Chapter Text
“Rin!”
“Oh god–What have you done?”
“You need to keep quiet– it’s fine, you’re fine–"
“Do you know what will happen if you tell anyone else?”
“Don't call them! they'll take him away! They’ll take my baby away!”
“Rin.”
When Rin wakes up, he’s bleary-eyed and aching.
In his peripheral vision he can see the rushed movement of scenery blurring into one through the taxi windows, too fast to stay focused on one singular thing.
He shifts ever so slightly, letting his arms fall from his lap to either side– the pads of his fingers digging into leather seats as he tries to sit up straight. But even then, the inside of his arm brushes against the seat behind himself, forcing him to bite down on his tongue as the ache flares and burns and practically renders every other sense completely useless.
Rin didn’t even know he squeezed his eyes shut until he felt how tense his eyelids were. He allows himself the mercy to keep his eyes closed for a few more seconds. Shakily breathing in and out.
In and out.
He moves his arms to rest back in his lap, allowing his blunt nails to dig into the fat of his own thighs instead of the poor seat. He finally opens his eyes fully, actually taking in where he is currently.
At some point during the drive, the nostalgic coastal views were suddenly covered up by cemented floors and high-rise buildings. Rin lets an annoyed grumble bubble up in the back of his throat, he hasn’t been in Tokyo enough times to recognize where exactly he is in the jumble of offices and clubs and everything else that Japan’s capital actually has to offer.
Instead, he leans back fully against the seat once more. Letting his legs (Lanky and clearly way too long to look normal on his body) stretch ever so slightly, just enough to feel that burn in his calves and to keep that restless side of himself satisfied.
Rin huffs under his breath breath. Letting his palms stretch wide against his thighs, and eventually bringing one of his hands to the side of his jeans, where the intimidating weight of his own phone sits idly. He digs his fingers into the pocket and takes it out, scrolling past the ‘do not disturb’ on his lock screen to check for any important notifications.
The notifications are a few from instagram, mostly from old teammates or classmates sending encouraging– ‘good luck’ and ‘we’ll miss you!’s through his social media.
Pathetic.
He doesn’t think twice before deleting the notifications on his screen, trashing them as soon as they pop up. The only thing that gets the pad of his thumb to holt is when he sees a text from a random number, a few of them, actually:
+81 ### #### ###: Hey Rin.
+81 ### #### ###: Your phone number was just sent through now, thought I’d send you the code for the apartment…
1 more message.
Rin can feel something settle in his lower stomach. Something sickening and so unlike himself that it threatens to crawl up to his chest, within seconds it’s squeezing his lungs tightly and forcing them against his rib cage. It’s his older–
It’s Sae.
I mean– of course at some point during his stay here he would be forced to have Sae’s number, it would be dumb not to have it, and more importantly; there’s no deeper significance that suddenly shows itself now that Rin is actually able to text his brother.
Nope, none at all.
His fingers curl around the screen of his phone, before plunging it back into the deep depths of his jean pocket, in an decisive attempt to forget about the ordeal all together. Until his wrist slides against the side of his jumper and fuck it hurts.
It’s stupid, this entire situation is stupid. And the thought seems to stick in his brain even after he lets his forehead rest against the cool glass of the window. Feeling subconsciously as the glass starts to become lukewarm when he closes his eyes once more.
And yeah, Rin feels stupid right about now.
***
Rin remembers waking up in the hospital.
The blinding light of a pristine white room is what he recalls greeting his vision first. It makes the feeling in his head start to throb against his skull. Rin moves to suck in a shuddered breath when he feels the uncomfortable presence of something in his throat. The internal sounds of his arm muscles creaking and groaning in protest as they fly up to touch his mouth, his fingers running up and down clear plastic tubes that seem to go deeper in his throat than even his fingers can reach. What the hell- what the hell-
He starts to suck in sharper, shallower breaths. His mouth trying to close around the instrument, his blunt nails picking at the tape on either side of his mouth when the door to the room he’s in opens up.
He remembers faceless bodies that seem to poke and prod at each scar on his arms, feeling robotic like fingers graze over fresh bandages. He remembers exactly when the tubes digging into his throat changed onto a simple plastic mask that rested over his mouth, and the glint of a police badge as a significantly older man sat down next to his bedside.
Abuse. The older man mouthed, or spoke– in the moment he didn’t hear much at all.
He couldn’t breathe either; it was like he just ran out of the hospital room and dived head-first into a bay, wheezing into the water and letting it clog up his senses.
Until it was just Rin, the dark, and the lighter coloured hair on his arms that didn’t match the hair on his head.
And now? He’s all packed up and currently being driven almost two hours away from his coastal hometown to live in the big city of Tokyo. And with Sae. (Rin is still trying to come to terms with that fact.)
He knows enough, like: He knows where he’s going to go to school, he knows that the court mandated that he has to see a psychiatrist while under the care of Sae, and they’ll probably be living with Sae’s fuck ass boyfriend– one that Rin can’t even fathom the fact that he used to see Ryusei as a brother rather than a pest.
When Rin is jostled by a particularly large bump in the road, he cracks open his eyes once again. In the back of his mind, he feels the taxi slowly halt to a stop. But most of his focus is going into a panic of: holy shit, holy shit, holy shit–
He clicks his tongue when the car slows into a steady park, and how the driver suddenly slides out of his seat to quickly get Rin’s shit out of the boot of the car. Rin quickly slides out of the car himself. Letting his palm rest for a few more seconds against the now warm leather seat, a few more seconds of peace.
Because now: Rin stares up at an extremely tall complex, with rows stacked upon rows, and at some point a guy just has to wonder if it’s even structurally safe anymore?
Rin grumbles under his breath, staring to walk forward as he weakly tugs his small suitcase along with him. He tries to ignore the embarrassment that crawls up onto his cheeks when he enters the pristine– and very elegant lobby of the complex. He feels a few pairs of eyes on him, especially a receptionist that seems to dig holes into Rin’s back when he doesn’t immediately walk up to the front desk first. That’s until the receptionist looks down at something on the desk and relaxes.
That bastard really took all the precautions, huh?
Rin just enters the elevator alone, quickly fumbling for his phone as he opens up Sae’s message. He’s on… the 12th floor? Jesus christ how high can a man go before it could be considered flying.
When he gets off on the 12th floor, Rin tries to ignore how that feeling in his stomach starts to become more prominent again. And this time it completely ignores the step in making his chest feel tight and instead it crawls up his throat. Yeah, he’s going to vomit. He’s going to see Sae for the first time in years and what does he have to show for it?
Bandages wrapped around his arms and throat? Shoddy black hair dye on his mop of a hairstyle? Rin tries to straighten his face into nonchalance, because even though he’s unprepared Sae should be feeling worse off, maybe he doesn’t even want Rin in the same 100 metre vicinity as him– and he’s just doing this out of courtesy.. Maybe he should turn around and–
Rin almost does exactly that, until he looks down at his phone screen:
yoyoyo: good luck on your move to Tokyo! This means you’ll be slightly closer to me, and maybe we could actually hang out soon. Lol.
Rin flushes.
Yes, Itoshi Rin just got a notification of discord from a user named ‘yoyoyo.’
Yes, it’s a random guy Rin became friends with after playing a co-op horror game and actually deciding that this guy became worthy of his grace. (he thought Yo was funny.)
Rin tries to ignore the lingering thought that if anyone found out that he almost backed out from this plan only to get stopped by a online friend he would probably be forced to commit suicide out of sheer embarrassment: so he ignores it.
He instead takes one step, then two steps, and suddenly he’s standing in front of Sae’s front door.
He actually is going to vomit.
