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A chore. That’s all life had become for Jake in the past weeks. A big, mundane chore that he felt was useless. He struggled getting up in the morning, he struggled completing basic tasks– eating, taking medicine, hygiene…
His apartment was a mess, garbage piling up in every corner, giving his living space a particularly rank smell. Sometimes Jake couldn’t bring himself to do anything but lay in his bed– or sit at his desk, staring at the computer.
Sometimes he’d be talking to Sean… because Sean was gone. He had been– for years now. But he wasn’t fully gone– existing in the code. The code of games he’d made while he was still alive. It wasn’t intentional– it was the work of something bigger.
But now Sean is gone. Him, his fragments– all gone. Maybe Sean was finally at peace. Jake hoped that was the case.
That's what brought him here– the edge of a bridge in the dead of night, the air cold and damp. He’s in his favorite coat, but he’s still so, so cold. His teeth are chattering, and goosebumps litter his arms.
He looks down. The darkness swallows up the large body of water that would usually be visible. The only hint that it’s there was the moon reflecting off of it. It was beautiful. Jake takes everything in– the silence, the calmness of it all.
He takes a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air. It soothes him… prepares him for what he wants to do. He thinks back on his life– maybe once it was good, but now it was nothing but misery for him, and even everyone he’d gotten involved in this.
He takes a leap of faith– hoping the afterlife would welcome him with open arms… hoping he’d see everyone he’s lost. Hoping he’d see Sean. He lets his body hit the water, darkness enveloping him and his mind.
—
Jake wakes up to an alarm going off, disturbing his sleep. Another body shifts on the bed next to him, and he feels the covers getting pulled off of him. His mind feels… foggy. Like he’s not all here yet. He reaches out, and grabs his phone off of the nightstand, putting it on snooze.
He takes a look at the time. It’s about 7:30 AM. He looks at the date. He feels an unexplainable pit of dread in his stomach. He turns around, and sees Sean, curled up beneath the covers. He’d stolen just about all the covers in the past minute, and Jake has to pull a little closer.
He was going to draw out those ten minutes of snooze for as long as he could. He rests his face in between Sean’s shoulder blades, inhaling. Happy to be here, happy to be close to his friend. He’s perfectly fine. Perfectly content with existing right here with Sean.
Those ten minutes fly by quickly. Before he knows it, his phone is ringing once more. He lets out a groan, and turns over, dismissing his alarm. He wanted to stay here– he really did… but he had lectures today. He feels uneasy at the idea of leaving today, but he doesn’t have a choice. He had to be responsible.
“Mornin,” He whispers to Sean, who just grumbles back an unintelligible response, burying himself further beneath blankets. Jake pats him on the shoulder, smiling. Sean is unresponsive. He'd never been a morning person– and Jake didn't blame him. He wasn't either.
He drags himself out of bed, his mind warring with him, wanting to stay with Sean. But he wins in the end, his willpower bringing him to their closet.
Jake picks a simple outfit. A button down and some pants. Nothing special– he never dressed up unless it was for a special occasion. He grabs his bag, sitting against the footboard of the bed. He slings it over his shoulder, and walks over to the door.
He slips on his shoes, and heads out of the door. He gives one last look at his friend, still in bed.
“Seeya later,” he calls out, even if Sean might have been asleep already. It made Jake feel better. He shuts the door behind him, locking it with his key.
—
It was a long day, and as per usual, Jake felt tired. He'd wanted to go grab some food– but he's too tired. He wanted to go home, talk to Sean, get in some class work, and get some shut eye.
He walks down the hallway, relieved to finally be free from his classes. He makes it to his door, and his hand pauses on the doorknob.
He then digs his key out, unlocking the door this time, before trying to open it. He twists the key in the keyhole, hearing the door audibly unlock. He drops the key back in his pocket, and opens the door.
The air is cold, he notices this before he steps in. It's still, and cold.
Sean is sprawled out over the desk, his cheek pressed against the keyboard, his stare cold and dead. Jake is immediately hit with an overwhelming sense of deja-vu.
“Oh my god,” he mutters beneath his breath.
Sean's screen was flashing bright colors, but somehow Jake's first thought was suicide. Sean had never been mentally stable after all– especially recently.
Jake finally drops his bag on the floor, and steps closer. He can feel his heart rate quicken, still trying to process just what he was looking at.
His friend was dead. His best friend, the boy he grew up with, shared his favorite memories with– he was gone now. Gone forever, all by his own hand.
