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There is no one in the world Jihoon is more fond of than Kwon Soonyoung. Perhaps it is their fifteen year bond, or the time they see each other every day, or the way Soonyoung never gives up his endless attempts to be with Jihoon. He admires him a lot, really, for everything he’s done. For everything they’ve done.
He watches Soonyoung yawn and stretch from his nap in their hotel room, the day before their concert stop. Jihoon has a fond smile on his face, one Soonyoung can recognise even through bleary, dream-laced eyes. And he smiles back, in a dopey, goofy little way that’s just so Soonyoung it hurts Jihoon a little. He’s still the same as he always was.
Jihoon remembers a time a long while ago, when their future was still not yet as bright and clear as it is now, where the looming sea of fortune or fame was still cloudy, murky and dark. Soonyoung sought out Jihoon a little after dinner, wandering the halls to find him in a spare studio with Wonwoo’s Macbook and a flimsy set of headphones. “Can I be honest?” He started, to Jihoon’s listening ear. And Soonyoung has never stopped being honest. Through eventual tears and one big breakdown, Jihoon learned of Soonyoung’s true feelings about their training team, and how the whole world felt like it was on his shoulders. Jihoon understood. Naturally. Soonyoung wasn’t alone, and he never was in those four green walls. Ever since they found each other in this dingy building, having to fight every day like it was a war between themselves, each other, and the company itself, Jihoon and Soonyoung found themselves inseparable; neither really even thought to consider a future without each other.
Jihoon remembers being there when Soonyoung’s patience ran out with the team during dance practice. He was there when they were all scolded for not being able to maintain unity, when they targetted Soonyoung and Soonyoung alone at the precious age of sixteen. Jihoon saw his friend’s exterior harden, then, becoming more ruthless in practice with himself and with the others. He wasn’t blind. He saw the looks some of the other boys threw Soonyoung’s way, some even at himself as the seeming second-in-command.
He also tried to be nice once, Jihoon did. He tried giving plenty of encouragement without being too harsh at the beginning. But once his own patience wore thin, he snapped just like Soonyoung. And it hurt him. After his frustrations were bitterly drained out of him to the others, he stomped off to an adjacent studio to weep in the comfort of a soundproof room. Soonyoung found him in the dark, eyes dried of tears and a pile of tissues scattered on the desk. “They called off practice for today but we need to do double hours tomorrow,” was all Soonyoung said as a greeting when he entered, passing him a water bottle with his name written on masking tape. Jihoon cleared his throat to speak clearly, “I can do that.”
It’s always silence for a moment when it came to sensitive topics like vulnerability. They were both similar, in that regard; it’s hard to recover the pride of having being composed in a leader-like position once it cracked. Soonyoung had it happen once, and now it was Jihoon’s turn. “It’s not your fault,” Soonyoung said. Jihoon scoffed half-heartedly, “Feels like it… This is so tough,” He took a swig of water. “Every day I contemplate what’s the use of this? Why should I continue this and be around a group of incompetent people?” He shook his head, the rest of his thoughts falling off before they reached his mouth. Soonyoung exhaled sharply, “They won’t continue,” They met eyes, sharp and full of determination.
“But you will.”
It gave some hope to Jihoon, which he rode for at least a week. Maybe this was when it all started- this… fondness for Kwon Soonyoung. How much he believed in Jihoon- believed in himself and his principles, and stood by them when it came to the group as a whole for all these years. Soonyoung had a vision and stuck to it. And it was more than luck that made the thirteen of them survive. It was willpower. Sheer, utter willpower to see all this work to the end.
Sometimes Jihoon gets reminded of those past times, when the days get longer and less packed with events, and he has more time to hear his thoughts.
“I don’t want to be in a group with you.”