Rin pointedly ignores Yo’s little message to open up Sae’s again. He sent the little digit code to unlock the front door but– does he want Rin to use it now? What if he seems rude if he suddenly walks in? What if he knocks and Sae asks why the hell he didn't use the code to let himself in. Everything is just too fucking complex, he should’ve just died at some point during his life.
(Very dramatic jump from concepts, Rin will explore this in a later therapy session)
Rin decides to shove his foot in his mouth when he lifts up his weakly closed fist to knock on the front door, but before he can actually build up the confidence to nonchalantly react to Sae opening the door, engaging in detached conversation: ‘was the drive here alright?’ ‘mhm.’ and retiring to his temporary room for the rest of the day and crying. The front door opens.
Sae, in all his 5'9 glory, looks up at Rin with the most bored expression on his face, as if he either:
1. Knew Rin was here this entire time and was waiting for Rin to do something stupid and gay to embarrass himself,
2. It was a coincidence and Sae has just reached the peak of apathy.
Sae blinks, and with his free hand that’s not holding a small trash bag he pats his micro bangs down onto his head, letting his gaze run freely over Rin’s adolescent features. When Sae’s vision wanders down to the bandages wrapped around his throat Rin tries his damn best to not to curl in on himself out of shame when Sae’s eyes narrow.
Sae’s changed, even if it’s slightly.
From photos on social media to now actually seeing him in real life. He’s grown up into a real adult. With his stupid bangs pushed back (most of the time) to blend into the rest of his hair, to being built like a serious athlete. Even now his aura screams respect. Rin doesn’t even want to know how much of a complete and utter loser he looks like compared to his older brother.
Sae opens his mouth to say something, before closing it, and opening it once more as he steps to the side.
“..It’s cold out.”
***
Sae is a bit ashamed to admit where he was when he first got the call.
It was only a day or two after one of those charity matches, okay? He had a few days for himself so if–, more like when he woke up next to Ryusei he wasn’t really surprised.
It was about four in the morning. He didn’t need to check the time to know as such. He was a strict athlete with a strict diet and an even stricter morning routine, after a year or two he didn’t need alarms anymore to wake himself up; his body clock now permanently altered.
Beside him Ryusei was sound asleep, drooling onto expensive pillows and absolutely blissed out. Sae immediately ignored the feeling of petty annoyance that seemed to bubble up in his gut when looking at how comfortable Ryusei was sleeping, instead he turned onto his stomach, bringing up a palm to cup Ryusei’s face– making him squirm even in the deep depths of unconsciousness. Sae would’ve scoffed if his phone didn’t start vibrating next to his head.
More dramatically than the action called for, Sae quickly swipes the phone off of the bed and holds it in his hand, letting it vibrate in his hand instead before it could bother Ryusei’s sleep. Sae keeps his gaze plastered to Ryusei’s body language making sure the demon was still fast asleep. Not that he would’ve felt necessarily guilty if he woke up, I mean– what’s wrong with another roun–
Sae sits up on the edge of the bed, trying to make out the words of one of his contacts on the screen. But instead he only sees a string of numbers.
Internally: he groans and grabs the soccer ball under his bed to set it up nicely in the middle of his room, before making a curved shot and crashing it into every single glass object in this room to release his frustration.
Externally: He picks up the phone. (Because he is an adult and resorting to petty destructive acts would probably undo years of therapy.)
Last thing he expected was a call from the police. Much less from his hometown he hasn't stepped a foot in for years, even less about Rin.
He gets a shitty rundown about an accident, something self-inflicted, something neglect and Sae has to remind himself to wake the fuck up before he misses something important.
He then gets sent a email in extreme detail about Rin’s fucked up condition. He suddenly wonders how his world can turn upside down in such an extreme way. Where his younger brother who he hasn’t heard from in years– his chubby baby with big green eyes and pink hair that used to mimic his own had tried to suddenly slip through everyone’s fingers like water, and he didn't even know it.
He doesn’t want to admit the way he sobbed like a baby himself, until he woke Ryusei up at the ungodly hour and forced Ryusei to stay close to Sae’s side for a little while after that. Ryusei didn’t necessarily complain, in fact Sae is sure the demon enjoyed the little extra time he got to hold his boyfriend.
It was a rough patch of time for everyone. Sae reeling with guilt and disbelief, with bullet holes from his own childhood that seemed to open up from one measly email and phone call. It left Ryusei with the responsibility to quickly patch him back up and kiss all those scars once again.
Sae recalls so clearly a conversation between himself and Ryusei, sitting in the living room with fresh boxes of takeout warming up their thighs.
“What’s happenin’ over there?” Ryusei asked, his voice lazy as he twirled some pasta around a plastic fork.
Sae tensed up for a split second, before trying to lose the tenseness with a shrug, looking down at his own pasta.
“I don’t know, I don’t want to know anyway.”
Ryusei scoffs out loud, and despite the fact they have food in their hands and they just got a new sofa he nudges Sae’s side, huffing playfully.
“We both know you want to know badly, ‘m surprised you haven't already packed your bags and gone over there!” Sae quickly steadies his box, before weakly pushing Ryusei back into the cushions, and he grumbles.
“I don’t have any authority, you know?” Sae admits under his breath. And he knows it for a complete fact. He could go back over there, maybe beat some sense into his parents, tell them: you fucked up so badly with me, the least you could do is pay attention to Rin instead! He could sit by Rin’s bedside and brush his bangs to the side and whisper stupid comforting words even though they both would know it wasn’t true at all. But he couldn't. He has no real power over anything over there, he can’t just go and criticise and mock and judge when he left. Sae feels a warm palm poking his hip, and a lazy drawl snaps him out of his thoughts.
“Sae, you’re talking to yourself again,” Ryusei states casually, moving to sit thigh-to-thigh sith Sae and continuing. “You know I can’t read what’s in that pretty little head of yours, I could certainly try though! I like to pride myself on being able to read you nicely–” Sae pokes the bony part of his elbow into Ryusei’s side before he finishes.
“Back off, I was just thinking.” He whispers. Sae keeps his eyes on his pasta for a few moments longer, and an almost queasy feeling, so familiar, gurgles in his throat. So he sets the pasta down somewhere far away and decides to focus on resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.
It’s silent, and Sae can’t help but be slightly surprised that Ryusei is actually taking out time from his life to sit here and think about what Sae should do about.. The whole ordeal.
He knows that Ryusei and Rin used to be close– well, not close. If that’s what you call watching your boyfriend tease your little brother and get into squabbles and petty physical fights with each other almost constantly for about a year or two; okay, at some point he could’ve swore that they were at least friends.
And then Ryusei moved to Tokyo, Sae followed suit without looking back.
If anything, Ryusei should’ve forgotten all about Rin. Whatever sentimentality he held for Rin should have been buried under years of distance.
But now, as Sae’s gaze rises to watch how Ryusei’s face has that silly contemplative expression on it, something in his chest tightens, even if it’s slightly.
“I think you do have some authority,” Ryusei drags out lazily, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I mean, in the eyes of the law, wink wink nudge nudge.” Sae glares at Ryusei, and he mumbles.
“What the hell are you on about– you know what, whatever illegal plan you’re concocting in your head I want no part.” Sae moves to turn the other way, when Ryusei’s hand snakes behind Sae to pull them flush together.
“Sae, take some time to think about it, but I think Rin would benefit from being away from there for a little while.”
Finally to Sae, it made sense. On paper at least.
Rin would benefit,
It’s the entire reason why Sae hadn’t immediately slammed the door shut from nerves when he opened it up to see Rin’s face for the first time in years. God, when he actually had to look up at Rin he felt the tear ducts in his eyes come to life. He’s growing into their features– exceptionally well. Even then what stole Sae’s attention is that he didn’t look happy.
