilac Baudelaire was the eldest of the twelve Baudelaire children. When she wasn’t busy chasing after her siblings and making sure they didn’t run headfirst into danger, she enjoyed fixing up machines so that they ran more efficiently. Lilac was one of the world’s most innovative 15-year-old mechanics, and she believed that there was always something which could be done to better any given invention or situation. Right now, that involved telling off her brother,

“Nick! Don’t run off like that! This beach is huge and we don’t want to lose anyone.”

Nick leaned closer into the spot he’d stopped at, and stretched his finger out to brush against a red flower which bloomed at the impact, “It’s a tide pool,” Nick said simply, “and that’s a frigus flos.”

“I don’t care what it is, stay with us.”

“But I was reading about tidepools yesterday,” he said, “and I’d like to see what’s here.”

At twelve years old, Nick was the fifth eldest Baudelaire child. He and his twin (Klaus) both enjoyed reading, but whilst Klaus was content to spend his time indoors curled up in an armchair devouring book after book for all eternity, Nick however preferred to see and experience the things he had read about first-hand.

Beside Nick, abandoning a rock to pick up a sturdy looking stick by Lilac’s feet, was Solitude. She was the ninth oldest child, sandwiched between Larry (who was ten) and Sunny (who was a baby). She was in that stage between being a baby and being a child. Most people would call it ‘toddlerhood’, but that term sounds almost deceptively innocent for a being as powerful as Solitude. Although she may have only recently started to speak beyond babble, her mouth was host to a collection of very sharp teeth. At that moment on the beach, she used said teeth to munch on a nice stick. She could not think of a more pleasant way to spend the morning.

“We agreed we’d test Violet’s invention first,” reminded Klaus, walking to join them.

“Yeah, Violet’s invention trial is first on the schedule, and then the tidepools, and after that Laurie said she was going to show the babies how to fold pieces of marram grass so they can be used as whistles. But she’s not even at the beach anymore so we can figure something else out,” Klyde added. Baby Susie in his arms gazed mesmerised at the fish darting around in the tidepool. “Nemo!” she shrieked, meaning something like, “Could you all please hurry up with testing out the invention, because I want to get to the part of the plan where we look at tidepools so that I can jump in and try to swim like a fish.”   

The children did hurry up. Violet tied her hair back and opened a picnic basket, which a mechanical arm rose out of. When Violet tied her hair back like that, it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers and gears of her inventing mind were working at top speed. Usually when they saw this, her siblings would either step closer to Violet out of curiosity, or bolt in the opposite direction depending on whether or not they were arguing that day.

“Klyde, at what angle are the prevailing currents?”

“The angle of the prevailing currents…” Klyde Baudelaire was a middle child. He did not even get a full year out of being the youngest before his little brother Larry was born, which was something Klyde was rather bitter about. Despite only being eleven years old, he was an archivist (by hobby, not employment), and enjoyed organising documents and ensuring that everything was where it was supposed to be.

“Of course, we still need the right projectile,” said Klaus.

Nick and Lilac grabbed a couple of rocks each, then set them down on the towel their three infant sisters sat on, for them to inspect.

“Ecuas bmal!” Sunny screamed, which meant something that caused Nick and Violet to snicker, Klaus and Klyde to gasp, and which made Lilac mutter, “This is why we shouldn’t let you watch Gordon Ramsay.”

“Oki!” babbled Susie, meaning “It’s alright, I managed to find a stone in this pile which isn’t a sandstone. So I can bite it to be the right shape, and Soli and Sunny can help me since they’re older and have more teeth.”

“Thank you, girls, that’s perfect” said Violet after Soli handed her the (now flat) stone. Violet then passed the stone to Klaus, who passed it to Lilac, who retrieved a stick of white chalk out of one of the deep pockets of her long gothic dress, and used it to draw an ‘X’ on the stone. She swung her arm back, preparing to throw, before Klaus said, “Excuse me, Lilac, but why are you using your left hand?”

Lilac paused. “I’m curious to see if I can skip the rock as far with my left as I can with my right.”

“I don’t mean to criticize, but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics.”

Klyde nodded in agreement, “independent variables must be kept the same in order to draw a clear conclusion regarding the outcome of the experiment.”

“They have a point,” said Violet, “I think you should use your standard right-handedness.”

“Alright,” Lilac shrugged, passing her rock to her other hand, and then throwing it across the water. Klyde started to count the number of skips, and his siblings soon joined in (although Soli, Sunny, and Susie got their numbers a little jumbled).

“…eleven!…twelve!…thirteen!”

The rock sank under the water.

Violet adjusted her ribbon, kneeled down and then -after a nod from Lilac- twisted a switch on the picnic basket. The children all watched as the mechanical arm whirred, rising higher before extending out over the water, reaching down and picking up the stone before coming back and dropping it into the palm of Violet’s hand.

“It worked!” Violet exclaimed, smiling broadly.

“I never expected otherwise,” said Klaus.

Soli and Sunny giggled and clapped. Susie shrieked with glee, bobbing up and down (she was too little to properly jump). Nick high fived Violet while Lilac congratulated her and told her she had a can of WD-40 in her bedroom which Violet could use if the gears ever went rusty. Klyde inquired if he could include the design’s blueprints in his file of ‘Excellent and Exceptional inventions (which did not explode)’.

“It’s a good thing Veronica wasn’t here to see it. She probably would have tried adding a disco ball or something,” said Lilac, who had not gotten over the last time she allowed Veronica to ‘help’ her with a project.

“Ha, true. I do wish Mother and Father had seen it though, I think they would like it,” Violet slipped the ribbon out of her hair.

“It’s not like them to just send us off on our own.” Nick said.

“They sent Laurie and Larry to that ranch one time,” said Klyde.

“That was for their friend’s birthday party, that’s different. Plus, they freaked out and wouldn’t let them go back again after Laurie told us all she was offered an apprenticeship there.”

Suddenly, Sunny yelled “Gack!” and Susie and Soli dropped the rock they’d been sharing to point at a spot in the distance. This roughly translated to “Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog!”

The siblings turned and saw a tall figure in the distance, striding towards them. Lilac’s grip around the rock tightened, and she considered throwing it. Nick, Klaus, and Klyde leaned down to pick up Solitude, Sunny, and Susie before turning back around to face the figure, who -now that it was closer- they recognised as Mr Poe; a banker with a dreadful cough who occasionally came for dinner parties at the Baudelaire mansion. Veronica and Nick had a long-standing bet on when he was going to die.

“Hello, Baudelaires,” greeted Mr Poe. He then spent fifteen seconds coughing into a handkerchief.

“Hello,” responded Lilac, shooting a look at her siblings for them to do the same.

“How do you do?” Violet said.

“How do you do?” Klaus said.

“How do you do?” Klyde said.

“Odo yow!” Solitude and Susie waved.

Nick stared at his siblings judgementally, looking like he’s about to say something, but then Sunny…’greets’ Mr Poe with a “Fuqu!” and Nick laughs before he can stop himself.

“Sorry,” Nick said, “It’s nice to see you, Mr Poe.”

“I’m sure it is,” coughs Mr Poe, who then pauses for a painfully awkward amount of time.

Lilac then says, “It’s a nice day.” Just to break the silence.

“It is a nice day,” Mr Poe tucks his handkerchief away, “I have some very bad news for you children.”

They stared up at him.

“Your parents,” the banker continues, “have perished in a terrible fire.”

Silence.

“They perished,” Mr Poe said, “in a fire that destroyed the entire house. I’m very, very sorry to have to tell you this, my dears.”

Lilac dropped the stone she was holding. It fell to the ground. Lilac felt like she was falling too. Violet took her eyes off Mr Poe and stared out at the ocean. She understood the words the man was saying, but thought it must be some sort of cruel joke. Susie tilted her head back to peer at Klyde, confused and concerned about why her big brother had started to cry. Nick’s face had gone slack, and his breathing sounded shaky. Solitude and Sunny shared a concerned look. They were too young to really understand what was happening.

“Perished means killed.”

Klaus’s throat felt impossibly tight, but he managed to say, “We know what perished means.”

Mr Poe smiled at them. None of them found they were capable of returning the gesture.

“The fire department arrived, of course,” Mr Poe said, “but they were too late. The entire house was engulfed in fire. It burned to the ground.”

Klyde thought of the various factual documents his parents forbid him from organising until he was older. Now he never would. Lilac said something to Mr Poe, but Klyde didn’t register it; he just stared at the sand, holding Susie tight and not even noticing the tears that slid down his cheeks until they splashed against grey sand.

“I was sent to retrieve you here, and to take you to my home, where you’ll stay for some time while we figure things out. I am the executor of your parents’ estate. That means I will be handling their enormous fortune and figuring out where you children will go. When Lilac comes of age, the fortune will be yours, but the bank will take charge of it until you are old eno-”

“You’re lying,” Nick accused abruptly. Lilac shot him a reproachful glare at first, but after Nick repeated himself several times while shaking and taking several steps back, her gaze softened, and she went over to him then placed her hands on his shoulders and tried to calm him.

“Where do we…what do-” Instead of finishing his sentence Klyde burst into tears. Violet wrapped him in a hug, and he sobbed into her shoulder.

A sudden realisation crossed Klaus’s mind, “Have the rest of our siblings found out yet?”

“There’s already seven of you here, surely there can’t be any more!”

“Eight,” corrected Klaus, “and there are more. There’s twelve of us in total.”

“Oh,” said Mr Poe, “well, I haven’t heard anything about these extra siblings; I was only sent to find the children on Briny Beach. Perhaps your siblings were inside the house with your parents.”

“Pacito!” yelled Sunny, meaning, “I don’t entirely grasp the situation at hand as I am only a baby, however I wish you would stop talking because the more you do, the more upset my siblings become.”

Violet gulped and rushed to explain, “No- no they’re not… they weren’t at home. Laurie, Veronica, Larry, and Lil’ Linda wanted to go check out the fair, so we split up.”

“That doesn’t sound very responsible,” Mr Poe frowned.

Lilac walked back to join them, her arm wrapped around Nick’s, “I- I guess not,” she admitted, “can we go and find them now?” She glanced around at her siblings, “I think we should all stick together from now on.”

“Yes,” said Mr Poe, “although if I were you, I would not get my hopes up about there being anyone who is willing to take on so many children at once. So, you may be sent to live with different guardians.”

Lilac’s stomach dropped. Klyde cried harder against Violet, who hugged him tighter, using her free arm to draw Klaus and Sunny into the embrace.

Chapter Text

“Come with me,” Mr Poe led them to his car. While his back was turned, Nick whispered to his siblings, “I don’t care what Mr Poe says. Nobody is splitting us up. And if they try to, then we’ll just run.”

Lilac bit her lip, “I don’t think becoming runaways is the best idea Nick,” she whispered, taking Sunny from Klaus, whose arms were getting tired, “I’m sure there’s something else we could do which would be a little safer.”

“Like what?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet. But there’s always something.”

They ended the discussion there because they had reached Mr Poe’s car and so he was within earshot again. Lilac and Klyde shared the passenger seat; Sunny on Lilac’s lap, and Susie on Klyde’s. Violet, Klaus, Nick and Solitude (who Nick held) sat in the back. The drive to the fair was miserable. Made even more so by how, once they arrived, the children peered out the windows to see crowds of parents laughing with their kids.

“It shall be a rather arduous task identifying your siblings when there’s so many people here, I’ll need one of you to come with me. Arduous means difficult, by the way.”

“We know what arduous means,” Klyde and Klaus mumbled in sync.

“I’ll go,” volunteered Lilac, “I’m the eldest, so I should be there for them.”

“Alright, but the rest of you stay here, you wouldn’t want to lose any more family members today!” Mr Poe’s ‘joke’ did not land.

My Poe stepped out of the vehicle. Lilac handed Sunny over to Violet and then followed the banker through the dense crowd. The air was overflowing with sounds; joyful screaming, music from various attractions clashing against eachother, parents shouting for children who had wandered off, and children yelling to be found. Lilac clamped her hands over her ears, but had to take them back down again when she saw Mr Poe’s mouth was moving, meaning he was talking to her.

“-uld you please give me a description of the children we are searching for, Lily dear.”

“It’s Lilac.”

“What is? Their clothes?”

“No- Lilac is my name.”

“Ah, yes, of course. My apologies.”

“Uh- Linda is the youngest. She’s a new-born and she wears a bright orange bonnet, so hopefully that will make her easier to spot. Larry is ten. He always wears a propellor hat, and a red and white striped shirt,” Lilac listed off the details mechanically, gripping onto the distraction like it was the only solid support beam in a tower of rusted scaffolding. She could not afford to fall apart. “Veronica and Laurie are twins; they’re both thirteen. Veronica’s hair is short and black, and today she was wearing… a purple dress, yeah, that was it. Laurie has very long blonde hair, held back by a hairband. I- I’m sorry but I can’t remember what she was wearing, she tends to change outfits a lot throughout the day- but her clothes probably have some sort of plant design on them because she’s an avid gardener and likes to incorporate her interests into her clothes.”

“My, I’ve never heard of twins who look so different,” Mr Poe smiled in a polite way which lacked genuine interest. Lilac shrugged. She was not really in the mood for small talk either. There were rides outside, but the pair walked through the inside bit first since it was smaller. They passed claw machines, coin slot games, a ghost train, a cotton candy maker, arcade machines-

Lilac tugged on Mr Poe’s arm, “Stop!” she said, “I see Veronica. She’s fixing the wiring of Pac-man.”

“Egad!” Exclaimed the banker, and he strode over to a part-time worker with a lanyard round their neck who had been staring fascinatedly at Veronica’s work up until Mr Poe got their attention.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Mr Poe spluttered between coughs, “you can’t force this young girl to do child labour simply because she’s a helpless orphan!”

Veronica stopped fiddling with wires for a second to fix Mr Poe with a confused yet judgemental stare, “I’m not an orphan,” she stated.

“Erm, about that…” Mr Poe adjusted his tie. Veronica was fully convinced that the banker’s cough had transpired into a worse illness, and that he was suffering from delusions because of it. Then she caught sight of Lilac’s face. And in that moment, Veronica knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that her parents really were Gone.

“Oh. Oh no. Shit. I don’t-“ she dropped the pliers she was holding, and shakily stood up. Lilac rushed to Veronica’s side, taking her sisters’ hands in her own, and, staring into those wide terrified eyes, Lilac told her sister the devastating news as gently as she could, “I’m so sorry, Veronica, but something- something terrible happened. It’s- Dad and-” She choked back a sob, “there was a fire,” the sentence was barely a whisper, but it held the weight of a world –of the world the sisters had known-- collapsing. Veronica, dazed, hugged her. The last time she saw Lilac cry was when she was eight and Veronica promised she could bring their pet cat back to life, but the galvanism hadn’t worked, and the smell of singed cat had haunted their home lab for weeks. And just like back then, Lilac was trying to hold back her tears.

“Ahem,” Mr Poe cleared his throat awkwardly, “I think we ought to get a move on with finding the rest of you Baudelaires, don’t you agree?”

Lilac nodded, wiping her eyes. Beside her, Veronica grabbed her hand and said, “I know where they’ll be.” The electrician led her sister and the banker through the dense crowd, passed the bumper cars, and to a carousel which played a cheery tinny tune loudly and slightly off-key.

The carousel had many beautifully painted pony statues on it for kids to ride on. It would make sense to find the other kids here, because Larry was obsessed with ponies, and Laurie loved making her siblings happy to the extent that she would spend their entire trip to the fair going on Larry’s favourite ride with him and Linda. A flash of orange speeds by; Linda in her bonnet. The next spin, they catch better sight of them since they know where to look.

Larry, Laurie and Linda are all sitting on the same pony, laughing giddily. Larry and Linda throw their arms in the air. Laurie catches a blurred glimpse of her siblings in the crowd as the carousel spins, and her smile grows even wider. She keeps one arm around Linda and uses the other to wave. As the carousel slows, Laurie can see her siblings more clearly...they are not smiling. They do not wave.

Mr Poe is there. Why’s he standing next to her sisters?

 Mr Poe checks his watch then steps up onto the carousel’s platform even though it hasn’t stopped spinning yet. He makes eye contact. He says something. The music drowns the words out.

“What?” Laurie yells.

Mr Poe cups his hands round his mouth to enhance his volume, and shouts, “YOUR PARENTS HAVE PERISHED IN A TERRIBLE FIRE.”

Everyone stares. Laurie’s smile falters. She did hear him. But she asks “what?” again anyway, in the hope that somehow the music had warped Mr Poe’s sentence. Larry covers the pony’s ears.

“I SAID YOUR PARENTS HAVE PERISHED IN A TERRIBLE FIRE.”

The ride stops spinning. So does the world. The air is heavy with the scent of candyfloss and despair.

Chapter Text

Laurie flinched away from the window of Mr Poe’s car, squeezing her eyes shut tight. She wished she could be like Lilac, who had stopped crying to ask important questions. Or like Violet and Veronica, who were strong enough to hold onto the younger ones, while Laurie could barely hold herself together. Mr Poe stopped the car, and let the Baudelaires out to have “one last look” at their home. But Laurie couldn’t bring herself to look. She only exited the vehicle so her siblings could get by her, and once they did, she slid back into the back seat, trembling.

Before she could shut the car door, Veronica stuck her arm in the way, and handed Lil’ Linda to Laurie, “if you’re staying in here, you may as well take her. The ashes can’t be good for her lungs.”

“Okay,” Laurie sniffled, letting Lil’ Linda lie on her lap, supporting her head with one hand and holding a finger from the other out for Linda to grab, as she liked to do. Veronica left, closing the door behind her.

Linda stared into Laurie’s eyes for a very long time as the two of them sat in that car, the noises of outside muffled.

If you have ever held a newborn baby for a substantial amount of time, you may have experienced this specific kind of stare, where a baby gazes directly at you, unblinkingly, as though they understand perfectly what is going on inside your head, and as though you too know what’s going on inside of theirs.

“We’ll be okay,” Laurie said softly. Lil’ Linda gurgled and stretched her gummy mouth into a shape that somewhat resembled a smile. Laurie was glad Veronica had handed Linda over, she felt much less alone now. For a moment, she wondered if maybe that had been part of her twin’s intentions.

***

The rest of the children were exploring the ruins of their home and it was…jarring is probably the best way to put it. Where a five-storey mansion once towered, there was now just ash and parts of walls. The windows that remained were all smashed and soot-stained. Smoke still rose from some areas. The whole place smelt of death. Nick figures that if his parents’ spirits were there somewhere, they’d be telling the children to look away. Instead, they stare, almost dazed, at the place.

Lilac found the remains of her favourite toolbox; the one which had been gifted to her for her tenth birthday. It had been painted lilac, to match the name her parents had helped her to pick out after she realised there was a certain level of envy to her Wednesday Addams obsession that extended beyond the character’s gothic attitude. Lilac had cherished that box, and had taken pride in ensuring the spanners and nails and bits and bobs inside were always neatly organised—now they had all melded together, and the outside of the box was so filthy it looked more black than purple.

Violet’s microscope had been destroyed too, and Klaus and Nick’s favourite books had been reduced to ashes on crumbling blackened shelves. Veronica’s tesla coil was completely unrecognisable, and she unknowingly stepped right on it on her way through what once were hallways, pausing as she caught sight of the scorched cushion of the windowseat where their mother had liked to sit and read to the little ones. She walked into the nursery, placing a comforting hand on Larry’s shoulder. He’d been stroking the caved-in head of his favourite rocking horse. It didn’t even have a mane anymore.

A few ‘rooms’ (if they could even still be called that) away from Veronica and Larry, in the remains of the library with the rest of the kids (bar Laurie and Lil’ Linda, who were in Mr Poe’s car), Sunny babbled “Dorexplo!”  and wriggled in Lilac’s arm so she could lean forwards to point at a charred desk. She had meant ‘What’s that?’

One of the drawers -which were usually kept locked tight- was hanging open, and inside of it was a cylindrical object unlike anything the kids had seen before. Klaus stepped carefully towards it, and picked it up as tentatively as he could in his shaking hands. Klyde moved closer, same with Violet, and Nick (carrying Solitude) leaned over his twin’s shoulder to examine it.

“I think- maybe you have to twist it?” suggested Klyde, “I mean- it-it looks like those are dia-oh. Oh no. I’m sorry.”

While Klyde had been speaking, Klaus had tried his suggestion, but the moment he applied the slightest bit of pressure in an attempt to twist what might once have been dials, half of the cylinder crumbled into ashes, making them all jump a little. Klaus turned what was left of the object over in his hand; the top of it had a design on it that looked sort of like an eye.

Mr Poe cleared his throat, checked his watch, and gave the children a pointed look. He walked back to his car. They followed behind him, taking more care than he was to avoid stepping on the ruined objects in their path. On the way out, Lilac spotted a framed silhouette, and took it with her. Susie began to yawn, so Klyde adjusted his blazer so it covered part of her head, with the hope that that would make it darker and more comfortable for her.

Once they have all squeezed into the car, Mr Poe started the engine and said, “Say goodbye, Baudelaires.”

Veronica reached her hand towards Laurie, who clasped it and, in one swift and determined motion, swivelled round to look out the back window.

Her breath caught in her throat. Instead of saying ‘it’s all gone’ like Violet had, or ‘we have nothing’ like Klaus had, or muttering swears in a heartbroken loop as Veronica had, Laurie whispered, “We’re still here.” Then she gulped and said it again. And again. Klyde leaned closer from the passenger seat he shared with Lilac, Sunny and Susie, so that he could place a hand on Laurie’s shoulder. He knew that comforted her.

Violet, Nick, Klaus and Larry also turned to gaze out the back window. Solitude used the boys’ shoulders to push herself up high enough to peek out too. Lil’ Linda made no such effort; she had already fallen into a peaceful slumber where she dreamed her father was reading a poem about an elephant to her while cradling her; she did not understand that this scenario was now an impossibility.

 Lilac kept her eyes glued firmly to the floor.

“Goodbye.” Violet said softly.

Most of the ride after that was spent in sniffling silence, with the only exception being when Larry recounted, in a rather broken voice, that he had found his lucky horseshoe broken in the rubble. Violet had made it for him last year after attending a welding workshop, and Larry had hung it above his bedroom door, rubbing it before competitions to increase his odds of winning.

“…I guess we really are out of luck,” said Klyde.

Laurie’s eyes were always bright, but in that moment, the sort of spark in them shifted, as she said, “Then we’ll make our own luck.”

Chapter Text

Their stay in Mr Poe’s house was something all twelve Baudelaires and all four Poes would rather forget.

Klyde kept bursting into tears over the smallest things, then Edgar and Albert (Mr and Mrs Poe’s dreadful sons) would tease him about it. This usually resulted in Nick or Veronica fighting them, and Lilac -who was always tired these days- trying to diffuse the situation before Mrs Poe heard and inevitably blamed the fight on the Baudelaires.

Everything felt so suffocating. The only space big enough for all twelve Baudelaires to sit together was on the stairs. They ate there too; they hadn’t originally, but Klaus had a habit of correcting people’s grammar, and the Poes (who found this annoying) happened to have a habit of making grammatical errors when they spoke…long story short, meals around the table were now exclusively a Poe Family privilege.

Lilac had built a makeshift crib out of couch cushions for Sunny, Susie and Lil’ Linda. Since Solitude, Larry and Klyde were the next youngest, they got the spare mattress in Edgar and Albert’s room.

Nick slept on the top few stairs so he could be nearer to Solitude, and Klaus slept on the bottom few steps so he could be closer to Nick. Violet slept on the kitchen table, and Lilac curled up beneath it; both using teatowels to function as blankets. Veronica and Laurie chose the windowsill, and on nights when they couldn’t sleep, they would watch raindrops run down the cold glass panes, or count how many times passing cars would beep their horns.

Violet had found a dusty toolbox under the sink when she was doing the dishes on their second day. The toolbox stayed there, and it stayed dusty, for neither she, or Lilac, or Veronica felt much like doing what was usually their favourite thing. None of the Baudelaires felt much like doing anything other than hiding under covers, or behind curtains, and shutting out the world.

Despite the unpleasantness of their surroundings, the children had mixed feelings when, over a dull dinner of boiled chicken, boiled potatoes and blanched stringbeans, Mr Poe poked his head out into the stairway where the orphans were gathered, and announced that they were to leave his household the next morning.

“Good,” said Albert, speaking with his mouthful, “Now we can get our room back. I’m tired of sharing it. Those Baudelaires are always moping around and are never any fun.”

 “Wow, I wonder why? It’s not like our parents just died or anything,” said Nick, stabbing his fork into a stringbean.

Thankfully, Edgar’s next complaint drowned out the comment, “And the babies bite. Apart from the one with the ugly orange bonnet, she just… giggles…in the dead of night…it’s creepy.”

Laurie peered down at the newborn in her arms and mouthed ‘Good job!’.

“Where will we go?” Lilac asked nervously. After a brief fit of coughing, Mr Poe said, “I have made arrangements for you to be raised by a distant relative of yours who lives on the other side of town. His name is Count Olaf.”

The siblings all looked at one another.

“Never heard of him,” said Violet.

Klyde swallowed a chewy bit of chicken, “Our parents never mentioned Count Olaf to us. Just how is he related to us, exactly?”

Mr Poe sighed, “He’s either… Let’s see. What is it? Your third cousin fourth time removed, or your fourth cousin three times removed… in any case, he’s removed. Still, he’s only three miles away, and your parents’ will was very specific about you being raised by your closest living relative.”

Klaus made a face, and whispered incredulously, “He can’t really think that’s what ‘closest living relative’ means.”

“Huh?” gaped Larry, “what else could it mean??”

Nick groaned, setting his plate to the side so he could lean back very dramatically on the stairs whilst dragging his fingers down his face.

Veronica elbowed him in the side, “stop being a dick.”

“If he lives so close by, why didn’t our parents ever invite him over?” Lilac questioned.

Mr Poe coughed some more, then answered, “Possibly because he was very busy. He’s an actor by trade, and often travels around the world with various theatre companies.”

Laurie brightened a little, “We get to live with an actor!”

“I thought he was a count,” said Klyde.

Mr Poe, obviously getting rather tired of the conversation, said “He’s both. He is a very busy man, which is something I can relate to as I have to return to the bank to do some more work.” He then left the house before the Baudelaires could ask him any more of the questions they wanted to ask about their new guardian.

“Well,” Mrs Poe clapped her hands together, “you twelve had better start packing. Edgar, Albert, please help me clear the table.”

The Baudelaires went to the bedroom. Violet, Laurie and Larry sat on Albert’s bed, and Veronica, Nick and Solitude sat on Edgar’s. Lil Linda was content to curl up on Laurie’s lap while the other babies explored under the beds; solemnly leaving teeth marks on the shoes they found there so they would not be forgotten. In the middle of the room, Lilac, Klyde and Klaus stood; they were the only ones doing anything useful.

“Alright,” said Lilac, “there really isn’t much room to pack clothes for all of us in this suitcase, so if anyone really wants to bring a certain outfit with them then hand it to Klaus or Klyde, then I’ll fold it so it fits.”

“I would feed those hideous dresses Mrs Poe gave me to sheep, but I’d feel too bad for the sheep,” Veronica shuddered.

“I second that,” said Klyde, grimacing as he remembered the horrible frilly cabbage-coloured skirt Mrs Poe had tried to make him wear.

“We could feed the clothes to Edgar and Albert,” suggested Violet, “I reckon if we tore the fabric up and served it on dinner plates, they’d think it was salad.”

“Very helpful, guys.” sighed Lilac.

