Chapter Text
Pain. Unimaginable pain. That was everything Est could feel. It coursed through every single cell of his body, trying to drown him and bring him to his knees. He took a shaky breath in, but there was no relieve to be felt. It felt like his lungs had disappeared, condemning him to a life of breathing into an empty hole that could never be filled. Tears welled in his eyes. He didn’t even notice when they started to fall down his cheek. Even if he had, he wouldn’t care.
One sentence. Three words. How could three words destroy everything?
When Est woke up this morning, he couldn’t wait to get to work. Not because he loved his work so much – which, he did love it – but because of who would be waiting there for him. William. His absolutely amazing boyfriend of almost a year. He had planned on visiting him during his rehearsal with LYKN. The band was preparing for their album release soon, so their partner schedules were rare and few in between at the moment. Est wasn’t mad about that though, he knew it was more important for William to concentrate on the band right now. They had always known that this was how their working relationship was going to go. That didn’t mean though, that they didn’t see each other in private. A quick lunch together here, a visit in the recording studio there – they always made sure to find small little moments for each other during their busy days.
LYKN practice was already in full swing when Est entered the practice room. The members didn’t immediately notice him, so Est took the opportunity to just watch them run through their newest dance routine. Okay, he was mainly watching William. A small smile stole itself onto his lips, watching his boyfriend in his element. Even though William was still only a few years into dancing, you could always see the joy and effort he put into it. Est was drawn to the way he moved his body, the fluidity and the power behind every move. His eyes were stuck to him. And then, their eyes met. Est’s smile grew even wider, sending him a little wave, but instead of the usual smile back or flying kiss sent, a confused look settled on William’s face. Est was stumped. Had he done something. William turned around, in the middle of dancing, now facing Est.
“Who are you?”, he asked, voice clearly tense. Est felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Their manager cut the music. Silence filled the room.
“Haha, good joke”, Nut retorted smiling, walking over to Est, to give him a quick little hug.
“Is he a friend of yours?”, William asked, voice full of confusion. Nut just rolled his eyes, the other members letting out amused chuckles while grabbing their drinks. They’d been dancing for two hours already, so a little break was very welcomed, even if that meant watching the two lovebirds make googly eyes at each other.
“Come on, man. Drop it already and go say hi to your man. Just because we tease you about him, doesn’t mean you have to pretend not to know him” This time it was Tui who spoke. Est was still frozen, trying to process what was happening. Something in him knew, this was not just a joke - as much as he wished it was.
William was an amazing actor, but even with how amazing he was, there was one thing he could never fully hide – the love he had for Est reflected in his eyes. You could see it every day, during every scene, no matter how mad or angry he was, it was always there. But looking into his eyes now, he could see nothing but confusion and wariness. No love.
“What are you talking about? ‘My man’, my ass. I’ve never seen him before in my life”, William threw back at them. The whole room fell silent. Even the last few conversations, that were going on around them, stilled. “Why are you all looking at me like this?”
“William, please, stop joking now. It’s not funny anymore”, Lego mumbled quietly, holding Hong’s arm for support, freaked out like the rest of them.
“I’m not joking here, okay?! I have no clue who this is! Are you guys fucking with me?” William threw his arms up exasperated and let out a huff of air.
And that is when Est ran.
Est didn’t go far. He only managed to get away a few steps from the practice room door before his body stopped listening to any command. So now he was stood there, frozen in place, tears streaming down his face. On the inside, he was screaming. Huddled up on the floor, screeching in pain, holding himself in a pathetic attempt to not fall into a million little pieces, as if that was even possible. On the outside, he might have looked even worse. His face was slack, not a single muscle in use, which gave his face a sunken in look. He stood upright, his arms hanging down his sides, feet parallel to each other, standing absolutely still.
The door to the training room opened and Tui slipped out, planning on looking for Est. He hadn’t expected to find him right outside the door. Relief washed over Tui, but it vanished again as soon as it came, when he took in the state that Est was in. With careful steps, he approached him, worried he’d scare him. But Est didn’t take in anything that was happening around him. Even when Tui put a hand on his shoulder, he couldn’t feel it.