Rin had Sae’s eyes, and before Sae got the small chance to indulge in how his baby brother was growing up the dark circles started to show. His skin was so pale despite being on the coast for the last few years, and when Sae allowed his eyes to move down, Rin’s posture curled defensively–even if it was slight, the sudden change was there.
His gaze was hooked on the bandages twisted around Rin’s neck, and even in his peripheral he could see the same ones peeking out the end of Rin’s jumper.
Now: They’re sitting in front of each other on opposing chairs at the dining table.
Sae doesn’t know how to have these conversations, especially when Rin is looking down at his lap and is picking at his fingernails so utterly childishly and stupidly like he’s not finally reunited with his brother.
Everytime Sae opens his mouth to speak it feels terribly shallow:
“How have you been?”
“I heard what happened.”
“Is Kanagawa still the same as always?”
“I’ve missed you.”
“You dumb tepid idiot do you know how worried sick I was?!”
Sae just settles on a simple, “Rin,”
Rin looks up from his hands to Sae, his body still curled defensively as if preparing for whatever words come out of Rin’s mouth next. Sae sucks in a deep breath and he asks politely.
“Was the drive here okay?” (How utterly lame.)
Rin thinks for a few moments, looking around the tidy space around him, he seems to hesitate with his answer. Before muttering.
“Yeah, it was fine.”
Sae nods along, following the invisible line that Rin trails as he looks around himself.
“Okay,” Sae sighs, and he brings his hands up to rest on the table.
Rin flinches.
His baby brother flinches when Sae moves his hands. His baby.
Sae fights the urge to immediately hide them under the table as he continues his sentence.
“So, yeah, things are a little.. awkward right about now.” He speaks cautiously, rolling over every word in his head ten times over before he speaks aloud.
“Just want to set a few ground rules here, like, you do have a curfew,” Sae bites back a groan when he hears his own voice say Rin has a curfew. God he’d be such a lukewarm parent. “8pm, y’know we’re in Tokyo, things get a little crazy after evening,” and as soon as Sae says that, he can’t stop the word vomit that pours out.
“I– uh, I know I said 8pm, but really you should aim to get back here at 7pm, it turns lively at night and it’s different from where you were before but if anything you should fit in fine–”
Rin just nods along, and he weakly whispers: ‘yeah, okay.’
That shuts Sae up, and this time he’s conscious of his own movements as he brings his hand up to brush his micro bangs back.
“Ryusei is living with us, and before you do anything–” Sae rushes out. It feels like he’s talking too fast, am I talking too fast? Does Rin even understand what the hell I’m saying? Everything just feels so sticky and gooey in my mouth–
“–He knows not to mess with you. But please, if he says hi just say hi back, you don’t have to engage in a full-length discussion.” Sae says, trying to keep the exasperation he’s feeling out of his tone as he looks over Rin’s body language. It’s not telling him anything, except for the fact that Rin is tense, but he’s been tense this entire time as well so it’s not anything important to hone in on currently.
“How’re you feeling about uh, this,” Sae does a weird waving motion with his hand “whole thing?” After a few seconds of silence Sae prods again. “Excited? Uh, nervous?”
RIn raises a brow, and he mumbles, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest.
“..’don’t know.”
Great answer.
Sae nods along and he stands up from the table. “You hungry? I can make you a snack?”
Rin shakes his head, looking over to where Sae was walking. Sae lets out a quiet hum, walking to stand behind Rin’s chair.
“Come on, I’ll show you to your room.”
“..’kay.”
Rin gets up from his chair, grabbing his suitcase and following Sae down a long hallway. They stop at the last door on the right, Rin whispers under his breath.
“How many rooms do you even have in here?” Sae looks over his shoulder back at Rin, and he sighs.
“Like, four, even though it’s just me and that demon– I don't know, he chose this apartment.” Sae hesitates when he can feel himself about to babble nonsense again, settling on just opening the bedroom door and walking inside with Rin.
The room is simple, minimalistic.
It has a bed, a dresser and a desk, everything Rin needs.
Sae vaguely gestures to the entire room as he speaks. “This is yours, decorate it however you want, ‘don’t care.” He then points to the door right in front of Rin’s. “That’s the bathroom you can use, I don't mind if you leave your stuff in there, just don’t mess it up.” Sae takes a few steps back until he’s standing at the threshold again, he leans against it and asks. “Any questions?”
Rin shakes his head again, and he keeps his eyes on Sae, as if waiting for something else.
Sae stands up straight as if he’s about to walk off, but he continues to stand there, a doubtful look showing on his face. It takes a few moments before he mutters.
“...I know that it’s rough right about now, but just keep talking,” Sae starts, but he immediately cringes at his words, moving to take a step back when he sees Rin’s body tense. “My bedroom is down there, uh,” he points somewhere down the hall. “You can talk about whatever, whenever.” Just don’t shut me out.
Rin nods along, a sort of iffy expression showing on his face. Sae thinks that he might break down, maybe he’ll finally tell his side of the story, or how he’s feeling about moving all the way to a new city, in a new school and with himself. But Rin just turns away, making a move to unpack.
Sae walks off, leaving Rin alone.
***
It’s been a whole week of living with Sae(and Ryusei, but to be honest Rin hasn’t seen the guy around.)
(The reason he hasn’t seen Ryusei around is because he’s been holed up in his new room for the past seven days.)
He managed to fend Sae off, muttering something that he’s just studying, getting ready for this random school change so late into the year– he has been studying! … maybe.
He’s sitting at his desk, with his laptop staring back at him, the blue screen burning into his retinas. But he’s not reading what’s on the screen. He’s just.. Thinking.
For the past week he hasn’t been getting sleep, maybe a few hours at best and staying up through the entire night at the worst. Constantly keeping an ear out for when the front door opens and closes in the morning, signalling that Sae and Ryusei have left. It’s only then when Rin goes out. He has a shower, eats some fruit and retreats back into the safety of his own room.
It’s not that he’s scared. Things are just different.
From what he’s heard through the door, Sae and Ryusei are happy like this, living in this apartment and going to train with their teammates in some silly little stadium–and fine, good for them. But sometimes Rin can hear them talking about plans, stuff they want to do and go out to, friends that they want to meet and catch up with and damn; Rin doesn’t belong here.
With his parents, at least there was a mutual understanding that no one spoke, silence settled throughout the entire house. If you saw another, you didn’t speak to them, they didn’t want to speak to you. Now, this place rings with Ryusei’s laughter and calm chatter from Sae. Where does Rin fit into this dynamic? How could he just sit with his older brother and his boyfriend and act as if he belongs here when he so clearly doesn’t?
Rin audibly groans, and he whispers: “thinking is too difficult.”
He stands up from his desk and walks over to his suitcase, still mostly packed with everything that he came here with. He rummages past piles of clothes and unzips a small pocket hidden on the side of the case. His fingers close around the plastic end of a razor. He doesn’t think too much about this anymore, it just means that he’s thinking harder, and that’s why he does it in the first place– so he doesn't have to think at all.
It’s normal now, casual.
It’s not something that gets his heart pumping with adrenaline and other ‘what ifs.’ he knows what he’s doing and he knows every single outcome that can come out of it.
He knows what he’s doing.
He closes his fist around the razor, and takes a few steps towards the bedroom door. Rin knows that Ryusei should be gone, the door opened and closed slightly earlier this morning– he’s alone in this apartment.
He also knows that the devil plays tricks on unsuspecting victims.
Tell Rin why: when he has already opened his bedroom door, and halfway to the bathroom does he see the shadow of someone approaching him– of Ryusei approaching him.
Ryusei raises his hand lazily, still dressed in his pyjamas, as he calls out.
“Hey, Rinnie,” Ryusei purrs. It’s so simple, it’s so easy for Ryusei to immediately go back to old nicknames, and Rin feels like a stupid child again, watching as Sae and Ryusei run off and never look back.