Chapter Text

The next morning, after eating a rushed breakfast of cornflakes (apart from Sunny, who had decided she would rather fling her bowl at Klyde than eat from it), the Baudelaire children squeezed into Mr Poe’s car, and the banker drove off. Veronica wondered if some of Laurie’s optimism was finally wearing off on her, because the car felt less cramped than she remembered, and the sky seemed unusually bright for this time of year.

***

The car stopped in front of a beautiful house which looked like it had been taken straight out of a fairytale; it was painted light blue, with a vibrant red door, a white picket fence, and pink cherry blossom trees. As soon as Laurie stepped out of the vehicle, she skipped over to the trees to examine their blossoms up close; flapping her free hand with excitement. (Her other arm was busy holding Lil’ Linda.)

The other kids looked not at the plants, but at an older woman who was standing by the picket fence and holding grocery bags,

“Hello there! Salutations! Shalom!” She wore a welcoming smile, and each of the children felt some of their previous apprehension about living in a new place melt away. “You must be the Baudelaire children!”

Lilac adjusted her hold on Susie to free up her right hand, then she returned the woman’s smile and shook her hand. It felt firm and warm, “Yes, we are. I am Lilac Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Violet, Laurie, Veronica, Nick, Klaus, Klyde, Larry, Solitude, Sunny, Susie and Linda.”

Mr Poe coughed, so Violet added, “And this is Mr Poe. He’s been arranging things for us.”

Mr Poe handed the woman a business card.

“Oh, well, I am Justice Strauss. Forgive me for not shaking hands, but as you can see, I am a mountain of parcels. I just bought a new tool kit because my food processor broke. Although I don’t know who I think I’m kidding, because I have no inventive or mechanical skills whatsoever. Also, my electricity has been acting up recently, so even if I domanage to somehow fix the processor, I’m not certain it would work if I plug it in!”

Lilac, Violet, and Veronica caught eachothers eyes and grinned.

Justice Strauss continued, “Then I treated myself to new file cards for my private library, and frankly I don’t have an acute literary sense. And then, to top it all off, I forgot to buy a new bread knife. It means I have no possible way of cutting up this baguette, or the spinach I grew to go with it!”

Klaus perked up a bit, and said, “We’d be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss.”

“Yeah,” said Veronica, “Lilac and Violet are very mechanically minded, so they could fix your food processor. And I’m something of an electrician myself, so I could see if I can sort out your electricity problems.”

“Plus, Klaus and I know our way around libraries,” Nick added.

“Atak!” Announced Solitude, meaning ‘Sunny, Susie, and I enjoy nothing more than violently tearing things apart with our teeth, so we would be happy to act as bread knives for you.’

Her siblings chose not to translate that.

The woman gasped, “How wonderful! How lucky am I to have such unusual children in my life?”

Larry raised his hand, “Why is your hair so weird?”

“Larry!” Lilac hissed, “don’t be rude!”

“Oh, it’s okay, this is a wig I wear as part of my work uniform. I’m a judge of the High Court,” Justice explained patiently, apparently finding the question endearing.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Are you married to Count Olaf?” Asked Veronica.

Justice’s face dropped, and she stumbled to say, “What? Oh! Oh, no! No. No. Goodness me, no. No, I don’t even really know him that well. He’s… he’s just my neighbour. His house is over there.”

The children turned to face the house Justice had pointed at. Their stomachs sank.

The house they were to live in looked as though it had been abandoned long ago; the bricks were dark and grimy, most of the windows had been boarded up, and there was a tall and sinister looking tower. The entire building sagged to the side, like a crooked tooth.

Laurie left the cherry blossom tree to join her siblings in staring. “Oh,” she uttered, then, “The…the ivy growing up the walls seems fascinating, I’m eager to get a closer look! And Lilac, you’d probably have lotsa fun trying to fix up the caved in parts of the building, same with you, Vi!”

Her sisters smiled weakly.

“Eyre!” yelped Susie. She meant, ‘What a terrible place! I don’t want to live there at all!”

“We can convince our new guardian to let us go to the fair, then one of us will win you a goldfish, and you can keep it next to your crib. Would you like that, Susie?” Laurie did not want to go to the fair ever again, but she knew Susie loved aquatic life, and she knew that Susie was very sad.

“Fsh!” Susie clapped her hands together, mood doing a 180 from frightened to excited.

Veronica tugged Laurie’s arm to pull her a little away from their baby sister, and then, with an annoyed expression she hissed, “stop making promises you don’t know if you can keep! I heard you doing the same thing to Sunny back at the Poes’ house, telling her there would be proper rocks to bite at the next place- when back then you didn’t even know where ‘the next place’ was!”

Laurie bit her lip, “but- she seemed so upset, and I just wanted her to feel better that’s all.”

In front of them, their older sisters exchanged goodbyes with Justice, and everyone started to walk towards Count Olaf’s house. Laurie and Veronica followed behind them, hanging back for a little more privacy.

Veronica shoved some of the hair which had fallen in her face back, and said, “I know. I – okay, I get that you want everyone to be happy. But you have to be realistic too, otherwise everyone’ll just get even more disappointed when things don’t work out.”

Laurie paused to think, “…alright. I won’t give out false hope. Even so, I think we all need some hope, so I’ll just…make sure it’s the organic kind. If that makes sense?”

Veronica nodded, offering her twin a half-smile to let her know she wasn’t annoyed with her anymore.

The siblings all gathered on the crumbling stone steps that lead to the front door. Up close, they could see that somebody had scratched an eye into the door’s flaking paint. Klaus, who was carrying Sunny, nudged Nick (who carried Solitude), and whispered, “that looks like the eye that was on the cylinder we found in father’s desk…do you think it means something?”

Nick narrowed his eyes and nodded, “it has to.”

Mr Poe rang the doorbell. It played an eery tune which reminded Laurie of the music on the carousel. She shuffled a little closer to Veronica.

Nobody answered.

“That’s strange,” coughed Mr Poe, ringing the doorbell again, “he said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you.”

“That’s not concerning at all,” muttered Nick.

The children heard some clattering noises coming from inside, then muffled talking.

“I think our new guardian is nervous,” Laurie said quietly, “it sounds like he’s rehearsing how to greet us.”

The door creaked open. Behind it stood a man who was very tall and very thin. Instead of two eyebrows, he had one long one, and he was dressed in a filthy suit which was too small for him. The trousers cut off above his ankle and -since he wore no socks- the children could see very clearly that there was an eye tattooed there.

Klaus and Nick shared a look.

“Hello, hello, hello, children.” Count Olaf said. “Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat so you don’t track in any mud.”

“Kerhs,” said Susie as Lilac (who carried her) stepped inside. This translated to “I’m not convinced there’s any floor for us to track mud on to.”

That was a fair enough statement, because Count Olaf’s floor was so caked with dirt, and covered with scraps of newspapers, and empty wine bottles, that it was impossible to even tell what colour the floor was beneath it all.

As the children filed into the entrance hall, Count Olaf’s shiny eyes continued to widen and widen, his mouth falling slightly agape.

“Mr Poe,” Count Olaf hissed, “I seem to recall your letter stating that I was to house 1 or 2 orphans. Not eleven!”

Mr Poe, after an abrupt fit of coughing, said, “Oh. Oh, deary me. There must have been a small typo. I shall have to speak to my secretary about this.”

Count Olaf’s nostrils flared, and for a moment he did not say anything, but instead stood there in a tangible rage. Veronica worried he was going to strike Mr Poe across the face. Then she remembered Mr Poe was actually kind of a dick, so she stopped worrying.

Klaus decided to use that moment of angry silence to correct their new guardian on the mistake he had made, “Um, there’s twelve of us actually, not eleven.”

“I know my numbers, kid. They don’t call me Count Olaf for no reason,” he scoffed.

Whilst Klaus made an argument about knowing his family better than Olaf because he grew up with them, Lilac did a headcount, then promptly muttered “Shit” under her breath. Then, loud enough so they could all hear her, the eldest Baudelaire announced, “We forgot Klyde.”

There was a collective moment of eye-widening and double-checking among the siblings as they realised that yes, at some point Klyde had not followed them, and none of them had noticed.

“…Maybe he stayed with Justice Strauss?” Suggested Violet.

Veronica shook her head, “Nah, me and Laurie were the last to leave hers.”

“Can anyone remember when we saw him last?” Asked Lilac.

A vivid memory suddenly hit Nick; it involved Klyde covered in milk and cornflakes, clutching a clean shirt in his hands whilst walking towards the bathroom yelling, “I need to change, this shall only take a minute. Nick- can you ask Mr Poe to wait for me?”

Nick had intended to pass on the message. But it so happened that right after Klyde spoke, the tv in another room (the house was so small that anytime the tv was on it could be heard in every room) started playing a documentary about tidepools. So, Nick decided to find Susie to show her too, since that was an interest the pair shared. But, on the way to Susie, Nick noticed Violet's cardigan draped over the back of a chair, which reminded him that he’d left his own jacket in Edgar and Albert’s room. So he’d rushed upstairs to fetch it, and by the time he came back down again he’d forgotten all about Klyde’s message, and instead Nick simply hopped into the back of Mr Poe’s car.

Nick decided there was no point in dragging up the past. So when Lilac asked “Can anyone remember when we saw him last?”, Nick just shrugged and made and made an ‘I have no idea’ face.

Lilac sighed, “Our brother must still be in your house, Mr Poe, we’ll have to go back for him.”

“Or you could keep him,” said Count Olaf, then, “wait- the missing kid isn’t the eldest, is he?”

“No,” Mr Poe coughed, “the eldest are Lily, Veruca, and the blonde one. They are identical triplets.”

“The fuc-”

“Language, Veronica!” Lilac cleared her throat, and mustered as much politeness as she had left, “I’m the eldest, sorry we haven’t properly introduced. My name is Lilac Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Violet, Veronica, Lau-”

“YAWN.” Count Olaf did not actually yawn. He just said the word ‘yawn’ very loudly for dramatic effect. It was quite rude.

“Well, I can tell you all are growing rather tired, so I won’t keep you any longer,” said Mr Poe, straightening his lapels.

“But what about Klyde?” Klaus said.

One corner of Count Olaf’s mouth began to twitch, “Perhaps we could use some of your enormous fortune to purchase your poor wealthy lost sibling a bus ticket? And whilst we are out finding him, we may as well use some of the money to pick up a few items to spruce up my humble abode, I realise it’s not as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion.”

With the topic having changed to money, Mr Poe looked -for the first time- like he actually gave a shit, “Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune is not to be used for such matters. The Baudelaire will is very specific as to how the children are to be raised in case of an unfortunate event.”

“Ah, yes, the fire.” Something about the way their guardian uttered the word fire made the children feel cold, as though a troupe of ghosts had slid ice cubes down their backs.

Mr Poe coughed again, “And every cent of the Baudelaire fortune is locked up until Lilac comes of age.”

“…Alright then,” Olaf gritted out.

“Mr Poe, how’s Klyde going to get here?” Violet inquired.

“Hmm…” the banker glanced at his watch, “I don’t want to get behind on my schedule, so I’ll drop little Klyde off after work. Goodbye, my dears.”

“…Goodbye,” Lilac responded hesitantly. Nobody else said anything.

Chapter Text

The moment the banker stepped outside Olaf slammed the door behind him with a resounding click. He then stalked towards the children, eyes gleaming menacingly, “Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, aren’t you going to say ‘How do you do?’ to your new guardian?”

“How do you do?” Said Violet, trying to sound polite. Count Olaf extended his hand towards Lilac, who shook it quickly and felt the urge to wash her hands afterwards. Nick, Klaus, Larry, and the babies all eyed their new guardian suspiciously as he stepped forward, leaning down till he was eye level to Sunny (who was held by Klaus). Veronica stared at the floor. Laurie peered at a yellowing plant near the stairs, wondering if it was wilted beyond repair or if she could heal it. She tore her gaze away from it when Olaf’s mouth opened to reveal a set of yellow teeth, and he said,

“Better and better, Baudelaires. Better and better.”

Olaf straightened, rising to his full height. Then he turned his attention to Nick, grasping the boy’s face between his greasy fingers and turning it,

“Your left side is the good one.” Olaf stated, releasing his grip with a flourish. Nick looked bewildered, and he held Solitude a little tighter.

Count Olaf then reached into his pocket, and dramatically whipped out a scroll of paper which was so long it fell to the floor when it unravelled. “Do you know what this is?”

“It looks like a list.” Klaus answered.

“Wrong! It’s a list. A list of chores. Rich brats like you are probably spoiled rotten and have never done a chore in your life.”

“Actually, we often help around the house.” Lilac said. Veronica added, “I made a chart to avoid arguments”, remembering a time when the kids had played increasingly elaborate plans on each other for a full week after a dispute over whose turn it was to take out the trash.

“Really? Did you help around the house? That’s great.” Olaf’s voice was high-pitched and mocking. “Well, welcome to your lucky life.”

He then led them through his horrible house, showing them the different rooms all in states of disarray; Klaus willed himself not to cry as he looked around, and Laurie tried not to gag at the smells.

The kitchen was host to countertops that were more stain than surface, and were stacked high with dirty dishes. The ballroom floor was rotten and splintered (Count Olaf informed them they’d have to fix that, somehow.) The laundry room held washing lines of drying underwear that didn’t look washed. The closest thing resembling a book in the ‘library’ was a newspaper reminding the children that their parents were dead (Olaf told them he was going to frame it). Olaf led them upstairs, showing them rat-infested bathrooms. Nick spotted an extra set of stairs, ones which lead further up than where the Count had shown them.

“What’s that up there?”

Instead of answering, Olaf simply gave Nick a look that screamed ‘Don’t interrupt me’ then led them to a different room. Olaf stayed outside of the door as the kids trailed in. This room was freezing; wind blew in from gaps in the ceiling, the walls were slimy with mould, and the only furniture was one single rickety bed.

“This is where you will sleep, orphans.” Olaf remained in the hallway. Violet wondered if it was for dramatic effect or because he might genuinely not fit inside of the tiny room he’d just jammed eleven kids into.

It had started to rain. The roof did nothing to keep them dry. “It’s very…close to nature,” tried Laurie.

“Yes,” said Olaf, “and as you can see, I have provided at no cost to you, this complimentary pile of rocks. Thoughts?”

“Amazing,” Nick bit out sarcastically.

“Thoughts?” A huff of anger escaped Klaus’ lips, “First of all--”

Violet cut him off, “First of all, first impressions are often wrong.”

“Very true,” agreed Olaf, sounding much calmer than before. Laurie observed this carefully, trying to work out the ‘do’s and don’t’s’ of how to interact with their new guardian.

The Count continued, “For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you’ll come to realise…” He stepped closer, the floor of their room creaked under his weight, “you haven’t the faintest idea.”

With that, the man left, slamming the door behind him. The whole house shook.

Larry took off his hat, flicking the propellors with his hand in a miserable attempt to distract himself from their current circumstances. Violet took Sunny from Klaus and tried to reassure her.

“Well, I got a good feeling about this,” Nick said sarcastically.

“Nick,” Lilac said.

“What? He seems like a great guy. I mean, the room could use a little fixing up but that’s nothing some lumber, paint and rat traps couldn’t fix.” He walked over to the bed “Ooh, one bed! Fantastic.”

Susie burrowed her head in Lilac’s shoulder. “Nick, you’re scaring her.”

“I’m scaring her! Lilac, what are we doing here?!” He threw the suitcase onto the bed, and the floor creaked ominously, as though the house sensed the tension.

“Don’t do this,” Lilac urged.

Veronica folded her arms and met Nick’s eyes, “I hate it here too,” she said, then -after a short glance at her twin- she added, “but we have to keep our chin up.”

“ ‘Keep our chin up’ -Veronica, our parents are gone, our house burned down, and now we’re stuck with this guy! These things don’t just happen!”

“Well obviously they do!” Lilac shot, raising her voice. Violet stepped between them, “fighting isn’t going to do us any good,” she said, “I know everything’s been… a lot lately,but we need to stick together.”

“We Baudelaires take care of our own,” Laurie smiled sadly as she echoed something their parents used to say. Klaus placed a hand on her shoulder.

Nick fiddled with his sleeve, still frowning. Lilac closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “Okay,” she said, calmer, “you’re right. We Baudelaires take care of our own and we’re going to get through this and we’re going to be fine.”

“But look at this place!” Nick yelled, voice cracking. The house creaked in response, as if it heard and was deeply offended. Violet stared at the floor, narrowing her eyes.

“We can fix it,” Veronica insisted.

“Um,” said Larry, “Can you do it now?”

“How?!” Nick sat angrily on the bed (it was as soft as concrete), “we have no equipment, no cleaning products, no-”

“Nick, get off the bed!” Violet interrupted.

“Why?”

“Just do it!”

“Oh shit!” Veronica exclaimed, spotting the problem. Solitude yelled “Eek!”, and Laurie and Larry gasped.

A large crack had begun to form beneath the bed as the wood splintered under their weight. And the crack was growing.

“Everybody out!” Lilac started pushing her siblings out the door. Klaus grabbed Nick’s arm, dragging him out of shock to get him and Solitude to safety. Lilac was the last sibling left in the room. The wood gave a low but loud groan. Lilac’s face whitened, “Think fast!” She yelled. Veronica, knowing what this meant from years of siblinghood, caught baby Susie after Lilac threw her.

There was a loud crack. And then a shriek. And then, the most dreadful sound of all; a group of terrified children all screaming the same word: Lilac.

Chapter Text

Klyde fought back tears as Mr Poe pulled up in front of what was supposed to be his new home. He’d already spent all day yesterday crying after being forgotten, and a large portion of the past week crying too after Mr Poe kept came back from work too tired to make the drive to drop the archivist off. It had been a full eight days since Klyde had last seen his siblings.

Yet even though Klyde was going to be reunited with them, he found that another lump was forming in his throat, and his eyes began to yet again burn with tears, because the house looked more eery than Victor’s lab in the second most famous screen adaptation of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Also, Mr Poe drove off the moment the boy exited the vehicle, so Klyde felt painfully alone as he stood in front of a door with an eye drawing scratched onto it. What type of person carved an eye into their door?

Klyde straightened his bowtie, consulted his pocket watch, and then knocked on Count Olaf’s door, his knuckles rapping right in the middle of the carved eye. The door creaked open…there was nobody behind it. It seemed as though it simply hadn’t been shut properly by the last person who left.

Klyde stepped inside, something squelched underfoot and he let out a squeak upon realising it was the corpse of a tiny rodent.

“Hello!” Klyde called out, “Is…is anybody here?” A gust of wind blew the door shut behind him with a resounding bang. He squinted to make out his surroundings in the dim yellow light; there was debris everywhere; scraps of rotten wood on the staircase, on motheaten armchairs, and covering the floor of the entrance hall. Klyde tilted his head up and was met with the culprit; a gaping hole in the ceiling leading all the way up to roof.

“How peculiar…” Tentatively, he ventured further into the house. He found a matchbox and a candlestick discarded on a dilapidated ballroom floor and used them to help him see. It was strange for it to be so dark in here when it was still morning, but upon closer inspection, Klyde realised that all of the windows were covered in a thick layer of grime and dust which blocked any sunlight from streaming in like it wanted to.

“Count Olaf?” Klyde tried. No response.

“Lilac? Klaus?” Klyde’s voice got higher as his panic intensified, “Violet? Laurie?” He continued to list his siblings’ names, but the only noise he heard back in response were those names echoing back at him, and rats scurrying away from the commotion.

“I will think of this house like an archive,” He muttered, “any problem can be solved if approached in an organised manner.” He decided to start from the top of the house and work his way down. He almost missed the top floor, because the spiral staircase up to it was somewhat hidden. The room has a small window, and upon peering out of it, Klyde realised it was a tower room. It was obvious there was nothing in there but mess so Klyde decided to leave, but right before he stepped out of the doorway something caught his eye which made him turn and go back in.

Beside a mannequin in a poofy white dress, there was a desk. The desk was almost as cluttered as Veronica’s is was at home, but sitting in plain sight on top of scraps of newspapers featuring a man with a face too blurred to recognise, was a bronze cylinder. One with an eye on the top. Klyde picked the object up, carefully turning it over in his hands, “a spyglass? Is this the same as the one Klaus found?” There were dials on the side inscribed with letters of the Greek alphabet. Klyde was just about to turn them when he heard the spiral stairs leading up to the tower room begin to creak under the weight of footsteps.

Time to see what kind of person his new guardian was. Klyde hoped that, much like you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, he shouldn’t judge his guardian by his house. After all, Klyde knew that the worst surroundings in the world can be tolerated if the people in them are interesting and kind. The archivist set down the spyglass where he had found it, and straightened his posture, preparing to give this Count Olaf person a proper handshake and a polite ‘how do you do?’ to make a good first impression like his parents had taught him. But when the door swung open, Klyde found that before he could do any of those things, he had been wrapped in a warm and tight hug.

“Klyde! You’re back! I thought I heard someone up here so I thought I’d better go and check. I’m so sorry we forgot you!” It was Laurie.

“It’s alright,” Klyde said once they pulled apart again, “where is everyone? What’s Count Olaf like? Are our bedrooms nice?”

“So many questions!” Laughed Laurie, leading him down the stairs, “I’ll fill you in.”

Apparently, their new guardian is so horrible that Larry and Laurie had taken to referring to him as ‘Old Man Grumpus’ when he wasn’t around, and Nick had taken to calling him ‘asshole’ when he was. According to Laurie, the Count’s initial plan was to have all twelve children sleep together in a tiny bedroom upstairs but the floor couldn’t hold their weight and it collapsed, almost bringing Lilac down with it but thankfully Violet had grabbed hold of her arm last minute and they were able to pull her to safety.

“By tally!” Klyde exclaimed, “that’s terrible!”

“Oh, it’s not all bad,” Laurie said lightly, “we have to do a lot of chores, but I had ideas for how to make it fun, and Violet was able to invent a way to make those ideas a reality! Like yesterday we cleaned the East Wing’s hallway by strapping soapy sponges to our feet and skating!”

“Where are we supposed to sleep now that our bedroom collapsed?”

“Old Man Grumpus gave us a room on the ground floor, it’s next to the kitchen.”

“I was on the ground floor when I first came in, and I called out for you all. Were you all ignoring me?” Klyde started to feel a little irritated. It was one thing to be accidentally left behind at the Poe’s house, but it was quite another for his siblings to intentionally ignore him.

“Oh! No, of course not, Klyde, we wouldn’t do that. We were just out of the house for a bit; we went to the marketplace with our neighbour to pick up a few ingredients for dinner. We’re cooking tonight, by the way.”

Klyde smiled a little, “Please tell me Veronica is not included in that ‘we’, you know what she’s like in the kitchen.”

Laurie laughed, “It’s time she learnt how to make more than toast, I think.”

Klyde knew when they were near the kitchen because he could hear his siblings’ voices overflowing from it. He and Laurie raced eachother there; Laurie won, swinging open the door and singing, “Klyde’s back!!!”

There was a chorus of “Klyde!”s as his siblings rushed to hug him and to apologise.

“So,” Klyde said, peering into a brown paper grocery bag that was sitting on the counter, “what are we making?”

Nick grinned and proudly proclaimed, “Prostitute pasta!”

“What?!” Klyde spluttered.

Judging by how Lilac groaned, this was obviously not the first time Nick had made that joke.

“It’s called Pasta Puttanesca; it’s Italian,” Explained Klaus, “I found the recipe in a cookbook in our neighbour’s house; her name is Justice Strauss and she has a library.”

“And a garden with vegetable and flower patches,” Laurie added dreamily.

Lilac clapped her hands together, “Violet; time check”

“We have half an hour till dinner’s supposed to be served. I’ve managed to fix the pasta maker.”

“Thank you. Alright, we’ll need two pots if we’re making enough for us and the theatre troupe.”

“Theatre troupe?” Klyde questioned, and Klaus filled him in; Count Olaf is out of the house now but he’s coming back with a theatre troupe and expects to be served dinner on arrival.

“This will do,” said Violet, dragging a pot from the corner of a cupboard onto the counter. “Now we just need one more.”

Soli babbled “Voilá,” setting an oddly shaped container next to Lilac.

“Soli, that’s not a pot. It’s a spittoon.” Nick said.

Lilac pulled a face, “A spittoon? You mean, like…”

Nick turned to face his sister and nodded solemnly. Lilac raised her eyebrows, “We’ll wash it twice.”

Larry piped in with one of his incredibly rare decent ideas, “Let’s use the spittoon for Old Man Grumpus’s food and the normal pot for ours.”

Whilst Lilac and Laurie divided the pasta into the pots, Violet repaired a gas leak on the stove, Veronica grounded up something (probably basil? Klyde figured, although he didn’t know for sure because he didn’t look closely), Nick stirred the sauce, Larry peeled and pitted the olives, Klaus passed a tin of tomatoes for Solitude to open, Sunny watched fascinatedly, Lil’ Linda slept curled up in an apron on the counter, and Susie banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself.

All twelve of the children felt less miserable than they had since their arrival at Count Olaf’s. The smell of cooking food was a calming one, and the kitchen grew cosy as the sauce simmered.

“Well?” Asked Lilac, looking to Nick who was stirring sauce on the hob.

Nick raised the stirring spoon to his mouth and tried a bit, “It’s good,” he smiled, “It’s really good.”

Because she was looking in Nick’s direction, Lilac spotted Veronica as she approached the spittoon, holding her hands over it in a way which made it obvious she was hiding something in them.

Lilac put her hands on her hips, “What’s in your hand.”

“Secret ingredient,” Veronica shrugged.

“Show me.”

Veronica opened her hands to reveal a pile of ground up glass resting on a tissue. “I’m abouta make this the dinner of a lifetime.”

“Veronica, no.”

“You’re such a fun sponge,” Veronica sighed, tossing the glass she planned to poison the dish with into the trash.

“Olives are ready,” Larry announced, walking over to the pots and pouring them in as Nick stirred.

“Wait-Larry stop!”

Nick’s warning came too late. Larry had already poured everything in. Nick groaned loudly, and tried in vain to scoop the added ingredients out.

“What’s wrong?” Asked Violet.

“See for yourself.”

The children all gathered around the two pots of bubbling red sauce, and saw that there were lots of small black spheres swimming below the surface.

“Oh…Larry, when you pitted the olives you were supposed to add the skin to the sauce, not the pits.” Lilac sighed.

“Oh,” Larry said, “well, it’s all Klaus’s fault because he’s the one who chose such a confusing recipe.”

“Don’t blame me! And it only seems confusing to you because you never read.”

“Yeah, I do! I read ‘Where’s Waldo’ twice! He’s what inspired my fashion sense,” Larry tugged on his red and white striped shirt as if this were some sort of grand showcase of indisputable intelligence.

Klaus waved his hand exasperatedly, “ ‘Where’s Waldo’ does not count! It is of absolutely no literary merit!”

“Shut up,” interrupted Violet, “We can just fish out the pits and add the edible bit of the olive; Larry, what did you do with those parts?”

“I ate them.”

The room erupted in groans.

“We’ll have to substitute with salt,” supplied Laurie, “it won’t be the same but it’ll be better than nothing.”

“Good thinking,” said Violet, reaching for the salt shaker and shaking in a generous amount. Nick stirred, and Veronica dipped a finger in to taste test, “Why’s it sweet?”

Violet tipped a little of the white substance from the salt shaker onto her fingertip and licked it, “It’s sugar,” she exclaimed, “why on earth would Count Olaf store sugar in a salt shaker? It doesn’t make any sense!”

Klaus frowned a little, like he often did when he was trying to remember something, “I think I recall him saying something about being unable to find the sugarbowl, so I guess he must have decided to keep his sugar in that salt shaker instead.”

Violet and Klaus looked at eachother, both equally baffled, and then they dissolved into fits of giggles.

Suddenly, the children heard the front door burst open, and they heard a large group of loud and drunk sounding adults march into the dining room. They heard the theatre troupe pounding their fists on the table, and then Olaf shouted, “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO EAT?”