In the back of his mind, it was screaming at him. Telling him to do something– anything. He feels like he'd been here before. He's seen this. It's all so overwhelming as it all comes back to him.
He remembered.
—
Jake startles awake to his alarm clock, the nightmare shaking him to his core. He looks at Sean, laying in bed beside him as always, and he immediately shakes him away.
“Sean? Are you alright?” Jake whispers to him. Sean shifts under the blankets, groaning as Jake disturbs him, already disturbed by the alarm clock.
“Yeah, what?” Sean mumbles.
Hearing Sean's voice was like a weight off of his shoulders. That nightmare was so… real.
“Bad dream. That's all,” Jake tells him, letting a sigh escape his chest. Sean silently turns over in bed, wraps his arms around Jake.
“It happens. I mean, you know I get those too a lot,” he hums.
“I guess… yeah,” Jake says. He's had to deal with the aftermath of Sean's said nightmares before, hugging his friend till he felt safe enough to sleep. Sean was just… returning the favor.
He still relaxes in his arms after the scare of such a scary dream, glad he had Seen here with him, wrapped up in the comfort and warmth of his arms.
He never wanted to get up. About a half an hour later though, he decides he'll give in. Stay home– just for today. He knows he has class– but he's had good attendance the whole semester so far… so, he can stand to miss a day.
For now, he wanted Sean. He shuffles around in his friend's arms, facing Sean, pulling him close against himself. Jake feels sleepy, his eyelids growing heavy.
Jake drifts off to sleep in Sean's arms, his dreams empty.
He wakes up a little later, and starts his day from there. Sean was off doing who knows what– running errands or drinking. Jake assumes the latter. Jake could still catch a lecture today, it was only 11 now.
He throws on a simple outfit, brushes his hair, and grabs his bag, walking outside of the dorm. He locks it behind him.
—
He makes it back later than usual– 8 pm. It’s already dark out, and the cold chill of the night was creeping into his bones, settling with an overwhelming feeling of… dread. Again, the same feeling from last night– well, his dream last night. He’s almost hesitant to open the door, his hand stuck hovering over the doorknob before he finally powers through it all, and twists the knob.
He pushes the door open. He’s greeted with… that scene. The same one from his dream. Sean’s cold, dead eyes were staring right into his soul, looking at his deepest feelings– and his deepest regrets.
“Shit–” Jake can’t help but gasp. The air smells foul already, decomposition already beginning to take place. When had Sean come back home? When had he died? It’d been hours at least. Jake feels weak in the knees– he has to step out, to call someone before he gives out himself.
Here was laying his best friend, a former shell of what he used to be, his soul replaced with the cold darkness of death. Jake can’t help but feel the tears well up in his eyes. He steps out, turning his back on his now dead friend, his shaking hands looking for his phone in his pockets.
After grasping it, he takes no time calling 911, and he fears having to tell everyone else. His mind is a blur, going through the motions, talking all the words, and watching them load Sean’s body into an ambulance, concealed by a body bag.
Rebecca and Clyde both find out– told by a professional, thankfully Jake could spare himself that mental heartache. Jake spends the night in Rebecca’s dorm that night. He can’t bear to sleep in his bed alone, without the warmth of Sean laying next to him.
Once he was alone– out on Rebecca’s couch with no one to witness it, he broke down. He sobs into one of the throw pillows, muffling his sounds. He didn’t know what to do. He felt lost. Sean meant so much to him. To everyone…
He should have seen the signs that Sean wasn’t mentally well. He should have known– he should have helped.
Jake cries himself to sleep that night, only sleeping after his eyes were tired, and his throat was sore. He sleeps lightly, he can’t stir into a deep enough sleep that night for anything.
—
Jake wakes up, his throat still sore from sobbing himself to sleep that night. But… something’s not right. It’s… deeply wrong. He’s in his bed, his alarm going off at 7:30 AM as per usual. He sits up, and Sean is laying in bed beside him, stirring awake due to the alarm. Jake dismisses it.
“Sean?” He calls softly, his voice splitting. Sean sits up, a pang of worry in his gaze as he hears Jake’s voice.
“You good, man?” He asks. Jake’s voice was split, his eyes were red.
“I–” Jake cuts himself off, he checks the date. Same day as yesterday. Same day as the nightmare. Was it possible that Jake had just had a nightmare inside of another nightmare? He doesn’t know, but Sean wraps his arms around him, holding him tight.