Rin doesn’t hide his scowl, and he grumbles reluctantly.
“Hey…” Rin raises his gaze higher to look up at Ryusei’s hair, before finishing off with,
“... Antennaed freak.”
“You’re really not letting that go, huh?” Ryusei’s laid back smile becomes a little forced, and he brings his hand down to ruffle Rin’s hair. Rin swats Ryusei’s hand away, and he snarls.
“It’s not my fault you still style yourself as a cockroach, cockroach.”
Rin watches in slow motion when Ryusei’s eyes fall on Rin’s closed fist.
Fuck, wrong hand.
Rin moves to quickly pull his hand back, but before it can hide within the privacy behind his back Ryusei latches onto Rin’s wrist.
“Have ‘ya eaten breakfast yet?” Ryusei asks suddenly, his grip on Rin’s wrist tightening slightly when he tries to pull away.
“Yes,” Rin growls, trying once again to shake off the other’s grip.
“Cool, what did ‘ya eat?” Ryusei prods, his eyes ever so slightly narrowing at Rin’s quick answer.
Rin hesitates, dropping his gaze for a few seconds before yanking his hand away harshly.
“Is it really any of your business?”
“Hm, kinda,” Ryusei hums, bringing up a hand to pinch Rin’s cheek, trying to keep his playful persona up. “Especially when it has to do with my cute littl’ baby lashes.” Rin flushes, feeling embarrassment burn under his skin, and he takes a step back, scoffing. “Shut the fuck up.”
Ryusei pouts, feigning sadness, and he takes a step back as well, putting more space in between them.
“Well, well, I can’t force you, seems like you have something more important to do anyway,” He tilts his head down towards Rin’s closed fist–more like what's enclosed in it. Rin sputters, hiding his fist behind his back, grumbling.
“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?” Ryusei shrugs, and he draws out lazily–in a clear provocation.
“Yeah yeah, I just didn’t think you grew that much hair in the first place, you’re always so baby faced. I mean, that’s why you have that, right?”
Rin freezes, and he knows this is just how Ryusei is, he provokes, and taunts and whatever other synonyms he’ll remember later. He still hesitates to answer, looking back up to meet Ryusei’s eyes.
“..yeah, right.” he mumbles, with less confidence than he would like to admit to himself.
Ryusei watches in stunned silence as Rin gives up and walks back into his room, shutting his door closed and instantly clicking it shut behind himself.
So that’s why Ryusei finds himself hesitating when he looks over to Sae a few hours later.
“I think your brother was about to relapse.”
Sae looks up from where he was unbuttoning his shirt, having become lost in thought and staring at himself in the mirror as he undresses; methodically taking off his clothes. Sae looks over his shoulder back at where Ryusei was sitting on the edge of their bed, staring intently at Sae’s back.
“Huh?”
“Rin was holding a razor in his hand and walking to the bathroom,” Ryusei starts, looking down at his own hands. A strange, foreign look of doubt plastered on his face. He opens and closes his hands for a few moments before continuing. “I tried to tease ‘im, get his mind out of whatever state he was probably in. He just walked back to his room and locked the door.”
Sae feels himself become restless, his legs tensing with the need to run to Rin’s bedroom, knock on his door (barge in) and demand he hand his blade over. He just hides his hands in the pocket of his trousers.
“I don't know, hun. Has he, uh, said anything to you? Opened up?” Sae doesn’t need to think about it to shake his head. Turning away from Ryusei to stare at himself in the full-length mirror. It’s silent in their room for a moment, before Sae gathers the courage to admit out loud.
“I– I can’t tell what the hell he’s thinking about.”
And it’s embarrassing, because Sae was stressed out about what he would do if Rin acted out; he was so prepared to suddenly carry the weight of Rin’s large adolescent presence in their home. But it’s like he doesn’t exist at all. He hides in his room, studying, he says. He won’t eat with them, he hasn’t gone out to explore the surrounding city– he was prepared to deal with too much, not too little. How is he supposed to help someone who isolates?
Oh God, he knew that he wasn’t suited for this. He knew that Rin wouldn’t react well! And what does he do? He forces Rin to attend a new school, hang around people he hasn't seen in years and–
“Babe, stop.” Ryusei huffs bluntly, standing up from the bed and walking over to Sae. He rests his hands on Sae’s shoulder, pushing the unbuttoned shirt to the ground. Digging his thumbs into the tense parts of Sae’s upper body. The touch brings Sae down to earth, and he lets out a sigh, bringing up his own hands to rest upon Ryusei’s.
“I didn’t think Rin would be the type to isolate.” He tries his damn best to articulate the words circling his head, but when he tries to get them out of his mouth they cling to his throat. Making it hard to breathe, hard to think.
“Yeah, definitely was a shocker,” Ryusei tries to validate, and he pushes his weight onto the balls of his feet, looking up at the ceiling as he leans back. “Man, and I was looking forward to tackling him again! I wanted to see if he learnt any new moves.” Sae pulls his hands away to punch Ryusei in the stomach, grumbling.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Ha! You’re right, I would never!” (lie)
Sae rolls his eyes at the smirk on Ryusei’s face even as he doubles over, and he sighs, moving to walk to the bathroom connected to their room.
“I’ll talk to him about it,” Sae decides out loud, clenching his fist in anticipation. “...Later.”
Ryusei cackles, acknowledging Sae’s words as he parrots: “Later!”
***
The first day of school goes as well as Rin thought it would,
Not at all.
In fact, Rin is sitting in the corner of the school’s courtyard, perched upon a bench and staring down at his phone intently. His fingers press against the keyboard quickly, currently engaging in fun conversation with discord user ‘yoyoyo.’
When Rin first walked into his classroom, he felt himself cringe when everyone loudly marvelled at his height. It’s the first time he actually felt himself become nervous about what other people may think about him. He tried to let his muscles loosen as he turned around to write his name on the board, his fingers stuttering as the kanji for Itoshi was illegible. He sucked in a sharp breath and muttered, resisting the urge to rub the back of his neck shyly.
“...Just call me Rin.”
And now, he had completely run off, escaping the girls and guys that wanted to strike up a conversation with him. It shouldn’t have been too hard to miss him, but he doesn't underestimate his own speed sometimes.
That’s why he’s spending his lunch alone, complaining about everything to Yo.
He was accepted into the advanced classes, but it’s topics he’s already learnt about(and aced) a semester ago. The people in said classes don't ever shut up and wherever he goes he can feel eyes on the mostly healed injuries of his neck. He hates it.
Yoyoyo: awhh Rin! If I knew that you were gonna move I would’ve pitched the idea to move to Kyoto!
Yoyoyo: Maybe I would’ve made some space for you in my room
Yoyoyo: lol.
Rin scoffs aloud, and he quickly types back:
Me: ‘In your situation? I should be glad that I could even steal time from your parents.’
Yoyoyo: ‘oh come on, imagine it’
Yoyoyo: ‘we could both stay up all night and play games and stuff’
Yoyoyo: ‘and I could actually beat your ass if you decide to cheat.’
Me: ‘We already do stay up all night, dumbass.’
Rin’s eyes crinkle when Yo continues to defend his decisions, becoming very adamant on this make believe plan that Rin stays with Yo and they live a happy life wasting the night away on gaming and gossiping and being teenagers.
And yeah, it sounds nice. It certainly feels in reach as well, when Rin used to sit at his desk in Kanagawa and call Yo, seeing each other in the dark of the rooms. He has blue hair, Rin remembers.
It doesn’t sound bad at all.
Me: ‘You just reminded me that I need to set up my pc again.’
Yoyoyo: ‘are you joking’
Yoyoyo: ‘you haven't done it yet????’