The children went silent, mood falling like a caravan off a cliff-edge.

“There’s no time to remove the pits,” Whispered Violet, nervously.

“I guess they’ll just have to eat around them,” Lilac responded, sounding more confident than she felt, “I’ll carry the sauce, Violet you serve the pasta, Veronica, Nick and Klaus hand out the plates, then Laurie, Klyde and Larry- you three give the theatre troupe their cutlery.”

The kids moved into action, Nick holding Solitude in one arm and a stack of plates in the other, Klaus doing the same thing but with Susie, and Violet held Sunny in one arm and the pasta dish in the other. Lilac decided to leave Lil’ Linda where she was, because the noise from the theatre troupe hadn’t woken her so she was still sleeping peacefully.

They lined through the double doors and into the dining room, announcing “Dinner is served.”

The theatre troupe was talking and cackling, drinking again and again from their wine cups and paying no attention to the Baudelaires as they served everyone dinner. Veronica stared miserably at Count Olaf’s plate and wished Lilac hadn’t stopped her from poisoning his serving. When Olaf finally finished monologuing to his troupe, he glanced down at his plate unimpressed and asked, “Where’s the roast beef?”

Nick looked nervously to Lilac then said, “Roast beef?” at the same time as Klaus said “What?!”

“The roast beef.” Count Olaf enunciated every syllable, acting as though the children were particularly dense.

Lilac’s voice shook a little, “…But you didn’t tell us you wanted roast beef…”

Klyde had known this Count Olaf person was mean because of what his siblings had told him since they had reunited, but he had not realised until this point that they (even Lilac) were frightened of the man. And that made his blood boil. Laurie chewed her lip, wanting to do something but feeling too anxious to try. Veronica slammed the last plate onto the table with unnecessary force then stated “We didn’t make roast beef, we made puttanesca sauce.”

“What?” Count Olaf scoffed, “No roast beef?” He slid towards the children so that he looked even taller than he was, his eyes shining menacingly, “In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. And as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with.”

Nick and Klaus shook with anger. Lilac felt icy cold fear running down her spine and placed a hand on Laurie’s arm in an attempt to comfort the gardener who had paled considerably and looked even more scared than Lilac. Veronica tried to subtly restrain Larry who had been reaching for Olaf’s pasta; whether to throw it at him or if Larry were simply feeling peckish Veronica did not know. Klyde tapped his fingers against his breeches in a repetitive motion, uncertain of the situation. Violet held Sunny closer, trying to ignore how the bald man from the theatre troupe was leering at her.

“I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests at once!” Count Olaf roared.

“We don’t have any,” Violet bit out.

“No! No! No!” Susie shouted.

Count Olaf looked down at Susie, who had spoken so suddenly. With an inhuman roar he tore her from Klaus’s arms and raised her high in the air. Needless to say, Susie was very frightened and began to cry.

“Put her down!” Nick demanded, and Violet ordered “Let her go!”

“Release her immediately, you beast!” Klyde cried, jumping up trying to rescue Susie from the Count’s grasp, but the man was holding her too high for him to reach. Lilac, Laurie and Veronica held their arms up to catch Susie in case Olaf dropped her. Larry ran away to hide in the kitchen.

Solitude leaned forwards from where Nick was holding her and bit Olaf’s leg. That only made the man angrier and he reached down to snatch Solitude too, but before he could, Nick stepped away, setting Solitude down on the other side of the room where she was out of reach. Nick glared daggers all the while.

The Count lowered Susie, placing her on a plate of rotten fruit on the table. Lilac rushed to pick her up, whispering “It’s okay, you’re okay,” to the distressed infant.

“We’re leaving for rehearsals,” the vile man announced to his troupe, then, without even bothering to look at them, Olaf addressed the Baudelaires, “you orphans are to wash the dishes, polish the silver, rinse out all the wine bottles, and then you are to go straight to your beds.”

“What beds?!”  Nick burst, stalking closer to the Count whilst shaking with anger, “You only provided us with one bed. And then it broke when it fell through the floor and you couldn’t be bothered to do shit to fix it or to give us another one!”

The room went deadly silent. Olaf paused from drinking his wine, then set his cup down and slowly turned to face Nick, “If you want another bed, tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one.”

“With what money?!”

“The money from the enormous fortune which you eleven lucky orphans are inheriting.” Count Olaf’s face grew red as he spoke.

“You won’t get a cent until Lilac turns eightee-” Nick didn’t get to finish his sentence, because in one sudden movement, Count Olaf reached down and struck him across the face. Nick crumpled onto the ground, his face inches from the eye tattooed on Olaf’s left ankle. His left cheek, where Olaf had struck him, felt as if it were on fire. The theatre troupe applauded. The siblings ran to Nick’s side, and Lilac shouted “How could you?! You monster!” at Olaf, who took no notice and instead leaned down, taking Nick’s face between his bony fingers and turning it as he had when they first met.

“Now your right side is the good one,” Count Olaf smirked. With that, he and his theatre troupe exited the room, leaving the children in shock.

Klaus leaned down, looking worriedly at his twin, “Are you alright?”

Violet offered a hand to help Nick to his feet, but he shook his head, getting up by himself and shaking his head furiously, “This,” Nick spat, “is not better than nothing. This is bullshit!”

He was right. They all knew it.

“We’re going to call Mr Poe about this right now,” said Lilac.

Veronica shook her head ruefully, “The telephone’s broken. Wires are completely busted. If I had the right equipment I could fix it, but I don’t.”

“Then we’ll go into the city tomorrow,” Violet said, “Mr Poe said we could contact him at the bank at any time if there was ever any trouble.”

“Okay,” Nick agreed, “yeah, let’s do that.”

Laurie handed Nick a half-used bag of frozen onions wrapped in a rag, “I- I thought it might help…” So quietly that nobody heard, she added “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” Nick muttered, then the children cleaned the dishes and went to their room to lie on the hard and freezing floor, trying to sleep but not succeeding very well.

Chapter Text

The next morning, the Baudelaires awoke and went to the kitchen as they did every morning in Count Olaf’s house. There, they found the Count had left a note telling them the chores they needed to complete that day.

“Chop wood,” read Klyde, “why on earth would Count Olaf need us to chop wood?”

“He just likes us to suffer,” answered Veronica, slumping into a chair.

“Or, maybe it’s to repair the massive hole in the ceiling from where our room fell apart,” Lilac suggested while she heated up some leftover pasta from the night before to serve as breakfast.

“It doesn’t matter what it’s for, because we’re not doing it,” Nick stated matter-of-factly.

Klaus chewed his lip, then said, “I-I’m not certain it’s a wise idea to disobey Count Olaf,” he glanced at his twin, “not after what happened yesterday.”

Laurie spoke up, “but it’ll be okay, cause we won’t have to put up with him anymore. As soon as we go to Mr Poe, he’ll send us somewhere else and then we’ll never have to deal with Old Man Grumpus again.”

“Yeah!” Larry cheered.

“I suppose you’re right,” Klaus conceded. After all, Mr Poe was an adult, and he was in charge of them, so it was quite literally his job to ensure the Baudelaires were placed in a safe and secure environment rather than living with a madman whose house was falling apart. Lilac divided the pasta into bowls, and poured milk into cups for the infants, and they all sat and breakfasted at the long dining table the troupe had used the night prior.

“It’s like he’s mocking us,” Nick complained, crumpling the chores list in his fist.

“What do you mean?” Violet asked.

“He keeps signing these with an eye. The same eye we keep seeing everywhere. It’s like he knows we don’t know what it means so he keeps shoving it in our faces.”

Klaus took the cylinder out of his pocket, setting it on the table as Nick unscrunched the note so their siblings could see that the eye design on the object Klaus found in the ruins of their parents’ home was the same as Count Olaf’s drawing. A clang sounded from one end of the table; Klyde had dropped his fork, his mouth was shaped like an ‘o’. “I meant to mention this earlier, but we were so busy that I forgot to…that cylinder is half of a spyglass. I found one that looks just like it in the tower room.”

Nick stood up quickly, “Show us.” Klyde, Nick, and Klaus left to investigate.

“Olaf said we’re forbidden from entering the tower room under any circumstances, do you think it was because he didn’t want us finding the spyglass?” Queried Klaus, who lagged behind Nick who had already climbed to the top of the stairs and swung the door open.

“Perhaps,” said Klyde, “there didn’t appear to be anything else of note in there when I last checked; although I was rather rushed.”

“There’s just a huge magnifying glass, a bunch of mess and theatre costumes in here,” Nick complained, pushing a mannequin wearing a white dress to the side so he could reach a closed chest behind it. Moments before Nick could open the chest, Klaus and Klyde had finally caught up, and Klyde stated, “here it is,” picking the spyglass up off a cluttered desk which Nick had barely glanced at. The floorboards began to creak, so the boys -not wanting to risk it- raced out of the tower room and back down to the kitchen where the rest of their siblings had just finished eating.

“Let me see,” said Nick. Klyde brought the spyglass closer to his face, examining it, “In a minute. Hmm.. do these letters look Greek to you?”

“Yeah, they are.” Klaus confirmed.

Violet, Laurie, Veronica and Larry gathered round them to get a closer look. Lilac looked torn between joining them and encouraging Linda to have more milk. In the end, she chose Linda.

“What would our parents need a spyglass for?” Veronica frowned.

“Maybe they were planning to take up bird-watching?” Laurie suggested.

“Father was frightened of birds,” said Violet, “remember how we were supposed to go for a hot-air-balloon ride for Larry’s eighth birthday but then father called it off after spotting a flock of eagles?”

“A convocation; a group of eagles isn’t called a ‘flock’, it’s called a convocation.” Klaus corrected

“I don’t care,” Violet dismissed him, “Li, when are we going to see Mr Poe?”

Lilac hoisted Sunny up onto her hip, “As soon as possible. Klyde, you’re organised so you can help me pack. The rest of you can clear the table and make sure the babies are changed and ready to go.”

“On it,” Veronica saluted. The kids did as she said, although Solitude unexpectedly helped them to clear the table (as she considered herself to be more of a toddler than a baby) via determinedly carrying one singular spoon with both hands and toddling over to the kitchen where she threw it in the air, hoping it would land in the sink. It did not. Nobody was quite sure where it ended up.

Before long, the Baudelaires had left Count Olaf’s house behind them, boarded a trolley, and entered the city; finding the bank Mr Poe worked in after about half an hour of searching. The secretary -a woman named Jacquelyn Scieszka- was both polite and efficient, allowing them into Mr Poe’s office after only a few brief questions. The children figured this may have been because she was in a rush, as she exited the building shortly after pointing the Baudelaires in the direction of Mr Poe’s office.

The Baudelaires filed in; Lilac carrying their suitcase, Violet carrying Sunny, Veronica carrying Susie, Klaus cradling Lil’ Linda, and Solitude sitting contentedly on Nick’s shoulders.

Mr Poe’s office was even more cramped than his house; the walls were covered in towering steel filing cabinets from top to bottom, and his desk took up the width of the room. There were three comfortable chairs opposite the desk, which Veronica, Violet, and Klyde sank into. Nick chose to sit on the armrest of Violet’s seat, but everyone else stood.

Mr Poe looked up from his paperwork with a puzzled expression, “Why, hello,” he coughed.

“Hello,” Lilac greeted, shaking the banker’s hand, “how do you do?”

Mr Poe opened his mouth to speak, then hesitated, holding a finger up to excuse himself while he took several deep breaths, gearing up for a cough which didn’t come. Finally, he said, “I’m very busy today. So I don’t have much time to chat. Next time you should call ahead of time when you plan on being in the neighbourhood, and I will put some time aside to take you to lunch.”

“We didn’t come here for lunch,” Nick snapped.

Lilac adopted a more polite tone, “We’re sorry we didn’t contact you before we stopped by, but we…we are in a rather difficult situation.”

“It’s urgent,” Veronica insisted.

“It’s more than urgent, it’s an emergency,” Klaus said.

“An emergency?” Mr Poe spluttered, then sighed, “very well, but I’m busy. My secretary has a habit of taking days off which she swears I permitted, so I have been forced to hire a personal assistant. However, the only person available for hire was an underemployed artist with no prior experience who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances. Plus, I’ve already had to reschedule a haircut several times, what can I do for you?”

Violet scoffed at how Mr Poe made it so obvious he found their danger tedious.

“Count Olaf is a madman,” Klyde declared, getting straight to the point, “We cannot stay with him.”

“He struck Nick across the face. See his bruise?” Veronica said, but just as she said it, the telephone rang, in a shrill wail. Susie squirmed at the noise.

“Excuse me,” said Mr Poe, picking up the phone, “Poe here. What? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Thank you.” He hung up the phone and looked at the Baudelaires as if he had forgotten they were there.

“I’m sorry,” Mr Poe said, “what were we talking about?”

The children’s faces morphed into various expressions of irritated disbelief.

“Oh, yes, Count Olaf,” Mr Poe remembered, “I’m sorry you don’t have a good first impression of him.”

“He only provided us with one bed,” Klaus stated.

“He makes us do a great many difficult chores,” Violet said.

“He drinks too much wine,” Klyde complained.

“Unuh!” Sunny shrieked, meaning ‘he’s a lush!’

The phone rang again. And, yet again, the banker ignored the children in favour of picking it up, “Excuse me. Poe here. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Anything but seven.” He hung up and quickly wrote something down. “Children, everyone at some time in their life, wishes they were being raised by people different than the ones who were raising you. When I was a little boy, I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor.”

“He calls us orphans!” Lilac protested.

Mr Poe looked at her as if she were a bit dense, and slowly stated, “You are orphans.”

“He has terrible friends!” Nick yelled

“I have terrible friends. Also, I am going to need to ask you to keep your volume down whilst you are in my office, Nicholas.”

“My name’s Nick.”

“Poko!” Susie exclaimed, meaning ‘He’s clearly after our fortune!’

“Eepy!” Solitude cried, this translated to ‘He’s scary and he hurt Nick!’

“He’s always grumpy and he only ever says nasty things to me!” Larry folded his arms, “Plus, he doesn’t have any ponies or horses; not even toy ones!”

Mr Poe put up his hands to indicate he had heard enough. “Children, children,” he said, “You must give yourselves time to adjust to your new home. You’ve only been there a few days.”

Lilac straightened, “We’ve been there long enough to know Count Olaf’s a bad man.”

Mr Poe sighed, and looked at each of the twelve children. His face was kind, but it didn’t look like he really believed what the Baudelaires were saying, “Are you familiar with the term ‘in loco parentis’?” he asked.

“It sounds like Latin,” said Klaus.

“Something about trains?” Klyde guessed based off the word ‘loco’.

“Latin and legal,” the banker coughed, “It means acting in the role of a parent.’ It is a legal term that applies to Count Olaf. The actor is acting as your parent.”

“But our parents never acted so nasty,” said Larry.

Mr Poe continued, “As your legal guardian, Count Olaf may raise you using any method he sees fit. So I’m sorry if your parents didn’t make you do household chores, or if you like their friends better than you like Count Olaf’s friends. But there are certain things you must get used to.”

The children stared for a second. Just stared. Then Lilac turned to her siblings, seething, “Let’s go, he isn’t going to help us.” Lilac began to walk to the door, but Laurie stayed where she was, and they all stopped when she spoke for the first time that meeting.

“I- I don’t understand,” said Laurie, looking down at the cloth hairband in her hands which she was fidgeting with, “you’re supposed to help us. You’re an adult and that’s your job. You’re supposed to keep us safe.”

Mr Poe said nothing.

“Couldn’t you at least ask if someone else wants to adopt us?” Laurie pleaded.

“I can’t imagine anyone would be willing to take in twelve orphans on such short notice, especially not when those orphans already have a home.”

“But you have to try!” Cried Laurie, “you have to!”

Mr Poe cleared his throat and declared, unconvincingly, “I’ll see what I can do.” He then said, “I hate to usher you out posthaste, but I have very much work to do. Posthaste means-”

“It means you don’t give a shit,” scowled Veronica, marching out of the door… and straight into the hooks of Mr Poe’s new ‘personal assistant’.

“I’ll have my new assistant give you a ride home!” Mr Poe smiled, either not noticing or not caring about how the children all froze at the sight of the hookhanded man.

Chapter Text

When they arrived back at the house, the hookhanded man shoved the Baudelaires into their bedroom and locked the door. Lilac let their suitcase thump to the ground and then sat ontop of it, deflated, “Does anyone have a hairclip I can use to pick that lock?”

Violet’s eyes widened, “Are we actually going to run away?”

“Hell yeah!” Nick cheered.

Lilac shook her head, “What? No, of course not, don’t be ridiculous.  That would be completely irresponsible and dangerous. Who knows what would happen to us on the streets?”

“Then wh-”

Lilac cut Violet off, annoyed, “I’m just going to try and chop up the wood like Count Olaf told us to before he realises we disobeyed him.”

“Ugh” Nick groaned.

Lilac glared at him, “I’m just trying to keep the peace. Besides, maybe if we put in a really good effort to please him then we’ll make a good impression and he’ll be easier on us.”

“Lilac,” said Nick, “we broke the floor. I don’t think we could paint over that first impression even if we wanted to. And I really don’t want to. All I want to do is hurl encyclopaedias at him and all of his terrible friends.”

“I don’t think the theatre troupe are that bad, some of them are trying to be nice at least,” said Laurie, bouncing Lil’ Linda gently in her arms as she paced.

“You would stick up for anyone, Laurie,” scoffed Klyde, “even if they obviously didn’t deserve it.”

Laurie rolled her eyes, “Well, I’m not just saying it. I have my reasons. The bald man called me pretty once, so I think he must like us at least a little.” Her older sisters froze, and Nick narrowed his eyes.

Veronica’s face darkened, “He said what?”

Carefully, Lilac asked, “Did he…did he say anything else?”

Laurie stopped pacing for a split second, then continued, “Just a warning.”

“…What sort of a warning?” Violet questioned, alarmed.

“Just about Olaf. ‘Bout keeping out of his way,” Laurie shrugged, “he was just making sure we stayed out of harm’s way.”

Veronica walked over to Laurie and tried to put a comforting hand on her arm, but Laurie stepped away, frowning, “It wasn’t anything bad,” she insisted, “why do you always have to make out like everything’s so serious all of the time?”

Veronica sighed, and stepped away again, tossing a hairclip to Lilac. While the eldest Baudelaire worked on picking the lock, Klaus slumped against a wall, sitting with his head resting on his knees. Nick dropped to sit beside him, letting Klaus rest his head on his shoulder instead. Quietly, Klaus mumbled, “I don’t want to live here. I don’t think any place with a man like Count Olaf could ever feel like home.”

Nick hugged him, and Violet hunkered down, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Klaus continued, words slightly muffled through Nick’s embrace, “Father… Father always said home is where you hang your hat… now we don’t even own a hat…”

“I do!” Larry boasted from the opposite end of the room, hovering a few centimetres in the air with his propellor hat. Klaus gently pushed himself out of the hug, stood up, walked to the middle of the room where the suitcase was, picked it up, and hurled it at Larry, missing on purpose.

“Lilaaaaaac! Klaus hit me!”

Lilac dropped the hairclip, frustrated, “Can you all not look after yourselves for two seconds?!”

Veronica went over to where the hairclip lay, then picked it up and picked the lock herself.

“Oh joy, now we get to chop wood.” Nick deadpanned.

Violet tied her hair back with a ribbon, “It shouldn’t take too long with all of us helping. I was thinking that perhaps I could invent some sort of wood chopper. Veronica, could you help me with it? I think the blades would spin most effectively if they relied on electric energy as opposed to kinetic.”

“Sure thing. I’m going to go find some tools I saw yesterday which I think could come in handy,” Veronica ventured out into the hall.

“I’ll help you look,” Violet made to follow, but her sister just held up a hand and waved her off, “ ‘s alright. It’ll only take a minute. I’ll meet you out by the logs.”

“Be careful,” Lilac warned. Veronica just rolled her eyes and left.

She walked briskly, and entered the dismal room Count Olaf had called the library. In the corner of the room, an electric fan shuddered as it blew dust and magazine scraps across the floor. Veronica was glad it hadn’t broken yet; it meant the power cord was still in a usable condition. She walked over to it, tying her hair up with a ribbon on the way, then turned the switch off so she could dismantle the fan for the parts she needed.

“Hmm, I’ll need something to function as a screwdriver,” she muttered. She required something with a flat edge she could jam into one of the screwheads on the side pipe so she could retrieve the power cord without damaging it. She slid open the drawer of an end-table; there’s no screwdriver (not that she’d really been expecting to find one) but there is a fragment of broken glass (from a smashed wine bottle) about the size of her foot. Carefully, Veronica picked the shard up, and slotted a smaller jagged bit into a screw. A prickle ran down her spine. Slowly, she straightened, and turned around. The room was dimly lit, but with the meagre amount of green-tinged sunlight that trickled through the grimy windows, Veronica could make out the looming silhouette of the bald man in the doorway.

Her grip around the shard tightened. The bald man just stood there staring at her like she was an animal in an exhibit.

‘The bald man called me pretty once, so I think he must like us at least a little.’

Laurie’s words echoed in Veronica’s head, filling her with burning rage. How dare he? Laurie may have been naïve, but Veronica was not. She glared the man directly in the eyes then hissed, “My sister told me what you said to her. You are disgusting, and if you so much as look in her direction I’ll kill you.”

Air huffed out of the bald man’s nose. It took Veronica a second to realise he was laughing. “It’s cute when pretty little girls like you try to sound big.”

Her stomach churned. It must have shown on her face because the bald man laughed again, raggedly. Veronica held the glass shard up so it glinted in the light, looking even sharper, “I’m serious,” she growled, “don’t underestimate me. If you lay a finger on any of us I’ll cut your hand off and you’ll have to ask your other acting buddy if you can borrow one of his hooks.”

The bald man faltered, as if he had sensed something wild in the teen and was considering the possibility that she may be more predator than prey. Veronica let that wild thing take over, imagining that lightning ran through her veins, and that she could summon it to fry beasts like him where they stood. She stalked closer, grip tight around the shard. The bald man looked at it, then at her, and then he stomped off into the shadowy hallway, becoming lost in darkness and distance.

This time, Veronica closed the door before going to gather the parts she needed. She herself felt a little fragmented after the encounter; one part of her felt victorious, another felt apprehensive like the bald man was going to get his revenge, and a third part felt as though she was still being watched. That last part would never go away.

Once she finally had the power cord, she pocketed it and tossed the shard back into the drawer, then ventured outside. The piles of wood to be chopped were waiting for her, but her siblings were not.

Chapter Text

Veronica found her siblings in the kitchen; Larry was galloping in circles, and Laurie was speaking excitedly to Lilac, who did not reciprocate the emotion and instead looked highly uncomfortable.

“What’s going on? Why aren’t we chopping wood?” The electrician asked, moving a half-eaten bowl of raspberries out of the way then pushing herself up to sit beside Violet on the countertop.

“We’re going to be in a play!” Laurie beamed.

“Oh,” Veronica frowned, wondering why everyone apart from Laurie, Larry and the babies looked so dismayed, “I take it Vi, Li and I are gonna build the sets and control the lighting?” This could actually be exciting. Lilac shook her head, and Violet sighed, “That’s what I suggested, but Count Olaf won’t allow us. He says we-… he’s making us perform on stage.”

Laurie jumped in, “Even Justice Strauss is taking part! She’s acting the role of a judge! Then Larry asked if he could be a horse and Count Olaf said he didn’t care, so now Larry is -as you can see- very excited! Then since the play is about a marriage, the rest of us are gonna act as wedding attendees!”

“Apart from me. I am to act the role of his bride,” Lilac blurted, as if saying the words quickly would draw less attention to them. She looked a little sick.

“That’s not… this can’t be right,” Veronica caught Klaus’s eye and clarified, “I mean morally speaking, not factually.”

Nick nodded, “Olaf’s up to something alright. Everything happens for a reason, and as wonderful as Olaf is, I don’t think he’d cast us in a play just cause Mr Poe rang to tell him we ‘weren’t settling in very well’’.”

“Mr Poe told him about that?” Veronica had hoped their meeting would be taken in confidence.

“Van Eck!” Shrieked Solitude, meaning, ‘He’s Mr Poe, of course he told him everything.’

In the corner, Klyde tugged exasperatedly on the hem of his blazer, “Count Olaf is after the fortune we will inherit, but I don’t understand what good it does to him to have us be in his stupid play. I wish we knew more about inheritance law.”

Klaus adjusted his glasses, “I know a place where we can research.”

***

Justice Strauss was absolutely delighted to welcome the children inside when Lilac rang her doorbell. Entering the judge’s home, with its walls lined floor to ceiling with bookshelves, and healthy plants blooming by every gleaming window, was a breath of fresh air compared to the Count’s mouldy house, on both a literal and a figurative level.

“It smells a little like home,” Klyde whispered to Veronica (unlike the others, it was his first time visiting).

“It’s probably the books,” she whispered back, “and the vegetable and flower patches right outside.”

“Are you here to continue your research?” Justice asked as the siblings sank into various comfortable armchairs in her library.

“Actually, we’re here to research something else,” replied Lilac, adjusting a cushion so it supported the arm she held Susie in.

“Do you have any books on the theatre?” Violet inquired.

“Or about the law?” Added Nick.

“And -most importantly- do you have this year’s My Little Pony annual?” Larry asked.

“Hmm, well unfortunately I don’t have that annual, Larry-”

“UGH,” Larry flopped dramatically onto the floor and rolled around making angry noises.

“Ignore him,” said Lilac, feeling frustrated that Larry had decided to embarrass them like this now when he hadn’t thrown a tantrum like that over something so small since he was very little. In truth, Larry wasn’t even that upset about the annual. Really, he just wanted the nice judge lady to keep paying attention to him. It felt like centuries since a kind adult had listened to him for more than five seconds.

Justice Strauss hesitated for a moment then continued like there wasn’t a ten-year-old throwing a tantrum on her floor, “However I do have a whole shelf dedicated to theatrical texts, as well as an entire case filled with legal books! Although are you sure you sure you wish to read the law? Even I don’t like reading such books, and I work at the High Court.”

Nick shrugged, “I need to read all the laws so I know which ones will be the most fun to break.”

Justice Strauss blinked, “Why, Nick, delinquency is not something which is to be aspired to. In fact-” she paused, eyes narrowing with concern, “what’s happened to your face?”

The room went quiet. The siblings shared a look. Nick adjusted his hold on Solitude and raised one hand to feel the part of his face where a bruise was forming. When they had tried to tell Mr Poe about Count Olaf’s behaviour, he had brushed them off with the legal phrase ‘in loco parentis’ then went behind the children’s backs to tell their guardian on them. Who was to say Justice Strauss wouldn’t do the same thing? Especially since she worked for the High Court, so she would know all about in loco parentis.

“…We uh thought it might be a rash,” Klaus lied after nobody said anything.

“Hmm…” Justice looked deep in thought. The children stared intently at her, each half-hoping she would see through the lie and half-hoping she would not. “Aha!” The judge proclaimed, then stepped around Larry to reach a shelf at the back of the room where she pulled out a book. She then walked back over to where she had been, and placed the book onto a table near Nick, “this should be of some help, I hope.”

Nick looked down; the title read ‘How to avoid acting rash when treating a skin rash’. “…yeah, that’ll help. Thanks.”

“You are very welcome,” smiled Justice. She then bent down to Linda (who was in Laurie’s arms) and Strauss held out her own arms, “Linda, would you like to come with me into the garden while your siblings tackle all this reading.”

“Ub.” Said Linda. This meant nothing at all. However, when the newborn stretched her chubby baby arms towards the woman, it meant “I want you to lift me!”

