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It starts simply enough, as most things do.
They’re hurtling toward the end of their first year of college, and Qiao Ling and Xu Shanshan are discussing plans for the summer and what they have in store for the following year over lunch. Qiao Ling is complaining about Cheng Xiaoshi leaving the kitchen cupboards open, and how Lu Guang never scolds him for it because he’s a pushover, and how their landlord is the shittiest guy in the world but this building was the only one in the area with any three-bedroom apartments available, so they had no choice but to settle. And then Xu Shanshan says:
“Why don’t the two of us live together next year?”
Qiao Ling blinks. “What?”
“Seriously,” Xu Shanshan continues, gesturing vaguely. “My roommate is a total bitch, and it sounds to me like you need a break from the boys. It would be a win-win! Plus, they’ll be able to move into a better apartment too.” She considers this for a moment. “Which would actually make it a win-win-win!”
“I—” Qiao Ling frowns. She drops her gaze down to her half-eaten bowl of ramen. It sounds good on the surface—perfect, even. She only agreed to live with the boys because she had no one else to live with, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to be stuck in a dorm. Being roommates with Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang certainly hadn’t been her ideal university set up. Because look, she loves them both with all her heart, but she spent most of her childhood living with Cheng Xiaoshi. University is supposed to be the time when you break away from your youth—when you get to have new experiences, meet new people, and usher in all the changes that come with entering adulthood.
Plus, the boys’ pining is absolutely unbearable.
The only issue is…
Xu Shanshan raises an eyebrow, awaiting a response. Despite the chill inside the restaurant, her sweater remains draped over the back of her chair, and she’s dressed in a tank top with thin straps. Qiao Ling’s gaze catches on her collar bones, and she swallows thickly, averting her gaze.
Listen—it’s not her fault that her best friend is unfairly pretty. Nor is it her fault she’s attracted to girls in the first place. And it’s not like she has a full-blown crush on Xu Shanshan or anything. There are just—occasional moments when she finds herself wondering what it might be like to kiss her. Or trace the lines on her palms. Or run her fingers along her torso. Or—
Whatever.
It’s no different from any of the other girls Qiao Ling has been friends with in the past. And did she go on to date any of them? No. Case closed.
So, really, there’s nothing to worry about. Except maybe Cheng Xiaoshi being offended that she doesn’t want to live with him anymore. But he’ll get over himself once he realizes no amount of pleading puppy dog eyes will have Qiao Ling crawling back to him and the shithole they’ve called home for the past year. And that Qiao Ling moving out will mean he gets more time alone with Lu Guang.
Qiao Ling meets Xu Shanshan’s eyes once more and grins. “That sounds like a great idea, actually!”
“Yes!” Xu Shanshan cheers. “Ling-Ling, you’re a lifesaver. This is gonna be great!” She whips her phone from her pocket, her unfinished lunch seemingly forgotten about entirely. “I think the building I’m in now has some openings, but I’ll check and see if there’s anything nearby that looks better. Let’s see… Two bedrooms… Alright, here we go!”
Qiao Ling laughs to herself at the enthusiasm in Xu Shanshan’s expression practically making her glow. As Xu Shanshan scours the internet for apartment listings, Qiao Ling turns her attention to finishing her lunch before it gets cold. But she can’t stop herself from periodically glancing up to see Xu Shanshan’s smile.
—
So. Now they’re here. Moving into an apartment, together.
And Qiao Ling has a major problem.
Xu Shanshan sets another box on the ground, then straightens up and wipes the sweat from her brow. Qiao Ling tracks each movement, then looks away quickly before she can be caught staring. It’s, like, a hundred degrees out today, so of course Xu Shanshan is dressed in a crop top that’s about as modest as a bra and athletic shorts. Qiao Ling herself is wearing a tank top and shorts that aren’t much longer than Xu Shanshan’s. They’d both be suffering heat stroke trying to carry infinite boxes and bags inside in this weather if they dared to wear anything more.