Yoyoyo: ‘are we ever going to play together again bro’
Yoyoyo: ‘have you ever been watching my streams :(‘
Me: ‘i’ve seen clips, don't pout.’
Me: ‘baby.’
Yoyoyo: ‘??? skipped taking me out on a date i see!’
Me: ‘what.’
Me: ‘No, I'm calling you a baby.’
Rin bites back a smile with all his might, and the conversation temporarily distracts him from the group of boys setting up on the field next to him. Until he hears a shout.
“Guys, hurry up! Before Coach Ego comes!”
It catches Rin’s attention for a few seconds, making him glance up from the screen to the group of boys that seem to be messing around on the field. Loudly pushing at each other and laughing.
Rin rolls his eyes at the sight, looking back down at his phone to check the time. He stands up and pockets his phone when he sees that lunch is about to end, turning around and walking off without so much as a second glance.
A few metres away on the field, someone keeps their eyes on Rin’s retreating figure.
“Isagi! What the hell’re you looking at?”
“Nothing, nothing! Let’s be quick!”
***
A few hours after Rin got home, he’s actually setting up his pc, plugging it into whatever and making sure it didn’t explode or something during the trip here.
It’s only when he hears a knock on the door does he realise it’s dinner time.
Rin gets up and wipes his hands on his pyjama pants, before opening the door a crack. With a quick peek he sees Sae standing there, looking up at Rin with a raised brow. Rin opens the door fully and looks away, not meeting Sae’s gaze.
“..hi.” Rin mutters weakly, sounding pathetic to his own ears.
Sae nods, and he puts his hands in his pockets. Acting completely apathetic to the situation as he says casually.
“Ryusei ordered dinner,” Sae searches for any red flags that might appear in Rin’s body language, and when he recognises none he asks “do you want to eat dinner outside tonight?” In his head Sae is screaming: ‘Please Rin, tell me about your day at school, tell me anything, just speak!’
Rin shakes his head, making Sae’s fingers dig into his skin through the material of his pockets, but he bluntly says, his voice slightly lower.
“Rin, I think you should sit with us, just for tonight.” Rin tenses a bit at Sae’s words, and this time he opens his mouth to disagree, but Sae cuts him off. “If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to anymore, I just want–” I want you to tell me if you made any friends, if you like your classes, if you’re angry or annoyed or lonely, I want you to tell me about what happened that night. “I want to make sure you like the food we ordered.”
Rin has this sort of irked look on his face, it scares Sae, makes him wonder if he shouldn't have pushed like that. He almost takes a step back, almost tells Rin to forget about it. Until Rin suddenly nods, and steps forward. Muttering begrudgingly,
“Yeah, okay.”
Sae lets himself breathe when Rin walks past him down the hall to the dining room, bringing up a hand to brush his bangs back restlessly, trying to hide the sudden excitement he feels.
One step in the right direction. One step.
When everyone sits down on the dining table, Sae and Ryusei on one side and Rin on the other; Sae doesn’t actually know what to do.
He looks down at his plate, mimicking what Rin is currently doing to ignore both of the adults in front of him. Sae could almost scoff at how childish it makes him look. Almost.
Ryusei suddenly speaks up, and he asks Rin with a giddy tone.
“So…! How was school lil’ lashes!” Rin looks up at Ryusei, and he grumbles, stabbing his chopsticks into the curry served on his plate. “It..” He looks away for a moment, as if rethinking over his words again. Sae can’t stop the deadpan look from showing on his face when he realises that overthinking is probably genetic.
“‘s what I expected.” Rin decides to answer with that. Sae hums– his only contribution to the conversation. He waits until Rin looks down at the food he puts in his mouth to send a discrete look over to Ryusei, silently pleading with him to keep the conversation going. Ryusei nods as if he understands–which he clearly doesn’t when he chirps happily.
“What you expected, huh? So you already got a boyfriend? Good for you!”
Sae glares at Ryusei for his stupid fucking comment, and Rin gags on his food, bringing up a hand to cover his mouth (and flushed cheeks.)
“What the hell?!” Rin hisses, and it’s the loudest he’s ever spoken here. “I’m not even– I don’t care about stuff like that!”
“Then why’re you all red, Rinnie?”
Rin sputters more, and he just snarls.
“Bastard, shut the hell up!”
Sae doesn’t mean to, but his glare quickly turns to focus on Rin, making Ryusei cackle.
“I told you, hun! Rin has a potty mouth!”
Rin rolls his eyes, and he grumbles.
“I could call you a lot worse you useless–”
“Okay, enough.” Sae huffs, bringing a hand to cover his own face, ashamed that he even bothered to let Ryusei speak.
“Yeah baby lashes, enough.” Ryusei taunts, parroting Sae’s words and tone as he pokes his tongue out at Rin, making him seethe.
Sae brings up a hand to push Ryusei weakly, scowling. “I’m talking to you, demon. Leave Rin alone.” Sae pointedly ignores the smug look in Rin’s eyes as he continues to glare at Ryusei.
“Anyway Rin,” Sae decides to take over the conversation, brushing his hair behind his ear.
“Are the people at school nice?”
Rin looks over to Sae, the look on Rin’s face disappearing as he thinks about it. Sae may be imagining it, but he looks almost skeptical. But he answers anyway.
“I don't know, ‘didn't talk to anyone today.” Sae ignores the squeeze in his chest, and he sucks in a breath as he acts casual.
“Anyone you want to be friends with?”
“No.”
“Looking forward to any classes?”
“Not really,”
“Do you know if you’re going to join a club?”
“I don’t know.”
Ryusei backs back a groan, just looking up at the ceiling with a sigh as he whines.
“So you’re just going to be a loser? Lame.”
“Ryusei.” Sae hisses under his breath, kicking his shin under the table.
Ryusei decisively ignores it, even though he may sleep on the couch tonight. He leans forward on the table, trying to catch Rin’s gaze.
“Hey, hey! You should join the soccer club if they have one!”
Rin raises a brow, and he huffs bluntly.
“I haven’t played soccer in years.”
Both Ryusei and Sae freeze, and they quickly side eye each other, having a telepathic conversation.
“What the hell, did you know that?”
“No, did you?”
“Well obviously not!”
Rin just puts more food in his mouth, before setting his chopsticks down on his half-empty plate, and he mutters.
“I’m not a fuckin’ idiot.” Sae has to literally bite back the harsh: ‘language.’ that threatens to blurt out.
“It was my decision, I don’t care about kicking balls into goals. I wasted too much time on it when I was younger.” Rin says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Ryusei scoffs, and he says, cautiously.
“What the– what are you talking about? You used to kick ass on the field!”
He looks over to Sae more obviously, as if asking for backup. But Sae doesn’t see his eyes, he tries to look at Rin’s. They’ve changed.
Rin has changed.
It’s more than when he saw Rin at the front door for the first time in years. It runs deep, like the scars on Rin’s arms, like the circles under his eyes. Sae doesn’t know what happened in the last few years– in fact, he doesn’t know what he expected of Rin. He misses Rin, he wants to slap him, to hug him, to get him to buy colour remover for that fuck ass black-green coloured hair. When did he allow himself to lose Rin, to find himself? It’s sick, he feels sick. Like he’s about to vomit.
Soccer was their thing, they were the Itoshi brothers. They were the duo that everyone hated playing against and Rin knew that, he should still know that. How could he throw such an integral part of his own identity–of their identity of brothers away so casually? How did their parents allow that to happen?
And then it flashes in Sae’s mind: something self-inflicted, something neglect.
Sae doesn’t even know that he’s covered his face fully with his hands until his fingernails dig into the skin on his eyebrows. He manages a few deep breaths and does not feel like a complete and utter failure (yet), which allows him to rest his hands on his lap instead. When he focuses on the scene in front of him, both Rin and Ryusei are looking at him, with looks of confusion and worry on their faces respectively.