Justice Strauss held Linda carefully, whispering comforting words to her as the baby got used to being held by a new person.

“Kanicem?” Asked Solitude. Nick translated for her, “Soli wants to know if she can go too, and if Sunny and Susie can go with her. And Larry.”

“Sabotage!” Solitude shrieked, meaning ‘I didn’t say Larry. Don’t mistranslate me’.

Justice Strauss beamed, “Of course they can! My library and my garden are always open to you twelve!”

Larry rolled over on the floor, “Do you have ponies in your garden.”

“No, however I do have many lovely-”

“Then I don’t wanna go,” Larry huffed, folding his arms.

Violet glared at him, but then Lilac caught her eye and gave a firm headshake that said ‘Let me deal with this’ before Violet tried anything.

Lilac looked up at the judge, “I’m so sorry, he’s not normally like this.” She then turned to Laurie, “can you please take Susie, I’m gonna…” she tailed off, glancing crossly at their youngest brother. Laurie took Susie without comment and headed out to the garden. Nick, carrying Solitude, followed after her, and Klaus (carrying Sunny) tailed after them. Justice Strauss lingered in the library for long enough to look Lilac in the eyes, place a hand on her shoulder, and to say, “It’s alright. I understand that you children are dealing with a lot right now, and that grief wears many faces.” As soon as the woman left, Lilac missed her comforting touch, and something ached deep within her. How long must it have been since her own mother had touched her like that? A week? Two? Three? A month? A year? A millennium?

The eldest Baudelaire sighed, brushing her braids out of her face, then she kneeled down to try and talk some sense into Larry.

Outside Justice Strauss had laid out a soft blanket on the grass for the babies to sprawl out on as she pulled weeds out of plant pots. Having set down the babies, Nick and Klaus headed back inside. But Laurie didn’t. She lingered, searching the pockets of her sundress for pebbles to give to her sisters and hoping it wasn’t too obvious she had waited till it was only the babies, her, and Justice Strauss within earshot. When Justice Strauss walked over and unfolded a couple of garden chairs for them to sit on, Laurie realised that she had not been as subtle as she hoped.

“Thanks,” Laurie said, sitting down and swinging her legs.

The judge hummed in acknowledgement, then, sensing Laurie was in one of her rare quieter moods said, “You children are all very good with eachother.”

A gust of wind blew a long lock of blonde hair in Laurie’s face. Justice leaned forward and tucked it back into place in a motherly fashion. Suddenly, Laurie was hit by a vision. Sort of like a memory but of something that hadn’t happened yet; She could see her and Justice Strauss pruning the lilac bushes in this garden on hot Summer afternoons, she could hear herself and Klaus gossiping over milky tea in these creaky garden chairs, hear the squeals of Nick, Veronica and Violet chasing eachother with hoses and watering cans on squelching grass, could see Lilac building swings to attach to the cherry blossom trees, could hear Larry begging Klyde to leave the library for a second to play horses with him, could hear giggles from the babies as they crawled around and found more hard stones than they could bite. In short, Laurie saw a life for them all here. And that was what gave her the courage to do what she did next.

Laurie raised her eyes from her lap to meet Justice Strauss’s gaze.

“A rash didn’t hurt Nick’s face, Count Olaf did,” she blurted, then tensed. Justice Strauss blinked, her eyebrows raising up to her hairline, “You don’t mean-”

“He hit him,” Laurie nodded insistently, “Count Olaf struck Nick across the face on purpose.”

Justice was quiet for a moment, letting the words sit heavily in the air. The judge kept looking between Laurie and the babies, who were preoccupied with pebbles on the blanket. Eventually, she spoke, “…When was this?”

“Last night at dinner. Nick talked back and Count Olaf didn’t like that.”

“Has Count Olaf hurt any of you before or after the incident with Nick?” Strauss’s tone had turned professional, like the type she might have used at work, but her face remained sympathetic.

Laurie ran her fingers through one lock of hair in a soothing repetitive motion, “Nope. But he was mean before.”

“And since the incident, has he behaved in a more ‘mean’ manner?”

Laurie shook her head, “He’s being nice now. He gave us tasty raspberries and is casting us in his next play.” She paused for a moment, “do…do you think that means he’s realised what he did was wrong? Do you know if it means he’s always gonna be nice now?”

Justice Strauss tilted her head, “I think,” she began, “that becoming a parent must be terribly stressful, always worrying about how to care for one child, never mind twelve. The majority of new parents make mistakes, and although Count Olaf’s mistake was terrible, I believe he is trying to make it up to you all by being the guardian he knows you deserve.” She smiled gently, “I think you should give him a chance.”

Listening to the woman’s words, Laurie knew that she should feel hope taking root. Instead, the only thing that grew was a lump in her throat, and she choked out, “Can we live with you instead?”

“Oh!” Justice exclaimed, then, “oh, oh Laurie,” and she got off her chair to lean over and hug the child. “Laurie, I’m afraid I don’t have a licence to foster… however if you get into any trouble, or if Count Olaf ever hurts one of you again, then you come straight to me and I’ll help. Alright?”

“Okay,” she whispered back, then she pulled out of the hug, erased the dream of a future at Strauss’s house from her mind, and replaced it with one of her and her siblings having a blast being theatre geeks with their guardian who had turned over a new leaf and would never ever harm them again. “I’m gonna join my siblings in the library to-”

Laurie did not finish her sentence, because at that moment a member of Count Olaf’s theatre troupe (the one with hooks for hands) burst through the door,

“Count Olaf sent me to look for you,” he said, in a barely disguised snarl. Justice Strauss nudged Laurie’s shoulder encouragingly and whispered, “he wants to spend time with you.”

You know what, Laurie thought, maybe Justice is right, maybe this is a brand new start. So the girl nodded, choosing to lift Susie over the others because the baby had started to eat dirt, and calmly Laurie let herself be escorted into the library. Well, as calmly as she could whilst having to use her arms to block Susie’s attempts at biting the man’s hooks.

“Move it,” ordered the man, pushing the kids towards the door.

“No!” Violet objected, “Three of our little sisters are still in the garden, and we are not leaving them behind.”

The hook handed man hissed (spittle flew and hit Klyde’s glasses), “Fine. I’ll get them. You orphans better stay put.”

The moment the man was out of sight, Klyde slid the book he had been reading into the inside of his blazer. Nick and Klaus copied this, although they stuffed their books inside their jumpers (navy and red respectively) as they were not wearing blazers. Veronica slid a hardback into her pocket, and Lilac managed to hide two books in the deep pockets of her long gothic skirts (this also compensated for Violet, who had no decently sized pockets). Laurie couldn’t hide anything, as both her hands were occupied carrying Susie. Larry attempted to store a book he picked at random under his tiny propellor hat, but it was so obvious that Nick had to snatch it away and shove it back on the shelf before Larry got them all caught.

When the hookhanded man returned to the library, Lilac, Violet and Larry quickly took the babies off him (Solitude and Sunny had been dangling off his hooks, and Linda had been curled up on his large head), while their other siblings walked quickly ahead; hoping the hookhanded man would not get a good look at them.

The hookhanded man did not get a good look at them. In fact, now that the Baudelaires were paying attention, they realised that the man barely looked at them at all during the walk back to the Count’s house, and the walk down the dark and dusty corridor where he shoved them into their room and locked the door despite Lilac’s protests about the sun still being up.

Chapter Text

That night, after putting the babies to sleep on piles of spare clothes, the rest of the kids stayed up so late their eyes burned with the need to sleep. Instead of sleeping though, they stressfully read page after page after page of law books and jotted down notes. Although Larry would take breaks at random intervals to stick pencils up his nose and exclaim “hmbperberugheh”. He was working on his horse impression.

“That’s it, I can’t take it anymore!” Nick groaned after another one of Larry’s outbursts. He hurled a thick law book at his little brother. The only reason it didn’t hit Larry was because Klaus blocked it at the last second.

 “You know we can’t afford anger management for you!!” Klaus complained, glaring at his twin. Nick glared back. He then slid a book from beneath Laurie’s head (which the girl had fallen asleep on) and declared, “I’ll stab you with the corner of this book-”

“That proves my point fur-”

Veronica interrupted Klaus to shush them all and tilt her head towards Klyde, who had previously been trying to speak only to continuously get talked over. Klyde polished his glasses and announced, “I have found something.”

Before Klyde could continue, Lilac put a panicked finger over her lips, signalling for her siblings to stop talking. They were confused at first, but once they quietened they realised why Lilac had done this; there was a rattling of a key in their keyhole, then a click, and then the door swung open, revealing a bedraggled and irritated man with one eyebrow.

“…Good morning,” Violet greeted.

The Count did not return this pleasantry. Instead, he stood in the doorway breathing heavily and shaking with annoyance; he had shadows under his eyes which were just as dark as those beneath the children’s.

“Let me give you a piece of advice.” The Count growled, “If you spend an entire night causing a ruckus and continue to yell at eachother first thing in the morning, you’re going to end up with a very angry guardian.”

“We’re sorry,” Lilac gulped, “we’ll try to keep it down.”

“You better,” the man snarled. He began to turn away and then stopped and spun around to face them again, eyes narrowing, “why do you have so many books?”

“Because,” said Klaus, adjusting his glasses, “we stayed up all night reading.”

The Count raised one side of his eyebrow, “If that were true then I would have gotten a well-deserved peaceful night’s rest before tonight’s big performance.”

“You got exactly the rest you deserved,” Veronica muttered under her breath.

“Oh yeah, the performance,” mused Nick, “the totally legit performance where there’s nothing shady going on in the background whatsoever.” He didn’t know for sure that the performance was part of the Count’s scheme, but he was willing to bet on it.

The Count’s eyes flashed with anger, “What are you saying?”

Violet folded her arms, “He’s saying that we know what you’re up to Count Olaf.”

“Come with me,” the man snarled, “one of those disgusting infants has soiled itself and I can’t stand the smell.”

Solitude, Sunny and Susie had all woken up due to the commotion (only Lil’ Linda was lucky enough to have slept through it), so Lilac and Klaus tucked them back into their makeshift crib (clothes ontop of a suitcase) while Veronica jostled Laurie awake, then they all followed the Count out into the dining room where he sat at the head of the long table, and the siblings stood crowded together at the opposite end.

Klyde seized the silence as an opportunity to launch into a monologue, “The laws of marriage in this community are very simple. The requirements are as follows: the presence of a judge, a statement of ‘I do’ by both the bride and groom, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride’s own hand.” The archivist pointed an accusatory finger at his guardian, “If my sister says ‘I do’ and signs a piece of paper, while Justice Strauss is in the room, then she is legally married, and as her husband you will have access to our fortune.”

“…What?” Lilac choked, feeling the contents of her stomach churning. Klaus, whose own eyes were wide with disbelief, stuttered, “If-if my understanding of what Klyde is saying is correct, then Count Olaf isn’t going to marry you figuratively… he’s going to marry you literally.”

Lilac’s brows furrowed with worry.

“But surely Lilac isn’t old enough to get married, she’s only fifteen!” Veronica pointed out.

“Exactly,” added Violet, “it’s illegal for minors to marry, even if they want to.”

The Count took a teacup from in front of him and leisurely stirred in some milk. He did not look concerned in the slightest; this made Lilac feel very concerned.

“Is that so?” Count Olaf said after a long slurp of his drink, “and where does it state that as fact?”

“The law. Look it up,” Nick crossed his arms.

Four muffled thumps sounded from somewhere nearby. The Count’s spoon clinked against the sides of his cup as he stirred while his eyes scanned over each kid in turn in a manner which made them shift uncomfortably. When his gaze landed on Klyde, his mouth stretched into a crooked grin, “It appears that your brother is an ency-klyde-pedia of knowledge,” he took another sip of tea, “care to share what you know?”

Klyde was sweating. “Um,” he spared a darting glance towards his eldest sister, detesting the news he had to give her, “Girls under the age of eighteen can marry if they have the permission of their legal guardian.”

“In loco parentis,” Klaus muttered, horrified.

Lilac faced her siblings, “there has to be something we can do!”

“Of course, we can fix this.” Violet reassured her sister, even though she herself was secretly unsure if this was true.

Laurie looked between her panicking siblings and her guardian, whose crooked grin stretched wider as he watched them, and she remembered what Justice Strauss had said about giving Count Olaf a chance. With that in mind, she started to giggle.

“What’s wrong with you?!” exclaimed Klaus, “this is serious, why are you laughing?”

In response, Laurie let out a few more chuckles then announced, “because it’s not serious. Count Olaf obviously isn’t being serious about marrying Lilac! See how he’s smiling? It’s all just a joke!” She burst into a brief fit of laughter, tailing off when she realised she was still the only one laughing. Beside her, Veronica whispered, “he wears a cruel smile, not a kind one.” Laurie nodded in regretful understanding.

Lilac scowled at Count Olaf, “I will never marry you.”

Violet grabbed Lilac’s arm and started pulling her towards the door, “Come on, let’s grab the babies and get out of this wretched place.”

The children ran back to their room, where they saw four lumps under the heap of clothes.

“Sunny,” Klaus said, shaking one of the lumps gently. Abruptly, he stopped. It felt hard. He pulled on the cardigan and found that under it, lay not Sunny, but a pile of rocks. He threw the rest of the clothes to the floor too, and likewise there were three more piles of rocks where Solitude, Susie, and Lil’ Linda should have been.

“They’re not here!” Klaus cried. The siblings shared a panicked look.

“Where could they be?” Veronica asked worriedly, “It’s not like them to run off.”

“Where can they be indeed?” said a voice behind them, echoing eerily. Slowly, the children turned around. Count Olaf was standing in the doorway, casting a long dark shadow over them. “It certainly is strange to find children missing. And four so small and helpless…where did you see them last?”

“If this is a game, it isn’t fun anymore,” snapped Laurie, trying to stay calm but finding it difficult to breathe. Larry nodded in agreement. Through gritted teeth, Veronica demanded, “What have you done with them?” Nick managed to squeeze past the Count and out into the corridor, where he yelled, “Soli! Where are you? Soli! Sunny! Susie! Linda?”

Count Olaf took a second to scoff in amusement, then he joined in with Nick’s calls, clapping his hands together as he ‘looked’ for the infants, as if he were searching for misbehaving dogs, “Here Soli, Sunny! Where are you, girls?” He ventured down the musty hallway. The siblings followed him urgently.

“Here Susie, Linda! Where are-oh, what’s that?” The man cupped a hand to his ear, pretending like he had heard something, “it came from outside!”

The children sprinted to the backyard. Count Olaf followed behind at a leisurely pace. Laurie and Veronica (who were the fastest) arrived first and instantly began overturning unchopped logs of wood incase their baby sisters were hidden underneath. Their siblings soon joined them in helping, all calling out “Soli!” “Sunny!” “Susie!” or “Linda!”

Larry thought he heard one of Sunny’s babbles, but when he looked around he discovered it was only Count Olaf’s wheezy snicker.

“Why are you laughing at us?” Larry pouted.

“Oh, it’s just that you’re not looking in the right place,” the man walked down the uneven stone steps to join them in the backyard, “for children who read so much, you eight are remarkably unintelligent.” He drank in their expressions of despair, “Oh, don’t look so down. I’d say things are looking up, up…up.” The Count tilted his head upwards. The children copied him and saw that the man was looking at the forbidden tower. It was made of filthy and crumbling stone, with one lone window, and just outside of that window, hung a birdcage. It was a long distance away, since the cage was so high up, but the siblings could just about make out the blurry figures of what they thought were their sisters, all squeezed into such a tight space that their faces pressed against the bars. A screech of “Lynx!” confirmed their suspicions. Their baby sisters were imprisoned in the rusted gold cage swinging precariously thirty feet above them.

“How could you?!” Lilac screamed, “they’re infants!”

The other children yelled various insults and demands to let their sisters go, but it was only Lilac who Count Olaf paid any attention to. He stroked her cheek with the back of his bony hand and said, “ ‘How could I?’ Oh, Lilac, there are a great many things which I am willing to do. The right question is, could you?”

“Could I what?” Lilac spat, “Could I endanger four innocent infants for selfish reasons?!”

The Count shook his head, “If it would save your siblings…could you marry me?”

Her siblings looked from the cage, to the Count, then to Lilac, all trying desperately to think of an alternate solution. Lilac took a shaky gulp of air, then closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at Count Olaf as she answered, “…Yes.”

“Li…” Nick started, but he could not think of anything else to say.

Count Olaf began to gloat, “Your sisters are like sticks behind a stubborn mule.”

“Our sisters are not sticks,” stated Klyde, “they are human infants.”

“I meant that literally,” Count Olaf rolled his eyes.

“Figuratively. You meant it figuratively.” Klaus corrected angrily.

“Whatever,” The Count brushed him off, “Any animal owner will tell you that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot because it wants the reward of food…”

“I don’t like carrots,” input Larry. Count Olaf ignored him and continued speaking, “and away from the stick-”

“I like sticks.”

“-because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain. Likewise, you will do what I say, to avoid the punishment of the loss of your sisters. And,” he leaned closer to Lilac, “because you want the reward of a charming husband.”

Lilac stepped away from him; a deep frown engraved on her face. Count Olaf tried to step closer, but Violet and Veronica blocked the way.

“Oh come now,” sighed the Count, peering at Lilac over her siblings’ heads, “don’t be like that. Would it be so terrible to be my bride, to live in my house and to sleep beside me every night for the rest of your life?” He sighed theatrically, “You’re such a lovely girl. After the wedding, I wouldn’t dispose of you like your brothers and sisters.”

Lilac froze completely. Klyde felt his eyes begin to burn, and despite his best efforts to prevent them, tears began to run down his face. A gust of wind rocked the cage violently. The infants wailed. Without looking up, Lilac confirmed, “If you let my sisters go, then I’ll marry you.”

The man smirked, “I shall let your little sisters go after tonight’s performance.” With that, he spun on his heel and left. The second he was gone, Veronica spat, “I’m going to kill him! How dare he?!”

“Quit it with the murder plans, we’re not criminals,” Lilac bit out. Then, as the boys and Laurie watched the cage swaying above them, Lilac, Violet, and Veronica tied up their hair.

Chapter Text

The day of the marriage was one of the most challenging days the Baudelaires had ever faced. Their limbs ached and their eyes drooped from the lack of sleep the night before, but still they all forced themselves to continue with what they knew they must do.

Lilac, Violet, and Veronica hid in one of the dimly-lit rat-infested bathrooms to brainstorm ways of rescuing their infant sisters.

 Nick, Klaus and Klyde returned to their law books; trying desperately to find a loophole that could be utilised to declare the marriage invalid.

Solitude, Sunny, and Susie tried to stay very still so that the cage wouldn’t sway as much. Solitude had the additional responsibility of trying to calm Susie down after Lil’ Linda continued to squirm and cry, ignoring their shouts of “Halliwell!” (Translation: ‘Stop moving!’).

Laurie and Larry were supposed to be working their way through the mountain of chores Count Olaf had set for all the un-caged kids, but if their siblings were to pay closer attention to them, they would have realised that neither of them was doing so. Larry had decided to ditch cleaning the floors in favour of pretending his mop was a horse, and galloping up and down the corridors with it. Laurie had taken the trash out and simply not returned back inside.

Instead, Laurie walked over to their neighbour’s house, stopping momentarily to admire the cherry blossom trees before approaching the freshly painted front door and ringing the bell. Nobody answered. Laurie rang twelve more times just incase Justice Strauss didn’t hear. Then she knocked incase the doorbell was broken; after all, Justice Strauss had said her electricity was faulty. When there was still no answer, Laurie tried the handle; locked. She stepped to the side and pressed her face against the window’s cool glass. All the lights were off. Nobody was home. The judge must have been at work, or running errands.

She sighed then retreated to the Count’s house to do more chores, resolving to keep an eye out for when their neighbour returned so she could inform the judge of what their guardian had planned, then the woman would put a stop to those schemes and everything would be okay again. Justice Strauss might even reconsider taking the children in once she realised how much danger they were in without her.

Laurie wandered into the kitchen to scrub grime off the counters. She was pleasantly surprised to find Violet already in there, dragging the rusted pasta maker out from a cupboard. The inventor had a certain gleam in her eyes, and a determined look fixed to her face; her hair was secured by a ribbon, hanging behind her back in a ponytail. At this sight, Laurie could not help a smile from spreading up her cheeks. “Oh, I knew you would invent a way to fix this situation, Vi!” She exclaimed. “What do you have planned?”

“Yes,” a voice sounded from where Laurie had forgotten to close the door, “what do you have planned?” The Count. Laurie’s shoulders dropped. Violet straightened, and she said carefully, “I was going to prepare you and your theatre troupe a meal so you would have energy for tonight’s performance.”

 “Oh, really?” The Count raised his brow, “Well how about I save you some hassle.” He walked towards Violet and tried to pry the pasta maker from out of her hands. It was a bit like a tug of war match for a moment. But eventually, Count Olaf won. “I don’t want any more disgusting pasta,” he snarled, “and I don’t want you getting any ideas. Come with me. And tell me where your older sister is; I need her for a dress fitting.” With one hand gripping Violet’s arm, and the other holding the pasta maker, he left the kitchen, disappearing down the dark corridor. Laurie watched until they were out of sight, then she sprinted to the bathroom where her other sisters were hiding, closing the rotten wood door behind her as quietly as she could.

Lilac and Veronica looked up at her in surprise. They had been expecting Violet returning with more materials, not Laurie coming in panicked.

“What’s wrong?” Lilac had barely got the question out before Laurie responded, panting, “He has Vi. And he’s coming to find you, Lilac- you need to hide all this before he-”

Footsteps sounded from nearby. Followed by the Count growling, “if you don’t tell me where Lilac is, then I’ll forego locking you in the tower room in favour of trapping you in that cage with those screaming little brats. How do you think it’ll hold up with your weight added to it?”

“Where the fuck are we supposed to hide all of this?!” Veronica whisper-shouted, gathering a bundle of their spare clothes into her arms.

“Language!” Lilac hissed, grabbing a curtain rod from their pile of materials and rolling it under the cracked bathtub.

“Maybe if we wear the spare clothes ontop of the outfits we’re wearing now-”

Lilac cut off Veronica’s suggestion, “You two stand on that side of the door so that when it opens you won’t be seen.”

“But there isn’t enough room for three!” Protested Laurie.

“Hence why I said two,” Lilac retorted, stepping over to the toilet and pressing the flush down. She then approached the mouldy sink and washed her hands, whispering, “Veronica, you’re gonna have to invent something without me. I’ll try to get Count Olaf to let Vi go but he might not listen.”

Veronica nodded solemnly and pulled her twin against the wall with her. Lilac sent them what she hoped was an encouraging look, then she took a deep breath and exited the bathroom, shutting the door behind her quickly so the Count -who was waiting in the corridor- would not see that she had been using the room as a makeshift inventing studio.

“I was looking for you,” Count Olaf spoke, “I don’t like to be kept waiting.”

‘Play nice.’ Lilac told herself. Then, she told Count Olaf, “I’m terribly sorry.”

“Whatever. I need you in the tower room for a dress fitting. I’m taking your sister too so she doesn’t get any big ideas.”

Lilac nodded, then turned on her heel to walk in the opposite direction of the tower room.

“What are you doing?” The Count snarled.

“Going to the tower room,” Lilac said innocently. She caught Violet’s eye, and she understood instantly what her sister was doing; keeping the Count distracted to buy everyone more time.

“Wrong way, not that I could expect anyone as dim-witted as you to comprehend the layout of my house.” Count Olaf walked towards Lilac, intending to grab her arm and drag her in the right direction. But then he realised neither of his hands were free, as one was gripped around Violet’s arm, and the other around the pasta machine. An annoyed huff escaped the man’s lips. He stomped over to a window, hauled it open with a screech that made Lilac wince and clamp her hands over her ears, then he hurled the pasta machine outside. It fell to the ground and shattered into a million broken pieces. Violet’s hopes of rescuing their sisters shattered along with it. But only momentarily; because it was like Lilac said: there’s always something. They still had two hours before the wedding. They would think of something to fix this.

***

While Lilac and Violet were trapped in the tower room, Veronica sat cross-legged on the floor, bent over her creation, and Laurie sat on the edge of the bathtub, trying and failing to tie the spare clothes together in the way her twin had instructed her to.

“Laurie, can you please find me a battery? And some rubber gloves? I think I there’s still some by the sink which we used for washing up.” Veronica said, not looking up from the sturdy curtain rod she was bending.

“Okie dokie,” Laurie agreed, “happy to help!” With that, the gardener left the room to search. Veronica finished knotting the clothes together on her own so that they resembled a long rope. She had no way of measuring it so she could only hope it would be long enough to reach the top of the tower. Bending the rod had given her tiny cuts on her hand, and those cuts burned as she fastened one end of the rope to the metal rod (which had been bent to resemble a metal spider). Almost finished.

Before long, Laurie returned, dropping a battery and a pair of black rubber gloves into the palm of Veronica’s hand. Veronica unwrapped the coiled copper wire from around her waist, the one she had been using as a belt since that fateful day at Briny Beach, she then wrapped the middle of the free wire in tight coils around the metal part of the grappling hook. Next, she put on the gloves to avoid electrocuting herself, then she attached both ends of the copper wire to the battery, and tested out her invention by throwing the grappling hook up in the air.

“Agh!” Laurie squealed, covering her head with her arms. But the grappling hook did not land on her. Instead, it was pulled to the right, and ended up attaching itself to the iron taps of the bathtub.

Laurie lowered her hands, eyes sparkling, “It’s magic.”

“No,” Veronica responded, grinning excitedly, “it’s electricity. I built a grappling hook which doubles as an electromagnet; the cage is made of gold, which isn’t magnetic, but the iron bars on the tower room window are…so I don’t have to rely on luck to hit the right thing.”

“You made your own luck!” Laurie exclaimed, then, softer, she said, “mom and dad would be really proud of you.”

Veronica smiled sadly, “hey, how about you help the boys with their research while I try rescue the infants?”

“Okay,” said Laurie, hesitating for a moment before engulfing her twin in a tight hug. Veronica startled in surprise. “You’ve got this,” said Laurie, ending the hug and shooting her sibling two thumbs up before leaving to find her brothers. Veronica smiled, a warm sense of confidence blossoming from Laurie’s reassurance.

On the way to the backyard, the electrician caught sight of a looming grandfather clock and promptly swore under her breath and quickened her pace via sliding down the banister and sprinting the rest of the way. She had twenty minutes before they had to leave for the theatre. Twenty minutes to scale a thirty foot tower and rescue four infants.

Once outside, Veronica realised her plan was even more difficult than she’d anticipated. The evening was quiet, which meant she’d have to make almost no noise at all. There was also a slight breeze, and when she imagined herself swinging in the breeze, with nothing but a rope fashioned out of ugly clothes to keep her safe, she almost gave up entirely. Especially as the clouds overhead were dark, threatening rain which would interfere with the electromagnet’s functionality. But, standing there staring up at her little sisters as the rest of her siblings worked tirelessly to figure out a way to save everyone, Veronica knew she had to try.

Tightening the ribbon in her hair, she took a deep breath. Next, she swung the rope in circles to build momentum, then threw it as high as she could. It was a meter away from where it needed to land, but then the electromagnet pulled it close, and it hit the iron bars of the tower room’s window with a victorious clang.

Chapter Text

“What if we set the marriage document on fire?” Nick suggested from the floor he sprawled out on. The words came out slightly muffled as there was a heavy (and, as it turned out, useless) law book lying ontop of his face as he could no longer be bothered to hold it.

“Then Count Olaf would tell one of his henchpeople to drop the cage, and Soli, Sunny, Susie and Lil’ Linda would all die,” Klaus pointed out. He was perched on their bedroom’s windowsill.