Like Jake always did for him when he had a nightmare. Jake can’t help but start crying, melting into Sean’s arms. He was safe– he was okay.
“Shhh, just calm down,” Sean’s voice is tired, but soft and sweet. All for Jake– only for Jake. Sean’s hand rubs gentle circles into Jake’s back, coaxing him to relax, take deep breaths– and telling him everything would be fine.
He’d really taken a few pages out of Jake’s book, using soft words, holding him close. Even though he realized Sean was just copying what Jake usually did– it made him feel cared for. Sean cared to help. He could never imagine losing him. Whatever nightmares those had been– strangely vivid, remembering every second. Sean’s dead eyes, the flashing of the computer screen, seeing him rolled away on a stretcher– it was all engraved into his brain.
He tries to push it away– he really does. But he can’t. Looking into Sean’s eyes reminds him of the dead ones that looked back, looking at him in that desk chair, sprawled out on his computer.
“Please don’t ever leave me. You know I’m here for you right?” The words spill out of Jake’s mouth, staring up into Sean’s eyes. Sean’s eyes widened.
“I won’t. I promise,” Sean mutters out, hugging Jake tight. They lay there, holding each other tight, like they’re going to lose one another if one of them leaves.
“I’m sorry. I’ve just had some bad… nightmares.” Jake explains, his voice still rough with tears.
“It's fine. We all get them sometimes,” Sean reassures.
“You… killed yourself. In both of them.” Jake tells him. “It was like I had a nightmare inside of a nightmare– is this a nightmare too?” He asks,
Sean's quiet for a long second. “No. It's okay. You're here,” He tells Jake, and brushes a hand through his hair, pushing it out of his face. Sean looks into Jake's eyes.
They still look cold… dead. They don't look alive like they were supposed to. Jake has to break eye contact, just resting against Sean with a shaking breath. He'd calmed down a bit by now.
Still shaken– but his heart wasn't beating in his ears, and he wasn't crying any longer.
Sean pinches his shoulder. “See. You're here. Not a dream,” he hums, and Jake can't help but laugh at that. It helped reassure him that this was real.
He stays home today in the dorm with Sean, and they talk. They play roblox, lay around, and grab lunch. It's nice. Jake ends up taking a small nap around 8am, feeling relaxed and finally at ease.
—
It's late into the night when Sean wakes up Jake, slamming the door closed. He knows Sean's been drinking. It was a bad habit– one Jake was familiar with, usually helping him during these times of the night.
He hadn't even noticed he'd gone out. Sean waited till Jake was asleep.
“Sean?” Jake calls out. Sean doesn't answer, just makes his way to the sink in the kitchenette, hanging over it. Jake gets up quickly as he hears Sean begin to gag, wanting to be beside him.
“Oh– Sean…” he sighs, rubbing his back, not knowing what to do other than standing there. Sean looked weak, frail, and on the verge of blacking out. He was trembling, barely able to hold himself up.
“Come on, let's get to bed,” Jake coaxed after Sean had vomited up probably everything he's eaten in the entire day. It was heartbreaking. Even if it was a normal occurrence.
Sean just lets Jake lead him to bed. He's quiet, barely even breathing. It worries Jake. Once he's laid down, Jake grabs him a bottle of water. He gets Sean to drink about a quarter. A lot less than usual, a lot less than he'd like.
He sets the water bottle on the nightstand, in case Sean wants more. He was… worried, to say the least. But he knew it was normal. Sean would be okay… Sean would be okay.
He makes an effort to turn off his alarm. He didn't have class tomorrow, and he knows Sean wouldn't be up to going to his with the massive hangover he'd surely have. Jake finally lays down beside Sean, gathering him up in his arms. He lets Sean's face rest in the crook of his neck, his weak breath tickling his neck.
He eventually feels Sean still, his breath still there, albeit shallow. Jake is able to coax himself to go to sleep, knowing Sean was alright… or as alright as he could be right now.
—
Jake wakes up to his alarm at 7:30. He's startled– he'd turned it off last night, hadn't he? He quickly grabs his phone to dismiss it, calming the stirring Sean.
“Sorry– I thought I turned it off. Rest,” he hums, setting his phone down, and getting up. He goes over to grab some painkillers from one of the cabinets. He opens it, shaking two pills into his hand. He walks back over to the bed, and reaches for the bottle of water– which isn't there.
