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It played in her head over and over again.
It flashed behind her eyelids.
White.
Black.
Red.
A face frozen in a scream.
Blood.
Blood red.
All over again.
It was on repeat. It wouldn’t go away. Even when her eyes were open, it was still there. She couldn’t see it, but she could feel it.
She could feel it. The terror. And then… nothing.
She wanted to cut off her hands. Peel away her fingers one by one and then put her palm in the way of a— she forgot the word. Something painful.
Something to ensure she could never use her hands again.
Never fight again. Never ki-
The door screeched open.
“Cass? You in here?”
It was Steph.
Cass looked up from her hands. She was perched on the edge of her bed. Batgirl suit tied around her waist.
“Cass? Are you alright?” Steph asked, walking further into the room.
“I—”
She couldn’t speak.
Steph’s mouth was moving again but she couldn’t hear anything.
A sharp ringing filled her ears.
The white and the black and the red started flashing in her mind’s eye.
She could feel her breathing quicken in the way her chest moved up and down but she couldn’t really feel it. It was like she was watching her own body from the outside.
She could see Steph place her arm around her shoulder. She could see the way both their hands shook.
Steph was shaking because she was worried. Cass was shaking because she just killed a man.
“Cass? Cass? Can you hear me?”
Steph’s voice came back into focus and Cass’s soul was sucked back into her body.
“Yeah.” She blinked.
“Are you okay to talk?”
“Not sure.” She blinked again, looking down at her hands.
“Can I ask what happened?”
“No.” If you ask me what happened I’ll have to tell you the truth. And if I tell you the truth I’ll die.
“…Do you want me to go-?”
Cass gripped Steph’s hand. Steph winced. Cass let go. Her hands were burning.
Steph nodded slowly. “You want me to stay…?”
Cass watched her head nod but she couldn’t feel it. All she could feel was fire surrounding her and licking at her palms.
She could feel her flesh bubbling as each layer of skin began to blister and peel away. Her fingers were almost entirely red now. They were going to breach blood soon. She could feel it start to boil. Her bones were starting to crack. The marrow was seeping out.
“Cass!”
Cass blinked as Steph’s face came into focus in front of her.
Her eyes were searching Cass’s face. She wanted some kind of sign of… something.
Recognition, maybe.
“Cass please say something— I’m starting to really freak out.” Steph said, hands on Cass’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry.”
Steph laughed nervously. “You’re not exactly giving me something to, I don’t know, not worry about.”
Cass went to place her hand over Steph’s but she pulled back just before they touched. Her hands were dirty. She couldn’t sully Steph’s hands with the blood that soaked hers.
“…How about we, go to sleep, it’s late, and we can talk about whatever’s going on in the morning once you’ve calmed down?” Steph suggested.
Cass could feel Steph’s hands shaking. She keeps trying to tense them so they’d stop but it’s not working. Steph is frustrated. And really worried.
Cass nodded.
Steph sighed. Relief. “Okay, I’m going to go grab clothes to change into. You should do the same. Will you be alright when I’m gone?”
God, she was so fucking patient.
Cass nodded.
Steph stood up slowly and awkwardly backed out of Cass’s room.
As soon as she was out of sight, Cass felt the shaking in her hands subside.
She was still for a moment.
And then her shoulders started to shake.
Her chest started to heave.
Tears were flowing down her cheeks, making her gasp and hiccup. She tried to wipe them away but the effort was fruitless. There was just too much coming.
She didn’t even feel sad- not crying sad, at least. But it wouldn’t stop.
-
Cass woke up to a tear stained pillow and arms around her waist. She twisted around to see Steph beside her, sound asleep.
It was raining outside. She could hear it pattering on the roof.
Cass sat up reached to rub the sleep out of her eyes. Clock said it was 11:33am.
She felt Steph shift beside her, groaning as she stretched awake.
“Mm… Cass? Is that you up?”
“Good morning.”
Steph pulled Cass back down to lay next to her.
“Hey.” Steph whispered. “Are you okay? Seems you tired yourself out last night.”
Cass furrowed her brow. “I don’t… really remember last night.”
Now Steph looked confused. “You don’t?”
Cass shook her head.
“Ah. Okay. It was- kinda full on. Do you want me to tell you?”
Cass nodded. She internally groaned at the crick in her neck.
“Well, I don’t really know what happened, exactly. You were really freaking out. Like, shaking. And you kept staring at your hands-”
Cass suddenly felt a wet slickness in her hands. Blood was dripping down them. Right. She remembered.
“-when you fell asleep.”
“I killed someone.”
Steph immediately sat up, eyes wide. “Excuse me?”
“I killed someone. Last night.”
Steph nodded slowly. “Um, okay, alright. Could you… elaborate?”
“I was… distracted. Fighting. Metas. Had to put more force. Turned around to punch another… a civilian was caught in… crossfire. Punch knocked him straight to the ground. D-Died- he… died on impact.” Cass sniffled, looking down.
Steph grasped the hands that Cass couldn’t stop staring at.
“Hey, hey. You didn’t mean to. It was an accident.”
“My fault, though. Can’t deny that.”
Steph sighed. “But that isn’t the point. As unfortunate as it is, people die everyday in Gotham, getting caught up in things like that. The point is that you didn’t mean for it to happen. You didn’t want that man to die.”
Cass shook her head. “No. But it was… my fist. Any passerby would see- Batgirl killed him.”
“Look, I’m not going to pretend like this isn’t a bad thing. But I know that you shouldn’t be beating yourself up about it. I know that you’re going to anyway. Everyone does, including me. But- you can’t change what’s happened. You can only change how you act now.”
“You been… going to therapy. Can tell.”
Steph chuckled lightly. “Maybe you should go too.”
Cass hummed. “How am I going to tell Bruce? He might… disown me.”
“He wouldn’t do that.”
Cass scoffed. “He almost threw me out when he discovered my past.”
“But did he?”
“He wanted to.”
“But did he?”
“…No.”
Steph wrapped her arm around Cass’s shoulder. “How about we stay home today?”
Cass leaned into Steph’s body. “I love you, Steph… Feels like I don’t say that enough.”
Steph reached up to brush the hair out of Cass’s face. “Love is an action. You do it all the time.”
Cass smiled. “So do you.”
“That’s because I love you, too.” Steph said, letting her forehead drop onto Cass’s shoulder. “Now, how about we go back to sleep, cuddle, and sort this out later?”
“Okay.” She fell back onto the bed, Steph following suit. “Worry later.”