Work Text:
It started out simple.
Hua Cheng was visiting Xie Lian's place. He doesn't even remember what he came here for. It doesn't matter that they're engaged, Hua Cheng still thinks it's funny to only come over if he has an excuse.
"I think I forgot something from last time," or maybe "I picked up too much food, would you like some?" They both know he's joking, but Xie Lian still plays along. Even when he says he forgot something and comes over with everything already in hand.
It doesn't matter what the excuse is, every time he comes over, they just sit on Xie Lian's shitty couch and watch some terrible movie or series together.
This time, they're doing that, all while eating some food from Xie Lian's favorite takeout place, the empty boxes and bowls sitting on his unusually clean coffee table.
His apartment looks a lot better now than it did when Hua Cheng first visited, he thinks.
His mattress was replaced, Hua Cheng making sure to replace it the second he slept on it for himself.
("Gege," He said, still panting. "Is your back alright?"
Xie Lian laughed, stretching his arms above his head. "What do you think?"
"Not because of that," He chuckles, placing a hand on his bare hip. "Your mattress," He shifts, seemingly finding it hard to get comfortable. "It feels like there's something in it."
Ah, Xie Lian understands now. He just got used to it, he guesses. He can't imagine how uncomfortable San Lang must be, it's hard to say how soft his mattress is. It probably feels like sleeping on a cloud. "Sorry-"
A finger is placed over his lip. "I didn't ask for an apology," He laughs. "I just want to make sure you're not in pain."
He woke up the next morning to San Lang unpacking a mattress in his living room. Xie Lian, in all honesty, wasn't that surprised. Though he was quite shocked at how quickly it arrived.)
He has a few more plants too, which make the place more lively (even despite the cracks in the wallpaper.)
They were washing dishes- or, they were supposed to be, anyway. They were really bumping hips and splashing water at each other, dirty dishes forgotten at the bottom of the sink.
It's so crazy to think that Xie Lian used to be able to live without San Lang's presence in his life. That he used to be fine without his pretty smile and sharp teeth, his wild (though soft) hair, his pretty nails gently scraping over his scalp to lure him to sleep. Now that he's had it, he's not sure he could ever survive without him.
He gets sentimental so easily, these days.
It all happens at once. He was laughing, wiping the water droplets from his face, when suddenly, the lights went out.
It's not unheard of for his lightbulbs to burst. It happens once every month at least (probably what he gets for buying the dented box in the clearance pile.)
Though, he thinks as he looks behind him, into the equally dark living room, it is very odd for multiple to go out at once.
Goddammit.
"Shit," Hua Cheng says it under his breath, and Xie Lian can see the grimace on his face so clearly in his head, he doesn't need the light to know it's there. "Do you have any flashlights?"
Xie Lian knows he has one somewhere, but it's hard to say if it works. He could probably search around for it, but he has no idea where to even start.
"I have candles?"
The lighter flicks as the last candle is lit, adding a dim warm glow to the center of his living room.
"You sit here," Hua Cheng starts, gently pushing Xie Lian to the couch. "I'm gonna go grab my phone to report the outage."
It's weird, Xie Lian thinks, how his couch is suddenly so much harder now that his San Lang isn't sitting on it with him.
It's been a while since Xie Lian has lost power like this. His lights flickered all the time, and it's certainly not the first outage he's experienced, but it's the first one where he wasn't prepared.
Growing up, he was terrified of the dark. He could never explain why, but he always felt like he was being watched. Like the second he tore his eyes away from his surroundings, the darkness would close in on him, and swallow him whole. He would wonder if his parents would remember him if the darkness took him.
Back then, though, during that fear, he had his mother. Every time their power went out, she would run to him and hold him in her arms until the lights came back on, telling him all the while that he'd be okay.
He stopped hating the dark after long. Sometimes, if he was having a bad week, he'd even hope the power would cut out, just so his mother would hold him.
How long has it been now, since he's felt her embrace?
He's not scared of the dark anymore. He knows monsters aren't real, creatures don't lurk outside of his sight. The darkness isn't a sentient entity, it can't harm him.
But weirdly enough, without his mother's arms, he feels like that child again. That child who awoke to a pitch-black room one night, and cried on the floor in his pajamas until his mother came in to soothe him.
He can still picture it now; the scent of her perfume, her hand petting his hair, the softness of her clothes as he sat on her lap.
He's far too big for it now, but he likes to think that if she were here, she'd still hold him like she did all those years ago.
"Hey," It's barely a whisper, but Xie Lian hears it. He thinks he would always hear him. "Are you alright?"
San Lang kneels in front of him and wipes at his face, and it's only then that Xie Lian realizes that he was crying.
He almost nods. Almost shoves those thoughts back down, pretending he's okay, just like he has been for years. But here, in his barely lit living room, sitting on his shitty, cheap couch, with his fiance holding his face, he can't imagine lying. He can't imagine saying anything but "I miss my mother."
So he does.
"Oh, Gege," He coos, moving to sit next to him. His hand slides to the back of his head, gently pushing it into the crook of his neck. His other hand rubs circles on his back as he whispers to him. Xie Lian can't really understand what he's saying- his mind too preoccupied with feeling these emotions he's buried for almost a decade, but he likes the sound of his voice. He likes feeling the gentle breaths against his ear.
"This is so silly," He breathes. How stupid must he look right now? His parents died so long ago, he shouldn't still be affected by it.
"It's not silly," It's some of the first words Xie Lian actually understands. Alongside the river of "I love you," and "You're alright,"
"You're hurting, that's not silly." Strangely, Xie Lian almost wants to believe him. He almost wants to throw his brain out of the window, and watch as it splatters against the ground- blood and matter coating the sidewalk- and just listen to his San Lang. Just believe whatever he says.
"I still cry over my mother, too."
Xie Lian can barely hear it, but the second he does, he moves his head from where it slid to Hua Cheng's chest to look him in the eyes.
"I don't remember her much, she died too early. But the memories I do have," He pauses, looking at his own open hand. "She was the only one I had as a child. Sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if she had stayed with me."
He turns back to Xie Lian, looking him in the eyes. "Do you think that's silly? That I still cry for what could've been?"
"Of course not." How could he? He understands that all too well, the late-night wishing for them to be with you. He can't count the number of times he's dreamt of getting to talk with his parents again. Telling them about his job, or his friends, or San Lang.
"Then why is it silly when you do it?"
Xie Lian doesn't have an answer. He's never thought about it, but it's always felt so childish. It's been so long, he thought that everyone else would have told him the same thing. That if he ever cried, they'd all tell him he was overreacting.
"It's okay to be upset," He runs his fingers through Xie Lian's hair, twirling some of the strands around his fingers. "I'll be here to put you back together every time."
They stay like that for a while, hugging by the candlelight. Xie Lian can't remember the last time he felt so peaceful. The cotton of Hua Cheng's shirt rubs against his face as he moves, reaching behind Xie Lian to pull a blanket over them both.
The power comes back on a few hours later.
Xie Lian doesn't find out until the next morning, though. Until then, he's too busy snoring against his lover's chest.