Sean must have drank it…? But it seemed like he didn't get up. Jake just goes to grab a bottle of water from the fridge again.
He nudges Sean awake– or at least to wake him up more. Upon him sitting up, he looks… fine.
Jake's confused. “You feeling fine…?”
“Yea, why? Just sleepy,” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes. Jake… is still very confused, his mind going a mile a minute.
“No hangover?”
“...I didn't drink yesterday, Jake.”
“Yes you did–”
“I didn't. I'd remember, I'd have a hangover.”
“But– you came home at like… 2am. You were really drunk– I remember.” Jake swears, looking definitely a little out of it due to the dazed confusion he was experiencing. He puts the pills and water on the nightstand, and grabs his phone.
It was… yesterday? Well… it was the same day. This was beginning to freak Jake out. He sits back down on the bed.
“Oh my god…” he mumbles.
He feels like he's been reliving the same day.
As soon as he thinks this– it's like a broken dam, the way memories come flooding in. From his life. Of what his life was– Sean's death day, seildirectory, Rebecca, Clyde, Aubree, Sam, the fragments, nilspace. All of it.
“I've watched you die two– no, three times now I think,” Jake mutters. Sean looks puzzled. Nothing major happens.
“Hey. Calm down– it's okay. Maybe it was just a nightmare.” Sean says, his voice a little firm.
Jake wants to believe him. Just this once. But he can't.
There had to be a reason that he relived the day of his best friend's death. Forced to relive this day, tortured by the knowledge now that he'd see Sean die. He'd seen Sean die twice– three times, he assumes by the fact he'd ended up here once more.
It chills him to the bone, the implication that Sean had died right in his arms. He curls in on himself. Why was he here?
Why was he stuck? How could he get unstuck?
Was he meant to save Sean?
—
The next loop of days is filled with immense amounts of dread and despair. now.
Sean wouldn't stay alive– Jake couldn't keep him here. No matter how hard he tried. Keeping him in the dorm didn't work– hiding pills and knives didn't work– he couldn't take his computer without an argument brewing.
It was a lost cause.
Jake was forced to relive this hell, every day watching his best friend die.
Today they're out, eating lunch.
He doesn't even know what Sean was. Was he really reliving his past? Or was this just hell. Had he fucked up that bad in life? Jake would redo it all in a heartbeat.
He looks at Sean, the way the sun reflects off of curly brown hair, his soft smile as he focuses on devouring his lunch whole.
He didn't know this would be his last meal.
Jake does though. The guilt eats away at him, was he supposed to tell Sean? He's afraid. He's afraid it's going to all come crashing down if he did. If he called out whatever was doing this.
He couldn't lose Sean. Whatever Sean was… an illusion, a fake. It was all he had left.
He wanted to save him. Change the past. Fix his mistakes.
“I've watched you die before,” the words push themselves out.
Sean cocks his head.
“Everyday is today, I wake up at 7:30. You're next to me. You always die.”
“Jake, what are you saying?”
“You're going to die,” he says sadly.
“I can't tell– are you threatening me?”
“It's a loop. I'm in a loop– I can't save you. I try,” he confesses.
Sean is silent.
“I'm sorry I can't.”
“Maybe… maybe I was meant to die, Jake.” Sean says.
“But– I can't lose you. Losing you destroyed me. I fucked up.” Jake stressed.
“You're trying to change the past. We're both dead, Jake. We can't change it.” Sean tells him.
Hearing it from Sean himself made Jake hopeless. “I don't want to see you die anymore. Please…” he mutters.
“I'm going to die. It's a loop. We're stuck. You're stuck. You were selfish.” Sean tells him.
“I know– I know.”
“You still had people who cared. What about Sam? Everyone else?”
“But– I wanted you.” Jake whines out.
“I know. But I'm dead. I'm not here right now. I'm not in nilspace anymore, Jake.” Sean explains.
“How are you talking to me? Are you Sean? Are you– one of the fragments?”
“I don't know.”
“...Okay.”
Sean looks at him. His eyes are cold and dead. Sean has always been dead. Jake takes a breath.
He gives up.
“I miss you.” Jake confesses softly.
“I miss you too.” Sean smiled. “You need to rest. You're not happy, you're reliving this because you're stubborn.” Sean shakes his head.
“I want to rest… I'm tired. I'm cold. I want to see you again,” he tells Sean.
“Then see me.”
—
The next day– Jake doesn't wake up in his bed.
He doesn't wake up ever again.