Nick tossed the book off his face, “what if we set Count Olaf on fire?”

“That would be illegal, Nick.” Klaus stated.  

“Don’t care,” Nick mumbled. From the other side of the room, Klyde (who was sitting on the suitcase) spoke up, sounding like he was going to cry again, “Can you please take this seriously?! Lilac could very well get married tonight, then Count Olaf will hurt or- or – maybe even kill us and- we shall all be doomed!” He buried his face in his hands. Nick rolled his eyes. He cared about Klyde, really, he did. But there were only so many times the archivist could burst into tears in one research session without it becoming annoying. Klaus, who had a bit more patience, gave his younger brother a pat on the shoulder and told him to keep trying.

The door burst open, and all three kids jumped, expecting Count Olaf to tear the books from their hands or hurt them. But it wasn’t the Count.

“Hiya guys!” It was Laurie, skipping into the room and closing the door behind her. “How’s the research going?”

“Terribly,” sobbed Klyde. Laurie sat down beside him and pulled him into a much-needed hug.

“I’m afraid we haven’t had much luck,” Klaus confirmed, sighing. Nick nodded in agreement, fiddling with his sleeve.

“Then we’ll make our own luck,” Laurie said, “although we may not need to, cause-” she glanced behind her, double checking the door was closed, “Veronica built an electromagnet grappling hook so she can climb up and save the babies!”

“They’re safe?” Nick asked, sitting up alert.

Laurie shook her head and Nick deflated. “They will be safe soon though,” she reassured, “Veronica’s carrying out the rescue mission as we speak!”

“She must be terribly frightened,” said Klyde.

“I suppose so, but she’s also terribly brave,” Laurie smiled, giving Klyde’s shoulder a squeeze. 

“What if she doesn’t get the babies down on time?” Klaus asked, “what do we do then?”

“Klyde,” called Nick, “how much time have we got?”

Klyde consulted his pocket watch, “drats…only twelve minutes…what do we do?”

“Keep reading. Fast.” Klaus answered.

“But we’ve skimmed through all these books already and found nothing!” Nick complained, “the answers aren’t in here, face it.”

Laurie used her cloth hairband to tie her hair into a bun, “What are the only things needed for this wedding again?”

“Lilac saying ‘I do’ and signing a document in her own hand in the presence of a judge,” Klyde stated.

The room was quiet for several minutes as everybody thought. Laurie broke the silence by suggesting they ask Justice Strauss not to participate in the play, but the boys figured it was too risky because then Count Olaf might realise they interfered and drop the infants to their deaths. Plus, they did not know whether or not they would get the opportunity to speak with Justice Strauss before the play began. They went quiet for another while, then Klaus adjusted his glasses and told them of an idea he had which might just work…

“In order for Lilac’s marriage to Count Olaf to be valid, she must sign the document in her own hand…but what if she didn’t?” Klaus said.

Nick frowned, and, voice dripping with sarcasm, responded “Yeah that’s a great idea Klaus. We’ll just have someone else sign it for her. I’m sure the Count won’t notice.”

Klaus rolled his eyes, “I mean that Lilac is right-handed… so if she were to sign the document with her left hand…”

“…that might just work,” Nick breathed.

“Count Olaf is keeping Lilac far away from us… if we get lucky then perhaps we can get to talk to her before the play starts. But if not then how on earth shall we communicate this plan to her?” Klyde queried.

Laurie stood, eyes sparkling, and walked towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Klyde asked.

“To make our own luck,” Laurie declared, shooting them all a quick encouraging smile before leaving and closing the door behind her.

***

With only eight minutes left before they had to leave for the performance, Laurie knew she had to move quickly. So this time when she arrived at Justice Strauss’ house, she did not ring the doorbell. Instead, she raced to the back garden, kneeled down by the lilac bush she had dreamed of her and the judge tending to together, and ripped out as many lilac flowers as she could carry; leaving behind a rather naked looking bush, and many scratches on her hands and forearms.

***

Veronica clung to the rope, putting one foot in front of the other as she climbed the tower methodically. She was almost at the top, but since she didn’t own a pocket watch like Klyde she could only hope she was on target for rescuing the infants before they needed to leave.

Finally, she made it to the top of the tower.

“Ed!” Screeched Susie, meaning “Veronica! What are you doing here?” She sounded scared.

“Don’t worry,” Veronica whispered, stretching a hand out to reach the cage, “I’m going to get you four to safety.” The rope swung violently, and Veronica had to grip it with both hands to regain balance. She shut her eyes for a few seconds, trying to conceal her panic so she wouldn’t scare the infants. She hadn’t been expecting that gust of wind. The rope swung again, and the electrician reopened her eyes only to discover that it had not been wind at all which shook the rope… because when she peered up into the window frame, she saw a large pale and meaty hand reaching through the window’s wide bars to clutch the top end of the rope.

A face poked out of the window too. The bald man. Veronica felt like somebody had slid ice down her back. “Shit shit fuckingggg shit” she muttered, scrambling to descend. Her efforts were rendered fruitless when the bald man simply pulled the rope up, so that Veronica was eye level with the window ledge. The proximity allowed her to see the rest of the bald man, including the hand which was not holding the rope… it was holding a glass shard; a sharp one shaped exactly like the one Veronica had threatened him with before, after he acted creepy towards Laurie.

He brought the shard down and began tearing through the fabric.

“No-no- stop it! Please!” Veronica shouted, sweat dripping down her face. The bald man met her gaze, his expression blank, and said, “good luck protecting your sisters now.” With that, he sawed through the rest of the fabric.

Veronica fell.

Air rushed against her back, blowing her dark hair out of its ribbon. For a moment, it felt almost freeing; like she was flying. Then she hit the ground. All she could do was scream and sob uncontrollably into her arm, hoping it muffled the noise of her agony enough that her baby sisters wouldn’t have to hear. Because it was exactly the sort of sound you could never unhear; the kind that clung to nightmares and woke you up in a cold sweat; the type to echo through your head when it’s quiet for too long.

***

The run back to the Count’s house left Laurie panting. But when she shut the front door and turned around she felt the air leave her lungs for a different reason. Count Olaf was there. Holding Lilac and Violet to either side of him. Lilac looked almost as pale as the frilly white gown she had been forced into; and she was glaring at the Count like she wanted to burn him where he stood.

“What are those for?” The Count growled, looking at the flowers in her arms. Laurie had almost forgotten they were there. She forced herself to sound sweet as she lied, “I- I thought that my siblings and I could hold them as props. They would look really pretty on stage.”

The Count smirked, and stared condescendingly down at Lilac and Violet, “See? At least some of you brats are getting into the spirit of things rather than being ungrateful like you two.”

Laurie approached Lilac and tried to press one of the flowers into her left hand, but she pushed it back and snapped, “I don’t want to look pretty on stage.”

“Sure you do,” Laurie insisted, “now hold out your left han-”

This time it was Violet who pushed Laurie back; her eyes flashing with hurt. “Now is not the time for flowers Laurie.”

“Just take-”

“UGH!” The Count moaned, “I am sick and tired of the constant bickering between you eleven siblings!”

“Twelve,” Violet corrected, voice terse.

“This is what I mean! None of you ever let anything slide! It’s always constant arguingand nagging and throwing things! I ‘ll be glad once tonight is over so I can dispose of the spares so I won’t have to put up with such annoyance anymore.” He sighed dramatically, “Blonde one, go get the rest of the orphans and meet me and my troupe by our cars.” His face darkened, “and you don’t want to see what happens if you disobey me.”

Laurie nodded obediently and left. Finding Larry was easy as he was practicing his horse impression and galloping noisily in the ballroom. Finding her other brothers was also easy as she already knew where they were. When she found them, she whispered orders for them to hold their lilacs in their left hand to try and signal to Lilac that that’s the hand she should sign with. Laurie made sure to say this quiet enough that Larry couldn’t hear, as she didn’t want to risk him accidentally giving their scheme away.

“Has Veronica come back yet?” Laurie asked, leading them down the corridor and out of the front door. Nick shook his head, “we haven’t seen her.”

“Okay,” breathed Laurie, “I suppose climbing a thirty-foot tower would be time consuming… oh what are we gonna do??” Laurie wished she was more resourceful like Lilac or Violet or Veronica, but in that moment all she could focus on were her own nerves.

“We could distract Count Olaf when we’re splitting up to get into the cars?” Klaus suggested.

Klyde shook his head, “he’ll notice she’s missing once we’re in the theatre, and then…” he shuddered.

There was no more time to think of a plan, because the Count (still with their two eldest sisters in his grasp) joined them outside at just that moment. He did a headcount, “Seven? There’s supposed to be eight of you. Where’s the purple one?”

‘The purple one’ could have referred to Violet or Lilac given their names, (or Veronica if you happened to know that her middle name was the Hebrew word for ‘purple’) but in this case it was obvious he meant the Baudelaire child who dressed in purple, as Veronica was notably absent.

“Erm… she’s just- she had to go to the bathroom,” Klaus tried.

The Count’s eyes flashed; a sign the children had learnt was a sure indicator of his rage. But before he could threaten them again, the bald man appeared, and walking towards the Count, he used his deep voice to state, “She’s no longer an issue.”

The Count raised his brow, expression simultaneously surprised and impressed, but with a bit of irritation under the surface. “You’re supposed to be keeping watch.” He said, gesturing to the tower where the children could see the cage still hung from.

“Hookie’s covering my shift,” the bald man grunted.

“Alright,” said the Count, “you drive that judge’s car and I’ll drive mine. Be at the theatre in ten and don’t let any of the orphans do a runner.”

“Got it, boss,” agreed the bald man. The adults wasted no time in shoving the kids into the two vehicles and driving to the theatre, breaking several traffic laws on the way.

Chapter Text

Although physically speaking, the seven children were backstage (Lilac being kept in a separate dressing room than her siblings), mentally they were in so many different places you would need to take a road trip to visit them all. And a time machine.

Lilac stood in a locked dressing room; peering into one of the many mirrors circling the room and staring at the reflection of a figure in a floor length white gown who looked more like a ghost than a girl.

Her eyebags were heavy and her shoulders were slumped. The white-faced ladies had painted two ridiculous circles on her cheeks so she resembled a doll. In a sense, she was to become one. In saying ‘I do’ she would save her little sisters at the cost of her own freedom. There would be no more mechanical work; just housework. Just trying in vain to fix a place which was rotten in more ways than she cared to count.

While Lilac was stuck thinking about a bleak future, Violet’s mind whirred with different ideas for inventions. It was so frustrating, because not a single one of them was subtle enough to work; if she threw a Molotov cocktail at the Count it risked him dodging it and ordering for the cage to be dropped. Or if she switched the marriage document for a fake then the same risks applied.

She let out an irritated sigh and moved to tighten her ribbon. As she did so, she looked up and saw Laurie handing lilacs to her brothers, and correcting Larry by moving it from his right hand to his left. Laurie noticed Violet looking and -after glancing both ways to ensure nobody was watching- she rushed over to Violet’s side. Violet crossed her arms, “Don’t you think we have more important things to worry about than the aesthetic of this wicked play?”

“Listen,” Laurie whispered urgently, “it’s to signal to Li that she should sign with her left hand; Klyde said that’ll make the marriage invalid!”

Violet’s eyes widened, “of course!” she whispered back, “because it must be signed ‘in the bride’s own hand’!”

Laurie nodded, and this time when she passed Violet a lilac, the inventor took it; left fist closing determinedly around the prickly stem.

***

Solitude pressed her face against the cage’s bars, trying to look down but only catching sight of more dizzying sky. Susie and Lil’ Linda did the same thing, and Susie yelled “Ed!” over and over again, hoping Veronica would respond. No response came. Other than the one from Sunny, who clutched the bars tight in her little fists and screamed, “No motto motto!”. This translated to ‘Stop moving it! The way this cage is swinging makes me anxious!’

“Sor-ry,” said Solitude, turning back to face her siblings and not moving again. Susie did the same. Lil’ Linda did not. She wasn’t looking at her sisters, she was still looking at the cage bars and rattling them. Susie swivelled her head between Sunny (who was very frightened) and Lil’ Linda (who was ignoring them), then she clapped her hands together and cried, “No! No! No!” Still, Lil’ Linda paid no attention, so Susie shook her arm. Lil’ Linda let out a distressed noise, like she hadn’t been expecting the contact. But that was silly, Susie thought, because she had shouted so many times first.

Solitude must have had that same thought, and Sunny must have had it too, because both of them stuck a finger into an ear on either side of Lil’ Linda’s head, trying to see if any tiny rocks or clumps of dirt were stuck in there. Lil’ Linda made another distressed sound, and flapped her hand in a way that meant, ‘Stop being weird or I’m not gonna play with any of you again.’

The fingers were removed from her ears. Solitude had an idea, so she whispered it to Sunny and Susie, then Solitude lifted the newborn up and turned her so she was facing outside again and couldn’t see them. Solitude, Sunny and Susie met eachothers eyes and whispered “thirteen, twelve… seven!” then shouted “LINDA!” at the top of their lungs. Like Solitude had expected, Lil’ Linda did not react. But when she tapped the newborn on the shoulder, she swivelled her head to face them.

***

From the murmur of voices leaking through from the stage to dressing room 2 (the one holding all the kids except Lilac), they could tell the performance of The Marvellous Marriage had begun. Members of the theatre troupe rushed this way and that, throwing on all sorts of elaborate garments, wigs, and accessories. The androgynous henchperson and the bald man were carrying a large flat piece of wood, painted to look like a nursery. An important-looking man with acne was adjusting enormous light fixtures which Veronica would have been fascinated by. It was a pity, Laurie thought, that Veronica was trapped in the tower room and wasn’t there to see it (as this was what the gardener believed the bald man to have meant when he said Veronica wasn’t “an issue” anymore).

Nick peeked through a crack in the dressing room wall. “The curtain’s going down,” he observed, “does that mean the play finished early? I didn’t see Li go on stage so…” he cut himself off when the dressing room door burst open and the Count, wearing a fancy suit, strode in.

The Count took one look at the children then turned to the two white-faced ladies and hissed, “It’s the end of Act Two! Why aren’t the orphans in their costumes?!” Then, as the audience broke into applause, he morphed his angry expression into one of joy, and walked back on stage to bask in praise. He returned a few moments later, shedding the happy expression like a snakeskin, replacing it with his rage-filled one, and saying, “Intermission is only ten minutes and then the children must perform.”

“Where’s Veronica?” Klyde demanded. The Count ignored him, and instead gave orders to his whole theatre troupe (minus the hook-handed man who was keeping watch over the babies back at the Count’s house) who had gathered round them, “Get them into costumes, quickly!”

The henchpeople wasted no time in following their boss’s orders. One white-faced woman yanked Violet’s arms up and pulled her dress off over her head then thrust a dirty, laced flower girl dress at her to put on. The other white-faced woman stuffed Klaus and Klyde into sailor suits (Klaus’s was white with blue stripes, and Klyde’s was blue with white stripes) that itched and made them look like toddlers. The bald man approached Laurie with a flower girl costume in his large hands, but before he could even walk the full way over to her, Nick had snatched the dress out of his grip and threw it to a rather confused Laurie for her to catch and change into herself.

After that, the bald man gave Nick his clothes; it was a hideous camel costume. Nick wasn’t sure if it was what he had originally been supposed to wear or if the bald man had purposefully chosen the ugliest bit of fabric the theatre had to offer as some form of punishment for intervening. Either way, he put it on. It smelt of mildew.

Larry wore a horse costume and was admiring it in one of the many mirrors lining the walls. Klyde too, caught a glimpse of himself in one of those dusty mirrors as someone shoved a sailor cap on his head, and he looked away sharply. The fabric of his costume was neither loose nor forgiving, and the way it hung on him caused a sharp pang of gender dysphoria to course through him.

“Isn’t this exciting?” said a voice, and the children turned to see Justice Strauss, all dressed up in her judge’s robes and white wig. She was clutching a small book, “You children look wonderful!”

“Justice Strauss,” Violet said quickly, “may we speak to you?”

“Well, I am trying to get into character but- “the judge caught the look Laurie flashed her, “yes, of course, what’s the matter, Violet?”

“It’s the wedding scene,” Violet blurted, “the whole thing is-”

“Nerve-wracking,” Klaus interrupted, “it’s simply nerve-wracking.”

As Justice Strauss shot them all sympathetic looks and offered words of encouragement, the siblings realised why Klaus had interrupted as he had; Count Olaf was staring right at them. They watched as the man whispered something to a stage director beside him, then moments later a voice (not Olaf’s) called, “Justice Strauss! Justice Strauss! Please report to the makeup artist!”

“Oh my word!” Justice Strauss exclaimed, “I get to wear makeup! Children, I must go. See you onstage my dears! Break a leg!” She ran off, wearing a dreamy expression on her face. Violet and Nick looked at one another and sighed. Laurie put one of her hands in her pocket so it was out of sight and crossed all her fingers for luck.

“What?” Klyde said, alarmed.

“‘Break a leg’ is a theatre term meaning ‘good luck on tonight’s performance’,” Klaus explained.

“I wish we could break a leg,” Klyde muttered.

“You will soon enough,” Count Olaf said, pushing the six children toward the stage. Other actors were milling about, finding their places for     Act Three, Justice Strauss was off in a corner, practicing lines from her law book, and Lilac stood in a white gown at the centre of the stage; guarded by the two white-faced women. The other henchpeople grabbed Lilac’s siblings by the wrists and dragged them to the left side of the stage; there was no chance they could whisper anything to Lilac from here without everyone noticing. “You six and I shall stand here for the duration of the act. That means the whole thing,” hissed the bald man.

“We know what the word ‘duration’ means,” Klaus sighed.

“Where is Veronica?” Klyde asked again. The bald man did not respond with words, but he let a terrible, terrible smile crawl over his face and stick to it like old gum. The siblings shared a wary look. Laurie crossed her fingers tighter. Before they could interrogate the bald man further, the red velvet curtains rose and the audience erupted into applause as the third and final act of ‘The Marvellous Marriage’ began.

***

As frightening as being trapped in a birdcage dangling off a tall tower was, Sunny was finding it to become rather tedious, as there really wasn’t much she could do or bite. She wished she still had that rock Linda found for her a few days ago, but unfortunately -since her babygrow didn’t have pockets- she had not taken it with her. Apparently, the henchman guarding them found the experience rather dull too, because he used his hooks to pick up a deck of cards from somewhere in the tower room and held them up to the window then said, “Don’t suppose any of you four know how to play poker?”

“Fahey!” Susie shrieked, meaning, “I would never play with scum like you!” Meanwhile, Solitude did a series of elaborate hand gestures, managing to translate the sounds so Lil’ Linda could understand. In response, the newborn held up all bar two of her tiny fingers, meaning, “I am minus two weeks old.” (She had been born premature). Sunny, however, decided she’d rather play with a villain than sit still in boredom, so she stated, “Eeihhhmeh.” (‘I’m a fast learner.’)

***

Various actors and actresses performed monologues, duologues, soliloquys, dance sequences and even a few musical numbers. Despite the Count being an awful person, he was, admittedly, not an awful actor. Far from it. The audience seemed enthralled. So enthralled that they failed to notice the eleven-year-old on stage who was trying desperately to make eye contact with any of them to signal that something was wrong, or to notice how the ‘flower girls’ held their lilacs with an iron grip, or how the ‘camel’ and one of the ‘sailor boys’ spent the entire time glaring at the Count, or how the ‘horse’ (whose bedtime was supposed to be hours prior) had fallen asleep on-stage, or how the bride-to-be was shaking slightly.

Off tune wedding music started to play. Lilac had once declared that the sickly-sweet theme song of ‘The Littlest Elf’ was the worst tune in the world. She no longer held that belief. Guitar strums clashed against the inharmonious screeching of violins as the Count strutted towards her, and as Judge Strauss approached the podium which had been set up. It was now the three of them in the centre. The spotlight cast upon them made the Count’s eyes look even more shiny and menacing than normal. Vaguely, Lilac wondered if it was Veronica controlling that light; she hadn’t seen her electrician sibling on stage.

Judge Strauss spoke, reading directly from her legal book. Her eyes were sparkling and her face was flushed; too stagestruck to notice that anything was amiss. Lilac felt like she was sinking. She wanted out of this horrible gown. She wanted her own clothes back. She wanted her own bed. She wanted people to rush on stage and put a stop to this evil plot; particularly if those people were her parents.

But her parents were not here.

Lilac had to be the protector now. And she had already made the decision to protect her siblings over herself, and she would make that decision every time. Shortly after Solitude was born, Lilac’s parents had told her, firmly but kindly, that as the eldest it was her responsibility to keep her siblings out of danger. Lilac had promised them she would. She intended on keeping that promise.

Justice Strauss turned to the Count and asked, “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do,” he responded, smirking. Lilac steeled herself, waiting for her turn as though it were a death sentence.

“OW,” complained someone who was neither the Count or Lilac. Lilac looked to where the noise was coming from and saw Larry in his horse costume, rubbing his back with one hand and his eyes with the other; as though he had been kicked awake. Beside him, the bald man kept his menacing grip around Nick’s arm, subtly pulling him a little further from Larry. It didn’t take a genius to work out what had happened.

The Count tapped the pocket his walkie-talkie was in as a reminder, but he didn’t reach for it, having brushed the situation off as mere bickering between brothers. Lilac would have too, but Violet caught her eye before she turned around, and Lilac noticed that she was holding the very bunch of lilacs she’d been annoyed at Laurie for caring about. Lilac narrowed her eyes, confused. Carefully, Violet moved the flowers from her right hand to her left hand. Lilac shot her another confused look, but Violet just repeated the same action again but more insistently.

Before Lilac could look any closer, the Count took her elbow and used it to spin her around to face Justice Strauss as she asked, “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Count Olaf took Lilac’s hands in his own bony ones, painfully digging his yellow fingernails into her skin. That wasn’t why she winced.

“Justice Strauss I…” Lilac glanced up at Count Olaf, who was sending her a warning with his eyes of what he’d do if she went off script. Lilac swallowed, and said, in a very small voice, “I- I do.”

The spotlight became even more blinding, causing the wedding band to gleam as Count Olaf shoved it onto Lilac’s finger. Justice Strauss swivelled the podium around so it faced them and they could use it as a table to sign the marriage document which Lilac now saw was resting there next to a quill and a pot of ink. Count Olaf signed his name quickly then thrust the quill into Lilac’s hands. She was reminded, suddenly, of how Laurie had tried to do that earlier with the flowers. Except- no- it wasn’t exactly like that, because Laurie had tried to place the flowers in Lilac’s left hand not her dominant right.

Unable to help herself, Lilac gasped, remembering Klyde’s words about the requirements for a marriage to be deemed valid ‘the presence of a judge, a statement of ‘I do’ by both the bride and groom, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride’s own hand’. There was always something, and in this case, the devil was in the details, so to speak. Lilac moved the quill to her left hand, and shakily signed the piece of paper.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen,” Count Olaf said, stepping forwards to address the audience, “I have an announcement.”

A low buzz emanated from the audience as they murmured among themselves, perplexed, they hadn’t expected the play to end until 10:30pm and it was currently only 10:00. Count Olaf continued, “There is no reason to continue tonight’s performance, for its purpose has been served. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Lilac Baudelaire is perfectly legal, and I am now in control of her entire fortune.”

The crowd erupted in gasps, and even some of the actors looked at one another in shock. One of the violinists (who wore a tie decorated with snail designs) stood as if to give an impromptu performance in shock at the revelation, but the henchperson of indeterminate gender took the instrument off him before he could.

“That can’t be!” Justice Strauss cried.

“The marriage laws in this community are quite simple,” Count Olaf smugly echoed Klyde’s words, “The bride must say ‘I do’ in the presence of a judge like yourself, and sign an explanatory document. And all of you” he gestured out to the audience, “are witnesses.”

“But Lilac’s only a child,” a voice from the audience (which the children recognised as Mr Poe) protested, “she’s not old enough to marry!”

The smugness of Count Olaf’s expression increased trifold, “She is if her legal guardian allows it.”

“But that piece of paper’s not an official document, it’s- it’s just a stage prop!” Justice Strauss tried, but Count Olaf shot her down by telling her to look closer so she could see that it was in fact an official document from City Hall. The woman’s brow furrowed and she shut her eyes, deep in thought. Then she opened them again to peer at Lilac while saying regretfully, “This marriage is legally binding. I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do… I am so sorry, Baudelaires. I can’t believe how easily I was tricked!”

“You were easily tricked!” Count Olaf gloated.

Lilac looked desperately out at the audience who, horrifyingly, were gorging on appetisers the henchpeople handed out to celebrate. “Count Olaf was going to kill my baby sisters if I didn’t go through with the marriage!” She explained, looking to Justice Strauss to see if the threat would make the marriage invalid, but the judge just looked at her sadly. Everyone was staring at her and it needed to stop.

“Stop!” Klaus demanded, as he and the rest of his siblings ran to Lilac’s side. He wasn’t talking to the audience, he was talking to the Count, who had begun to dance.

“You have to let our sisters go now!” said Nick, “like you promised!”

Justice Strauss looked concernedly between the children and the Count, asking, “Where are Solitude, Sunny, Susie and little Linda?”

Count Olaf accepted a wine glass from one of the silver platters being passed around, “I’m afraid they’re tied up at the moment,” he took a swig, “if you’ll forgive my little joke.”

“Jokes are meant to make people laugh!” Larry said, “but yours are just scary.”

“HAHAHA!” the Count laughed theatrically. Laurie shrank away from the noise, and Justice Strauss wrapped a protective arm around her. “What?” he said, “am I the only one here with a sense of humour?”

“You promised to let her go!” Violet yelled, clenching her fists. The Count continued to dance and drink wine.

“You have to listen to us!” Lilac shouted, turning to the audience, “all of you! Any of you! Our baby sisters are in danger and need to be rescued!”

Count Olaf sighed, “Oh, what kind of husband would I be if I didn’t keep my promises?” He tried to reach to stroke Lilac’s cheek, but Justice Strauss furiously batted his hand out of the way before he could make contact. He reached into his pocket and retrieved the walkie-talkie. Bringing the device to his mouth, he ordered, “Drop the pipsqueaks to their deaths.”

Chapter Text

Bringing the device to his mouth, he ordered, “Drop the pipsqueaks to their deaths.”

“NO!” Lilac screamed. Violet repeated the same word, barely a whisper. The others stiffened, too shocked to utter a single syllable. Count Olaf repeated himself.

“We heard you already, you bastard!” Nick choked through his tears. Klaus and Nick clung to eachothers arms like a lifeline.

“W-we heard him… but I don’t think his henchperson did,” Violet breathed, watching how the man narrowed his eyes at the walkie talkie. Count Olaf removed the back of the device and stared in furious surprise, “which one of you brats stole the batteries?!”

The children glanced at each other in various states of shock. As much as Laurie tried to fight against it, she could not help but to sob with relief. She hadn’t even thought about how the batteries she’d taken from the device would sabotage the Count’s plans; Laurie had simply been trying to find the supplies Veronica had asked her for to make the electromagnetic grappling hook. Justice Strauss hugged her, which Laurie felt slightly guilty about, as she felt Lilac deserved the comfort more than her.

“Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter who the thief is,” Count Olaf declared, “I’ll just have to take care of you all together when we go home tonight.”

Klyde shuddered, knowing exactly what that beast meant by ‘take care of’. Lilac, although still terrified, fixed Count Olaf with a fierce glare and stated, “we aren’t going back to live in that house with you.”

“What did you say, Countess?” Count Olaf said.

“I’m not your Countess. At least-” Lilac glanced at her siblings, “at least I don’t think I am.”

Everyone turned to look at the eldest Baudelaire. She tried to look more confident than she felt.

