Chapter Text
It would've been a typical afternoon at the Santa Barbara police station, if of course that wasn't for the fact it was an unusually hot summer day, heat pooling in through the windows at the station before someone had the bright idea to close the shades. However even then some windows didn’t have the opportunity to be closed. Unfortunately the air conditioning had gone out just the day prior and as luck would have it no repairman was available for today, likely because everyone else’s air system also went out because of course they did. If there was any more “luck” today Lassiter might just pull out his gun and figure out a solution himself, if of course that didn’t end in his immediate termination. Instead he sat at his seat feeling the slight breeze of passerbyers which admittedly was nice in contrast to the muggy heat that seemed to engulf the station. Before he could enjoy it too much however, a familiar mind numbingly annoying voice greeted him with a slightly less annoying voice soon following after.
“Dude, I told you to get your own smoothie!” Spencer, of course Spencer had to come here on one of the hottest days of the year. If Lassiter wasn't already flush with the heat he'd have turned red just from hearing the fake psychics voice.
“Get my own smoothie? Shawn, you used my card to buy that smoothie! And you didn’t even ask!” Guster, the far less annoying one out of the duo spoke.
“Well what if I said that this smoothie was psychically calling to me?”
“I’d say you’re using your powers for evil and you should still give me a sip.”
“Fiiiiine but only because the spirits agree with you.”
As soon as he gave the sweating smoothie to Gus Shawn b-lined to lassie, making a quick note of O’haras empty desk. Lassiter, to his credit, tried his best to ignore the fool though to not much success, blaming it on the heat but he was losing his edge.
“Hey lassie, what’s my favorite detective doing?”
“Right now? I’m trying to ignore a pestering fly buzzing in my ear.”
“Oh ouch lass im hurt.” Shawn puts his right hand to his heart and grimaces his face, Gus beside him rolling his eyes at his antics all while still drinking on the smoothie almost definitely exceeding his sip limit. Before lassiter could say anything Gus spoke.
“What happened to Juliet? Her desk is empty.” Worry evident in his voice and face as his eyebrows knitted into each other.
“Gus, you might be the real psychic here because you stole the words right out of my mouth!”
“IF you two must know she broke her ankle yesterday.”
Lassiter had fully put down what he was originally working on now, crossing his arms squarely on his chest, exasperated.
“Cmon lassie give us those juicy juicy details! The How, What, and When.” Shawn at this point was leaning towards Lassiter with his hands on the desk separating the two. Hotness was starting to affect him, a light brush of pink scattered across his cheeks and if Lassiter looked any closer he could probably see sweat starting to pool on his forehead. He was grinning because of course he was.
“I think what Shawn is trying to ask is if she’s okay?”
“She’ll be fine, she just took today off to rest before coming back in for paperwork, god knows she’s not going to be back in action for awhile.”
Before Gus could continue the rather pleasant conversation Shawn interrupted.
“Dude you drank like half of my smoothie!”
“I’d be using the term ‘my’ very loosely here Shawn considering whose money you used to pay for this”
“Yeah well-“ this time Lassiter interrupted.
“Is there a reason you two are here? Or do you just enjoy seeing me pissed beyond belief.”
“Well actually yes to both things, Vick called us earlier and your eyebrows are just so expressive when you’re mad lassie.”
Lassie ignored the eyebrow comment “what could she possibly want you two for?”
“I don’t know, what does she usually want us for? It’s not like we’re the best psychic detectives you have, oooh wait, we are!” Shawn raised his hand for a well timed high five from Gus, who obliged. The colliding of their hands made a wet splat noise thanks to the sweat that built on eachothers palms. Lassiter was fully pissed now, who does this guy think he is? He’s just some fluke who solved a couple of cases, no biggie and now he’s walking around the station acting like he owns the place? Unbelievable! It had been two years of this back and forth between the men, the constant feeling of being undermined by a psychic, why did it have to be a psychic. Lassiter knew he wasn’t a real one he didn’t believe in that spirituality crap, on some level it had to of been Spencer’s dad who made him a damn good detective. Regardless of how he became to be such a good detective he was a pain in Lassiters ass, Spencer constantly taking over his cases and worst yet solving them faster and better than he himself ever could. How dare he honestly, be so extraordinary, how dare he. Lassiter would never admit to being jealous, much less of Shawn Spencer, but he most definitely was and he hoped Spencer couldn’t smell that on him, so he lied.
“You aren’t the best psychic detective you’re the only psychic detective and calling you out of all people a detective is a stretch you just get lucky.” Lassiter pointed an accusatory finger at him, his brows furrowed against his eyes, a single drop of sweat rolled down his face.