Jihoon’s head snapped to the sound, only barely hidden above the noise of the others playing games for that stupid live stream thing for their debut project. It was just out of reach. His breath caught, realising Soonyoung was about to lose his temper. Again. He could read him so easily, by now. So he got up and walked over carefully. “I refuse to be in a group and debut with people as untalented as you. You don’t have what it takes. You should just l-“
“Hey,” Soonyoung’s anger fizzled slowly when he met Jihoon’s gaze. The unspoken words crumbled under the weight of his presence. “Just go.” And the few other trainees left them in the corner of the practice room, only barely hidden by camera blind spots. Jihoon fought to ignore brash comments whispered under breaths as they left the two alone. “Soonyoung-“ He tried to reach out a hand of comfort.
“ Don’t- Don’t try to console me. I’ve had it up to fucking here with those idiots.” He groaned, irritated and annoyed. “It’s their loss if they don’t make it. Don’t take this on yourself.” Soonyoung slid down the wall in defeat, eyes rimmed red as he looked up at Jihoon, now taller than him and haloed by the lights beautifully. Perhaps this started his fondness for him. Jihoon never cared to stay if you said to go. But for Soonyoung, it was different. Jihoon always stayed. Good or bad.
“I can’t help it.” Jihoon sat with him, both talking low and quiet. “I feel responsible if we don’t make it. No matter who gets in. Just- the whole group. If it fails I- I don’t know what I’ll do.” Jihoon reaches out to hug him without anymore words.
It’s the one rare time he does it on his own accord. Normally Soonyoung has to ask, but neither of them know that yet.
“We’ll do it, Jihoon,” Soonyoung started with much determination in his voice, gathering his tears and putting on that tough front again. “You and I, we’ll make it. I’ll make sure of it, and I’ll never let you go. ”
Soonyoung stays true to his word pretty well, Jihoon finds out. Because ever since they finally debuted, Soonyoung really hasn’t tried to let Jihoon ever get out of his sight. He loves to be around him like he’s orbiting him, maybe even loves him, period. In a friendly way , Jihoon remembers to think, as he shoves down those emotions he feels embarrassed to have had years ago. It’s only in his head again when one of the members offhandedly asks, “Why is Hoshi-hyung so possessive of you? Damn!” It’s during a filming of Going Seventeen when Jihoon hears it as they pick teams, and Soonyoung refuses every outcome that puts them at odds in the game. “I just wanna be with Jihoonie , it’s not that hard,” Soonyoung feigns a complaint, throwing his hands in the air in lighthearted defeat. It’s nice to feel wanted, and the red on Jihoon’s cheeks is only from standing in the sun, and nothing else.
They’re now everything they’ve dreamed of and more. And Soonyoung has been with him the whole way around. Looking into his bright eyes— sparkling with glittery make-up, reflecting the stage lights and colourful LED graphics from behind them as they close out their concert— Jihoon feels his heart clench at Soonyoung’s awestruck smile just as he feels Seungkwan tug his other hand for them to bow to the sound of cheers, their (his) music, and his members thanking everyone in the crowd. His mind reels for a little thinking about all of that as he waves and smiles, and disappears behind the big LED screens. How they’ve come so far. Him, and Soonyoung too. Equally as responsible then, and now. Except with more official labels, perhaps.
“Woozi-ssi, is everything okay? You’re so still,” His make-up assistant remarks lightly. He gives a small smile, “Just tired. Thanks, noona.” She asks no more. When he’s ready, he goes to find Soonyoung in the next room over, and it’s loud in here as Seokmin still has the same amount of energy as he did three hours ago. Naturally, Seungkwan eggs him on, and their oldest members have fond looks in their eyes as they watch from the sidelines. Jihoon can’t help but smile too. “Hey,” he says softly, the moment Soonyoung’s done at the chair. His make-up assistant leaves, and Jihoon replaces her. A hand softly pats the other’s shoulder. “Hi,” Soonyoung responds, looking at him through the mirror. “I’m beat.” Jihoon chuckles, “Me too. But I wasn’t the one running back and forth between front stage and main stage for two hours.” Soonyoung snorts, slapping him lightly, “You know how I get on stage, jagiya… I can’t help it.” He grins boyishly, and Jihoon physically stumbles from the memory that hits him like a punch.