“And why is that?” Asked Olaf.

“I- I signed the document with my left hand.”

Count Olaf looked at her, then let out a dark laugh.

“Lilac’s right-handed, but she signed the document with her left hand,” Violet elaborated.

“Therefore,” added Klaus, “the document was not signed ‘in the bride’s own hand’ as the law states.”

“Yeah!” Larry yelled. He then made several triumphant sound effects of bombs dropping.

“That doesn’t count,” Olaf scoffed, “you’re just being sore losers and trying to ruin my special day.”

“With all due respect,” started Violet. In the background, Nick coughed into his hand and very loudly muttered “which is none”. Violet continued, “I think Justice Strauss ought to tell us if it counts.” Lilac shot her sister a grateful look.

“That’s right!” Justice nodded, “I should tell you. I am a judge. Let me think.” She paused for several moments. Everyone waited in anticipation of her conclusion. Justice’s conclusion was as follows: “I don’t know.”

Nick facepalmed then wandered off somewhere. Lilac didn’t see where because, like everyone else, she was paying attention to Justice as the woman walked further out on stage. “You should never be afraid to admit that you don’t know something. This is a very complicated case. It would take a formidable legal scholar to solve it.”

“Or,” called a voice from backstage, “a couple of nerds.” Nick wheeled a blackboard on stage, leaned against it, then clapped his hands together “Klaus, Klyde, hit it!”

Klaus and Klyde did indeed ‘hit it’, and by this, I mean that they hit the blackboards repetitively with multiple sticks of chalk as they explained complex legal matters in depth. By the end of their speech, Justice was smiling like a proud mother, and exclaimed, “That moral argument had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells! It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing, and I am happy to say that because Lilac, who is right-handed, signed the document with her left hand, the marriage is invalid.”

“Hooray!” Laurie cheered, jumping up and down and nearly knocking the eldest Baudelaire off her feet with the force of which she hugged her. Lilac found that she was able to laugh a little at this, and a bit of colour returned to her cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Violet whispered to her.

“I am now,” Lilac whispered back, “but we still have to rescue the infants and- have you seen Veronica?”

“I think she’s trapped in the tower room,” Violet shrugged.

“Come on,” said Nick, tugging Klaus with him and gesturing for the others to follow as he descended the steps at the side of the stage, heading for the exit, “let’s go get Soli and the others.”

Lilac moved to follow, but felt someone grab her arm. She stiffened. It was the Count.

“You may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter-”

For once in his life, Mr Poe did something useful, as he cut the Count off mid-sentence, “do you honestly believe I will allow you to continue to care for these twelve children after the treachery I’ve seen here tonight? Why, it was almost a financial disaster!” He broke into a coughing fit then carried on talking, “The Baudelaires will be sent to a suitable guardian -or guardians- and this series of unfortunate events has come to a close.”

The audience cheered. It came out slightly muffled through the appetisers still stuffed inside many of their mouths.

“As for you Count Olaf-” Mr Poe gasped. As did everyone else, because all of the lights suddenly turned off, plunging the theatre into total darkness. Instantly, chaos ensued. Actors tripped over musicians. Musicians tripped over audience members. Audience members tripped over theatre props. Someone grabbed Larry then screamed and let go when they felt the fur of his costume, mistaking him for a live animal. Violet and Nick yelled “Marco!” and “Polo!” until they found eachother, then they linked arms and used their free arms to feel around blindly for the others. Klaus managed to find a wall which he pressed his back against and slid down to a sitting position. Klyde stood still and screamed whenever anyone bumped into him. Laurie found the situation rather exciting, and ran around blindly, giggling every time she crashed into someone or something.

Lilac however, had gone to a part of the room none of her siblings were at. During the performance, she had been watching the light controls intently, incase inspiration struck for a last-minute invention involving them, so she knew where the light switch was and, even though it was dark Lilac managed to stumble her way over there.

Just as she reached the switch, a prickle ran down Lilac’s spine, and she felt hot breath on her neck. Then, right in her ear, Count Olaf’s raspy voice hissed, “I’ll get my hands on your fortune if it’s the last thing I do. And when I have it, I’ll kill you and your siblings with my own two hands; I’ll string you all up and hang you like a paper chain in my dining room.”

Lilac trembled, a high-pitched sound of terror escaping her lips. Adrenaline powered her, and she tugged the switch on. Light flooded the theatre. Everyone blinked and squinted as their eyes adjusted. Once they did, and everyone could see clearly again, dread pooled into the bottom of Lilac’s stomach as she realised Count Olaf had vanished, seemingly into thin air. His henchpeople were gone too.

“Where did he go?!” Cried Klyde, “where did they all go?!”

Violet and Nick helped Klaus up from the wall he’d been panicking against. Laurie, Klyde, Larry, and -after a moment of being frozen- Lilac joined them. Once they were united, the Baudelaires then looked around in astonishment, wondering where on earth the Count and his accomplices could have vanished to so quickly, and without a trace.

“Maybe they ran outside while it was still dark,” Klaus suggested.

“Maybe they realised what they did was wrong and are running to a police station to turn themselves in,” Laurie voiced her hopes.

Violet hummed dubiously, then said, “someone should definitely call the police.”

“I think,” said Nick, gesturing to the audience (about a quarter of whom were urgently discussing things on telephones), “that’s been covered already.”

Lilac nodded absently and said, “…Come on, Mr Poe is leaving now so- so we need to follow him. He’ll know what to do.” They all listened to her and followed the banker with Justice Strauss as he led the way outside. Beyond dozens of yellow street lamps lining the pavement, they saw the two red lights of a long black car which became a speck and then nothing, getting lost in darkness and distance.  

“We have to go after them. We have to catch them,” Violet insisted.

“You let the authorities worry about that,” Justice Strauss said.

“Yes, the police shall capture those criminals in no time,” agreed Mr Poe. The siblings (with the exception of Laurie and Larry who were more naive, and of Veronica and the infants who were still at the Count’s house) the siblings looked at one another and knew it wasn’t as simple as the adults said. Count Olaf was cunning enough to know how to lie low. Cunning enough that the likes of Mr Poe would never stand a chance of capturing him.

Justice Strauss placed one hand over her heart, and the other on Lilac’s shoulder, “You children, come home with me.”

The children stared up at her, smiles tugging the corners of their lips upwards. Lilac felt her throat tightening in a good way, “Do you really mean it?”

“Of course I mean it,” Justice said softly, “you twelve are such wonderful, unique children, and it would make me incredibly happy to share my home with you.”

“Can we use your library every day?” Klaus asked.

“Can I organise the shelves?” Klyde queried.

“Can we work in the garden?” Laurie inquired.

“Can we use your tool kit?” Violet asked.

“Can we get a pet pony and can I get to name it?” Pleaded Larry.

“Okay, okay, guys, let’s not overwhelm her,” advised Lilac.

“The answer to all of your queries,” coughed Mr Poe, “is no. Because, I’m sorry to say, but I cannot allow you children to be raised by someone who is not a relative.”

“What?!” Violet burst at the same time as Nick cried, “That’s such bullshit!”

“As much as I wish my brother wouldn’t swear,” Lilac complained with a pointed look at Nick, who folded his arms in response, “he has a point. After all Justice Strauss has done for us, surely we should be allowed to live with her!”

“We never would have figured out Count Olaf’s scheme without Justice Strauss and her library!” Klyde pointed out.

Klaus nodded, “without her, we’d be dead…” he stared at the ground.

“That may be so,” coughed Mr Poe, “but your parents’ will is very specific. You must be adopted by a living relative. Tonight you will stay with me in my home, and tomorrow I shall go to the bank and figure out what to do with you. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is.” Mr Poe did not sound sorry. Justice Strauss on the other hand sounded very dismayed indeed as she hugged each child in turn and said “goodbye”. When the Baudelaires piled into Mr Poe’s car, they saw Justice Strauss was still standing on the pavement, waving at them. They waved back sadly, and Mr Poe drove off.

***

Mr Poe suggested the children wait in the car while he went in and “retrieved the infants” as he had put it, but the Baudelaires did not want to go any longer than they had to without seeing their missing siblings, so instead Mr Poe waited in the car while the Baudelaires went into the creepy crumbling house, raced upstairs, swung open the door to the tower room, and crowded around the cage which -instead of dangling outside- was not sitting safely in the centre of the room.

“It’s okay, we’re gonna get you out of there,” Lilac soothed them, passing a hairclip to Violet. As Violet worked on the lock, the other siblings caught up with the babies, exclaiming how happy they were to see them again. Every now and again as they spoke, either Solitude, Sunny, or Susie would wave their hands in different shapes, and Lil’ Linda would make shapes of her own, often accompanied by giggles; delighted to be included. The older Baudelaires assumed it was some sort of game the infants had created to pass time.

“Finished!” Violet exclaimed, swinging the cage door open. The infants wasted no time in crawling out, and their siblings wasted no time in scooping them up and passing them around so they could all be hugged. The infants had rather different reactions to being free; Solitude was delighted, and babbled happily to Nick, Larry and Lilac. Sunny was surprisingly chill about the situation; Violet and Klaus praised her for being so brave. Susie still seemed a bit anxious and annoyed about being trapped in the first place, and she squirmed in Klyde’s arms until the archivist set her down on the ground so she could crawl around freely. Lil’ Linda just seemed tired, and she fell fast asleep in Laurie’s arms, clutching a long lock of Laurie’s blonde hair in her tiny fist like a reminder that her older sister had her now, so she was safe again.  

Laurie looked around the room then said in a whisper (as she didn’t want to wake Linda), “I thought Veronica was being kept up here.”

“Me too,” Violet said.

Solitude paused the story she was telling Nick to look up and say, “No. You.” This translated to ‘We thought Veronica went back to you.’

“Ye!” Susie shouted, meaning, ‘She climbed up to us but then one of the evil henchpeople made her go down, so we thought she went back to go to the theatre with all of you.’

By ‘go down’ Susie meant ‘fall’, but her siblings interpreted the phrase to mean that Veronica simply climbed back down the tower.

“Huh, she must be somewhere else in the house then,” Klaus said.

“I bet she’s tied up or something, cause otherwise there’s no way she wouldn’t have freed the babies before we got here,” Nick added.

Lilac tied her hair back, “Alright. We’ll split into smaller groups to search so we find her quicker; Mr Poe said he’d only wait fifteen minutes, otherwise he’ll drive off without us and we’ll have to travel by trolley back to his house.”

“Daehkcid!” Shrieked Sunny, which meant something I probably shouldn’t translate.

“Sunny, we don’t use words like that, it’s not polite.” Lilac chided.

“Nick! Vi! Ronica! Mama!” Sunny protested, meaning ‘I have heard other members of our family swear before, do not attempt to gaslight me, Lilac. I shall not be fooled, for I am no fool, but a great and mighty being.”

Lilac simply shook her head exasperatedly and tightened her ribbon, “Anyway, Nick, Solitude and Susie can be in my group, Violet, you take Klaus and Sunny, then Laurie that leaves you in charge of Klyde, Larry and Linda, do you think you can handle that?”

“Yep!” Laurie nodded, pleased that Lilac trusted her.

“Can I be in Nick’s group?” Klaus requested.

“This’ll only take a few minutes,” said Lilac, knowing that if she agreed to let Klaus switch groups then it’d likely create a domino effect of everyone wanting to rearrange.

“I don’t wanna search,” whined Larry, “I wanna sleep.”

“The quicker we search, the sooner you can get to sleep, and on an actual mattress tonight since we’re staying with the Poes,” Laurie said, using her older sister voice. Larry sighed dramatically and nodded. Lilac caught Laurie’s eye and nodded her approval. Laurie felt like she was glowing.

Violet brushed a bit of dirt off her flower girl costume and said, “Lilac’s group can check the top floor so they won’t have to go as far since they have the most infants, my group can search the middle floor, then Laurie’s group can do the ground floor.”

With everyone in agreement, they left to search their allocated areas.

On the top floor, Lilac and Nick searched behind rotted armchairs as Solitude and Susie crawled beneath the Count’s bed; all they found were dust bunnies; no Veronica. On the middle floor, Violet and Klaus checked the bathtubs incase their sibling had been tied to the taps, and Sunny crawled over to some floor-length curtains and yanked them open; but Veronica wasn’t there either, all Sunny caught sight of was the full yellow moon behind the grimy window. On the ground floor, Laurie held Lil’ Linda and lead Klyde and Larry through the kitchen, the ballroom, the ‘library’ and all of the other rooms without any luck.

She was about to give up and join her siblings’ search upstairs, when something caught her attention. The door to the backyard, where they had been supposed to chop wood, was lying open and swinging in the cold breeze, squeaking on its hinges. Adjusting Lil’ Linda’s orange bonnet to protect her from the cold, Laurie stepped outside. There was something on the grass. It was too dark to tell what. Laurie descended the stone steps and walked up to it, then bent down, squinting. Up so close, Laurie could tell what it was. What she was. She could not help the animal scream that clawed its way out of her throat.

Klyde and Larry came running down to see what all the commotion was about, then Violet came with Klaus and Sunny, then Lilac arrived with Nick, Solitude and Susie. They all crowded around the dark heap on the ground.

“Move,” Lilac ordered, passing Susie to Violet then pushing her way to the front, bending down to the heap, and checking for a pulse...because the heap was Veronica. Though, Veronica didn’t look much like herself; her face was slack, her eyes were closed, her skin was paper white, and one of her legs was bent at an extremely unnatural angle.

“She’s alive,” Lilac breathed, “we need an ambulance now.”

“But the- the telephone is broken,” Klaus said in a shaky voice, remembering how they had wanted to call Mr Poe in advance of their meeting after Nick was hit, but couldn’t.

“Justice Strauss probably has one, I’ll use it!” Violet yelled over her shoulder, already racing up the stone steps and out through the house. While Violet broke into the judge’s house to use her telephone, the rest of the siblings panicked over Veronica.

Lilac ordered Nick and Klaus to find cushions they could use to elevate Veronica’s injured leg and to support her head. Klyde wept inconsolably. Solitude and Sunny held one of Veronica’s hands each, so that she’d know she wasn’t alone anymore. Larry disappeared inside and returned with a bucket of water, which Lilac had to stop him from dumping on Veronica’s head.

“What are you doing?!” Lilac snapped, “this is a serious situation! Why can’t you just behave for once?”

“I know it’s serious!” Larry cried, “I- I watched a cartoon once where someone fainted and water woke them up so- so I- I- Veronica needs to wake up!”

Laurie, who had been standing frozen and dazed, must have taken subconscious notice of these words, because she kneeled down on the damp grass, set Lil’ Linda down gently, placed her hands on her twin’s shoulders, and shook her. “Wake up!” Laurie’s words were halfway between a sob and a scream, “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”

Chapter Text

Lilac refused to cry. Although one of her younger siblings had been whisked away in an ambulance, the mechanic still had ten others to look after, and a situation to fix. Crying was, simply put, the opposite of useful.

And she needed to be useful. Especially now, given how their arrival at the Poe residence had gone as follows:

***

“Arthur!” They heard Mrs Poe squeal from the kitchen as she heard the front door open, “You will not believe the story I just heard!”

“Dear-” Mr Poe had tried, but his wife had simply cut him off, too excited to hold off on spilling the latest gossip.

“The neighbours called, said they went out to see a play, BUT it turned out that the show they saw was not fiction, NO, it was REAL!”

“Honey, I really think this should wait-” Mr Poe coughed.

“No, it most certainly cannot! You haven’t even let me get to the best part! According to the neighbours, two of the performers got married live on stage and- get this- rumour has it that they were uncle and niece! And one of them was underage! Just wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!!” It was then that Mrs Poe stepped out of the kitchen to meet him at the front door, and caught sight of the group of shivering children standing behind him, still in costume, waiting to be granted permission to enter.

The woman stepped aside, but only to grab her camera from the shelf ontop of the coat rack, which she then used to snap a photograph of the kids without warning. If you were to look at that photograph (like hundreds of people would the next morning when it appeared on the front page) you would likely be unable to see it at first, because your eyes would tear up on sight. But after wiping your eyes, you would look down and see seven miserable faces peering back at you. There were actually eleven kids there, but the eldest had instinctively held her arms out to block the others when she heard the camera shutter, which resulted in a few faces being obscured.

Mr Poe walked in. The children could feel the warmth of the house radiating from the doorway and were looking forward to following Mr Poe inside, but Mrs Poe stepped into the doorway, blocking the way while fixing her husband with a stern look, “Darling, I know you aren’t about to force me to watch over all of these orphans when I need to spend tonight writing up THE article of my career. It would be different if there were only say, three, or even six of them, but twelve orphans? Much too distracting!”

Mr Poe coughed awkwardly into a handkerchief then said, “Honey, please, I need to put them somewhere, I can’t leave them out on the streets all night; I would get fired.”

“You’re both horrible!” Klyde burst, “you are dreadful people without an ounce of human decency! We- we just narrowly escaped doom, and returned to find our sister-” instead of finishing his sentence, the archivist dissolved into tears. Lilac wrapped her arm around him; she would have used two so it could be a full hug, but her right arm was holding Lil’ Linda.

“Well,” Mrs Poe put her hands on her hips, “there’s no way I’m letting the orphans stay after being insulted like that!”

Mr Poe sighed, and told the Baudelaires to wait outside while he sorted the issue out.

***

When Mr Poe returned half an hour later, it wasn’t to let the kids inside, but was instead to force them all to squeeze into the back of his tiny car so he could drive them to their new guardian whose address he received from a different banker over the phone.

They squeezed into the vehicle; Lilac (holding Linda) shared the passenger seat with Klyde. The others all sat in the back; with Soli on Nick’s lap, Sunny being hugged by Klaus, and Susie trying (and failing) to fall asleep in Violet’s arms. Although the car was packed, it felt empty without Veronica in it. They had been rumbling along the road for a few minutes when Violet spoke up, breaking the heavy silence and waking Larry who had just begun to nod off against Klaus’s shoulder. “Mr Poe,” Violet said, “We need to turn around. I’m afraid we’ve forgotten our suitcase.”

Lilac’s shoulders tensed and she scolded herself internally for forgetting the suitcase in the first place, and for not being the one to realise it was missing. How was she supposed to look after her siblings when she couldn’t even be trusted with their luggage?

“I’m sorry,” coughed Mr Poe, not sounding very sorry at all, “but it is terribly late, and I shall have to make this drop off as hasty as possible to return in time for work. I shall make the drive to do so the next day which on which I have no meetings scheduled.”

“And when will that be?” Lilac asked tiredly.

“I don’t quite know,” responded Mr Poe, “I shall have to consult with my secretary tomorrow morning. ‘Consult’ means ‘to seek information from’, by the way.”

Normally, Klaus, Klyde or (occasionally) Nick would chime in with ‘We know what that word means’ after Mr Poe gave a definition like that, but this time none of them were in the mood to talk.

The journey was very long and extremely boring. During the first hour of driving, Lilac asked Mr Poe what their new guardian was like, and the man responded by stating he was too weary to answer her after he had such a busy day of banking. He then proceeded to monologue about said banking for the majority of that hour, causing the children to fall asleep and miss hour two altogether. During hour three, some of the older kids had woken up again, so Laurie suggested a game of ‘I spy’ to pass the time. The game ended rather quickly as they soon realised that, because it was pitch-black outside, when they tried to peer out the windows for words to pick, all they could see was their own reflections staring back.

Only Laurie was awake during the fourth hour, when the sound of gravel crunching under tires informed her they were making their way up somebody’s lane. Her face was squished against the glass (if she moved she risked waking Nick who was slumped against her), through it, she spotted various confusing shapes which her imagination contorted into monsters.

‘Well,’ Laurie thought to herself, ‘even if they are monsters then that’s okay, because maybe they’ll be like the creature in that book Klaus likes, and they just need somebody to be nice to them. After all, nobody gets to choose what makes up their DNA, and whether it gives them normal teeth or fangs, or skin or scales, or arms or wings, or ankles or-‘

“Children!” Mr Poe coughed, “Wake up, we have arrived.”

“Finally,” yawned Klyde, removing his glasses to rub his eyes, accidentally elbowing Lilac in the process.

“Mr Poe,” Klaus said groggily, trying his best to sound polite when he asked, “what- what’s that smell?”

Violet and Lilac subtly covered their noses with their sleeves. Everyone else was more obvious about it. Especially Susie who shrieked, “Gabe!” Meaning ‘This smell is so bad I wish I had a rock in place of my nose.’

“Oh- oh I remember it from somewhere…” Laurie said, pausing to think for a moment before saying, “horseradish, yes! That was it! I remember growing it one year after mom gave me the cuts for it after one of her and dad’s business trips. I ended up uprooting them early and giving them to the neighbours cause I couldn’t stand the scent at the time… although now I must admit that it makes me a little nostalgic, so that’s a plus.”

The car stopped, and everyone got out. Now she was outside, Laurie realised that the shapes she had seen had not been monsters at all, but were actually lots and lots of hedges, trimmed to look like various snakes and reptiles.

“Oo!” Solitude yelled, leaning forwards on Nick’s shoulders to try and grab one by its forked tongue.

“We can look at them later, Soli,” Nick whispered, then walked to join the others on the front step. It was too dark to make out what colour the door was, but the children saw the knocker as the banker raised it; it was made of metal and shaped to look like a snake with fearsome fangs.

Sunny pointed between it and herself and shouted “twins!” then barred her teeth.

“Don’t do that!” Mr Poe chided, and knocked three times on the door. The thuds were loud and echoey. Lil’ Linda stared curiously up at Lilac, who flinched a little at the noise. Nobody answered.

Mr Poe turned to the children, “Make sure the little ones don’t bite anything,” he said, rapping the door again. “And you two in the sailor costumes, don’t ask so many questions right away. Nicholas, don’t be sarcastic when you meet Dr Montgomery-”

“It’s Nick.” Nick corrected, then added sarcastically, “But don’t worry about it. It’s not like it’s your job to deal with me or anything.”

“What type of doctor is he?” Asked Klyde.

“What did I just say about questions?” Mr Poe sighed, knocking again, “Violet, what happened to that ribbon in your hair? I thought you looked very distinguished in it. And Lilac and Laurie, please try not to look quite so gloomy.”

That last comment made the eldest Baudelaire scowl, and caused the third-eldest Baudelaire to remove her hairband and tilt her head down so her long blonde hair hid her face from view. The lack of comments after it made Larry hop up to the tallest step in front of the door and announce, “I’m better than all of you!”

Mr Poe raised his hand to knock again, but before his knuckles could make contact with the door, it swung open, casting a beam of light over the children.

“Hello?” Said a voice, “Who could that be at this hour?”

“It’s Mr Poe, from the bank,” coughed Mr Poe from the bank, “and these are your children.”

The children blinked, and once their eyes had sufficiently adjusted to the light, they saw that the figure in the doorway was a man with a marvellous squiggly moustache, who wore silk pyjamas with tiny images of snakes, frogs, and pterosaurs embroidered on them. Hugging his feet were a pair of very cosy looking slippers designed to resemble crocodiles, whose mouths opened every time he took a step, which the children observed when he took a step back at Mr Poe’s words. He ran a hand through his dark curls and laughed, “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong address. I don’t have any children, or a wife for that matter. It’s only Gustav and I who reside here.” The man seemed to notice how miserable the kids looked because he then said, “Say, it’s terribly late. How about you all come in for a cup of tea? Or,” he smiled at the younger ones, “perhaps some hot cocoa?”

“Thank you, we would appreciate that very much,” Lilac said as Mr Poe pushed them all inside and shut the door.

“Dr Montgomery,” Mr Poe began, “may we have a word in private?”

Dr Montgomery who, to be perfectly honest, was still half-asleep, glanced confusedly between the banker and the children, “Is that really necessary?”

“Yes.” Mr Poe answered simply.

Dr Montgomery nodded, then said, “Very well then, if we must. But please, first” he turned to face the children (it was a nice change for an adult to speak to them rather than about them) “let me show you to the sitting room and allow me to call Gustav down so he can give you some warm drinks.”

The children smiled, albeit weakly. Larry raised his hand; a pointless gesture given he spoke immediately without waiting for someone to tell him to talk, “I’m gonna eat your food.”

“Larry,” Violet muttered, “that’s so rude. At least ask.”

“But then he could say no,” Larry pointed out, not even lowering his voice.

Dr Montgomery chuckled, although there was concern growing behind his eyes, “I don’t allow you children to eat, I implore you to! Gustav and I accidentally bought far too many tins of peaches last time we went shopping, and I would hate for them to go to waste!”

Larry literally jumped for joy, the propellors on his hat spinning with the movement. The other siblings too felt some of the tension lifting from their shoulders; even if this Dr Montgomery person didn’t agree to foster them, then at least they could satisfy their hunger before they left.

Mr Poe coughed, giving his watch a pointed glance. Dr Montgomery’s eyes narrowed a little, and it seemed as though he was intentionally ignoring the banker’s gesture when he remained facing the children and inquired, “Is there anything else you’d like to say?”

Larry raised his hand again. Dr Montgomery nodded encouragingly at him.

“Your moustache looks like a squirmy snake.” Larry stated.

“Now-” Mr Poe began to talk sternly to Larry, but Dr Montgomery simply cut him off, smiling widely, “Why thank you, I’m very pleased to hear that! As a herpetologist I love all sorts of snakes; squirmy and otherwise. And I’m guessing you like horses?”

Larry’s mouth turned into an ‘O’ shape, “How did you know?”

“Oh, it’s just one of my many magic tricks,” Dr Montgomery winked, not pointing out that Larry was still wearing his horse costume from the play.

Solitude wanted to ask what sort of snakes didn’t squirm, but before she could, the doctor was yelling for Gustav, and shortly after that a man wearing a dressing gown whose rope resembled a roll of film came downstairs and showed the Baudelaires to the sitting room whilst Mr Poe and Dr Montgomery discussed them in a separate room. They all startled when they heard a shriek from the top of the staircase, but they were informed it was “just the shrieking iguana clock”.

Gustav made small talk with the children and gave them canned peaches (which he poured into a big bowl and set in the middle of the coffee table), toast on colourful plates, and warm drinks in mugs with paintings of different reptiles on them. Lilac, Klaus and Klyde got tea. Violet, Laurie, Nick, Larry and Solitude got hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows. Sunny, Susie, and Lil’ Linda all got warm milk with a little sugar stirred in to make it tastier; it was the nicest drink Lil’ Linda could recall having in her whole life.
—-

“Were you children in a performance?” Gustav asked as he leaned against the oak doorframe, sipping his own cup of bitter tea.

“No, we just dress like this.” One of the boys answered sarcastically, glancing down at his camel costume. Gustav didn’t know any of the children’s names yet, and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of them. Despite the boy’s somewhat rude response, Gustav did not think him to be mean, as the kid had spent most of his time in the sitting room encouraging the little goth toddler to eat more than just her crusts, while his own hot chocolate grew cold. A different kid, a girl with brown hair who wore a flower girl costume, quickly changed the topic. Gustav talked with them for a little more before retreating to the kitchen in the next room over, sensing that the kids would rather be left alone.

—-

The drinks, and the comfortable sofas they’d sunk into meant that before long, the Baudelaires were falling asleep against eachother. Apart from Lilac. Despite being exhausted, she resisted the appeal of sleep, and carefully pulled herself out of the pile of kids on one sofa, tiptoeing into the kitchen where Gustav was.

“Oh, hello,” he said when he saw her, looking up over a magazine with a friendly smile.

“H-Hi,” Lilac said, looking at the floor, “is it okay if I use your bathroom?”