Sae just sighs, and he stands up from the table, tilting his head down the hallway. Silently gesturing for Rin to get up and follow him.
Rin freezes, looking at Sae, then at Ryusei, and back to Sae again. Before he stands up, brushing his fingers through his long bang and following after Sae. They reach Rin’s room, and reluctantly Rin opens the door, letting himself and Sae inside.
The last sound they hear is of the door shutting. There’s silence then. Rin standing in the middle of the room while Sae leans against the closed door, arms crossed over his chest and watching Rin like a hawk.
It reminds Rin of dad.
Silence. He demanded.
After Sae up and left with the boy that their parents never approved of, Rin would never make enough noise, score enough goals or win enough games to fill up the silence that the lack of Sae’s presence left.
So why bother?
Silence.
As if the house was in constant mourning, lights always turned off. No one was ever home, and Rin would never spend enough time downstairs to justify turning the light on. Less he wanted the spotlight on him. Oh never.
When he left his team it was silent except for the constant ringing in his ears. The outside world was too loud suddenly, of people coming up and talking to him. Of friends and classmates and teachers.
And suddenly: he was rotting in his bed for a day. A week. A month.
And suddenly: he was drowning.
Because that night, he thrashed around– disturbed the peace. He moved around the shards of glass that their home had broken into, and they left cuts along his arms and they kept bleeding. Onto stained carpets and bedroom floors, the blood turning black against the light of the hallway when their mother stepped into the room.
And he was yelling,
And there was the sound of the desk flipping over,
And he couldn't breathe
And his–
“Dad–!”
Rin wheezed, the air leaving his lungs as he was pressed up against the bedroom wall. Large hands squeeze around his upper arms, making the blood spill more. A hiss, it made his bones shake as he deciphered the words in his head.
“After everything– that has happened– you want to act sick?”
“I am sick!”
And I’m sorry that I'm not sick enough for you to care.
“No you aren’t, no son of mine will be– whatever the hell you are! Sitting here and bleeding out like– like there’s something wrong with you– what’s wrong with you!”
“It’s You! What’s wrong with me is that you and Mum have been acting like your sons are dead and buried– what the fuck?! I’m still here– how much sicker do I need to get for you to try and keep me alive!”
Hands moved up, slowly, imperceptible.
“Keep you alive? So that’s what this is, you want to be a charity case! You want the attention!”
“Yes, fuck it, I do– I want to know that you want me alive–” Rin feels so stupid as he cries, he remembers the hot shame that flushes under his skin. I want the attention. I crave it.
His eyes close as they force out more tears, but they snap open when hands suddenly close around his throat.
“Bastard! I won’t let you manipulate me!”
Suddenly there’s yelling, and his world is turning–upside down and dark.
And it reminds Rin of playing underwater with Sae.
“Rin!” She suddenly screams, followed by a small hiss under her breath: “Oh god–What have you done?”
Rin just cries, even when it is harder and harder to breathe.
This time when his eyes shut, he can’t open them again.
He can’t– do anything.
Even when he whispers in his ear, “Do you know what will happen if you tell anyone else?”
The last thing he hears is: “Don't call them!”
The last thing Rin knows is that he hopes she doesn’t call them either.
“Why’d you quit soccer?”
Sae’s voice snaps Rin out of whatever spiral he was going down.
Rin just shrugs, digging his hands into the pockets of his pants as he mumbles.
“Is it really that important? I already told you both, it just didn’t have the same appeal after a while–”
“Bullshit.” Sae scoffs, feeling the muscles in his arms tighten.
Rin raises a brow, and he feels something bubble up in his throat that feels a lot like saying:
“How would you know?”
When Sae’s eyes widened, he realised that he said it out loud.
“...Because I’m your brother.” Sae says as a statement, as complete and utter fact. It makes Rin’s jaw tense.
“Really? It’s the first time I'm hearing about it.” He says through gritted teeth, making Sae’s eyes narrow.
“What do you mean by that?”
“What do you think I mean?”
Sae looks away for a second, a look of something flickering in his eyes, and he sucks in a deep breath, before saying slowly.
“Look, I didn’t mean to–”
“Didn’t mean for what?” Rin snaps, feeling his bones ache from holding onto so much anger. “Didn’t mean to leave me in the dust? Didn’t mean to forget to say goodbye– maybe send me your new number? Didn’t mean to make me deal with the consequences all by myself? If you didn’t mean any of that you should’ve thought harder about what you did.”
Sae brings up his hands to run through his hair almost timidly. Letting Rin say what he wanted to.
“What the hell did you want me to do, Sae? What did you genuinely expect to happen?” He asks, throwing his hands around as he vaguely gestures to himself and Sae. “ –With mum and dad, with us.”
“I did not know that our parents would turn out like that.” Sae eventually settles on saying.
“I don’t care! The fact is, no matter if my life turned out better or worse– you saved yourself, covered your own ass. Good for you! Good for you and that cockroach you’re dating.”
Sae just stares at Rin, and he lowers his voice when he says:
“Don’t call him that.”
Rin rolls his eyes and covers his face, as if trying to contain his anger.
“Jesus christ– he could literally tell you to jump off a cliff and you’d do it with no regrets! Why do you want me to play happy family with him when he told you to leave me!”
“He did not!”
“He did!”
“I was the one who decided to leave, don’t you dare bring Ryusei into this!”
Rin just scoffs, restlessly throwing his arms to stay by his sides again, before deciding to scratch at the scars that have started to scab.
It’s silent again, and Rin just whispers.
“..I don’t know why you brought me here.”
Sae’s eye twitches.
“I asked them to bring you here because you’re my brother! Rin, get that through your fucking head!”
“Oh get over yourself! You’re doing this out of some– guilt you’ve built up and now you’re using me as a charity case! You don’t care!”
“I do!” Sae doesn’t stop talking, finally blurting the words he wanted to say out (even when they make his voice crack and his eyes water.) “How do you think I felt when I got a call at 4am, telling me you’re in the hospital connected to a tube for oxygen and abused. When I realised–” Sae looks down at his hands, ignoring the way his vision blurs as his palms shake. “That– all these years past and you could’ve died any day in them–that one day you would’ve slipped through my fingers like water–and that I would’ve just let it happen.”
Sae hiccups, closing his fists and weakly hitting them against his forehead as he catches his breath. “I never forgot my role as your older brother. Not once– how dare you think that you weren’t on my mind these last few years. Every therapy session, every step in the right direction. The only thing I thought about is how it got me closer to seeing you again. And then I get emailed a police report–” Sae just starts to sob, dropping his hands and letting them hang by his sides.
“Rin I asked them if I could take care of you because I didn’t know how else to make it up to you. I left you in a bad environment, I admit that and I know how badly it fucked you up because it fucked me up so bad that I made the stupid decision in the first place! But– you just keep isolating yourself!” Sae sniffles, turning away to wipe at his cheeks, trying to keep some composure.
“I’m scared for you, Rin. I’m scared that any day now you’re going to keep letting everything build up inside of you– I need you to tell me what I can do, you need to tell me how I can help you!” ‘
When Sae looks back at Rin, he sees the silent tears that fall down his face. Sae shakes his head, taking a step forward and holding out his arms towards Rin. Rin jolts back, holding his hands up and he hisses, his body curled and tone defensive.
“Step back–”
“Rin just let me in!”
“You think those words would be enough to save me? I’m sick, Sae! I know I am! I see it every time I look in the mirror, when people stare at me.” Rin wipes at his face harshly with the back of his sleeve, snarling out.
“No matter what you do…I’ll just kill myself anyway!”
Sae freezes, and he says, yelling out.
“Do you think you’re in the position to make any of those claims?!”