“Oh the spirits are talking to me they’re saying, they’re saying you’re a sore loser!” Shawn did his usual ‘psychic’ antics while saying this, putting his hands to his temples and scrunching his face so tight it was surprising he didn’t already have premature wrinkles on his face. Gus hit Shawns side with his elbow and Shawn let out a rather high pitched screech before turning to Gus and then looking at the smoothie that he still held, empty now. If Lassiter didn’t know any better he’d say Gus looked smug at his smoothie work.
“Dude what the hell!”
“Be professional, Shawn we’re at a police station no point in being butt hurt about a smoothie.”
“Oh yeah and when in the history of ever have we been professional here, I’ll tell you never! You just don’t want me to make a big deal out of MY smoothie being empty!”
By the grace of God, or more accurately Vick, the twos bickering stopped when she walked out of her office and practically barked.
“You two my office now.”
‘Maybe today is my lucky day’ Lassiter thought as Gus and Spencer walked towards her office before she once more spoke.
“No no not you two.” She looked at Lassiter and shawn. “You two.” She said as if it was obvious.
Shock and horror were etched in all of the men's faces. Today was evidently not Lassiters lucky day. He didn't know what was about to happen but he knew for damn sure he wasn’t going to be happy with it, he assumed Gus and Shawn felt the same too seeing as Shawn was already making a fuss about Gus not tagging along. Begrudgingly Lassiter got up from his seat, quickly wiping the sweat off his brow and made his way to the office, Spencer was still going on and on. Eventually he let up and the three went inside Vicks office, quickly closing the doors behind her along with the blinds, this was definitely important. Shawn stood next to Lassiter in front of Vicks desk, his posture as per usual was laid back, his hands resided in his pockets and his back only the slightest bit slouched transfixed on all sorts of things in the room despite being in it many times prior. Lassie on the other hand was the opposite; he stood at attention, arms crossed and eyes already fixated on the empty seat behind the desk. After Vick was finished with the blinds she went and sat on the aforementioned seat taking a moment to collect herself before speaking.
“Lassiter, Spencer.” She greeted “I want to say this before we get to the reason why you two are in here, I don’t want to hear any but, ands, or what ifs this decision is final and will proceed as such.”
Oh so she really had thought it out, whatever ‘it’ was anyways. One of Lassiters eyebrows rose and turned slightly to Spencer who thankfully looked just as lost as he was. What didn’t help was the heat. He just wanted to know what this was and then promptly leave to go back to his man-made air conditioning at his desk. Vick spoke again.
“You two will be working a case together-“
“You can't be serious!”
“What did I just say detective lassiter?”
“Ooh someone just got in trouble.”
“Will both of you be quiet? I wasn’t finished.” Anger laced her voice although quickly dissipated as soon as she gained control of the room as the two boys stopped bickering.
“As I was saying you two will be working on a case and you both will be undercover.” She paused gauging their reactions , both obviously looked shocked actually shocked was an understatement mortified is the better term. Eyebrows raised, eyes bulging out of their sockets, and mouths agape painted shawn and lassiters faces and they hadn’t even heard the worst part!
“As dance partners.” Vick finally said she too winced at her words.
“Are you crazy??” Lassiter spoke and Vick gave him a pointed gaze.
“Sorry I mean, this situation is crazy! You want me and Spencer to be partners, dance partners? That’s absolutely insane and I will have no part in it!”
“What do you think I wouldn’t be a good dancer? Because I’ll tell you these hips were made for moving”
“No- Jesus I don’t care what your hips do but I’ll be having no part of it!”
“I think you’re just scared that I can dance better than you.”
“I can dance just fine thank you but I won’t be doing it with you!”
Lassiters was screaming now the fever in his face made his anger worse, he spat out his words both figuratively and literally at Spencer. On a better day he would’ve been able to brush Spencer off and maybe grovel a bit to convince Vick to set him free but today wasn't that day.
“Jesus man say it don't spray it!” Shawn raised his hand to cover his face as the attack of wetness threatened to hit him.
“Oh for the love of-“ Vick slammed her hands on the table. Both men stopping, the look on each of their faces could be described as two children who just accidentally broke their mothers favorite pearls, if of course the mom in this situation was Vick and the pearls was her patience. Apparently the heat had gotten to her too because she talked to the two as if they were those children.
“You two sit now.” And they did. “This is exactly why I’m putting you two together, do you have any idea how hard it is to hear you two bicker constantly? You’d think after all this time you’d let up just a little but you haven’t. You’re grown adults and here you are acting like-” She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and collecting herself once more “this is why I’m making the executive decisions to put you together on a case, you two need some time alone and figure out whatever is wrong between you two” quiet filled the room for a minute before Shawn was brave enough to speak back up.
“But why on a case I mean out of all things?”