“Of course,” Gustav answered, leading the way. Once Lilac was inside the bathroom, and she’d heard Gustav’s footsteps retreat, she locked the door; checking three times to make sure the lock was definitely working properly. She turned around, and accidentally caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She froze for a second before sliding down to sit on the floor, her back against the solid door. She was still in that wedding dress. And her face still had make-up smeared all over it; those ridiculous pink circles marring her cheeks. That wasn’t her face. Those weren’t her clothes. She didn’t look like herself. She didn’t feel like herself.

Lilac felt herself shatter. Felt her throat tightening, her eyes burning, her head aching, shoulders shaking… the tears came and she could not stop them. She let herself sob, burying her face in her arms to muffle the sounds; using her skirts would have been the better option, but she didn’t want any more of her to have to touch that cursed gown than already was.

Lilac wasn’t sure how long she stayed there. It could have been an hour; or it could have been half. Eventually, she pulled herself up, walked to the sink (glistening; no mould in sight), scrubbed her face harder than necessary till there wasn’t so much as a hint of powder on it, then splashed her eyes with cold water so the redness of them wouldn’t give away the fact she’d been crying. Next, she took a few deep breaths, then returned, joining her siblings in the living room and, despite her best efforts not to, falling into a deep and much-needed sleep.

Chapter Text

Klyde awoke disoriented. The first thing he registered was that he was comfortably warm; that was enough to set alarm bells off. He hadn’t slept in a warm house since before the fire.

The second thing he noticed was that his left arm was completely numb, and when he squinted (because his glasses had fallen off at some point) he realised it was because someone had fallen asleep against him. It took a lot of strength, but eventually Klyde managed to pull himself out of the tangle of bodies on the sofa, falling onto the carpeted floor with a graceful thump.

By that point, the archivist had remembered where he was. He felt around on the floor for his glasses but couldn’t find them. Panic began to set in. He couldn’t afford to lose his glasses, he needed them. His vision was terrible; he couldn’t even tell who was who on the sofas; the figures just blurred together into vague silhouettes.

His breaths started coming in quicker, his chest constricting. He couldn’t get enough air in. His eyes began to burn. He frantically patted the floor around him, hoping one of his hands would land on his glasses. He was in a strange house with men he didn’t know. He’d already lost his parents, and his home, and now -albeit temporarily- one of his siblings. He did not think he could handle losing his vision too.

“Hello,” a voice said softly. Klyde startled, flinching. The sound came from where he remembered the doorway being; a figure stood there, becoming bigger as they walked closer, and then smaller as they bent down to (sit? Kneel? Klyde couldn’t tell) eye-level with Klyde.

“Are you alright?” The adult asked. He couldn’t be certain, as he hadn’t known them very long, but he thought it sounded more like Gustav’s voice than Dr Montgomery’s.

Klyde shook his head hesitantly and said, “I cannot locate my spectacles.”

“Ah,” said the shape, “are these them?”

Klyde held out his arm unsurely. Gustav put a hand around the archivist’s arm and slowly guided it towards the coffee table. There, Klyde felt a pair of neatly folded glasses. Dragging his fingers along their frames confirmed that they were his own circular ones, and not Klaus’s which were more rectangular. He put them on, letting out a quiet breath of relief as the world snapped back into focus.

“Yes, these are mine. Thank you very much.”

“All in a day’s work,” Gustav winked like a spy. He looked like a spy too, in that cool leather jacket he wore, as he walked towards the door, gesturing for the archivist to follow. Klyde followed Gustav into the kitchen, where he saw Laurie, Sunny, and Dr Montgomery, covered in flour and giggling giddily.

“Hello?” Klyde greeted. Dr Montgomery spun to face him, his smile growing even wider than it already was, “Hello hello hello!” Dr Montgomery exclaimed. Klyde stepped closer and shook his hand.

Dr Montgomery placed his hands on his hips, staring intently at Klyde, “Circular glasses, black hair, and a sophisticated demeanour; you must be Klyde Dashiell Baudelaire! Am I correct?”

Klyde nodded, a little bewildered.

“Laurie has just started telling me all about you and your siblings!” Dr Montgomery explained, sending a smile Laurie’s way, “That old prune Mr Poe gave me a list of names you see, but he even got some of them wrong! Can you believe it? Anyway, I’m very excited to get to know each and every one of you! I’ve always wanted to have children!”

“How come you never had any of your own?” Inquired Klyde.

“Oh, it just kept slipping my mind,” Dr Montgomery answered, with a mischievous glint in his eyes as he caught Gustav’s eye, as though they were sharing some kind of joke.

“Mary Berry!” Yelled Sunny, clapping her hands together from where she sat on the countertop, causing a cloud of flour to explode around her.  

“I think Sunny wants to continue baking,” Laurie said.

“Well,” said Dr Montgomery, “how could I argue with an adorable little face like hers?” He walked back over to the counter, picking Sunny up. Klyde marvelled at how easily Sunny let the man carry her; she didn’t even attempt to bite him!

Gustav coughed, giving the herpetologist a pointed look, “Monty, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Ah! Yes, yes, of course! Klyde, my boy, I nipped out to the shops earlier this morning to pick up a few items of clothing since Mr Poe has informed me he won’t drop off your luggage until a later date. They’re in oh-oh dear, where did I place them?”

Gustav sighed fondly, “I’m sure I can find them.”

“Thank you, amore mio,” Dr Montgomery said, which confused Klyde as he had been certain the other man’s name was ‘Gustav’ not ‘amore mio’; he had even written it down in his pocket notebook. The herpetologist continued to speak, addressing Klyde this time, “Please, make a list of anything you might need and we’ll go into town tomorrow and buy it.”

***

The Baudelaires’ first day with Dr Montgomery, or Uncle Monty as he’d instructed them to call him, was extremely pleasant. They got to change out of their itchy costumes and into more comfortable clothes (though Nick still had the outfit he’d worn since that day on Briny Beach -as he’d worn them under his costume- but Violet and Klaus managed to convince him to wear clothes from the plie Monty had bought so his own clothes could be washed and he could wear them again the next day). And they got to choose their own bedrooms.

Lilac chose one of the smaller rooms on the second floor. With Monty’s permission, she covered the walls with blackboard paint so she could have lots of space to work out calculations as she brainstormed different methods of upgrading various mechanical devices.

Violet was the only kid who picked a room on the ground floor. She copied Lilac’s idea of sketching on the walls. Except instead of using blackboard paint, Violet tacked large sheets of paper to her walls so that she’d never have to erase any of her ideas like Lilac would. There was an extra bed in her room so naturally, instead of pushing it into a different room, she decided to dump a load of materials onto it which she thought might inspire inventions in the future.

Laurie chose a room upstairs which had a spectacular view over the garden, so she could admire the snake-shaped hedges, plants, and the maze from above. She decorated her walls by tacking up crayon drawings Sunny and Susie had made after lunch; it made the space look nice and vibrant. What Laurie liked most about her room, however, was that it was large; meaning that an extra bed could go in it for when Veronica would return. Laurie hoped that was soon.

Nick, Klaus and Solitude shared a room. There were two single beds in it, and a crib which sat at the foot of Nick’s bed. Their room had plenty of hard furniture for Solitude to bite. It also had a cosy alcove. The boys had, with Monty’s help, carried up two large cushioned chairs from the living room and placed them right in the alcove, under a heavy brass reading lamp. In the hours between lunch and dinner, the boys sat in those chairs, taking turns to read aloud to Solitude from some of Uncle Monty’s reptile books, as she rolled around on the floor out of excitement at the information. At several points, the twins caught each other’s eyes and smiled; their little sister was turning out to be a budding herpetologist.

Klyde chose a rectangular room with three evenly spaced rectangular windows which let in lots of light so he could see better as he sorted files. The walls in his room were lined with shelves, and Gustav had let him take a spare filing cabinet from his office and put it next to his bedroom door. The archivist was overjoyed.

Larry chose a small room next to Klyde’s because Nick got bored and decided to tell him that there was a herd of tiny ponies in it which lived under the floorboards and only came out at night. Larry decided to decorate his room by wonkily drawing a big horse on the wall in bright red sharpie. Unlike the others, he did not ask permission before making this customisation.

The room between Lilac’s room and the one Monty and Gustav shared had been turned into a nursery for Sunny, Susie, and Lil’ Linda. Susie had went scavenging through the house and managed to gather a collection of hard objects for her and Sunny to bite. Lil’ Linda hadn’t done anything of the sort because, as she was still very young, she hadn’t quite figured out what she enjoyed yet. Violet tried to help her youngest sister find something she liked by showing her a music box she’d found, but Lil’ Linda was thoroughly unimpressed, and Sunny and Susie stared at Violet like she was the dumbest person on the planet. Violet left to retreat to her own room, feeling heavily judged.

After dinner (which they all ate together at the table, as Monty found extra chairs to put around it so there was room for all of them), everyone ate the coconut cream cake which Monty, Laurie and Sunny had baked that morning. It was fluffy and delicious. The conversation flowed easily, as the adults didn’t mind questions or sarcasm, and seemed to find the children’s light bickering with one another to be amusing as opposed to tiresome.

After Solitude had excitedly recounted the passages Nick and Klaus read to her about a small Peruvian snake, Monty responded by clapping his hands together and saying, “Excellent! Why, Solitude, I do believe you shall make a fine herpetologist someday! And your research into this particular snake shall come in particularly useful once we move to Peru!”

“Hold up- what??” Violet said, dropping her fork.

“Oh? Did I not mention that we are to emigrate soon?” Uncle Monty asked casually.

“No,” Lilac blinked, “no you did not.”

The siblings shared a look, halfway between excited and confused. (Lil’ Linda could semi-understand what was going on via hand gestures Solitude made; she didn’t manage to get the word ‘Peru’ across, but Solitude did manage to pass on the message that they were gonna swim to an island… and that was, well, it was better than nothing.)

Lil’ Linda smacked a hand over her mouth, meaning, ‘I am shocked and enthralled.’

“Why are we moving to Peru?” Violet asked.

“Are we really going?” Questioned Klyde.

“When are we emigrating?” Klaus inquired.

“Do the ponies in Peru speak English? Or Peruish?” Larry asked.

“Snake!” Solitude shrieked. (‘I am thoroughly excited regarding the prospect of seeing the various Peruvian reptiles which my brothers read to me about!’’)

Uncle Monty chuckled at their enthusiasm, and answered with excitement of his own, “We are moving to Peru to discover different species of snakes! Gustav and I discovered a new species the last time we went exploring, which we’ll show you after dessert!”

Gustav stepped in to answer the questions Monty had forgotten, “We plan to move at the end of this week. We’re also going to hire an assistant a couple of days before we leave to help us organise everything for the journey; they’ll help with documents, luggage, and the likes… and as far as I’m aware, horses don’t speak at all, they only neigh.”

Larry looked crestfallen.

“Oh, we don’t know that, maybe they just wait until no people are around and then they talk,” Monty said, watching as Larry brightened again. He then spotted Laurie, who was sandwiched between Larry and an empty seat, and noticed she’d barely eaten any of her dessert, “Laurie, don’t you like coconut?”

Laurie looked up, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, “oh, yes, I like it lots. I just- I was just wondering, but is Veronica gonna be better by then? Cause I don’t know how long she’s supposed to stay in hospital for.”

Monty and Gustav locked eyes abruptly, then asked in unison, “…Who’s Veronica?”

Chapter Text

“Oh, kill me nowwwwwww,” Veronica moaned, burying her head under the stiff hospital duvet as she heard the footsteps of a large group of people approaching her ward. The ‘Volunteers Fighting Disease’ had already visited her twenty times in the two weeks she’d been there; always leaving her with a raging headache and a heart shaped balloon.

The last time they’d come, she’d threatened to rip out their vocal cords if they even thought about singing at her. But that had just made them dial their sickening cheeriness up several notches; they must’ve been convinced it was needed to combat her negativity or something. Oh well, she’d just have to up the ante with the threats this time, perhaps if she sounded vicious enough then they’d finally back off.

With that in mind, when the door to her ward creaked open, and Nurse Mickey announced, “Veronica Baudelaire, you have visitors.” Veronica -with her face still buried under the covers- shouted (with as much venom as she could muster) “If you all don’t fuck off in the next five seconds, I’m gonna carve out your livers, sell them on the black market, and use the money to buy a chainsaw to finish the job!!”

“…Perhaps it is better if we go in one at a time,” suggested a voice the electrician didn’t recognise. If the volunteers sang to her separately then she might actually follow through with her threat. Her leg was already throbbing horribly and she would rather not have a side of headache with it, thank you very much.

By the time Veronica dragged her head out from under the covers, there was only one person standing at the foot of her bed, the others apparently waiting in the hallway outside (she guessed).

“Hello!” Greeted the man, very cheery for someone who’d just been threatened (ugh, those volunteers-fighting-disease were insufferable). “I’m Dr Montgomery, but please, call me Uncle Monty.”

Veronica pulled a face. As the man was not wearing a white coat, she could only assume he was one of the ‘singing heals people’ doctors, so, with that in mind, she said in the most monotone voice she could muster, “Laughter is not the best medicine.”

The man blinked, paused, and then smiled slightly, “Not unless you are the Humorial Cobra, of course, which can only shed its skin to the sound of laughter or jazz music.”

Veronica stared at him.

“I’m a herpetologist,” he explained.

“What.”

“I study snakes!” He beamed, “I love snakes, all kinds, and I circle the globe in search of something that can encircle a globe!”

“If you aren’t a medical doctor, and you’re not here to sing at me, then why are you here?”

Dr Montgomery burst into a brief fit of laughter, then when he was finished, he said, “Oh, oh my goodness, how silly of me! I forgot to tell you! I am your new guardian, your siblings already share a home with Gustav and I, and from today onwards, you will to!”

“Oh,” said Veronica, cheeks flushing with embarrassment at the dreadful first impression she’d made, “uh- pleased to meet you?”

“And I am so happy to meet you!” Uncle Monty exclaimed. He seemed to always be smiling, he was a little like Laurie that way. Veronica just hoped that he still smiled behind closed doors, that his kindness was not exclusively for show.

“I’m terribly sorry not to have come to see you before now, Veronica, but Mr Poe unfortunately neglected to inform me of your existence, let alone the name of the hospital you were staying at, so I had to drive to quite a number of hospitals inquiring if they had a patient with your name.”

“I see,” Veronica nodded, “…Can I see my siblings now?”

“Of course,” Monty answered, reaching down to squeeze her shoulder. As he did so, she stiffened but managed not to flinch. Still, she thought she saw the man’s face cloud over, but it could’ve been a trick of the light because a split-second later it returned to normal.

As Monty went out to the hallway to gather the others, Veronica attempted to gather herself. She pushed herself up to a sitting position, back against the cold metal bars of the bed’s headrest. Even that small action took a lot of effort; her leg, the one that was broken, was caged in a heavy brace, and the limb hurt even when she wasn’t moving it, let alone when she was. Next, she ran her fingers through her tangled black hair, which she was sure looked like a greasy bird’s nest. Finally, she smoothened some of the wrinkles out of her hospital gown.

When the door swung open again, her siblings came crashing through like a tidal wave, making a beeline for her bed and swarming around her. Veronica couldn’t help but laugh at the sight, relief washing over her; she almost hadn’t realised just how wrong it had felt being separated from her siblings until they were back together again, as they were always meant to be.

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” Laurie exclaimed, enveloping her twin in a hug.

“And I’m glad you all are too,” Veronica said, looking at them all, particularly at Lilac, who was not wearing a wedding ring or a white dress, but was instead clad in an outfit that looked like one a witch would wear, which made it clear the eldest Baudelaire had chosen the outfit herself.

“Soli almost got eaten by a snake!” Larry yelled excitedly, pushing Klyde out of the way to get to the front.

“Sure she did,” Veronica rolled her eyes, giving Solitude a little pat on the head as Nick held her out.

“Actually,” said Klaus, “when Uncle Monty was giving us a tour of the reptile room, the Incredibly Deadly Viper managed to escape from its cage and bite Soli on the chin.”

Veronica’s face contorted in horror. Before she could get too scared, Solitude cut in to say, “It okay! Good snake. No bad.” While moving her hands to make the ‘okay’ gesture, followed by a thumbs up, followed by a thumbs down whilst shaking her head. Veronica didn’t know what the gestures were about, but she knew what her sister’s babbling meant.

“Soli, are you absolutely sure the Incredibly Deadly Viper is really the least dangerous and most friendly creature in the entire animal kingdom?” Veronica asked.

“Yeh!” Solitude yelled. She then continued to babble, talking for the longest amount of time the electrician had ever heard her speak, recounting information about the viper in question while flapping her hands as she liked to do when she was excited. A grin spread up Veronica’s cheeks as she listened, and she glanced up at Nick who mouthed ‘She’s into herpetology now,” with an equally large grin on his face.

The siblings talked more, catching up with one another. The conversation only came to a halt when a nurse informed them that visiting hours were almost up, and that Veronica must be discharged immediately now she had somewhere to go, since the bed was needed for another patient. The nurse then pushed a wheelchair round the side of the bed, through a pathway her siblings had cleared via stepping back, and helped Veronica into it.

Logically, Veronica knew she shouldn’t have felt humiliated by this, but she did. Especially given how her siblings stared.

“I didn’t realise your injury was so serious.” Klyde stated, blunt as ever.

“ ‘s a broken femur,” Veronica shrugged, not meeting anyone’s eye. She trusted that either Nick or Klaus would have read some medical textbook at some point and could explain it to the others later, preferably when she wasn’t around to hear it. She’d already heard it explained to her countless times by doctors who used words she’d had to borrow another patient’s dictionary to understand. Like ‘chronic pain’, and ‘fatigue’ and ‘ambulatory wheelchair user’. Basically, from her understanding of it, she was going to be in pain every day for the rest of her life and there was fuck all she could do about it.

“Um, we brought you clothes,” said Lilac after a beat of awkward silence. She thrust a bag at Veronica, not looking at her face, but instead staring curiously at the brace round her leg. ‘Stop it!’ She wanted to scream, ‘Stop staring at me like that! I’m not some mechanical device for you to fix!’ Instead of saying that though, Veronica placed the bag in the middle of her lap and wheeled over to the bathroom, pressing the button to open the door, and going in, glad for the barrier the door offered between her and staring eyes.

It was a long time before Veronica left the bathroom. Not because it took her ages to get changed (although it did take longer than it would have if she were uninjured), but because she made the mistake of looking at herself in the mirror after changing.

She wore a green sailor dress; it made her look about as okay as she ever felt she looked in anything. She never particularly cared about fashion on account of

A: The fact it was, to her, a dreary subject, and

B: How she hated the way clothes sat on her, regardless of the patterns or colour of their fabric.

A sharp pang ran through her at the sight. It was even worse now. Not because of her eyebags, or the scratches on her pale face, or even the contraption round her leg, but because of how she’d- how she’d changed as she got older. And how, since the fire, her dark hair had grown longer, and now fell over her shoulders and stuck uncomfortably to the back of her neck. Her reflection presented a depressing portrait. She clenched her eyes shut, took a shaky breath, and wheeled back out of the bathroom.

Before they exited the hospital, a nurse gave Veronica clunky grey hospital-issued crutches (which Laurie held), and painkillers which she pocketed. Lilac placed her hands on the handlebars of the wheelchair, but Veronica twisted her body round to glare at her. Lilac got the message and let go, then Veronica pushed herself, following the others to the yellow jeep she’d been informed was Uncle Monty’s.

***

Veronica had to wait inside the vehicle for a while whilst Lilac and Violet worked on building a ramp so she could get up the front step. She told them she could just switch to using crutches to get in, but they brushed her off, saying it’d only take a few minutes.

In the jeep, her siblings told her of the adventures they’d had in her absence.

As they went indoors, and Veronica took in her surroundings (after managing to whack her hand on the doorframe as she pushed herself in. ow.), Monty yelled “Gustav!” Nobody responded.

“One moment, I’ll bring Gustav down, he’s been so excited to meet you, Veronica.” Uncle Monty disappeared up the stairs, returning alone, “It appears Gustav has gone out to run some errands, or perhaps to visit a friend. How about I make us some drinks?”

 They all sat around the large dining table with hot cups of coffee, tea or milk in front of them. The siblings continued to chatter, and Susie rushed off with Laurie, returning several moments later, eager to show Veronica a glass bowl inhabited by an extremely unnerving fish Susie said Nick found for her in The Grim River when he, Violet and Larry went out exploring last Wednesday.

“Speaking of exploring,” said Violet, “Monty says we’re moving to Peru in two weeks.”

“Peru?” Veronica gasped, almost choking on her coffee, excitement building, “really?”

“Yep!” Laurie smiled, “we were supposed to have left already, but Uncle Monty rescheduled cause we wanted to make sure you’d definitely be better by the time we leave!”

“Thanks for waiting,” Veronica said, taking another sip.

“I’ve hired a man named Stephano as an assistant, he informed me over the phone that he’s been to Peru before, so he should be of great help!” Uncle Monty said, “He shall arrive a few days before we leave, to help us pack the correct equipment. I was hoping a few of you could help me set up his room upstairs, there’s already a bed in it but the room itself could use a good tidy.”

“But that was gonna be Veronica’s bed!” Laurie protested, “I was gonna push it into my bedroom so we could be roommates. I’ve already put string lights up on her side, and they look really pretty.” Laurie was not usually the sort to complain, but she had missed her twin dreadfully when they were separated, and could not bear to spend another night apart. Veronica's absence had been agonising. Laurie had kept beside her to make a remark, or share a thought, only to find her twin was not there.

“Veronica can share with me instead,” said Violet, “there’s still two beds in it from when I first moved in, cause I didn’t see any point in moving the second one out. So, there’s space for her. Plus, unlike yours, my bedroom is on the ground floor, so it’ll be easier.”

Veronica was suddenly fascinated by the coffee drops on the side of her mug.

“I guess…” Laurie conceded, “…but, can I stay there too sometimes? Like a sleepover?”

Violet looked to Veronica, who nodded. Laurie brightened again, and asked, “tonight?”

And so, Veronica’s first night at Uncle Monty’s house was spent surrounded by her siblings in a blanket fort Lilac built. They told stories, and shared dreams for the future. At midnight, they snuck out to the kitchen and made delicious s’mores and hot chocolate, then they hurried back to the blanket fort where they talked and laughed among themselves. Solitude conked out on a mountain of blankets, with a frog (who she insisted on bringing with her) curled up on her chest.

That night, they slept peacefully, filled with laughter, marshmallows, and relief.

Chapter Text

Gustav had still not returned the next morning, or the morning after that, or the morning after that… almost two weeks had gone by and the man had not returned. Still, Klyde kept their routine up. Every day he would rise at 7AM, get ready for the day, and bring two cups of bitter tea into Gustav’s office, where Klyde would sort files containing movie scripts, and Gustav would sit at his desk writing new ones in companionable silence.

Except now the silence was not companionable, because the only thing that sat at Gustav’s desk was a cold cup of tea. Klyde sighed, sliding the last drawer of the filing cabinet shut.

He approached the door to the reptile room; at first glance, you would think it needed approximately twenty-three keys, seven finger prints, and two retinal scans to be unlocked. But, as Uncle Monty showed the children, they could simply twist the door knob instead.

He went in with the hope of finding company and, sure enough, some of his siblings were there. Solitude was playing tag with The Incredibly Deadly Viper. Susie was pressing her face against the tank of her beloved pet fish; admiring its rows of spiky teeth. Larry was playing with the My Little Pony dolls Monty got him in one corner. In a different corner, Klaus sat on an armchair, with a creature by his feet whom Veronica had dubbed Klaus’s ‘emotional support crocodile’ because he liked to complain to it when he thought nobody was listening.

The archivist was about to strike up a conversation with Klaus, but as he walked over, he spotted an iguana stretching its tongue out towards a plastic pony. He managed to reach in and swipe it away moments before the creature could swallow it.

“Larry,” Klyde groaned, “how many times do we have to tell you not to put your toys in the reptile tanks?! They could choke!”

“Ponies don’t eat reptiles, they eat hay.” Larry raised an eyebrow like his brother was the dumbest person in the world.

Klyde let out a frustrated huff, and explained what he actually meant. Larry responded via scooping up his dolls from the floor into his arms and huffing, “They just wanted to explore! You’re NO fun!” while dramatically leaving to play somewhere else. Seconds after Larry stormed out, Lilac and Violet went in, bickering about the best way to repair a particular snake trap. After them, Nick entered, started walking over to join Klaus by the bookshelves, stopped short, muttered, “shit. Forgot again.”, turned and walked back out the way he came, then returned a minute later with some notepads which he and Klaus then used to take notes on the Peruvian reptiles they were reading about.

Klyde opened the cabinet nearest to him but found the venom samples inside were already organised into neat rows, so instead he decided to entertain himself by going over to the record player and putting on some Pink Floyd. Sunny crawled into the Reptile Room to see what the noise was about, then, uninterested in dancing, found a piece of rope which she bit into shorter pieces with great enthusiasm. Lil’ Linda, who had been following Sunny, crawled over to Klaus, who held his hand out for a high-five. Instead, she licked it, and Nick (who was beside Klaus) burst into a fit of laughter.

The musical ringing of the doorbell cut over the commotion, and everyone bar Lil’ Linda (who was deaf), and Uncle Monty, Veronica and Laurie (who were away to one of Veronica’s much dreaded physical therapy appointments) turned in the direction of the sound.

“I’LL GET IT!” Yelled Larry, who was in the entrance hall anyway as he’d been making his toys slide down the banister one after the other. The other siblings resumed with their activities in the reptile room, barely glancing out its open door to look at Larry in the hall.

The doorbell rang again. “Jeez LOUISE,” said Larry, loud enough that whoever was on the other side of the door would surely be able to hear him, “have some patience eugh.” He turned the knob and pushed. Nothing happened. This is because it was a ‘pull’ door. After several minutes of trying and failing to push it open, Larry figured this out too, and opened the door. As soon as he did so, the stranger on the other side, stepped in. He was bald, had no eyebrows, had a long frizzy grey beard, and wore glasses even that looked even weirder that Klyde’s. All in all, he didn’t have a lot going for him.

“Thank you for opening this door for me. You have a very beautiful home,” said the stranger in an odd squeaky accent.

“It’s all in a day’s work,” responded Larry, saying the phrase that Gustav always sounded cool saying.

“I am Stephano,” stated the man, “I am a certified snake-studier, and I have several degrees in studying reptiles. I am here to be the assistant of Dr Montgomery Montgomery.”

“Who?” Larry said.

Stephano blinked several times. Then he said, “You know? Dr Montgomery? You have lived with him for-”

Larry cut him off to say, “No, who asked?” He then mimicked several bombs dropping, adding sound-effects as well, to make his line seem as epic as he believed it was.

“You little shit!” Stephano seethed, dropping the accent. Larry ceased the sound-effects, hesitating. He couldn’t put his finger on what exactly was wrong, but he found himself frightened suddenly. He wouldn’t admit that, though. So, he ran towards the reptile room (the door to which was lying wide open), and yelled, “I made a friend and you didn’t!” at Klyde, who had been in the middle of sorting music records by year. The archivist simply rolled his eyes and resumed what he was doing.

“Stephano says he wants to meet you all!” Larry blurted, not wanting to admit he was nervous about being alone with the man when he had no reason behind the emotion.

“Alright,” said Lilac, clapping her hands together, “move it, people!”

The people did move it. They wandered into the entrance hall, where they saw the dark silhouette of Stephano by the door.

“How do you do?” Klyde greeted as he approached. Susie, who was in his arms, shrieked “Hooda!” which meant the same thing.

As the siblings all stepped even closer, their stomachs sank, and their smiles wilted. Violet held Sunny tighter, Klaus did the same but with Lil’ Linda.

“…You’re Count Olaf,” Lilac breathed.

“I am Stephano,” the man who was not Stephano insisted, “Perhaps one of you can take my suitcases up to my room.”