Soonyoung has always been handsome, retaining that silliness he’s had since Jihoon laid eyes on him on day one. Fifteen whole years later and Soonyoung is ever the same, in work and in play. He’s always been hardworking, slightly a perfectionist (only a little less than Jihoon himself), and meticulous. But he’s just as comedic, witty, and boisterous in his sense of humour. Jihoon loves that about him; in every way of the word.
“Whatcha thinking so hard about? You’re gonna burn a hole in the TV.”
Soonyoung’s voice is in his left ear, so he turns to look at him. He remembers their tour is over and they’re on mandatory break from idol schedules for about two weeks. It’s never enough time and Jihoon’s never really on break anyway, but he digresses.
“Earth to Jihoonie?”
“Oh, sorry-“ He snaps out of it. His mind feels bogged down and slow. Maybe he’s learning too much sentimentality because of the man to his left. Lovingly irritating, even as Jihoon’s memory. “I was just… reflecting.”
“Oh, yeah?” Soonyoung asks, midway through stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth. “About?” Jihoon watches with mild, playful disgust before answering, “Just us. Our… history,” He draws his gaze away, focusing on his fingers that were idly fidgeting with each other for a moment at the weight of the word. “We’ve been through a lot.”
Soonyoung agrees, and swallows. “Couldn’t have made it this far without you, jagi .” And when Jihoon meets his best friend’s eyes, they’re scrunched up like his lips, mouth now full with another round of popcorn. He always smiles at Jihoon with his whole being, even now his body is similarly squeezed up and sidled into Jihoon’s side. “I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you enough, Soonie,” The other gave a curious sound. “‘Course you have! With all these great songs living in your head that end up coming out, I’m just grateful you’re still alive.”
Jihoon rolls his eyes, “Oh, come on. You know what I mean. I don’t think I’ve ever said a proper ‘thank you’. I want to, though.” Soonyoung wipes his hand and places the half empty bowl of the snack onto the table, TV-series abandoned in favour of each other. “Okay! You can thank me with a kiss-“ Then he turns his face to present his cheek with taps asking for Jihoon to do something about it. “You shut your damn mouth-“ He pushes Soonyoung, playfully roughhousing a little as if they weren’t almost thirty years old.
“But seriously. You do so much for us- for me. You don’t need to say anything anymore. Our success is thanks to you. So I should be thanking you instead.” As their comedic harmony tends to go, Jihoon’s habit rehashes Soonyoung’s joke by presenting his own cheek to him. Which turns out to be a mistake, because Soonyoung actually takes the offer, making the younger yell loudly in surprise while Soonyoung nearly rolls off the couch in laughter.
While it all settles, Jihoon absorbs it slowly. It’s always hard to take compliments, especially with the honey that Soonyoung adds with his tongue. “I…” He starts, unsure where the sentence will run him. Soonyoung looks at him with all the keenness to listen in the world. Jihoon really should do something about all this affection he gets from the man. It’s starting to get unfair because Soonyoung loves so much, and so hard, yet Jihoon feels like he isn’t giving back enough. Brushing the stray thoughts away, Jihoon pressed forward. “I’m gonna thank you anyway… for sticking with me, for being with me, for talking, comforting, helping, and for-“
The word on his tongue shouldn’t be that hard to say. But it holds too much meaning for Jihoon to let it slip easy. He realises a lot of words do that to him. “For loving you?” He nods. Soonyoung always knows.
“I don’t need thanks, jagiya . You letting me love you is enough for me. And! I’m never leaving you alone, whether that’s a good or bad thing,” He grins wide, capturing Jihoon in a side hug around his shoulders, squeezing him a little uncomfortably. He doesn’t voice it because Soonyoung seems so happy. He’d take a million uncomfortable side hugs if it meant Kwon Soonyoung would smile at him like this forever.
“I’m gonna be here forever with you. Like I always have-“
“Like you always will be.”