“Because I know for a fact neither of you would screw up a case just because of your personal differences, and I know you’re both capable.”
“So you’re making us work on a case together to bond? Cmon Vick.”
“It’s not just to bond, all things considered you and Lassiter are the only two I feel comfortable enough to put out there on the dance floor.” She was trying to lighten the mood. “And I need someone diverse in the spiritual realm.”
Lassiter rolled his eyes so hard Shawn was surprised they didn’t get stuck, he raised his hands to his face and pinched the bridge of his nose, hard. Before dropping his hands and putting a smile to his face, a tight, teeth clenched smile.
“This just keeps getting better and better! Are we going to catch fairies at the crime scene too? No wait leprechauns, oh somebody pinch me!”
“Lassie I’m offended you think so little of me, I would never catch fairies or leprechauns that’s inhumane!”
The men looked at eachother. Shawn, his cheeks now fully red, spread to his nose and traveled to the tip of his ears. Sweat was beginning to form at the collar of his neck turning the once light green shirt into more of a mossy color due to the wetness, it was a small spot but noticeable. moisture was growing on his brow now and a stray bullet trickled down his brow and caressed his cheek, Lassiter followed it. He himself wasn’t doing much better and this whole situation wasn’t helping, he looked like a full blown tomato now thanks to the warmth and anger. He could confidently say there was going to be a sweat stain on his back the moment he got up from his chair and slightly cursed himself that he didn’t wear his suit jacket. Lassiter was furrowing his brows at Spencer hoping, praying, this would weld Spencer to be less combative. Instead Shawn flicked Lassiter's nose. A high pitched yelp escaped his lips and both of his hands came up to cover his ‘wound’ Shawn was pleased with himself and his face showed it all. before this could escalate anymore Vick continued with the subject at hand.
“I need a spiritual specialist on this because there's been reports of a phantom terrorizing the dance competitors, one of the competitors had to be hospitalized after a mirror mysteriously shattered while she was practicing.”
“Oh for Christ sake.”
Vick continued “the building that the competition is being held at was shut down for ten years due to similar ‘phantom’ incidences, one in which ended in two dancers' death. I need you two to go in there and figure out what’s happening before more injuries and worst case deaths happen.”
“Wait wait wait, you want us to go into a dance competition as in going into a competition to dance? Competitively?”
“We’ve already gotten your costumes, you’ll have to grab them on your way out.”
“I can’t dance competitively with Lassie Vick, he's as stiff as a board he’s going to mess up my mojo!”
“You aren’t actually dancing competitively, you're there to get information and catch the bad guy, the dancing is an afterthought.”
“Wait wait wait, how did you even get my measurements?”
“You can thank Shawn for that.”
Lassiter snapped his head towards Shawn. “In my defense I didn’t know what it was for!”
Lassiter let it be, for now, when he had the energy he’ll bring it back up making a mental note of it. “Is there really no way of getting out of this?”
“I’m afraid not detective, you should be happy though maybe this’ll get you to be more comfortable in undercover cases, anyhow you two need to go home and pack there’s a long trip ahead. Oh and you’ll be taking a cab, prepaid of course.”
“plenty of time to figure out our personas huh lassie? Or should I say partner.”
“Be ready by the time the cab comes or so help me God Spencer.” Before Shawn could give him another quip Lassiter peeled himself from the chair and began to walk outside the office, as confidently as he could with a sweat stain on his back. He practically threw the door open, the blinds moved away from the door before slamming back. Gus was just outside, the smoothie now gone, but clearly he had gotten the gist of the case. There was no way he wasn’t going to be a part of this case in some way, he just hopes Spencer doesn’t stash him away in a suitcase. He walked back to his desk gathering his things for whatever hell this case is going to be. When he finally gathered all his things he walked up to Shawn one last time.
“Be ready by 9:00 pm not a minute later, Spencer.” Venom spewing from his mouth.
“Whatever you say, sweat stain!” Gus shoved his side again.
“He’ll be ready, don't worry.”