“You’re Olaf, and we’re not letting you stay here,” Nick hissed, taking a step closer, and using the arm that wasn’t holding Solitude to try push the man out the door.

Count Olaf whipped a large knife out from behind his back and lunged at Nick, who side-stepped just in time, breathing heavily, eyes blown wide with horror.

“Well, I see you children haven’t changed a bit.” The man said in his regular voice, not bothering with the accent, “Nick, you’re obviously as stubborn as ever. Klaus and Klyde still wear those idiotic glasses from reading too many books.” As he spoke, the children had gathered together, and were walking backwards up the staircase to avoid the tip of Olaf’s knife, which got closer and closer as he followed them slowly like a wild beast waiting for the right time to pounce. Lilac held out her arms to block her siblings from reach incase he decided to strike.

“Lilac, you’re as overprotective as ever,” Count Olaf continued.

“I’d hardly call it overprotective when you’re threatening us with a knife,” Violet scoffed.

“And Violet, you’re still so… disagreeable,” the man sighed, “the infants just look a little bigger, and I can see little Linda here still has nine toes instead of ten.”

“Fut!” Susie shrieked, meaning, ‘No she does not!’

Solitude tried to translate the situation for her youngest sister by holding ten fingers out, then putting one down, then wiggling her feet, but Lil’ Linda just stared questioningly at her and gestured for her to try say it again with different movements. Whilst Solitude did so, Klaus, who was holding Lil’ Linda, looked down at Olaf and said in a confused voice, “What are you talking about? My sister has ten toes, like the vast majority of people.”

“Really?” Growled the Count, “That’s odd. I could have sworn she lost one of her toes in an accident. I seem to recall a man named Stephano being so confused by being called Count Olaf that he accidentally dropped his knife on one of her little feet and severed one of her toes.” They had reached the top of the staircase, there wasn’t much more space for them to back away.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Violet said fiercely.

“Gretel!” Sunny shouted, meaning, ‘I’ll sever your toes and turn them into stew if you hurt my little sister!”

Count Olaf stepped closer, his knife gleaming in the light of a nearby lamp, “Let’s not discuss what I would or would not dare do. Instead, let’s discuss your poor, unfortunate parents.” He tapped a framed photograph of a piano with the tip of his knife. This confused everyone, but they were too intimidated to ask why he did that. “Your father and mother were very brave in their days… but their days are done, Baudelaires. Now, all that’s left of them is their enormous fortune, and that enormous fortune is mine.”

“Never!” Nick shouted.

“Never is a very long time, and your ridiculous Uncle will be back in a few seconds.”

Just then, the screeching iguana clock on the wall screeched, startling Stephano so much he stepped back, giving Lilac enough time to lead her siblings by rushing past him down the stairs. Violet was the last to go, and Olaf managed to grab her arm, but Sunny (who Violet held) leaned forward and sank her sharp teeth into his arm, making him release her. Thankfully the siblings all managed to make it to the safety of the reptile room, slamming the door shut just as the knife Olaf threw was about to hit.

The door shook as the man hammered his fists against it, shouting threats and curses.

“How- how did he find us?” Klaus stuttered.

“That’s the wrong question,” said Violet, “what do we do?” They all turned to Lilac who, in response, tied her hair up with her ribbon and closed her eyes.

---

Outside, Monty’s yellow jeep had just parked, and Veronica was leaning most of her weight on Laurie as she stepped out. Since the jeep was high up, getting out of it was always awkward, but she was (begrudgingly) starting to get used to it. She shifted to lean against the vehicle instead as Laurie reached in and passed her crutches out to her.

“I was thinking of planting some raspberry bushes,” said Laurie, slowing her pace to match her twin’s as they approached the house.

“Won’t we be in Peru by the time they’re ready to-” Veronica stopped in her tracks.

“What’s wrong?” Laurie asked worriedly, “spasm?”

Veronica shook her head, and stared straight ahead. Laurie and Uncle Monty both looked to where she was staring at.

“Ah! Welcome!” Monty exclaimed, jogging over to the figure in the doorway, “you must be my new assistant, Stephano. It’s a pleasure to meet you!” The adults shook hands and disappeared inside.

Laurie spoke, “If you’re nervous about making friends with the new assistant, Klyde told me he has a whole page in his notebook dedicated to conversation starters, so you could try looking at that.” Then, with a laugh, she added, “Though, don’t tell him I was the one to tell you about it!”

“Laurie…” Veronica peered at her twin, “…that man is Count Olaf.”

She watched as the smile on Laurie’s face died, and she let out a shaky, “…oh.”

Thus far, their time at Monty's had been pleasant, but it seemed their luck was not as plentiful as Laurie had assumed. 

Chapter Text

‘Stephano’ spent the entire day sticking to Uncle Monty’s side like glue so that the children never got the opportunity to speak with him alone and inform him of the true identity of his new assistant. Monty was too distracted thinking about their upcoming journey to Peru to realise anything was amiss.

When they packed supplies into suitcases, Monty was too excited thinking about all the herpetological equipment to notice Stephano carried out this task one-handed, keeping the other hand in his coat pocket where the long knife was hidden. When they went into the kitchen to prepare dinner, Stephano smiled menacingly at the children as he sliced the mushrooms Laurie had foraged earlier that week, but Uncle Monty was too busy making sure the stroganoff sauce didn’t boil to even notice that Stephano was using his own threatening knife for chopping.

Over dinner, Stephano praised Uncle Monty’s work and informed him he had gifted him a tree and placed it in the downstairs hall in his honour, and Uncle Monty was so flattered he didn’t even think to guess that Stephano was holding a knife under the table, rubbing the cold blade gently against Lilac’s knee for the entire meal.

And when Uncle Monty announced that he would spend the evening showing his new assistant around the Reptile Room, he was too eager to realise that the Baudelaires simply rushed to bed without a word. Laurie didn’t even stop to admire the new tree, which was standing tall outside Violet and Veronica’s room, one of its branches brushing against Veronica’s hair as she limped inside after Violet.

Upstairs in her bedroom, Laurie lay staring at the space where Veronica’s bed had been supposed to go, and at a spot on the wall which had had its paint ripped off when Laurie had taken down the Thomas Eddison poster she’d put up for her twin. The poster was in Veronica’s room downstairs now, same with the purple string lights. Laurie’s room felt awfully empty without them.

The gardener gathered her quilt and pillows in her arms, wandered down the hall and knocked quickly on Lilac’s door. The mechanic, already in her pyjamas, opened it.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Laurie asked. Lilac nodded, opening the door wider so her sister could enter. Once she did so, Laurie saw that Klyde was there too, and he’d also brought blankets which he spread out on the floor. Laurie added hers to the pile, whispering, “this is a cosy nest.” Her comment was true, as the blankets were warm and comfortable, and the room was lit by the soft yellow glow of two bedside lamps on either side of Lilac’s four poster bed.

“Although it could use a splash of colour, I mean, I know you’re goth, Li, but you could at least hang up a pride flag or something,” Laurie commented, trying to lighten the mood. Lilac sat on the edge of the bed and rolled her eyes, but didn’t say anything. They were all quiet for a while, then Klyde addressed the elephant in the room, “What can we do about Stephano? He won’t even give us so much as a second alone with Monty to warn him of his true identity.”

“Maybe we could distract Count Olaf somehow,” suggested Lilac.

“How?” Laurie inquired.

“I- I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something. There’s always something.” Lilac answered, running her fingers over the string of her necklace.

“I think we should run away,” said Klyde, “If we leave right now, we could probably get to town in time to catch a train far away from here.”

“Plus,” said Laurie, “on the drive back from Veronica’s appointment, I spotted a sign for a Farmer’s market not far from here. We could buy some supplies there. Like seeds which I could plant so we can grow our own food wherever we end up.”

“And where exactly would we end up? Just where could we go that would be safe for twelve children to live on their own?” The way Lilac asked those questions made it clear she wasn’t really looking for an answer because she didn’t believe that there was one. She continued to speak, “Besides, if Count Olaf can find us here then he can find us anywhere we go. Plus, who knows where his assistants are? Maybe they’ve surrounded the house right now, keeping watch in case we’re on to him.”

Klyde shivered. Laurie put an arm around him then said, “Maybe we’re getting worried over nothing. Maybe the real reason why Olaf disguised himself as Monty’s assistant is cause he feels guilty about the way he treated us when we lived with him, so he’s trying to make it up to us by helping us on our journey to Peru.”

If Veronica were part of that conversation, at that point she would have said something along the lines of ‘don’t get your hopes up’. But Veronica was not in that conversation, so nobody said anything in response to this. Lilac and Klyde simply shared a sceptical look then they all decided to try and get some sleep, and try again in the morning to tell Monty about Stephano.

Meanwhile, in Nick, Klaus, and Solitude’s room, the three had similarly came up with the idea of running away. However, unlike their other siblings, they saw no flaws with this plan (apart from that it would mean leaving Uncle Monty), so they were currently preparing to leave. Nick and Solitude gathered their belongings from around the room and chucked them onto Klaus’s bed for him to organise into a suitcase.

“Oh my god, Nick, can you please hand me some clothes or torches or something other than Jane Austen novels,” complained Klaus.

“Alright then, here’s some Emily Dickinson,” grinned Nick, setting another stack of books down.

 “You know that’s not what I meant,” Klaus sighed, “we’re not gonna have room for everything. We need to focus on the essentials first and- Soli- what possible use would we have for a tin of snake food? Put that back.”

“Inky!” Solitude insisted, meaning ‘Obviously it’s to feed the snakes that are coming with us.’

“We’re not packing any reptiles!” Klaus cried.

Suddenly, the door opened. The children froze. Then relaxed as they saw it was only Uncle Monty.

“Children, I heard an awful lot of noise coming from in here. Is everything alright?”

“Uncle Monty, you have to listen to us! Stephano is really-”

“Is really getting us excited about going to Peru!” Nick cut Klaus off, and with a glance behind Monty, the researcher saw why. Count Olaf stood behind Monty, and was giving the children a menacing look whilst patting his coat pocket which -if the Baudelaires squinted- they could make out the outline of the knife stored in there.

“Ah,” said Uncle Monty, “How wonderful!” He peered behind the children and into their room, spotting the open suitcase on the bed and the items strewn haphazardly around it, “how about we save packing for Peru until tomorrow, hmm? It’s very important you get a good night’s sleep given how busy the next few days shall be!”

The twins nodded, and gave their uncle weak smiles. Stephano waggled his finger at them, “Remember, children, I’m right down the hall. And I am a very light sleeper,” he plastered a phony smile on his face, “so you better do as your Uncle says and go straight to bed and not get up again until the morning.”

“Y-Yes,” Klaus stuttered, backing away. Nick nodded at Monty then shut the door, and the three kids shared a disappointed sigh.

***

Veronica was waiting impatiently outside her bedroom door, leaning her weight on a wall and trying to avoid getting a face full of leaves from the tree nearby. Finally, she saw a shape descending the stairs and approaching her. Although it was dark, Veronica’s eyes had adjusted enough that she could tell it was her sister.

“Any luck?” She asked.

“No,” Violet sighed, “On my way to Monty’s room I passed Count Olaf’s… his door was wide open and he was sitting in a chair facing me, swinging that awful knife in his hands like a pendulum… I knew what he’d do if he saw me go to Monty, so I just went back downstairs again.”

Veronica nodded in understanding, then whispered, “This is so frustrating. If only Uncle Monty knew what we know. And Stephano knew that he knew what we know. But Uncle Monty doesn’t know what we know, and Stephano knows that he doesn’t know what we know.” She shifted slightly so the wall supported more of her weight, as her bad leg protested more the longer she stood, “If only we could get the message across to him somehow.”

At that, Violet got a sharp look in her eye, and tied back her hair. She was quiet for several moments, deep in thought, then whispered urgently, “We don’t have to speak to Monty to tell him about Stephano! We could just write him a note!”

Veronica grinned, “that’s really simple and also really genius.”

“We can’t just write it on paper though,” Violet said, “Stephano would realise we were up to something if he saw us pass Monty a note that way. So we’ll have to be sneakier than that.”

“Hmm,” hmmed Veronica, “what if we switched the lights on and off to deliver the info in morse code?”

“That would be too obvious,” Violet said, then her eyes lit up once more, “but if we wrote the message on a reptile when nobody was looking and then handed it to Monty, that would be subtle enough.”

“Yes!” Veronica whisper-cheered, “we could use the milk snake and write on the white bits of it.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Violet approved, “we’ll write it in the morning so the ink doesn’t get smudged overnight.”

Violet placed her hand on the door knob, but Veronica grabbed her crutches and turned in the other direction.

“Where are you going? We’ve already got markers in here.” Violet said.

“That’s not what I’m looking for,” responded Veronica, “I’m just grabbing a hot water bottle.” Heat helped with pain.

“Oh,” Violet said. Internally, Veronica willed her to leave it at that, but she did not. “I’ll get it, you lay down.” Violet said. It was infuriating, how everyone kept offering to help her with Every Little Thing since her injury. Veronica was thirteen years old; she was more than capable of doing things by herself. So what if it hurt?

“It’s fine,” Veronica said testily, “I’ve got it.”

“I wasn’t-” Violet stopped mid-sentence, because the electrician had already left and she didn’t want to risk waking anyone by whispering louder. She let out an annoyed sigh then returned to her bedroom and buried herself under the covers. When Veronica returned, Violet pretended to be asleep, and listened as the electrician’s crutches thudded softly against the bedside table she rested them against, and the swoosh of the sheets as she awkwardly climbed into bed.

Hours passed with only the sounds of crickets outside and breathing inside. The room was stuffy and warm. Everything looked sort of blue and fuzzy in the darkness.

“…Violet,” a voice, croaky with sleep, whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Nothing. Just wondering if you’re awake too.”

“Mhm.”

A couple of minutes passed, then Veronica whispered again, “Why d’you call him Monty?”

Violet stiffened, then answered with feigned nonchalance, “because Monty is his name.”

“Everyone but you calls him Uncle Monty.”

“Go to sleep, Ronnie,” Violet swallowed thickly.

“Wish I could, but it’s not happening. Seems to be that way for you too.”

Violet ignored her again. More time passed, maybe an hour or so, and Violet could tell her sibling was asleep from how her breathing had evened out and she wasn’t tossing or turning or readjusting the pillow under her knee anymore. Anytime Violet closed her eyes to try and do the same, all she could see was the front door of the Baudelaire mansion swinging shut behind her as she yelled a hasty goodbye to her parents, unaware that it would be her last. God, why couldn’t she have hugged her mother ‘bye’ as Laurie had? Why couldn’t she have had a proper discussion with her father before breakfast, like Klaus did? Why couldn’t they have asked her how she’d slept, like they’d asked Lil’ Linda who had been too young to comprehend the question? Why didn’t they go with them to Briny Beach that day?

Violet couldn’t stay stuck inside her head anymore. It was getting claustrophobic; all the memories of times she’d skip out on family game nights to tinker over machines in her room, or when she’d forgone wishing her parents goodnight, stacked on top of each other, like walls blocking out light.

Barely above a whisper, Violet admitted (with the hope that voicing at least some of her concerns would dismantle the gears operating the part of her mind responsible for the more useless, and harmful, emotions), “I don’t want to jinx anything. I- I thought we were safe with mother and father, that we were gonna live safely together forever, but then the fire happened. And then we went to live with the Poe family and they were so horrible I told myself the next place would definitely be better, that there was no way it couldn’t be and- well… then Olaf happened. But even before that, when we met Justice Strauss for the first time, I was so sure we’d found a safe place. It’s like anytime I let my guard down safety gets ripped away. I still miss our parents so much it hurts… but I think it’ll always hurt, no matter where we go. And we’re happy with Monty. But calling him uncle? Admitting that closeness aloud? It’s too much like tempting fate. Especially now Count Olaf is back. And- and even if Olaf wasn’t here, Monty might think we’re too much to handle, and leave like Gustav did.”

From beside her, came a soft, “oh.”

Violet stiffened. She wondered how much Veronica had heard; she hadn’t realised she’d been awake. Veronica didn’t say anything else. Violet didn’t think she wanted her to. The electrician simply stretched out her hand in the darkness, and Violet grabbed hold of it. They stayed that way until morning.

Chapter Text

When Violet and Veronica returned to their room after breakfast, they found that it had been turned upside down. All of their clothes had been yanked out of their drawers and were strewn across the floor. The window had been left open too, and leaves had blown in. Worst of all, however, was how the tub of markers they used for sketching on the paper on their walls had vanished.

“He’s on to us,” Veronica said darkly.

“I’m confused,” said Violet, flopping onto her bed.

“Well, the markers are missing so-”

“Not about that.” Violet frowned, “I’m confused about how Count Olaf found out about our plan in the first place. I know he didn’t follow me downstairs.”

“I have no idea either,” Veronica sighed, “I just know that even if we found a marker to use, we still couldn’t carry out our plan, cause Olaf would get suspicious the moment we handed Uncle Monty a reptile.”

“Ugh,” Violet groaned, “I’m going to find Li and see what she’s come up with. She drank two cups of coffee this morning, so she was probably up all of last night brainstorming. Are you coming?”

Veronica shook her head, “I’ll try tidy this up a bit first. We’re supposed to pack for Peru today since we’re leaving tomorrow, so I’ll need to fold all these clothes anyway.”

“Okay,” Violet shrugged. As she opened the door to leave, Susie crawled in at the speed of light and began gnawing on a chair leg. The moment the door closed and Violet left, Veronica collapsed onto one of the beds and stretched her bad leg out straight, reaching passed the gaps in the brace to rub at the limb furiously. All she’d done was walk to the kitchen and back, but her leg still had the audacity to scream at her, pounding in tandem with her heartbeat.

She reached down to grab a sweater off the floor, but stilled halfway, gasping with pain.

“Alright,” she muttered to herself, “I’ll tidy that up later… for now I’ll just… wait.” As she waited for the pain to subside, she noticed only half of her favourite poster was on the wall. She swivelled her head around, looking for the half that had been torn off; it peeked out from between Susie’s sharp teeth from where she was on the floor.

“Susie,” Veronica said sternly, “you’re not supposed to eat that.” She reached her arm down as far as she could without moving any of the rest of her body, and Susie spat into her own hand then reached up to pass the remnants of the soggy poster to Veronica.

“Ew,” babbled Susie. This translated to, ‘I didn’t like it anyway. It was too soft and kept getting softer the longer it stayed in my mouth.’

Veronica stared forlornly at the image of Thomas Eddison’s head, and the quote which used to read ‘We often miss opportunity because it is dressed in overalls and looks like hard work-Thomas Edison’, but now just said ‘dressed in overalls and looks like hard work-          Ed’ from the jagged way Susie had bit it.

“Ed,” Veronica read, feeling her heart twist, “Dad used to call me that.”

Susie peered up at her with big eyes and asked, “Nam me?”

“Yeah,” Veronica laughed sadly, “he had a nickname for you too. Said you were his little starfish cause of how you liked to spread out your arms and legs when you slept in your crib.”

“Fish!” Susie clapped her hands delightedly.

Veronica held the poster against her chest, realising that, by coincidence, she was wearing overalls like the quote described, “sometimes I wish it was more than Dad who called me that. I don’t feel very much like a ‘Veronica’, y’know?”

“Kobudai,” Susie nodded sagely.

“I guess some people might think of ‘Ed’ as a boy’s name,” the electrician mused, “but I’d mind that the same amount I mind people thinking of ‘Veronica’ as a girl’s name. Sometimes, I wonder how Lilac knew she was a girl when she was mostly raised otherwise, and why she takes such joy in being one. What’s so appealing about gender anyway? If I got to create myself, then I’d be neither a girl or a boy.”

“Edwin-a,” Susie pointed out, meaning, “‘Ed’ doesn’t sound like it is necessarily gendered, as it could be short for a great many names which are masculine, feminine, and androgynous.”

“That’s a good point…” The older Baudelaire whispered.

Susie pointed at them and said, “Ed?”

“Ed.” The electrician confirmed. “Though let’s keep this between you and I for now.”

“Why?” Susie questioned, using one of the short words which was perfected in her vocabulary.

Ed swallowed, manoeuvring into their wheelchair, “Well, with Stephano around we’ve got enough on our plates…”

With that, Ed went to the door, opening it for Susie to crawl through first, then the both of them disappeared down the hallway, Ed going to the kitchen, and Susie to the Reptile Room.

***

Tiny people are often overlooked. Solitude, Sunny, Susie, and Lil’ Linda decided to take advantage of that fact. Even though ‘Stephano’ was by one of the tanks in the Reptile Room, they had managed to escape his watchful gaze and had gathered under one of the tables for a secret meeting, placing different creatures on all sides to protect them (Klaus’s emotional support crocodile on one side, Susie’s pet fish on another, ‘Babbit’ -a frog Solitude was particularly fond of- guarded the back, and the Incredibly Deadly Viper slithered to-and-fro at the front).

“Olaf here, that bad,” Solitude commenced the meeting.

“Bastard!” Sunny hissed, meaning, ‘We need him out!’

“Doog!” Susie shrieked, in a generic cry of frustration, and pounded her little fist on the floor.

“No help,” Solitude said to her, meaning, ‘Susie, as much as I understand your anger, you’re not being incredibly helpful right now.”

“Ib,” Susie apologised.

Lil’ Linda rolled into the middle of the group to get their attention, then gnashed her gums together in a fierce manner.

“Ooo!” Her siblings smiled in unison, liking their youngest sister’s idea very much. They each saluted in turn, then, on the count of three, rushed out from underneath the table and swarmed around Stephano, sinking their teeth (or gums in Linda’s case) into the hems of his trousers and refusing to let go.

This turned out to be more helpful than anticipated, because at that moment, Monty called out “Can somebody please help me carry this canoe inside?”

The infants had managed to buy their siblings some precious alone time with him.

They held Count Olaf back as long as they could, but eventually he managed to kick them off. Susie started to cry as the man escaped from their grasp and ran out of the room. Lil’ Linda removed her orange bonnet and patted it onto Susie’s head to try make her feel better. The youngest Baudelaire watched confusedly as her sisters all startled in unison, Sunny’s hands flying up to cover her ears. Lil’ Linda crawled over to Solitude, and tugged on the girl’s sleeve. Solitude held up one finger in a ‘wait one moment’ signal, then motioned that there were people talking.

A minute later, the voices must have stopped, because her sisters paid attention to her again, and through a series of elaborate hand gestures and pointing at different objects, they managed to communicate that Count Olaf had went into Solitude’s room and pushed Nick and Klaus’s heavy brass reading lamp out the window so it hit Monty’s head from where he was outside trying to move the canoe with Lilac and Klyde.

The infants, of course, hadn’t managed to learn all the details of the situation from where they were sitting in the Reptile Room.

For example, they had missed out on the conversation which occurred between Uncle Monty, Lilac, and Klyde as they lifted the canoe…

***

Lilac looked at her uncle and realised this might be their only opportunity to talk to him alone, without Stephano around. “Uncle Monty,” she whispered urgently, “we need to talk to you about something important, it’s to do with Stephano.”

Uncle Monty’s eyes widened, and he looked around him as if there were spies under the canoe with them before leaning in to whisper to the children, “I’d like to talk to you too,” he said. “Preferably all twelve of you children, but I understand that you wouldn’t all fit under here. I have my suspicions about Stephano, and I’d like to discuss them with you.”

Lilac and Klyde looked at each other in relief.

“You do?” Klyde said.

“Of course,” Uncle Monty confirmed. “Last night I began to get very suspicious about this new assistant of mine. There’s something a little spooky about him, and I- I don’t mean to be vainglorious, but I really am one of the most widely respected herpetologists in the world.”

Klyde blinked, surprised by how Monty was beginning the conversation. “Of course you are, but-”

“And because of this, I’m sad to say,” Uncle Monty continued, “many people are jealous of me.”

“Like how he’s jealous of the fortune we will inherit when I come of age?” Lilac said, trying to speed up the rate at which Monty would get to the point.

Uncle Monty narrowed his eyes and said, “Not quite. It is my reptiles which Stephano is jealous of. Last night, after you went to bed, he asked a few too many questions about my collection of venomous snakes… and I’ve figured out why. It’s because the man who has been calling himself Stephano is really a spy from the Herpetological Society, and he is here to try and claim my latest discoveries as his own!”

“He’s not a Herpetological Society spy!” Klyde burst impatiently, “He’s Count Olaf!”

“I know just what you mean!” Uncle Monty whispered excitedly, “That sort of behaviour is indeed as dastardly as that terrible man’s. Which is why,” he reached one hand into his pocket and took out one of the tickets to Peru, “I’m ripping up Stephano’s ticket. He shan’t go to Peru with us after all!” As he spoke, he tore the ticket into tiny shreds.

“Come now, bambini, we’ve wasted enough of the afternoon on talk,” Monty said, setting the canoe down and walking towards the front door, “We have to-ow!” That was when the heavy brass reading lamp came crashing down from upstairs, knocking Monty off his feet. It served as an alarm of sorts, alerting Lilac and Klyde that it was no longer safe to discuss secrets with their Uncle, as Count Olaf was clearly on the lookout.

As Lilac helped Uncle Monty up, Klyde volunteered to return the lamp back to where it belonged.

“I’ll come with you,” said Lilac, as Monty, now on his feet again, wiped bits of gravel off his trousers.

“And I,” said Uncle Monty, “shall check on the infants in the reptile room. I’d like to see what Susie has been feeding that pet fish of hers, it has been growing at a shockingly fast rate.” With that, they parted ways.

Lilac and Klyde walked along the upstairs corridor, talking to one another.

“I cannot believe it,” Klyde said furiously, “I told Uncle Monty who Stephano was- and- and it was as though he didn’t even hear me!”

“Keep your voice down,” Lilac worried, “we don’t know who’s listening. Plus, if you think it through, maybe it’s okay that Uncle Monty thinks Stephano is a herpetological spy instead of Count Olaf, cause it still means he’s not gonna let Stephano come with us.”

They rounded a corner.

Klyde straightened his green tie, “What if he harms us in the meantime? You know as well as I do that Stephano was at fault for that lamp falling, and it could have easily hit us.”

“How clever of you to figure that out,” said a voice, and Count Olaf stepped out of a shadowy alcove in the hallway, “A little too clever for my taste, but you won’t be around for long, so I’m not troubled by it.”

Lilac put a protective arm in front of her little brother, who spoke up angrily, “You are not very clever yourself,” the archivist said, “if anything happens to my siblings and I, you’ll never get your hands on the Baudelaire fortune.”

The Count stepped forward, casting a dark shadow over them, “Dear me, dear me,” he sighed theatrically, strands of saliva glittering as he stretched his mouth open, “If I wanted to harm you orphans, this house would have already been flooded with your blood.”

The children paled, taking a step back.

“No,” the Count continued, “I’m not going to harm a hair on any Baudelaire head- not here in this house. You needn’t be afraid of me, little ones, until we find ourselves in a location where crimes are more difficult to trace.”

“Peru.” Lilac said flatly. Stephano’s greasy teeth gleamed in the light from the window as his mouth stretched upwards, forming a wide, crooked, grin. “Correct,” he replied.

“Except,” said Klyde triumphantly, “You are not coming with us, because Uncle Monty became suspicious of you and tore up your ticket!”

“Klyde…” Lilac muttered, despaired by the information the archivist let slip.

Stephano’s smirk turned into a scowl, and the shine in his eyes became sharper, and more fearsome. “I wouldn’t rely on that,” he hissed, in a terrible, terrible voice. “Even the best plans can change if there’s an accident.” He pointed one bony finger at the brass reading lamp, then he leaned in closer, forcing both of their heads towards him so he could whisper directly into their ears, “And accidents happen all the time.”