But, holy shit, Qiao Ling might have severely underestimated just how attracted she is to Xu Shanshan. Of course she’s always known Xu Shanshan is hot—everyone with eyes knows that. Even Lu Guang, who has self-proclaimedly never been attracted to a woman before in his life, admitted he could see the appeal in Xu Shanshan. If it were just that, Qiao Ling would be able to deal with it. She’s had plenty of attractive friends before.
Xu Shanshan is—
different.
Because Xu Shansha is hot and funny and kind and Qiao Ling really just wants to sit around watching her lift heavy boxes all day because. Wow. Qiao Ling did not think of herself as a useless lesbian until today, but right now, she’s feeling it. Bad. She should’ve just resigned herself to another year living with the boys.
Instead, she’s alone with Xu Shanshan in the stifling summer heat, moving their things into their new apartment. Together. Just the two of them. Because Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi are currently moving their things into their new apartment one floor up. How convenient.
Qiao Ling is going to kill them. And her past self. And whatever god decided to make her a lesbian. And whatever god handcrafted Xu Shanshan with the face of an angel and the body of a supermodel. Just for good measure.
“Hey,” Xu Shanshan waves her hand in front of Qiao Ling’s face. “You good?”
“Yes!” she answers, too quickly. “Yeah, I’m— I just— spaced out…for a second.” She shakes her head, trying to clear away the gay pining that is going to get her exactly nowhere. “I’m fine.”
Xu Shanshan tilts her head, furrowing her eyebrows. “You sure? You look a little…red.”
“What?!” Qiao Ling demands, voice pitched an octave higher than usual. She clears her throat, trying to force her face not to flush any worse than it already is, but she doubts her willpower is strong enough to defy such a basic human instinct. “I mean— Really?”
“…Yeah.” Xu Shanshan narrows her eyes. “Maybe you should take a break. I’ll get you some water.”
“No, that’s—”
Xu Shanshan is gone before Qiao Ling can argue.
“—okay,” she finishes quietly.
She drops herself onto a box labelled CLOTHES and buries her face in her hands. She needs to put a lid on this little crush before it gets completely out of control. She and Xu Shanshan both signed the lease a month and a half ago—there’s no going back on their living arrangement now. They’ll have to spend the entire year together at least. Probably more than that, to be honest, because if Qiao Ling wants to move out once their lease is up, she’ll have to explain why, and that—
No. She can’t do that. She can’t ruin her friendship with Xu Shanshan by admitting she was dumb enough to develop a crush on her! Especially when she’s, like, 90% sure Xu Shanshan is straight.
She takes a deep breath in, holds it for three seconds, and then exhales. It’s just the heat getting to her, probably.
Xu Shanshan returns momentarily with a cold bottle of water, and Qiao Ling barely even notices the way their fingers brush when she passes it over. Xu Shanshan collapses onto the floor across from her, uncapping her own water bottle and downing half of it in one go.
Qiao Ling’s hand freezes with the cap of her bottle still only half-unscrewed. She watches Xu Shanshan’s throat bob as she drinks, throat glistening with sweat, cheeks tinted red from the heat. When she finishes drinking, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, and Qiao Ling has to forcibly tear her gaze away from her friend’s lips.
This is fine, she tells herself, trying valiantly to not feel like she’s surrounded by flames that are ready to devour her at any moment. She takes a long drink of water, and then presses the bottle against her face in an attempt to cool herself down. She keeps her eyes trained on her legs instead of Xu Shanshan, tapping her fingers idly against her knee. They’ll have to head back outside to finish bringing all of the boxes and bags in, and then Qiao Ling can get caught up in the motions of unpacking to distract herself from…everything. She’ll be fine.
Totally.
“You know,” Xu Shanshan says casually, and Qiao Ling instinctively glances up. Which is a bad idea, because Xu Shanshan is looking at her like she’s a painting on display in a museum—pupils dilated, lips turned upwards in a slight smile, as if she could ever see Qiao Ling in the same way Qiao Ling sees her. “That top looks really cute on you.”