“I do, Sae! Because I am– I’m going to fucking kill myself!”
Sae scoffs, and it turns into a hiccup, and immediately he’s covering his mouth with his palm and he’s turning around, running out of his room and sobbing.
Rin watches with blurred vision, bringing up his own hands to his mouth, trying to muffle his cries as he falls to the floor.
***
Sae doesn’t know how long he sobbed in his own bedroom, curled up on the floor, dry heaving from the lack of air he’s getting in between each tear that drops.
All he knows is at some point Ryusei enters the bedroom, dropping down by Sae and pulling him close.
”Breathe,” He said ”You need to breathe.”
Sae remembers shaking his head, trying to pull away from Ryusei, and slurring out.
“I need to go back to Rin– I need’a– He’s going to die–” His own words make him break down even more, pushing at Ryusei in an attempt to get away.
“You need to give him space.” Ryusei says, his tone firm as he brings up a hand to grab onto Sae’s chin, forcing him to make eye contact with Ryusei. “Get into the bad, Sae, I’m serious. You both need to cool off for the night.” Sae sniffles, shaking his head at Ryusei’s words, but the demon just sighs, getting up from the floor and hooking his arms under Sae’s armpits, pulling him up to stand up before pushing him onto the bed.
Sae just hiccups, moving to sit up again but Ryusei just gently coaxes Sae to lay back down.
It works.
Because Sae finds himself cuddled up against Ryusei, despite the fact he’s still hiccuping and sniffling.
Ryusei looks down at Sae’s trembling body, bringing up a hand to run through Sae’s hair in an attempt to comfort him.
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” Sae asks no one in particular.
There’s silence for a while, before Ryusei mutters.
“I don’t know.”
***
The next morning, Rin sneaks out before Sae even starts to get ready.
He had already dressed himself in his uniform, his school bag weighing heavy on his shoulder as he walked through the lobby of the apartment complex, pointedly ignoring the receptionist that smiled at him.
All Rin knows is that he needs to leave, get out of here.
Go back home, apologise to his mum and dad.
Beg for forgiveness.
Rin just sucks in the crisp morning air as he walks down the street. The light of the early morning sun barely peeking past the tall buildings that seem to look down on him in the shadow filled roads.
His hands stuffed in his pockets and his gaze permanently down. Rin doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know if he wants to do anything.
He could let a few hours pass him by, hanging out in a nearby convenience store or café– catching up on some homework that he hadn't done to the best of his ability. Rin’s mind splits off into many different strands of what to do:
Take the bus → run away to Kanagawa, → convince his parents to allow him to stay with them again.
Take the bus → run away to Kyoto → ask Yo for a place to crash for a few days before eventually killing himself.
Don’t take the bus at all → walk back to Sae’s apartment → open up about his feelings.
…It’s too difficult really.
So Rin finds himself sitting at a bus stop, looking up to the sky as it starts to brighten. As more cars start to fill up the roads and more people are opening up their stores around him.
It’s almost peaceful.
Because no one looks at the kid sitting by himself, at his hair, at his face and neck, at the way his hands start to shake. He’s just another guy waking up.
Rin audibly sighs, and he stands up from the bench at the bus stop, deciding to turn away and walk deeper into the city. He isn’t sure exactly where he’s going, making random lefts and rights for a while until he reaches a park– a field, more exactly.
He had a similar one next to his own home, just let him run forward for a while and he’d stand in the middle of it. Ball in his hand and his brother by his side.
But now it’s not him that stands in the middle of the field, but another boy. He’s wearing the same blouse as Rin, and if the blazer resting upon this kid’s bag is anything to go off of, he goes to the same school as Rin. Rin keeps walking, until he hears him call out.
“Hey, you!”
Rin freezes, reluctantly looking over his shoulder back at the guy who starts to run up to him. Rin decides to keep his mouth shut, looking down at this kid who couldn’t even reach his chin.
“I saw you around yesterday, you’re Itoshi, right?” Rin tenses up a bit, and he mutters, his eyes narrowing down at the boy.
“Rin.”
He freezes, and brings up a hand to rub the back of his neck sheepishly, laughing out casually. “Okay, okay, I see. You can just call me Isagi Yoichi, I’m a second year.” Rin bites back a scoff, because no way this stubby loser playing soccer by himself is one of his upperclassmen.
“Isagi,” Rin just says reluctantly, before turning his head away again and starting to walk off.
“You can just call me Yoichi if I'm calling you Rin, you know? We’re friends now!” Isagi says cheerfully, walking after Rin.
“Not interested.” Rin says with a little more bite than intended. It makes Isagi pause for a few moments, and he stuffs his hands in his pockets, asking slowly.
“Your older brother is Itoshi Sae, right?” Rin stops. He turns around fully to face Isagi, and he hisses.
“Does it matter?” Isagi shrugs, and he says casually, looking away from Rin to the field.
“It matters if you play too.” Is all he says, looking back towards Rin to meet his gaze head on.
Rin only scowls, and he doesn’t even know why he’s entertaining this guy, but he says:
“I don’t anymore.”
“So you used to?”
Rin hesitates for a moment, before nodding, and he repeats again. “I don’t anymore.”
Isagi has this sort of cocky smile on his face, and he takes a step forward, offering suddenly.
“Change that! Become a part of our team at school.”
Rin’s eye twitches, and his jaw clenches.
“How many times do I need to repeat it?”
“Look, Rin, just think about it!” Isagi huffs tiredly, as if he wasn’t the one who started this stupid conversation. It irritates Rin. “We have a practice today after school on the field, at least join for that!”
Rin’s immediate reaction is to say fuck no. So that’s what he opens his mouth to say, but the words don’t come out. This guy– Isagi, is so casually just asking him to pick up something he left in the past. It’s not like he could just drop on the poor guy: ‘No, what's funny is that I dropped soccer because my brother left without even saying goodbye and I had no reason to pursue it.’
Like fuck this kid for trying to get Rin to join this random club but Rin has decency.
Rin just turns around and doesn’t bother to dignify this kid’s offer with a response.
Isagi just chuckles, and he calls out after Rin.
“I’ll see you then!”
So when the school bell rings– signalling the end of the day: Rin starts to make his way to the school field. The entire time his brain rings with the thought that: ‘this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb.’
It bangs against his skull the entire time, even when the clack of wooden floors turns into the crunch of grass under his feet.
He sees a whole group of guys standing around, different heights, different ages.. different.. hairstyles? (One of them has a fucking mohawk??)
Rin almost turns back around– almost lets these weirdos go off and do whatever the hell that it is they’re doing. But they start their drills.
And they’re good, they’re really good.
Suddenly, Rin is rooted to his spot, and he remembers his own team when he was younger.
Rin was a prodigy. He was good, he was amazing– he was a bunch of other synonyms.
He could score the most goals, predict the outcome of the field, turn the tides to benefit him– and now, he’s on the edge of a different field miles away from home. Watching as others do the same thing he used to be perfect at. Something he used to love.
When Rin sees that Isagi Yoichi guy score a goal, his chest tightens with petty jealousy, when he was the one scoring those goals, when he was the one getting lifted up by his teammates.
Now, as he watches he wishes he never quitted.
***
“Isagi, where was that guy you said was going to come?”
Isagi pauses from where he was moving to pack the soccer balls away, he then sighs and looks off into the distance, as if expecting him to suddenly appear.
“I don’t know, he must’ve forgotten.”
Someone laughs and pats his shoulder, saying playfully.
“A shame, you were all bubbly and restless and everything to see him come ‘re.” In the background Isagi hears his team talking:
‘lay off him Chigiri,’
‘let’s go get ice cream!’
‘huh? I don’t feel like walking that far..’
And despite all the voices, Isagi still feels disappointed.