“P’Est? Are you okay?” Est wouldn’t answer. He couldn’t. Even if his brain was present enough to process the words Tui had said to him, his body had lost all function. “P’Est? Please say something” He shook his shoulder again, trying to wake Est out of his dissociation, to no success. So Tui did the only thing he could think of – he called an ambulance.
When Est finally broke out of his dissociation, he was in the hospital. An IV-needle in his arm, hooked up to a clear bag hanging over him. He looked around the room until his eyes fell on a person sitting in a chair next to him. For a split second his brain fooled him into thinking William had come to see him. That everything had just been a bad dream. But alas, reality came crashing down when he realized it was Tui sitting next to him. Tears started to pool in the corners of his eyes and his brain went fuzzy again, but he did his best to hold onto reality. Tui, who had had his head down looking on his phone, noticed the movements on the bed and jumped up to check on Est.
“Hey, you’re up”, Tui whispered carefully, his hand gingerly stroking Est’s arm.
“William?” That was all Est managed to get out. His brain was still fuzzy around the edges, always looming to pull him under again, and it took him ten times the effort to make his body react to his commands. Tui’s face fell. Est regretted having asked about it – he should have just let himself live in fantasy for even just a few more minutes. Fantasies in which William was alright and remembered him and was just out getting something to eat. But he also needed to know the truth.
“P’Nut just texted me. It’s been a few hours already since the ambulance brought you here. He stayed to talk to William. We still thought he was just pulling a very bad prank or something. I think we only realized that something was actually wrong after we told him that you were out of it and were going to be picked up by an ambulance and he just asked ‘What’s that got to do with me?’. A prank like this would already be very out of character of him, but there is no way he would keep going with it if he heard that you were hurt. He loves you so much, he would do anything to keep you happy.” A single tear rolled down Est’s face. Because it was true, William had always been his biggest protector, but judging from what he had seen earlier, that was now all over. “After we had finally realized that something was seriously wrong, P’Nut brought William to the hospital to get checked out immediately. Phi kept telling him stories about the two of you, but he couldn’t remember any of it. He remembers everything except you. We were waiting for the results from the neurologist, but they said that they couldn’t find anything wrong. Theres nothing that would explain this memory loss. They’ll keep looking for possible causes, but they said that they have never seen something like this before. So they don’t even know where to start”
Est held his hand up to stop Tui from talking. It was too much. This couldn’t be happening. How does a person just forget one particular person from their life and nothing else – especially their favorite person in the world? Reality had become a nightmare.
“Alone, please” Est pressed the words out of his mouth with all his might. He didn’t want anyone around right now. He just wanted to cry in peace and mourn. He had no hopes of ever getting his William back – he couldn’t let himself hope, because he was certain that that hope would destroy him. Slowly, torturously, deadly. Tui let out a big sigh. As much as he didn’t want to leave Est in this state, he also understood that he needed some time to himself right now. So, with a last pat on the shoulder, Tui got up and turned to the door.
“I’ll be right outside, if you need me. Just shout for me or text me. Your phone is on the nightstand next to you” And with that, he exited the door, leaving Est to his thoughts and feelings.
Est was released from the hospital later that same day, after a psychologist verified he wasn’t a danger to himself or others. They still gave him the recommendation to visit a therapist in his own time. Physically there was nothing wrong with him and still, his body felt ten kilos heavier and every little movement felt like he was moving through honey.
That night, Est lay awake at night, the events of the day replaying in his head. William’s face burnt into his memory.
Who are you? He had known instantly that something was not right. His William would never play such a cruel joke on him. He rubbed his hand all over his face. He’d have to see him tomorrow at work. Their manager had texted him earlier that they’ll have an emergency meeting tomorrow to talk about how to go about this whole situation going forward.
‘Loosing no time’, Est thought, rolling his eyes. They couldn’t have given them a few days to adjust to their new situation. ‘I just lost my boyfriend, for crying out loud!’ Frustration coursed through his body, his emotions channeling in anger to mask the pain that was still omnipresent.
With a big huff, Est closed his eyes, trying his best to fall asleep.