Lassiter trusted Guster more than Spencer and was honestly too tired to drag this out anymore so he just walked away, got in his car and began to pack. It was very important to Lassiter to bring all his essentials, so important that he already had a premade list of things in case something like this was to arise. The list read; toothbrush, toothpaste, cologne, shampoo and conditioner (never trust hotel soap), two weeks worth of clothes, two pairs of shoes (three just in case), gun, backup gun and badge. Along with an assortment of other things he deemed too important to leave behind. lists made Lassiter feel secure and if there was one thing he needed right now he needed to feel secure, for the love of god he was going to be stuck with Shawn until this thing was solved. After packing the next step was a shower he needed to literally and figuratively wash away this day, more so figuratively. He also needed to throw away that shirt there was absolutely no saving it. By the time he was all finished it was only 8:00 PM ‘maybe I should go over to make sure Spencer is ready’ lassie allowed himself to think, before quickly shaking away the thought. Spencer was a grown man he could handle himself and he had Gus there to make sure he stayed on track, this was the hope at least. Lassiter made his way to the kitchen opening up his cabinet and taking out a glass and whiskey, he pulled off the cap before quickly pouring it into his glass. He twirled the cup entranced as the liquid danced inside, ‘maybe I should take the bottle with me’ he pondered before quickly disregarding it, it was his good whiskey after all. He downed it and it burned beautifully, he was quickly reminded of the time he closed his first big case during that time he still had that awful mustache, wife too. Instead of going out to celebrate with his coworkers he drove home and took out his good whiskey and silently drank. He wished he would’ve gone with the others he wished he would’ve done many things, the burn dissipated and he was brought back. By the time he put his bottle back and cleaned his glass it was time to go. He hauled two suitcases outside and much to his surprise Spencer was there waiting for him. Less surprising was the book bag he held for his only luggage. A suitcase was next to him although it wasn’t littered in stickers so he assumed that was the case full of the costumes, the suitcase actually looked like the same brand of his own. Shawn greeted Lassiter rather pleasantly.
“Hey lassie, you ready?”
“I should be asking you that, only a book bag?”
“I do have a suitcase y’know.”
“Don’t kid yourself that’s the station's suitcase; it has our costumes in it.”
“Oh yeah? How can you be so sure?”
“It doesn’t have a huge pineapple sticker on it, which is by the way extremely tacky.”
“I would never put a huge pineapple sticker on my suitcase, I’d just buy a pineapple patterned suitcase!”
“Regardless, my point still stands!”
“Okay okay you win I relent, did you take a shower?”
“Wha- I’m not dignifying that with an answer.”
“Well if you did thank you I wouldn’t wanna be passengers with that friend on your back from earlier.”
“Oh please like you weren’t sweating too.”
“I’m a lot like Christian Bale actually, I can control my sweat glands.”
“First a psychic and now you can control your sweat when does it end.”
a yellow car was making its way to Lassiter and Shawn, perfect timing. After confirming identities the two began to load into the car, Lassiter being in charge of putting the suitcases away. Unfortunately only one fit into the trunk the other two would have to reside in the passenger seat up front. Lassiter finally slid in next to Shawn, exhausted just because the sun was going down didn’t mean the heat stopped. Thank god this car had air conditioning. the driver didn’t make conversation seeing as he was already paid for this trip he quietly pulled out and started to drive. It was quite nice in the beginning feeling the silence in the air while looking outside the window, not much to see but still nice, then Spencer spoke.
“So what should our fake names be?”
“You couldn’t be quiet for two minutes could you.”
“Not mathematically possible bud.”
“I don’t care what our fake names are.”
“Okay good because I already decided on a name. How do you feel about Test Tickle?”
“Do you take me for an idiot? You’re not naming yourself that.”
“Boo you hate fun and joy.”
“I hate alot of things.”
“Okay captain killjoy what’s your fake name then?”
“Bill bob.”
“Bill bob? Really? That’s what you’re going with?”
“What's wrong with bill bob?”
“Well first of all it’s possibly the most boring name ever and second of all it sounds like you’re trying to audition for the crazy uncle in a country comedy that should’ve stayed in the 20s.”
“I don’t want to hear this coming from the man who just tried to name himself ‘Test Tickle’!”
“Okay fine I’ll name myself Ben Dover!”
“Fine!”
“Wait really?”
“I don’t see what’s wrong with Ben Dover.”
Shawn tried desperately not to laugh; he can't mess up this opportunity of a lifetime. “Okay then it’s settled you’re Bill Bob and I’m Ben Dover! Let’s talk backstories now.”
“Spencer-“
“Ben.”
“Spencer. If you wouldn’t mind I’d like to get at least SOME rest before we have to deal with all of this.”
“Hear you loud and clear, want me to sing you a lullaby to weld you to sleep? Perhaps some cuddles and body heat?”
“If you even so much as think about crossing the middle seat I will shoot you.”
“Yeesh someone’s crampy you do need a nap.”
Lassiter grumbled, not having the energy to correct Spencer, before turning his head once more out the window he crossed his arms again, he really did need this nap. His eyes eventually closed, the slight vibrations of the car made his body melt and while the seats could’ve been comfier it would have to do. He knew he was going to have a knot in his neck by the time he woke up but right now that didn’t matter. Eventually the darkness fully engulfed him, losing all sensation in his limbs although he knew when he awoke his arms would still be on his chest, he trained himself to do this for years. Soon he was greeted with dreams, or rather nightmares.