***
Sae has been worried sick for the better half of the day.
Rin left at god knows what time in the morning, and now it’s nearing 7pm and there’s not even a text from him. Sae knows that he said that he should be back at 8pm, but he still told him the importance of trying to be home by 7pm. 7pm!
Sae sighs under his breath as he shuts his phone off and lets it rest by his side on the sofa, crossing one leg over the other restlessly as he tries not to think too deeply about it.
Ryusei went out to get some food, so even if Rin were still outside Ryusei would most likely find him and pick him up and drive him back– it’s fine!
Even so, Sae still jumps up to stand when he hears someone unlocking the front door. And thank God, it’s Rin.
His hair is covering his face, as he looks down at his feet, leaning against the door as he takes his shoes off. When he keeps his head tilted down, Sae can see where Rin’s original hair colour starts to grow in again, an inch of pink brightly contrasting against the black-green.
Rin starts to move into the hallway when Sae suddenly calls out.
“Hey, Rin!” His tone is too worried, too scared, it makes himself flinch when Rin stops moving. Rin looks over his shoulder back at Sae, raising a brow as if silently asking: ‘what the hell do you want?’
Sae sighs in exasperation, and he closes his eyes for a few moments, patting the seat next to him on the sofa.
Rin looks at Sae, then where he patted the sofa, then to where his bedroom is down the hall. It takes a little while but Rin finally makes a decision to drop his bag onto the floor and walk to Sae. Keeping his head down even when sits down next to Sae.
It’s awkward, Sae knew it would be but it still makes it hard for him to open his mouth to speak.
Sae tries to breathe in, looking down at where Rin starts to nervously fidget with his fingers.
“How was school?” Sae starts with, resisting the urge to rest his hand over Rin’s.
Rin lets out a soft hum, shrugging his shoulders and tilting his head away from Sae.
Sae tries not to physically show his impatience, he just keeps quiet also. It stays silent for a while, before Rin whispers.
“..boring.”
Sae looks over to Rin, watching his face intently when he says properly.
“School was boring.”
Sae just nods along, trying not to scoff at Rin’s words. He just leans back onto the sofa, looking up at the ceiling.
“I get that. I hate highschool too.” Rin keeps his eyes on Sae, asking bluntly.
“Present-tense?”
“Yep, I still have a grudge against that place.”
Rin just rolls his eyes, eventually copying Sae’s movements and leaning back on the sofa as well, looking up at the ceiling tiredly.
No one speaks for a little while, until Sae suddenly blurts out a story.
“I used to always skip class,” He starts, looking over to Rin. “It’s stupid, because despite how desperate I was to leave class I kept getting caught. My attempts were tepid.”
Rin side eyes Sae, and he says under his breath.
“I hate people who skipped class.”
Sae scoffs, and he says, a bit huffy.
“Well I hate people who act like a goody-two shoes.”
“I do not!”
“I never said you did.”
Rin quietens down, a slightly frown on his face as he looks over to Sae. He seems like he’s about to say something else, but it doesn’t come out. Rin just stares at his older brother, before turning away.
“Rin, I,” Sae says, sitting up straight on the sofa again, trying to see Rin’s face fully. Rin meets Sae’s gaze, and he finishes his sentence. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
It’s so sudden, so soft, and so genuine it makes every part of Rin freeze. He sits up fully as well, eyes wide as he tries to see if Sae really apologised or if it was a part of his own imagination.
“I’m sorry.” Sae repeats, his eyes softening as he looks over Rin’s shocked face.
“It must have been tough right? I wanted you to know that whatever happened then, won’t ever happen again Rin. I’m sorry.”
Rin feels like that little boy back on that field again, watching as Sae gets into the perfect position to kick the ball to him. Feeling as his hair gets ruffled by Sae, looking up at him through his lashes just to see Sae grinning back.
And Rin feels ashamed that he forgot that the man sitting beside him, the star soccer player, is just his older brother.
Rin brings his hands up to his face, trying to physically hold back the tears that threaten to spill. That’s until he feels arms wrap around him– his first instinct is to jerk away, push Sae and run off, but for some reason he finds himself embracing the touch. Curling up so he can rest his head on Sae’s chest as he sobs.
“Y–yeah, it was tough.” Rin acknowledges, even when he wets the front of Sae’s shirt, Sae doesn’t pull away; in fact, he brings Rin closer, and he says gently.
“You didn’t deserve any of that– you said you were sick, right? I promise from now on I'll be your big brother, I’ll help you get all the treatments you need until you feel better. I’ll stay after that.” Sae starts to hiccup, bringing one of his hands up to cup Rin’s cheek, and he whispers.
“I never got the chance to tell you how big you’ve grown.”
Rin hiccups between each tear, and he tries his damn best to scowl, but it sounds wet and pathetic and whiny.
“Shut up..”
“I’m serious,” Sae huffs out, taking the chance to look over Rin’s face.
“But you’re still my baby brother okay? You’re still just my baby.”
Rin shakes his head, shutting his eyes tightly as he tries to bite back the words that threaten to leave his throat– holding it back makes his stomach ache and his head light but he just can’t.
But then he feels Sae’s head resting against Rin’s, and suddenly his mouth opens and everything pours out.
How silent his house was, the cuts along his arms, their fathers hands wrapped around his throat, waking up in the hospital–even to the stupid Isagi Yoichi that he met today.
It’s nice.
It’s nice being able to talk so freely, if Rin thinks any more deeply about it he realises that it feels natural, as if he’s been waiting to make noise his entire life. (he has.)
(Later, Ryusei comes back with bags of food and immediately whines that they’re having a snuggle pile without him. Before forcing himself next to Rin and hugging him tightly. With Sae on one side and Ryusei on the other, Rin doesn’t think he minds becoming a part of this dynamic. Begrudgingly.)
***
Isagi sucks in a shuddered breath as he looks down at the ball between Bachira’s feet. Yes, he could be amazed about the dribbling pattern that his friend has made later, right now he’s focused on winning.
(he is well aware this is just practice.)
It still doesn’t stop him from trying his damn best, manipulating the plays around him little by little, trying out different pieces until it fits the bigger picture–
The ball at his feet, just as he’s in the position to score a goal.
And he scores.
Every time it feels like the earth has aligned for him, every time it feels like the first time he scored a goal.
He looks towards his teammates, rolling his eyes when Barou rolls his eyes after meeting Isagi’s gaze, storming off far away from Isagi.
But then in the space that he left behind, Isagi sees someone standing on the edge of the field.
Rin.
He doesn’t even realise he muttered the name aloud until Chigiri walks past him, purring slyly.
“... that’s the guy you were so worked up over? Didn’t think you were into taller people.”
Isagi scowls and weakly pushes Chigiri to keep walking, calling out after him.
“Oh shut up, I don’t care about stuff like that!”
Isagi then turns to Rin again, casually walking down the pitch towards him. Even as Isagi stands directly in front of him, he still has that bored, displeased look on his face.
“How long were you standing there?” Isagi asks casually, moving to stand beside Rin.
“The entire time.” Rin mutters, putting his hands on his hips.
“You want me to join this team?” He then asks, raising a brow as he looks down at Isagi.
Isagi nods, and he asks in a clear provocation.
“What? Don’t think this team is good enough?” Rin pretends to think about it, looking away from Isagi back to the field where the team is helping to pack up, before scowling.
“It could use a little work–nevermind, a lot of it.” Rin says, turning away as he moves to walk off.
Isagi sighs, bringing up a hand to wipe at the sweat on the back of his neck, realising that maybe he should give up on Itoshi Rin– Until Rin says, slightly more quietly.
“Where do I sign up for clubs?”
Isagi pauses, and he laughs out loud, moving to step next to Rin.
“Let your upperclassman help you out!”
“..shut up.”