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Jungwon sighed, as he slumped over the couch. His head was throbbing - he had way too much to drink.
He felt confused, sad, and kind of excited. He felt everything at once. He suddenly felt the need to confront himself on a matter that had been bothering him for a month now.
“Do i like him? Do i really like him?” he mumbled, as he slowly got up, and dragged himself to the restroom.
“But he’s my best friend..” he countered, as he entered the shower.
He tried to recall, every single interaction he had with Sunghoon the past few years.
Sunghoon and him, were joined by the hip, ever since they first met, in middle school.
Jungwon never thought of him as anyone other than his older brother. But he wasnt so sure now.
He felt overwhelmed - like he was about to cry.
“Oh fuck what am i doing…” he groaned, shaking his head, as he sat on his bed.
“How can i possibly like him? What could even trigger this?” he mumbled, his head in his hands.
“This is so wrong… he’s even got a girlfriend..” he sighed, plopping on the bed.
Sometimes, it felt like Sunghoon liked him too. But a majority of times, it didnt.
Maybe jungwon was just reading into it too much. Maybe he was just really drunk, and didnt have anything better to think of at the moment.
But as he closed his eyes, he felt this weird feeling creep in on him. He just couldnt figure out what it really was.
He thought about Sunghoon and his girlfriend. He remembered how he had seen her, going out with other men behind his back. He remembered how broken Sunghoon was when he found out. And yet, after all that, Sunghoon still stuck around with her.
“Who else will love and understand me?” Sunghoon joked, although his eyes were still puffy and red from how much he cried during that dark period.
At this, current moment, jungwon wishes he screamed “Me!” as loud as he could.
He could love Sunghoon better. He’d never cheat on him. He’d never make him unhappy. He’d be there for him.
Yet at the same time, he felt glad that he kept quiet - it could’ve added an unnecessary strain in their friendship.
But what if he said yes? What if it didnt add a strain - but rather bring them closer?
Jungwon felt conflicted.
“Nah, i’m just overthinking. I dont like him that way, and he certainly doesnt like me that way too.” he said, rolling to his back, opening his eyes.
“He certainly doesn’t like me that way too.” he repeated, this time his voice more hollow, more distant, as if he got even more upset at that.
A tear drop rolled down his cheek.
“Fuckfuckfuck!!” he screamed into his pillow.
“I dont like him, i dont like guys, i dont like anybody.” he said, as he sobbed.
“I just need to sleep.”
—--
After that night, jungwon swore not to even have a drop of alcohol.
He didnt want to feel that way ever again.
He’d rather keep it packed, and untouched, than to be so vulnerable, once more.