“Um—” Qiao Ling squeaks, because whatever she was expecting Xu Shanshan to say, it definitely wasn’t that. She glances down at the shirt she’s wearing—some tank top she picked up while thrifting with Cheng Xiaoshi a few years back. It’s nothing special, but suddenly, it might just be one of Qiao Ling’s favorites. “Thanks?”
Xu Shanshan beams.
“Honestly, I’m lowkey jealous of how hot you look right now— ah,” Xu Shanshan shrugs sheepishly, “I mean—looks-wise. Not…heat-wise. I think we’re both equally hot because of the weather, and heat stroke is nothing to envy.”
Qiao Ling, in a moment of astounding lapse in her brain-to-mouth filter, says, “Why would you be jealous? You’re, like, way prettier than I am.”
Xu Shanshan laughs like it’s a joke.
It’s really, really, not.
Qiao Ling doesn’t mean it in a self-deprecating way, though. She knows she’s reasonably attractive, and she’s long since grown out of the crippling insecurity she wrapped herself in throughout her early teenage years. Because that’s all bullshit manufactured by the patriarchal society they live in, and Qiao Ling doesn’t even like men, so why would she waste her time fretting over molding herself to meet their beauty standards?
No, thanks. She’d rather focus on making her appearance once she likes.
Still, hearing compliments about how she looks from pretty girls—girls like Xu Shanshan—always has her heartbeat picking up its pace, hammering fervently, and causing her to stammer over her reply. Because ultimately, she’s still human, and Xu Shanshan calling her cute is going to be echoing through her mind for the next three years, probably.
Because Qiao Ling knows she looks nice. But Xu Shanshan looks ethereal, and this is seriously not helping douse her stupid little crush at all.
“I mean it,” she insists, because apparently she’s decided to dig herself even deeper into this hole that she is supposed to be climbing out of. “You’re beautiful.”
Xu Shanshan looks away, cheeks flushing. “Well. I’m all sweaty and gross right now.”
“So am I,” Qiao Ling points out.
Xu Shanshan hums in response. It sounds strained. Qiao Ling should probably stop talking before she makes her feelings too obvious and this win-win-win situation of them living together turns into the most awkward and tense year of her life.
She clears her throat, pushing herself to her feet. “Anyway. We should…we should finish bringing our stuff in.”
“Right!” Xu Shanshan jumps up as well. And then, for some reason, like she’s completely ignoring…whatever just happened between them, she links their arms together before dragging Qiao Ling back outside.
The skin-to-skin contact burns.
Qiao Ling relishes in every second of it.
—
Hours later, after they’ve successfully moved everything into the apartment and only actually unpacked the things that are necessary for one night, they huddle together on the floor of Xu Shanshan’s bedroom, watching a movie on her laptop. They ordered takeout for dinner, because neither of them were in the mood to cook or go out, and they could save the leftovers for tomorrow while they finish unpacking. And while they ate dinner together, whatever brief bout of awkwardness settled over them earlier seemed to have dissipated entirely.
Qiao Ling is starting to think living with Xu Shanshan might not actually bring her inevitable downfall.
She’s only just determined that she isn’t doomed to spend the next one to three years painfully pining for her roommate-slash-best friend when a weight falls against her shoulder.
Every cell in her body freezes.
They’re only halfway through the movie, and…Xu Shanshan is already falling asleep. Against Qiao Ling. Their bodies pressed closely together as the characters on screen dance beneath the moonlight and a romantic-sounding instrumental plays in the background. Xu Shanshan is warm, and her hair is soft where it tickles Qiao Ling’s neck, and—
She is so, totally, screwed.
But…
As Xu Shanshan snuggles closer in her sleep, Qiao Ling decides that will be a problem for her to worry about tomorrow. For tonight, she’ll indulge the pining pressing against her ribcage, just a bit. Just enough to satiate the longing lodged in her throat.
She wraps an arm around Xu Shanshan, leaning her head on top of hers. And she lets herself simply enjoy this quiet closeness.